Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do High Libido Monogamous Women Have Spontaneous Desire?

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Do High Libido Monogamous Women Have Spontaneous Desire? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctor.
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Psych mom show in which I'm going to talk about high libido
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women with in, monogamy, they do exist and also back to
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everybody's favorite topic spontaneous vs.
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Responsive desire, which I already have a podcast about you
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really ought to go back and refer to the podcast on
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responsive desire to fully understand this.
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Before this one before that though, please do subscribe.
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Bye. Have a great one most recently
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about how not to yell at your kids because then you won't get
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About our people with daddy issues different from people
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etc. I mean, I just have loads of
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content. Also, please do follow me on
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Tick Tock because if you had followed me, I'm take talk.
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You would have already known a kind of a 60-second sound bite
1:00
of this entire podcast, so you would be ahead of the game.
1:04
Game, which will appeal to many of my clients who love to know
1:09
everything about a particular topic.
1:12
If you are a man that identifies as somebody who likes to know
1:14
everything about a particular topic, stop sending my shit to
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your wife so that I don't have to feel guilty for when she
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yells at you about it. Because if you're in and dating
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her, with all of my shit, that is not what I ever intended.
1:29
I meant like share a podcast every couple of months, you
1:32
know, not like say here's like the top tens.
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Psych mom podcast. And by the way, we can also see
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her for couples counseling on Tuesday because she isn't going
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to want to do that. So stop inundating and refer
1:44
back to the preoccupied. Attachment husband podcast, if
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you are somebody who has been doing this.
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All right anyway, so let's get to the topic at hand, some men,
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do not understand how it is possible, they would love to
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believe me, but they just don't because apparently it doesn't
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make sense. Ooh, them how I say that?
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The great great, great majority of women do not experience
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spontaneous desire anymore with in monogamy and only experience
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responsive desire. But yet, I say that there are
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some women who are the higher libido partner within their
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marriages. And I say that two-thirds of the
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people that I see are the higher libido man is the partner.
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And in a third, it's the higher libido woman.
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That is the partner. That's upset with the other
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first of all, just because I see a third of In my practice just
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because I see a third of cases where the woman is the higher
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libido partner? Does that not mean that?
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This is a third of the time in the wild it is.
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I am one of the few people that speaks about sex at all to this
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level as a psychologist and certainly one of the few that
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I've been told ever discusses the situation where the woman is
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the higher libido partner. So basically all of y'all with
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that problem, try to come to me. So I think I'm getting more of
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you than And certainly the base rates in the population.
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I do not really think our 2/3 1/3 but I think it's less but
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let's even say that it is right for the sake of argument.
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Let's say that somehow a third I mean I just don't believe that
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so I can't even say it for our hypothetical.
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So let's say like a quarter, right?
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Or a fifth of the time, the woman is a higher libido
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partner. Then do these magical unicorn.
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Experience spontaneous, desire within monogamy.
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After a few years, well, okay, a couple of things.
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First of all, you know, you know about the normal distribution, I
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mentioned at all the time you've taken statistics or at least,
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you know, what a bell curve looks like, yeah, there's a
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tail, there's two tails, you know.
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And in one of those Tales are some women that just sit around
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getting hot and bothered. I mean do I meet them after a
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couple years of marriage know they can manifest A couple of
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times, a couple of different ways a when you ovulate, then
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you really do think more about sex be.
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When you've had some sort of trigger, like the one that I
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always mention, see in the hot guy at the gym or what have you
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watching 50 Shades of Grey watching people like this.
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Outlander. I tried to get through it.
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I couldn't apologies to all of the fans.
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I did not like it, but you still, you know, must like me.
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Because I am the repository of podcasts on spontaneous desire.
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But anyway, if your wife wants, Just some shit that turns her on
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if she's ovulating or some women increasingly as they go into
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perimenopause, try out some hormones.
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If you try some testosterone, your sex drive may be through
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the roof, you know? And that isn't to say that there
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are not other side effects. Otherwise I would certainly be
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Hawking that quite a bit. There are there can be migraine
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and tiredness and growing hair and breaking out and you know, a
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lot of shit but I mean you know talk to your provider.
