Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / If You Wish Your Partner Was More Romantic, Listen To This

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If You Wish Your Partner Was More Romantic, Listen To This · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show. Today we are going to be talking
0:10
about when you want your partner to be more romantic and before
0:14
we get to that, please do subscribe.
0:16
The most recent one was about what your child learns from
0:20
seeing you and your partner indirect in terms of how you
0:24
interact when you're not in a happy place with your spouse.
0:27
When you are in a happy place, it's different, they only learn
0:30
good things. But many many people who are
0:32
listening or are not in Dynamics that that they really enjoy.
0:37
And they may think that if they don't openly fight with their
0:40
spouse, or throw things or or, you know, act generally volatile
0:45
than their child is not much affected, but the child is
0:49
affected and that becomes a template for their romantic
0:52
relationships and friendships, and everything else.
0:55
So you should definitely subscribe.
0:56
And listen to that. That's, there's a like 75 other
0:59
episodes to. All right, so moving to today's
1:03
topic so I I posted some little thing about how my husband did
1:08
something romantic for me, for our dating anniversary, which I
1:11
always post because I like to and people tell me that it's
1:17
nice for them to see, you know, like what it looks like.
1:19
If you're happily remarried more clients than, you know, have
1:23
actually come to me because they are not happily married.
1:28
And thought that from seeing me remarry, that it would be
1:31
something that would be possible for them, which I didn't even
1:33
really think about. As I was living my life.
1:36
In fact, I thought if anything, possibly people wouldn't want to
1:39
see a marriage counselor, who was divorced, but in fact, the
1:42
opposite happened and I got way way more referrals which when I
1:47
think about it. Interestingly, I would prefer to
1:49
go to a divorced and remarried couples counselor myself and
1:53
somebody in the first marriage because at least you know that
1:58
they know what what it is to be unhappily married, you know,
2:01
because some people from what I hear this is just an Aside,
2:05
because people people talk to me about their previous
2:08
relationships with other therapists, you know, and
2:11
there's some people where you just don't even think that
2:14
they've had anything, like, what you've experienced, and it makes
2:17
you hard. It makes it hard to interact and
2:19
to trust that clinician, and that may be fair, or not fair.
2:23
But either way, it seems to be easy for clients to kind of bond
2:28
more to therapist that they think have gone through some
2:31
sort of lived experience. And in terms of marital
2:34
counseling, Laying having been in a marriage that was less than
2:37
perfect. Therefore, divorcing seems to
2:41
make people really think. Oh, you know, like you're not
2:43
going to judge me. You probably know more what I'm
2:45
going through and whatever my individual situation is.
2:48
And then on top of it, it's interesting.
2:49
Because a lot of people have said that it makes them think.
2:52
Oh, wow, there could be hope for me to remarry happily from
2:56
following my story, which was very unexpected in my life
3:00
trajectory. But anyway, so I posted about
3:04
the my Husband did something romantic for our dating
3:06
anniversary, which he always does these romantic things.
3:09
And somebody said, oh, this following, you makes me realize
3:12
how much I want a romantic partner, and I thought that was,
3:15
you know, very nice thing to say.
3:17
And and interesting though, because I deal with this a lot.
3:20
So that was the kind of the last remark before I was like, okay,
3:24
I definitely have to make a podcast about this topic because
3:28
I see a lot of people who want to romantic partner, but and
3:32
they're usually comparing it to an ex who is not Or current
3:35
partner, who's not romantic. And I see these equally among
3:38
men and women, so definitely, it's not the case that women
3:41
want these romantic guys. And men are just not romantic.
3:44
That is the opposite of true loads and loads of men want a
3:49
more romantic partner. And it's interesting because so
3:51
many men that talked about wanting better sex lives, what
3:54
they really want is just more romance.
3:56
They want more feeling more, intensity, more love, really?
4:00
And that's how they think about love it in a man.
4:04
Man's mind. It's like a love scene, you
4:07
know, like sometimes it's a porn scene, but sometimes it's like
4:10
a, you know, we fall into each others arms type of love scene
4:14
and in women. It's not much different, but it
4:16
just doesn't go into sex as quick as it does for a man.
4:20
There's where we're different. We're wired differently.
