Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 171.🎄Unboxing the Real You: Why Playing “Nice” Lands You on the Naughty List

Transcript

171.🎄Unboxing the Real You: Why Playing “Nice” Lands You on the Naughty List · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Appologie production.
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Speaker 2: She Rises Twelve Days of Christmas.
0:16
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, welcome back to She Rises and welcome to
0:19
Speaker 1: Twelve Days of Christmas with Tiana and Ashley.
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Speaker 2: We are so excited to have you join us over
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Speaker 2: the next twelve days because this is your twelve day
0:26
Speaker 2: glow up before Christmas.
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Speaker 1: Yes, and each episode is going to go no longer
0:30
Speaker 1: than around twenty minutes, so they kind of bite size
0:32
Speaker 1: self development chunks where you get to learn from us,
0:35
Speaker 1: feel empowered. And our goal for this towards the end
0:38
Speaker 1: is for you to be the most authentic you. No
0:40
Speaker 1: more people pleasing, no more overgiving, just being yourself.
0:44
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and little disclaimer, these episodes are going to be
0:47
Speaker 2: slightly triggering, so come in with an open mind and
0:50
Speaker 2: a willingness to take accountability and to grow, because we're
0:52
Speaker 2: really going.
0:53
Speaker 1: To call you forward in these episodes. Definitely, some of
0:55
Speaker 1: the stuff that we're saying you might be like, ooh
0:57
Speaker 1: doesn't feel good or like you said, a little bit triggering,
0:59
Speaker 1: but we want you to take radical responsibility and have
1:01
Speaker 1: the self awareness as to how you're showing up and
1:03
Speaker 1: how you present yourself, because if you're not being your
1:06
Speaker 1: authentic self, it's really going to drain you, especially over
1:08
Speaker 1: the Christmas holiday when there's so much more family around
1:10
Speaker 1: that everyone's needing you, and it's just this. They say
1:12
Speaker 1: silly season. I say busy season. So today we're getting
1:16
Speaker 1: stuck into it and it's all around people pleasing. Like
1:18
Speaker 1: the title of this episode is unboxing the real You
1:22
Speaker 1: while playing nice land you on the Naughty List.
1:24
Speaker 2: And as you can tell, it's a little bit cheeky.
1:26
Speaker 2: So bring that Christmas spirit whilst you're also listening to
1:29
Speaker 2: these episodes, have fun with it, come in with an
1:31
Speaker 2: open mind and let's get started.
1:32
Speaker 1: Variety. So people pleasing. We are all guilty of this.
1:35
Speaker 1: I think as a society, as little girls, our generation,
1:38
Speaker 1: we've grown up to please everyone, put everyone else first,
1:41
Speaker 1: make sure you're always helping, you're always of service. So
1:44
Speaker 1: as we do that, along the way, we've really learned
1:46
Speaker 1: to abandon ourselves, not listening to our gut, not know
1:49
Speaker 1: how to say no. We feel guilty if we put
1:51
Speaker 1: ourselves first, and we're all trying to unlearn that, and
1:55
Speaker 1: it's really uncomfortable. We've even had situations lately we've had
1:57
Speaker 1: to have hard conversations with other people and put boundaries
2:00
Speaker 1: in place. And it's interesting when we do that, we
2:03
Speaker 1: question ourselves because it feels so uncomfortable because we love
2:06
Speaker 1: the people around us. When you put something in place,
2:08
Speaker 1: it's like, I don't want to upset them. It's almost
2:10
Speaker 1: easier to just say yes to them and know to yourself,
2:13
Speaker 1: because it's easy to hold the pain on yourself than
2:16
Speaker 1: it is to inflict upset on someone you care aboutely,
2:19
Speaker 1: But it's something we really need to practice, and over
2:21
Speaker 1: the silly season, in the Christmas season, and not even that,
2:24
Speaker 1: we're going to give examples that aren't just Christmas related
2:26
Speaker 1: of when we have overgiven and people please and not
2:29
Speaker 1: had boundaries and systems in place and not honored what
2:32
Speaker 1: felt true to us and then the repercussions of that
2:35
Speaker 1: and what happens after that.
2:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, And you know what, it is really tough,
2:38
Speaker 2: Like what you're mentioning, we care so much about belonging
2:40
Speaker 2: and we care too much about connection that it is
2:43
Speaker 2: like our number one value for the most part for
2:45
Speaker 2: most people. And so when something comes in and potentially
2:48
Speaker 2: could disrupt that, well like absolutely not am I going
2:50
Speaker 2: to do that?
2:51
Speaker 1: And why would I do that?
2:52
Speaker 2: Why would I put myself at risk of losing somebody
2:54
Speaker 2: that I care about so much simply because I wanted
2:57
Speaker 2: to say how I felt, or simply because I wanted
3:00
Speaker 2: to share an opinion that they might not agree with.
3:02
Speaker 2: And so there is a time in my life where
3:04
Speaker 2: I had a really really good friend of mine. She
3:06
Speaker 2: was my best friend, and we were so so close
3:08
Speaker 2: and we created a really really beautiful bond. But at
3:11
Speaker 2: that time in my life, I wasn't somebody who could
3:13
Speaker 2: stand true in what it was that I needed. And
3:15
Speaker 2: so this is how me being nice ended me up
3:18
Speaker 2: on the naughty list because I ended up being the passive, aggressive.
3:22
Speaker 1: Friend came out in another way.
3:24
Speaker 2: I came out yeah, because I was always the easy
3:26
Speaker 2: going girl. I would go with the flow. I never
3:28
Speaker 2: had an opinion of my own, even when it came
3:30
Speaker 2: to things like what we would get to eat, like
3:32
Speaker 2: it was just the little things that built up over time.
3:35
Speaker 2: And so because in those little moments and also my
3:38
Speaker 2: whole life, I spent my whole life growing up like
3:41
Speaker 2: abandoning what it was that I needed and always putting
3:44
Speaker 2: everyone else first, I built up all of this resentment
3:47
Speaker 2: and I was just like angry inside. You know. It
3:50
Speaker 2: was like I never get to have what I want
3:52
Speaker 2: and I don't get to have my needs, and.
3:53
Speaker 1: Da da da, no one's listening to me. That's right.
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Speaker 2: But it was also because I wasn't choosing to show
3:58
Speaker 2: up at the moment, because I was terrified of abandonment.
4:00
Speaker 2: So yes, whilst my angle was valid and all those things,
4:03
Speaker 2: it was actually because I wasn't being true to who
4:05
Speaker 2: I was. I wasn't taking up space, I wasn't putting
4:08
Speaker 2: myself out there, I wasn't speaking my opinions, and I
4:11
Speaker 2: was so terrified that I was going to get a
4:13
Speaker 2: backlash that was simply just a fear and a projection
4:15
Speaker 2: really that I stopped myself from showing up in a
4:18
Speaker 2: way that I was actually a really really good friend.
4:20
Speaker 2: And so that passive aggressiveness like leaked out onto my
4:23
Speaker 2: friend and then it created cracks in the relationship that
4:26
Speaker 2: we're no longer friends anymore, but so much so that
4:29
Speaker 2: I wasn't authentically showing up as myself in that dynamic.
4:32
Speaker 1: Over time, it really built up. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting
4:35
Speaker 1: too because I hear in that too, there's like the
4:37
Speaker 1: anxious attachment. We're spoken about this that when we speak
4:40
Speaker 1: our voice and maybe put a boundary in place. We're
4:43
Speaker 1: so scared they're going to leave or be upset. I
4:45
Speaker 1: don't know about you, but I've had evidence of that
4:47
Speaker 1: being real when I've used my voice. So I've brought
4:49
Speaker 1: something up or whether it's around money or it's around
4:53
Speaker 1: expectations or something, and they haven't been able to hold me.
4:55
Speaker 1: It makes me go, oh, that's confirmation. I can't use
4:57
Speaker 1: my voice.
