Latest / Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes / Friendship Stalls: How to Work Your Way From “Acquaintance” to “Friend”

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Friendship Stalls: How to Work Your Way From “Acquaintance” to “Friend” · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:02
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Hello, hello! Welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander, and each week we explore what's working and what's not in our friendships, community, and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what's really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real-life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections together.
• 0:49
  Podcast Intro/Outro: We're reimagining the rules of friendship.
• 0:58
  Alex Alexander: Today, I want to talk about a type of friendship frustration that I don't really see talked about that often.
• 1:05
  Alex Alexander: It's not about losing a friend.
• 1:05
  Alex Alexander: It's not about having a big fight or a falling out. It's not even about loneliness, exactly.
• 1:14
  Alex Alexander: It's really about when you are trying to make a new friend and you make that initial connection, but then suddenly it just kind of feels like it stalls in one state that's not quite somebody you would consider an actual friend, but you see them regularly. But how do we get from where we are to feeling like they are a friend, right? They're this person that has been on the edge of your life for months, maybe years, who you genuinely think could be a real friend. And yet nothing ever moves. Nothing changes. You keep having the same nice conversations. You see them at your mutual friend's holiday party at the school pickup line at your gym, and they're not somebody you were like regularly talking to that you know a bunch about each other's lives. This is the person that like you've had some good interactions. You know a little bit about them.
• 2:14
  Alex Alexander: You enjoy seeing them. You purposefully walk up to them when you see them in the same room, but outside of just kind of running into them, you don't have a lot of connection points.
• 2:26
  Alex Alexander: And you want to do something about it. You keep meaning to do something about it, but you don't, and that's not really a you problem. It's a problem societally, honestly, because we're missing a roadmap. Most people would categorize this person an acquaintance, but as you'll see a little later in the episode, I actually think you might be a little further along than that, but you're not really further along in the sense of you consider them a real friend, and that's where you want to be.
• 3:01
  Alex Alexander: And today, we're going to fix that. Most people assume that if a friendship isn't progressing, especially a new friendship, that something is wrong. It's just not meant to be. We have the wrong chemistry, wrong timing. They don't like me enough. I'm not an interesting enough person. But I would argue that quite often that's not really the real reason. The real reason is that nobody taught us what friendship actually requires to move forward. We just expect it to happen, and as adults, especially, that's quite often a a recipe for failure, because that expectation of it moving forward like it did when we were kids, most of us aren't taking as many risks as we did when we were kids. We aren't pushed together in classes and clubs and scenarios where we have to look awkward in gym class, soccer practice, failing math tests. Normally, we're buttoned up, right? We're putting our best foot forward.
• 4:04
  Alex Alexander: As much as I can tell you to let your guard down, I would bet most people are still showing up, trying to look like they have it together, and so that all hinders our ability for this kind of like natural progression of making friends. And then you add in the fact that as adults, we have a lot of other things competing for our attention, a lot of other responsibilities.
• 4:30
  Alex Alexander: So then this natural progression from, I met you, I really enjoy you. I love when I see you at school pickup, to, oh, look, I consider you. Like my real friend, doesn't really happen naturally, and so we either wait and nothing changes, or we make a really big move that kind of feels out of nowhere and feels quite honestly, pretty risky.
• 4:52
  Alex Alexander: This is you having met this person a couple times and saying, like, hey, I really enjoy you. I want to be your friend. Do you want to get together for coffee? I'm not saying don't do that. What I'm saying is a lot of people won't do that because it feels like a big risk. What if they don't feel the same way? What if they feel awkward being that forward is a little outside of societal norms. So if you aren't going to do that, or you haven't done it to date, how do we go about making friends in a little more gentle of a progression, and most people can't name the steps, which makes sense because you've never been given a map.
• 5:38
  Alex Alexander: You didn't really need a map because you were naturally in a more vulnerable risk taking place when you were younger. You were also together more you had more proximity. And so what I want to give you today is the map, and the first thing that the map requires is a new vocabulary, because the way most of us are labeling our friendships and our acquaintanceships and our relationships is actually part of what's keeping us stuck. Most people operate on a binary somebody either is your friend or is not your friend, and that's the problem we're running into here, right? This person?
