Latest / Libido Lounge / Girlfriend Edition #4: Is JEALOUSY Ruining Your Relationship?

Transcript

Girlfriend Edition #4: Is JEALOUSY Ruining Your Relationship? · Libido Lounge

0:00
And our first question today is jealousy.
0:03
Thank you for bringing this up.
0:05
I can't remember the last time I felt jealous, honestly.
0:08
Yep.
0:08
It probably happens more with friends than my romantic relationship.
0:13
When I think about jealousy, it's like a fruitless emotion, and I don't give it the
0:18
time, which maybe now I'm feeling like I I should let it trickle in a little bit just
0:24
to see what it has to teach me.
0:26
How much of the human experience is spent looping in these painful cycles just because we
0:33
don't communicate?
0:34
How can you just remain curious in all aspects of life and let let that be the leading force
0:40
rather than being restrictive or thinking that you can't have something because you're in long
0:45
term partnership.
0:46
Jealousy, just like anything else, it's it's a choice.
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We can choose to tap into that energy, or we can choose something different.
0:54
We can choose to be in competition with women or we can choose to be in celebration with with
1:01
women.
1:01
And we always have that choice in every situation all the time.
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Because as women, we're trained to compete with each other,
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and I'm sure that's where a lot of it comes from.
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And, like, that feeling that I had towards my partner was definitely, like,
1:16
does he like me more than her?
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We're humans.
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Fear is a primal instinct of us.
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Well, it's not wrong to choose fear.
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I don't believe.
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I don't believe.
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I think it's part of our human experience.
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I think that there the higher vibration, the more growth oriented choice, yeah, would be
1:34
love.
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I think, do I intend to always wanna come from love?
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Yes.
1:38
But I don't think I I don't believe in making myself wrong if I do come from
1:42
a place of fear.
1:44
Hey, everybody.
1:45
Welcome back to my libido lounge podcast.
1:47
I'm your host, board certified sexologist, doctor Diane, and I'm going to be introducing
1:52
you to a few of my friends.
1:53
We're talking today about how to keep your libido high and how to keep your libido high
1:59
during the ebbs and flows of a relationship, or if you are between relationships, how to still
2:04
stoke your own libido so you can still have all that juicy energy to put back into your work,
2:09
to your life, to help balance your hormones, balance stress, and more.
2:14
So this is our third and final edition of this round of the girlfriend episode.
2:19
So you will meet my friends again in a second.
2:22
And we will do more girlfriend episodes here in the future several months down the road.
2:27
So please do subscribe so you make sure to stay abreast of when we release new episodes.
2:34
Alright, everybody.
2:34
Let me bring on my friends, and let's get started.
2:36
Hey, everybody.
2:38
Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
2:40
I have another girlfriend edition for you today.
2:42
We are talking today about jealousy.
2:45
We're talking today about love and what we do to keep things hot in long term relationships
2:51
or what we do to keep our libido and our our pleasure and our sex drive going between
2:57
relationships and wherever else we go today.
3:00
So I have my girlfriends with me again today, and as you probably remember from previous
3:04
episodes, we're going by our co code names.
3:08
So here is Venus Ruby
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Hi.
3:11
And Cosmos Hi.
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And Yonisan.
3:15
Hi there.
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So welcome back, everybody.
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And our first question today is jealousy.
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So I will tell you guys that, like, the my first introduction to jealousy was in my
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twenties when I was in an open relationship, a poly relationship.
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Then, it was with a male and a female, and we were kinda just like a closed knit unit that
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was, like, generally just together.
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And then all of a sudden, we were doing more openness, and they, the male and the female,
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found like, they started getting more and more time together without me.
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And so, like, in any, like, triad relationship, there is, like, the individual relationships,
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of course, and then there's the unit.
3:59
And we all had, like, equal time, and then there was this moment where it just like
4:04
started fading away.
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Like me.
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Like, I started fading away.
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And there was more time that it was like without being talked about or discussed.
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It was them hanging out on like the time that was like once upon a time, my time.
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And I had no idea what the fuck to do with those feelings.
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Like, it was like jealousy meets with, like, rage.
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And it was very interesting because I think the the biggest thing that I was feeling around the
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time was, like, like, all of those emotions, but then I would, like there was a lot of self
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shame that would happen because then I was almost, like, well, now I'm bad for feeling
4:44
jealous, and now I'm bad for feeling angry.
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So I think that was, like, one of the biggest learning lessons for me was, like, how to have
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a feeling like that and how to, just understand that sometimes that is a a normal human
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experience.
5:00
And I don't experience a lot of jealousy now, but if it does come up in passing, it's like
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it's much more that.
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I think it's much more in passing because of actually going through that and, like,
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experiencing like, oh, this is what this feeling is, it's not bad or wrong, and because
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I don't shame it or shame myself, it can just be like something I notice that just like then
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doesn't hold in my body.
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So it was like very, I think it was very like educational for me, but very, it was just
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trauma.
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It was just like there was a lot of trauma around that relationship and a lot of feeling
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of rejection in that time.
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Yeah.
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Did it see
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your confidence for a while in relationships?
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It really didn't shake my I wouldn't say it shaked my confidence in relationships, but it
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it certainly made me not very interested in that configuration again, you know.
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It certainly made me realize, like, that was just too too messy of an emotional
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configuration for me.
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Yeah.
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Mhmm.
6:03
Were you able
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to talk about it with the other two?
