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5-MINUTE FRIDAY: On Owning Your 'No' & Being (Not So) Selfish · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Hey, Hey, Emily. Here you are listening to five Minute
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Friday from Hurdle. I'm feeling really silly today.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: It's been I think I'm feeling silly because I haven't
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: had a ton of human interaction this week. I got
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: home on Monday night. I traveled for like literally twenty
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: four hours. It was the longest Monday I've ever had.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: I left my hotel at like almost nine am Japan time,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: and I got home just shy of nine pm Eastern
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: on the same day, which is just it's just wild.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: But I have been owning my no this week in
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: a way that I haven't done so in such a
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: long time, and I really have no hesitation. I'm not
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: apologizing for it. I'm just really dialing in on the
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: question that I've been working on asking myself for the
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: past gosh a few years now, which is what's best
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: for Emily. And I know that what's best for Emily
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: right now is getting to a place where I'm sleeping
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: normal hours, which is pretty successful so far. I've had
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: something like eight or nine hours the last three nights,
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: which feels very successful.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: And getting on East Coast.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Time, and just getting back into my routine, like getting
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: my feet back under me.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm running a marathon in.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Just over two weeks, which is really crazy to say
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: out loud, and that always brings about a fair amount
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: of anxiety and feelings. But it definitely brings about extra
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: anxiety and feelings when I haven't been in my normal
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: routine for the past two weeks. So I just feel
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: this pressure that I'm putting on myself to really get
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: back into the swing of things and feel good in
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: my body. And so I'm really owning my no. And
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: it's so interesting as a recovering people pleaser because for
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: so long, for so long, I always always always put
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: everybody else's feelings ahead of my own. I wanted to
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: make sure that everyone that I cared about was taken
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: care of, even if that meant putting things that were
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: important to me or my feelings on the back burner.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: And what I learned over time and as I've gotten older,
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: is that that is not how it works, and that
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: the people that care about you, they want you to
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: be happy. There I said it, the people that care
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: about you, they want you to be happy. And if
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: they knew that doing something that you thought would accommodate
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: them would actually put you at a disadvantage, then let
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: me be the one to break this news to you.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: Most of the time they probably wouldn't want you to
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: do it. But the way that we are, at least
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: the way that I am, or have been classically in
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: the past, is that I didn't want to put that
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: out there. I didn't want to let someone know that
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: maybe acting in a certain way in their best interest
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: was not in my best interest. And so now in
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: this era of asking myself what's best for Emily, I'm
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: getting better at being a bit more selfish, understanding that
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: it's not selfish with ill intent. And the people that
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: care about me understand that about me. They never assume
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: the bad in me. They know me and they know
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: my heart, and that is what's important. I'll never forget
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: I was. I was dealing with a really frustrating situation
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: with a friend at the time a few years ago,
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: and I was on my way to Washington, d C.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: To visit my college roommate, and I sat down with
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: her at dinner after having like a really uncomfortable textic
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: change with someone, and my roommate said, the difference between
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: this person and me is I know you and I
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: know your heart, and I know that you would never
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: ever do anything with a negative intent toward me, and
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: that always really resonated with me, this idea that you
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: are going to find people in your life that know
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: you and know your heart and know who it is
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: that you are at your core, and so those are
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: the people that you should really care about their feedback.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Those are the people that you want to make sure
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: that you communicate with to the best of your ability.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: And so this week, as I am being a little
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: bit selfish, you might say, and owning my know and
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: not going to random events or honestly, I've been random dinners,
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: I had a really exciting invite for tonight, if this
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: is you're listening to this. On Friday, had a really
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: exciting invite for tonight that would put me in a
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: room with some really great people, but it was later
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: then I wanted to be out, and so I said,
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: please count me in for next time. But this time
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  Speaker 2: it's just not going to work for me, and that's it,
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  Speaker 2: and it's okay.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I As I've.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: Gotten older, fomo is something that I experienced a little
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  Speaker 2: bit less as I understand where I'm at and I
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: do this honest inventory of what's important, and right now,
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  Speaker 2: I know that what's important is just resting and coming
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: back to myself and doing the best I can with
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  Speaker 2: what I have Here. I am rambling as usual on
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: five Minute Friday, but I hope that you take.
