Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / There Is No Way To Love Or Respect Your Husband While Dismissing His Desire For Sex

Transcript

There Is No Way To Love Or Respect Your Husband While Dismissing His Desire For Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about the
• 0:12
  fact that you two. Really, you can't say that you
• 0:14
  love or respect your husband while you dismiss his need for
• 0:16
  sex or his desire for sex. And so, whole bunch of women
• 0:21
  that say I love you and they act like they're being loving, but
• 0:25
  they're not much like how men say that I love you but refused
• 0:30
  to like help the woman out around the house.
• 0:33
  They're also really not being loving.
• 0:35
  Like nobody's being loving if they dismiss something that's
• 0:37
  very important to their partner. But we'll talk about why this
• 0:40
  happens particularly for sex and physical affection.
• 0:43
  Right after I tell you that you must subscribe if you want to
• 0:46
  get over 100 bonus episodes that you can only get if you
• 0:51
  subscribe. And now that is separate from
• 0:53
  the Facebook group which you should also join because it's
• 0:56
  awesome and has a lot of people in it and a lot of people reach
• 0:59
  out to work with me on their sexual issues.
• 1:01
  I can't work with everybody so I have hired a sexologist.
• 1:04
  She's A therapist, but a clinical sexologist and she does
• 1:07
  coaching in any state or internationally.
• 1:10
  So reach out if you want to be scheduled with Heather.
• 1:14
  Okay, so anyway, the point the point I'm trying to make with
• 1:19
  this, that I could probably say it in one sentence, but you all
• 1:21
  seem to like to hear me talk. So the the point is you can't
• 1:25
  say that you love or respect your husband.
• 1:27
  When you do not acknowledge that, he's a sexual identity so
• 1:31
  the we're not talking about the people who are fighting between
• 1:33
  once a week sex and twice a week.
• 1:35
  Sex. I'm talking about the people who
• 1:36
  are lucky to get every six weeks sex you know or people who just
• 1:40
  don't have any sex or people that just don't have any kissing
• 1:43
  or don't have any touch. Basically what you're saying to
• 1:46
  your husband by him being in a sexless marriage but you say
• 1:48
  that you love and respect him and and there are women who do
• 1:51
  this, you know. So you would think if a woman
• 1:54
  doesn't have sex with her husband, doesn't she fucking
• 1:56
  hate him? Not always sometimes women just
• 1:59
  do not literally don't understand what it means that
• 2:02
  this is like a part of marriage. The The guys get married for the
• 2:07
  way that you express love. I've frequently made the
• 2:09
  analogy. Can you love a baby without
• 2:11
  touching it? No, you know what, you can't
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  love a man without touching him either or a higher libido woman
• 2:17
  or a physical touch, woman, or anybody, who likes touch, which
• 2:21
  is pretty much most people because there's kids.
• 2:26
  So there's Babies, there's toddlers.
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  All of them like touch to a greater or lesser degree, but
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  they need it really to survive. Then there's men, then there's
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  like, Single women monogamous with if you add up all these
• 2:37
  people it's a majority of humans need touch and really really
• 2:40
  want touch. But anyway so you can't say to
• 2:45
  your husband that you love and respect him but that he just
• 2:47
  shouldn't want sex. He should just live in a sexless
• 2:50
  marriage. Many men.
• 2:53
  The the main point of being alive is to give and receive
• 2:59
  affection with in a loving relationship for many people,
• 3:03
  you know, just like for many women the Point of your life is
• 3:06
  to raise kids. Well for many men, it's to have
• 3:09
  a loving relationship which includes physical touch.
• 3:12
  If you say that you love and respect your husband but he
• 3:14
  should just be in a sexless marriage.
• 3:16
  How do you love a respective? Basically you're saying I deny
• 3:20
  you the most basic human need for touch and you are like so
• 3:27
  kind of worthless. I know you're not saying it
• 3:29
  outright because now you're up in arms.
• 3:31
  But this is what the translation is, you are so either way,
• 3:34
  Worthless or low self-esteem or stupid, one of our any of these,
• 3:39
  you know, Pleasant things that you can't leave like you are
• 3:43
  either you drank the Kool-Aid. I have tried over the years to
• 3:46
  convince you that sex shouldn't matter and maybe now you believe
• 3:48
  it enough to stay, or you have such low self-esteem that you
• 3:52
  have to stay or you just are of no worth on The Dating Market.
