Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 360. Healing from anxious attachment and navigating a relationship with someone who has anxious attachment

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360. Healing from anxious attachment and navigating a relationship with someone who has anxious attachment · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today
0:17
Speaker 1: or do you Fucking Mind? Episode of the Day of
0:20
Speaker 1: the Thursday I should saved. Okay, So this episode, I'm
0:25
Speaker 1: very very excited. I say this about every episode, but
0:28
Speaker 1: I'm really happy to be talking about this topic again.
0:32
Speaker 1: It's something that I get asked about a lot. A
0:34
Speaker 1: lot of stories that I get sent through to me
0:37
Speaker 1: involve this in it. So it's something that so many
0:40
Speaker 1: people can relate to, and if you don't personally have it,
0:43
Speaker 1: you probably know someone who does, okay, or you're probably
0:46
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone who does, or one of
0:49
Speaker 1: the many other options. So we're talking about healing from
0:51
Speaker 1: anxious attachment and also how to navigate a relationship with
0:55
Speaker 1: somebody who is anxiously attached. This episode is also going
0:59
Speaker 1: to be extremely helpful if you have anxious attachment, you
1:02
Speaker 1: are in a relationship with someone who's secure attached, and
1:06
Speaker 1: you would like them to understand you better than what
1:09
Speaker 1: you could do is say, hey, I would love for
1:11
Speaker 1: you to listen to this episode. It's going to give
1:13
Speaker 1: you a much deeper understanding into how we can work
1:17
Speaker 1: together to work on this as a team, because you're
1:20
Speaker 1: going to understand me a whole lot better. So I
1:22
Speaker 1: think it's just going to be helpful for absolutely everyone involved.
1:25
Speaker 1: And if you don't have anxious attachment, I still think
1:28
Speaker 1: you're going to get a lot out of this episode because,
1:30
Speaker 1: like I said earlier, the chances that you know someone
1:33
Speaker 1: who does have anxious attachment is really really high. This
1:35
Speaker 1: can be really helpful to also navigate relationships with friends.
1:39
Speaker 1: But for the most part, when we talk about attachment
1:42
Speaker 1: styles or attachment theory, which I'll get into in a second,
1:46
Speaker 1: it mainly is impacting your romantic relationships just due to
1:50
Speaker 1: the level of intimacy that exists there, due to the
1:53
Speaker 1: level of in most cases you know, you of like
1:57
Speaker 1: trust and monogamy, and it's just there's just like that
2:00
Speaker 1: extra layer that will be much more where there's a
2:03
Speaker 1: lot more vulnerability in a romantic relationship versus other kinds
2:08
Speaker 1: of relationships. But having said that, it is still you know,
2:12
Speaker 1: it does still bleed across all kinds of relationships. Now
2:15
Speaker 1: I thought I'm not doing a brain fact. By the way,
2:18
Speaker 1: and quick life update, this is my first podcast recording
2:21
Speaker 1: back from Europe, and I had the best the best
2:26
Speaker 1: time in Europe. I had Nicki's hens in Michinos. That
2:30
Speaker 1: was so great. We had such a good time. Then
2:33
Speaker 1: I met up with Tyrone and Tyrone Lucy and I
2:35
Speaker 1: we went to Madrid. The food in Madrid, I mean,
2:39
Speaker 1: everyone's got their own preference, so this is my personal
2:42
Speaker 1: preference is unmatched. We had such good fucking food in Madrid.
2:47
Speaker 1: And then from Madrid we did Ibetha. We went and
2:49
Speaker 1: saw Fisher at High Ibitha. It was insane, and then
2:56
Speaker 1: after that we went to Forman Terror and then Majorca Tarna.
2:59
Speaker 1: I even looked at wedding venues like hello on the
3:03
Speaker 1: coin of disorganized unorganized coin right here. It's so funny
3:08
Speaker 1: because I was talking to Live my best friend here,
3:10
Speaker 1: I am going on a tangent. I was talking to
3:12
Speaker 1: Live my best friend this morning, and I was like,
3:13
Speaker 1: I'm really trying to listen to podcasts on how to
3:15
Speaker 1: get more organized. It's like a huge thing that I've
3:18
Speaker 1: been trying to improve in myself for the last two
3:21
Speaker 1: years and I'm not consistent with it, and I really
3:23
Speaker 1: want to be. She was like, what are you talking about?
3:24
Speaker 1: You're so organized, and I'm like, I don't know what
3:27
Speaker 1: I've done to fool the world or the people that
3:31
Speaker 1: know me into thinking that I'm organized, and I'm actually
3:33
Speaker 1: quite impressed. I've managed to pull that that what do
3:37
Speaker 1: you call it a slide of hand or whatever I've
3:40
Speaker 1: I've managed to pull that off. But I am not organized.
3:43
Speaker 1: I think it's just very deceiving because I managed to
3:46
Speaker 1: get shit done and I put it out there in
3:48
Speaker 1: the world, and I do it in a way that's
3:50
Speaker 1: quite orderly. But really I'm not that organized, and I
3:54
Speaker 1: think if I was organized, it would be world domination
3:57
Speaker 1: for sure. But anyway, so I'm very unorganized, and we've
4:01
Speaker 1: been engaged for two and a half years and I
4:02
Speaker 1: have done fuck all around organizing a wedding, other than
4:06
Speaker 1: spending hours and hours and hours googling one option, then
4:10
Speaker 1: changing my mind googling another option, than back to the
4:13
Speaker 1: option A. But anyway, so we love the idea of
4:15
Speaker 1: potentially getting married in Europe, and we looked at some
4:18
Speaker 1: options in Majorca and both Tyrone and I absolutely loved it.
4:22
Speaker 1: But from that to actually following through with organizing a wedding,
4:26
Speaker 1: I'd say stay tuned, but probably don't stay tuned because
4:30
Speaker 1: it's a fucking process and a half. Anyway, Luckily, we're
4:35
Speaker 1: both very blase about the whole thing. I don't know,
4:38
Speaker 1: like the way I look at marriage. Don't get me wrong,
4:39
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to marry Tyrone, so excited, But at
4:43
Speaker 1: the same time, the way our life is set up
4:45
Speaker 1: right now, we are like a married couple. We are
4:47
Speaker 1: de facto we live together. Even when we get married,
4:49
Speaker 1: I've already we've already spoken about it. I'm not taking
4:51
Speaker 1: his name, I'm keeping my name. So literally nothing changes.
4:55
Speaker 1: So I guess the only reason we would be having
4:59
Speaker 1: a marriage and a is because we want to celebrate
5:02
Speaker 1: it with the people around us, the people that we love.
