Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Cult of Preferences/Boundaries And How They Sabotage Intimacy And Connection

Transcript

The Cult of Preferences/Boundaries And How They Sabotage Intimacy And Connection · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctors.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to talk
• 0:10
  about preferences and why people's preferences and
• 0:17
  boundaries nowadays have been really fetishized and made to be
• 0:22
  this amazing thing and they're not they're actually the worst
• 0:26
  possible thing for your relationship if you overuse
• 0:32
  this, you know, obsession with your own Boundaries and
• 0:36
  preferences. All it really means is that
• 0:38
  you're being selfish and rigid but you just have some cool on
• 0:42
  brand words to describe it. Which does not convince your
• 0:47
  partner that you're not being selfish.
• 0:50
  It just serves to kind of make you guys more and more distant
• 0:53
  and have less of a language with which you can connect and
• 0:56
  communicate before we get to that, please do, subscribe.
• 0:59
  I have a lot of good episodes. My most recent one was on.
• 1:05
  On men who think that everybody thinks that their wife is too
• 1:08
  hot for them than I have men who don't trust.
• 1:11
  I have attachment issues, I have all sorts of cool episodes and
• 1:16
  now probably over 41. I don't know and so if you
• 1:21
  subscribe, you get access to all of those plus I get happy every
• 1:24
  time I see I have a new subscriber so if you these add
• 1:27
  value to your life please do support me in that way.
• 1:30
  Also do join my Facebook group and they're you Talk about
• 1:36
  issues, like all the ones that I talked about on my show with
• 1:39
  other like-minded people. So anyhow, let's dive into this
• 1:43
  overuse of boundaries and preferences.
• 1:46
  So let's think about it like this.
• 1:48
  So let's say that you're a mom and or you're a dad.
• 1:52
  Let's just say you're a mom and your kid comes to you and says,
• 1:56
  hey Mommy, I really want to go to a baseball game this summer.
• 2:00
  So what do you say? Do you say hmm?
• 2:03
  Ah, you know, Fuck it. I don't like baseball personally
• 2:07
  so I don't think we're going to do that.
• 2:09
  I would be long to go to a hockey game so possibly you
• 2:13
  could start to like hockey. So let's say you do say that and
• 2:16
  your son is like but Mommy, I like baseball.
• 2:18
  Look. I memorize all these statistics
• 2:20
  about baseball. I really like baseball.
• 2:23
  I want to be a baseball player when I grow up.
• 2:26
  So then perhaps you might say something like well, yeah, but I
• 2:30
  mean, I don't really see how you would want me to do something.
• 2:35
  I Want to do, because if I go there and I don't want to be
• 2:39
  there, I'm not going to be happy and I don't really feel like I
• 2:42
  should be pushed. Like that's my boundary.
• 2:45
  My boundary is is I don't like baseball.
• 2:47
  I am the willing to compromise with hockey so I'm not really
• 2:50
  sure what the big deal is and so then maybe your kids like well,
• 2:54
  okay, mommy, then maybe Dad can take me to a game, not you then
• 2:59
  you'd be like, no, like that's good.
• 3:02
  Our special thing is going to be going to sporting events
• 3:04
  together. Either.
• 3:05
  But I don't like baseball, but you can't go with Dad because I
• 3:09
  want to go with you to a sporting event.
• 3:11
  I told you that I would do hockey, I don't really feel like
• 3:13
  doing hockey now though. So, we're talking about 2023.
• 3:18
  I hope that's okay because otherwise you're being pretty
• 3:21
  selfish. Now obviously, this woman sounds
• 3:23
  like a terrible mother yet but possibly you can see the overlap
• 3:30
  between this ridiculous example, that would make any parent
• 3:34
  cringe because The poor little kid.
• 3:36
  Just wants to do what he wants to.