4:58
Speaker 2: Yeah.
4:58
Speaker 1: If I do, they're leaving. Yeah. So it's only the
5:00
Speaker 1: last couple of years and through safer relationships and being
5:02
Speaker 1: around the right people. Because at the end of the day,
5:05
Speaker 1: if you are around the right people, you could say
5:07
Speaker 1: anything how you feel. Boundaries in place, and the right
5:09
Speaker 1: people are going to love and respect you for that.
5:11
Speaker 1: Even if they feel uncomfortable trigger in the moment, you
5:13
Speaker 1: know they're still going to love you and they're going
5:14
Speaker 1: to leave you for that. Yes, but it's really scary.
5:16
Speaker 1: It is so scary. Mine's more around in the workplace.
5:19
Speaker 1: And this is a really honest conversation I've had with
5:21
Speaker 1: Tiana when we went into business. It's like things that
5:23
Speaker 1: I do and don't want to do. I'm ten years
5:25
Speaker 1: older than Tiana and I've been in business for a
5:27
Speaker 1: very long time, and along the way, I've learned that
5:29
Speaker 1: I really don't enjoy managing a team. I don't like
5:32
Speaker 1: being the main point of contact. Steve is amazing at it.
5:36
Speaker 1: He is a fantastic leader the way he manages everything.
5:39
Speaker 1: I'm two people pleasy, and when I'm anxious to I
5:42
Speaker 1: go into that faun response of over pleasing. And I
5:44
Speaker 1: just really wanted to always be the cool boss and
5:47
Speaker 1: the fun boss and the flexible boss, because the bosses
5:50
Speaker 1: I had always shit, and I was like, if I
5:51
Speaker 1: ever be a boss, I never being like that. I've
5:53
Speaker 1: got kids, so I get that's hard with kids. I
5:55
Speaker 1: want to be flexible, like live your best life, and
5:58
Speaker 1: I want them to go home to their friends and
5:59
Speaker 1: families say, oh my gosh, I have the coolest workplace,
6:01
Speaker 1: I have the coolest boss, Like it's really so fun.
6:04
Speaker 1: We got to do all this cool shit. But what
6:05
Speaker 1: I learned in my last business was having no boundaries
6:09
Speaker 1: and trying to be their friend. It almost made them
6:12
Speaker 1: lose a bit of respect for me. So then when
6:14
Speaker 1: I did have to put a boundary in place, it
6:16
Speaker 1: wasn't received very well and it was kind of like, oh,
6:18
Speaker 1: what the fuck, Like what do you mean you're putting
6:20
Speaker 1: that in place now? It was I would have things
6:22
Speaker 1: that I assumed they would know that wasn't the right
6:24
Speaker 1: thing to do. You can never assume. It's the opposite
6:26
Speaker 1: of communication. And they would do something and I'd be like,
6:28
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, like I've got to bring this up,
6:30
Speaker 1: like why are you doing that? Like that's not allowed here,
6:31
Speaker 1: and they're like, well, what do you mean. You've always
6:33
Speaker 1: been crazy with everything. Why would you get upset about that.
6:35
Speaker 1: This isn't even a big deal. Yeah, And then I
6:37
Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh, And there was just yeah,
6:39
Speaker 1: situations where work relationships broke down, and I take full
6:42
Speaker 1: responsibility because I didn't know how to put boundaries in place.
6:44
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to be stern, I didn't know
6:46
Speaker 1: how to use my voice, and then when I tried
6:48
Speaker 1: it wasn't received very well. And maybe I wasn't the
6:50
Speaker 1: best at communicating either. So it's not that I want
6:53
Speaker 1: to avoid it in future. Of course, I can grow,
6:55
Speaker 1: but I really just don't think it's a strong point.
