Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "Spirit Week" And Constant School Emails Are Unfair To Kids And Parents Alike

Transcript

"Spirit Week" And Constant School Emails Are Unfair To Kids And Parents Alike · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today we're going to talk about Spirit Week.
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  If you don't know what that is, God bless you and constant
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  school emails. And for some of you without
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  small children and that are school age children, you might
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  be quite amazed at how school has metastasized into this like
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  huge creature with its tentacles right into the home.
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  But for others of you, this will be fairly validating and
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  representative of your experience with your school aged
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  children. And I discussed the impact on
• 0:39
  marriage, mental health, and so forth.
• 0:42
  Before we get to that, please do subscribe.
• 0:44
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  intimacy porn that I saw, which as I've discussed, that's like
• 0:53
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• 1:00
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• 1:06
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  compare yourself to. Because it is not not real.
• 1:13
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  couples and how they impact your comparison point and your
• 1:22
  thoughts about your own relationship and of course,
• 1:25
  almost 150 other subscriber episodes.
• 1:29
  All right. So Spirit Week is a week that
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  has lots of fun for kids. You know, like some kids, as
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  I'll discuss where every day in the week.
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  And I do this like once or twice a year in schools is a different
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  day, a different theme. So it's like, dress as your
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  favorite athlete or, you know, your favorite sports team, Get a
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  jersey, dress like somebody from 100 years ago, dress like
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  somebody from a different decade, blah blah blah, Wacky
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  hair day, wacky Wednesday, all of this stuff, right?
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  So if you have a parent who is in the full blush of mental
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  health and can do and has lots of time and lots of money and
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  the inclination to participate and to help you be your best
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  self, then you can certainly have a great time with this.
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  Now, however, there are many, many children that are not in
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  that blessed circumstance, correct.
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  So there are a lot of kids who, you know, just don't have that
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  privilege as we call it, privilege because it's privilege
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  and they do not have the ability to do all of these different
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  things during the week because their parents are not able to to
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  do that. They don't have the money or
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  they're depressed. They struggle with addiction or
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  depression or PTSD or like anything that stops them from
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  not being overwhelmed at the idea of this, from actively
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  getting the stuff or from affording the stuff that is
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  necessary to example, get a sports jersey or or anything
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  else. So really these things like
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  Spirit Week disproportionately affect one group, which is
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  children and dysfunctional families, and everything
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  disproportionately impacts these kids.
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  So school doing it sucks because, you know, school's
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  really a respite for a lot of children and dysfunctional
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  families, as you know, you hear later on where they say school
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  was the time where, you know, everything was OK and my
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  teachers were really nice and it was warm and it was light and it
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  was safe and I knew what to do. Nobody, you know, hit me or
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  yelled at me or was drunk or, you know, whatever.
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  People seemed happy. So basically, school can be like
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  really a respite for particularly little kids that
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  are in dysfunctional families. They like the routine, they they
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  like the happy, you know, encouraging tone of the teacher,
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  et cetera, et cetera. If your kids are the ones who
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  always have awesome stuff for Spirit Week, then you know it
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  could be an epiphany to imagine the other kids who don't, whose
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  parents don't even really remember it's happening, who
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  assume that it must be beyond all the other parents also to
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  get it together to do it. If you're some somebody who
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  struggles with getting to your job on time, then getting your
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  kid like a wacky hairstyle is like, so, so low on the totem
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  pole. And of course, if you're
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  somebody that then judges these parents, that's unlikely because
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  you probably wouldn't be listening to my podcast.
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  But I mean, judge, judge not, et cetera, et cetera.
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  Like people are struggling with a lot of shit.
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  And none of those people were raised in homes where Spirit
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  Week would have been possible either, or they'd be able to do
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  it themselves, right? And there's also medical issues,
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  there's physical issues, there's just all sorts of shit going on.
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  So you know if you are somebody who struggles with depression
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  and you can't really focus on stuff and you're told that
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  there's like 5 upcoming of things that you have to dress
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  your kid up to for, it just leads to just complete paralysis
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  And and then your kid doesn't have anything to wear.
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  Or they put their own outfit together and it's obvious that
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  they're the only one who put their outfit together because
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  everybody else's parents put their outfit together and
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  believe me, you could tell the difference.
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  So you know then on. So all right, that's spirit
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  week. And spirit week really fucking
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  sucks for people who don't have their shit together otherwise as
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  I just explained. But then there's also like
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  constant e-mail contact from the school and this is destroying
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  marriages, man. I see it all the time and my
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  couples clients and as I say, I'm working with the with the
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  privileged, you know, and if they can't deal with it, nobody
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  could deal with it, right? Because I work with many, many
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  super successful people, right. Anybody who could afford a self
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  pay psychologist is going to be doing pretty well and especially
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  if you're the kind of person that could be like oh you know
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  what I want? That special person that wrote
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  that special thing that I read on Medium, then you're obviously
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  like doing pretty good in terms of organizational capacity,
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  ability to plan, and money. With all of those things, the
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  constant school e-mail contact makes people just overwhelmed,
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  bewildered, angry. I mean, there are hours and
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  hours of shit that you have to do with your kids to deal with
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  the amount of stuff that they are expected to to do on the
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  regular that has nothing really even to do with the other stuff
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  you're supposed to do, which is family stuff.