5:03
Speaker 1: But like the actual marriage itself is not going to
5:06
Speaker 1: change anything in our dynamic at all. So I think
5:09
Speaker 1: that's another reason why we're not like, oh my god,
5:11
Speaker 1: we've got to hurry up and get married. That's probably
5:14
Speaker 1: and we're both very chilled people in general. So that's
5:16
Speaker 1: my life update. And then after that we did Cahn't
5:19
Speaker 1: and Paris, Paris. I took Tyrone, guys. It was such
5:22
Speaker 1: a full circle moment. I took Tyrone to Paris and
5:26
Speaker 1: he had never He's been to Europe many times, this man,
5:28
Speaker 1: and he has never been to Paris, and the whole
5:30
Speaker 1: time I was like, I really hope he sees this
5:33
Speaker 1: love that I have for this city and hopefully he
5:35
Speaker 1: shares it, because that way we can fucking go every
5:38
Speaker 1: single year for the rest of our lives. And he
5:40
Speaker 1: gets there and he was like, this place is incredible.
5:43
Speaker 1: He finally met my French bestie Shay. We went out
5:47
Speaker 1: with her two nights in a row. We just had
5:49
Speaker 1: the best time. It was so incredible, and it was
5:51
Speaker 1: really it was just a really special full circle moment
5:55
Speaker 1: for me because so much of my healing, so much
5:58
Speaker 1: of my growth, has happened in that city. I've got
6:00
Speaker 1: these really strong ties to Paris. If you're a new listener,
6:04
Speaker 1: you'll learn soon enough about my whole life journey and
6:07
Speaker 1: my deep attachment to Paris. But anyway, we Yeah, I
6:11
Speaker 1: think it was really cool to then take you know,
6:14
Speaker 1: the person I adore, the healthiest relationship I've ever had
6:17
Speaker 1: to Paris after everything I had, kind of all the
6:20
Speaker 1: journey that I had gone through in the last like
6:21
Speaker 1: eight to ten years. Anyway, so that's my laugh. Update
6:25
Speaker 1: had a great fucking time and now I'm back, I'm
6:27
Speaker 1: feeling refreshed. I'm just ready to hit the ground running.
6:29
Speaker 1: My jet lag is on another level. I am forcing
6:32
Speaker 1: myself to wake up at five o'clock every morning, but
6:34
Speaker 1: still not going to bed until midnight. So something's gonna happen.
6:38
Speaker 1: Something's gonna give because I don't like being sleep deprived,
6:40
Speaker 1: so hopefully I start getting tired earlier. Anyway, let's get
6:43
Speaker 1: straight into today's episode because there's a lot to talk
6:47
Speaker 1: about the first thing that I wanted to go through. Okay,
6:50
Speaker 1: I'll also give you an overview of what we're going
6:52
Speaker 1: to be talking about. So we're first talking about what
6:54
Speaker 1: is attachment style, and I'll quickly given overview over the
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Speaker 1: four different attachment styles. Then I'm going to be talking
7:00
Speaker 1: about what are the hallmark signs if you are anxiously attached,
7:03
Speaker 1: what does that look like? And then I'm going to
7:06
Speaker 1: give you examples of the behavior how it impacts your
7:09
Speaker 1: relationship when you are in a relationship with someone who
7:13
Speaker 1: has it, or if you are this way, then we're
7:15
Speaker 1: going to talk about how you can actually change it
7:18
Speaker 1: and things that you can implement into your life to
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Speaker 1: really turn it around, because it can be changed. That
7:25
Speaker 1: is the beauty of it. No matter how ingrained something
7:28
Speaker 1: is The beauty about self directed neuroplasticity, which is basically
7:32
Speaker 1: intentional self directed change that you want to make in
7:35
Speaker 1: your brain, is that so many things, even habitual ways
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Speaker 1: of being and thinking and believing, can be remolded, melted
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Speaker 1: down and rebuilt again. So let's diven. We're starting with
7:49
Speaker 1: an overview of the four different attachment styles. Now, I
7:54
Speaker 1: have a whole episode on attachment theory. Just go into
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Speaker 1: my podcast, like click into the podcast and at the top,
8:00
Speaker 1: whether you're on Spotify or Apple, at the top, just
8:02
Speaker 1: type in attachment theory and the episode will come up.
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Speaker 1: And it is a very in depth, extensive episode, one
8:10
Speaker 1: of my favorite episodes, one of your favorite episodes actually,
8:12
Speaker 1: as in my audience, and that will give you a
8:15
Speaker 1: very good overview. But I'm just giving like a very
8:18
Speaker 1: quick rundown. Now, you might hear attachment styles, and then
8:22
Speaker 1: more so when you talk about psychology and more so
8:24
Speaker 1: in research literature, you'll hear it referred to as attachment theory.
8:28
Speaker 1: But it's the same thing. And if you google attachment
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Speaker 1: theory or attachment style and you go images, you'll see
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Speaker 1: all these charts come up with four different kinds, but
8:37
Speaker 1: they'll all go by well, not all, but there'll be
8:40
Speaker 1: heaps of them go by slightly different names. So I'm
8:42
Speaker 1: going to go by the four more official names, but
8:47
Speaker 1: they kind of fee interchangeable a lot of them. You know,
8:49
Speaker 1: they might be called something else, but they mean this.
8:51
Speaker 1: So these are the four main ones based on a
8:53
Speaker 1: more psychology research point of view, not so much just
8:58
Speaker 1: like pops psychology articles that are done, but they all
9:02
Speaker 1: point to the same thing. Okay, So the first one,
9:05
Speaker 1: and good to know the most common one is secure attachment.
9:10
Speaker 1: So secure attachment is where you where it's easy for
9:14
Speaker 1: you to trust people unless they've given you reason not to.
9:17
Speaker 1: Where you feel comfortable with intimacy, with comfortable with vulnerability,
9:22
Speaker 1: but you're also comfortable with having your own space, being alone,
9:25
Speaker 1: and your own independence. So it's this really healthy kind
9:29
Speaker 1: of dynamic that you have between intimate relationships and the
9:32
Speaker 1: people that you love, being open and trustworthy, but also
9:35
Speaker 1: having a really secure sense of your relationship with yourself. Okay,
9:39
Speaker 1: so you can you're happy to rely on other people.
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Speaker 1: You don't feel like, oh I've got it, it's all
9:45
Speaker 1: on me, or you don't feel like I have to
9:47
Speaker 1: rely on other people, but you choose to and you
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Speaker 1: don't fear the worst in relationships and in people. You
9:54
Speaker 1: feel safe and you feel lovable. Okay, that's secure attachment.
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Speaker 1: Out of the four attachment styles, one is secure, the
10:00
Speaker 1: three are insecure. Okay. The next one we have is
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Speaker 1: anxious attachment, which is what I'm talking about. This one
10:07
Speaker 1: is also known as anxious ambivalent attachment. So this is
10:13
Speaker 1: where you are quite insecure in a relationship where you
10:16
Speaker 1: are fearful of not being loved, so you fear that
10:22
Speaker 1: they might be cheating on you, they might not actually
10:24
Speaker 1: love you. You constantly need reassurance, you constantly need validation.
