Latest / Finding God at Work / 4: Freedom from Resentment

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4: Freedom from Resentment · Finding God at Work

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  (Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hi, I'm Chris.
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  This is Finding God at Work.
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  Just a reminder that Finding God at Work
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  isn't just a podcast, it's also an online
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  course.
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  Check it out at FindingGodAtWork.org.
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  Our series is wholehearted, Becoming Healthier Christians at
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  Work.
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  A couple episodes we talked about loving God
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  with all our mind, and how the better
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  part of loving God with all our mind
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  at work is moving through the pain to
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  the pleasure of problem-solving by thinking through
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  things logically, imitating the way that Jesus is
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  a logician, doing the hard work even if
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  there's pain in the mind when you do
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  that work, so that you can do what's
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  best for the situation at hand, for the
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  things that fall under your responsibility at work.
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  So that's how we love God with our
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  minds at work, is doing that hard problem
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  -solving.
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  Then in our last episode, we talked about
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  the life of the emotions and how emotional
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  self-awareness is so important.
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  We talked about how our emotions, our feelings
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  are the spontaneous response that arrives to our
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  interpretation of events.
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  It's Alice Freiling's definition that she shared, but
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  how sometimes we don't even see what those
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  interpretations are.
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  We don't know the thoughts and ideas and
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  convictions that are really driving our feelings.
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  Sometimes they're hidden in what psychologist Daniel Kahneman
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  calls system one, our more immediate, fast kind
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  of thinking.
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  And even when we stop and think and
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  reflect using our system two, our more deliberative,
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  analytical kind of thinking, we may fill in
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  the blanks incorrectly.
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  We may not see what's really there.
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  And so that's why we need outside help.
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  We need God's grace to help us grow
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  in emotional self-awareness so that we can
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  actually experience change, so that we can experience
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  like, oh, this emotion doesn't have to dominate
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  my life.
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  Maybe this interpretation behind this emotion could be
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  clarified or challenged, like God challenged Jonah and
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  gave him a different vision of how much
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  the people of Nineveh mattered.
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  OK, so in this episode, we're going to
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  put both of those things together.
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  We're going to talk about how emotional self
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  -awareness can then circle back and help us
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  do the A to B to C logic
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  of problem solving at work.
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  So our thoughts and our feelings are meant
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  to go together.
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  This is really important.
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  And we often miss this.
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  Often we kind of play thoughts and feelings
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  off against each other and we might be
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  more of a feeler in our personality and
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  temperament or more of a thinker.
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  But the truth is all of us have
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  to do both.
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  And what we need to do is learn
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  how to put both of them together.
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  So I need to illustrate this practically.
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  So we're going to focus specifically on anger
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  and resentment, partly because that was the example
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  with Jonah.
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  But this is true for other kinds of
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  emotional self-awareness too.
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  We got to figure out a way to
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  identify what's the real interpretation behind what I'm
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  feeling.
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  What am I really feeling because of that?
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  And then how do I move forward?
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  And this is something that the Bible gives
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  a lot of attention to.
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  So I want to start with the teaching
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  of Jesus himself on this subject.
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  Again, Jesus is our anthropologist, right?
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  We're working through this part of the series,
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  theological anthropology, what does it mean to be
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  human, so that then we can look at
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  all the mental health issues that we may
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  face through that lens.
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  OK, so this is from Jesus's key teaching
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  in the Gospel of Matthew, the Sermon on
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  the Mount, Matthew chapter five.
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  And I'm just going to skip around a
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  little bit.
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  We're going to start with verse 21.
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  And then we're going to skip down to
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  the end when Jesus uses this analogy of
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  like a lawsuit.
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  So Jesus says, you have heard that it
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  was said to the people long ago, you
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  shall not murder, and anyone who murders will
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  be subject to judgment.
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  Subtle matters quickly with your adversary who is
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  taking you to court.
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  Do it while you are still together on
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  the way, or your adversary may hand you
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  over to the judge, and the judge may
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  hand you over to the officer, and you
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  may be thrown into prison.
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  Truly, I tell you, you will not get
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  out until you have paid the last penny.
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  OK, so Jesus is doing a couple different
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  things here.
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  Just want to break it down real quick.
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  He's taking a commandment of the Torah, one
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  of the 10 commandments, you shall not murder.
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  And he's saying, what does it mean to
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  live that out?