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Like, was it was there an an allowance or safety for there to be an open dialogue about
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it?
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Or closure even?
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No.
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No.
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There really wasn't.
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I mean, think we were so young and we didn't have any that was before I studied, like,
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anything on communication styles or any of that.
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So I think we just didn't we didn't know.
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We didn't know how to have those hard conversations.
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And I do think it would have been easier, you know, if we were at least able to, like, name
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it and, like, name, like, wow.
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This, you know, this may be where it is, like, but there still hurts and, you know, there was
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a level of, like, actual care.
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But they're just I think it was just, like, the, you know, the the newness of those types
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of feelings that nobody, I don't have like any hard feelings for them, like nobody knew how to
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navigate those feelings and the complexity of it.
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So
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It's a big thing.
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Yeah, it was.
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Yeah, it was.
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Was dynamic and I think what you said is really huge.
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Had there maybe been space or skill or know how even, right, you were young, so it makes sense
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it wasn't there, but just the importance of naming Yeah.
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First for yourself in any situation what it is we're feeling, but then being able to name it
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in the context of relationship, think is huge, and freeing ourselves from not so readily
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hooking in or overly identifying with whatever story we're creating around.
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It's socially jealousy.
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That's an thing to feel, and I'd have, like, we're not gonna feel it, or I'm mad if I'm
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feeling this.
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Right?
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But it yeah.
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Yeah.
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So it seems like a yeah.
7:40
Yeah.
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Exactly.
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I mean,
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I think there's always, like, two different sides of any emotional thing.
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It's like we feel the emotion, and then they're, like, we like, it's so easy to add the
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shame and the guilt on top of the emotion versus just allowing emotion to have its space
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and being being okay with feeling it for a
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little while.
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So that's Being okay with feeling it for a little while.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's strange when I think about jealousy and I don't experience it very often.
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I can't remember the last time I felt jealous, honestly.
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Yeah.
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It probably happens more with friends than my romantic relationship and that's more back to,
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like, you know, am I worthy enough or all all that stuff that's not really about jealousy.
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Right?
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But when I think about jealousy, it's like a fruitless emotion, and I don't give it the
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time, which maybe now I'm feeling like I I should let it trickle in a little bit just to
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see what it has to teach me.
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Let's just
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say, I love that curiosity.
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I really do.
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Like, all these reflective prompts and just, like, getting us to tap into these older
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experiences just has me sitting here wondering, like, how much of the human experience is spent
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looping in these painful cycles just because we don't communicate.
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Or or advocate for ourselves or the people that we love in those really raw and vulnerable
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moments.
9:06
Right?
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It's like only in these times of of reflection where we can be like, oh, like, you know, we've
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come a long way now.
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We're we're more anchored or angered in who we are.
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We're more confident.
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But, yeah, it's like those times where we just, like, we could have spoken up for ourselves and
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we didn't and we hold on to that for such a long time.
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It's really avoid the uncomfortable feeling, so much of the human experience.
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Yeah.
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Mhmm.
9:33
Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And I think jealousy is on that throne of, like, some of the more or, like, anger, but
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jealousy is like, the the the energy of it is, I think, on in my experience, especially, like,
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it's one that, like, I wanna avoid, or I don't really wanna if I'm feeling it, it's like,
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okay.
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I need I can be quick to try to bypass it or or use my mind to be like, oh, well, blah blah
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blah.
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It shouldn't feel this way or overwrite it Mhmm.
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Versus actually just letting myself be like, oh, I'm feeling jealous.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Interesting.
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Curious.
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Like, what you said, like, giving it there is likely maybe some not not to hook into it, but
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to actually just be with it with less resistance.
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Like, I might another emotion that's easier for me to be with, even if it is a you know, there
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are some more challenging emotions that are more easy for me to be with versus jealousy.
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There is some sort of ickiness that I feel or that I have definitely associated with it.
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Yeah.
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Like, we don't go to our friends and say, I'm feeling really jealous.
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Like, it's such an embarrassing emotion.
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Does feel that way even to say out loud.
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Mhmm.
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Yeah.
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Mhmm.
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But that said, I don't experience that jealousy.
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I'm just
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You said it Yeah.
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It's
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it's like I The concept of these emotions and like how we process them and how what we allow
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is so interesting from a standpoint of I'm thinking of an example.
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I made a video about shame, a YouTube video about shame and sexual shame, and their
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comments were very interesting.
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And it's always fascinating to me who says what, but there was somebody that had some
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pretty strong comments about Shane has a purpose.
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And I think that person, like, missed the point of what I was talking about, but I think this
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person also had a really good point that, like, applies here, which is, like, this person's
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point was shame is teaching us that we are in alignment with something that is where, you
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know, that's good for us or is not.
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And I think that's the good part of shame.
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And then of course, there's the other side of shame where it's like self deprecating.
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Yeah.
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But it's like, so to take something like that and like apply it to jealousy Yeah.
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I think is like a similar type of thing of like, where is that line between this is a
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teacher around what feels good, what doesn't feel good versus now this is something that is
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taking over life and is actually, like, detrimental.
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Yeah.
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And I think there's a line.
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Yeah.
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Well, I I I like that.
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I mean, when I think of shame, I think, when we are internal in our shame Mhmm.
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That feeds it.
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The shadow, the keeping the closed doors, that's gonna feed feed feed the shame versus
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what it is when we can be witnessed in safe capacity, whether it be a partner, a lover,
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therapist coach, friends, somewhere.