10:29
Speaker 1: Tiny things will completely set you off and make you
10:31
Speaker 1: feel really anxious. You want to check their phone, you'll
10:34
Speaker 1: want to be I'm going to go more in depth
10:36
Speaker 1: about this, so I won't delve too much into it
10:38
Speaker 1: in this overview, but that's basically anxious attachment. Then we've
10:41
Speaker 1: got avoidant attachment, which is also known as dismissive avoidant,
10:47
Speaker 1: or you might hear it known as anxious avoidant. So
10:51
Speaker 1: this is like a really strong desire for independent, not
10:54
Speaker 1: needing others, not wanting to rely on others, so you
10:57
Speaker 1: kind of will refuse people help or you'll avoid people's
11:02
Speaker 1: help at all costs. Now, this is very different to
11:04
Speaker 1: being an independent person who is securely attached. Okay. This
11:08
Speaker 1: is more feeling like I can't rely on other people
11:11
Speaker 1: because they're gonna let me down. It's not this independence
11:15
Speaker 1: of I like doing things for myself. I can provide
11:17
Speaker 1: for myself. I don't need to because I know. I
11:20
Speaker 1: always speak about the importance of independence and the importance
11:23
Speaker 1: of doing things for yourself. But the difference here is
11:26
Speaker 1: that you literally will avoid help at all costs because
11:30
Speaker 1: you have this belief that people are gonna let you down.
11:33
Speaker 1: So it's may against the world. I've just got to
11:35
Speaker 1: do it for myself. I can't lean on anyone, okay.
11:38
Speaker 1: So you avoid, you push people away, you don't let
11:40
Speaker 1: people come too close, and that's just your like, your
11:43
Speaker 1: way of operating. Then we've got the last one, which
11:45
Speaker 1: is disorganized attachment. So this is also known as fearful avoidant.
11:50
Speaker 1: You might have seen it written down it So this
11:52
Speaker 1: is where you have a lot of inner conflict. It's
11:55
Speaker 1: very like the name suggests, disorganized, and it's this raving intimacy,
12:02
Speaker 1: craving love, but then this really strong fear of getting
12:05
Speaker 1: too close and pushing people away. So you've got this
12:08
Speaker 1: like push pool push pull. It's really confusing for the individual,
12:11
Speaker 1: but it's also really confusing for anyone that's trying to
12:14
Speaker 1: build an intimate relationship with this person. And it's hard
12:17
Speaker 1: with friends, and it's even harder with romantic relationships. So
12:23
Speaker 1: this often disorganized attachment often stems from children that were
12:27
Speaker 1: neglected or abused, but not in every case. Okay, but
12:30
Speaker 1: that's more commonly what you see. Now that's the overview.
12:36
Speaker 1: If you want way more in depth explanation, go check
12:39
Speaker 1: out the episode on it. Now let's talk about how
12:42
Speaker 1: it can manifest. We're now we're just going to be
12:45
Speaker 1: talking about anxious attachment from here onwards. Okay, how does
12:48
Speaker 1: anxious attachment manifest? How does it come about? So in
12:51
Speaker 1: most cases we don't know what percentage, but in a
12:55
Speaker 1: vast number of cases this comes about due to how
12:59
Speaker 1: you were raised, who your primary caregiver was, your parent
13:03
Speaker 1: or whoever that was, and how they raised you, and
13:05
Speaker 1: the relationship that you had, the dynamic that you had
13:08
Speaker 1: growing up. That's the main one. So childhood from infancy
13:11
Speaker 1: into adulthood. Okay, for example, one of the common things
13:15
Speaker 1: is that how you were loved. So you were loved
13:18
Speaker 1: when you were raised, but how you were loved might
13:21
Speaker 1: not have been consistent, so you were seeing a lot
13:23
Speaker 1: of inconsistencies in the parenting. So they might have been
13:27
Speaker 1: really overbearing, an intrusive like helicopter parenting where they're wanting
13:31
Speaker 1: to oversee everything and not giving you space to kind
13:34
Speaker 1: of explore on your own. But then when you so
13:38
Speaker 1: you don't want it, you don't need it, it's a
13:40
Speaker 1: bit too overwhelming. But then when you did need it,
13:44
Speaker 1: they dismissed you. They couldn't give you the love that
13:46
Speaker 1: you needed when you needed it. So it's kind of
13:48
Speaker 1: this like opposite of what you need. They're there too
13:51
Speaker 1: much when you don't want them there, and then when
13:52
Speaker 1: you do want them there, you don't, you know, So
13:54
Speaker 1: you're always feeling like I am responsible for their mood.
13:58
Speaker 1: I'm responsible for their I have to when they want
14:02
Speaker 1: to be around me, I've got to basically please them.
14:04
Speaker 1: And that's where this people pleasing side of people who
14:07
Speaker 1: are anxiously attached kind of weaves its way in. What's
14:10
Speaker 1: really common, as an example is that these parents found
14:14
Speaker 1: parenting to be quite overwhelming for themselves, and so what
14:18
Speaker 1: they might often see is that they're really trying their
14:22
Speaker 1: but almost trying in a sense where you feel where
14:25
Speaker 1: it's overbearing, this helicopter parenting. But then they'll be preoccupied
14:29
Speaker 1: and busy on whatever, and then when you reach out
14:32
Speaker 1: to them, they dismiss you. So it's kind of like,
14:36
Speaker 1: I'm busy right now, I can't see you right now,
14:38
Speaker 1: I can't whatever. So it's kind of almost always on
14:40
Speaker 1: their terms. It's like when you try and reach out
14:42
Speaker 1: for intimacy or for you know, closeness, they're like palm
14:46
Speaker 1: you off, or they yell at you, or they snap,
14:48
Speaker 1: and even if they repair after, like you do feel loved.
14:52
Speaker 1: They were a loving parent. It's not an abusive situation,
14:57
Speaker 1: but it's more this the way that they showed love
15:00
Speaker 1: was quite inconsistent. It was either way too much and
15:04
Speaker 1: then when you did need it, it wasn't really there
15:06
Speaker 1: or they weren't able to show it in a way
15:07
Speaker 1: that made you feel seen or heard. So that's one
15:11
Speaker 1: of the very one of the main reasons why someone
15:14
Speaker 1: will become anxiously attached. But then there's other reasons. For example,
15:19
Speaker 1: other things that can happen in your life other relationships
15:23
Speaker 1: that you could get into, other really intense, emotionally intense
15:27
Speaker 1: experiences that can happen to you, whether it be an
15:29
Speaker 1: abusive relationship, whether it be something that really has torn
15:32
Speaker 1: you down emotionally and torn down your relationship with yourself,
15:35
Speaker 1: that can also cause someone to become anxiously anxiously attached. Okay,
15:40
Speaker 1: so it's not always your childhood. So what are the
15:46
Speaker 1: hallmark scigns. Let's go through the hallmark signs. Really think
15:50
Speaker 1: about this. Ask yourself if you've ever wondered I think
15:53
Speaker 1: I'm anxiously attached, ask yourself, is this me? Or is
15:55
Speaker 1: this my partner? Okay? Number one intense emotional aversion to
16:01
Speaker 1: being alone. You don't like being alone. And I'm not
16:03
Speaker 1: talking about like walking to work alone. I'm talking about
16:07
Speaker 1: having the whole night alone but someone's not there, or
16:11
Speaker 1: just the thought of being single and being alone in
16:13
Speaker 1: that sense. Okay, you just don't like it. You don't
16:16
Speaker 1: like the thought of it, you don't want to be alone.