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  And he says, that's not just about literally
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  murdering people.
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  That's also about our experience of anger.
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  Anyone who is angry with a brother or
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  sister will be subject to judgment.
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  So it's not just about our external behavior.
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  It's about our interior life and the way
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  that we are feeling and thinking about other
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  people.
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  Then he gives this example of there's a
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  lawsuit.
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  Somebody has some reason to sue you, settle
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  out of court, right?
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  Don't dig into the long protracted lawsuit in
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  court.
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  Settle out of court, because he says, if
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  you don't do that, then the adversary, like
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  the prosecuting lawyer, is going to hand you
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  over to the judge, and the judge will
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  hand you over to the police or to
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  the prison officials.
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  And he says, you will not get out
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  until you have paid the last penny.
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  Now, what is Jesus getting at here?
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  I struggled with this verse when I was
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  younger, because I'm like, that's often not true.
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  Sometimes people get sued and they win, even
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  when they should have lost.
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  Sometimes it's not wise to settle out of
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  court.
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  What is Jesus getting at?
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  I think it's clear in his last statement.
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  He says, you will not get out until
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  you have paid the last penny.
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  What he's saying is, when you hold on
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  to anger and resentment against someone, when you're
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  not willing to settle with them, you're not
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  willing to settle accounts, you will pay a
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  price for that.
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  So connecting these two parts of what Jesus
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  is saying, he's saying it's your interior life
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  that really matters.
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  You need to pay attention, not just to
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  your external behavior, but to your interior life
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  of thoughts and emotions about other people.
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  And you need to let go of it
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  to settle out of court, so to speak,
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  in your relationships with other people.
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  You need to find a way to reach
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  a resolution.
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  Now, this is a huge contrast to our
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  normal way of operating in human relationships, especially
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  relationships at work.
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  So at least in the U.S. culture
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  that I'm familiar with, you have your buddies,
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  you have your friends, people that you go
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  to the bar with or that you go
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  to movies with.
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  Those are the people where you're really your
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  true self with.
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  Then you go to work.
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  And when you're at work, if you're a
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  professional, you are always nice to everybody, even
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  if you secretly despise them.
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  And so there's this duplicity, this two-ness
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  of who we are in our workplaces, where
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  of course we're going to be professional and
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  polite and interact with other people in appropriate
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  manners.
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  But on the inside, we're like, this person
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  is not my friend.
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  This person isn't good at their job.
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  We think all sorts of contemptuous thoughts about
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  our co-workers.
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  And so what Jesus is saying is a
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  real challenge, where he's saying, hey, that contemptuous
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  thought you're having about a co-worker, that's
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  what the do not murder command is really
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  about.
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  It's not just about the fact that you're
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  not going to kill your co-worker.
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  It's that you're seething with anger.
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  You're not settling with them, or you're not
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  reaching a resolution with them.
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  And that's creating this duplicity, this you look
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  like one thing, but really you're another.
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  You're not a simple integrated human being anymore.
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  You're a divided human being.
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  And this theme of how our anger, our
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  resentment, our relationship with other people can lead
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  to duplicity and division in our souls has
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  been looked at in human literature and film
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  and art for centuries.
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  So I want to give just one example
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  from Shakespeare's play, Macbeth.
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  Excuse me, the Scottish play, for those of
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  you who are superstitious.
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  But this is when Macbeth and his wife,
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  Lady Macbeth, are trying to discern, should we
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  go through with murdering King Duncan?
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  Because Macbeth has had this kind of portent,
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  this prophecy that he's going to become king,
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  and he and Lady Macbeth talk about it.
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  And she's like, you got to take action
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  into your own hands.
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  You should kill him.
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  You've got a chance to do it.
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  They finally resolve like, yes, we're going to
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  do this.
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  And Macbeth says, Away and mock the time
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  with fairest show.
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  False face must hide what the false heart
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  doth know.
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  Away and mock the time with fairest show.
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  False face must hide what the false heart
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  doth know.
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  That is what we're doing over and over
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  again in our workplace relationships whenever we harbor
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  anger or resentment against coworkers without reaching that
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  point of healthy resolution.
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  We have this fairest show of how we're
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  interacting with each other.
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  But really, we're mocking the time.
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  We're not being genuine.
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  Our face is false, and it's hiding this
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  false thing that's in our heart.