6:56
Speaker 1: And when you're scaling and growing a brand, I personally
6:59
Speaker 1: think it's really important to put people in their strong points. Yeah,
7:01
Speaker 1: and for me, to stay in my strong points and
7:03
Speaker 1: my creative energy flow. So there was big lessons along
7:07
Speaker 1: in that. But I really upon reflection because in the moment,
7:09
Speaker 1: I was like, oh gosh, they should just know they
7:11
Speaker 1: have no respect, and I fell into victim was now
7:14
Speaker 1: and I pulled myself out. I'm like, well, you didn't
7:15
Speaker 1: put budgies in place? What did you expect? Yes, you
7:17
Speaker 1: were trying to be too flexible and too cruzy son
7:20
Speaker 1: when you weren't. Of course they responded like that.
7:22
Speaker 2: But interesting, isn't it the way that yeah, the way
7:24
Speaker 2: that it feels when you're actually sitting in it, yeah,
7:27
Speaker 2: and how we kind of frame it in our head
7:29
Speaker 2: of like what's actually going on? Yeah, when we're not
7:31
Speaker 2: in that accountability energy.
7:32
Speaker 1: But it builds up over time. So over like the
7:34
Speaker 1: years that I had that business, the resentment built up
7:37
Speaker 1: and it didn't come out passive aggressive, But when I
7:39
Speaker 1: did put my foot down, it just didn't go down
7:41
Speaker 1: very well.
7:42
Speaker 2: Yeah.
7:42
Speaker 1: So it's yeah, It's interesting is that you can see
7:44
Speaker 1: where it comes up, and it always comes from a
7:46
Speaker 1: good place because you just you want to be liked
7:48
Speaker 1: and accepted and you want everyone to feel happy.
7:51
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, and you know something, the cost of what, Yes,
7:54
Speaker 2: are the cost of what something that you said spark
7:56
Speaker 2: something for me in this dynamic with this friend when
7:58
Speaker 2: that was happening, I remember feeling like a victim as
8:00
Speaker 2: well in that dynamic. But it's interesting because the story
8:03
Speaker 2: that I told myself at the time, because I couldn't
8:05
Speaker 2: recognize my own behavior, I was looking at her going,
8:08
Speaker 2: oh wow, she just like so happy to take up
8:10
Speaker 2: the spotlight, and like, yeah, you know, she's so comfortable
8:13
Speaker 2: doing that. But then I made it mean that like
8:15
Speaker 2: there's no room for me. Yeah, And so because I
8:17
Speaker 2: felt like there was no room for me, I always
8:19
Speaker 2: felt like I was kind of like sitting on the
8:20
Speaker 2: back end, you know what I mean, like never fully
8:22
Speaker 2: being able to like someone's shadow.
8:24
Speaker 1: In someone's shadow. Almost. Yeah, it did feel a little
8:26
Speaker 1: bit like that.
8:27
Speaker 2: But it's interesting because at the time, I in a
8:28
Speaker 2: way was blaming her, which is why the resentment, right,
8:30
Speaker 2: it was a lack of communication. Wasn't sharing that with her,
8:33
Speaker 2: I wasn't being honest about how I was feeling, but
8:36
Speaker 2: like not taking accountability.
8:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, a big accountability in that is like
8:40
Speaker 1: per sense.
8:40
Speaker 2: So when I did take accountability, I was like It's
8:42
Speaker 2: not her job to make herself smaller so that I
8:46
Speaker 2: can feel comfortable. It's not her job, do you know
8:47
Speaker 2: what I mean? And that it was my own insecurities
8:49
Speaker 2: that were coming up in the moment that made me
8:52
Speaker 2: want to position her as the villain, almost because in
8:56
Speaker 2: order to have a victim, there has to be a villain.
8:59
Speaker 1: Yea.
8:59
Speaker 2: So it was a really interesting thing to recognize, and
9:01
Speaker 2: I remember, especially when it comes to resentment or like
9:04
Speaker 2: pass aggressiveness, it can feel really challenging to see it.
9:07
Speaker 1: First.
9:08
Speaker 2: I remember I rejected her feedback so much because I
9:11
Speaker 2: was just like, but I'm so nice, but I do
9:13
Speaker 2: everything for everyone, and I go above and beyond for
9:15
Speaker 2: the people that I love, and I felt like it
9:17
Speaker 2: wasn't getting recognized, almost appreciated, appreciated.