4:24
So, anyway, there are lots of benefits to being with somebody
4:27
who's more romantic, but there's also like there's no free lunch
4:31
and I did a podcast about that. There's no free lunch in terms
4:34
of your His personality. So I talk about this all the
4:36
time with guys, who are more, who are frustrated with their
4:41
stay at home mom wives laid-back personality.
4:44
So, they come in. Everything is a mess and, you
4:47
know, the kids are just eating snacks and they think, oh, if it
4:51
was me, I would have had them up and I would have had them going,
4:53
and I would have had a meal cooked and I would have had them
4:56
go to, you know, a little gymnastics class, or whatever
4:58
the hell and they're probably, right.
5:00
Like, it's not like I don't believe any bullshit like, oh
5:03
well, the man just doesn't know how.
5:04
How hard it is frequently, these guys are doing everything on the
5:07
weekend and they're like so you know super type A with the kids
5:11
as they are super type A in general.
5:12
But what they don't realize is that an equivalently type, a
5:16
spouse would also be critical of them.
5:19
Would have competing ideas would not be so impressed with them
5:24
all the time especially in the dating stage so they wouldn't
5:27
have been drawn to a fellow type a person at that point.
5:30
There's no free lunch. If you want a woman who's like
5:32
wow you can get all that. Done in a day then she's
5:36
somebody who can't get all that done in a day like that's why
5:39
she's impressed, you know? I mean like if she could do it
5:41
to she wouldn't be that impressed.
5:43
So you always have to understand that you pick somebody based on
5:47
what you need at the time. You know?
5:49
And then a lot of people go back and punish this person on
5:53
intentionally for the not being who the who you need at a later
5:57
time of yourself development. And I've also done another
5:59
podcast about like don't get mad at your partner for being
6:04
exactly. Who you picked, when you had
6:05
lower self-esteem. And so, I forget how that one's
6:08
worded, but it has self-esteem in the title so you could find
6:10
it. So anyway, what are so two
6:14
things. So there's women who want a more
6:17
romantic husband, and then there's many wanted more
6:20
romantic wife, you know. So I guess we could talk about
6:22
those separately. They're not that separate but
6:25
then there's also people who are the more romantic person and
6:30
like who are very very who do Lookin at themselves and their
6:36
downsides, you know, and understand why they aren't with
6:39
somebody just like them, you know, so, all right, slow.
6:42
Let's start with that. If you're a very romantic
6:44
person, right? What does that really mean?
6:47
It means you're spontaneous. It means that you're sensitive,
6:51
it means that you very much prioritize closeness.
6:54
It means you have this kind of cinematic internal like Montage.
6:59
Like, when you look a more creative way of thinking, you
7:02
know, so that you can plan these little things in your observant
7:06
about, you know, when you go somewhere, maybe I'll pick up a
7:09
special present. Or you'll remember when somebody
7:11
says, they really want to do something and then you'll plan
7:14
it like you have a different kind of brain.
7:17
You're probably most likely a highly sensitive person and
7:20
you're probably on the creative end.
7:23
What else are those people? Like, they could be real
7:26
difficult, you know, those people could be real difficult.
7:28
Just like there's higher rates of bipolarity among like
7:31
musicians and artists. There's there's no Free lunch.
7:35
Like if a brain If a brain is wired very differently than its
7:40
wired, very differently. I talk to people about this like
7:43
all the time people who struggle with moodiness are often the
7:47
most creative, like sensitive people in a good way.
7:50
Well, they're also sensitive in a bad way.
7:52
They're very responsive to negative events.
7:54
They their mood goes up and down and response to things that
7:58
happen during the day. More than somebody who's less
8:01
romantic usually. So frequently, the the people
8:05
who are like super stable, you know that every day they get up,
8:08
they do the same thing there at the same job for like 10, 20
8:10
years they are just going up the ladder.
8:12
They are extremely attractive to people who grew up in
8:16
Dysfunctional, childhoods, especially chaotic ones.
