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Ready to Date… or Just Lonely? · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to my sexy menopause body.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Just a podcast.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Menopause isn't something to dread.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background, it means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get started.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, be honest with yourself for just a second.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are you actually ready to date again?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you just sick of feeling alone on Friday nights?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: If that question lands in your gut, then this episode is for you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to my sexy menopause body, and I am Kim Nicholson.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to talk about the question that never really shows up on a dating profile, but absolutely it shows up in your chest at 11 p.m.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Am I ready to date again?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I just lonely?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Big difference between the two.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need another expert yelling at you to put yourself out there while you're still picking up the pieces from your last relationship or love loss.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: You need someone to actually help you listen to yourself again.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you know who that's going to be?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's going to be you.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we're going to do today.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: So by the end of this episode, you'll have at least three takeaways and you know, me, always a couple few tiny assignments.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not cute homework, but more like kind of like reality checks.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do all of this in under 10 minutes.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you can so you stop gaslighting yourself and you actually know what kind of season that you're in.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so let me start off with a story because I promise you, you're not the only one in this situation.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have a friend, I'll call her Lisa, and she messaged me and she said to me, I just sat at the Target parking lot for 20 minutes debating whether to download a dating app or not.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: She said, I looked around at all the couples, all the families, and I thought, I'm so tired of doing everything alone.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready to date.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then she got really quiet and she said something like, But if I'm honest, I don't know if I'm ready.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just know that I'm lonely.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that moment, right there, that's the crack of the sidewalk a lot of women fall into.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Am I ready?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or do I just hate this feeling so much?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'd rather hand my heart to the first decent human who texts me back.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So take away this.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness, fear, and pressure are master shape shifters.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: They are.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: They dress up as I'm ready.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness says, I can't stand my own company another night.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Fear says, if I don't find someone now, I never will.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And pressure says, my friends have all moved on.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: My ex-husband has moved on.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So none of these voices make you weak at all.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: They make you human.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: But they are not the same as I genuinely feel ready to let someone into the life I've rebuilt.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here's your first reality check.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking you to do a 40-page workbook.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe next episode, but not this one.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to be honest for the next few minutes.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just want five honest minutes of your time right now.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So tonight or whenever you can, I want you to get a piece of paper and write this at the top of the page.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't date right now, I'm afraid that fill in the blank.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then finish that sentence as many times as you can.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So again, write this down.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't date right now, I'm afraid that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to edit.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's no trying to sound wise or spiritualize it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just write down the raw, the unfiltered, and this is what my brain is actually screaming at at 2 a.m.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: kind of stuff.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've I've seen women write a response like, I'm afraid I'll die alone, or I'm afraid no one will ever want this body.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm afraid I'll waste my good years on the wrong person again.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you might be a little shocked by what comes out, but that's how you stop those fears from secretly driving the car while you pretend you're just keeping an open mind.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's assignment number one.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you can pause it and pause this podcast right now and do it right now if you want to, or you know, um come back to it later.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But please don't skip it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is you being honest with you right now, and I will tell you your answers will tell you will tell you a lot about yourself.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: All right, story time again.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: This one might sound familiar too.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So another friend told me I matched with this guy, and on a on a piece of paper, he was perfect.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: He had a solid job, corporate position, his photos were really gorgeous.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: He seemed, you know, emotionally intelligent.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: But every time we texted, I felt this, I don't know, this not.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't explain it, she said.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: She just just, you know, she just convinced herself just to go on this date, you know, like what do I have to lose?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So she went.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, I spent the entire date almost hovering over above my own body, laughing at his jokes, nodding, being polite, and the whole time it felt like I was watching myself from across the room.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then she told me, and that's when it hit me.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: My body knew before I did.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was screaming, I don't feel safe.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you have that radar too, especially now.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your body is collecting data long before your brain spins a cute little story out of it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: So the second thing I want you to remember to take away is your body, your body's reaction, your body often knows more than a dating app does.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: So when you think about going on a date or opening that dating app or taxing them back, I want you to notice which one feels more like you.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Is it curiosity?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Is it panic or numbness?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, curiosity feels like what to you?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh some butterflies, but you can't breathe.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're a little nervous, but there's a steady maybe underneath.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And panic feels like a tight chest and racing thoughts and checking your phone 27 times and a voice screaming in your head, if you don't respond right now, he'll disappear and I'll lose my chance.