9:20
Speaker 1: Yeah.
9:20
Speaker 2: But then the interesting thing about that is when you
9:23
Speaker 2: see yourself as only one way and not a possibility
9:27
Speaker 2: of being the other, you completely miss where you're being.
9:29
Speaker 2: That so I didn't identify, quote unquote identify with somebody
9:32
Speaker 2: who was passive aggressive because I was a nice girl.
9:35
Speaker 2: I was kind and thoughtful and put everyone else first,
9:37
Speaker 2: never got angry whatever. And then I was like, oh
9:40
Speaker 2: my god, I was completely missing where I was actually
9:42
Speaker 2: showing up as that, and so I remember having to
9:44
Speaker 2: sit through it and be like, hey, can you show
9:46
Speaker 2: me and tell me the moments where I've been passive
9:48
Speaker 2: aggressive so that I can learn, so I can see
9:50
Speaker 2: from it, and so I can change my.
9:52
Speaker 1: Behavior moving forward. It's really cool.
9:53
Speaker 2: It was hard, babe. It was hard. It was so uncomfortable.
9:56
Speaker 2: I was like, Fuck, I'm the worst friend ever.
9:58
Speaker 1: And passive aggressiveness is so shamed upon, so even if
10:01
Speaker 1: you recognize it, then you have to actually sit with
10:03
Speaker 1: the shame of like, oh my god, I that. Because
10:06
Speaker 1: it's interesting when we hear people we talk about all
10:07
Speaker 1: the time and we catch ourselves too, like I would
10:10
Speaker 1: never do that. It's like, yeah you would, Yeah you would.
10:12
Speaker 1: Everyone's capable of everything, that's right. It's like when you
10:14
Speaker 1: watch people go through a really hard time, it's like,
10:16
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I wouldn't grieve like that, or I
10:17
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that, I wouldn't be showing up like that.
10:19
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be back online. It's like, well, you don't know,
10:22
Speaker 1: because you haven't walked that life. You haven't been in
10:24
Speaker 1: their shoes, so who are you to judge? How do
10:25
Speaker 1: you know how you'd be Yeah, it's like even cheating
10:29
Speaker 1: or defeating work decisions. Even I close on baseline, it's
10:31
Speaker 1: its own messages just being like, why wouldn't you sell it?
10:33
Speaker 1: I would never just close out of business. I'm like,
10:35
Speaker 1: you don't know because you're not in my position and
10:37
Speaker 1: you don't understand how I'm feeling and where I'm at.
10:40
Speaker 1: It's so interesting, isn't it. Everyone needs to catch themselves
10:43
Speaker 1: when they say I would never, because you would. Absolutely
10:46
Speaker 1: you're more than capable for doing that.
10:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's the thing about just growth in general.
10:51
Speaker 2: When you recognize that you're capable of anything and everything,
10:54
Speaker 2: you stop almost It is so scary. It's so scary.
10:57
Speaker 2: But it's like you take yourself off the hierarchy and
10:59
Speaker 2: off the the high horse of like I'm better or
11:01
Speaker 2: like iyehinder, I'm nice.
11:03
Speaker 1: Signed, I would.
11:03
Speaker 2: Never do that because like the real is. And I
11:06
Speaker 2: hate to even you know, say it, because I don't
11:08
Speaker 2: condone cheating whatsoever. But you never know until you're in
11:11
Speaker 2: that position how you might behave if your needs a
11:14
Speaker 2: neglected for sixteen years exactly?
11:16
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
11:16
Speaker 2: And again I'm not condoning it whatsoever, But I'm just staated.
11:19
Speaker 2: For example, you never know where somebody is being pushed to.
11:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, you never know. I'm the same thing. I don't
11:25
Speaker 1: condone it, but I also don't judge it. Because we
11:27
Speaker 1: had this conversation recently about someone that was in a
11:29
Speaker 1: domestic abusive relationship, and I was like, wow, you could
11:32
Speaker 1: see if a woman is constantly getting neglected, abused, yelled at,
11:36
Speaker 1: violently abused, left out, like not emotionally connected, doesn't feel safe,
11:41
Speaker 1: not being provided for, just basically put in a corner
11:43
Speaker 1: and forgotten about. And then this beautiful night, shining arm,
11:46
Speaker 1: a soft man welcomes her, looks at her, sees her,
11:49
Speaker 1: wants to take.
11:50
Speaker 2: Care of her, makes her feel safe.
11:51
Speaker 1: You can see how she'd be drawn to going with
11:53
Speaker 1: that man. And you know what, I don't blame her,
11:55
Speaker 1: don't condone it. Yeah, you can see how that happened
11:57
Speaker 1: for sure.
11:57
Speaker 2: This is a cool conversation to have because it's just
11:59
Speaker 2: allowing you to see all things where there's judgment and
12:03
Speaker 2: choosing not to judge it because when in that position.
12:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's even like when you have kids, this is
12:08
Speaker 1: very extreme. Bring it in. You would never think you'd
12:10
Speaker 1: be capable of hurting another human physically, like murder or something.
12:13
Speaker 1: If someone did something to my children, I don't know
12:16
Speaker 1: what side of me would come out.
12:17
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:17
Speaker 1: I would do anything and everything to protect them. Damn straight,
12:21
Speaker 1: I would. Yeah, So I can't see her and say, oh,
12:23
Speaker 1: I would never stab someone. Someone came into my house
12:26
Speaker 1: and try to take my child, I don't know what
12:27
Speaker 1: I'd do. Yeah, I'd react like a fucking monster.
12:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, your mum and Bay would come out and be like,
12:31
Speaker 2: my god, my.
12:31
Speaker 1: Baby, do not come near me.
12:33
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:33
Speaker 1: I would do everything to make sure you don't get
12:34
Speaker 1: hands on them.
12:35
Speaker 2: This is such a good example. That's the reality is
12:37
Speaker 2: that people say, oh my god, look at all these
12:39
Speaker 2: psychopaths doing X, Y and Z. But it's like you
12:40
Speaker 2: never know what you're capable of until you're pushed exactly.
12:43
Speaker 1: So this is why we.
12:44
Speaker 2: Want to have this conversation. And likely mentioned this is
12:46
Speaker 2: going to be triggering. It's going to be triggering to
12:48
Speaker 2: look at to see where you're doing this yourself, because
12:50
Speaker 2: this is the accountability. It is the accountability of the
12:53
Speaker 2: hard shit that feels triggering that no one wants to
12:55
Speaker 2: look at. And I'm going to bring light and play
12:56
Speaker 2: to it. Yeah.
12:57
Speaker 1: So from this episode, we want you to think about,
12:59
Speaker 1: over this Christmas period or just in life in general,
13:02
Speaker 1: where are you saying yes when you really want to
13:04
Speaker 1: say no? And how do you feel when you continue
13:07
Speaker 1: to say yes?
13:07
Speaker 2: Yeah?
13:08
Speaker 1: Is that resentment building up? How does that then come out?
13:10
Speaker 1: Because it might come out and passive aggressive, it might
13:12
Speaker 1: come out in silent treatment, it might come out and
13:14
Speaker 1: just just your energy alone can speak thousands of words.
13:18
Speaker 1: And how would it feel this the next week or
13:20
Speaker 1: over the Christmas period to actually practice saying no? And
13:23
Speaker 1: it can be done in such a beautiful way, like
13:24
Speaker 1: even if you need space first to think about it,
13:26
Speaker 1: so like, hey, I'd love to help you with that.
13:28
Speaker 1: Can I just get back to you tomorrow? Then it
13:30
Speaker 1: gives you a full twenty four hours to draft up
13:31
Speaker 1: to your response, get tragipt if you need help, or
13:34
Speaker 1: just yeah, think of a way that feels good for you.
