Latest / The Daily Sarcast / October 16th, 2026: Older Women Need More Companionship, Kimberly Guilfoyle And Topher Is Feeling Old

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October 16th, 2026: Older Women Need More Companionship, Kimberly Guilfoyle And Topher Is Feeling Old · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Do you want to date that shady guy from the bar that doesn't have a job?
• 0:04
  About to send an email to your boss telling them how much they suck?
• 0:07
  Thinking of texting your ex?
• 0:09
  Before you do anything, open Regretflix. Type in your burning desire and instantly
• 0:15
  stream the whole disaster.
• 0:16
  From, hey stranger, you up?
• 0:18
  To, you stole my air fryer, asshole.
• 0:21
  Watch your terrible idea play out. Then close the app and make a better decision.
• 0:26
  Regretflix. for when you know you shouldn't do that thing that you really want to do.
• 0:49
  I don't do this with men very often. I started examining his body, and I looked at his ass.
• 0:57
  Our definitely heterosexual commander-in-chief about Senator John Husted on October 12th.
• 1:03
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Sarcast. I give you the news, and maybe a laugh.
• 1:08
  I'm Topher Aston, and today is Friday, October 16th, 2026.
• 1:13
  Hi everyone, it's good to be back at the Sarcast so Lindsay can have another
• 1:17
  Friday off, and I get an outlet to sprinkle my brain droppings upon the unsuspecting public.
• 1:22
  It also allows me to live out my childhood dream of being a host for Weekend Update on SNL.
• 1:28
  You know, somebody actually once told me I'm like the poor man's Colin Jost.
• 1:32
  I was like, why can't I be the poor man's Michael Che, racist?
• 1:36
  And that person was me. I'm a work in progress.
• 1:39
  In real news, Kimberly Guilfoyle, best known as Don Jr.'s ex-fiancée,
• 1:45
  a former Fox News host and a woman who treats every microphone like it owes
• 1:49
  her money, has resigned as the U.S.
• 1:52
  Ambassador to Greece after Trump asked her to step down.
• 1:56
  Apparently, even this administration has a return policy.
• 1:59
  The Wall Street Journal reports she asked Eric Dieters, a Trump supporter and
• 2:04
  former Kentucky congressional candidate, to pay her $100,000 Amex bill while
• 2:10
  offering to help with his tax and legal problems.
• 2:13
  She denies wrongdoing, and when politicians say that, we know they're telling the truth.
• 2:19
  But this resume already had some warning labels.
• 2:22
  In 2020, Politico reported staff departures, inexperienced hires,
• 2:28
  and spending complaints in her campaign fundraising operation.
• 2:32
  Naturally, somebody looked at that management record and said, give her an embassy.
• 2:37
  Then there's Fox News. The New Yorker reported Fox forced her out and subsequently
• 2:43
  paid more than $4 million to
• 2:47
  settle a former assistant's sexual harassment allegations involving her.
• 2:52
  Again, Guilfoyle denied misconduct.
• 2:56
  Getting pushed out of Fox over workplace behavior is like getting banned from
• 3:00
  Spirit Airlines for making the flight unpleasant.
• 3:04
  And that's the resume we exported to Greece. They gave us democracy,
• 3:08
  we gave them a messy collections problem.
• 3:11
  NBC is reporting on older women moving in with friends to save money and avoid living alone.
• 3:17
  A 2024 AARP survey found that 57% of women over 50 and over would consider living
• 3:25
  with a friend as they age.
• 3:28
  I assume the other 43% have already been on vacation with their friends, I don't know.
• 3:32
  Straight people call this an emerging housing trend gay men call it the plan
• 3:38
  we've spent decades watching the golden girls and we've been taking notes.
• 3:43
  But you have to cast the house carefully. Everyone thinks they're Blanche.
• 3:48
  Until somebody leaves a dish in the sink, then suddenly it's a house full of Dorothy's.