8:19
You really like that idea of a person that just, you know, does
8:22
not seem to be impacted much by the world, you know, in the ways
8:26
that you yourself are as the more creative romantic sensitive
8:31
person, so you really drawn to this, Word of stability is
8:37
particularly true for women who are, who know, in some way
8:41
frequently that they're going to want to stay home with kids and
8:44
or stay home temporarily with kids or have kids and so
8:48
therefore don't want to be the primary earner in case they want
8:52
to stay home or reduce hours or whatever with kids and this is
8:55
like a real thing so that that stage where you want to have
8:58
kids. Like it seems like a really good
9:00
deal to go for somebody super stable and this is even more
9:04
important. If you don't have any family
9:06
help with the kids and you know, that you yourself are more of a
9:10
moody sensitive person, such that you're not counting on your
9:14
own ability to make money and you want to be with somebody who
9:17
is stable and who will always have a job.
9:19
It's like, very evolutionarily Salient for young women of the
9:23
type that I'm describing for men that want a more romantic
9:27
partner because they okay. So men who want a more romantic
9:32
partner they also have a super Usually have a very high sex
9:36
drive, right? So if the woman is having sex
9:38
with them early, they they don't understand that.
9:43
Like, they're also supposed to kind of search for romantic
9:46
woman. Their needs are met in the
9:48
honeymoon. Stage, the woman, who is like
9:51
the less romantic, more stable, more, you know, just like even
9:56
Keel person more, practical more pragmatic, that person's having
10:00
a bunch of sex with them. So, frequently, the man, the
10:03
more romantic, man. Man, he is kind of projecting
10:07
all of his internal romantic feelings on the woman when in
10:10
reality the woman she loves him. But she just doesn't really
10:13
think about things on the way that he is.
10:15
So we'll go back in time when we're talking a couple's
10:18
counselor, even individual counseling, with the more
10:20
romantic man, that's married to a less romantic woman.
10:23
He'll be like, you know, talking about like his memories and like
10:27
things that he remembers about their early relationship and
10:31
like he's trying to describe how it's changed.
10:33
So much. And when we go through some of
10:36
those, the woman wasn't even like thinking remotely, what the
10:39
guy was thinking at the time that that was happening, he's
10:41
gonna be like, we were so close and connected on our honeymoon
10:44
and she'll be like, I don't really remember our honeymoon.
10:47
Except that I was kind of sick and jet lag the whole time, you
10:50
know? And so it becomes obvious that
10:52
in the honeymoon stage, the more romantic male frequently project
10:56
and internal experience onto his female partner that just isn't
10:59
there. But because he assumes that it's
11:01
there because it's how he thinks but it's not Now, women do less
11:06
of that projection. I don't know why I assume
11:09
because they are more verbal about their emotions.
11:12
I mean, you know, and so they constantly are saying, oh, what
11:15
do you think about this? What do you think about that?
11:16
So that it becomes, pretty clear pretty quick that the man does
11:19
not think on a deeper level as they do about the Romantic side
11:23
of the relationship. But again, usually their biology
11:26
has taken over and it's like stable attractive, mate.
11:30
Want to breed like that is literally what your ovaries are.
11:35
So they kind of say all right well you know what, he expresses
11:38
his love and other ways like acts of service.
11:41
I mean like everybody knows the Love Languages now so I would
11:43
imagine even people in their twenties or understanding, you
11:45
know, love language and they're saying okay well I'm sure I
11:48
could be fine with acts of service and then in reality they
11:51
are not because they are highly sensitive person who's very
11:54
romantic and they will always miss kind of not having that
11:58
Dimension. So also okay so then this is why
12:03
people Is why people pick, you know, a non romantic partner,
12:08
but then like, what is the, how do they think about themselves?
12:12
They frequently overstate their good size as the Romantic
12:16
partner and understate, how difficult they are and how much
12:20
they, as the more Moody, kind of more, you know, up and down,
12:27
Moody easily, affected by things.
12:29
Person, how hard it would be to be partnered with another
12:32
person, similar to yourself. So, Especially when in the thick
12:36
of raising small children, that would be pretty difficult.
12:39
Now when that stages over I very often see this is my classic
12:46
couple you meet in counseling. The annoyingly satisfied husband
12:49
and the wife who wants more and the inverse like men who are in
12:53
that situation after the whole like building a career, having
12:57
young kids like survival stage. This is when people frequently
13:02
re-evaluate and they're like I want somebody Be more romantic
13:05
like this. We do not have a closeness.