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But I'm not an MD, as I say all over the place as a disclaimer.
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But anyway, yeah, like, women can do.
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And also, if a woman is having an emotional affair or a
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physical Affair, then she is going to be turned on all the
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time because she is actively in a new relationship, even in her
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mind and therefore she is no longer a monogamous woman.
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She's not a woman in long-term monogamy anymore at least in her
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mind. She's not So this can also work.
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If she has like a crush on somebody, you know, then in her
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mind she's not a long-term monogamous woman anymore.
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Her hormones are racing as though she's in a new
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relationship, called new relationship, energy by people
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who are into poly polyamory but anyway in.
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So yeah there are some women who just like innately have a super
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super super high sex drive, I don't really know them or talk
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to them. However, however there are women
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that do have a high High libido. That isn't like a man's libido.
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That's more like what a woman's high libido would look like, and
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they frequently identifies the higher libido partner, despite
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not experiencing spontaneous desire at all.
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So then let me describe to you again spontaneous versus
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responsive desire, because a lot of guys don't really understand
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this because to them, it's crazy.
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They've never they've never experienced it, so they can't
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really understand it. So spontaneous desire is when
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you are hard, right? You have an erection, you want
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to have sex. It's pretty fucking obvious
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right now. I'm meeting, you know, it's hard
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to miss, you know, I am turned on.
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I am hard, I want to have sex. If there were a woman right
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here, I would have sex with her because I have this erection
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right now. This is this not like that for
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women not really at all again unless they're ovulating or any
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of this shit that I just said so you can scroll back.
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You know there are verbally you can rewind as the word anyway
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but for so a man is like they can't even picture decoupling
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desire. Her from feeling aroused.
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So what we really have to do is decouple desire from arousal
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with women, desire and arousal, or not the same thing at all
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four men. They're exactly the same thing.
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So, spontaneous desire, basically, let's just call it
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arousal, that will help and then responsive desire.
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We just called desire desire and arousal or not the same thing.
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So, if you're like, how the fog is that possible women are even
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fucking crazier than I thought. Well, let me explain.
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Bleh. So as a woman, so a woman with a
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high libido, here's how she thinks.
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I know I enjoy sex, so I want to have sex later when sex is
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possible currently at this very moment.
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I don't necessarily even think I could have sex.
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For example, I am not physiologically aroused to have
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sex. I am not lubricated, I am not
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anything. Of course, a woman, doesn't
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think like this. I'm doing a thought experiment.
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For you so she doesn't articulate that.
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I am not lubricated unless she is like a robot woman which may
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be returned some of y'all on. Don't tell me if so.
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But the point is, she thinks. Hmm.
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Can't possibly have sex now she Chevy.
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Just like not even an option, I'm like having lunch.
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For example, I am with the children.
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I mean, do you know, you really don't think about sex with the
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children but or I am at work or this is a boring meeting or like
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whatever. So I am thinking about having
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sex later, I am not Really getting turned on in any
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discernible way, there's no increased in my blood pressure,
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my my heart rate or, or lubrication, or anything like
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that. As there might be for a man who
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was on a boring, Zoom meeting fantasizing about sex.
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He may easily get an erection particularly if he's a younger
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man and of course, by the way women that are like 18 years
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old, do get spontaneously aroused again, they're not in
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long-term monogamy. So also a 35 45 55 year old
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woman who is not In a long-term relationship, she gets she
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experiences more spontaneous desire.
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What we're talking about is within long-term monogamy,
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woman's spontaneous. Desire goes down, so just to
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make sure that we're all on the same page.
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This is a married woman sitting there on a zoom meeting saying,
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it would be nice to have sex later.
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I know that within my sexual encounter later, the one that I
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do not want right now, I will enjoy myself.
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What is an analogy to understand this?
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Your wife feels tense and her muscles hurt.