• 3:37
  Do you really had to baseball? Take it to a fucking baseball
• 3:40
  game. Like what's it to you, you know,
• 3:42
  it's one afternoon of your life and all of the interactions that
• 3:48
  a couple may be having in which one person is extremely rigid
• 3:51
  and focused on their own preferences, no matter what the
• 3:54
  other person likes. So obviously see the obvious
• 3:58
  analog is sexually. So a man will be like, I want a
• 4:02
  blowjob now. Most men, nowadays cannot even
• 4:04
  get that sentence out. Out.
• 4:06
  That's like, whoa, like that's like, you think you're being
• 4:09
  like a rapist in a dark alley, just to say that, which is
• 4:12
  insane because you should be able to say what you want.
• 4:15
  Like, it doesn't mean she has to do it, man.
• 4:17
  Do you know that or what? But like, you should, at least
• 4:20
  be able to say it to be like an integrated consistent authentic.
• 4:24
  Human being in the world, you know, you should be able to
• 4:27
  verbalize things that you want. So, if that seems extremely
• 4:31
  scary to you than I personally would recommend, Dividual
• 4:36
  therapy where you could figure out why it's so hard for you to
• 4:39
  say things that you want. And the answer is never because
• 4:42
  she's going to respond badly, because fuck is she responds
• 4:45
  badly most of the time, right? So the reason is, in her, don't
• 4:49
  blame her for why you would be scared to say that.
• 4:51
  So, but we could go into that and I think I have gone into
• 4:54
  that and numerous podcast, basically, about men who put
• 4:58
  their wives on pedestals order, terrified to do anything that
• 5:01
  the woman doesn't like, because they grew up with the
• 5:03
  self-censored mother etcetera. Etc.
• 5:05
  Etc. So you can go back and listen to
• 5:07
  my entire body of work. But anyway, moving forward.
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  So let's say that the man got this sentence out because he
• 5:13
  took 10 shots of vodka and he could get it out.
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  And then she's like, this is my favorites, that she's like, why
• 5:21
  would you even want me to do something?
• 5:22
  I don't want to do. It's like you wake up, that's
• 5:26
  marriage. Like, do you want to do 20
• 5:28
  million zillion things? He doesn't want to do and then
• 5:31
  some women get out of this because they're like, I know,
• 5:35
  You're all I want him to want to.
• 5:38
  That's this is logic. This is wonderful logic.
• 5:41
  So because you you, okay, so you want him to clean the kitchen?
• 5:44
  He doesn't want to so big shit, right?
• 5:48
  I mean, of course, I'm on your side.
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  They're like totally do. Who cares if you want to clean
• 5:52
  the kitchen kitchen needs to be cleaned.
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  He should be cleaning the kitchen.
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  So you say, of course, if you are honest, you would say, I
• 5:59
  don't care if he wants to or not, I just wanted to do it.
• 6:02
  But if you, if you understand that then, If he does something,
• 6:05
  he doesn't want to do, you might have to do something you want,
• 6:07
  you don't want to do then you might say.
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  No, the problem isn't that he doesn't clean the kitchen.
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  Because again, in today's day and age, most men are cleaning
• 6:19
  the kitchen if their wife tells them to.
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  But but that he doesn't want to clean the kitchen.
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  So then we come to this logical like the this thing like Ben's
• 6:29
  time, you know this is a philosophical logical conundrum
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  so you want him to want Clean the kitchen.
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  So therefore it's never going to be actually cleans the kitchen
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  because he didn't want to clean the kitchen of his own accord.
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  So therefore that's bad though that's in the bad bucket that he
• 6:45
  doesn't want to. But then on the other side is,
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  you don't want to give him a blowjob.
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  Let's say and he should have want you to give him a blow job
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  because you don't want to. But if he says that he wants you
• 6:59
  to want to give him a blowjob, that's also bad because it's not
• 7:03
  pre-existing something that you want.