• 6:19
  Alex Alexander: You're interested in being able to say they are my friend, but they aren't your friend yet, and most people would just classify this person as an acquaintance.
• 6:28
  Alex Alexander: There's two options, friend or acquaintance, that's it. And I actually think that's causing us a lot of damage, because it means anyone who isn't already a close friend gets lumped into one bucket. They get flattened, and there's really no roadmap of how to get from one bucket to another, and I think a lot of us, especially as adults, have forgotten that most of our close friends today, they didn't just jump from acquaintance to close friends. I know we think that, and they might have moved really quickly because we spent a lot of time together, but there was a journey there. There was a transition. I think it takes a little bit of remembering that.
• 7:16
  Alex Alexander: Now, one of my key frameworks, the one I talk about all the time, is my Wheel of Connection framework. If you have never heard of that before, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, I would actually suggest that you pause this episode right here, and you go back and you listen to Episode 12, because I'm going to talk about some different types of friends, but I'm not going to spend the time to really give you all the definitions that I do in Episode 12. If you are still here, you have probably listened to my Wheel of Connection episode maybe multiple times. And you know that I believe we have multiple I guess levels or stopping points is maybe a better way that I would like to put it, stopping points for friendship between acquaintance and what I like to call present friends, which are the people that you firmly feel like are your friends. So we have acquaintance, then we have what I call a familiar friend, which is not the same as an acquaintance, a defined friend.
• 8:23
  Alex Alexander: Then we have a present friend and a historic friend. That's a lot of different markers on our friendship journey in comparison to just acquaintance friend. And I think that's where we get lost, is that there's actually a lot happening in there, but we don't have language for that. It is very important to know that a familiar friend is not an acquaintance. I really struggled with this when I came up with my framework, because I really wanted to simplify the framework and merge these together, but what I realized is that would be doing such a disservice. I'm gonna tell you why. I want you to imagine you go to a party, you walk in that room and you are not really expecting to know anyone there. So you walk inside you mentally have prepared done all your... ya know, people tell me that they imagine little Alex, like, what would I tell you before you walk into a party? So you've done all your mental prep work. I've given you some sort of pep talk. You've listened to an episode, and you go into this party now, as you get introduced to people, people you've never met before, those are just now acquaintances.
• 9:41
  Alex Alexander: They're people whose name you know, but you really don't necessarily know anything about them other than they are part of the same company, or they're friends with your same mutual friend, whatever the reason is that you're at that party, that's it. That's all you know.
• 10:02
  Alex Alexander: But let's say in the very far back corner of this party that your friend is throwing for their birthday. We'll just use that as an example. You notice two people standing there, and not only do you know their names because you've met them before, but you actually know some things about them, and you met them before, you enjoy them. You know that you're going to have an enjoyable conversation with these people. They are Ronnie and Esther. You know that they went to college with your friend whose birthday it is. You have talked to them before at a few parties. You always have such a fun time. You know that Ronnie is really into drawing, and you've connected about that before. You've asked Ronnie all about his drawings, how he's trying to sell them, the ones that he does just for his own personal passion of art. You can actually talk about some facts about Ronnie and Esther. And they see you, they light up.
• 11:06
  Alex Alexander: Everybody's excited to see each other. And now suddenly this room that before felt we were pretty anxious about walking into it, you're like, oh, okay, well, at least I know two people. I actually had this happen to me recently. Now that I'm telling you this story, I'm realizing I actually had a real life example, I met a woman, Irina, at a networking event. I have met her I don't know four or five times. I know her name is Irina. I don't know her last name. I know she lives about 30 minutes away from me. I know what city she lives in, I know what her profession is, and we've had some nice conversations. That's about it.
• 11:48
  Alex Alexander: I went to a networking event where I expected to know no one.
• 11:52
  Alex Alexander: I walked in kind of late.