• 3:57
  It would not be able to find anybody to have sex with you.
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  So you might as well stay. That's pretty much what it
• 4:02
  means. Because being in a sexy,
• 4:05
  Marriage is so bad. That the idea that a guy would
• 4:08
  stay in it. It can't say anything good about
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  him, you can't respect him and then think you can't be like,
• 4:15
  well there is a, you know, a very ambitious, go get them kind
• 4:19
  of man. That's very centered and
• 4:22
  confident and strong and gives up his basic most core need as a
• 4:28
  human being, because I don't like to like that.
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  Doesn't make any sense, it does not make any sense.
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  It would be like would you respect a female friend who
• 4:38
  stayed in an abusive relationship?
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  You might respect her in other ways, but you certainly would
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  not think that she had high self-esteem.
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  So in that way, you would think oh she's I feel bad for her.
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  She stays in an abusive relationship.
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  I feel terrible for her. But is she like, you know, does
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  she have self-worth to? She is, she healthy, is she
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  somebody that I look up to in this way?
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  No, definitely not. You feel bad?
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  Or her. She's making a bad decision.
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  She's putting herself underneath and the other person above and
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  she's not understanding that she could do better.
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  So, and, and if the answer is because many women think, but I
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  take care of the kids and I am good at cooking and I'm good at
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  cleaning, or maybe I don't do either of those things.
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  Some women in sexless marriages, don't do either of those either.
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  And it's really case-by-case and, you know, I have a good job
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  and I'm really pleasant person people.
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  Like me, I have friends. So you know what?
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  All that matters. It matters like pretty much like
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  that's 10% and then 90% is are you a loving wife and 90% of
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  that is are you affectionate? So no, it doesn't work like
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  that. It would be like if a guy is
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  like I'm such a good husband. I make a lot of money.
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  I'm very handsome. I work out all the time.
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  Everybody likes me. I make very good jokes.
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  Also I'm a fall down drunk. But you know what?
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  This is just one thing. It's just one trait that I
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  happen to have. I am drunk all the time,
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  basically, after 6 p.m., but I'm a very good catch before 6 p.m.
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  I'm awesome. No, is that a good catch?
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  You know, that's something that in it.
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  The races, all of the previous things that I said, it doesn't
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  matter anymore that he's handsome and in good shape and
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  makes a lot of money because he is an alcoholic, and that's a
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  major problem to any woman that has any self-esteem.
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  So it's the same exact thing, the sex was marriage thing,
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  right? And so women don't say this to
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  actually say to the man, I don't love or respect you and that's
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  why I'm making this podcast because many women it's like, oh
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  my god, really, that's how it seems.
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  Well shit, you know, it'll could be an eye-opener to think that
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  there's no amount of loving quote, unquote, loving Behavior.
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  You could do no amount of being thin or beautiful, whatever you
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  think you're supposed to look like or act like Or nice or or
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  you know, remembering birthdays or anything that makes up for
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  not being physically loving? It's just like, it doesn't
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  exist. It's like, can you be a good
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  caretaker for a baby without picking up the baby?
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  Can you figure out an appropriate way that you could
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  comfort? The baby with never picking up
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  the baby? No, you can't.
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  So it's really very similar and other things.
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  Other analogies. If women don't like the falling
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  down, drunk one is could. A man be a good husband if he
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  never smiled, never Smiles, you know, you never Smiles at you
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  ever, and, but he makes a lot of money and he is a can't be a
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  great dad if he doesn't smile. So, do you get rid of that one
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  only smiles with the kids? Let's say, okay, he smiles at
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  the kids. It was would be the equivalent
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  of the woman who cuddles the kids, but not the man he smiles
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  at the kids, but when he turns to you, the smile drops off his
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  face, he only looks at you with a frown.
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  Could that, man, I don't care. Is he like a neurosurgeon that
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  saves? Babies lives in the most, you
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  know, prestigious occupation that, you know, whatever.
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  Would he be a good husband? No, because a big part of being
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  a good husband, possibly 90%, for many women of being a good
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  husband is somebody who acts like they like you.