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  So what do we do about that?
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  What do we do about the fact that
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  we live in anger and resentment against our
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  coworkers?
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  Okay, just like with Jonah, God helped Jonah
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  reach a point of emotional self-awareness.
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  God can do this with us, too.
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  So one thing is we need to be
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  able to recognize when we're feeling this way
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  about our coworkers.
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  We need to be able to identify like,
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  oh, I am feeling angry right now.
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  And this can be really hard, sometimes because
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  of people's temperament, sometimes because of the way
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  people have been taught about anger.
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  So I want to go to a wise
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  Christian thinker, Gary Chapman, who's both a counselor
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  and a pastor, has written extensively about the
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  emotional life.
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  And he talks about implosive anger.
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  Rather than explosive anger, where you're just shouting
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  at people all the time, that can be
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  its own challenge.
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  But me and many people I know, we
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  struggle more with implosive anger, where it goes
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  inside.
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  This is what Gary Chapman says.
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  This is in his book, Anger, Taming a
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  Powerful Emotion.
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  Some Christians who would deplore explosive expressions of
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  anger fail to reckon with the reality that
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  implosive anger is fully as destructive in the
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  long run.
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  Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may
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  quickly turn to violence, implosive anger begins with
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  silence and withdrawal, but in time leads to
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  resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred.
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  Those who handle their anger implosively often begin
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  by denying that they are angry at all.
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  This response to anger is especially tempting to
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  Christians who have been taught that anger itself
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  is sinful.
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  Thus, one often hears individuals say one of
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  the following, I'm not angry, but I am
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  very frustrated.
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  I'm not angry, I'm just upset.
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  I'm not angry, but I am disappointed.
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  I'm not angry, I just don't like it
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  when people do me wrong.
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  Okay, so I don't know if that connects
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  with you, that definitely connects with me and
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  with my experience of anger.
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  I had read this teaching of Jesus about
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  how our interior life matters, and I had
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  interpreted it in my early life, starting when
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  I was a teenager, as a teaching that
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  I just should never feel angry.
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  And so because of that, whenever I felt
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  anger, I tried to rationalize it, exactly what
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  Daniel Kahneman was talking about.
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  I have this system one anger that's giving
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  rise to an experience of feeling about someone
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  else, but then my system two is looking
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  for some other explanation to fill in.
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  And I'm like, no, I'm not angry.
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  I'm dot, dot, dot frustrated.
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  That's usually the word I would use.
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  Now let's be honest, what is frustration?
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  Frustration is just anger with fewer calories.
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  Like it's like there's basically synonyms, right?
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  It's a dimmer switch difference, not a switch
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  light difference.
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  If you're frustrated, you are angry.
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  You're just a little bit angry.
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  And the reality is usually when I was
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  saying, I'm not angry, I'm frustrated.
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  I wasn't just frustrated.
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  I was angry.
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  The dimmer switch was higher up.
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  And so that first step is just being
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  able to recognize, oh, this is the emotion
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  that I'm feeling.
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  I'm feeling anger.
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  So what are some clues that you're feeling
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  that way?
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  Well, if you're saying something like, I'm not
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  angry, I'm dot, dot, dot, you're probably angry,
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  right?
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  Another thing, Gary Chapman noted that it begins
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  with silence and withdrawal, but then leads to
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  resentment.
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  So if you notice there's a relationship in
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  your workplace where you're just kind of giving
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  somebody the silent treatment, maybe not even intentional,
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  you're kind of avoiding them or withdrawing from
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  them, not being very emotionally present to them
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  when you talk with them.
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  You may be angry at that person.
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  You might need to think about like, oh,
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  wait, why am I treating this person this
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  way?
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  Why am I distancing myself from them?
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  Oh, it's because I'm mad at them.
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  I'm mad at them because of this thing.
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  They did.
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  Let's give a practical example.
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  Let's say that you're a nurse and you
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  work on a hospital floor, med surge, and
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  you've got a patient care tech that you
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  work with.
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  For those of you who don't know the
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  healthcare world, patient care tech are like the
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  people who handle a lot of the more
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  just like practical things.
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  So they're not dispensing medication like a nurse
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  would be, but they might turn patients so
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  that they don't have bed sores.
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  They might empty out bed pans.
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  They might help with moving things around in
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  the room for the patient.
