Latest / Ela's Got the Tea / My Daughter Isn't Going to That Funeral.
Transcript
- Ela's Got the Tea: Today we have a woman who wants to go to the funeral of someone she's basically destroyed. A widower gets yelled at for cleaning his own house. And a twelve year old is told she has to make a phone call she really, really doesn't want to make. Hello my beautiful tea leaves. Welcome to Ella's Got the Tea. I'm Ella, your host, your mom friend, the person who reads you inner the internet's messiest drama, so you don't have to go digging for it yourself. If you're new here, the deal is simple. I'm a mom. Life is already chaotic. So I pour a cup and we get into other people's chaos together. Real stories, straight from the source. Now before we start, this month I'm steeping something soft. A vanilla pear white tea. Now, white tea is one of the gentlest teas on the shelf. Young tea leaves, low caffeine, a cup of pure kindness. Mm. Smells so good. It's a little sweet. a hints of white floral and just a tad bit of pear. And honestly, just tastes right for September. Okay, so grab your cup. Let me pour. And let's get into it. Our first sip comes straight from r/slash am I the asshole. Am I the asshole for making my kid call the coach to tell him that she is quitting? My kid is a quitter. She wants to try a sport, realizes she doesn't like it, and then wants to quit. This happens with basically everything she tried. Hobbies, commitments, and so on. It is a frustrating habit that I can't get her to kick. If I force her to keep doing the activity, then it is a miserable time for everyone. She has a big su stubborn streak and will try to make it everyone's problem. If I force her to keep doing the activity, then it is a miserable time for everyone. She has a big stubborn streak and will try to make it everyone's problem. I have forced her to finish things before. It is just not a fun time for anyone. My daughter is twelve. And wanted to join cross country for the summer. Well, now that it's hot, she doesn't wish to do it anymore. That's the reason that she gave. And wishes to quit the team. I told her no and that it will get cooler, but she admits she's done. Yesterday night for practice was not fun. She complained constantly and forgot her water, but luckily. A friend had some extra. I told her that if she wants to quit, and then she can call the coach's number and tell him herself. She hates talking on the phone, some anxiety with it, and refuses to call him. I kind of want to t touch back on that. That has been the running deal and she is upset. My ex is kinda pissed at me. my ex is kinda pissed at me for this and is claiming I am being a dick and just to let her quit. And I can call the coach's number instead of making my kid do it. Overall top comments landed on not the asshole. You're teaching your kid how to be an adult. And honestly, I agree. But I I want to add a couple of things here. Something most of the commenters missed is this isn't a story about quitting. Quitting is deciding and honestly fine. Opie's daughter is twelve. That is a pivotal that is a pivotal point in our development into adulthood. She's learning who she is. And honestly, trying out a sport during the summer and figuring out you hated, not fun. But the real story is a parent teaching one of the most single, most valuable skills there is. And that is doing things that are uncomfortable. Because a lot of the comments that I read through turned OP story into a thing about generational issues. How kids these days don't know how to use a telephone. Everything everything's texting. Everything's done via computer. And that is true, but I want to push back on that. I actually do still make phone calls at my job. They're just in a different guise. I have weekly calls with my team via Zoom. Not exactly on the phone, but it is in a somewhat similar setup, just with a webcam and my handy dandy mic. But one thing Op comments on as well is This concept of phone anxiety. And phone anxiety is real. On a call, you lose every visual cue. No face, no nod. No facial tells. So you're talking into a void, and an anxious brain can fill that void with the worst possible things. Which means that the rug OP picked as the gentle one happens to be the exact one his kid can't reach. That doesn't mean move the rug, it means stand with her while she climbs through it. Let her decide what she's going to say. Rehearse it, sit beside her, and just be with her basically. She still makes the call. She's just not alone in a room when she does it. And that's the difference between raising someone and rescuing them, which is what OP's ex would prefer. Having OP make that call for their daughter doesn't really help her. So she does quit everything and OP is right that there's something there. But there are two possibilities and they look identical from the outside. One is a kid who's scared because anxiety about being instantly good at things starts young. And quitting before you can visibly fail is the safest way to never fail. The other is a kid who tried a thing and generally didn't enjoy it, which again at twelve isn't a character flaw. This is again a rather Pivotal points into adulthood. Overall, just like the common said, OP you are not the a hole. You're making her call and that is the absolute right path to go. And then sit down and ask her why and let the answer matter. Don't just dismiss it. Try to connect on her level. And maybe you can get to the root cause of why she does quit and work from there. Okay. Whew, that was a bit of an intense sip. So how about we move into our next steep. All right. This is gonna be an this is gonna be a spicy one. I recommend you guys take a big sip, because this one's strong. Before I start, I do want to provide a trigger warning for cheating and death. If you want to skip to the next story or the end, timestamps are at the bottom. OP writes, Am I the asshole for telling my daughter she doesn't have the right to mourn or go to her ex-friend's funeral after what she did? New account since my daughter does know my other account. When my daughter was in school, she became friends with a girl named Kelly. They stayed