Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "Why Can Hookers Do It Multiple Times A Day And Your Wife Can't?"

Transcript

"Why Can Hookers Do It Multiple Times A Day And Your Wife Can't?" · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today I'm going to be talking about a question that I got on
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  Facebook, and I didn't think it was serious, but from talking to
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  other people in the comments, it appears that it was serious.
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  And so I will answer it and it's Why can hookers do it multiple
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  times a day and your wife can't so much, so much in that.
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  But before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:32
  We have lots of subscriber episodes.
• 0:35
  Why do women dream about their exes and just a lot of other
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  ones close to 150 by now. All right, so let's just dive
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  in. So, OK, So firstly, being on
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  social media really, really, you know, shows me kind of a lot of
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  different people and a lot of those people are really bitter.
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  And the reason that they are on relationship pages and troll
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  relationship pages compulsively is because they were hurt in
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  relationships. And what have I taught you?
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  Right, that's because they were hurt growing up.
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  So then they've been drawn to really bad relationships, which
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  mimic and mirror the relationships that they saw as a
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  kid and how they felt treated as a kid in in, you know, directly.
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  So there's a lot of guys that got cheated on by women or are
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  in these very bad relationships. There's a preoccupied partner
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  and the woman is avoiding or rejecting or cold in some way.
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  And then they feel that all men struggle with that and all women
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  are basically bitches, you know, and you've heard this rhetoric
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  and seen these sort of comments. And so this guy, basically, I
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  didn't even think about this, But a different male commenter
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  said this is an excuse his wife is giving him, 'cause I did a
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  video to explain. It's a little video which you
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  can find on TikTok if you're following me or Facebook or
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  anywhere that I do videos, which is everywhere.
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  And anyway, so the guy said this is what his wife is telling him
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  is her reason and he's trying to make sense of it
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  physiologically. Now keep in mind that the, the
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  IT was said in a kind of a nasty way and it was like basically
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  like, you know, women are liars. Why can a hooker do it multiple
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  times a day? And you know, it wasn't just him
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  asking like, you know, sweetly, you know, inquiring as to if
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  prostitutes have a different anatomical make up it.
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  It was and that's why I thought it was trolling is.
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  It was in the context of him saying basically that I'm an
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  idiot and and what have you, you know, it was that sort of
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  negative tone. But then another male commenter
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  explained, 'cause I anonymized it, which of course I don't have
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  to do, 'cause when people do public comments, then they're
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  public comments, and anything I ever talk about here is a public
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  comment on my page said with the person's name.
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  But or or unless it's a topic that came up in the secret
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  group. And then people feel very,
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  they've told me, feel very special.
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  If I then make a podcast about something that they've brought
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  up, which is never their specific story, but rather a,
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  you know, an issue, you know, I might get into a larger issue to
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  talk about. But anyway, so so this guy was
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  was being rude and saying this, but then another guy pointed out
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  this is something his wife must have told him, is that women
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  can't do it multiple times a day.
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  And then he is like basically thinking, well, she's lying
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  because hookers can't. So he basically, it's really
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  interesting if you think about it.
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  So his lens of the world is that women are terrible, right?
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  And liars probably. And so then this what his wife
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  said, it amplifies and confirms confirmation bias is a super
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  normative cognitive bias that we all have where we pay more
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  attention to things that confirm our view of the world.
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  So he feels in that moment that his wife lied, you know, that
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  she knows that women can in fact do it multiple times a day.
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  But she told him that they can't.
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  And so this is an excuse. The guy explained to me that was
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  the male commenter, This is an excuse his wife gives him, and
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  he's trying to say that he knows that it's bullshit and he's
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  figured out why. That was, you know, very
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  interesting. You know, I thought he was
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  literally just saying, like, why doesn't your wife act like a
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  hooker? So that's what I addressed in my
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  video, and that's in case that's what he meant, I'll also address
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  that here. I'll I'll address all of the
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  different angles of the wife versus hooker question.
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  But I thought that was really interesting in and of itself
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  because it's likely true. It's likely true that his wife
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  said that. And you know what's even
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  crazier, right, is that she might think it because many
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  women have said to me, oh, you can't do it twice, twice, two
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  days in a row because it hurts, you know, so.
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  So women can't do it two days in a row.
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  And I'm like, what? Yes, they can.
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  Like, that is like, how do you think babies are made?
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  You know, a woman does it a whole bunch of times when she's
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  ovulating especially. And there's nothing in the
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  vagina that means that you can't.
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  And if it hurts, and I have a whole podcast about this, then
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  unless there's a medical condition going on, you're
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  likely not aroused, you know, and there's no foreplay.
