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Hidden Harm. The Overcompliant Child · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee from the Children's Consultancy.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is the next episode in the series that's concerned with hidden harm.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hidden harm as a concept is when harm is being experienced or there's a risk of harm, but it is not immediately identifiable through the child's behavior.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm looking at other ways in which we might at least ask the question, is there something going on here?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is about what I call the overcompliant child.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between cooperation and surrender.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we make the mistake of seeing one for, in fact, the other.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: There are children who do exactly what is asked, they don't argue, they don't resist, they don't push back, and they're described as well behaved, respectful, and a pleasure to have around.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: But psychologically, sometimes we need to ask a different question.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not what a good child, but what does this child believe would happen if they said no?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: All children learn to adapt to the relationships and the world around them.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: They learn what is welcomed, what is tolerated, and what's difficult.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And gradually they begin to organize themselves accordingly.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: So for some children, compliance becomes the safest object, not simply cooperation, but something more total than that.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: A relinquishing of resistance.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by this is the fact that there resistance starts to carry risk.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So to disagree may feel like disconnection, and to push back may feel like rejection, and to assert oneself may feel like losing something vital.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the other thing is any of these kinds of expressions for the child risk, disapproval, upsetting parents, and maybe that's just not the norm in the family.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't these sorts of situations aren't necessarily as a consequence of harsh parenting or overt control, it can emerge in more subtle ways.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So a parent who becomes uncomfortable when challenged, or a relational atmosphere where disagreement feels tense or emotionally costly, a child who is particularly sensitive to shifts in connection.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So the child begins to register when I comply, things feel stable.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: When I resist, something changes.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: It could be a look, a withdrawal, a shift in tone, nothing dramatic, nothing easily named, but enough for the child to begin to organize themselves around maintaining relational safety.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Some families don't do ruptures.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: They don't they don't they don't have disagreements, they don't have problems to solve, just challenges to overcome.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a kind of, you know, beneath the surface, whatever's going on is never actually faced.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps because the notion that if we did face the difficult things, then something bad would happen.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: When in fact, avoiding the difficult things means there's no chance for repair.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is not good for children.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Children need to be exposed to disagreement so that they are then equipped to learn that disagreement and difficulty is not something that one has to avoid.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So quite often, such children will rarely question authority, and you'll see this outside of the home as well, because they anticipate what's needed before it's asked.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: They will avoid expressing preferences, they may defer quickly to others, or seek reassurance before acting.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I've had children who, when perhaps in a therapy session, we're doing something creative, I might ask the child, What do you think you'd like to do today?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: What would be what's on your mind?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Some children want to pick up from where they left off in the previous week.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Some children will just start where they start and it develops from there.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then there are some children who say, What do you think I should do?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or what would you like me to do?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that compliance signals a very great deal.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I should say that I have to see that behaviour in a wider a wider context.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But what it leaves me feeling is, where's this child's sense of self?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, this kind of behaviour causes children to avoid becoming distressed at the possibility of something getting something wrong and causing problems as as a consequence.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And again, quite often the child is often praised.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, they're so polite, cooperative, so easy to manage.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, this is whilst that may appear to be the case, it's also a trap because it's essentially saying, you know, don't cause problems.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, the reality is children have to be problematic.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, internally, the overcompliant child isn't at ease.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're scanning, monitoring, and adjusting.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And they're trying to ensure that nothing they do disrupts the connection that they depend upon.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this creates a particular kind of anxiety which isn't always visible and not always expressed, but it's always there.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because the child isn't only asking what is expected of me through their behaviour.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: They're also saying, what must I do to remain acceptable?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, this has consequences, because the child may struggle to identify their own preferences, tolerate disagreement, or assert boundaries, and recognize when something doesn't feel right.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where vulnerability begins to emerge.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because a child who can't easily say no is a child who may struggle to protect themselves.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because saying no is not simply a behavioral act, it's a psychological capacity.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: If a child has learned that disagreement threatens connection, then they may comply when they feel uncomfortable, struggle to resist peer pressure, become vulnerable to coercion, and remain in situations that just don't feel safe.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they don't sense that something is wrong, but because they just don't feel able to act on that sense.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And in some instances, they can't even voice it.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: They can't tell someone else.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Which again is this trapping of the child.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, this isn't about blame.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents value cooperation and rightly so.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And children need structure, guidance, and they need boundaries.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: But within that, there must also be space for the child to exist as a separate mind, to disagree, to hesitate, to feel differently.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not suggesting that it's helpful to encourage defiance.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's about making space for difference, allowing moments and encouraging moments when the child can say, I don't want to, or I'm not sure, or I don't like.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: The most important word in that is I.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: The child has a sense of themselves.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, for it not to disrupt connection, because the goal isn't about compliance, it's something far more important.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's the capacity to remain connected while also remaining oneself.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: The overcompliant child isn't simply well behaved.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: They are organized around keeping something safe.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when we begin to recognize this, we can offer something different, not just approval for doing what is expected, but space for becoming who they are.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I think one of the years and years ago, Donald Winnicott, who I've spoken about on many occasions, had a radio series.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: That was in the days when everything was black and white.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And please don't take that too literally, but he what he had this radio series where he talked to parents, and I I remember hearing uh an excerpt some while back where he said the parent's task is to accept the child no matter how horrid they are.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel uh, you know, the language of the time, but the sentiment is absolutely right.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: The sentiment of accepting children when when when they're behaving in a way that we prefer them not to is what's required.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean we don't respond to the behavior, but you know, let's get a sense of balance.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Tolerating doesn't mean not caring.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Tolerating means being able to withstand.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And again, withstanding and managing is something that children then internalize.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: So allowing that expression is really important.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think my concern is when I see children who are clearly overcompliant, I don't just think about how they got to that point and where they are now.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think about where it's going.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, seven-year-old girl who was compliant in a way which was so fragile came to me predominantly because of anxiety that was beginning to develop and some ritualized behaviors and also difficulties making and maintaining relationships.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I I assessed her, and I remember thinking you're you're you're seven, and you are going out of your way to please, to not disrupt, to be a self.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let's add ten years, and you're a seventeen-year-old girl, and you enter that phase of your your life without a strong enough sense of self, where does that go?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what I see is the potential for risk of harm.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Harm in a relational sense, possibly being a victim of coercion, who knows.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: But in a sense, whilst I can't forecast those things, although I've seen them often enough, I think what it says is where is something going?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know exactly, but what we do have to do is ask the questions because it is in a you're in a position to alter the trajectory.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Children who are compliant aren't just compliant in the home.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: They will be, I was thinking about overcompliant, but they'll be overcompliant everywhere.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think such a concern is something we have to consider intelligently.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: So in the next episode, I'm going to look at something which has to do with what we call situational presentation, and it's going to be entitled The Child.