• 11:56
  Alex Alexander: Everybody was in a circle doing, like, an exercise, being led by a speaker. I thought it was just a straight networking event. I didn't realize we had an exercise. Otherwise I would have showed up earlier, but I walked in, I got my name badge, I'm, like, mentally preparing to talk to somebody, and I turn and Irina is right there. And immediately I'm like, wait, I know somebody here in a room where everybody is a stranger. I do know one person, and she's not my closest friend at all, but I've enjoyed every conversation I've ever had with her. I know she's going to recognize me. I know she's going to know where I'm from. She's gonna know some details about me, and we're gonna have a nice conversation that is a familiar friend that is very different than all the people I just randomly met in that room that night, who were just acquaintances. They're just kind of like faces in the crowd. Do you see why a familiar friend is different than an acquaintance?
• 14:11
  Alex Alexander: Because I think a lot of people would just call this person an acquaintance, and I think it does a disservice, because you're actually further along than you think you are now, Irina and I don't really have any way to stay in touch, necessarily, like I don't have her phone number, I don't have her email address, I guess we are in a Slack networking community together so I could find her there, but it's not like I'm messaging her all the time. The only reason I would see her is because I go to a networking event where I know she will be there, but when I walk into that room, she is a familiar face that makes me feel more comfortable like I am not alone. The reason moving from acquaintance to friend like they are my friend, I hold that belief feels hard is because it is a big jump. There are multiple layers of connection in my mind between that. Now this is where I am going to give you another. Episode, which is actually I'm now realizing I misquoted earlier. It's all linked in the show notes. It's fine, the Wheel of Connection.
• 15:22
  Alex Alexander: Episode is Episode 100, Episode 12 is my Roots of Connection framework. If you have not listened to that episode, I would suggest pausing and going to listen to that episode, because I'm going to talk about the roots, but in a pretty simple way. So if you want the more in depth version, go listen to Episode 12. These two frameworks are interconnected.
• 15:46
  Alex Alexander: One describes the other. One shows the results like they go hand in hand, and the Roots of Connection is a way to look at a relationship and be able to analyze it, to understand what is holding it together, and also where to put your energy so that you can build more roots, to build a stronger friendship.
• 16:08
  Alex Alexander: There's a whole metaphor in the book. Go check out the show notes about telling you all about the status of the book, or if it's out yet when you're listening to this episode. But the more roots you have, the stronger your relationship is.
• 16:24
  Alex Alexander: And if somebody is your familiar friend, they are that person that you run into at school pickup, they are that person you always say hi to after your yoga class. They are me and Irina.
• 16:38
  Alex Alexander: Your familiar friendship is being held together by very few roots. So let's just use this as an example to examine the roots that are holding together the connection that I have. The first type of root, I'm going to be very brief here, are shared experience roots. These are the ways you spend time together, and the built in reasons you're in the same place, the shared experiences and shared interests that you have. So in the case of me and Irina, we are a part of one networking group together. I know that we are also both neurodivergent. We've talked about that. That's something that is easy for me to bring up in conversation, because we have discussed it. We are both entrepreneurs. We both create content on the internet. I could bring that up. I know that about her. When I ran into her at this networking event where I didn't expect to see her, I learned that she goes to a lot of networking events, and quite frankly, that would be a really easy way for me to connect more with her, which I will talk about in the next step would be to invite her to another networking event, because I know, because she has told me that that is something she is interested in. The next one is emotional intimacy roots. So these are the small details you know about each other, the memories you have together, the inside moments that accumulate over time, your shared or overlapping history, so maybe things that you've never done together, but you you know like you both went to the same high school, but at different times.
• 18:24
  Alex Alexander: You both grew up in the same town, but you didn't know each other. You went to the same college. You both played soccer in the past, where you can like reference things about that topic, even though you didn't experience it together, and you both have some familiarity. So in the case of me and Irina, I've already mentioned a few things, right? I know some small details about her. I know where she lives, I know what she does for work. I know that she's neurodivergent. We can talk about that. I know she had a launch recently for her business. I know that she is actively trying to network and make new connections in the city of Seattle. This is all information that I can tap into when it comes to the next kind of roots, which are our story roots? These are our beliefs, right? The stories we tell each other about our friendship. Now, when you have a familiar friend, you're not going to have very many story roots. Like I don't have very strong beliefs about my connection to Irina, we just know each other, and that's very normal. But what you want to do is build beliefs, even if they're simple beliefs, right?
