Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What To Say To Your Husband When You Don't Want Sex... Instead Of Mean Stuff

Transcript

What To Say To Your Husband When You Don't Want Sex... Instead Of Mean Stuff · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today we're going to be taking a question that I received.
• 0:14
  I certainly do not answer all questions, so this is not some
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  sort of large scale permission to e-mail me questions.
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  I used to do that. I used to answer all the
• 0:23
  questions on my blog, but I don't do that anymore.
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  But if there is a question, I mean you could shoot your shot,
• 0:29
  you know, but it's very, you know, it's it's not usual that I
• 0:33
  will just directly answer them. Unless of course it's asked in
• 0:36
  my Facebook group in which case I chime in and answer in the
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  group and sometimes do a little video.
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  But any who, The e-mail that I got was about a fairly common
• 0:48
  mail question which I thought I had addressed, but when I looked
• 0:51
  back it seemed like I only said what not to say, not what to
• 0:54
  say, at least in the titles of the podcast.
• 0:59
  So what the what we're going to be discussing is what to say
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  when you don't want to have sex with your husband.
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  And before we get to that, we I must tell you to subscribe.
• 1:10
  My most recent subscriber episode was what your husband
• 1:13
  should say when you say you don't even kiss me anymore, You
• 1:17
  don't even text me anymore. You don't even whatever anymore.
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  And whether, of course, you should say stuff like that and
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  150 other excellent episodes. So.
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  Right, All right. Anyway, so I have a lot of
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  podcasts addressing things like You only want me for sex is an
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  inane remark in marriage, and how Like I actually do have a
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  podcast on what do you do when you don't want to do a special
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  thing that your husband wants to do in bed?
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  You suggest literally any other thing.
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  Because if your friend asked to go for sushi and you don't like
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  sushi, you wouldn't just not be their friend anymore or not meet
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  them for dinner. You would suggest many other
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  options so that you could be still a friend, right?
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  The point of the relationship is not to enjoy sushi together,
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  it's to be friends. And friends are flexible and
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  open minded and engage in activities that each of them
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  like, even if it isn't the preferred activity for one of
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  them. Now I myself, you know, as a
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  psychologist and somebody who has literally written about
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  picky eating and considers it to be like a fairly large
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  representative trait of people who are both anxious and close
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  minded. Of course, there's also sensory
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  issues, but I discussed that a lot too.
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  I would just go always to something that you don't want to
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  eat, 'cause you can always get something really.
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  Like at sushi you could get, you know, something teriyaki or, you
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  know, you could always get a salad.
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  I mean, I am vegan. I talked about that in one of my
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  podcasts. I'm an ethical vegan and I I can
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  eat anywhere, you know, like, so it's you can always get a salad,
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  of course, Like if somebody asks you to pick the place that you
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  like, then you pick the place that you like.
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  But if somebody says, I really want to go do X, you can go do
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  it, you know, and be a friend because the world doesn't end if
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  you don't have, like the best food that you want every second.
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  So how does this relate? So a lot of I've talked
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  repeatedly about how you just shouldn't say no, you know, you
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  should come up with something else.
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  I've said that in context of specific activities.
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  But what about sex in general? I would have thought that that
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  was, you know, obvious, but that's stupid on my part because
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  constantly I tell people don't make assumptions about with the
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  other gender things or whatever because you know, people don't
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  really understand anything about sex.
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  It's never taught, it's not discussed at home for many
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  people so they have no idea. So consider this your real CHEAT
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  SHEET on what to do so that you don't reject your husband in a
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  way that hurts his feelings. So what would be a way that
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  hurts his feelings? Saying you only want sex.
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  You are a sex addict. Something I've addressed in
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  another podcast, like in the coercion one, What is and what
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  isn't Marital coercion. Expressing sadness about not
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  having sex is not marital coercion.
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  Having a guilt trip laid on, and I do an example of that in the
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  podcast, is marital coercion. But anyway, you can't just say
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  like something that is a character assassination.