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Numbness feels like you're scrolling and you're swiping and you're saying yes or no, but it all feels static.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're not really there.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Curiosity is a possible green light for you.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Panic is your nervous system saying, not safe yet, nope, nope, not going there.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Numbness is your system saying, I'm overloaded, I've checked out.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the next thing I want you to do.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can literally do this while you're, I don't know, wherever you are standing in line at Starbucks right now.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So before you open that dating app and reply to any kind or reply to any kind of like flirty text or say yes to a date this week, just take a deep breath in and exhale and pause for a few seconds and put a hand on your chest or on your belly and ask right now, do I feel curious or do I feel panicked or do I feel numb?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: If it's curiosity, beautiful.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean sprint.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: That means proceed slowly at a pace that respects your life.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if it's panic or numbness that you're feeling, that is not your cue to push through and be brave or get it over with, or however you want to call it.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is your cue to close the app and take three slow breaths and go do one thing that actually nourishes yourself.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Step outside, make a cup of tea, text a friend who feels like home, take a walk without your phone.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're allowed to regulate your own nervous system before you worry about something or someone else's feelings.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I call grown woman dating.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Honor and respect the feelings that you feel within you.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so remember too, take away three.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is three, one, two, yep, this would be three.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, guess what?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're not auditioning anymore.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're observing, you're in the driver's seat.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about what happens when you do go on that date.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I remember um another one of my friends, actually, this was a client of mine who became a friend, and she said at 32 I went on dates like I was interviewing for a job.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think that is hilarious because kind of don't we all do that every once in a while?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like, you know, how how many kids do you have?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do for a job?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you where were you born?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where you where were you raised?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you go to college at?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, those are it it's kind of like a job interview, right?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: So but you know, you also are asking things like, well, you're kind of looking for, well, do you do you do I think he likes me?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Am I enough for him?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Will you pick me?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: But now at 55, I walk into a dating, a date thinking, do I like you?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel safe?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can I breathe around you?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is the same woman, different questions.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you hear nothing else today, hear this.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: You are not auditioning anymore.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're observing.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess this is my third takeaway.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: You get to date with a grown woman standard.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your job on the date is not to perform, your job is to notice do I feel more like myself or do I feel less like myself?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do I feel like I have to shrink or do I feel like I have to perform?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or do I feel like I have to overexplain?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: When I leave this date, do I feel energized or do I feel just freaking drained?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, your last assignment, and it is tiny, but it's really my it's really powerful.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to open up your note apps and write these two sentences down.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: When I feel safe and seen with someone, my body feels blink.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Finish that.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Does your I'm gonna say it again.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So when I feel safe and seen with someone, my body feels does it feel relaxed?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Does it feel chatty or giddy or silly or I don't know, grounded, playful, whatever, whatever's true for you.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the second sentence.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: On a date, my job is to notice whether I feel more like myself, or do I feel less like myself?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just those two.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna repeat it again.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: When I feel safe and seen with someone, my body feels blank.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the second one again is on a date.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: My job is to notice whether I feel or you feel more like yourself, or do you feel less like yourself?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just those two.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So take those two into every conversation, every coffee, every walk in the park.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you walk away from a date feeling smaller or more anxious or more confused about yourself, you know what?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's proof that you are able to recognize your true feelings.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's proof that your standards are working, and they're telling you the truth that your brain might try to negotiate away.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, are you ready to date or are you just lonely?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're not going to slap a label on you today.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe next week.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to let your fears, your body, and your standards tell you the truth.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: So basically, this podcast was basically interviewing your body and allowing your body to speak your truth.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, loneliness can dress up as readiness.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Your body does know more than any kind of dating application, and you're not auditioning anymore.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You are now in the driver's seat, so you're observing with remember a grown woman's brain.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: So pick one of the three reality checks and actually do it today.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: The if I don't date page in your journal, the 30-second curious, am I curious or am I panicked or am I numb?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or those two sentences in your notes app.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: That and if something hit home, send me a DM on Instagram at kimnik.wellness and tell me one line that landed for you.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're not behind, remember, you are just in the middle of your, I don't know, what somebody called it the other day a second chance season, and I kind of like that because it is another chance for us.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really glad you were here today, and I'm looking forward to our next podcast.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to you next time.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's a whole new beginning.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: This is your time to own your power.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because sexy doesn't expire.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: You define it.