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  So you're supposed to have family stuff.
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  You're supposed to have family dinner, supposed to be able to
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  like, you know, relax and have fun with your family at night.
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  Anybody would say that that's important.
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  Then how are you going to do that?
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  If the school emailed you that, like, you know, your kid you
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  know, misbehaved during the day, your kid misbehaved during the
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  day, fine, that sucks. If it's a pattern, that's
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  terrible. But that just ruined your night,
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  right? You got to talk to your kid
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  about it. You got to, like, figure out
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  what's going on. You got to talk to the other
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  parents about it. You and the other parent
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  probably don't agree on what you're supposed to do with the
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  kid. Then you got to talk.
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  You got to e-mail back the teacher.
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  This all occurs, obviously, during your work day, so you got
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  to worry about that. Then you're anxious about what's
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  happening at work while you're dealing with the teacher.
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  You got to text your kid and be like the hell is wrong with you,
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  you know? I mean, there's like a lot of
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  shit. It's a lot of moving parts in
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  this. Used to be that, like a kid
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  would misbehave unless they lit some shit on fire.
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  You weren't going to hear about it until parent teacher
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  conference. And it's the same thing with the
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  constant grades, right? Every time they get graded for
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  anything, you got to see it. So it ruins your day, you know?
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  Oh fuck, he got a 64. What did he get a 64 on?
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  Which is something I was supposed to help him with.
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  I'm sure it was because that is the only category that exists
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  nowadays and so then you feel terrible.
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  You feel guilty like all of these things.
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  Some men listening to this are like what kind of crazy shoot is
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  this? And to those of you I refer you
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  to my podcast, Women think about the kids a lot More than men
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  Understand and full stop. And also my post for many years
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  ago, 7 Reasons Women Are So Stressed Out All the Time.
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  Women feel that they are very, very responsible for the
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  children and their well-being and their success in a way that
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  even men do not seem to feel. Men seem to be able to say,
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  well, that's him, you know, gets a 64, you know, but you know a
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  lot easier than women can say that.
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  And so this constant back and forth with the school and the
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  emailing and the fact that you could check their grades in real
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  time and you could check like whether they're picking their
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  nose or not in real time, like every God damn thing they do is
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  real time. You know, it's like the
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  panopticon. You see everything and you don't
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  need to see everything. And it's super stressful.
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  And particularly if a marriage or a family is already strained,
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  because guess what? The kid who's misbehaving at
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  school, guess what he does at home.
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  He doesn't act great either. So it's all you're already
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  stressed out by that kid and then now you got to deal with
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  reprimanding him or giving him consequences or whatever the
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  hell you think you're supposed to do.
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  Because he also misbehaved at school, which you didn't really
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  have to know about, unless he hurt somebody you know or did
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  something real, which is not the level.
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  Sure that they they e-mail you that they probably come to your
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  house, but you know, they e-mail you anything.
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  They don't show up with their pen, they don't show up with
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  their pencil, this that the other.
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  So this constant involvement, it stresses everybody but nobody
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  more than the people who are already struggling.
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  So truly, I am certainly not in any sort of school policy, you
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  know, making a position. But mostly the reason for this
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  instead of saying what could you do?
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  Well, what you could do is like make it back to how it was in
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  many ways. You don't need to know what the
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  hell goes on all the time. You certainly don't have to have
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  Spirit Week that isn't planned with stuff that's at the school.
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  I'm all about Spirit Week. If we make our costume in art
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  class, you know, because then everybody makes something that
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  looks kind of the same and it sucks except for the two people
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  that are good at art, which great, cool.
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  But you know, it's not like, oh, everybody has a jersey and I
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  have this T-shirt, you know, it's just like, not like that.
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  But anyway, or I have no T-shirt because my parents didn't
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  remember, or because they don't care, or because they were drunk
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  last night. But anyway, so that's an easy
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  fix, you know? But the other one with the
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  constant contact, None of it isn't really an easy fix.
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  You can't change what your kids school does, but it this is to
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  validate that there are very few couples that can weather this
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  sort of constant engagement from the school without having at
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  least a couple fights about it and being just kind of under
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  stress. Whenever they check their e-mail
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  and it's something from the school or checking the grades or
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  this and that and the other If you're lucky enough that your
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  kids do really, really well at school, then it's a pleasure to
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  log in and see their little A's and hundreds.
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  But for anybody with a kid that's struggling with ADHD,
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  with a learning disability, with behavior issues, with
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  depression, anxiety, whatever, then it's the worst part of your
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  day to log in and that is going to carry over into everything
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  else that happens in the home. So as a couple, you could listen
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  to this and say, wow, maybe we could feel validated.