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That if if is shined on shame, it really supports it in softening and letting go and
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being moved.
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And so just you bringing up that analogy makes me care.
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I'm like, okay.
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So in relationship to then jealousy.
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Mhmm.
12:28
Like, uh-huh.
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Yeah.
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It's like, could I share it if they if I'm feeling like, oh, I'm feeling jealous in this
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friendship?
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Like, I already feel a contraction in my heart.
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But I'm like, what would that be like to share to the friend?
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And and could they hear that?
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And could that yeah.
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And would that help just help in the unwinding?
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Because then it's just not internalized and my mind's trying to, like, overpower or override.
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Mhmm.
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Right?
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Which isn't true, like, is is creating more disconnection, I think.
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Mhmm.
12:56
Wow.
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Yeah.
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So curious.
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Anybody and do you have anything else to share?
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And I think about jealousy in a sexual or romantic relationship, the reason that I have
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an aversion to it or or maybe just I mean, doesn't I hadn't thought about jealousy,
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honestly, until you brought up this question, and then I really spent some time with it.
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But to me, it's like the ownership aspect, right, of like, this is my friend, this is my
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partner, this is whatever.
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And and because I don't feel that in my relationship, and we've we've talked about
13:30
that, my partner and I, right, like, it's not possible for me to fulfill everything for him,
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and he's not gonna be everything for me.
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And that's why we have friends.
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Right?
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So, like, this book that I wanna talk about, I'm gonna go to my friend or, like, get that
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somewhere else.
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And if my partner doesn't feel fulfilled and is going after someone else and I have the feeling
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of jealousy, that's giving me information about our relationship.
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Right?
13:57
Like, what's missing that's really important?
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What's a want versus a need, right?
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Like, we have an understanding that we may be attracted to other people, that we will be
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attracted to other people, that's just natural, Right?
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And it's come up over the many years that we've been together, but we don't necessarily need
14:22
that to be fulfilled in our relationships.
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Right?
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Like, sometimes that's just desire or it's telling us something like, this person has
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this.
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Can we incorporate that into our relationship somehow?
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So I think we've been able to navigate outside of jealousy by being really honest about our
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sexual attraction to other people or what we might be missing in our partnership.
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Mhmm.
14:50
Sounds like leading with curiosity too.
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Mhmm.
14:53
Just letting that be part of the exploration of monogamy.
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Like, how can you just remain curious in all aspects of life, and let let that be the
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leading force rather than being restrictive or thinking that you can't have something because
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you're in long term partnership.
15:10
Sure.
15:11
Yeah.
15:11
And I wouldn't even say we're monogamous in the way that that confines a relationship.
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Right?
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That's like, when I think about monogamy, it's a stifling term to me.
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Right?
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That's like, you can't look in another person.
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You can't like have desires out of out of this relationship.
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And so I wouldn't even label myself monogamous even though I'm in a committed relationship
15:35
where I only have sex with one person.
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But that I don't know.
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It feels like a dead term to me.
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Where where jealousy could flourish because you're being confined into this really
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unnatural, like, this person is everything kind of relationship.
15:54
Wow.
15:56
Yeah.
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That's that's exactly the the reason I renamed my libido club to the hot and modern monogamy
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club, was actually to differentiate between, like, the traditional monogamy, which I think
16:07
has all of those feelings, and, like, what does it mean in this day and age for, like, what is
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what is the modern version of monogamy?
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How is it, like, how does it look where we can actually be honest and say, like, yeah, that's
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a that's a beautiful person.
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There are beautiful people in the world.
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There are, like, every human has more attraction.
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Every human is going to need even in monogamy other relationships and, like, that being okay
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versus, like, like you said, this how can monogamy be like supportive and hot and novel
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and full of desire without being restrictive?
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It's the spectrum.
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It's monogamy.
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Yeah.
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Makes me wonder just like if everything in life is actually just a spectrum.
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Like, even even jealousy.
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I I love the conversation of jealousy, and and Ruby, I've really been just reflecting on on
16:55
something you had said in the very beginning of just, like, jealousy on the throne or something
16:59
to that effect, and it just made me wonder and again just feel curious about all of these,
17:07
like, seemingly negative emotions that we experience as humans just being rewritten and
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reanalyzed and redefined in our modern day lives to just be these interesting teachers.
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Like, jealousy is information.
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Like, what is it showing me about myself?
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Or what is it showing me about how I'm showing up in these relationships rather than having it
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to be this this, like, defining thing about who I am and Right.
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And what I'm all about.
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Yeah.
17:36
Yeah.
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So here's a curious because I so 1000% agree with that.
17:40
Right?
17:40
And I think that we tend to, like, have more of that, like, the both end perspective that
17:44
brings it in more of the grayer versus black and white.
17:47
But I'm curious, like, how are ways that you or anyone you know, how do you find yourself in
17:53
really practical ways around jealousy or other things in in your primary partner relationship
17:58
or friendships, however, shows up?
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How do you find yourself in the moment really being able to see this?
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It's, like, all fine and dandy, right, when we talk about it, but when the trigger is there
18:10
to, like, see the spectrum or feel more the both and the end.
18:14
You're just reminding me of the story.
18:16
Wow.
18:16
Okay.
18:19
Jealousy that I experienced that I completely forgot about Uh-huh.