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So she schedules a massage. If you are too lazy to do it for
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her, not the scheduling the massage, I've talked frequently
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about how men if they up their massage game will probably get
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laid a hell of a lot more. Particularly by higher libido,
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women or women with a more sensual erotic blueprint.
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You can refer back to my erotic blueprint.
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Post on to understand that that's on dr.
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Psych mom.com. I think I made a podcast but who
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the hell knows? So the point being your wife
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says, I my back hurts, I am going to call to schedule a
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massage. Does she then feel relaxed?
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Does she feel relaxed? It like she's having the massage
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just by calling and scheduling and planning and visualizing the
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massage know that even remotely, Norwood a man and the same
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circumstance. However, she schedules it and
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pays that money because she knows she's gone away.
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Get. So she is a high libido for
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massage woman in that situation. She has a high drive to get a
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massage because she knows she's going to enjoy it so it's much
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the same for high libido women that's still within monogamy
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mostly experience, responsive desire.
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They know they are going to want sex when they start having sex
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so they visualize it and plan for it and get angry and
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annoyed. Annoyed and irritated when the
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man doesn't initiate or in cases, where he's the lower
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libido partner, where he rejects them because they know they're
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gonna like it when it happens knocked because they are sitting
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there in an active state state of arousal.
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Similar to a male now, why on a, in a psychological sense, do
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women partner with men who don't want sex, because there are the
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same red flags for those men, as there are for women, and I've
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talked about them before the squeamishness, the Rejecting of
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going outside the box or having oral sex.
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Let's say you're having sex with women when she hasn't just taken
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a shower or touching different parts of the woman's body.
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There's always red flags that this guy is a prude in bed.
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As there are four red flags for when a woman is approved in bed,
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this is the same. Why do women get themselves in
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that situation? Well what do I tell the man low
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self-esteem and I just recently did a podcast on literally why
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people don't think they deserve good sex.
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So refer back to that this is never A psychologically healthy
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thing to do to get into a situation where somebody rejects
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you, for sex is particularly damaging for women, because they
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are in the minority, and they were raised to think they were
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inculcated. And in the idea that they will
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be the pursued partner. So, whereas men are really not
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raised to think that unless they only watch porn, and I've never
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seen anything else in the popular media, they will assume
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that they do have to pursue You know, we are as women are
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trained by the popular media that they should not.
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So think about the low self-esteem and how how strong
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your feelings of low self-esteem would have to be to go in
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opposition to everything, you've been trained to think to be the
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woman who thinks that they do not deserve to be pursued and
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they are with this guy who barely touches them, who needs
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to get drunk to have sex with them and only after they brush
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their teeth and take a shower and like, you know, whatever the
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hell And I hear all sorts of things and counseling.
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So these are these are real. You know, these are these are
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signs that a man is is a lower libido man.
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When he has all of these restrictions around sex and how
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to think about sites, it out of talk about sex and want to have
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sex. Why would a woman get into that
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sort of situation a woman with a healthy strong libido because
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she doesn't think she deserves any different, you know, because
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of self-esteem issues originating and her upbringing
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as I have discussed Ad nauseam, but we'll continue.
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When you to do so because it is so relevant for people to
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understand why they get themselves into these no-win
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situations women more than men because again, why nap?
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Because of the patriarchy or anything because literally, they
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are inundated with more data from the time, they were tiny.
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And looking at fairy tales that says some man is going to pursue
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you and want you. And then they do not think, huh?
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I guess the odds are with me, I guess I should.
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Get rid of this guy that doesn't want sex and go on to another
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one instead they think. Yeah.
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Maybe for those other women. Not for me though.
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Things don't work like that. For me.
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I'm not very pretty. I'm not very appealing so I
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guess I'll be with this guy. That only does it in the dark
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when he's drunk after he's watched porn.
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And after I've gone down on him for a little bit first, you
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know, so so women with higher libido partners are the norm and
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the women who Are the higher-level, partner
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themselves, are not, and of course, this can happen.