16:18
Speaker 1: The second one is you struggle to set boundaries. And
16:20
Speaker 1: the reason that you struggle to set boundaries is again
16:23
Speaker 1: because of this people pleasing thing and this fear of
16:25
Speaker 1: not being lovable or not being loved. You don't want
16:28
Speaker 1: to push someone away. You don't want to risk someone
16:30
Speaker 1: being disappointed in you. So you don't really want to
16:33
Speaker 1: set that boundary because you don't want to tell someone
16:35
Speaker 1: what they can and can't do. If you're thinking, but
16:38
Speaker 1: what if they don't even love me the way I
16:39
Speaker 1: want them to love me? So you struggle to set boundaries.
16:42
Speaker 1: You feel like you are not easy to love or
16:45
Speaker 1: that you're not worthy of love. And this occurs almost
16:51
Speaker 1: more so when you are in a relationship where someone
16:54
Speaker 1: is expressing to you that they love you. It's almost
16:56
Speaker 1: like you're waiting for something to go wrong. You're waiting
16:59
Speaker 1: for something to happen because you're like, I just don't it,
17:02
Speaker 1: just I don't know, Like you really struggle to really
17:05
Speaker 1: believe that someone loves you wholeheartedly, which then of course
17:10
Speaker 1: causes this constant need for validation that they do love you.
17:14
Speaker 1: So it's this kind of once you are in a
17:16
Speaker 1: loving relationship, just them loving you in that way almost
17:20
Speaker 1: isn't enough. It's like I need to see it expressed
17:22
Speaker 1: in a way that makes sense to me on a
17:24
Speaker 1: regular basis to calm my nerves down. You are likely
17:30
Speaker 1: not in every case, but you are very likely to
17:32
Speaker 1: be jealous and also act out on these jealous feelings.
17:37
Speaker 1: So getting upset, getting angry, checking your partner's phone, doing
17:42
Speaker 1: all of that. Low self esteem is one fear of abandonment.
17:48
Speaker 1: It's something that plays in your mind a lot, this
17:50
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment, struggling to trust others, trust the people
17:55
Speaker 1: that you're dating because you fear that they're going to
17:57
Speaker 1: leave you, or you fear that they're going to be unfaithful,
18:00
Speaker 1: even though they've given you no reason to believe that whatsoever.
18:03
Speaker 1: They could be, you know, loving you the whole time.
18:05
Speaker 1: They are consistent with their behavior towards you. They have
18:09
Speaker 1: never shown signs of infidelity, not even close, but you
18:11
Speaker 1: still have a fear that that's what could be going on.
18:16
Speaker 1: And you're also hyper aware if someone's tone changes, or
18:21
Speaker 1: if their mood changes or something in their voice changes,
18:24
Speaker 1: and even the most subtle changes, you will instantly think
18:29
Speaker 1: you caused it and it's your fault, or that they're
18:32
Speaker 1: upset with you. Instead of thinking, oh, they must that
18:36
Speaker 1: sigh must have meant that they're probably tired, You think,
18:38
Speaker 1: what have I done wrong? They're pissed? Off at me,
18:39
Speaker 1: what have I done? So you'll be really in tune
18:41
Speaker 1: with these subtle changes, but you'll also think that something's
18:46
Speaker 1: wrong with you and the relationship. Okay. You will also
18:50
Speaker 1: put up with like subpar individuals and really unhealthy behavior
18:55
Speaker 1: in relationships due to all of the above. And then
18:58
Speaker 1: even when you are in a healthy relationship with a
19:01
Speaker 1: secure person, this can continue to manifest. So for some people,
19:10
Speaker 1: for a select number of people who are anxiously attached,
19:13
Speaker 1: they can enter relationship with someone who is very secure,
19:16
Speaker 1: like has a really strong secure attachment, who's really open communicator,
19:21
Speaker 1: really healthy love, and after a while, your anxious attachment
19:26
Speaker 1: can reduce, reduce, reduce until you learn to love in
19:29
Speaker 1: a secure attached way. That's possible. However, for the most part,
19:34
Speaker 1: most people still have to do the work on themselves
19:37
Speaker 1: as well. So you want to be in a relationship
19:39
Speaker 1: with someone who is securely attached, or if you're in
19:41
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone who's anxiously attached, but you've got
19:44
Speaker 1: to be aware of what's going on. Number one is awareness,
19:47
Speaker 1: shedding light and actually doing the work to change it,
19:50
Speaker 1: because there are many people that struggle with this, even
19:53
Speaker 1: if they're dating like the ultimate saint who has all
19:56
Speaker 1: the patience in the world and all the understanding and everything.
20:00
Speaker 1: It still doesn't make it go away, because this is
20:02
Speaker 1: something that's occurring within your own mind.
20:04
Speaker 2: Okay, So now.
20:23
Speaker 1: Let's go through examples of behavior, like specific examples of behavior.
20:27
Speaker 1: Number one checking the post and social media all the time.
20:31
Speaker 1: Number two checking their phone. Now, mind you all of these,
20:34
Speaker 1: it's not like, Oh, I don't check my partner's phone,
20:36
Speaker 1: so I'm not actually attached. I'm saying there's a common behavior,
20:39
Speaker 1: but not all of them have to apply checking their phone.
20:41
Speaker 1: Number three calling your partner again and again until they answer.
20:45
Speaker 1: So if you called them and they didn't answer and
20:46
Speaker 1: it rang through, you think, now I just have to
20:48
Speaker 1: keep calling them. Okay. If your partner doesn't answer, you
20:53
Speaker 1: are likely to jump to the worst case scenario, like
20:56
Speaker 1: they've screened my call. They are intentionally ignoring me. If
20:59
Speaker 1: they have called you back in an hour, you begin
21:02
Speaker 1: to spiral. You have catastrophic thoughts thinking like what have
21:05
Speaker 1: I done wrong? What are they doing? Who are they with?
21:08
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking, oh, their phone's on silent and they
21:11
Speaker 1: haven't seen it, or like instead of your automatic go
21:14
Speaker 1: to thought being like the most innocent reason why someone
21:17
Speaker 1: wouldn't call you back after an hour, you jump to
21:20
Speaker 1: worst case scenario for you, whatever your worst case scenario is.
21:24
Speaker 1: You start spiraling with catastrophic thoughts or catastrophizing thoughts when
21:29
Speaker 1: you feel like your feelings are not validated or you're
21:32
Speaker 1: not getting constant reassurance, so that like will send you
21:35
Speaker 1: in a spiral. And when things are good and everything's
21:39
Speaker 1: perfectly fine, you still have this feeling that something could
21:42
Speaker 1: go wrong, or maybe they don't actually really love you
21:45
Speaker 1: their way they say they love you. See, even when
21:47
Speaker 1: everything's perfect, you've got this kind of thing eating away.