• 7:04
  So you see It's Barry. It's very hard to even get out
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  the crazy logical twists and turns in this maze because all
• 7:13
  of it is predicated on putting like quote, unquote boundaries
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  and definite preferences on a pedestal and putting them over
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  the relationship. Such that the individual comes
• 7:25
  over the relationship. 100%. So in parenting you most people
• 7:30
  would say, yeah, I'm going to go to the baseball game.
• 7:32
  Obviously, I'm not going to do any mind fucking of my kid.
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  To tell him that he likes hockey.
• 7:37
  And I'm not going to cut him off from going to the game with
• 7:39
  someone else have truly, I hate it.
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  Then you could go with somebody else.
• 7:43
  Still, I'm not such a great mother TBH, you know, but it's
• 7:46
  the very least, he'll get to go see a baseball game.
• 7:49
  So, in this case, you are those saying to your partner will do
• 7:53
  the sex example but then we'll do another one.
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  Yes, I don't like to give you a blowjob.
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  You should not want me to want to do anything.
• 8:00
  I don't want to do. You also are not allowed to say
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  really We that you want it or that you want me to want to do
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  it because both of those make me feel bad, I don't like to feel
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  bad. And also on top of that, you
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  can't ever do it with anybody else until you die.
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  Because that's the sanctity of marriage.
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  This is some bullshit, right? Think about it.
• 8:19
  So then let's take a different example that women could
• 8:22
  understand. So, let's say, you want to go on
• 8:26
  a romantic dinner, date with your husband?
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  So do you want him to say, you know what?
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  First of all I don't like dinner.
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  Second of all, I don't like restaurants.
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  Vault, really? I don't want you to go even with
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  your girlfriend's out to eat because that kind of makes me
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  feel a little bit of chain, that I'm not going with you, which I
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  don't like to think about deeply.
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  And also, I don't really feel comfortable with you.
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  Asking me to eat a meal that I don't like to eat in a place
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  that I don't like to eat this. You would say what an asshole,
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  right? And then they'll come out and
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  say this necessarily, but they may say things like.
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  Oh, all right, you want to go out tonight?
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  Okay, okay. So, yeah.
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  All right. Well, I guess okay.
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  Well, you know, we'll go, it's like okay asshole, right?
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  Why are you making this terrible?
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  So unsurprisingly people are usually partnered with each
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  other when they are both rigid and this way they just don't see
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  their side of it. They see only the other side of
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  it. So the guy thats with a woman
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  that will not go down on it to save her life, possibly, to save
• 9:29
  her life, but had no other situation is usually partnered
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  with a man who It plays Devil's Advocate, which I talked about
• 9:38
  and it generally a Negative Nancy about every other thing.
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  You know, that she suggests she says, I think we should read
• 9:45
  this book on parenting. He's like, I don't want to read
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  that book on parenting. I know how to parent a parent
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  like my parents parent, a parent, good parent, parent
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  parent. I don't want to read your book,
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  right? And it's like who like okay so
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  who's going to be open and really want to give a wonderful
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  sexual pleasure to this ass? Nobody is until the man is very
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  rich. And in all these other ways.
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  And this includes Infinity example, she says clean the
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  kitchen. He says the kitchens clean
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  already. So, okay.
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  Then she said, let's go out to date night.
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  He's like, wow, yeah. Okay, I guess she says, I think
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  that you should start playing chess with our child.
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  He says, maybe I think that we should just do video games.
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  She's, you know, like it's literally whatever.
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  And if you don't recognize yourself in any of these
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  examples, but yet your wife kind of act like you suck and that
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  you're an asshole, ask her. The specific things that you say
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  no to because there's always going to be some, there's going
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  to be ways like she's like, oh, you know, I think that it would
• 10:42
  be fun to put new curtains up and you're like, I think the
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  curtains are fine. I think the curtains look good
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  leave them, it's extra money for nothing and it's always been
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  like this, real joyless voice that if you really think about
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  it is much the same response that she gives you in bed likely
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  because most people are not designed to try to hurt one.