close through college, and my daughter was even one of Kelly's bridesmaids when she got married. To explain where my daughter's behavior came from, my ex husband cheated on me repeatedly, and our marriage ended horribly. My daughter doesn't speak to her father anymore, and she absolutely despises cheating. About seven years ago, my daughter became convinced that Kelly was cheating on her husband. She started harassing Kelly online, essentially blew up her life. By the time my daughter found out that the man she had seen Kelly with was actually a relative, they were at a fancy restaurant together, it was too late. Kelly's marriage had already fallen apart. And because we live in a very religious community, she was ostracized by many people. They had a huge falling out, and it basically came down to my daughter ruining Kelly's life. Kelly blocked her on everything and eventually moved away. Kelly hated my daughter after that, and so did her mother. I still run into Kelly's mother occasionally, and she has made her feelings. About my daughter, very clear. The issue is that Kelly recently passed away. My daughter found out through a Facebook post, and the funeral is this weekend, two states away. My daughter is planning to attend the funeral, and I told her that I thought it was a terrible idea. She said she needed to go, and I told her again that she shouldn't. We got into an argument, and she said she had every right to mourn her friend. And attend the funeral. I told her that she didn't really have the right to mourn Kelly or go to the funeral because Kelly hated her after everything that happened. And because my daughter dis had destroyed her life. I told her that she really didn't have the right to mourn Kelly or go to the funeral because Kelly hated her after everything that happened and because my daughter had destroyed her life. She hasn't spoken to me since. Now I'm wondering if I should warn Kelly's family that my daughter might show up at the funeral, or that I might be in the wrong. Or She hasn't spoken to me since. Now I'm wondering if I should warn Kelly's family that my daughter might show up at the funeral, or that I might be in the wrong here. Commenters are united on this one. One commenter put it perfectly. She can mourn if she wants, but not at the funeral. There's a time and place, and that ain't it. And a bunch of other commenters commented on agreeing that OP should warn the family, and that the only actual A-holes here are the daughter. And unfortunately the community that ostracized Kelly. Clearly, regardless if Kelly was cheating or not, OP's daughter, if she was a true friend, should have spoken to her first. But instead her actions led to a w a woman whose life whose whole life was just torched on nothing but rumor. And there was no proof that destroyed her. It was just a whisper. And by the time the truth came out, she was having She was eating at a fancy restaurant with a relative, which Honestly, is there's no issue with that. I've had fancy I've been to fancy restaurants with an uncle, mostly the ones that they work at, and it's kind of in that same boat. But by the time the truth was revealed, Kelly was already ostracized. And this is something that happens to women a lot. The whole not believing us a lot of women all women hate. But and that's a different story. Okay, let me rephrase that. Hmm. so clearly, regardless if Kelly was cheating or not, OP's daughter should have spoken to her first. If she was a true friend, that would have been the first step. But instead, the action she took led to a woman's whole life being torched on nothing but a rumor. It didn't take any proof. To destroy her. It was just a whisper on an audience that was already ready to believe the worst about her. And I do want to touch on that because this is something that unfortunately women do have to deal with. And it's it's really worth saying out loud. Now, to OP. As I mentioned, Reddit and commenters concluded that you're not the asshole. And that's not the point here. I'm gonna be gentle about your daughter because people don't detonate someone's life over over nothing unless something inside them is very, very loud. So I really, really hope your daughter is able to seek the guidance she seeks. She needs. She might not be fully over the cheating your ex has done. But Going to someone else's funeral when they clearly had a falling out with you and their family still has very specific feelings about you. Sweetie, that is not the way to go. A funeral is not for the dead, but for the living. Kelly's funeral is for her loved ones. If OP's daughter was really remorseful, she should start with her family. And as OP has already mentioned in the story, she does speak from Kelly's mom time to time, so she knows how deeply wounded they still are. Furthermore, touching back to the deep wounds that OP's daughter is dealing with, have you actually spoken to your daughter about the relationship you had with her father? How his cheating affected her, or more so what she experienced from how it affected you? Those are some things that you should definitely steep in to maybe guide your daughter towards the right path, towards a path of healing. But overall. You would not be in the wrong for war for warning the family. Quietly, of course, and kindly, one message. Not stir the pot, but the opposite. So a grieving family doesn't get ambushed by a person who has caused so much pain. That's not just protecting their peace, but also your daughters. And Yeah, I think I need a moment to just steep that one in. All right. Okay. Now let's get to our last leaf. So the last sip of the of the day. Am I the asshole for telling my kids they can go get their mother's stuff at the local Goodwill? So this one also has a trigger warning for death and grief of a spouse. If you want to skip to the end, timestamps are down below. I lost my spouse around a year ago. It was ongoing and I knew it was coming. All of the kids are grown and out of the home. It's been a rough year and living in a home filled with their stuff has been getting too much. It makes me depressed. It is like living in a museum that I never can get away