21:52
Speaker 1: You are described as clingy or you consider yourself to
21:58
Speaker 1: be clingy in that sense, asking your partner repeatedly if
22:03
Speaker 1: they're into you or if they find you attractive, and
22:08
Speaker 1: also doing anything to avoid a breakup, even if you
22:11
Speaker 1: feel that you can't trust that person. So this is
22:14
Speaker 1: where you put up with unhealthy behavior, or this is
22:17
Speaker 1: where you struggle to set boundaries in the sense that
22:21
Speaker 1: you know, if it was if the relationship had run
22:23
Speaker 1: its course, someone who was securely attached would still feel heartbreak.
22:28
Speaker 1: They'll still feel devastated, but they can see this is
22:31
Speaker 1: not the right relationship for us, Whereas someone who's anxiously
22:35
Speaker 1: attached might turn a blind eye and think, I have
22:38
Speaker 1: to make this work because if I can't make this work,
22:40
Speaker 1: then I truly am unlovable. Okay, So those are examples
22:45
Speaker 1: of that behavior. Like I said, you don't have to
22:47
Speaker 1: tick all the boxes for it to apply it to you. Now,
22:50
Speaker 1: let's talk about how this can negatively impact your relationship. Now,
22:53
Speaker 1: I think there's so many people here who can like
22:56
Speaker 1: hands down and be like that is fucking me. I'm
22:59
Speaker 1: dating someone like this right now and I really love them,
23:01
Speaker 1: but I'm struggling or I feel like I'm pushing someone
23:05
Speaker 1: away because I'm anxiously attached to what the fuck can
23:07
Speaker 1: I do? So let's first talk about how it can
23:08
Speaker 1: negatively impact your relationships. So people with anxious attachment styles
23:13
Speaker 1: can sabotage their relationship because they're always doubting their partner
23:19
Speaker 1: and if someone if you've got to not that I'm
23:22
Speaker 1: not saying it's ideal, but if you've got two people
23:24
Speaker 1: who are anxiously attached dating, there's going to be a
23:27
Speaker 1: lot of issues, and there's going to be a lot
23:29
Speaker 1: of almost like codependent behaviors going on and a lot
23:32
Speaker 1: of mistrust. However, the one silver lining in it is
23:36
Speaker 1: that there's this kind of mutual understanding towards each other's
23:39
Speaker 1: jealousy and each other's fears. Okay, but if you've got
23:43
Speaker 1: someone who's securely attached, which is the main most common
23:47
Speaker 1: attachment style out of the form dating someone who's anxiously attached,
23:51
Speaker 1: it's going to be quite exhausting for the person who's
23:54
Speaker 1: securely attached to always be doubted and not trusted and
23:58
Speaker 1: needing to be proving themselves and validating themselves constantly. They're
24:02
Speaker 1: going to kind of feel like there's nothing I can
24:05
Speaker 1: do or say to make you realize how I feel
24:07
Speaker 1: about you. And I also feel like I've done nothing
24:10
Speaker 1: for you not to trust me, yet here you are
24:11
Speaker 1: not trusting me. So this person starts to feel like
24:14
Speaker 1: they're getting you know, pushed away or worn down. Okay,
24:18
Speaker 1: they kind of get tired of being doubted by their
24:20
Speaker 1: partner the whole time when they've not given them any
24:23
Speaker 1: reason for them to be doubted. Okay, So you see
24:26
Speaker 1: this breakdown of relationships because there's this constant doubting of
24:31
Speaker 1: the partner instead of this ability to be more in
24:34
Speaker 1: the moment and see your partner's love for what it
24:36
Speaker 1: is and really like live in that love and really
24:39
Speaker 1: enjoy the love in that moment. It's almost like they
24:41
Speaker 1: can never be present, they can never really enjoy the
24:44
Speaker 1: love because they're always panicking about what could happen next.
24:47
Speaker 1: No matter how much they love their partner, it's got
24:49
Speaker 1: nothing to do with them not loving the partner. Then,
24:53
Speaker 1: because of all of this, there's almost this self fulfilling
24:56
Speaker 1: prophecy that happens, And what ends up happening is that
25:00
Speaker 1: the thing that you fear the most, which is being
25:02
Speaker 1: broken up with or abandoned, is what actually ends up happening.
25:07
Speaker 1: If you keep pushing your partner away by saying, you know,
25:09
Speaker 1: I don't trust you. I've got to check your phone,
25:10
Speaker 1: why didn't you answer my cause? Why didn't you this whiting?
25:12
Speaker 1: And then the partner's like, I can't, I don't know
25:15
Speaker 1: how to deal with this. I don't I'm not equipped
25:16
Speaker 1: to deal with this relationship. I can't be in it right.
25:19
Speaker 1: So then your biggest fear you were doing all of
25:21
Speaker 1: this to feel more secure, but in fact what you've
25:25
Speaker 1: done is now you're feeling even more insecure because you're like, see,
25:28
Speaker 1: I knew I was unlovable, and here's the proof. This
25:31
Speaker 1: person just walked away from me. I was trying to
25:33
Speaker 1: seek validation and they walked away from me. So this person,
25:37
Speaker 1: the anxiously attached person, is feeling like self fulfilled prophecy.
25:41
Speaker 1: What I thought was going to happen has happened now.
25:43
Speaker 1: It's it's increased my anxiety around it, it's increased my fear.
25:48
Speaker 1: But the person on the receiving end has been like,
25:51
Speaker 1: I did everything I could and that person still didn't
25:53
Speaker 1: feel like I loved them, and they still didn't trust me.
25:55
Speaker 1: I don't think this could ever get better, so I
25:57
Speaker 1: had to walk away. Okay. So you're looking at it
25:59
Speaker 1: from these two and it's really really sad because you
26:01
Speaker 1: could have like two epic people that could build something
26:04
Speaker 1: great together, but they're just it's just not aligning. Okay.
26:10
Speaker 1: And if you and like I said before, if your
26:11
Speaker 1: partner is securely attached, this constant questioning, this constant need
26:16
Speaker 1: for validation, these back to back calls, the lack of trust,
26:19
Speaker 1: it's exhausting and they might eventually be like, this is
26:22
Speaker 1: not my style of intimacy. I can't do this okay,
26:26
Speaker 1: And then of course arguments will begin to increase in
26:29
Speaker 1: these relationships because because of this constant seeking of validation
26:33
Speaker 1: to feel good in that moment, but your partner just
26:35
Speaker 1: doesn't feel trusted and they constantly feel like they're in
26:39
Speaker 1: the wrong. So in the moment where you need the validation,
26:42
Speaker 1: they're probably less likely to want to give it to
26:43
Speaker 1: you because they're like, well, now you're making me feel
26:45
Speaker 1: like I've done something wrong. So for me to turn
26:47
Speaker 1: around and be like, oh my god, but I love
26:48
Speaker 1: you so much, it's all good. It's like, I do
26:50
Speaker 1: love you, but right now it's probably not the time
26:51
Speaker 1: that I want to say it. So really, what we're
26:53
Speaker 1: saying is this like crazy breakdown in communication. And a
26:56
Speaker 1: lot of the time when these relationships break down on
26:59
Speaker 1: people who have anxious attachment comes down to this inability
27:03
Speaker 1: to properly communicate across what's going on. And one of
27:06
Speaker 1: the reasons why you're scared to communicate across is again
27:09
Speaker 1: because you are such a people pleaser, and when you're
27:11
Speaker 1: a people pleaser, you don't want to disappoint someone with
27:14
Speaker 1: a request with a boundary. You don't want to disappoint
27:17
Speaker 1: someone with saying, Hey, this is what I would like
27:19
Speaker 1: it to look like. This is what I need from you.