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Later on. I'm not saying that you're like
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freaks or something. I'm saying, like this happens in
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a fair amount of cases. But since you've been told for
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your entire life, that a man, that men in general, tend to
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pursue women in general, the fact that you would go against
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this indicates a low self-esteem, issue is just
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fairly obvious and also some women will say but this but He
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was really, really intersect and then he stopped being intersex.
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I mean, he was pursuing me all over the place and it's just in
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recent years. Yeah, sure, man, get depressed.
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They're People Too. Many experience low
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testosterone, men, go through shit.
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They lose their job. They feel emasculated in other
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regards and they have tremendous marital dysfunction.
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That makes them not want to have sex.
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So, yes, there are some men who transformed from a very high
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libido, open-minded sexual entity into something that just
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curls up on the couch and doesn't want sex.
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That's True. But it's very rare for their not
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to have been red flags about this early on that, you ignored
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because of the low self-esteem issues and or lack of
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understanding or knowledge about sex.
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And also in this situation it is it doesn't happen all of a
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sudden, you know, it's it's gradual.
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So many people, their self-esteem, prevents them from
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kind of acknowledging. What a problem.
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This isn't the very first time the guy rejects them from
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Saying, what's the matter what's wrong?
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That makes me feel terrible, they just kind of like roll with
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it, and roll with it, and roll with it until it's like 10 years
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later and they're a totally sexless marriage.
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So, there's different ways that these things happen and I'll
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tell you having high self esteem does not usually Concord with a
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woman remaining in a relationship with a man who is
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the lower libido partner and I tell any woman that is dating do
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not marry a man who wants less sex than you do.
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This is not a good sign. This is not going to go.
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Well is your desire as a woman going to remain spontaneous with
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in. No, it is going to just switch
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over to responsive and 90 plus percent of cases and then it's
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even more important that you have a man who is open-minded
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and sexual to pursue you a bit when your natural levels of
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spontaneous desire / arousal as we're now going to frame it.
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Decrease because then you are going to need more of a push of
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the man, to pursue you, even if you still are somebody who
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intellectually can be, like, I'm gonna like sex later.
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I should have said, Slater because I end up liking it.
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You are still because of the absence of arousal / spontaneous
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desire, going to appreciate it. If a man shares the task of
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being the initiator, because if you're just not super aroused
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and it is hard to be the initiator, even if
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intellectually, you know, that you're going to end up liking
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it. So for the high libido Partners,
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the high libido women that that men are fantasizing.
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Perhaps have these Baseline high levels of constant arousal,
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similar, Things that they've seen in pornography, that is
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inaccurate. What it usually means is a high
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libido woman with in. Monogamy is usually your
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honestly, what the trait usually is.
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I'll describe who those people are.
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They're usually open minded women in relationships with
17:53
extremely loving and supportive spouse has why?
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Because a they're people who could think openly about sex and
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their own libido waxing and waning, and What they would
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like, etcetera, Etc. And they so they're open-minded
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and direct really should go along with that.
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People women that could say I would like to do this in bed, or
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that in bed, such that they're advocating for their own
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desires, which can then again, get them over the hump.
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I always say, no pun intended of getting to the more overt desire
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from the more theoretical desire that you have at the beginning
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of the encounter and they have really loving it.
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Port of husbands who are patient and do a lot of foreplay and
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understand them. They're supposed to be providing
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a pretty good experience you know which then of course isn't
18:44
just that that's their role but women are more into providing
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that back when they feel that the man is really into providing
18:51
it for them. So yes as you could have guessed
18:55
people that are in more loving supportive, open directly
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communicative, relationships are going to whether the
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vicissitudes of sponge, Taneous versus responsive desire and the
19:07
general progression of libido with in a long-term relationship
19:11
better, then people who have a lot of problems, receiving
19:16
feedback and closed-minded about sex and like all of these other
19:20
things that would hurt rather than help the cause of remaining
19:24
connected and closed over the years of a long-term
19:29
relationship, right? So hopefully this cleared some
19:32
issues up for people that were struggling philosophically with
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spontaneous desire vs. Responsive desire, versus high
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and low libido and women and I will talk to you all soon.
19:43
Have a great day.