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In my current relationship, and this was many years ago, which is probably why I forgot about
18:26
it.
18:27
Thank you for bringing this up.
18:30
When I was first with my partner, we were at an event with some of his very long term friends
18:37
and there was a woman there that I found out later my partner had slept with, like as a like
18:43
a one off.
18:44
It was they were both mourning, m o u r, mourning, and and like it was born out of that.
18:51
Right?
18:51
So it like they were stayed friends, it wasn't romantic, but when I saw them the next time,
18:57
they hugged and I saw her like, rub his back in a really familiar way, and I remember feeling
19:05
jealous Yeah.
19:06
Of like, oh, she's known him intimately in the way that I've known him intimately and she's
19:10
still in his life and all these feelings came up and how we navigated that, of course, was
19:16
talking about it like adults.
19:18
Like, you know, I had these feelings come up and, like, talking about what she means to him
19:23
and that honestly, that's all it took for me to, like, let that go.
19:30
Yeah.
19:31
Because just knowing, like, how he feels about it and, like, him and I being truly honest
19:35
about these big feelings as adults were, like, that's yeah.
19:40
That's what it did in Laram.
19:41
Yeah.
19:41
But let's mean, you make it seem like, oh, like, we're adults, so we had the conversation,
19:44
but it also could have been just as quote unquote easy or some to oh, it was just a one
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moment to ignore it and try to, like, oh, just overpower.
19:54
Right?
19:54
But it like, yeah.
19:55
So I think it's a really beautiful example of no.
19:58
Like, I'm not I I had this strong emotion come up just because it was, like, okay.
20:02
Contact to the back.
20:03
I'm gonna share it with my partner.
20:05
I'm gonna let him in on what's happening within me.
20:08
Yeah.
20:08
Yeah.
20:08
And the next time I saw her, made it that point, she's very cool too, like, and then this
20:12
part, and like, gorgeous, and like, all the things, right?
20:15
And I remember making it a point to know her because otherwise, that jealousy could really
20:21
bubble, right, without, like, being connected in in some way.
20:25
And so it all worked out great, but it's good to be reminded that this jealousy happens even
20:31
if it's not in the forefront of my mind.
20:34
Mhmm.
20:35
What your story really makes me think about is how much how much personal responsibility we
20:43
have, and this was actually what I was thinking about in response to your question, Ruby.
20:47
Jealousy, just like anything else, it's it's a choice.
20:51
We can choose to tap into that energy, or we can choose something different.
20:55
We can choose to be in competition with women, or we can choose to be in celebration with with
21:02
women.
21:02
And we always have that choice in every situation all the time.
21:07
And it doesn't mean that you make the higher the higher choice.
21:12
In in this case, like, being in celebration over competition all the time.
21:18
But yeah.
21:19
It's like we we can choose whether or not we wanna let those feelings and emotions take
21:24
over.
21:24
No.
21:26
Yeah.
21:27
It's interesting.
21:28
Jealousy doesn't feel like I mean, I feel like I make the choice, but then jealousy feels like
21:34
one of those things that if if we were to choose, we would never choose that, but that I
21:39
think you're playing more like instinct?
21:42
Yeah.
21:42
Or like it's a it's a spark, and maybe you have no choice about that part.
21:46
Mhmm.
21:46
But you're saying you get to choose how to navigate.
21:48
How to The dialy.
21:49
It is the response.
21:50
Yes.
21:51
Yes.
21:51
Thank you.
21:52
Thank you for clarifying that.
21:53
Not that the jealous feeling won't come up, but you get to choose how you navigate through the
21:58
world with that.
21:59
And what that means is pretty show and exactly.
22:01
It means about you and your ego.
22:03
Mhmm.
22:04
I always associate the feeling of jealousy, for me personally, of being less than something.
22:10
And it, like, for me, I'm using the word competition.
22:13
Maybe that's not how it resonates for everyone.
22:16
And the way I try and just quell some of those harder feelings is to remember that I'm I'm a
22:25
flavor, and you're a flavor
22:26
Mhmm.
22:27
And you're a flavor, and you're a flavor.
22:28
And all the flavors are delicious and wonderful and desirable, and different people enjoy
22:35
different flavors, and different flavors resonate at different points in our life, and,
22:40
like, we're we're all we're all worthy of love and being desired, and, yeah, it just feels,
22:47
like, more interesting to to think of it that way.
22:51
I think you're right about the competition part too, because as women, we're trained Oh, yes.
22:56
From way early Yes.
22:58
To compete with each other, and I'm sure that's where a lot of it comes from.
23:02
And like, that feeling that I had towards my partner was definitely, like, does he like me
23:07
more than her?
23:08
Or, you you know, like, am I better than her or all of that?
23:12
But that's not really he could be with that person.
23:17
Right?
23:17
Which brings us back to the main point of this question, which is if my partner wants to is
23:24
happier with someone or I'm happier with someone, that we have this agreement that
23:29
that's we're gonna live that truth.
23:31
Right?
23:31
No matter what it means for our relationship, because why would we be unhappy together?
23:37
Yeah.
23:37
Right?
23:37
Just for the sake of not being jealous or or disrupting our monogamous relationship.
23:44
Mhmm.
23:44
Yeah.
23:45
There's a There's a term in the open relationship world is used a lot.
23:52
It's a word that's not anything to do with that setting, but it's used more in that setting
23:59
than I've heard it used other places, which is compersion.
24:01
Do you guys know that word?