27:21
Speaker 1: Are you able to give me this? So now let's
27:24
Speaker 1: get to the crux of it. Can it be changed? Yes? Absolutely,
27:27
Speaker 1: you can do a lot to change it. There's so
27:29
Speaker 1: much that can be done to change it, and there's
27:32
Speaker 1: a lot of change that can happen. Okay, so let's
27:37
Speaker 1: go through the main changes. Well, I'm going to give
27:40
Speaker 1: you one number one change, but then I'm going to
27:42
Speaker 1: give you another five points. So the number one way,
27:44
Speaker 1: of course is therapy, working through this with a therapist
27:49
Speaker 1: who can specialize in this field. Okay, but a lot
27:53
Speaker 1: of people are like, well, I don't know if I'm
27:55
Speaker 1: ready for therapy yet. I don't know if I can
27:57
Speaker 1: afford therapy. I don't know if it's that extreme for me.
27:59
Speaker 1: There be many reasons why you're not going to go
28:01
Speaker 1: to therapy. So you can try these other things as well.
28:04
Speaker 1: But keep in mind that if you have that resource
28:08
Speaker 1: available to you, it is extremely helpful because you've got
28:11
Speaker 1: someone to bounce off, you can talk about it. They
28:13
Speaker 1: can give you so much insight into what it is
28:16
Speaker 1: that you are going through and give you week to
28:18
Speaker 1: weak tools to put into practice. But if we're not
28:21
Speaker 1: going down the therapy route or at the same time
28:23
Speaker 1: as therapy, these are things that you can be focusing on.
28:26
Speaker 1: So Number one, of course is communication and vulnerability. What's
28:31
Speaker 1: important to note is that your feelings are a reaction
28:36
Speaker 1: to how you have perceived a situation, and that is
28:39
Speaker 1: perfectly okay and that is valid. So if you feel
28:41
Speaker 1: anxious because someone hasn't called you back and you feel
28:44
Speaker 1: this way, that is valid because that's how you are
28:47
Speaker 1: perceiving the situation. However, that is not a reason. It
28:52
Speaker 1: doesn't make it okay for you to then shift the
28:56
Speaker 1: blame on the partner and make them feel like they
28:59
Speaker 1: are in the wrong or they are falling short with
29:03
Speaker 1: what they're doing. Instead, it's an opportunity to open up
29:08
Speaker 1: to your partner and speak about how it is that
29:10
Speaker 1: you are feeling. I know it's really hard, especially if
29:13
Speaker 1: you're anxiously attached, to talk about the fact that you're
29:16
Speaker 1: anxiously attached to your partner, but it is one of
29:19
Speaker 1: the best ways to ensure that you can continue growing
29:23
Speaker 1: alongside this person in a relationship instead of it like
29:26
Speaker 1: a avoiding avoiding having these vulnerable talks and then the
29:30
Speaker 1: whole thing crumbling. Okay, So I think it's really important
29:33
Speaker 1: to be like, hey, I'm quite anxious in you know,
29:37
Speaker 1: when I enter relationships, and I never want you to
29:39
Speaker 1: feel like I'm shifting blame on you. But I also
29:41
Speaker 1: want you to be aware of my behavior and it's
29:43
Speaker 1: something that I want to work on, and i'd actually
29:45
Speaker 1: love to work on this as a team. So I
29:48
Speaker 1: would love to go through how I normally react to
29:52
Speaker 1: things and for you to realize that I don't ever
29:55
Speaker 1: want to come across as I'm attacking you. I want
29:57
Speaker 1: us to get closer, but I also want you to
30:00
Speaker 1: understand how my head is working at the moment and
30:02
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to work through. Okay. So that's a
30:05
Speaker 1: really great way to talk to your partner in a
30:08
Speaker 1: way that doesn't shift blame on them on their actions.
30:11
Speaker 1: But you're also not putting yourself down either. You also
30:13
Speaker 1: don't want to be like, oh my god, I'm so
30:15
Speaker 1: fucked on because you're not fucked Okay, You're fine. You
30:18
Speaker 1: just need to learn how to tweak a few things
30:22
Speaker 1: into how you perceive certain things, how you approach certain things,
30:25
Speaker 1: and have your partner on board at the same time. Okay,
30:28
Speaker 1: So another really important thing is to tell your partner
30:32
Speaker 1: exactly what it is that you need, and then ask
30:35
Speaker 1: them what it is that they need, and then see
30:38
Speaker 1: if you can find a middle ground. Okay, So, for example,
30:44
Speaker 1: these are the things that I would need in a
30:45
Speaker 1: day so I can feel really loved and feel like
30:49
Speaker 1: I'm in a loving relationship. What would you need from
30:52
Speaker 1: me so you can feel loved and in a loving relationship?
30:56
Speaker 1: And then how can we find this middle ground and
30:58
Speaker 1: establish what that middle ground looks like so that way
31:01
Speaker 1: you can have your expectations met of each other. Okay.
31:06
Speaker 1: So for example, if you say, well, I need to
31:09
Speaker 1: be called every single hour on the hour in order
31:11
Speaker 1: for me to feel loved, and if your partner responded saying, see,
31:15
Speaker 1: I would feel that that's quite intense for me. I
31:18
Speaker 1: don't think I could match the calling you every single hour.
31:22
Speaker 1: But what if I was to call you just before
31:24
Speaker 1: I went into work, and then on my lunch break,
31:26
Speaker 1: and then on my way home. Would that work for
31:29
Speaker 1: you? You know, because these are the times that's appropriate for
31:32
Speaker 1: me to call. It's when I can actually like focus
31:35
Speaker 1: and pay attention on the conversation and whatever. Then you're like, yeah, okay, yep, okay.
31:39
Speaker 1: If we're working together on this, it's not like, oh,
31:42
Speaker 1: I'm really hoping that they call. You just have to
31:44
Speaker 1: tell them what it is that you want. And it
31:46
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they're going to be able to meet
31:48
Speaker 1: every need that you want, but you're going to be
31:51
Speaker 1: able to express to them what it is that you know.
31:55
Speaker 1: When I don't have this, that's when I start to
31:57
Speaker 1: feel anxious. And they'll be like, yeah, fair enough, okay,
31:59
Speaker 1: but the reason I can't give you this is because
32:01
Speaker 1: I'm either flat out or I like to switch my
32:03
Speaker 1: phone off while I'm focusing on a task or put
32:05
Speaker 1: it on silent or xyz. You know. Your partner might
32:10
Speaker 1: also say, I want you to realize that when I
32:12
Speaker 1: don't answer a call, it's never because I'm screening your call,
32:16
Speaker 1: but it's because I've got something on in that moment.