from. I didn't realize how bad it was until I left. To visit family and I didn't want to come home. I have to live there, and I decided that I want to clean it out and not make it a museum of the dead. I did keep a few things that are sentimental, but I don't need to see my spouse's shoes at the front door or all of the clothes that won't get worn again. I packed up a few boxes of what I wanted to keep. And told my kids to come over and get anything of their mothers. They never came. I told them again. I'm going I told them I'm going to toss, donate their mother's stuff, and still they did not come over. I did this for about a month before I started to even move stuff to the garage. Around two weeks ago, I started the long process. Getting rid of a lot of her things. The house is much nicer, and I don't dread coming home to it anymore. I was avoiding it by going to the bar after work, but now I don't have to. The issue is my daughter came over yesterday to pick up something, to pick up some decorations for a party. She got very upset when she saw the house and started yelling at me for getting rid of their mom's stuff. I reminded her I was doing that and I told everyone multiple times. She apparently didn't think I was serious about it and was pissed. The rest of the kids are pissed that I got rid of her stuff. That they denied them getting stuff from their mothers. Again, I told them at least fifteen times to come get anything they wanted. I even told them when I was starting to pack up I even told them when I s was starting to pack it up to donate. I told them to go to the local Goodwill for her stuff because that is where I base where I where I put basically everything. I told them to go to the local Goodwill for her stuff because that is where I put basically everything. They got more pissed saying they shouldn't have to pay for her shit. I reminded them I gave them plenty of time to come get things. I didn't hide this. I was very clear about this. They are still pissed. Okay, so diving into the comments, the two comments two comments grabbed me right away. One commenter wrote, You gave them multiple chances. At some point, I'll do it later, becomes I choose not to. And another comment which I think sums up everything perfectly. This the aloneness is the part that deserves more attention. He spent a year in a museum of his dead wife, drinking after work to avoid coming home, while asking for help fifteen times. The kids weren't malicious, they were avoiding. Walking into that house hurt too much, but avoidance has cost. And theirs landed on the person living inside the exhibit. Okay. So Like I said, this one is also pretty heavy. Take a breath. At the of the day, this story isn't about stuff. Of course it's not. But when you look into the details that OP has provided, they gave their kids a month warning that this was their plan. And This actually spans over a month because OP says I gave them a month of I gave them a month before I started moving things to the garage. And then moving things to the garage took another two weeks. So realistically, getting everything to the garage and then to detonation, you're looking at s probably two months at the least. The kids never showed up. He asked fifteen times. And then finally the daughter comes to grab some stuff for a party and sees that her her mother's stuff is no longer there. And of course there's that's that's devastating. But At the same time, you also can't fault the kids. But with that, like that commenter noted, OP is a man who has spent a year living inside his own grief. He has been sleeping in a shrine. He even comments that he was drinking at the bar so he didn't have to come home. He asked and asked, and his kids never came. They didn't believe him. Because avoiding it was just their grief as well. However, their avoidance had a cost and it landed on the one person who couldn't really avoid it because OP lives there. He can't go to the bar forever. Overall. No one is the asshole here. Obviously OP isn't the asshole, but at the same time. His kids aren't either. OP says it's been a year since his wife passed away. That is still very much a deep wound for all. And if I could pour a cup for the kids. You guys are allowed to grieve. And unlike what most of the Redditors are what other commenters are saying, you guys aren't the villains either. You guys are processing in your own rights. But you also can't expect your dad to just keep living in that depressive state for the rest of his life. You all clearly love your mother. And Your dad also needs to process his grief as well. So I think you guys should just go and give your dad a hug and Op your kids a hug too. Okay, so I like to end these the okay, so I like to end these episodes with one last pour. And it's a pour back into ourselves. So my dear Tea leaves I would like you to go and make yourself something warm. A nice drinkable cup. Sit down. And take that time to truly truly just r f just be in the moment. I don't want you to sit down with your cup while answering a text or while you're unloading the dishwasher one-handed. Put both hands firmly on your cup and just sip away until it's all gone. And like the tea of the month, our gentle white tea is a is perfect for it. It's soft, a little sweet. Something that doesn't ask too much of you. And if your throat's feeling a little scratchy, nothing wrong with adding a little honey. But now, one additional part that I would like you to hear. You are allowed to take up five minutes of your own day. You don't have to earn it, and nothing falls apart while you sit. So Pour into your cup, my tea leaves. Nobody else is going to do it for you, and you are worth the pour. and before I go. I like to support an organization helping women and children who need it. This month the organization I would like to focus on is called Adopt a Classroom. The link is in the description. So go see the good that they do and how you can pour back. Now, that's the pot, my beautiful tea leaves. Do me a favor this week. Go tell someone they look amazing and mean it. It's free and it's the best thing you can do for a stranger. I'll see you in the next steep.