24:03
It's a word that basically means taking so much personal pleasure in somebody else's pleasure.
24:11
I even had it I heard it used, financially recently, like financial conversion.
24:16
So it's like, oh, you see somebody that's at a better financial place.
24:21
And rather than being, like like, jealous or, like, comparing or having envy, of course,
24:26
these things can come up, but then it's like, what do you do with that?
24:29
Well, how quickly can it be like, oh, wow.
24:32
I can actually be so joyous and feel so much pleasure that somebody gets to live that flavor
24:37
of a life, which is easier said than done, I think, in a lot of ways.
24:42
But that's what I think about when you're talking about you and your partner around,
24:45
like, where is this level of of compersion?
24:47
And even with, like, jealousy in general, like, how can we see something?
24:52
And, like, to your point of, like, what do we do with it?
24:55
How do we respond?
24:56
How can we, like, move and respond in a way where it's, like, not making it wrong, not
25:00
shaming.
25:01
Maybe it's information about what we do want in our life and, you know, more, and maybe there's
25:04
action.
25:05
But how can we also in the moment, like, move to feel essential joy for something else in the
25:11
world?
25:12
And, like, easier said than done, but a lot of benefits from, like, living life in that state,
25:22
I think, of of just being so joyous for the joy in other people.
25:27
Mhmm.
25:27
Well, since this is a podcast about sex and pleasure, I'm curious for you, doctor D,
25:32
because I think to be able to orient in that way Mhmm.
25:36
Or even have the capacity to have the choice to choose how you're gonna respond versus reacting
25:44
out of jealousy or whatever's being triggered
25:46
Mhmm.
25:46
To be in that place of joy, I would imagine think a person would need to be experiencing
25:52
good amount of pleasure in their life, sexual or nonsexual.
25:55
Can
25:57
you speak to that, doctor d?
25:59
I can.
26:00
Thank you, Venus Ruby.
26:02
I mean, my feeling on that is, like, this is back to, you know, I told you one of my
26:07
favorite statements offline, which is pleasure is not just about desire, but something we
26:11
require.
26:11
And I think this is so related to that,
26:14
you know, because I think
26:15
there's a line again.
26:16
Pleasure is not just that desire, but something we require.
26:20
I could feel you're really taking it in right now.
26:25
But I think there's so much to be said about that because when it comes to this idea of
26:30
being able to experience more conversion, like, and how do we do that?
26:34
And I think the more that we are filled up in our own body and our nervous system is
26:39
regulated because any of these things that we're talking about, jealousy and shame, but
26:44
jealousy is the point of this episode, one of the things that I think helps us co regulate or
26:50
self regulate is the ability for our nervous system not to like launch us into outer space,
26:55
like mine did when I was in my twenties around like, okay, how do we have these feelings and
27:00
actually sit with them and and not feel like we're in this fight or flight driven place?
27:06
And I think we do that when our nervous system's regulated.
27:10
And what we see with oxytocin, if you look at, like, studies on oxytocin around, like, people
27:14
talk about, like, the twenty second hug, for example, and if you look at twenty second hug
27:19
versus orgasm, and the amount of oxytocin, like, a twenty second hug is gonna give you,
27:25
like, raised blood levels maybe twenty, thirty, 40%.
27:29
Orgasms gonna raise blood levels of oxytocin like 200, 300, 400, So 500 when we see that
27:36
oxytocin is like one of the most regulating things for getting us into that nervous system
27:43
calm, relaxed, regulated state, that's where pleasure of all types.
27:49
And especially things like bringing in like something like orgasm that can, you know, that
27:53
can Really?
27:54
200 times, you know, or 200%, I should say, to 500 increase our blood levels.
28:01
I do think there's that direct relationship like you bring up.
28:04
So I love your question because there's that direct relationship, I think, of being able to
28:09
feel so much pleasure and co regulating or self regulating your nervous system, and therefore,
28:15
being able to handle, you know, jealousy and work through jealousy and these emotions in a
28:20
nonreactive kind of way.
28:23
Do you think when we feel jealousy that we should have an orgasm?
28:28
That's what I was The takeaway is more orgasm.
28:31
It's how I'm getting, yeah.
28:33
That seems like
28:34
That's highly doctor recommended.
28:37
I haven't had enough this week, for real.
28:39
I was
28:39
working, working, working, working.
28:41
I
28:42
have this note on my mirror that says love or fear you decide every day.
28:49
And for me, that feels like it Every day.
28:52
Yeah.
28:53
That's very clear.
28:54
Right?
28:54
With jealousy.
28:55
Like, if you're happy Yeah.
28:57
If you're happy and you're choosing love, then seeing someone you love be happy even if it's
29:01
with someone else.
29:02
Like, that's so clear.
29:03
And the opposite is clearly fear.
29:06
Right?
29:06
Like, those are the two not that I always choose the right one, but, yeah, I think that's
29:13
how
29:13
Well, it's not wrong to choose fear.
29:16
I don't believe.
29:17
I don't believe.
29:19
I think it's part of our human experience.
29:20
I think that the higher vibration, the more growth oriented choice, yeah, would be love.
29:26
I think, do I intend to always wanna come from love?
29:29
Yes.
29:29
But I don't think I I don't believe in making myself wrong if I do come from a place of fear.
29:34
Instead, how quickly can I can I notice that?
29:37
And and if I need to do some repair, do repair or resolve what what needs to happen.