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  So, if he doesn't act like he likes you, it's not a good
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  husband. So then he is the estimable, you
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  know? Pediatric neurosurgeon.
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  That is your ex-husband, not your current husband because you
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  don't want to be with a man that every time he Looks at you, the
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  smile falls off his face. This doesn't even have to be an
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  analogy because in many sexless marriages, this is the situation
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  is the, when the woman looks at the man to smile does fall off
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  her face. In addition to that, she doesn't
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  have sex with him, but yet somehow she said she loves and
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  respects him. How?
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  Because a man who is not having sex and my friend dad, starting
• 8:54
  over actually says this a lot. This is the way that men measure
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  their worth as a human being. Am I having an intimate
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  relationship a loving intimate relationship with a woman?
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  That means I like, I feel like a man.
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  I feel good about myself. I have self-esteem, doesn't
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  matter how much money you have, what kind of car you drive or
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  how? You know, Jack, do you are as
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  much as are you an intimate loving sexual relationship with
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  a woman. And if you're not, then you feel
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  like shit. And so the point here really is
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  that if you are a woman who has said, but I do all these other
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  things and he just shouldn't need sex.
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  It's a non sequitur, you're not making any sense.
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  So instead something to say would be two, things would be
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  ethical to say one is I have understood.
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  Sex is very important to you since I love and respect you.
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  I want to work on my issues around sex.
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  I'm particularly my issues around being dismissive around
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  sex probably from being raised in a very sexy - home and sex -
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  culture alongside whatever. My own individual psychological
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  issues are. I've done many podcasts about
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  all these reasons, antidepressants depression,
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  anxiety, birth control, sexual, trauma.
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  Anything like really anything age menopause, perimenopause
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  nursing, whatever the case may be.
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  So you could either say that or you could say, when I really
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  think about it. I never want to have sex.
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  Again, that's not fair to you because you should go live your
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  life. So I want a divorce one of
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  those. One of those is ethical, if you
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  really cannot bring yourself in any way to be flexible around
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  this idea. And to try to work on having
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  physically loving relationship, then really You shouldn't be in
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  the relationship because it isn't fair to the person because
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  the person, the man, I mean this he's got to take ownership of
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  this tube, is putting his head in the sand and probably does
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  have terribly low self-esteem. Quite honestly to stay in this
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  kind of a situation. So if you really know 100% that
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  you would bake your life, that you will not have any more sex
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  with this person ever will never kiss them with an open mouth
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  again and like, literally like you you would stake a lot of
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  money. You will not be having regular
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  sex, even if there's a handful of sex times and your future
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  will never be regular again, then you owe it to yourself to
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  say to them. I cannot I refuse to and or
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  cannot for whatever reason, psychological or otherwise ever
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  be physically intimate again. So, ethically, you can now make
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  your decision. You know, you you are, you are a
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  worthy person. You would be able to have sex
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  with somebody else. You would be able to be in a
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  loving relationship with somebody else.
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  And this is to be said, if you Really feel like the situation
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  that we are talking about which is that you quote love and
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  respect your husband then of course, he should have a
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  relationship with somebody else. Now, there are some women that
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  do say and that they're more sexually, liberal, I don't want
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  to have sex with you but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.
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  That's not ethical. So we should have an open
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  marriage. Alright, that's another way to
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  deal with it. He can either say yes or no to
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  that, but at least he's got an option, but many guys, and now,
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  if you're the guy, you should be listening to see if this is you,
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  they put their head into the sand so far.
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  And they tell themselves that this is very temporary like a
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  woman's the last time you had sex or 2009, its temporary
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  though. She's been going through.
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  A lot of stretch should be going through stress for 14 years.
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  Give me a break, you know, I mean, it's that's not stress
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  anymore. That is a lifestyle.
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  So if your lifestyle is celibacy or very, very infrequent sex,
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  then you have to pull your head out of the sand and say, is this
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  what I want for the rest of my life?
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  And how does my low self-esteem? And probably growing up seeing a
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  father, dismissed and validated by the mother.
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  Sometimes the inverse doesn't always go exactly according to
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  gender lines. How does that influence?
