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EP 53: 7 Warning Signs You Need Boundaries · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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Resentment is information, but so is dread,
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and so is exhaustion for that matter.
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And so is a little bit of irritation you feel
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every time you say yes to something that you really wanted
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to say no to. So those feelings don't automatically mean
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you need a boundary, but what they might be trying to tell you
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is that something isn't working.
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If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much,
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and wondering why peace still feels so hard to hold on
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to, you're in the right place. Hi, I'm Lori,
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mom, former people pleaser, and your boundaries coach.
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Here we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries,
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and get clear on what actually matters so that you can build
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a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying.
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So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath,
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and get into this next episode.
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Welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms. I am your host,
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Lori Grimes. We are going to get into warning signs
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that can help you recognize when an area of your life
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might need a boundary before you end up completely
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overwhelmed and resentful and ready to just lose
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it. So what are we actually looking
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for? Because I think sometimes it's really obvious that we
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need a boundary, like when someone's treating us badly,
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for instance, or maybe someone's continually crossing a line
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that we've clearly communicated to them, or something is obviously
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just unhealthy. But I think a lot of
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the boundaries are much harder to recognize, right?
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Nobody's necessarily did anything horrible to each
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other. Maybe nobody did anything wrong at all. You just
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know something isn't working. And a lot of times our
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emotions will start kind of giving us some information
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before we've actually stopped long enough to figure out
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What's going on here? So that's what I want to talk about today.
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Not someone annoyed me, therefore let me just put this
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boundary right here. That's not what we're doing today, guys.
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What we're looking for right now to set these boundaries
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is patterns. We need to see the things that keep
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happening, the feelings that keep showing
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up, the situations where we keep thinking, I don't
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want to keep doing this right here?
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Those are the things I want us to start paying attention to.
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So the first sign I want you to take note of is resentment.
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This is a big one, okay? Resentment. Maybe you're thinking,
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why am I always the one doing this? Or why does she
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always call me when she needs something? Why am
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I the only one that takes care of everything? That's— that one was
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big for me. And I still work on. And sometimes those are just
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completely legitimate frustrations.
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But here's the part I don't always like.
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Sometimes I'm resentful about something I agreed
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to. Like, they asked and I said yes, and they asked
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again, and guess what? I said yes again. Then they asked again, and lo
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and behold, I said yes again. And now I'm mad that
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they just keep asking me, but I kind of taught them that
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I'll say yes, right? And that's where the resentment can actually
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be helpful information. Instead of immediately deciding that
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this person is taking advantage of us or me,
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I can stop and say or ask, is there something I'm agreeing
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to here that I don't actually want to keep agreeing to?
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And this doesn't have to turn into some big boundary
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conversation. Maybe it's just the next time you simply
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say, I can't do that this week, or I can
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help for 1 hour, but then I need to leave. That's a good
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one. Like, give a time frame on that.
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Or I'm not able to volunteer right now. Sometimes the
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boundary is just an honest answer. And research on burnout constantly
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points to the things like workload and lack of control and
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imbalance between demands and resources as
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these contributors to burnout. So that
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doesn't mean every time we're tired we need to quit something, but continually
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overriding our own limits, it does have a
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cost, guys. So please pay attention to
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resentment. It is information. Okay, moving on
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to sign 2, repeated dread.
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So this is our second sign. And I've talked about
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dread before because I think this one can be tricky because dread doesn't automatically
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mean don't do it. Dread can just be
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a difficult conversation that I just absolutely
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have to have. Or dread could be going to the dentist.
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Like, who doesn't dread going to the dentist? I can dread doing
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something uncomfortable that actually is really good for me,
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like maybe going for a walk or, you know, maybe going
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to the gym. So we're not letting discomfort make our
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decisions, but if you repeatedly dread the same person
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or the same commitment, event, or situation, I think
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it's worth getting curious about. Maybe every
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time someone's name pops up on your phone, you immediately think,
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oh, I don't want to answer that. Maybe every
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week you have something on your calendar and every week
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you think, uh, why did I agree to this? So instead
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of immediately quitting, ask, what exactly am I dreading?
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You're gonna need to look at, like, ask questions like, is it
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the person? Is it the amount of time it's taking
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in my life and my schedule? Is it that I don't know
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how to leave once I'm there? Or is it that
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I expect to do more than I originally agreed to? Or am
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I afraid of disappointing someone? Because that's
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that people-pleasing piece. Like, we just don't want to upset somebody.
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So sometimes the answer isn't, I can't do this anymore, like a very
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black and white answer. Sometimes it's,
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I can do this, but I need to do it a little differently.
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Or maybe you don't need to stop visiting someone, maybe you just need
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to stop staying for 4 hours. And maybe you don't need to quit
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volunteering, but maybe you just need to stop, you know, volunteering for every single
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thing that pops up. That's where boundaries can give us
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options besides just do everything or do nothing,
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because we have more options than that. Okay, let's look
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at sign number 3. You're making decisions based
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on someone else's reaction. So guys,
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this one's a big one to look out for if you are a people pleaser.
