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Will No Contact Work On A Stubborn Ex? · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  So your ex is stubborn and you're afraid they're not going
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  to reach out during no contact, or they have too much pride or
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  their ego is too big? Well, have I got news for you?
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  There's something that overrides all of those things.
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  It's stronger than stubbornness, pride, ego, and no, it's not
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  interest level. I know if you'd listen to me
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  before, you're like, oh, she's going to talk about interest
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  level. No, no, no, this is about
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  biology. That's right.
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  What do I mean? Well, stay tuned and you'll find
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  out. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
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  of Love. I'm dating and relationship
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  experts specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful No
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  Contact Army. Have you been a good little
• 0:53
  soldier? If you have, you've stayed in no
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  contact of course, and you've downloaded my app, Silencio, and
• 1:00
  the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 1:04
  And if you too would like to join our army, just hit the
• 1:07
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:11
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
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  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
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  OK, so stubbornness comes from the ego.
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  A stubborn personality says things like, well, I'm not
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  texting first, I'm standing my ground, I'm not going to break.
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  They can wait. I'm not admitting of them is
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  wrong. But here's the thing,
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  stubbornness is cognitive. It lives in the prefrontal
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  cortex. The I've decided I'm not doing
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  this part of the brain. However, attachment activation
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  is physiological. It lives in the body and the
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  body always wins. They cannot stubborn their way
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  out of contacting you, their nervous system simply won't
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  allow it. And once attachment activates,
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  the body begins to send distress signals.
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  These aren't thoughts, these are full body responses, stress
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  responses. Eventually they're going to feel
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  longing, which means they're going to experience things like
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  increased cortisol, elevated heart rate at night, difficulty
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  sleeping. This is when you get we get
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  those sleepless nights, mental loops that they can't stop being
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  irritable, intrusive thoughts, anxiety.
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  You can override a thought. You cannot override your nervous
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  system. The nervous system always wins.
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  That's why even the most controlled, disciplined,
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  emotionally shut down people eventually reach out.
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  How do we know that? Because stubborn people
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  eventually cry. Stubborn people eventually
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  apologize. Stubborn people eventually call.
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  They eventually fold. They eventually reveal feelings
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  they swore they never show. The nervous system overrides
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  ego, which is good news for you. So you're not depending on their
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  willpower, you're depending on biology.
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  Being stubborn only works in situations where they're not
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  that emotionally invested, or their ego feels superior, or
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  they don't see long term value in you or the relationship.
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  Their interest is low, of course.
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  I was going to mention that their attachment has not been
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  activated. There's nothing at stake.
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  So they feel like, well, there's nothing to lose, So what do I
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  care? And also, if they know that you
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  are eventually going to chase, so if you were anxious in the
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  relationship, you always run after them no matter what, then
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  they don't need to be stubborn because they know I'll hear from
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  them eventually, which is why it's so important to stay in no
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  contact. So in those situations, being
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  stubborn is easy because the emotional stakes are low.
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  However, when feelings are involved, the personality
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  cracks. Think of the strongest, most
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  prideful men. Mob bosses, ex military alpha
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  males, hypermasculine guys, men who never apologize.
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  Every single one of them breaks when emotion plus attachment
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  plus shame collide. Pride doesn't protect you from
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  attachment. If anything, it makes the
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  emotional crash even harder. Now.
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  Stubborn people shut down emotions, but they don't erase
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  them. A stubborn person doesn't arrive
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  above feeling guilty, longing, afraid.
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  They're just delaying the feeling.
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  Eventually the body says enough, fix this.
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  Now every style, every attachment style breaks.
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  But the mechanism that breaks it is different.
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  So let's go through the different attachment style.
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  So let's go with secure. About 50% of the population is
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  secure. So they don't really want to be
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  stubborn because they don't like the tension and they value
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  connection. They want emotional clarity.
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  And so they reach out because it feels healthier.
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  Their logic overrides everything.
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  They think this is dumb. Let me just reach out so there's
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  no ego war, There's no push pull.
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  Their body doesn't even need to override anything because their
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  logic does. Anxious, which if you're
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  listening to this, you're probably anxious.
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  I find most people who listen and are trying to get an X back
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  are anxious now. They break because the panic
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  becomes unbearable. The uncertainty makes them
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  physically uncomfortable. Their nervous system cannot sit
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  with silence and uncertainty. As I'm sure you well know, the
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  fear of abandonment triggers compulsion, and they actually
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  physically feel sick if they try to hold out.
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  So their body overrides pride and stubbornness very quickly,
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  within hours or days, to relieve the panic.
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  So this is the fastest override style.
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  Dismissives, as you may have guessed, hold out the longest,
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  but eventually the absence starts to feel hollow, and that
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  familiar comfort in distance becomes uncomfortable.
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  Curiosity creeps in. Their ego wants to restore
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  harmony. So in this case, their rational
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  mind wins, not their emotions. Dismissives stay gone the
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  longest, but they come back when it makes logical sense because
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  they think, well, this is inefficient.
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  I want clarity. They calculate the cost benefit
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  and decide to reconnect on their terms so their body doesn't take
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  over, but their logic does. Now the fearful avoidant, which
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  I know most of you are dating, it seems this is the style where
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  stubbornness has the least power, the body overrides
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  everything the hardest. And why is that?
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  Because fearful avoidance have avoidant defenses which protect,
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  but they have anxious wiring underneath which panics, and
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  they have shame sensitivity and intense attachment needs and
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  fear of abandonment and fear of closeness and emotional
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  dysregulation. So this all builds up and builds
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  up until the system cracks. So silence hits them the hardest
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  physiologically. That's why they can go from zero
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  to 60 emotionally with no warning, which is good for you
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  if you're dating an FA. So even people who are stubborn
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  as hell eventually call, text, apologize, break, crack, reach
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  out, cave, soften, admit they messed up because the body
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  forces movement when the emotional pressure gets too
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  high. Personalities are stubborn,
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  Attachment systems are not. Attachment moons always override
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  ego logic and once the emotional pressure crosses A threshold,
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  even the strongest ego runs out of fuel.
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  Eventually the body says I am the captain now and makes them
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  reach out. Isn't that great?
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  So stubbornness may delay contact but it cannot prevent
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  it. OK so now I want to hear from
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  you. Are you still concerned that
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  your ex is stubborn and won't reach out?
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  Or do you now feel better after hearing why stubbornness will
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  not stop them from reaching out? Comment below and if you would
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  like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
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  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 9:11
  They are not on the website and the direct link is underneath
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  every single video and podcast. If you found this video helpful,
• 9:19
  hit the subscribe button. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:22
  podcast, also hit the subscribe button so you don't miss future
• 9:25
  episodes. And finally, remember, love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.