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  Another, if someone's nice to you, you're usually nice to
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  them. If you happen to be in a
• 11:07
  situation where you're doing, literally everything that your
• 11:10
  wife wants with a smile. And she still says to you, no,
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  no, no, I will not do anything you want in bed.
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  This is a problem. This is a problem for two
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  reasons. You are enabling a selfish
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  person, meaning that you probably grew up with a selfish
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  person. So it is very familiar to you
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  and, or, you know, you are not really being as nice as you
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  think, you think you're being nice.
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  But really, you are being difficult and you're making it
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  very clear that you are doing a lot of Said that you don't want
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  to do in a case of though, we are, you are truly giving and
• 11:41
  loving and wonderful and then your partner.
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  Like, let's say you're the woman who does everything that the guy
• 11:46
  wants in bed, you know? And he's a high-level language,
• 11:50
  Guy, high physical touch, love language guy, rather, and you do
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  it. Everything that he wants to bed,
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  man. You, there's no porn star got
• 11:57
  nothing on you and he won't let you change the curtains girl.
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  You got to get yourself into some couples counseling at stat.
• 12:05
  That I'm figure out why the hell you're staying in a situation
• 12:08
  where you got a lot to offer that a lot of men would want, I
• 12:11
  mean wall, this one won't let you change the curtains.
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  No, no that's bad and it's usually for the same example,
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  just gender inverted. You probably grew up with a
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  selfish parents. A mother, a father somebody that
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  was take, take take so you learn, give gifts.
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  And that's your role in life is give give give to this asshole
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  person. That just take, take, take sand.
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  This is not a sustainable model for a healthy relationship.
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  Kinship nor, is it what you want to teach your children?
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  Nor is it how you want to live? If you really are listening to
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  this and you are deeply, you feel a generous and loving
• 12:45
  person. And you are the person who would
• 12:48
  not only go to the baseball game for your son, that you don't
• 12:50
  like, just pick something that you don't like, honestly, if you
• 12:53
  like baseball, but you would start to get into it.
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  And you would really try to like baseball, you would even try to
• 12:59
  know what the hell is going on in baseball or whatever, and
• 13:02
  you're that kind of person and other friends.
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  And Family or people on your job, or what have you think of
• 13:08
  you as a generous person or at least not an asshole?
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  Then what is it? That's in.
• 13:14
  Your relationship. That is making you be that way.
• 13:16
  They're frequently. It's your own unexplored issues
• 13:20
  with intimacy. So women that have a million
• 13:23
  boundaries and preferences in bed, have intimacy issues.
• 13:27
  They don't like the idea of being too close in some ways,
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  they don't even like the idea of making the man, that happy
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  because if they didn't, they might have to do it.
• 13:35
  N and him looking at her with that sort of happiness is kind
• 13:38
  of too much. It's like staring into the Sun
• 13:40
  for a void and people and you could go back to my podcast on a
• 13:44
  void and wives and before that my podcast on attachment Theory,
• 13:48
  which was a bonus. One it for avoidant people,
• 13:51
  they'd rather have a back-and-forth ping-pong of, no,
• 13:56
  no, no, I'm fighting and arguing and going, you know, if you do
• 14:01
  this I do that. And Tit for Tat and
• 14:03
  scorekeeping, they would rather have that.
• 14:05
  That then the intimacy of actually giving your husband, a
• 14:08
  blow job, or giving your wife, the curtains, and seeing how
• 14:11
  happy they actually get. Because if you feel this way,
• 14:15
  you'll know it's you and you probably know that your partner,
• 14:18
  you have seen that. When there's too much emotion of
• 14:21
  either kind doesn't have to be negative.
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  It can be positive. Also, this person gets like
• 14:27
  scared and weird and closes down and usually sabotages it.
• 14:32
  So for example, there's a men to tell me that Had a good sexual
• 14:35
  experience with their wives, but afterwards, their wives will
• 14:38
  say, I didn't like it or something.