• 19:44
  Alex Alexander: When you get to that present friend level, like the level that most people want, you're going to have a lot of beliefs, like, if I think about some of my closest friends, right? I believe they care deeply about me. They love me. They would show up for me in an emergency.
• 20:01
  Alex Alexander: They would answer my phone call.
• 20:06
  Alex Alexander: They want to see me. They want to talk to me. They want to hear about my life. They want to celebrate me. These are all beliefs I have. With my familiar friends, I don't have that many beliefs, but that doesn't mean I can't build them over time, and that's part of what is going to bring us closer. So the key point to drive home here is that those familiar friends that are kind of stalled out, the main type of root that you have with them is going to be shared experience roots, and that could be, you have a mutual friend.
• 20:40
  Alex Alexander: Your kids go. Both go to the same school. You both go to the same yoga class. In my case, I'm a part of the same networking group as this woman. There's not a lot there. But over the gosh, I think three or four interactions I've had, I have picked up some of those emotional intimacy roots, the details I know about her now, quite frankly, I don't really have a lot of memories. Nothing we've done has been particularly memorable. We've just had a couple quick, like, five minute, 10 minute conversations I haven't accumulated inside moments. I don't know of any shared or overlapping history that we have. So really, we have our shared experience slash interest, and we have the small details I've collected. That's about all we've got without working to build more emotional intimacy, roots, story, roots, shared experience, roots, repeat without working to build more roots, the friendship literally cannot deepen. You will just keep circulating around the same things you already know and the same ways you're already connected, not because you're doing anything wrong, but because you really haven't had the chance to build more roots yet. You're just repeating the same patterns, like the roots you have, they're built. That's it like, if I just keep going to this networking group with Irina. I know we're in the networking group that root solid, but it's not adding any more roots to make us feel more stable. There's this example in the book that I really, really love, and I'm going to do a very short version, like a compressed version of it here, because I do think when you hear this, for most people, it drives it home.
• 22:35
  Alex Alexander: I want you to imagine that you met a friend, Ronnie, in algebra class. You're in high school, and you go to sit down in your desk, and the person in front of you turns around, introduces themselves, Hi, I'm Ronnie.
• 22:52
  Alex Alexander: You're in the same class, and over the first you know, couple weeks, you don't really have anything else that you know other than Ronnie sits in front of you in algebra class and raises his hand a lot. As time goes on, you start to learn that Ronnie actually doesn't seem like algebra is really his thing. He seems like he asks a lot of questions and he's struggling, but that's just an observation you've never asked Ronnie, and after a little while, you get paired together.
• 23:25
  Alex Alexander: Maybe a couple weeks in, you're now partners on a project, checking each other's work. I don't know whatever you're doing, and this is really your first time to chat with each other. And you learn that Ronnie is, in fact, struggling, you know, maybe got a D on his last test, just really didn't understand the concept. That is a new, small detail you know about each other. You're sitting there and you're chatting, you learn that Ronnie is also trying out for the soccer team. You're trying out for the soccer team.
• 23:59
  Alex Alexander: So is Ronnie. So you both try out for the soccer team, and that gives you a lot more time to spend together. So now you have math class and soccer practice, and you're picking up more details that you know about each other. You learn that Ronnie likes the color blue, they like chocolate chip cookies. They're gonna take their driver's test soon, and they're really nervous about it.
• 24:28
  Alex Alexander: They keep failing at parallel parking, and they think they're gonna fail their tests. They're really anxious about it. You make memories together as you win the game and you celebrate.
• 24:41
  Alex Alexander: You have that memory of like jumping into each other's arms and being so excited about the goal that you made, and Ronnie is there for you. And slowly, over time, you start to develop this belief like, wow, Ronnie and I know each other. We care about each other. Let's say it's Ronnie's birthday and you show up with chocolate chip cookies and blue balloons, right? You are acting in a way that shows I know you. I care about you. I think of you, and all the while you're having more experiences because you're at soccer practice together all the time.