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  And so therefore, of course, it's going to hurt if you have
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  sex you don't want to have, right.
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  So then it's like, it hurts. You're not wet, You're not
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  aroused. I have a podcast.
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  Female arousal, what it looks like, because a lot of men don't
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  understand this, you know? And so she, the wife in this
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  situation may well have thought that women can't do it twice in
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  a day because she can't imagine it because it hurts.
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  Right. And so that makes so much sense
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  given how many women have said to me, you can't do it on your
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  period, can't do it twice in a day like, or sorry, two days in
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  a row, et cetera. So women themselves have these
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  sorts of things that they think that are these superstitions
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  that they deeply believe So, I mean, or else it's possible that
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  she hates sex with him. So she says, so she does lie and
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  literally say it as an excuse that she thinks is going to save
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  face for him. You know, so that instead of
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  having to say I don't like having sex with you, please
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  don't ever try twice in a day. It's bad enough once a day, then
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  she says. A woman just can't do that.
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  Right? So, so, so that.
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  That in and of itself was so interesting, because it shows
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  how communication can go so awry when people are not educated
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  about sex and when they're not communicating with one another
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  such that they can make their sex lives better and more
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  pleasurable for both of them. Now we come to if he meant it
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  just to troll and to basically be like, why can't women, Why
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  can't wives just spread their legs a bunch?
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  Because prostitutes do. It ain't no problem, you know?
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  OK, so here's why. Let's Let's just really just
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  take a step back. I've done a lot of stuff where
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  I've written about men who think that their only value is being a
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  workhorse, being a provider. And these men really bemoan the
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  transactionality that they perceive in male female
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  relationships, such that they are upset by the idea that a
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  woman could possibly only think of them as a quote ATM.
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  These are another category of the male commenters I have are
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  those who insist that women are only with guys for their money.
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  And so that's not true. I mean, of course some women do
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  like, you know, to be with guys for their money, but that's just
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  like how some guys are marrying women only for looks.
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  That's not the majority of people.
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  The majority of people are not trying to just extort anybody or
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  take advantage of them in their marriage.
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  They're trying to be in love with a person.
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  And of course, 30% of women or more are primary breadwinners,
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  which blows that out of the water, but whatever.
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  So if men do not want women to be transactional but still want
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  the woman to say, well, I guess a hooker can do it.
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  So I guess I, for his paycheck, should spread my legs twice a
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  day. So what is that called, right?
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  That's super duper transactional.
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  A prostitute does not love her client, right?
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  She's trying to get a repeat customer.
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  So she's going to fake a performance.
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  She is going to fake that. She enjoys things more than she
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  does. So she's going to fake an
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  orgasm. She's going to fake that.
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  She's very excited and she's going to use whatever Lube she
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  needs to get her there and she is going to be putting on a
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  performance which does not. She could be thinking about her
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  grocery list. She could be thinking about her
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  next client. She could be thinking about that
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  this job sucks. She could be thinking anything
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  in her head. But what she's not thinking
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  about is that she loves this man and this is an expression of
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  their love. So you can't have a free lunch.
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  No free lunch, as I've talked about numerous times, No free
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  lunch at all. If you do not want women to be
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  transactional, then do not say if a hooker can do it.
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  Why can't she? Now, in the video I said you
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  can, by the way, do 8 hours of yard work a day too.
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  And your wife could hire somebody to do 8 hours of yard
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  work a day and they would do it for money and they might hate it
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  and they might hate her, but it wouldn't matter because they
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  would be doing it. They might love her, you know,
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  'cause she's paying them to do yard work.
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  And they picked doing yard work as an occupation.
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  But that does not mean that anybody's husband wants to do 8
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  hours of yard work a day, right? Or be told to do that.
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  So that would be kind of the same for like the woman having
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  sex all day like a hooker and the guy doing yard work all day
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  like a paid laborer. We would not want to equate
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  those things because within your intimate relationship, while I
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  am certainly a proponent that you need to do some things that
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  you don't want to do and get outside your comfort zone, you
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  should not feel like you are a paid laborer of any sort.
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  That is not the tone of engagement here that we are
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  going for in a healthy, intimate relationship.
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  So that's why your wife doesn't act like a hooker.
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  Also by the way, hookers have hugely high rates of mood
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  disorders including depression, PTSD and elevated rates of
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  suicidality. So while there are a very small
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  percentage of women that are you know more high end escorts that
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  that are in charge of their own clientele and that are doing
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  this to self actualize that is extraordinarily low.
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  You know that that that's a very, very small subset of all
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  sex workers and it may not be who you think it is.