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  Like you're a horn dog, you're a sex addict, you're a pervert.
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  People actually do say these things.
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  All you want is sex. That's all you think about.
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  There's usually a guy that has sex like 4 * a month on a good
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  month, all you want is sex, right?
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  It's funny. It's like, actually funny, but
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  it's not. You know, it's not funny if
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  you're living yet, but I'm just saying it's ludicrous.
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  Like it's like crazy. It's like, if you think about it
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  for a second, like if you tell your husband all he wants is sex
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  and he's not having sex with you every day, then what the fuck?
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  Like what? What goes on in your head?
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  Because everything else he's doing is not sex, right?
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  And he's still with you. So what are we talking about?
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  And that was the whole podcast. You only want sex as an inane
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  remark within marriage. And if you have Spotify search
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  bars inane and you'll get to that one.
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  Some people have told me they really thought that one was
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  good. So the point is, what can you
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  say? You could say, oh, I don't feel
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  well tonight, let's do it tomorrow.
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  You could say I love you, but I'm not in the mood right now.
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  Let's do it in the morning. You could say, sorry, I have my
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  period. It's probably going to end
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  Monday. Let's do it Monday.
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  You could say I I'm really exhausted and I want to wait for
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  the weekend. Let's do it on the weekend.
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  And then you give a hug and a kiss and you stay close and you
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  engage in physical touch anyway. Now if he is one of the rare
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  guys that listens to this, that, I mean this isn't rare, possibly
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  for 20 year olds raised in purity culture, I don't know.
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  But like apparently there's these guys and I had a whole
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  post about this that think that kissing is a contract to have
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  sex. So that's a him problem.
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  So you all have to go into marital counselling.
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  But for the 90% of guys who will not think that that you hug them
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  and kiss them and engage in other physical touch.
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  If you are too sick to engage in any physical touch with any
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  human, then you should be laying down in your bed with
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  medication. You know, I mean, that's what
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  you should be doing, right? But if you are able to go to
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  work or able to hug and kiss your kids or able to pet the
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  dog, then you're also able to hug your husband and kiss him
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  after you say that I can't have sex right now.
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  Sorry. And of course, yes, some, some
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  women would be like, well, I should say sorry for not doing
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  something with my body. Yeah.
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  I mean, obviously you're in a relationship.
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  If he didn't want to go to date night, picture it the other way,
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  'cause I always do these, I switch the gender, right?
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  So let's say you said, oh, wouldn't it be fun to go out to
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  dinner tonight and he'd be like, all you think about is food.
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  You're a food addict. All you think about is food
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  that's gross. That's gross food pervert.
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  And you would like, leave, literally leave the marriage,
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  right? I mean, you would burst into
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  tears and leave the marriage, but yet women say stuff like
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  that, Not healthy, securely attached women, but women who
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  were raised very sex negative and have a lot of issues around
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  sex and have a lot of resentment in their marriage.
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  They do not. Women in healthy relationships,
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  they they know already this thing that I'm saying, which is
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  that you don't just say no, you say no and I love you and let's
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  do it a different time in like all aspects for everything.
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  And that's what a healthy, happily married man would say
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  about date night, too. Oh, no, sweetheart.
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  I'm sorry. I don't feel like going to
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  dinner tonight. It was a really rough day at
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  work. Could we rain check it for
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  Friday? I really like to go to dinner
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  with you Friday. That's very nice, right?
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  We like that guy. That's a nice hypothetical man I
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  just invented. And the same thing would be for
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  the woman. Oh, sorry, honey.
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  I don't want to do it tonight. Not tonight.
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  I I don't feel well, or I am tired or I'm just not in the
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  mood. Or this is.
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  I'm about to get my period or whatever, you know, But we're
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  going to do it this other time, you know?
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  And if this other time, if you're like, you know, if it so,
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  then other women who have again, issues around sex, etcetera
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  would say, well, but I don't want to tell him I'm going to do
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  it tomorrow, because what if I don't want to do it tomorrow?