• 25:20
  Alex Alexander: Ronnie's mom comes to pick him up one day and says, you know, oh, you should come over to the house sometime to do homework or to hang out. So you do, you go over there. And you learn what the inside of Ronnie's house looks like. And you learn that he says that his mom is pretty strict, but you think he's being dramatic, because now you're there, you develop a relationship with his parents, with his siblings. You know what kind of snacks he keeps in his house. You feel more comfortable in his house now, and it just keeps going now that you're in his house and you are building memories of like sleepovers or weekend trips with his family, the overall pattern is you get to know someone, you spend time together, you learn details, make memories, find overlapping, shared history, share big and small intimacies with each other, and then you act in ways that confirm your beliefs about each other. Normally, using your small intimacy is like they're sorry...Your emotional intimacy roots the things you know about each other, to show up and reconfirm those beliefs, to provide evidence that, like we know each other, and that makes you feel more comfortable, more confident, which makes it easier to invite each other into new, shared experiences and interests, because you're already so connected in so many ways. What's another way? Now it's a very compressed version of something that is much longer in the book, but I hope that it shows you that there really are, like, little risks and concrete moves that you can make. So what are some of the steps you can take now, I'm going to give you these, and I would suggest, kind of going in order, don't skip them. Sometimes, there's caveat.
• 27:16
  Alex Alexander: Sometimes, I do think you can meet a friend who is willing to kind of just jump in with you. I have this friend, Sarah, and I joke she's like, the easiest friend I've ever made, because I think we skipped forward. You can do that, but the risk you run is if you go too fast, too hard, and the other person is not on the same page, like they haven't just decided we're going to be friends now too. They don't have those beliefs, it could feel like that weird, like we've pushed forward too hard.
• 27:51
  Alex Alexander: So if you want to just kind of naturally progress, like most people do, here are my suggestions. Step one, build a new shared experience. Root.
• 28:03
  Alex Alexander: Remember how I talked about how the networking event that I have with Irina, like it's set we see each other there once or twice a month. The goal would be to feel more connected and comfortable in more ways. We are already comfortable seeing each other at this networking event, but if we ran into each other out at dinner, there would kind of maybe be this moment right where I'd be like, Oh, do I walk up to her table and say hi? Like, we've all done that. Like, do I just pretend I didn't see her here? That is an example of like, we are not comfortable connecting in other experiences, yet we are not sure that that is okay, versus one of my closest friends, if they're in the restaurant, we walk in like, I'm gonna go pull up a chair. I'm not even gonna ask right? But we didn't just jump there. There was a progression. So the first move is almost always to create a new reason to spend time together, ideally one that is low pressure and adjacent to how you already know each other. So here are some examples. If this is somebody who is in your running group, it is very easy, but kind of a little bit of a stretch simultaneously to be like, Hey, I'm gonna go run on Saturday. Do you want to join me? Right? Like, it would be just the two of us, but you're probably going to run. I'm probably going to run. Do you want to join me on this new root? It's already a way you're used to connecting because you're in the run group already doing runs together, but it's just a little bit of a push outside your normal that's what we're looking for here. That's gonna be the easiest way. If it's a work familiar friend, you could be like, Hey, I'm gonna go grab coffee at 10am Do you want to join? And now you're kind of wandering out of the building.
• 30:03
  Alex Alexander: You're chatting about things, about life. Maybe you are talking about work the entire time, but you don't normally go off one by one. That's what's new. Maybe this is another parent that you see at the park, or this is somebody you see at the dog park doesn't really.
• 30:24
  Alex Alexander: Matter, you run into them all the time. You end up chatting.
• 30:28
  Alex Alexander: You know each other's kids or dogs. You're familiar, like you go to the same place, but you really don't know much else about them, and you definitely don't have their phone number.
• 30:41
  Alex Alexander: Maybe get their phone number and be like, Hey, we seem to end up here at the same time. But what if we actually exchanged numbers and then just messaged if one of us were going to go and the other person could show up if they were able. That's what I like to call just like a no pressure, low stakes text thread. You could start one of those. The key here is that you want it to feel like a natural extension of how you already know each other. If you normally just chatted up with each other after spin class, you can invite them to go to dinner, but it might feel like a big jump, so a natural progression would be just asking if they want to go get coffee or get lunch like right after class. The next step is to start collecting emotional intimacy roots on purpose. This is where a lot of people stall.