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You know what you want to say, but immediately your brain
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goes, uh, she's going to be upset, or he's
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going to think I'm selfish, or they're going to wonder why I'm not
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coming, or what if they get mad? And suddenly
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we're not deciding based on whether something is wise or
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healthy or even realistic. We're just deciding based on,
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how do I keep this person from having a negative
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feeling about me? Guys, this is exhausting.
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And if you've been doing it, you know it's exhausting.
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Because now we're not only trying to manage our emotions— because
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now instead of just trying to manage my emotions,
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I'm now actually trying to manage yours and my emotions.
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And some days I can barely manage my own. I don't
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need yours too, right? So here in Galatians 1:10,
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it says, am I now trying to win the
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approval of human beings or of God? Or am
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I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people,
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I would not be a servant of Christ. So people pleasing can
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look really loving and serving
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from the outside, but sometimes it's not actually
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about loving the other person.
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Sometimes it's about avoiding our own discomfort.
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And the thoughts behind that might look like, I don't want you disappointed
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in me, or I don't want you mad at me, or I don't want you
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to misunderstand me. So I'll say yes even though I
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want to say no. Because I can't take your disappointment.
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It makes me uncomfortable. But here's something I've
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had to learn over the years. Someone being disappointed
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with my decision does not automatically mean that I made the wrong
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decision. They're allowed to be disappointed and they're
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allowed to wish that I had said yes.
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They're also allowed to have a feeling about my decision
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and I don't have to fix all those feelings. That's not our
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responsibility. So here's sign 4: you keep complaining
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about the same thing. Okay,
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this one might sting a little bit. If you have told
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your husband, uh, your best friend, your sister,
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and maybe like 3 other people the exact same
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story about the exact same person multiple
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times, maybe it's time to stop asking,
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why do they keep doing this? And start asking, why do
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I keep participating in the same way? Am I including myself
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in this? Because venting can just feel like we're
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doing something productive, right? We tell the story, we might get some
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validation, we might even feel better for the moment, and then
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nothing changes. 2 weeks later, we're telling the same story
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again. And at some point we have to ask,
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guys, what part of this is actually within
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my control? So Romans 12:18 says, if it is possible,
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as far as it depends on you, live at peace
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with everyone. So let's underline that as far as it
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depends on you, because there are things that depend
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on me, right? And there are things that are completely out of my control.
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So what's in my control? I can communicate clearly. I could say
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no. I could walk away and leave. I could stop giving
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somebody money, or I could stop getting into that same argument I
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jump into. I could decide not to answer the phone every time
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they call. I could stop volunteering to fix a problem that isn't
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mine to fix. So what I cannot control is
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how the other person responds. That one is out of our control.
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So, moving on to sign number 5, you're taking responsibility
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for things that don't belong to you. This is especially easy
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to do as moms, right? Because we're told that we need
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to remind, we've got to fix the problem, we gotta rescue,
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we should actually just anticipate the problem before it ever even occurs.
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And we don't want our kids to ever struggle, and we
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don't want people we love to struggle. So, what do we do? We get our
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little mom capes on and we jump in and we save the day. And obviously
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there are times when people genuinely need
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our help because that's part of loving each other.
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But there sure is a difference between helping someone
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carry a burden and continually carrying
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something that they are capable of carrying themselves. This is their daily,
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you know, load. I love that Galatians 6 actually gives us both
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sides of the equation. So Galatians 6:2 says,
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carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law
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of Christ. But a few verses later in Galatians 6:5,
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it says, for each one should carry their own load.
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So it's a both/and. They're both true. We help each other and
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we carry our responsibilities. That's such a good picture
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of healthy boundaries. That's why I brought it up so many times on this podcast.
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There are times when somebody has a burden that's too heavy,
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and as Christians, we are supposed to come alongside them and help them and help
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carry it for them. But healthy relationships also allow both
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people to participate. And sometimes
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loving someone means allowing them to do the thing that belongs to them
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because they have agency. If they don't do
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it exactly the way we would, that's okay.
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If they struggle, also okay. And it's
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also okay if there are consequences. That is just
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fine. So here's sign number 6: your own
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priorities disappear.
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Sometimes we think boundaries are always about someone else.
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I need a boundary with my mother-in-law. I need a boundary here with my friend.
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I need a boundary with my kids. But sometimes That
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person we need a boundary with is us. So maybe
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you just keep giving away the time you said you were going to use
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to exercise. Maybe you're staying up scrolling
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even though you know you need sleep.
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That's me. I have to do a hard boundary
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on that one. Maybe you decide how much you were going to spend this
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month and you keep making exceptions for going over that budget.
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Maybe you filled your calendar so completely that you're constantly
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exhausted. There's no room for margin because
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maybe everybody's getting your time, and whatever is left goes
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to the things that you say matter to you. And that's when I think
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we need to ask the question, what have I said matters
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to me? And if I were to look at my life,
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my time, my money, Does it reflect that? Because that's
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where the true evidence is. In Ephesians 5:15-16,
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it says, be careful then how you live, not as unwise
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but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because
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the days are evil. So the Bible is pointing
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out that our time matters, our energy matters,
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our health matters. And more importantly, our relationships
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matter. And having boundaries around those things are not
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selfish. They are stewardship. So sign number
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7, you have— or sorry, you keep saying, I have
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to. This one is probably one of my favorite warning
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signs because it's something you can start listening for
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immediately. Like, do you say, I have to go?