• 14:41
  Condescending like, well, I hope you're happy now, 44 or I hope I
• 14:44
  don't have to do that again for a little while or something that
• 14:47
  just like ruins it and frequently.
• 14:49
  It's not because this person like really even means what
• 14:52
  they're saying. It's because they're confronted
• 14:54
  with so much of your positive emotion that, it makes them
• 14:59
  weirded out. They were in a home growing up
• 15:03
  or they didn't have a lot of Ian and your vulnerability, and even
• 15:07
  your pure happiness. In that moment, it's like too
• 15:11
  much for them. It's overwhelming, it's
• 15:13
  uncomfortable and it's something that they shut down immediately.
• 15:18
  And this is the same thing as when a man.
• 15:20
  Let's say, says okay. Yeah, let's do the curtains.
• 15:22
  He goes to the curtain story, gets the fucking curtains.
• 15:25
  Curtains look great. The woman turns to him with a
• 15:27
  big smile and he says yeah I liked it better before.
• 15:31
  It's like he's like ruining it. He like did this whole thing and
• 15:34
  her It makes him uncomfortable. Now if you are a person where
• 15:39
  any amount of emotion makes you uncomfortable positive or
• 15:42
  negative, this is usually from growing up in an emotionally
• 15:46
  neglectful. Household could read the book
• 15:48
  Running on Empty and you should really start therapy because
• 15:51
  you're thinking that this isn't going and your kids aren't
• 15:54
  seeing this but they are their Joy makes you uncomfortable as
• 15:56
  well when it's a too high of a pitch and in general, you're
• 16:00
  always kind of avoiding avoiding avoiding feeling because Ang is
• 16:05
  uncomfortable and if your partner to such a person, you'll
• 16:07
  obviously recognized the description and it'll make sense
• 16:10
  to you when you get too happy, something goes wrong.
• 16:14
  And this is a very interesting Dynamic.
• 16:17
  Also, you're not not to blame in this, by the way, if you are
• 16:20
  that person who gets happy not to blame, you know what I mean?
• 16:24
  You're also complicit in this dynamic because you are probably
• 16:28
  somebody that this happened to you throughout your life.
• 16:30
  You are Charlie Brown, and a parent was Lucy with the
• 16:33
  football. When you Get to happy a parent
• 16:36
  would shit all over it. So then you end up getting a
• 16:39
  partner, who does the same thing?
• 16:41
  So, to summarize, comment your marriage from a place of yes.
• 16:46
  Okay, sure let's try and if you can't don't blame any other
• 16:52
  problems in this relationship on the other person because let's
• 16:56
  say she doesn't go down on you. She don't do shit for you in
• 16:58
  bed. It's very unusual for it to be
• 17:02
  that you're being awesome and all these other ways and you
• 17:05
  They say, well, if she doesn't do anything that I want in bed,
• 17:07
  why would I be happy, right? But somebody's got to change,
• 17:10
  right? So if you go into couples
• 17:12
  counseling, let me right now. Save you.
• 17:13
  A lot of money. Get your own shit in check.
• 17:16
  Stop doing the bad stuff. Your do it.
• 17:18
  Then the couple's counselor will have no choice but to focus on
• 17:22
  your partner. So if you come in and you are
• 17:24
  being a dick about curtains because she's being such a bitch
• 17:28
  in bed about whatever, whatever stop be, nice about the
• 17:31
  curtains, try to be your best most loving self, as you would
• 17:33
  be with your children. To go to your own individual
• 17:36
  therapy and process your resentment.
• 17:38
  Try to be the best partner you can be if you are being truly
• 17:41
  the best partner. You could be then guess what her
• 17:45
  issues with sex or with intimacy or whatever or good of honestly
• 17:48
  be the main things to work on because you're fixing yourself
• 17:51
  and of course this goes the other way too.