13:08
I don't feel any kind of real emotional spiritual connection
13:12
with this person. I feel like we're just roommates
13:15
and we're just kind of here together, but we don't have a
13:18
bomb. So, and and the reality is that
13:21
after you raise small children after that stage, you know,
13:25
you're focusing more on one another.
13:27
And this is when, if people have really different views about how
13:31
to be close with in a romantic relationship, that's when this
13:33
becomes very Alliant. And that is when you don't need
13:38
certain things from the romantic person anymore, right?
13:42
So, mr. Romantic guy could like not have
13:45
a good job, you know? Like he could struggle with
13:48
mental health issues. He could have, you know, all
13:53
sorts of issues, you know. But if you don't need to
13:59
procreate with that person and you don't need to and you could
14:03
support yourself You're working, your kids are older and
14:06
everything. You know, you may not care the
14:08
way that you did, when you were 25 and instinctively looking for
14:13
a maid that would carry your family, you know, in case you
14:18
couldn't. So, this is when it's more a
14:20
sort ATIV meeting where the highly sensitive romantic,
14:23
people find one another and the people that are so sick of being
14:27
with somebody who wanted more more and more, what the hell do
14:31
you even want for me? You know, the people who were
14:33
partnered with Or romantic Partners at always wanted more
14:37
romance, and more closest they find each other, you know, and
14:40
they just have very different sort of relationship so they
14:44
have much more activity. Centered relationships, is what
14:46
I see. So like a guy who is told for
14:49
like, you know, 15 years by his ex-wife that he wasn't romantic
14:54
enough and that he was gone too much and he wanted to she wants
14:57
more time with him and all this stuff will probably meet a woman
15:00
that likes the same kind of activities as he does.
15:03
That also likes to be. On the go.
15:05
That is fine being on her own when he travels for work.
15:08
That says great because I'm traveling for work myself the
15:11
following week. So those non-romantic quote
15:15
unquote people that are more activity-based, more practical
15:20
more into I guess it's not as much acts of service all the
15:26
time but it is quality time acts of service and not gifts.
15:30
That's the Romantic people. Not maybe words of affirmation
15:33
it's just like It's a much more active kind of concrete sort of
15:40
relationship that I see in those people and then the Romantic
15:44
people kind of find each other and want this like super
15:48
soulmate connection and they can frequently find it when people
15:51
are less blinded by those early stages of biology where you want
15:56
to competing things. So you want a super romantic
15:59
person but also somebody that is going to be super stable.
16:03
And this problem also, Oh happens, by the way.
16:05
Men have to think about this too.
16:06
If you're super upset with your wife, for not being really
16:09
romantic, let me tell you. And I've said this before in a
16:12
different podcast but the Romantic women don't go for guys
16:15
who are traveling for work all the time they just don't or
16:18
they're just not happy with those guys.
16:20
So a lot of times I get guys who are on the master of the
16:23
universe sphere as clients like they've gotten to the top of
16:29
their profession and at that point they're like well man why
16:31
can't I have have it all really like a romantic.
16:34
Having relationship and enjoy the fruits of my labor for that.
16:38
I had, you know, labored all of these years to get to, and it's
16:42
like well because though romantic sweet, loving woman,
16:46
that was going to want to spend every second with you would have
16:50
divorced you in those early years of your career because she
16:53
would have been left alone. All the time to watch the kids
16:56
and to be fine supporting you when you have to go here and
16:59
there and I'm flying here and I'm doing this.
17:01
And then with my limited time I'm also going to golf with the
17:03
boys and I'm going to do this and I have to network, and I
17:06
have to go to happy hour, the very romantic women would not
17:09
have put up with that shit. And it's the same thing with,
17:12
like, the women who really, really want sex.
17:16
They don't want that either, because in order to really have
17:18
sex a lot, you gotta be around. And so many men in particular, I
17:23
see this more with men because men are more.
17:25
The ones who have these constant work, travel sorts of careers.
17:28
When there's young kids, maybe it'll change in subsequent
17:31
Generations or even much sooner than that.
17:33
But either way, In terms of who I work with the men who were
17:38
traveling all the time and were very happy that the wife held
17:42
down the fort, that was not going to be a super romantic
17:46
woman that wants to glom onto your side and have sex and kiss
17:49
and cuddle every night, and can't sleep without you in the
17:51
bed because she has to sleep without you in the bed.