29:42
But what's I mean, I love that quote I wanna write, and I love how you ended it with love or
29:46
fear every day, or what is
29:47
I like every day.
29:48
Actually, at the end of I like the way that you're framing this, though, because I've been,
29:51
like, I do tend to judge myself for choosing fear.
29:58
Yeah.
29:58
But I like I like the compassion that you're but the end of the quote actually is,
30:02
compassion is an state
30:04
of being.
30:04
Compassion is an evolved state of being.
30:08
Yeah.
30:08
That's the second which makes me think, yeah, I I could feel fear Mhmm.
30:14
And that would be okay.
30:15
And
30:15
that's And it the tells me something, probably.
30:17
Yeah.
30:17
It comes back to, like, the whole spectrum.
30:19
Right?
30:19
And these are all Exactly.
30:20
Beautiful opportunities of, like, checking in for ourself of, oh, wow.
30:24
I noticed I really I I responded or reacted out of fear in this circumstance, or I'm having a
30:31
hard time being compassionate with myself.
30:33
Could those be opportunities to, in our super busy, full lives, take a pause?
30:39
I mean, I'm saying this for myself too.
30:40
Right?
30:40
And, like, take a breath and come back in and, oh, okay.
30:44
Could I just could it be as simple as enhancing my pleasure and try to increase my oxytocin
30:50
level in my blood?
30:52
Mhmm.
30:52
Can I can I go have an orgasm and come back and see, oh, can I have more compassion, or can I
30:57
come from love?
30:58
I mean, it doesn't have to an orgasm.
30:59
I like that.
31:00
No.
31:00
Yeah.
31:01
Maybe.
31:17
It's like this and that.
31:19
Like, everything is so black and white, and that's, like, the nature of duality.
31:22
I heard this amazing quote today on the drive here that the stars in the sky shine brighter
31:29
because they're surrounded by darkness.
31:31
Yeah.
31:32
And it's like, really need the darkness to experience the light.
31:36
You need a fear to experience the love.
31:38
Mhmm.
31:39
You need the jealousy to be able to experience the the celebration and the connection as you
31:45
so beautifully shared.
31:46
Your story earlier.
31:48
It's like, it's it's all part of the same experience.
31:52
Now you're
31:52
talking about our shadow.
31:53
Our shadow, ours like the cock for the weekend.
31:56
Wow.
31:56
Yeah.
31:56
I don't know if we have time for that.
31:58
Hey, what's up?
31:58
What's up?
31:59
But yeah.
32:01
It it is like the the thing I'll say on that is it's like the fundamental principle of Chinese
32:06
medicine, of Taoism is like the Taiji symbol, the yin yang symbol, where you see like the
32:12
white and then it goes into the black, but in the white swirl, there's a black dot.
32:17
In the black swirl, there's a white dot.
32:19
And black is representing more the night, the yin.
32:24
The white's representing more the day, the yang.
32:27
But the idea is, like, in anything in life, there's always that moment of, like, that
32:32
darkness or there's always that moment of the light, which is exactly what you're saying.
32:35
It's like that's that concept is deep in a lot of our wisdom traditions.
32:42
Yeah.
32:43
No.
32:43
I think you
32:44
need to update I need to update my mirror sticky as a yin and yang with love and fear as
32:51
like Yeah.
32:53
Two piece of
32:53
I liked it.
32:54
I really liked what it oh, I said, I'm not I'm not a fan of I will riff it up.
32:59
The second I get in my head, was gonna ask you to repeat it.
33:01
Was like, I
33:01
wanna write that down.
33:02
Oh.
33:02
I was more just like, I don't think I was more on it's I because I I do believe it's a choice,
33:07
and what do we wanna choose.
33:08
I just don't think it's wrong or To feel it.
33:10
To to to if if if the decision was in the past to choose fear.
33:14
It's not wrong.
33:15
Yeah.
33:15
I like
33:15
that.
33:15
It's part of human.
33:16
Very competitive.
33:17
The opportunity is what do we do from there.
33:20
Yep.
33:21
So my other question, ladies, is while we're talking about this concept of let's use
33:28
pleasure and orgasms to help us with jealousy or emotions, how have you ladies between our
33:34
relationships, like when you've been single?
33:38
How have you and I know it's been longer for, you know, some people than others, but how how
33:42
have you found that you've been able to stoke your libido?
33:46
Or even in in times where I because I think in relationships, it ebbs and flows, and sometimes
33:51
there can be situations and relationships where that that's not happening with a partner.
33:57
So in either scenario, like, where it's like just the any scenario in life, I guess, is what
34:02
I'm saying, where there's not that reliability of that partner to kind of keep that spark
34:09
going, how have you found within yourselves to keep your libido going?
34:15
Have you found any tricks or tools?
34:19
Well, this is true, I think, whether I'm in a relationship or not, but I really value
34:28
masturbation, just ask.
34:30
And I'm aware of how this would sound differently if I were a man saying this exact
34:36
same thing, but I'm pretty good at masturbating, And I feel like I give myself a
34:41
different orgasm no matter what, even if my partner is, like, so dialed and really can make
34:49
me orgasm to the max, it's still different than the like very relaxed masturbation that I give
34:59
myself.
34:59
And and now being a person with a small child at home, even though I'm in a monogamous
35:05
relationship, like long term relationship, we don't have as much sex as we would like to.
35:09
Yeah.