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  They do really hard, really important work.
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  It's just less of a clinical role like
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  a nurse would have.
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  So let's say you're a nurse.
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  There's a specific patient care tech on your
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  med surge floor.
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  They're not always on the same shift as
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  you because of the way scheduling works.
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  But whenever they are on the same shift
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  as you, they are like the worst patient
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  care tech out of all the other ones
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  you have.
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  And so when you arrive and you realize
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  they're going to be the patient care tech
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  on your shift, you're just like internally.
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  You're like, this is going to be awful.
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  This workday is not going to be as
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  good as it would be if I had
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  one of the excellent patient care techs besides
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  this person.
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  Okay.
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  But now let's say you're a good Christian
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  nurse and you don't want to be angry.
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  And so when you see that person's name
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  on the schedule, you have this visceral reaction.
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  You don't acknowledge to yourself that you're angry
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  at that patient care tech.
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  Instead, you just say like, oh, I just
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  wish that they could do things a little
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  bit better.
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  You use that system to rationalization to try
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  and fill in the blanks in a way
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  that makes more acceptable sense to you.
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  But really, you're angry at that person.
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  Well, what's going to happen?
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  Even without intending to, even though you're trying
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  to be nice, you are going to develop
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  a resentment against that person.
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  You are going to develop a sense of
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  distance from them.
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  You're not going to be able to be
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  emotionally present to them.
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  Now, here's the thing.
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  I'm not saying that we need to overlook
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  this person's poor performance as a patient care
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  tech.
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  What I am saying is, this is going
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  to affect how you work with that person.
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  This is going to going back to the
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  doing the hard work with the pain in
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  the mind of thinking through A to B
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  to C logically in our workplaces.
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  We start screwing that process up when we
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  don't have trust in our teams.
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  So when you're angry at somebody like this,
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  you're distant from them.
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  You're not going to trust them very much.
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  So there might be a situation in which
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  the correct logical thing to do, the thing
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  that thinking through the situation clearly would demand
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  would be the nurse and the patient care
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  tech need to collaborate in a trusting way
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  to accomplish some execution of care for the
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  patient.
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  And you could know that, you could think
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  that, but then you end up avoiding doing
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  it that way.
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  You find some way to work around the
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  patient care tech because you don't have that
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  trust in that relationship because you don't have
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  that sense of we can collaborate.
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  So you see how our emotional interpretation of
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  other people's behavior leads to a change in
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  our own behavior that may lead to us
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  not doing what is most reasonable, most helpful
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  in our work.
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  This is how our thoughts and our feelings
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  connect.
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  So the question is, what can we do
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  about it?
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  What can we do about it?
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  Well, I think Jesus guides us here.
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  Again, what did Jesus say?
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  Settle out of court.
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  Find a way to reach a point of
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  resolution.
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  Don't just stew on things.
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  So this means we have two options when
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  we're confronted like a situation.
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  And we'll just stay inside the analogy with
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  the patient care tech.
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  You can either directly confront the patient care
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  tech about their poor behavior, their poor performance,
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  the things that are causing problems and reach
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  resolution that way.
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  Or you can let it go, like recognize,
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  oh, I'm having this experience of anger, but
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  then find a way to release it without
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  necessarily leading the confrontation.
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  Now, how do we know which of these
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  two options we should pursue?
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  Well, Jesus almost always encourages the first one.
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  In this passage, he encourages it.
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  In Matthew Chapter 18, he encourages it.
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  In other passages, the Apostle Paul encourages it.
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  Usually, when we have an issue with someone,
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  the right thing to do is to talk
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  to them about it.
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  Now, that requires courage.
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  So that may be your spiritual formation challenge
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  in your workplace this week is asking God
• 15:59
  for the courage to appropriately talk to someone
• 16:02
  else about some of their behavior or performance
• 16:05
  issues that are causing a real problem and
• 16:07
  getting the work done.
• 16:09
  Now, that may, in a workplace environment, be
• 16:11
  appropriate for you to do directly with that
• 16:12
  person.
• 16:13
  You may need to involve their manager depending
• 16:15
  on the situation.
• 16:16
  You've got to use discernment.
• 16:17
  You've got to use discernment.
• 16:19
  But there are situations where it is impossible
• 16:22
  to do a confrontation.