17:55
Could you gone all the time? So it's a very interesting sort
17:59
of thing to think about is don't like decide now that you're at
18:04
this stage. Age of your career.
18:05
Oh, you know what? I would have done better all
18:07
along with this more touchy-feely type of woman,
18:10
probably not. Probably you would have ripped
18:13
your hair out of your head, you know?
18:15
Because you'd be like, but I have to go, I have to go.
18:18
This is my job, I have to go, and she would been crying.
18:21
So, you know, it's all well and good to then, say, okay, well,
18:26
at this stage of my life, I want something different but please
18:29
understand that. That is a you thing like your
18:33
life stage. Change such that you want
18:36
something else. Don't go back and do revisionist
18:38
history where you say? Oh, like I was unhappy all
18:42
along. You probably weren't as unhappy
18:44
as you think all along, you probably were partnered with
18:47
somebody who is very, very adaptively suited for her role
18:51
in your family life, which was to be in the background with the
18:55
children, dealing with all of that shit that you never had to
18:58
worry about while he focused on your career.
19:00
So that's just a little aside to the Myriad men who listen to To
19:04
this outer in that position, in terms of the women they could
19:08
say that they want a romantic man that they would have done
19:11
better all along with the romantic man, sometimes it's
19:13
true. Sometimes, the romantic man is
19:15
also, you know, stable enough and, you know, he's emotionally
19:21
healthy enough, but a lot of times, the romantic and creative
19:27
guy was not who you would have gone for when you were 25, when
19:31
he was still trying to make his band work you No and, you know,
19:35
like or he was still do you know backpacking through Europe or
19:39
whatever the hell he was doing because he likes to like, sit on
19:42
a mountain top with a paperback, you know, an introspect that is
19:45
probably not who you would have been drawn to earlier in life.
19:48
So you also have to understand the Confluence and the overlap
19:52
in the Venn diagram between life stage and you know, how how
19:58
happy you would be to be partnered with a true romantic,
20:02
you know. I mean some people are like to
20:04
highlight Sensitive people that meet in high school and they're
20:06
just very close and they have the soul connection, always
20:09
always and whatever. Whatever this is, not the
20:12
majority of human beings. So if you think that you're
20:15
comparing yourself to that, you know, that does not happen to a
20:18
lot of people because a lot of people very adaptively seek out
20:22
a year into their Yang when they are in the breeding stage and if
20:26
you want to pick somebody else later on, okay?
20:30
But you know, understand that that is a decision that you are
20:33
making Now it may go a lot better now than it would have
20:37
gone then and as I've said over and over in second marriages
20:41
highly sensitive people find each other I'm not highly
20:43
sensitive people, find each other, everybody's done being
20:45
the yin and yang that should have stressful but it is
20:48
adaptive. When you are trying to create a
20:51
little basically business of raising, a family and children
20:54
and balancing everything. So that is the kind of the full
20:57
picture of what it means to to pick and be with a more romantic
21:02
partner. And also So, you must reflect on
21:06
that. You being a more romantic
21:07
person. Yourself is not always only
21:10
wonderful. It also likely goes along with
21:13
the downsides of being a highly sensitive person being easily,
21:16
upset being rejection, sensitive being somebody who sometimes
21:20
can't see the forest for the trees.
21:21
Sometimes. Can't get out of their own head
21:23
etc. Etc.
21:25
All right. So hopefully that was
21:28
interesting to you guys, and you should always be following me on
21:32
social media. So you could see things like my
21:34
Spins anniversary presents to me in real time and get that window
21:40
into my life if you care. And if not just follow me on
21:44
Tick Tock where I have much more of just stuff about little
21:47
videos about psychology and YouTube.
21:51
Where I mean I don't know how to grow.
21:53
YouTube also don't know how to grow Twitter, I guess I should
21:56
tweet something, I guess I'll go do that.
21:58
Now this is like just not my wheelhouse which is strange
22:02
because like you know, I'm an old old.
22:04
People like Twitter but anyway, I'll talk to everybody soon.
22:08
Have a great day. Oh, I am back and I do this so
22:12
rarely that it's a special treat.