35:09
And so we have to sneak those little bits in too, right, of like self pleasure and and
35:16
staying in that like yummy, sensual pleasure place.
35:23
Right?
35:24
Or, like, places that I might get that to that's not sexual, but still makes me feel,
35:29
like, sexy and alive, like like going dancing, for example, which is inherently maybe not a
35:35
sexual experience, but it makes me, like, helps my libido stay stay higher.
35:42
Mhmm.
35:43
Yeah.
35:43
Mhmm.
35:44
Yeah.
35:44
Is it good?
35:45
Hear, hear.
35:45
Yeah?
35:47
Maybe that?
35:48
Well, I would agree with that for myself, certainly.
35:52
Like, developing a very consistent and enjoyable self pleasure practice has been a
36:00
huge component of keeping my libido high.
36:03
I'm also in a long term monogamous relationship, and there's cycles, and there are
36:09
seasons of more sex, more intimacy, less sex, less intimacy, and at least in my relationship,
36:19
it's about really landing into those seasons.
36:23
And I have to I have to keep this in check for myself too because I can get into, again, that
36:29
comparison mode of like, oh, we used to do this this way, or we used to do this so much more
36:35
frequently, and because I'm measuring myself now against what used to be, I can get into
36:41
these cycles of feeling like, oh, it's it's not as good, it's not as enjoyable, it's not what I
36:46
desire, and what I'm really learning to practice at this stage in my life is leaning
36:51
into all the yumminess of just what is and what I'm creating now and not having what I used to
36:58
experience be the, again, the the defining thing.
37:01
So in my partnership, really really learning to love the the subtleties of intimacy that is not
37:11
just penetration.
37:13
Like, I have learned to redefine sex for myself and within my partnership where having sex is
37:22
not just being penetrated.
37:23
And it's taken me a really long time to get there, but even just in redefining what that
37:28
means for myself, it allows me to enjoy in such a greater, more deep way the ways that my
37:35
partner and I do share time together and do express intimacy.
37:39
And I would say that having that part of our sensual relationship evolve where it's like,
37:46
even just sensual massage if we're just sitting on the couch watching TV and we're, like,
37:50
giving each other a hand massage or a foot massage, like, that is so sexually fulfilling
37:55
for me where I don't necessarily, like, need to feel like, oh, because it's it's okay that
38:02
we're not having sex in this moment, you know, like, doesn't have to be about that.
38:05
Mhmm.
38:06
That's beautiful.
38:07
Yeah.
38:07
Yeah.
38:08
I think for me too, the sex I don't necessarily have to have an orgasm too.
38:17
Like, you were talking about the journey.
38:18
Right?
38:18
It's not just about getting to the end.
38:20
Like, I can have wonderful sex and never have an orgasm the whole time.
38:24
Right?
38:24
And and how can that be part of our lives too, right?
38:29
Like, love that that intimacy, which leads to better sex, right, when you when you do get to
38:35
have sex and you've had all these intimate moments building up to it Right.
38:38
I think it enhances that too.
38:40
Absolutely.
38:40
Yeah.
38:41
Yeah.
38:41
It's like it's like living in foreplay.
38:45
Right?
38:46
Yeah.
38:48
It's kinda fun to think about.
38:50
Mhmm.
38:51
Yeah.
38:52
Yeah.
38:52
I I just wanted to comment real fast.
38:54
I asked this question when in leading a live workshop, how do you find define sex?
39:02
And everybody in the chat was penetration, penetration, penetration, intercourse,
39:06
penetration, penetration.
39:08
And that was actually one of my my teaching points because I think it's so important.
39:12
So I just wanted to name that around, like, like, the more that I think we can get away
39:17
from this is the way Yeah.
39:19
Sex has to look and take like, it takes so much pressure off, it takes so much anxiety off.
39:25
I think it, like, can help in situations where there's erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness
39:30
or just people are missing each other or there's overwhelm or so many things.
39:34
But if we can, like, open that to be like, yeah, that is wonderful.
39:37
But there's all these other ways that we can sexually connect and share this space.
39:42
And I just I think it can change everything, that just that little orientation.
39:47
Yeah.
39:47
Yeah.
39:47
Totally.
39:48
Totally.
39:49
It's huge.
39:50
Yeah.
39:51
How about you?
39:52
Like, what
39:53
are what are some of your secrets?
39:54
Yeah.
39:55
Well, mean, I'm appreciating hearing and, like, agreeing with what everyone's saying.
40:00
And as someone who tends to have long periods of being single and so not with a sexual
40:06
partner, and as someone who would identify as a pretty sexual person, it's an interesting
40:13
journey of, okay, how do I be with the libido?
40:16
How do I be with my sexual energy?
40:18
Sometimes I have found in the past, and I've orienting currently differently to this, but
40:23
one of my struggles has been I'm always been like, wow.
40:26
It'd just be so everything would be so much easier if I was having sex right now so I
40:30
could have that release, I
40:31
could have that contact around, you know, my creativity.
40:36
And so so how do I be with my sexual energy and move it through me and can have a release and
40:45
masturbate an orgasm, or could I use I've been used doing this more in the last couple months.
40:51
Can I can I tap into that energy and cultivate something and create something from it?
40:55
But that's not always been the easiest practice.
40:57
Typically, it's been a lot of self pleasure and masturbation.
41:00
For me, that's been a huge part, and I think a huge I've had so many very beautiful, profound,
41:08
deeply healing, like, whole spectrum.