• 16:24
  This may be because, like in the medsurg
• 16:26
  example, it may be you literally have no
• 16:28
  time to have that kind of conversation with
• 16:30
  the patient care tech.
• 16:31
  Like the schedules just do not allow for
• 16:33
  you to have relational access to them.
• 16:35
  It's crazy how schedules work in hospitals these
• 16:37
  days, but that literally could be the case
• 16:39
  for you.
• 16:39
  And you might not have a way to
• 16:40
  contact them and sort of have some sort
• 16:42
  of conversation before or after a shift.
• 16:45
  It could also be that maybe there's a
• 16:48
  power differential, right?
• 16:49
  A nurse tends to have more clout than
• 16:51
  a patient care tech.
• 16:53
  But what if this patient care tech is,
• 16:54
  you know, I don't know, the nephew of
• 16:56
  the CEO of the hospital or something.
• 16:58
  And so you're afraid of how you might
• 17:00
  face consequences.
• 17:01
  There might be power dynamics that make it
• 17:03
  more difficult for you to pursue a confrontation
• 17:05
  in a healthy way.
• 17:07
  So what do you do if in discernment
• 17:09
  in prayer, you're like, OK, I feel like
• 17:12
  I can't confront this person.
• 17:14
  There's there's no way to do it.
• 17:16
  Well, you still need to have that moment
• 17:19
  of hearing from the Lord.
• 17:21
  Do you do well to be angry, right?
• 17:23
  You need the Lord to be able to
• 17:24
  speak to you about the anger that you're
• 17:26
  experiencing, just like he did with Jonah.
• 17:29
  So there's a couple things that can be
• 17:30
  really helpful for that.
• 17:31
  One is to reflect on your own emotions
• 17:34
  and and just notice that you're feeling the
• 17:36
  anger.
• 17:37
  So one practice, we've talked about this in
• 17:39
  a previous episode that I do for this
• 17:41
  is a daily examine.
• 17:42
  At the end of my work day, I
• 17:43
  review and I just ask what feelings did
• 17:46
  I feel today?
• 17:47
  And then if I notice like, oh, I
• 17:49
  felt angry, then you can pray about it.
• 17:51
  You can kind of bring God into that
• 17:52
  discussion, right?
• 17:53
  Or more accurately, bring yourself into God's awareness
• 17:57
  that he already has of your emotions and
• 17:59
  listen for what he has to say about
• 18:00
  it.
• 18:01
  The second thing you can do is you
• 18:02
  can share your emotions with another person.
• 18:04
  So genes 516 says, confess your sins to
• 18:07
  each other and pray for each other so
• 18:09
  that you may be healed.
• 18:10
  I think that's true that we can confess
• 18:11
  our sins.
• 18:12
  I think it's also true that we can
• 18:13
  just confess our emotions, so to speak.
• 18:15
  So I have a prayer buddy, Brett, he
• 18:17
  lives in Virginia and sometimes we'll confess sins
• 18:20
  to each other.
• 18:20
  But sometimes we end up doing what we
• 18:21
  call confessing the situation, right?
• 18:23
  We're just like, there's a situation in my
• 18:25
  workplace and I don't know if I've done
• 18:26
  anything wrong, but I'm feeling things about it.
• 18:28
  So I'm just going to confess the situation
• 18:30
  to you.
• 18:30
  I find that is so incredibly helpful.
• 18:32
  Even if Brett doesn't have amazing wisdom for
• 18:35
  me about what I should do, just being
• 18:37
  able to verbalize to him, here's the relationship
• 18:40
  and what's going wrong with it and how
• 18:41
  I feel, it reaches a better point of
• 18:44
  clarity and it helps me sometimes let go
• 18:46
  of anger.
• 18:47
  It's like, okay, I was just able to
• 18:48
  somehow process this in a way where I
• 18:50
  don't have to stew about it anymore.
• 18:53
  I can let it go.
• 18:55
  So bringing it to God in prayer, bringing
• 18:57
  it to another person in confession, whether that's
• 18:59
  confession of sin or just confessing the situation,
• 19:01
  the emotion can be really helpful.
• 19:04
  And in these situations where you're not going
• 19:06
  to get that resolution in the relationship itself,
• 19:09
  how do you reach a point of emotional
• 19:10
  resolution for your own health?
• 19:12
  How can you be a healthier Christian at
• 19:14
  work yourself?