22:14
But sometimes I realize that I put something into the
22:16
description of the episode that I didn't actually talk about and
22:20
if somebody was was listening purely so that they understand
22:23
how to attract a romantic partner than they would have
22:26
been very upset that I didn't include that.
22:30
So there is also the fact that a lot of people mistakenly believe
22:35
that they could just randomly. Coincidentally.
22:39
Luckily Get a romantic partner without changing anything about
22:43
their own personality. So if you have not really been
22:47
with romantic men, then, you know, you probably ought to
22:51
also, listen to my podcast about when men, never take care of you
22:55
because a big part of being romantic is that you have this,
23:01
this kind of interdependence, and a big part of romance is
23:04
thinking that like this, your partner, really needs you.
23:08
So if it's been very hard for you too, Ever allow somebody to
23:15
to take care of you and it's hard for you to need somebody on
23:18
to rely on somebody. And that may be totally, May,
23:21
totally make sense given things that you learned in your family
23:24
of origin and not being able to trust.
23:26
Anybody usually goes along with that having to be
23:28
self-sufficient at all times, because that's what you learned
23:31
is, makes you safe. But that is something to really
23:35
work on in therapy because like it isn't very romantic.
23:40
Ache to be like I'm okay I'm good you don't need to do
23:43
anything for me. I'm totally fine.
23:44
Totally self-sufficient in various ways, you know there's
23:48
no man whose romantic enough that it can power through
23:51
somebody who's like totally self-sufficient, you know, and
23:56
if they can it's only going to be for a little while because
23:58
they are going to get very disappointed that you don't seem
24:01
to like need them and yearn for them.
24:03
I mean think about it being self-sufficient is the
24:05
antithesis of saying I need you right now.
24:09
I need you With me, I even I need your body even just in that
24:12
domain being self-sufficient is basically, I'm cool.
24:15
I'm fine. I'll just wait around like doing
24:17
my own thing, you know, scheduling my own stuff live in
24:21
my own life and then when we see each other, that's cool and
24:23
whatnot. Not so, if you're that kind of
24:25
person, whether you're male or female and you want a very
24:29
romantic partner, the thing about the Romantic Partners,
24:32
they're really, really into you, you know.
24:33
So then they want, usually unless they're very mentally
24:37
unhealthy where their whole thing is yearning after.
24:40
An unrequited love which isn't romantic that's called
24:43
preoccupied attachment. So like they, you know, it
24:46
wouldn't be smart to say know what I want in my second
24:49
marriage of preoccupied, attachment husband or wife?
24:52
Like, that's not good. That person's going to be
24:54
jealous, they're going to be controlling.
24:55
They were going to, you know, be endlessly on Happy.
24:59
Nothing you do is enough and it also means you're still avoidant
25:02
because if that's who you would attract.
25:03
So what you instead want is a more securely attached person,
25:07
who is romantic, and in that case, They're not going to be
25:10
drawn to somebody who could basically be totally fine
25:13
without their romance. And without them, they want to
25:16
be really, really into somebody. So if you find it hard, whether
25:20
it's a male or a female to be vulnerable in that way, and to
25:23
say that you really do want to spend a lot of time with your
25:27
partner and to be really close and physically intimate a lot.
25:31
And to be really just intimate a lot, you know, and to talk a lot
25:36
and whatever the case may be, you know, you're not just
25:39
kidding. Romantic partner that you can
25:41
like, you know, just layer on top of what is a completely sell
25:47
for child-focused life and I don't mean that you're selfish.
25:50
I just mean, if you're the kind of person who everything you
25:53
basically, your whole life is already scheduled out, you got
25:56
this and this and this and this and the kids stuff fits around
25:58
this this and this and you basically do not have the time
26:01
or bandwidth for a lot of time with somebody then wanting a
26:06
romantic partner is not going to really get you anywhere.
26:10
A thing plus, I'm glad that I came back here because there's
26:12
another kind of romantic partner that is a narcissistic person.