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  Maybe it's not just us and maybe it's a systemic problem, you
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  know? And we could decide ourselves
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  not to maybe take it as seriously, not to log in as
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  much, not to allow it to, like, destroy our evening because we
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  realize that it has the capacity to do that for everybody, that
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  that that engages with it. We ourselves might even limit
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  the times that we check, that we check the grades.
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  Or maybe we could just kind of bond over it, Like, if it sucks,
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  we could try to look at this as a bad thing instead of thinking
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  of it as just a thing that like, somehow is supposed to be good
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  for us and our kid because it involves the school and parental
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  involvement and it's supposed to be good.
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  Yeah, everything can jump the shark.
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  Parental involvement can be too much, just like any other thing
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  to be too much. You know you could drink enough
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  water to make yourself sick like like people did at the marathon.
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  There was something about where 5K's they drink like so so much
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  water that they make themselves sick.
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  It was like some condition. But but the point is, is you can
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  have, like, yeah, sure, not knowing what school your kid
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  goes to, that's bad. But it's also bad to hear every
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  little goddamn thing that they do.
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  And then to have to think about it.
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  And then to be expected to respond to it.
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  And and to be expected to know everything that's going on and
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  to be able to have to say things like, oh, like your history
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  assignment on the Incans, like, didn't go well.
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  What happened like fucking 17 times a day whenever you get
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  pinged with a new assignment. And if you have more than one
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  kid, this is times a million, right?
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  It's times however many kids you have, so this is a stressor.
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  It's very difficult. The the parental involvement
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  disproportionately impacts kids with whose parents are
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  struggling. And I know also of course if
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  your parents struggles with anger then them getting a little
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  rundown of everything you do wrong is going to make your life
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  terrible and and it can cultivate some empathy.
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  But as a couple listening to it, you could say, wow this is
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  something that really sucks for people.
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  Let's try to think of ways that it doesn't have to suck so much
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  for us. You know let let's take a step
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  back on how important this really is.
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  Every single assignment isn't do or die.
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  The kid fails one assignment that's not the end of the world.
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  You know, they are their own person too, at a certain point.
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  And and and we just got to understand that everybody
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  doesn't get, you know, good grades on everything.
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  If there's some behavior issues that rise to the level that we
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  have to have a school meeting, that sucks.
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  But, you know, it's every single time I get contact about
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  anything, maybe I don't have to catastrophize it and think that
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  it's the end of the world, et cetera, et cetera.
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  Now some people are struggling with their kids having real,
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  real bad behavior problems. And for those people, you know,
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  the family therapy could be useful.
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  Definitely therapy for the child.
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  There's like all sorts of ways. Basically, those are the two
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  ways family therapy, therapy for the child.
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  Sometimes a psychiatrist can help with medication.
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  Or if your own anxiety is through the roof beyond even
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  what I'm talking about, then you yourself could go to therapy to
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  think about why you're so triggered by your child getting
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  a bad grade. And I'll tell you why.
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  Because you put too much emphasis on being a perfect
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  parent, and you conflate the child's achievement with your
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  ability to parent. And probably that's because your
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  own parent either didn't give a shit about you.
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  They did give a shit about you, but they didn't have the skills
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  to really show that. So like for example, an adult
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  child of an alcoholic parent would commit to being super
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  invested in everything their kid does and then if they see their
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  kid doesn't hand in the assignments they feel personally
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  like a failure. Or your parent was up your ass
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  the same way as you're up your kids ass about every little
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  thing and was more on the tiger mom domain or tiger dad.
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  But your tiger mom slash dad did not have a constant stream of of
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  emails coming, so they weren't even able to be as tiger mom
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  slash dad as you can and that's not a good thing.
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  So think about it. And also, if you are the person
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  that does not get your child your child's spirit week stuff
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  in order that that is, that is nothing to be ashamed of.
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  Many, many people don't do that. Your kid.
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  There are many people whose parents forget it.
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  There are many people who don't have the right thing for Spirit
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  Week. So.
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  So that is not anything to beat yourself up about.
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  What I'm saying here is it is extremely hard for everybody to
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  balance this unrelenting amount of shit that is expected from
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  the schools in addition to their own life, mental health,
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  etcetera. So I personally forgot my
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  child's first picture day, my oldest, when she was in
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  kindergarten. I felt like trash about it.
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  It was like the worst. I sent her just like a regular
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  T-shirt with a ponytail and everybody else had, like, you
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  know, their special outfit. Odd was literally her first
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  picture day and I felt super bad about it.
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  And so it happens to everybody. So it's it's nothing to beat
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  yourself up about. More to say.
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  Wow, I didn't realize that so many people struggle with this.
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  That really makes sense and it makes me feel better for how I
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  struggle with it, right. All right, well, I hope you guys
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  got something out of this and I will talk to you all soon.
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  Have a great day.