41:10
I mean, it sounds wild, but I remember one self pleasure session, and I was like, oh, this is
41:15
coming up, but I felt like I was, like, doing deep ancestral healing for the my whole
41:19
matriarchal lineage of women who weren't allowed to feel pleasure for pleasure's sake.
41:25
And so I know that's not the question, so I don't know why that came up, but but I think
41:30
for somebody who has had lots of sense of being single and keeping connection with my
41:35
sensuality and sexuality is a very important thing to me.
41:38
And so, yeah, I used to have, like, a regular self pleasured practice.
41:43
Like, it was a big part of, like, my like, you would think a daily meditation.
41:48
I'm not currently in that in that phase where, like, that's, like, an intentional thing I'm
41:54
doing to move things through, but it's it's just more organic.
41:59
But I love that you said dancing.
42:01
I think dancing is huge.
42:02
Honestly, too, for me, like, to keep what keeps my libido high is moving my freaking body,
42:08
like, training.
42:09
When I'm regularly consistently doing some sort of strength training movement regimen, and for
42:15
me, that literally feels like I'm juicing my body.
42:19
I'm juicing my fascia.
42:21
I'm moving my joints through full range of motion under load.
42:25
That turns me on.
42:26
Yeah.
42:26
I get very turned on by that, and that keeps, you know, then there's, like, more circulation,
42:31
more blood flow pulsing through my system physiologically.
42:35
It helps me feel much more sensual, sexual, connected to my libido, whether I'm single,
42:43
whether I'm with a partner.
42:46
Yeah.
42:46
And that's like what you were talking about.
42:48
Right?
42:48
The pleasure for the sake of it and and not being sexual and, like, the hug that you were
42:54
talking about.
42:54
Like, if I get a lot of good yummy hugs from my friends that in not in a sexual way, but like
43:00
that enhances my libido just because I feel ye good in my body, right, and mackely.
43:05
Probably just need to more hug, touch each other more platonically, but Pleasure wise.
43:11
Let's see.
43:12
Exactly.
43:13
Yeah.
43:15
I think females, like, that's one thing of I there's just so much more of a tendency, I
43:20
think, in for females to, like, rely on each other that way, and it's not, I think, a common
43:25
thing for men in our society.
43:28
I don't really know what my point of that is just other than just the need for the awareness
43:33
of, you know, way of bringing this pleasure into life.
43:36
And like you, I have found that movement is one of the biggest things like snowboarding,
43:43
running, lifting, dancing, you know, our sensual dance classes, pole dancing, like,
43:49
anything that gets me into my body and into the flow state.
43:52
And then Yeah.
43:53
And then, like, the the last thing I'll say is just that, like, I have to give a shout out to
43:57
masturbation too.
43:58
Because, like,
44:00
that's obviously obviously really important.
44:03
So it's like but for sure, yeah.
44:06
What were you gonna say?
44:07
Well, just
44:07
you saying central dance, I just wanna say one brief thing because that feels so important.
44:10
And I so I won't go into all of it, but we Diamond and I used to be a very huge part of
44:15
our regular practice.
44:16
It was a form of movement called centrally embodied dance.
44:19
But basically, just saying this because if any listener like, I think you could just the
44:22
importance of turning on a song that feels yummy, maybe sexy to you, and how does in in
44:28
dim lights, ideally, just do this first with yourself, could be with a partner, but, like,
44:32
how does your body wanna And I think that that's a question that we don't often invite
44:37
for ourselves of how does my body wanna move?
44:40
What would feel so yummy?
44:41
What would feel so sexy for me?
44:44
I think that's a big key in keeping our libido strong and keeping our connection with our own
44:50
sexuality and sensuality in any phase.
44:53
Right?
44:53
Because it will change and ebb and shift, and that feels important to, like, stay in
44:57
connection.
44:58
Yeah.
44:58
And and can be simple.
45:00
This doesn't necessarily mean it's easy practice, but it can be so simple.
45:04
Mhmm.
45:04
Yeah.
45:05
That's my plug for Yeah.
45:06
Dance.
45:06
Something you can do when you're at home and living yeah.
45:08
That all our flies.
45:09
Stupid ass sex or whatever you wanna do after.
45:13
It's great foreplay.
45:14
Yeah.
45:15
Something else I wanna mention too, Ruby, something you had said made me think of this.
45:20
Sexual energy is very similar to creative energy.
45:25
Right?
45:25
And so, like, sexual energy or or having sex, designed for procreation.
45:30
Right?
45:30
Like, bring bringing humans into the world.
45:32
Well, creative energy, like, you can birth other things into existence just through your
45:37
creative pursuits.
45:39
And so I think that at different stages in our life, it ebbs and flows.
45:43
Sometimes we might be more in that, like, sexual frequency, and other times, we're in
45:48
that more creative frequency in our lives, in our business, designing our houses, being with
45:53
our children, what have you, and that that is just as important and as valuable as being very
46:01
sexual.
46:01
Totally.
46:02
And linking that to making that distinction for an individual of, oh, this is how I'm being
46:07
creative, and can feel the sexualness around that even if it's not a sexy act?
46:13
Yeah.
46:13
Because that makes it feel more delicious.
46:15
Mhmm.
46:15
Mhmm.
46:16
And, Diane, you and I talked about this years ago, the the transmutation of sexual energy
46:20
and, like, when to harness it versus, like, whole