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  How I think about things? Because many men feel that they
• 12:48
  just would never be able to get another partner and so they
• 12:52
  might as the devil they know is better than the devil, they
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  don't. And as I discussed again, with
• 12:56
  Dad starting over was coming up. Twice already in this podcast, I
• 12:59
  better tag him when it comes out.
• 13:02
  It's, it's not true. There, but there are, there are
• 13:06
  guys that think that it's true. So if you are staying in a
• 13:09
  situation where your needs are never met and it's endless that
• 13:12
  you have to work on yourself, but that she never works on this
• 13:15
  issue, then you know, that is due to low self-esteem
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  obviously. And if there is, there could be
• 13:21
  a million other variables going on but low self-esteem's water
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  before. Sure.
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  And so it, you know, it leads to some Deeper Self reflection
• 13:29
  hopefully on both sides of the people listening to this
• 13:32
  podcast, both the men and the women.
• 13:34
  If you really respect and admire your husband, then you think
• 13:38
  there's other women who would have sex with him.
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  And that, if he's not having sex with you, it leaves him very
• 13:43
  ripe to fall in love with somebody else.
• 13:45
  You could respect the shit out of him and think that he would
• 13:47
  never have an affair. He may never have an affair but
• 13:50
  what he may do, of course, as anybody would man or woman who
• 13:54
  is being systematically denied of affection, they will be
• 13:57
  susceptible to falling in love with somebody else unless they
• 14:02
  talk to literally no human. But that's not the situation.
• 14:06
  Thank God for most people and almost anybody gives more
• 14:10
  positive affection and affirmation and validation than
• 14:13
  somebody who doesn't even want to touch you.
• 14:15
  So what you're saying basically is I know I'm putting you at
• 14:19
  risk of falling in love with somebody else but I don't care
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  really, you know, because I don't want to do it.
• 14:24
  I don't want to do and it's the same same exact situation for my
• 14:28
  gender Warriors that come out and say, oh my God, you said
• 14:31
  something about men that you didn't say about women or the
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  inverse. Oh my God.
• 14:36
  It's the same thing as when a man refuses to be romantic to
• 14:39
  the woman. Of course, if a man, you know,
• 14:43
  at the grocery store says to her, boy, you look beautiful
• 14:46
  today. Of course, she's going to have
• 14:47
  an emotional fantasy about that man being her husband and how
• 14:51
  romantic that man would be, if he's at all attractive, you
• 14:54
  know? And so you're really by denying
• 14:58
  your spouse. What they need, you are putting
• 15:00
  them at risk of being unfaithful, even, just in their
• 15:05
  And just in their mind, is a gateway drug to everywhere else.
• 15:09
  Not in the case of like, because, of course, I talked
• 15:11
  about in bed, women have to think about whatever they want
• 15:13
  to think about and that's cool. Yeah, sure.
• 15:15
  Sexual fantasies are one thing. Emotional fantasies are very
• 15:19
  different, if you find yourself constantly, imagining being
• 15:23
  married to somebody else because you feel that, your husband is
• 15:26
  so cold or your wife is so cold or whatever that is very much,
• 15:30
  not a good situation, it's better to think, as you walk out
• 15:33
  of Starbucks about Having sex with the hot Barista, you know
• 15:37
  and that fantasy is over in 10 seconds then it is to have an
• 15:40
  ongoing fantasy about how the co-worker that is.
• 15:43
  So nice to you would be a nicer, more loving, more affectionate
• 15:47
  spouse than the one that you have.
• 15:48
  But people who are extremely lonely, are at extreme risk of
• 15:52
  emotional Affairs and emotional Affairs are worse than physical
• 15:55
  ones, it many times and of course they often turn physical
• 15:59
  anyways. So really it's an artificial
• 16:00
  dichotomy. So anyway that's my point, if
• 16:03
  you love your spouse. House and you want to keep them
• 16:06
  and you want to keep them happy if you respect them, then you
• 16:09
  understand that they have other options that are into you.
• 16:12
  If you don't love or respect them, then you should set them
• 16:15
  free. So that is pretty much the
• 16:17
  summary statement. And I hope that this was very
• 16:19
  useful and as I always try to be, and please do subscribe.
• 16:22
  And I will talk to you soon. Have a great day.