• 19:15
  And the best guidance about this that I've
• 19:17
  ever received was from Kenyon Archbishop Eliot Wabakala.
• 19:21
  He preached on this passage in 1 Peter
• 19:24
  once and it has this verse, maybe a
• 19:25
  familiar verse, it's chapter 4 verse 8, where
• 19:28
  it says love covers over a multitude of
• 19:30
  sins.
• 19:32
  And what Archbishop Wabakala said about this verse
• 19:34
  is, that's not about your sins.
• 19:37
  It's not like, oh, I've got a multitude
• 19:39
  of sins and love has got me covered,
• 19:40
  right?
• 19:40
  He's like, you know, God's love does cover
• 19:42
  sins, but what this verse is actually guiding
• 19:44
  us toward is expressing that love for someone
• 19:47
  else.
• 19:48
  If somebody else has a multitude of sins
• 19:50
  and we're not always able to analyze and
• 19:52
  nitpick and get a point of relational resolution
• 19:54
  about every single way that this person has
• 19:56
  messed up.
• 19:57
  So you know what?
• 19:58
  Love covers a multitude of sins.
• 20:00
  We just love them.
• 20:01
  We accept them.
• 20:02
  We love them as they are, even though
• 20:04
  their sins are multitudinous.
• 20:07
  That was an incredibly freeing word for me,
• 20:09
  where it's like, okay, sometimes love covers a
• 20:12
  multitude of sins.
• 20:13
  Sometimes we're not going to get to this
• 20:15
  point of amazing Matthew 18 style resolution with
• 20:18
  every single human being that has ever offended
• 20:20
  us, but love can cover a multitude of
• 20:22
  sins.
• 20:22
  I don't have to carry anger and resentment
• 20:24
  against that person, even if we didn't have
• 20:27
  a picture perfect resolution in our friendship in
• 20:29
  our working relationship.
• 20:31
  So that's my prayer for you as you
• 20:33
  think about your work relationships.
• 20:36
  Can you start to notice when you're having
• 20:38
  an emotional reaction?
• 20:40
  Can you welcome the Lord into that?
• 20:42
  Can you process it with another person?
• 20:45
  And then can you move to a point
• 20:46
  of resolution, whether that's gently and appropriately confronting
• 20:49
  the other person or love covering a multitude
• 20:53
  of sins.
• 20:54
  And as you do that, you will reap
• 20:56
  benefits not just in your own emotional freedom,
• 20:58
  but also in your efficacy as a worker.
• 21:02
  Because when you have more solid work relationships
• 21:04
  because they're free from this anger and resentment,
• 21:07
  you're going to be able to collaborate better.
• 21:08
  You're going to be able to do A
• 21:10
  to B to C better and to love
• 21:11
  the Lord your God with all your mind
• 21:13
  better in the workplace.
• 21:15
  So there's so many benefits.
• 21:17
  It's good for you.
• 21:18
  It's good for the other people.
• 21:19
  It's good for the work that you're getting
• 21:20
  done.
• 21:24
  Lord Jesus, thank you that you give us
• 21:26
  freedom that we don't have to live under
• 21:28
  the thumb of anger and resentment.
• 21:30
  We can be free from that as you
• 21:31
  help us become aware of what we're feeling.
• 21:34
  We do ask for your wisdom that you
• 21:36
  would give us that insight to see our
• 21:38
  system one responses and not just be trapped
• 21:41
  by system two rationalizations to see what's really
• 21:44
  going on for us, how we're really interpreting
• 21:46
  events and to let you into that, to
• 21:48
  let your voice speak to us and free
• 21:51
  us to take healthy next steps.
• 21:54
  Jesus, do your work in us as we
• 21:56
  do our work with you.
• 22:02
  Thanks for listening.
• 22:04
  Finding God at Work is a production of
• 22:05
  Mission Central a ministry based in Aurora, Illinois
• 22:08
  dedicated to forming Christians for mission in everyday
• 22:11
  life.
• 22:12
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• 22:14
  listen to this episode to get 10 minutes
• 22:16
  of teaching on faith and work every Tuesday
• 22:18
  and Thursday.
• 22:19
  To get resources to go deeper with each
• 22:21
  podcast series, read our blog, and get info
• 22:23
  about upcoming courses on faith in the workplace,
• 22:26
  go to our website, MissionCentral.Church.