13:36
Speaker 1: That's like, Hey, gosh, I really love to help you out,
13:38
Speaker 1: but totally forgot, I've got X Y Z on and
13:41
Speaker 1: I just know I'm going to stretch myself and not
13:42
Speaker 1: be able to show up for you. Therefore, show up
13:44
Speaker 1: for myself and my kids. I'm so sorry, any other
13:46
Speaker 1: way that I can support you, You let me know
13:48
Speaker 1: and I'll be there. I love that so much, Just
13:50
Speaker 1: a beautiful way that you can say no. It doesn't
13:51
Speaker 1: have to be like fuck, no, I can't go the
13:53
Speaker 1: help me. Why would I want to help you? Yeah,
13:54
Speaker 1: not like because it doesn't come from that place even
13:56
Speaker 1: And then if you practice saying no, I believe then
13:59
Speaker 1: you lead the way. So next time your friend is
14:02
Speaker 1: in that position and they've seen you do it, it
14:04
Speaker 1: gives them permission and strengths be like, oh she can
14:06
Speaker 1: say no, then maybe she'll be okay if I say no,
14:09
Speaker 1: and you both get to choose yourself, do that for
14:12
Speaker 1: each other, and take care of you because you know
14:14
Speaker 1: that you're not going to give the best of you
14:15
Speaker 1: if you're constantly giving all of you out to everyone else,
14:18
Speaker 1: you're left on empty.
14:19
Speaker 2: When you're in this like overly nice energy, you're trying
14:21
Speaker 2: to people please, like you're not showing up as your
14:23
Speaker 2: authentic self. No, you can't connect on that level. And
14:25
Speaker 2: a way that this shows up is you might have
14:28
Speaker 2: somebody in your life right now where you're like, for
14:30
Speaker 2: some reason, I just feel disconnected from them. I don't
14:32
Speaker 2: feel as safe with them, I can't open up as much.
14:35
Speaker 2: I feel like there's space between us. It's probably because
14:37
Speaker 2: of the unspoken words that you haven't said. And so
14:40
Speaker 2: this is why getting everything out on the table is
14:42
Speaker 2: so beneficial for your relationships, because it's only going to
14:45
Speaker 2: help bring you closer. Like open communication. Granted, it's hard, granted,
14:51
Speaker 2: choosing yourself voicing things that hurt you, voicing things that
14:54
Speaker 2: are sitting on your heart. It's uncomfortable to do, and
14:57
Speaker 2: you're probably going to feel guilty and shameful and feel
15:01
Speaker 2: like what you're doing is wrong. But just because you
15:03
Speaker 2: feel that way, it doesn't mean that it's wrong.
15:05
Speaker 1: It's because you're growing. Yeah, we always talk about this too,
15:07
Speaker 1: just allowing all to be seen that it dissolves quicker. Yeah,
15:10
Speaker 1: if you let it sit in your head and your
15:12
Speaker 1: heart and your body, it just grows and grows and grows.
15:14
Speaker 1: It festers like absolutely affection or a rash.
15:16
Speaker 2: Oh it's the.
15:17
Speaker 1: World, Get on top of that before it can grow.
15:20
Speaker 2: Yeah. Even this happened literally the other day or yesterday. Yeah,
15:23
Speaker 2: I had a hard conversation around something that felt right
15:26
Speaker 2: for me, but it could have been perceived by somebody
15:28
Speaker 2: that I love as like a really selfish thing to
15:30
Speaker 2: choose and do, but it comes from a place of
15:33
Speaker 2: love and like I know that I know my intention
15:35
Speaker 2: is pure. And also I felt so guilty for like
15:38
Speaker 2: an hour, like I was talking actual about I'm like, babe,
15:40
Speaker 2: I feel so shit right now. Yeah, but I know
15:42
Speaker 2: it's the right thing to do for me, and if
15:43
Speaker 2: I don't do this now, it could potentially create cracks
15:46
Speaker 2: in the future. Yes, and that's what I'm always future
15:48
Speaker 2: thinking of me. Being honest and authentic right now is
15:51
Speaker 2: going to prevent problems in the future.