26:17
So when people talk about love-bombing, although sure only
26:21
Point. Listen, only 4.5 percent of the
26:23
population is diagnosable narcissus, however, you know,
26:27
sometimes you actually find one and sometimes you find one
26:30
people that have those traits romantic narcissists are also
26:34
not who you want to be with, of either type of either make, you
26:38
know, either gender. So, Narcissus is somebody that
26:41
says like basically like if you want a really romantic person
26:45
but they don't need to see you a lot, I would really interrogate
26:48
that because it may mean that they have a whole bunch of
26:50
people that they're being equivalently romantic went
26:53
across the United States because a person who is kind of deeply
26:56
sensitive and romantic in a relationship does want to spend
26:59
a lot of time with you and does want to grow interdependent.
27:03
So if you are somebody who's really self-sufficient, does not
27:06
have a lot of time and space for somebody in your life.
27:08
You're either going to end up with somebody who's Is not
27:10
romantic and that may be better. You may be like actually, do I
27:13
even want that? That sounds like a lot man.
27:15
Like do I really want, you know, the Romantic partner if they're
27:18
going to want to take that much of my time if you're saying that
27:21
the answer is no, or you're going to end up with this kind
27:24
of like like love-bombing fake romantic person who always sends
27:28
you flowers but then it's never, you know, exactly like, you
27:31
know, pin down a ball about anything because they are cool
27:36
with you not being around a lot because they're doing other
27:39
things. Things to because they have
27:41
other women too. So a lot of like there is a
27:44
super romantic narcissistic type of person and although rates of
27:49
infidelity are extremely low, overall, especially among women.
27:53
These are the people that are the cheaters.
27:56
These are the people that have, you know, extra backup partners,
27:59
and emotional affair partners and all these quote friends that
28:03
they're also flirting with all the time.
28:05
That's not the kind of romantic person that you want, you know?
28:07
So if you do really want a romantic partner, no.
28:10
And at this second half of your life or after divorce, or if
28:13
you're single, and you're listening for the first time,
28:15
then you also have to be somebody who's going to
28:17
prioritize romantic relationship and give it a lot of space.
28:22
So if you're married you have kids the kids, don't dictate
28:25
every single thing that you do. You don't have a fully
28:27
child-centered relationship, because the person who values
28:31
the relationship akas romantic wants you to Value the
28:34
relationship. And a lot of people miss this,
28:37
very practical obvious, I Dia it because it's the same thing as
28:42
how I wrote my article. You may not want your wife to be
28:44
a porn star and bet you may not because the porn star in bed is
28:48
dramatic. Tempestuous volatile loves when
28:52
other men. Look at her.
28:53
You're like, man. No, thanks, that's cool back to
28:56
missionary, that should sounds exhausting and crazy-making.
28:59
I'm, you know, I'm an esteemed physician, you know, I don't
29:03
have time for that shit, you know.
29:04
So like sometimes you think oh this more dramatic sort of
29:08
person in some certain way. Way would be better but then
29:11
you're like wait what about my actual personality and
29:14
priorities? You know, what are those?
29:16
You know, because if you are somebody who is actually happy
29:20
for the first time in your life, you're divorced.
29:22
You're totally happy notnot like soup don't like you're like
29:25
jumping on, you know, being a meadow of frolicking, like a
29:28
unicorn all the time, but you know, you're pretty happy, you
29:31
have your kids events, you have your events and then on the
29:33
weekend, you have down time. If that's you, why would you say
29:37
that you want to go for somebody super romantic?
29:40
You probably don't you probably want to go for somebody in a
29:42
very similar situation that very pragmatically is happy to
29:46
schedule like Tetris or, you know, your little times to see
29:49
each other around the children's times to see you which you both
29:52
assume is number one. So you got to really with this
29:56
and everything, think about who you really are.
30:00
You know, before you go down this delusion, all Rabbit Hole
30:03
saying that your life isn't good because you don't have X are
30:06
you? You know the person who really
30:09
want sex So there's a lot of what therapy is very helpful
30:11
with who are you really and what do you really want?
30:15
You know this is like this is the key work is the work.
30:18
We've talked about therapy being work, that's the work, you know,
30:20
people go in acting like they're like you know oh yeah I just
30:24
want this. This is and then we talked for
30:26
like even a few sessions is like, wait, maybe.
30:29
I don't, maybe I want this other thing because my whole entire
30:32
life points to me, wanting this other kind of thing.
30:35
So that's just a plug for therapy as per usual, and I'll
30:38
talk to you soon.