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  Well, shit, man. What if he never wants to go to
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  dinner with you? So that's just kind of not an
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  option, right? Like to remain married.
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  And I've been saying this over and over and in a million
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  different ways, but every time I say it, it seems to hit at least
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  a few people like an epiphany. So I'll say it again.
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  It's the same exact thing. If you say to him I want
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  something I want to do is I want to bake together.
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  I always thought that would be cute.
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  I saw it on Instagram. I see these couples, They're
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  baking together. So cute.
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  It's so cute to bake together. Can we bake together tonight If
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  you want them to be like, no, you baking addict, you're
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  addicted to Instagram. All you want is these stupid ass
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  happy couples and they're not real dummy.
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  I mean like what? Like that is kind of them are
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  fighting words, right? And that would be very a very
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  dysfunctional response. Whereas another response
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  Remember too you know what the most functional response is
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  Sure. Like to literally everything
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  that your partner wants to do. Sure.
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  Cool. Let's try right to come at it
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  from a place of yes. So generally speaking, an
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  average guy does not initiate sex every day, and an average
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  woman does not ask to go to dinner every day, and she
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  doesn't ask to do some special romantic activity every day.
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  And many guys don't even initiate sex barely at all,
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  'cause they hate the rejection so much.
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  So if he does ask, you should actually scan.
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  There's a lot of women that don't even scan their body and
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  ask themselves if they could get in the mood.
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  As I've discussed repeatedly for responsive desire to kick in,
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  'cause it's never going to be spontaneous arousal.
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  There's a lot of women out in the world, hopefully none of
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  you, that have been listening to my podcast, but that think that
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  basically if he says, do you want to have sex, you should
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  think you should like, scan your body and be like, am I horny?
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  Oh, I'm not. Oh, OK, so we can't.
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  Well girl, you're going to be waiting all long time.
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  You can be waiting till your next honeymoon stage in your
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  next marriage. And then after the first few
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  years of that, you'll be back in the same problem.
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  Because as I've said over and over, spontaneous arousal goes
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  away within monogamy, with age, with kids, with hormonal change,
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  etc. But definitely within monogamy
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  after the honeymoon stage. So I have a podcast.
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  Do high libido women experience spontaneous desire within
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  monogamy? And the answer is not.
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  Usually, Not unless they're ovulating or they just saw some
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  super hot guy at the gym. Which there was an interesting
• 10:29
  Facebook secret group discussion about that and how often that
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  happens. Spoiler.
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  Not very, but definitely it does for men.
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  So you should join Always join our Facebook secret group, Blue
• 10:41
  Subscribe Button 499. But anyway, that's on my
• 10:45
  Facebook page. Point being here that if you're
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  waiting for him to ask you if you want to have sex at the
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  exact time that you actually want to have sex, the hell like
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  that's you're going to be having sex once a month Max.
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  So what high libido women do, or sex positive women do is they
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  say, hmm, could I, could I get in the mood with foreplay, with
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  kissing, with maybe a back rub? If we hang out a little longer
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  and talk, could I get in the mood?
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  Could I? I think I could.
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  I probably could. Of course.
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  Not always, right? I mean there's this shit
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  happens. You got kids.
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  You got, you know, everything. Like, I mean, I can't go through
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  the entire laundry list of reasons you might not want to
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  have sex. But as any man listening knows,
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  they are. It is a vast list.
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  But. So you don't always have to want
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  to, but you oh, you can't. Never want to, right.
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  So generally, unless you are somebody with, I don't know
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  what, like real, real bad sex issues that you should be going
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  into a sex therapist or you're like, in after menopause, then
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  it hurts. Certainly sex hurts.
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  And then you should be doing other things though so they
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  like, I can't even get my head around how it could always be no
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  right in a marriage you want to stay in.
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  And that's what I talk about. What kind of interactions
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  outside the bedroom, like, lead to a sexless marriage, Sexless
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  marriage. It's never like, oh,
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  everything's great except we just like literally never have
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  sex. Ever.
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  Because one person won't. But everything else is great.