• 31:37
  Alex Alexander: They wait for really deep conversations to happen naturally, instead of actively noticing and remembering really small things. So remember when I was talking earlier about how Ronnie likes blue and likes chocolate chip cookies? I think as adults, we are so trained to look for, you know, like this deep, intimate sharing, where I tell you all my biggest life traumas, and I know that I tell you my biggest life trauma, you can go listen to it, Episode 19, like we do that most people aren't just dropping their life story on the internet. Okay, most people let people in really small, subtle ways, and sometimes it's not even their biggest life trauma. We all have things that we feel a little tender about letting each other in on into small ways. So what this actually looks like could be asking one question beyond small talk and actually listening to the answer. So when somebody says, like, Oh, I'm really busy this weekend and I just can't wait for it to be Monday, honestly, because this weekend's just be rough. You could be like, tell me more about that, and then listen to their answer. You don't need to give them advice. You don't need to whatever. Just be curious.
• 32:58
  Alex Alexander: And they may not give you the full breakdown. They may not give you the answer they will give to their like longest, oldest friend, but it's a starting point. And then remember something they mentioned last time and bring it up. So maybe they mentioned that they are new to town, and they're having a really hard time finding kind of all those normal services, like a dentist and a doctor and a hair stylist.
• 33:26
  Alex Alexander: You could be like, Hey, did you ever find a hairstylist? How's that going for you? What are some things you're looking for?
• 33:35
  Alex Alexander: Like, even if I don't know somebody, I could, like, ask around to my other friends and see if anybody has a recommendation. Another thing you can do is share a small thing about yourself. This does not need to be your deepest secret. It could just be a real thing. Could be, when they ask you, How was your week, instead of like, Oh, it's fine, you're just like, well, you know, it was actually a really hard week.
• 34:04
  Alex Alexander: And I'm really happy it's Friday. I think next week will be better, though. You know, at least I'm hoping so. If you want to share more, okay, but it could just be simply being honest. Another one could be noticing patterns. They always order the same thing when you grab coffee. They always ask about your partner. They light up when they talk about their garden. The point is not to interrogate someone. You're just paying attention. And in the moments where it feels natural, you are showing that you paid attention. Step three, act on what you know. This is the beginning steps to building your story roots. This is the move that actually starts to shift your relationship. You're going to take something that you notice and do something with it.
• 34:59
  Alex Alexander: So an example is you remember a couple times ago that they mentioned that they were looking for a good Italian restaurant for when their in laws come into town in a couple months, maybe you went to a good Italian restaurant. You really thought it was a great one. They had great seating for a group, and so that no pressure dog park text thread you have, you're going to pull their number off of it, or maybe it's just them, and you're just going to remember, be like, hey, totally random. But I went to this Italian restaurant last night, and I remember you saying you were looking for one to celebrate your in laws birthday.
• 35:40
  Alex Alexander: It's this one, and I think it'd be really great that could be it maybe they mentioned that they have a big presentation and you check in afterwards, whether that's in person the next time you see them, or it could be a text message. Maybe you know that they're. Birthday is coming up and you say something, or maybe you bring them something.
• 36:06
  Alex Alexander: If this is the person you've been seeing at the dog park every day for the for the last six months, it wouldn't be that weird to maybe show up with the coffee they normally bring when they come to the dog park, because you notice that and you're just like, Hey, happy birthday. How's your day going?
• 36:27
  Alex Alexander: These don't have to be huge gestures. The point is that you saw this person, you remembered something about them, and you acted on it. That is how we build connection points. The other big gesture doesn't have to be pushing yourself so far outside your comfort zone by suggesting something that feels like a leap, suggest an activity or connection point that is just a couple degrees outside your comfort zone of how you normally connect when you do this, when you put yourself out there, when you remember, when you initiate just something slightly different, you start to create a belief with this person, right?
• 37:10
  Alex Alexander: This person actually pays attention to me. This person seems to want to hang out with me. Maybe we're not sure. It's like, oh, this person always wants to be around me. Like we may not have the strongest belief, but you have, you have a little baby belief there, and that is what grows into a bigger belief. That is what moves someone from a familiar friend to a defined or present friend.