32:18
Speaker 1: I'm never just going to be ignoring your calls back
32:20
Speaker 1: to back. It's because I'm occupied on a task, or
32:23
Speaker 1: I'm in the middle of a conversation with somebody, or
32:26
Speaker 1: i'm working or whatever. Okay, so you start to have
32:30
Speaker 1: this conversation and then when your partner expresses to you
32:33
Speaker 1: what it is that they're able to give you, and
32:35
Speaker 1: vice versa. Then you're like, all right, now my expectations
32:39
Speaker 1: are a lot clearer, and I can base my expectations
32:42
Speaker 1: on what they have told me, not on this like
32:45
Speaker 1: I need them to call me every single hour because
32:46
Speaker 1: I've created this concept in my own mind when they've
32:49
Speaker 1: never said that they're able to meet my expectations. I
32:53
Speaker 1: haven't even told them what my expectations are. So that's
32:56
Speaker 1: the beauty of communicating with your partner. You don't have
32:59
Speaker 1: to go in hard beating like this is an ultimatum
33:01
Speaker 1: if I don't get this, if I don't get that,
33:02
Speaker 1: because that's not how relationships work. It's not like you
33:05
Speaker 1: have to meet all this otherwise you're done. And also,
33:08
Speaker 1: you don't want to be doing that because you're if
33:10
Speaker 1: you're anxiously attached, you're likely a people please it, So
33:12
Speaker 1: you're not going.
33:12
Speaker 2: To do that.
33:13
Speaker 1: So instead it's like, let's talk, let's talk, let's get
33:16
Speaker 1: to know each other, Let's get to know what works,
33:19
Speaker 1: what doesn't, what will set me off. Like, another really
33:23
Speaker 1: important thing is to talk about when these things happen.
33:26
Speaker 1: This is how I feel not to say that the
33:28
Speaker 1: partner can never do that, but just so they have
33:31
Speaker 1: some insight into why you might be a bit you know,
33:34
Speaker 1: intense or upset that day. Okay, the next thing that
33:38
Speaker 1: you're gonna do is just educate yourself on attachment theory.
33:41
Speaker 1: Listen to the other episode that I have, do a
33:43
Speaker 1: bit of reading on it. It's actually quite almost like
33:47
Speaker 1: it's really nice to be able to research something that
33:50
Speaker 1: you're going through and see how much information there is
33:52
Speaker 1: out there on the topic. It's like, instead of living
33:55
Speaker 1: in it, you're able to pull yourself out and look
33:58
Speaker 1: at it and learn about it and observe it from
34:01
Speaker 1: an outside perspective. So read up on it, understand about it,
34:05
Speaker 1: so much more about it. There's so many people in
34:07
Speaker 1: your position, and there's also so many people who have
34:09
Speaker 1: overcome it and become way more securely attached because they've
34:15
Speaker 1: done the work. So I would definitely educate myself on
34:17
Speaker 1: and listen to episodes. It's you feel like way more empowered,
34:21
Speaker 1: is what I'm trying to say. When you do that.
34:24
Speaker 1: The next thing number three is practice independence, because this
34:28
Speaker 1: is something that you avoid at all costs. You feel
34:30
Speaker 1: like you can't be alone so practice doing things just
34:34
Speaker 1: for you where your partner is not there. So that
34:37
Speaker 1: might be I'm going to start going maybe twice a
34:40
Speaker 1: week on a walk alone, a one hour walk by myself.
34:44
Speaker 1: Or I'm going to sign up for this yoga studio
34:46
Speaker 1: and it's just me, like, we're not going to go together.
34:48
Speaker 1: I'm just going to be going to this yoga studio
34:50
Speaker 1: down the road and it's going to be my thing
34:52
Speaker 1: that I do. Or I'm going to have one night
34:55
Speaker 1: a week or however many times a month or week
34:58
Speaker 1: where I'm just going to go out with my goal
35:00
Speaker 1: friends and I'm going to commit to at least for
35:03
Speaker 1: two hours. I'm not going to message you or call
35:05
Speaker 1: you when I'm with my girls or my boys or whoever.
35:08
Speaker 1: I'm not going to call you. I'm just gonna that's
35:12
Speaker 1: going to be my time with my friends and or
35:16
Speaker 1: you know. So, there's so many things that you can do.
35:18
Speaker 1: Any activity that feels right for you. You choose the duration,
35:21
Speaker 1: but it's going to feel slightly uncomfortable. If it doesn't
35:23
Speaker 1: feel slightly uncomfortable, then you're probably not pushing it far
35:26
Speaker 1: enough as far as you need to push. It's going
35:27
Speaker 1: to be a bit of a challenge. It's going to
35:29
Speaker 1: make you grow. Okay, So practice independence. When you do
35:33
Speaker 1: more things for yourself, you realize I can have my
35:35
Speaker 1: own back, I can be comfortable alone. I can be
35:39
Speaker 1: comfortable when my partner's not around and I'm just me
35:42
Speaker 1: and I don't need them to be contacting me. Twenty
35:44
Speaker 1: four to seven. I like being in my own presence,
35:48
Speaker 1: but at the moment it might not feel that way.
35:51
Speaker 1: Number four, take steps on working on your overall anxiety
35:55
Speaker 1: and your overall mindfulness. Okay, because this is anxiety. Okay.
36:00
Speaker 1: Anxious attachment is a form of anxiety, and it manifests
36:04
Speaker 1: in many, many different kinds of ways. There's many generalized anxiety,
36:07
Speaker 1: then there's social anxiety, and you might not have you know,
36:10
Speaker 1: one or the other, but it is anxiety. And things
36:13
Speaker 1: that help with anxiety are of course, meditation. Journaling is
36:19
Speaker 1: great because you're putting your thoughts down onto paper and
36:21
Speaker 1: you're able to take, you know, take it out of
36:24
Speaker 1: that emotional center and you're able to look at it
36:27
Speaker 1: from a logic perspective. It talks you down. If the ledge,
36:29
Speaker 1: you start to feel a lot calmer. And things like
36:32
Speaker 1: yoga as well, you know, like long walks where it's
36:36
Speaker 1: like a guided walking meditation or things like that, where
36:39
Speaker 1: you're being mindful on that walk. Okay. And then the
36:42
Speaker 1: last one, and this is really important, is pay attention
36:48
Speaker 1: to your language. Language and how you communicate is so important.
36:54
Speaker 1: So for example, when something happens with your partner and
36:59
Speaker 1: you feel really triggered or your emotions I should say,
37:03
Speaker 1: have been triggered, like they didn't call you back, or
37:06
Speaker 1: they you know, went a whole day without texting you,
37:10
Speaker 1: and you're really upset. A really good thing to talk
37:14
Speaker 1: about is when you don't message me, I feel upset,
37:19
Speaker 1: or when I don't receive a message all day long,
37:21
Speaker 1: I feel quite anxious. Not you made me anxious because
37:26
Speaker 1: you didn't text me. One is accusation you've done something
37:29
Speaker 1: wrong and you're wrongdoing has caused me to feel this
37:32
Speaker 1: way and I'm not in control of that. You're in control.