15:53
Speaker 1: And it's okay for it to feel uncomfortable because it's different. Yeah,
15:55
Speaker 1: it's not what you would normally do. Normally you would
15:57
Speaker 1: just be the yes girl to make everyone else happy
15:59
Speaker 1: and then suffer yourself in silence.
16:01
Speaker 2: You know what I heard one time, Actually, it must
16:03
Speaker 2: have been a quote or somebody said it on social media.
16:05
Speaker 2: I can't remember who, but somebody said, when you feel
16:09
Speaker 2: uncomfortable for choosing yourself or you make a decision where
16:12
Speaker 2: you're choosing yourself, what it's doing is showing you all
16:14
Speaker 2: of the times that you've actually abandoned.
16:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so true, because if.
16:17
Speaker 2: Choosing yourself feels uncomfortable every other time before that you've
16:20
Speaker 2: abandoned yourself.
16:21
Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, so it's like the more uncomfortable you feel,
16:24
Speaker 1: the more you've abandoned yourself.
16:25
Speaker 2: Well, the more uncomfortable you feel, the more you're choosing yourself.
16:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know. Yeah, it's a cool reflection.
16:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought it was really cool. Like that's a
16:32
Speaker 2: really interesting way to look at it.
16:33
Speaker 1: And just like anything, if it's new, it's not going
16:35
Speaker 1: to feel amazing. It's going to fel uncomfortable. I feel
16:37
Speaker 1: edgy and stretching. You're going to question yourself. Like yesterday
16:40
Speaker 1: you were like, oh, I'm not being too strict? Am
16:41
Speaker 1: I being too harsh? Is that big a deal? I'm'm
16:43
Speaker 1: making it bigger. I'm like yes, because in that moment
16:45
Speaker 1: that felt right for you. But now it's all your
16:47
Speaker 1: old conditioning. Yes, that's trying to take over yep, from
16:50
Speaker 1: like stick with it and you're doing it beautifully, communicating
16:52
Speaker 1: it well, and you can just like move through it.
16:54
Speaker 2: All my old conditioning of like, oh, but you know what,
16:56
Speaker 2: I should just be a supportive friend. I should be
16:58
Speaker 2: I should the word should, I should.
17:00
Speaker 1: Be a supportive friend.
17:00
Speaker 2: But it's not even a big deal it started up,
17:02
Speaker 2: but internally, to me it felt like a big deal
17:04
Speaker 2: in it, I felt like I needed to voice it. Yeah,
17:06
Speaker 2: you know, so give yourself grace in this time. But honestly,
17:09
Speaker 2: if it feels uncomfortable, you're probably heading in the right direction.
17:12
Speaker 2: And kind of use that discomfort as a way of like,
17:15
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, right now I'm outside of my comfort zone,
17:18
Speaker 2: which is good because it means that I'm growing in
17:20
Speaker 2: the direction I want to grow in.
17:21
Speaker 1: We just invite you to practice. And if the people
17:23
Speaker 1: around you can't hold your boundaries, they're not your people.
17:26
Speaker 1: I have literally lost friends and lost people because of it.
17:28
Speaker 1: They're not your people. The right people will love all
17:31
Speaker 1: of you, and they will expect that you want to
17:32
Speaker 1: put yourself first and you're saying no for the right reasons,
17:34
Speaker 1: and they understand. They want to make sure that you're okay.
17:37
Speaker 1: And if both people are doing that, create's a really
17:39
Speaker 1: beautiful relationship.
17:40
Speaker 2: Yeah that's so true.
17:41
Speaker 1: So sending my love in this silly season and this
17:43
Speaker 1: busy season. But time to put yourself first and practice
17:46
Speaker 1: saying yes to the things that really you feel that
17:49
Speaker 1: big body yes, and no to the things that aren't
17:51
Speaker 1: feeling quite right, right now.
17:52
Speaker 2: Absolutely use your voice. Yes girl, get it.
17:56
Speaker 1: Thank you, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye bye