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I have to answer. I have to explain myself.
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I have to help, and I have to keep doing this.
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Okay, but do you? Sometimes the answer is yes.
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Okay, there are going to be things in life that we legitimately have
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to do that are— they are our responsibilities.
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I can't say, you know what, paying my mortgage really
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isn't serving me in this season. No, we can't do that.
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I wish I could, but no. There are responsibilities,
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but sometimes when we say, I have to, what we're really
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saying is, I don't want to deal with what might happen if I don't.
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Those are 2 different things. So, here's a question you can start
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asking yourself. Do I actually have to do this, or am
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I uncomfortable with what might happen if I don't?
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Because sometimes we technically have
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a choice. I mean, we may not like the other option. If we—
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if I say yes, I might resent it. If I say no,
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somebody might get disappointed. And if I keep
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rescuing my child, maybe I'm going to get exhausted. Or if I stop rescuing
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them, they might actually experience a consequence.
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Sometimes boundaries, they don't remove the discomfort.
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They just simply help us choose which discomfort,
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like which hard, we're willing to
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accept or to enter into. So not every
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negative feeling means that you need a boundary. Now, I really
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want to put this in here because I don't want us
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leaving this episode thinking, I'm irritated. Let's get
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that boundary going. You know, no. Sometimes I'm irritated because I'm tired.
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Maybe it's my period. Sometimes I need some patience,
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or sometimes somebody is challenging me and I don't like
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it. Sometimes I need to forgive somebody, or I
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need to have a hard conversation, or just it's hard to accept something
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I can't change. And sometimes I'm the problem.
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Yes, I know. Sometimes it's just us.
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So don't make one uncomfortable feeling the
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deciding factor Instead, I want you to look for
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patterns. Repeated resentment. So not just one
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time, but multiple times. Repeated dread
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and repeatedly saying yes when you meant to say no
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or you wanted to say no. Repeatedly abandoning your priorities
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or repeatedly trying to manage someone else's emotions.
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And you're constantly complaining about something you're
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unwilling to address. Those patterns are giving you the
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information that you need. So here's your boundary check.
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So let's get real practical here. If there's an area of your life
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that's been bothering you, grab a notebook or just
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go ahead and get on the Notes app on your phone, whatever works for you.
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Ask yourself these 5 questions. Okay? Number 1, what keeps
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happening? Not what happened one time,
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but what keeps happening? Number 2, how is this
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How is this impacting or affecting me? Is it making me resentful?
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Am I exhausted afterward? Am I anxious? Do I dread
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it? Am I overspending? Am I losing time?
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Number 3, what part of this
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is actually mine to manage? So what belongs to me and
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what belongs to them? And here's 4,
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what would need to change for this to become healthy
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or sustainable? And finally, 5, do I need
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to say something, stop something,
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start something, or limit something?
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I love the last question because sometimes we think setting a
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boundary means we need to sit someone down and we gotta make a big
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announcement like, I've decided to establish a boundary with you.
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Please don't do that, friend. Sometimes you do need a conversation, but sometimes
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Sometimes you just need to change what you're doing, like leave earlier,
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spend less, stop volunteering, don't answer that
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phone right now, go to bed, let your teenager deal with
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a consequence, and say, no, I can't do
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that this week. Thank you, but no. Not every boundary
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needs a big old speech. Sometimes it's just simply a small
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change in what you're going to do. Do. So I
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think sometimes we wait way too long to set boundaries.
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We wait until we are depleted. We wait till we're
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fuming and angry and at our wit's end. We wait till we've complained to
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everyone about something for 6 months, and then by the time we finally
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set a boundary, we're doing it from a place of resentment instead of
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a place of clarity and peace. So what if
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we learn to notice those warning lights, you know, like on our
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dashboard earlier, the resentment popped up,
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the dread popped up, the constant yes when we really
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mean no, the managing of everyone's reactions
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and the same complaint we keep repeating, the feeling
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that everything is our responsibility. Those things
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don't automatically mean you need a boundary again, but they
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do mean that you got to pay attention.
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Something might need to change. And remember, the goal of boundaries
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isn't to control everybody around you. It's to take responsibility
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for the part that belongs to you. And sometimes
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the healthiest boundary starts long before you ever
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say anything to another person. It starts when you're
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willing to get honest with yourself.
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So friends, if this has helped you in any kind of way,
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share this with someone that could use it. Use this episode.
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And don't forget to hit follow so that you guys
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are getting every episode as they pop up.
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And I will meet you back here, guys, in the next episode.
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If today's episode helped you, friend, make sure
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you are following Healthy Boundaries for Moms and share
21:20
it with a friend or a family member who might need it too.
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And I want to hear from you. Have a question or a situation you'd
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like me to talk about on the podcast? Leave me a voice message
21:32
using the link in the show notes or send your question to me by
21:36
email. You may just hear your question answered on an upcoming episode.
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So until next week, friend, keep choosing the boundaries that protect
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what matters most.