• 3:53
  Honestly, I think I'm Sophia, not just because I'm a bitch, but because I'm
• 3:58
  older than most of my friends, and also because I'm a bitch.
• 4:02
  Obviously, Lindsay is Rose, because Betty White wasn't a natural blonde either.
• 4:07
  So the benefits of this arrangement are real. Shared bills, companionship,
• 4:11
  somebody to eat dinner with.
• 4:13
  Who doesn't want a lanai, cheesecake, and three friends who understand that
• 4:16
  when I put my caftan on, it means I am done for the day.
• 4:21
  Next news story. A biotech company says it's making progress towards bringing
• 4:26
  back the dodo bird, the flightless bird humans drove to extinction more than 350 years ago.
• 4:33
  Because apparently we are doing reboots of animals now.
• 4:37
  The Dallas-based Colossal Biosciences announced a new AI tool called a genomorph
• 4:44
  to help identify genetic changes linked to the dodo's distinctive beak and skull.
• 4:49
  The plan is to introduce dodo traits into cells from its closest living relative, the Nicobar pigeon.
• 4:57
  So the pigeon has been cast as the dodo. Honestly, good for them.
• 5:02
  Most actors can't get an audition to place someone that already exist,
• 5:07
  so I need the name of their agent.
• 5:09
  Now, they haven't hatched a dodo yet. Scientists still have to test which genetic
• 5:14
  changes actually work, and the company hasn't announced a hatching date.
• 5:18
  So, right now, it's a very ambitious production with a named pigeon attached and no start date.
• 5:26
  I am familiar with that career. The company is also working on bringing back
• 5:31
  the woolly mammoth, and the Tasmanian tiger.
• 5:34
  So it's kind of cool and scary at the same time.
• 5:37
  At this point, I think Jurassic Park and Michael Crichton should really be getting consulting fees.
• 5:43
  Topher's life update.
• 5:46
  This week, I am feeling like the oldest person in the world.
• 5:51
  I recently was hanging out with Lindsay and made a reference to a movie that
• 5:57
  I thought everyone must have seen, the original Cruel Intentions,
• 6:01
  with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Reese Witherspoon and Brian Philippe.
• 6:07
  Lindsay looked at me like I was an alien.
• 6:10
  And I was like, you know, Cruel Intentions? And she was like,
• 6:14
  I don't even know what you're talking about.
• 6:16
  So yeah, that really dated me, and I am learning to live with just being the Sophia of the group.
• 6:24
  Friday's MVP of the week.
• 6:26
  Our MVPs of the week are the beavers of Lubleniek, Poland.
• 6:31
  Foresters put up a sign that read, Warning! Damage caused by beavers.
• 6:36
  That's a rough translation.
• 6:38
  So the beavers actually chewed through the wooden post and brought the sign
• 6:42
  down and used it for building a dam or something.
• 6:45
  They saw the negative press and immediately took down the outlet.
• 6:49
  No statement, no lawsuit. They didn't waste time denying allegations.
• 6:54
  They just ate the supporting evidence.
• 6:57
  Kimberly Guilfoyle, take notes. This is how you eliminate a paper trail.
• 7:02
  So that's why we're naming them our MVPs of the week.
• 7:05
  Feedback, comments, questions? Nice Jewish boy looking for a date?
• 7:10
  Email lindsay at thedailysarcast.com. Thanks for listening to my episode of
• 7:14
  The Daily Sarcast. I'm Topher Aston, and you can find me on Instagram at Topher Aston.
• 7:19
  The Second City Level 5 Improv is having a show October 27th at 7pm in the Second City Black Box Theater.
• 7:26
  Tickets are only $10, which you can purchase directly on thesecondcity.com.
• 7:31
  It's going to be a lot of fun, especially if you have a couple cocktails first,
• 7:34
  and there is a bar there, so you don't have to go far.
• 7:37
  Don't forget to tune in Monday for another amazing episode of The Daily Sarcast.