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  Speaker 1: Something from this.
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  Speaker 2: I genuinely know that for a better part of my twenties,
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: this was something that I really really struggled with. And
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I'm by no means in my early thirties anymore. But
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  Speaker 2: what I do know is that as I have gotten older,
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: and as I've gotten to this point, I understand that
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  Speaker 2: it's not so serious and so as earth shattering is
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: maybe saying no felt when I was younger, it doesn't
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: feel the same now. In fact, it feels so much better.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: So you just got to do the best you can
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: with what you have. My question for you this week,
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  Speaker 2: my thought prompt is how can you own your no?
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  Speaker 2: What are you doing right now that you don't actually
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  Speaker 2: want to do? Is there something that you can turn down,
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  Speaker 2: something that you can do to hold your space, to
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  Speaker 2: take care of you, to ask yourself what's best for.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Insert your name here? How can you own your know?
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  Speaker 1: This week?
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: And now a listener question, Hey, Emily, this is Brianna
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  Speaker 2: from Georgia. I've been listening since I think twenty eighteen.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: I want to thank you for all that you give
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: to the hurdle community. I see so much great on
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: morning routines and I feel like I finally have one
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: that works for me. On the flip side, however, I
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: find it so hard to be consistent with evening routines.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's so difficult to find the energy to move
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: through an evening routine after an extra long work day
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: while speaking, even though I know it will set me
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: up for success the next day. Specifically, how do you
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: stay consistent with an evening routine and what are some
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: things that you include in yours?
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Brianna.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Okay, this is a great question, and I feel like
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: I'm only really getting into my evening routine when I've
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: been really diligently owning my know. My evening routine right
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  Speaker 2: now is I'll turn the TV off maybe around nine
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: o'clock at night. I will wash my face and do
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: whatever skincare is on deck for the evening, brush my teeth,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: and then I will read in my bed, and candidly,
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: I might only read for like fifteen minutes max before
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: I'm just zonked. I don't have a TV in my room.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: I am pretty good at falling asleep quickly. I know
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: that I'm very lucky about that. So my evening routine
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: really is turn off the screens around nine, wash my face,
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: read for a bit, and fall asleep. It's very rare
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  Speaker 2: that I am not asleep by nine forty five unless
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I get sucked into a show and then that nine
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  Speaker 2: o'clock becomes nine.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Point thirty or later. But otherwise that's it for me. Now.
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  Speaker 2: I am not one to preach like diligence in an
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: evening routine. I have been very good at my morning routine,
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: but not so much in my evening routine. What I
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: will say is, when you're trying to establish any routine,
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  Speaker 2: there are two tips I can offer you. The first
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  Speaker 2: one is start small, so you don't want to choose
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  Speaker 2: four different habits and say, okay, I'm going to do
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  Speaker 2: these four things every night, and then start with all
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  Speaker 2: four things at once. You want to add little by little,
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: making it a little bit more attainable for you. And
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  Speaker 2: the second thing that I will recommend is habit stacked.
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  Speaker 2: So what that means is maybe right now you do
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  Speaker 2: have a routine of turning off screens at nine thirty
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  Speaker 2: at night. Okay, if you're going to turn off your
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: screen at nine thirty at night, then add one more
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  Speaker 2: habit so it's like, Okay, the second after I turn
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  Speaker 2: off my screen at nine thirty at night, I go
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  Speaker 2: into my bathroom and I brush my teeth.
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  Speaker 1: Or after I'm done brushing my teeth every night, I am.
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  Speaker 2: Going to walk into my bedroom and write one gratitude
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  Speaker 2: from the day. Whatever the habit is that you want
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  Speaker 2: to add into the mix, if you stack it on
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  Speaker 2: top of another existing habit, you're more likely to keep
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  Speaker 2: up with it. I hope that this helps make sure
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: you're following along with hurdle over on social It's at
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: Hurdle podcast, I'm over at Emily a Body another hurdle conquered.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Catch you guys, next time
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: You