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  Everything else is not great, right?
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  But anyway, and I have a podcast.
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  Everything is everything is fine in our marriage except sex in
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  quotes. And I dispel that myth.
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  So the point is, again, for the TLDR, you do what you would do
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  with a friend. You do what you would want him
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  to do for you. If you suggest something that he
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  doesn't like, you basically say no, not right now.
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  You give an excuse that's real, and then you make a different
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  time to do it or to do something like it in the case where you
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  can't have intercourse because it hurts or what have you.
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  And then if it's a specific ask that he has, you can refer to my
• 12:46
  podcast on what do you do if your husband wants to do
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  something in bed that you don't want to do, You, like, suggest
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  literally any other thing, and I think that's something like the
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  title. But so for example, your husband
• 12:57
  likes blowjobs. You don't want to give a
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  blowjob, You never like to give blowjobs, and he knew that.
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  So kind of you're annoyed that he even asks, But what should
• 13:04
  you do instead? Maybe you could wear lingerie.
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  Maybe you could give a hand job. Maybe you could do a different
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  position. Maybe you could act like you're
• 13:13
  alive instead of dead. Either Anything that applies,
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  right? So the point being, you would do
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  what you would do with a friend, you or your kid.
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  If your kid says you want to play Minecraft, you're like, no
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  fucking way. But you don't say that.
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  You say not right now, honey. But you know what?
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  I'll play another board game. I'll do a board game.
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  I'm a board game person. Why don't you pick a board game?
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  You know what? They'll pick a board game, you
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  know. Do should you ever play
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  Minecraft? Yeah, probably.
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  You should have the experience of playing Minecraft, if that's
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  something that they like, you know?
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  But do you always have to play Minecraft?
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  You certainly do not. But here's the thing.
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  Should you then forbid them from playing Minecraft with someone
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  else? Fuck no, right, 'cause that
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  would be crazy. So that's the thing with sex
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  that's different from Minecraft is that your kid can play
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  Minecraft with someone else and your husband can't have sex with
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  someone else. So you got to keep that in mind
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  in terms of when you reject, how often you reject and you know
• 14:10
  how you reject. And if you really can't bring
• 14:12
  yourself to have sex with him because you really can't stand
• 14:14
  them and you never want to have sex again, then you know, I have
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  lots of posts about that. You might want to reconsider
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  being married because he's always going to have this need
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  that you can't fulfill as though he had said to you.
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  You know what? I just don't want to make eye
• 14:27
  contact and smile anymore. That's like, not a thing I do.
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  So in the rest of this marriage, I'm not going to look at you in
• 14:32
  the face and you know, I'm not going to smile.
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  That's cool, right? I mean, shit, we have a family
• 14:37
  together. You wouldn't break up the
• 14:38
  marriage about something like that.
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  And you're like, that is literally like what it is for me
• 14:42
  to be married is that we engage with each other.
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  Like, that's literally, as I've said so many times, what it is
• 14:48
  for men slash the higher libido partner to be married, to be in
• 14:52
  a romantic relationship we touch.
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  It's honestly doesn't even have to be sex most of the time.
• 14:57
  That's what I'm saying is that if you don't want to have sex,
• 14:59
  then you could be like, let's cuddle.
• 15:01
  A lot of guys would be happy cuddling.
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  And you know what? You might want to have sex.
• 15:04
  Because as I just wrote a post about, foreplay and cuddling are
• 15:08
  on the same spectrum. They're linked for women with a
• 15:11
  sensual, erotic blueprint. I just did a post about that on
• 15:13
  Doctor Seikma. So anyway, I hope this was
• 15:16
  informative. I hope it answered this dude's
• 15:17
  question. I'm sure it did.
• 15:19
  Don't get your feelings hurt. If you e-mail me to ask me a
• 15:22
  question and I don't answer it, I don't answer most of them.
• 15:25
  If you do join the Facebook group, then I do certainly
• 15:27
  engage on all of those threads and I'll talk to everybody soon.
• 15:31
  Have a great day guys.