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The Truth That Changes Everything · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if anybody's seen the film A Few Good Men with Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise and Demi Moore.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't, I strongly recommend it.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a very famous line that most people know when Tom Cruise is cross-examining Jack Nicholson in the uh in the witness box, and he says, I want the truth.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And Jack Nicholson says, You want the truth, you can't handle the truth.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a really interesting line, beautifully portrayed by both actors.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what I like about it is the fact that it's true.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Some people just cannot handle the truth.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And very often this is because truth is something that people avoid.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: In the last two episodes, I have been talking about families who live by untruth.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I suppose the same is can be said for relationships of all kinds, that sometimes people just can't handle the truth.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually, when it comes out, particularly if it's been held back for a long time, when it comes out, it's loud and it's shocking because it's like, okay, enough.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: The gloves are off, no veils, no more pretending, no more silence.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the truth.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this kind of exposure can be very shocking, and people can become very distressed by it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But more often than not, rather than saying, yeah, it is the truth, what happens instead is that the truth teller becomes villainized.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Look what you've done to me.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You've said horrible things.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's true.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And they're all true.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And truth being told in this way can serve to change something.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It can, because it's called reality confrontation.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It is confronting the individual with the reality of their actions and also the consequences of those actions.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, quite often, people who do this do it for their own benefit.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: When I say that, I mean by telling the truth.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're letting go of something that you just can't hold on to anymore, and it has to be spoken.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people don't.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: They hold on to it and mutter away to themselves, holding grudges and so on.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's very interesting sometimes people say, I don't hold grudges, and then bombard you with a series of stories, which rather suggests that that might not be the case.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: But it in fact there is a benefit in discharging the truth for the individual concerned, maybe for the other person.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this kind of reveal is in my work essential.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So that means that there will be times when I see a truth.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is more often than not with parents, where there is clearly a lack of preparedness to see the truth of the child.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, I make the truth known.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't do that angrily, but I do do it very specifically.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And most often people will listen and they will take notice because what I'm putting forward is inarguable.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something which is a debate.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: It is something that's being stated because I see the evidence and the demonstrations of things which aren't being faced.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I see this more than I care to.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And my hope is always that by doing this we can all face the truth together and then do something.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because this isn't about punishing people, it's about saying, look, this is what's happening here, this is what's going on, and this is how your joint conflict or your joint denial is actually showing up.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I think if we translate that into everyday life, how often are we how often do we feel able to confront things?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And confrontation is, if you like, a word that can be and can sound aggressive.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I think when I use the term reality confrontation, what that means is this is the reality, this is how you are being, this is what's happening, and this is the effect of it.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're simply putting that reality in somebody's view.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: How they manage that is not really within your control.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Most often people will be defensive, but that does not dilute the truth, and neither does denial dilute the truth.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: The truth may be unpalatable, but it doesn't change the fact that it's true.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: If indeed, of course, what you're saying is is true.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And very often, if we do that in a factual kind of way, that that then becomes compelling.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Teaching your children to tell the truth happens by example.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just say you have to tell the truth.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Show them.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Show them yourself.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Show them that telling the truth is is something which is good.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about truth and lies, this is about openness.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: People very often say I always tell the truth.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I sometimes think, yeah, but is it the whole truth or is it the version you want me to hear?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you may say you're truthful, but are you open?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're open, you will you will tell the whole truth.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: When we teach children to be open, they have nothing to fear.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because they know that by being open, they no longer hold on to deception, they no longer have to manipulate, they know they no longer have to give some kind of version of events which is distorted.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we have to keep practicing it.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.