• 17:53
  Ideally in couples counseling, if you want to expedite has
• 17:56
  expensive process, both of you should have been working on
• 18:00
  yourselves individually and trying to be the very best
• 18:03
  partner. You can be B, if you want to
• 18:06
  couples counseling and say yeah, well when you make him better
• 18:08
  I'll be better. This already speaks to a problem
• 18:11
  within your personality and the way that you view, interpersonal
• 18:16
  relationships rooted in a family of origin where you are unable
• 18:19
  to trust. And therefore, everything has to
• 18:21
  be Tit for Tat so that nobody ends up feeling exposed and like
• 18:26
  an idiot and nobody's vulnerable.
• 18:30
  So if you grew up in a feeling family, were vulnerability is
• 18:33
  the enemy, then it Very hard to put yourself out there and you
• 18:37
  end up in these battles of the preferences.
• 18:40
  And in today's culture with the extolling of individual
• 18:43
  differences in preferences and boundaries nobody can win
• 18:47
  because your boundaries you don't want to give a blowjob his
• 18:49
  boundary is he doesn't want to go to dinner.
• 18:51
  Well everybody has their boundaries and that's not called
• 18:53
  a Maverick, right? In a marriage is not supposed to
• 18:56
  be boundaries in that way. You know.
• 18:58
  It's supposed to be sure. I'll go to dinner.
• 19:00
  Sure. I'll try what you want to try
• 19:02
  and bed. Why not?
• 19:03
  Why does it hurt me? It doesn't Hurt me, you know,
• 19:06
  it's uncomfortable. Maybe but as we know from
• 19:09
  exposure therapy for anxiety, trying things and getting used
• 19:14
  to things is the best way to not be uncomfortable in the
• 19:17
  situation. So, if you're saying, well, you
• 19:19
  know why this or that makes me uncomfortable in any regard?
• 19:23
  I don't care if it's with your husband in bed, or with your
• 19:25
  kid, or with at work or in the gym or anywhere that such and
• 19:30
  such thing makes me uncomfortable.
• 19:32
  You really gotta think about, am I going To die.
• 19:36
  Is there is there a reason for my fear that is, you know, smart
• 19:41
  for example, you know, I'm a person with a heart condition
• 19:43
  and, and this CrossFit class May truly kill me in my doctor
• 19:47
  agrees, okay? So don't do CrossFit right, but
• 19:50
  for other people who are like our know about that class at the
• 19:53
  gym or whatever. It's anxiety.
• 19:56
  And how do we get rid of anxiety by doing the thing, right?
• 20:00
  Because then we feel we know that we're not going to actually
• 20:03
  die. We're going To survive and we
• 20:06
  feel proud of ourselves and biologically we habituate to the
• 20:10
  uncomfortable experience such that our heart rate decelerates
• 20:13
  over time. All of our fight and flight
• 20:15
  response is received because you can stay in the same situation
• 20:18
  for forever and still be as anxious as you were before it
• 20:22
  ends up, not being anxiety-provoking.
• 20:24
  So this is same thing with anything that you want to do,
• 20:27
  whether it's a romantic date, with your wife, that makes you
• 20:29
  uncomfortable doing what your husband wants you to do in bed,
• 20:31
  that makes you uncomfortable, whatever.
• 20:33
  The other thing to get from this podcast, Don't do this crazy
• 20:36
  semantic, warring where you say, but why do you want me to do
• 20:41
  something? I don't want to do because
• 20:43
  everyone wants everybody to do something.
• 20:45
  They don't want to do. Why do you want your kid to put
• 20:47
  his clothes in the hamper when he doesn't want to?
• 20:49
  When it's not as most authentic expression of himself?
• 20:51
  Could you got to be in a relationship in a family?
• 20:54
  Everybody can't leave their shit around, you know, and putting
• 20:57
  any individual romantic sexual etcetera behavior on a pedestal
• 21:01
  and saying, you know, this is the sacred cow, this is the area
• 21:04
  where You can push, anybody is death for the closeness and
• 21:09
  connection within the marriage and this is why I like the idea
• 21:12
  I mention all the time. Dan Savage is GGG, giving good
• 21:16
  and game is like you know used to be at least the standard
• 21:21
  within healthy sexual relationship.