37:35
Speaker 1: And the other one is taking control of your own
37:37
Speaker 1: emotions and saying when I'm exposed to this behavior, whether
37:41
Speaker 1: it's right or wrong. I'm not saying it's right or wrong,
37:43
Speaker 1: but when this thing occurs, I feel this way. That
37:48
Speaker 1: then allows your partner to be like, Okay, I understood,
37:51
Speaker 1: you know, like, it allows for a much warmer conversation
37:55
Speaker 1: to be had. If you go off the bat and
37:57
Speaker 1: say you've caused this, You've caused this behavior, that thing
38:00
Speaker 1: that you did has caused this head that's when you
38:02
Speaker 1: start to see cracks in those relationships. Because there's a
38:04
Speaker 1: lot of secure attached people out there who are dating
38:07
Speaker 1: people who are anxiously attached and they're in a healthy relationship,
38:11
Speaker 1: probably because they have really great communication. Okay, the better
38:15
Speaker 1: your communication, the faster you're going to shift from anxious
38:18
Speaker 1: attached to secure attached. Because you start to you start
38:22
Speaker 1: to realize, I can be vulnerable, I can communicate, I
38:24
Speaker 1: can talk about this. I can listen to what they
38:26
Speaker 1: have to say and not think that they're on the attack.
38:29
Speaker 1: I can, you know, take on board what their needs
38:31
Speaker 1: are and want to try and meet their needs while
38:33
Speaker 1: they're trying to meet mine. Okay, so your language is key. Okay,
38:39
Speaker 1: if you can get your partner to understand you, then
38:43
Speaker 1: you can get to a place where you're both working
38:45
Speaker 1: towards a common goal. You don't want to be like
38:47
Speaker 1: you've caused this, You need to change a right. You
38:50
Speaker 1: want to get to a point where you're like, I
38:52
Speaker 1: want you to know where my heads are. I want
38:54
Speaker 1: you to know how my mind operates. And I'm not
38:55
Speaker 1: saying that it's the right way because I am trying
38:58
Speaker 1: to kind of heal from this. But I think if
39:01
Speaker 1: you can see it from my perspective, then we can
39:02
Speaker 1: work on this as a team. You can gently pull
39:05
Speaker 1: me up on certain things and I can explain to
39:07
Speaker 1: you how things are making me feel or whatever, and
39:10
Speaker 1: that way we're both in this together instead of I'm
39:15
Speaker 1: putting the blame on you for making me feel a
39:17
Speaker 1: certain way and then feeling like you don't love me,
39:20
Speaker 1: and then I ultimately feel unlovable and then you ultimately
39:22
Speaker 1: walk away because you feel like you can't meet my needs.
39:25
Speaker 1: See the difference there one is you're working together as
39:28
Speaker 1: the team and the two year against each other even
39:29
Speaker 1: though you love each other. So yeah, that is my
39:35
Speaker 1: podcast on Anxious Attachment. I really would love for you
39:39
Speaker 1: to go back and listen to the first episode. Not
39:41
Speaker 1: first episode, I mean go for God, listen to take
39:43
Speaker 1: a for Faith episode number one. No, go back and
39:45
Speaker 1: listen to the episode on attachment theory, type and attachment theory.
39:49
Speaker 1: It's it's a bit of an eye opener and all
39:51
Speaker 1: the different attachment styles and I think you will like
39:53
Speaker 1: a lot if you liked this episode, and yeah, please
39:57
Speaker 1: write in let me know what you thought about the episode,
40:00
Speaker 1: let me know if you've been able to you know,
40:02
Speaker 1: bring this in so actually you know what something I
40:04
Speaker 1: would love to hear If any of you have been
40:08
Speaker 1: anxiously attached in the past and have since become secure,
40:12
Speaker 1: securely attached, please write in because I would love to
40:16
Speaker 1: read about that and not just and tell me how
40:18
Speaker 1: that happened, what you did on your journey, how you
40:21
Speaker 1: managed to change all of that and feel like you
40:24
Speaker 1: are now someone who is who has a secure attachment style.
40:27
Speaker 1: That would be epic because I think a lot of
40:29
Speaker 1: people would love to hear how you have gone about
40:32
Speaker 1: it in your own words. Okay, so that would be amazing,
40:35
Speaker 1: And just write in email info at dyfmpod info at
40:42
Speaker 1: dfmpod dot com. I always get it wrong. Or you
40:45
Speaker 1: can go into the website www dot dyfmpod dot com
40:50
Speaker 1: and you can actually leave either a voice note please
40:54
Speaker 1: do that. That would be so cute, or you can
40:56
Speaker 1: send like a little message in at the bottom of
40:58
Speaker 1: the page. You can write to me there as well
41:01
Speaker 1: that is all. I love you guys so much. Thank
41:03
Speaker 1: you for listening to today's episode. Thank you for being
41:06
Speaker 1: the real MVPs. Please continue to like my podcast, subscribe
41:11
Speaker 1: to my podcast because it helps my podcast on the
41:14
Speaker 1: charts and it helps with growth. And then of course,
41:16
Speaker 1: keep sharing it. I love it when you share it
41:18
Speaker 1: on socials and share it with your friends and family.
41:20
Speaker 1: It means the world to me. And of course, and
41:22
Speaker 1: other exciting thing is that my book just came out
41:24
Speaker 1: this week, my audio book. I'm sure you've heard a
41:27
Speaker 1: lot about it because I've been talking about it on
41:29
Speaker 1: literally every single episode. But the audiobook is out, and
41:32
Speaker 1: there's all these people sending me messages saying that they
41:35
Speaker 1: started reading it. They're on day one of thirty days,
41:38
Speaker 1: because it's thirty days to master your mindset where you
41:40
Speaker 1: listen to like ten minutes a day for thirty days.
41:42
Speaker 1: So people are already on day one kind of working
41:45
Speaker 1: through it, getting all excited, and oh, it just makes
41:47
Speaker 1: me feel so so pumped, almost like I don't know
41:51
Speaker 1: I was going to do, like let's get a group
41:53
Speaker 1: of people together so we could all go through it,
41:55
Speaker 1: but everyone's starting at a different time, so maybe that's
41:57
Speaker 1: not the way to do it. But I'd love to
41:58
Speaker 1: have like a little platform where people can discuss how
42:01
Speaker 1: they're going and all of that, so I'll kind of
42:03
Speaker 1: maybe we could do that on the Facebook page. But anyway,
42:06
Speaker 1: that is all for today. I love you guys so much.
42:08
Speaker 1: Thank you guys for tuning in. Shout out to my
42:10
Speaker 1: global beans, shout out to my majorcan beans, what a
42:13
Speaker 1: vibe that place is. And I will speak to you
42:17
Speaker 1: next time. As always, remember bekind to yourself, be kind
42:20
Speaker 1: to your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially
42:23
Speaker 1: don't take shit from yourself. Doctor