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  If you go to a sex worker, many people are doing this because
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  they have no other option, you know, and and it's not a job
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  that is well respected and it's not legal, so you don't have any
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  recourse if things go badly. So if you are assaulted, which
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  is very common, then, then you can't really get any help for
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  that, right? Because you're already doing
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  something illegal. It's like my son likes this
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  thing on the radio, Florida Man. And every every day they talk
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  about a stupid thing in the news that a quote Florida man did,
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  and one of them was that somebody called the police
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  because a friend stole his weed. Now that's of course what it
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  would be like, though, if a hooker tried to call the police
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  because the guy tried to leave without paying or what have you.
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  She's already doing something illegal, so she has no recourse.
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  And hopefully you guys have thought about this before, but
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  if not, then it could be an eye opener.
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  Not to put hookers on a pedestal.
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  A lot of guys also do this with the whole amateur porn thing.
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  You know, like we do really, really don't know what percent
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  of amateur porn is is really consensual.
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  There's levels of consensual, too.
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  You know, there's somebody who's doing something consensually but
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  does not really feel that they have any other options at all,
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  and so is that consensual? That is a matter for
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  philosophers. But either way, what I think we
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  can all agree is we do not want our wife actually acting like a
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  hooker. Because inside the hooker's
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  mind, as she's doing all sorts of wonderful things for you, is
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  I hate this. I hate him.
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  Can't wait till this is over. Hope he comes quick.
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  And while some of you may say that's what my wife thinks
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  anyway and she's not doing the fancy shit, that would be a poor
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  conclusion to draw from this and quite cynical.
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  So where we do want to get to is that if your sex life is such
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  that you feel that it would be better to be with somebody where
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  it's purely transactional, then how don't you get into couples
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  counselling or sex therapy to work on your sex life or your
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  relationship? Because that doesn't sound
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  great, right. So if you love somebody and
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  you're being intimate with them, there's a lot of other
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  connection and closeness that you get from the sex act.
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  And you know, while of course there's a lot of reasons to have
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  sex, like adventure and novelty and play and and all sorts of
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  things that I talk about in other podcasts, there's also
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  connection and closeness. So if your wife starts to think
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  about things very transactionally, then then
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  that's going to go away. Now of course, like there,
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  there's a larger way that everything is kind of
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  transactional and if you're nice to somebody, then they're nice
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  to you, Okay, cool. You know, you get more flies
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  with honey, et cetera. And as I said in a recent
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  podcast, or not recent when you hear this, but maybe a month
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  ago, when you hear this, have more, having more sex gets you
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  out of doing shit you don't want to do.
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  And that's the truth. But you shouldn't use that,
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  like, to excess, you know, I mean, that's like, sure, like
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  the reality is a man is going to be happier and do more chores
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  for a woman that is sexually open and warm and adventurous
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  and loving, etcetera. But it's not like you should
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  fake those feelings if you don't feel them.
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  And you should like, be like, oh, I'm going to say I love you
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  and cuddle up to him, but I really am going to divorce him
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  next week. I'm literally talking to my
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  attorney about it. I mean, of course, not that that
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  that would be insane. Whereas the prostitute really is
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  not thinking anything terribly good about you.
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  You are just a customer, you know.
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  And if you do not want your wife to view you transactionally,
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  then do not equate her performance in bed to a hooker.
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  Do not think she should act more like a hooker.
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  Hooker should not be in the equation, just like she should
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  not compare you to a paid labourer or or the contractor.
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  There are so many women by the way, that are like so into the
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  contractor, you know, whether it's sexual or not, you know,
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  who knows? But but they they love having
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  that guy around, right? Because he's literally paid to
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  do whatever you want. You're like, you know what, I
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  just don't really like the counter.
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  And he's like, great idea, let's change the counter.
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  Like all you have to do is pay him.
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  It's basically like the contractor is like a hooker, but
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  like for women. Everything that she says she
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  wants to do around the house, he's like, that's such a good
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  idea. Like, let's work together and
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  collaborate. Let's meet at Home Depot and
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  check out the different tiles. You know it.
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  It's really quite funny to think about that as you know the
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  extension of what it would be like for to be with an actual
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  hooker for a woman, it's the contractor.
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  But but as I've said to you so many times most women do not
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  cheat. Do not think of that as sexual
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  at all and but they may like that guy a lot and so you could
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  take a page out of you know, that playbook and being more
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  agreeable would would be what to learn from that life lesson of
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  what if your wife really loves dealing with a contractor.
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  It's because he says yes, just like I always say.
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  Come from a a place of yes. Say yes as much as you can.
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  And I have a podcast on home projects too and creative outlet
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  or waste of money so you can go back and find that one.
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  All right. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed
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  and we're entertained by at the very least, this episode on
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  hookers and I will talk to you all soon.
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  Please do subscribe.