• 21:24
  You want to be good your Technique Goods, you've read up
• 21:26
  on it, giving generous and game game is what's missing from most
• 21:31
  of the sexual and non-sexual interactions that I Of, in the
• 21:35
  unhappy, couples that come to see me.
• 21:37
  There's nobody's game, nobody's up for it, nobody's, whatever it
• 21:41
  is. So like woman says, I want to go
• 21:43
  get Chinese food tonight and the guys like mmm tonight.
• 21:47
  Well know why not just be like, okay, cool.
• 21:50
  Same as you would when you were dating, right?
• 21:52
  Guy says, if he could manage to get the words out, I'd like to
• 21:55
  try something new in bed and you said, cool, what is it?
• 21:59
  I mean, you know how like literally if I could just insert
• 22:02
  like implant like a voice box to the couple.
• 22:05
  That I work with and instead of them responding somehow, and
• 22:08
  when they're back in their house, I could press a buzzer
• 22:10
  and their voice would say sure. Let's go, like, for everything.
• 22:15
  They wouldn't have to come see me anymore.
• 22:17
  That would literally be the main change.
• 22:19
  And this is very difficult changed.
• 22:21
  For many people who grew up feeling constricted and made
• 22:26
  into nothing by the fact of their parents constant
• 22:30
  boundaries preferences rules restrictions.
• 22:35
  Then it's hard for them to not throw the baby out with the
• 22:37
  bathwater and say yeah, my parents were whether they were
• 22:41
  narcissistic, self-involved, whatever, they were struggling
• 22:46
  substance abuse, a drink it, whatever, my parents had their
• 22:49
  problems. So they made my childhood
• 22:51
  sucked, but that doesn't mean that I have to turn around and
• 22:55
  put my own preferences on such a pedestal that it's to the
• 22:59
  detriment of the marriage. And I try not to do that with my
• 23:01
  kids. So then, why would I think it
• 23:03
  would go? Well, when I'm do that with my
• 23:04
  spouse. It's so if you have a spouse
• 23:06
  that you feel puts their own boundaries on a pedestal and you
• 23:09
  do it to at least come with one example of each before you share
• 23:14
  my podcast. Because if you're just like, hey
• 23:16
  man, this totally describes you. Here's why you suck listen to
• 23:20
  this podcast, it's going to be 25 minutes on why you suck?
• 23:22
  Who's going to listen to that, nobody.
• 23:24
  But if you say, hey, I realized, you know, how I act about like
• 23:28
  when you want me to, you know, wear lingerie in bed and I say
• 23:34
  no all the time. And then you know like how when
• 23:37
  I asked you to read books on being more romantic and you
• 23:39
  don't do it, both of us are putting our preferences on too
• 23:43
  high of a pedestal and neither one of us is prioritizing the
• 23:46
  relationship in that interaction.
• 23:48
  I wonder why we both act rigid like that.
• 23:54
  Very few people are not going to engage on that topic.
• 23:57
  Particularly if either one of those things the laundry and bed
• 24:00
  or whatever. The hell I said the woman's one
• 24:02
  was is the parenting books. For the romantic book or
• 24:06
  whatever, especially if that's a special thing that they want.
• 24:09
  And they have always wanted it and now you're bringing up,
• 24:11
  like, a way to look at it yourself to say, why do I not do
• 24:15
  this? And I want to change it and I
• 24:17
  want to work on this together. People will be thrilled to do
• 24:20
  that and if they're not well this is why we have couples
• 24:22
  counseling, okay? So hope that was useful, please
• 24:25
  do subscribe. If it was subscribe, if it
• 24:28
  wasn't to subscribe. Subscribe subscribe and I will
• 24:31
  talk to everybody soon. Have a great day.