• 37:35
  Alex Alexander: Now, there are a couple obstacles that people hit, and I just want to name them so that you don't feel like you're doing something wrong. The first one is this capacity trap. Let's call it. Sometimes you're doing everything right. You're making those small asks. You're noticing the small things, and the other person just doesn't seem to be doing the same thing.
• 38:01
  Alex Alexander: This is where I want to remind you that not everyone has the intention of adding connection to their life. They're just not as open. I would love for everybody to be as open, but we societally, that is not the norm. If this person doesn't have the bandwidth right now, that's not failure. That's just life. We have to take risks, we have to try, but you don't have to keep pushing. Maybe just allow it to exist in the way that it always has, right? You always run into each other at the gym or after school pickup or the dog park, and maybe down the road at a later point when life is a little less crazy, or this is their intention, you can pick back up. People can stay familiar friends forever. But I do understand the heartbreak of feeling like this person could be a better friend, a closer friend, and it doesn't seem like on their end, they're interested in progressing. That's a bummer.
• 39:05
  Alex Alexander: I get that the next one is the over promising trap. When you want to grow a connection, it can be easy to get a little overzealous, to see this person at the dog park and be like, we should get dinner, and then never follow through. Now I think that's different in that Irina, example, I had earlier, we actually had this moment the last time we connected, where she was talking about how she loves going to concerts. And I was, oh, what kind of concerts?
• 39:35
  Alex Alexander: And she mentioned a couple bands. I was like, oh, you know, like, I would go to maybe that one or that one, like, are they coming to town? And one of them is coming to town. And honestly, why not? But it's not like I said, Oh, we should start going to concerts together. But we did kind of discuss this thing where, if I wanted to down the line, take a little bit bigger of a leap, I could say, like, hey, that concert is coming to town. Do you want to go? But don't say we must go to concerts together unless you really are going to follow up. Don't over promise. This similarly goes with if you are talking to someone and they're saying, like, oh, I moved to town. I need a dentist and a doctor and a hair stylist and whatever.
• 40:26
  Alex Alexander: Don't be like, Oh, I can send you the names of everyone, unless you really are going to follow up with the names of the people you go to, it's better to just pick one small thing to follow up on or to connect about than to actually promise some big gesture that never happens.
• 40:48
  Alex Alexander: The next obstacle is people who want to skip steps. Now this is when I was talking about my friend Sarah earlier. Sometimes I do think two people just kind of click, and they have enough mutual trust for some reason or another that you just kind of know you're going to be friends, and you develop a belief that honestly has no evidence to back it up, but you move forward. It as if it exists. That's not the norm, though. So trying to go from familiar friend to close friend in one big leap almost always backfires. Trust the slow build, appreciate the small wins and little moments that you share together. And finally, the other obstacle is just assuming that if you put this energy in, every single person will become a close friend. That's not the case, and that's okay. Some people are meant to be familiar friends forever, and familiar friends have value. It is valuable to walk into that party or that networking event or that dog park and see someone you know, see someone you're genuinely excited to talk to while you're there that's valuable. We do not need to push every connection to the next level. So that brings me back to what I talked about in the very beginning, which is that if you want to make some closer friends, if you have these people who feel like they've kind of stalled out. You're actually probably closer than you think, because a lot of us are telling ourselves like, well, they're just an acquaintance, and we're not seeing all the little steps and roots that are being built that are connecting us to get us to that closer friendship. And if you can start to appreciate this moment where you're like, wow, Irina and I collected a few new roots this week that makes you feel like you're you're making some progress, which then makes you more interested in continuing to try and invest and take small risks. The problem isn't that you are like, never putting yourself out there. It's that you weren't appreciating the really small steps in the middle, and quite frankly, you didn't have a map for what steps to take that are drawing you closer together. But now you do this would be a great time to go back and listen to Episode 12 and Episode 100 if you need a refresher on my frameworks, and if you want to go deeper into this, like all in, then you really should pick up my book.
• 43:30
  Alex Alexander: Are We Friends Yet? Which drops on June 16. I have multiple chapters like the vast majority of the book is how to progress your friendships and relationships to different levels and points. It's a roadmap for exactly that. So with that, we'll see you next week.
• 43:48
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you, but don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message — I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram; my handle is @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now, if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting, and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye— I'll be back with a new episode next week.