Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Ensure That Your Son Has A Shitty Sex Life One Day

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How To Ensure That Your Son Has A Shitty Sex Life One Day · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today. We are going to be talking about
• 0:11
  how to ensure that your son has a terrible sex life.
• 0:14
  Everybody's goal just kidding, but I thought it was a kind of
• 0:19
  attention grabbing headline, which could play on your
• 0:21
  heartstrings enough to make. You want to listen to it.
• 0:25
  So anyway, please do subscribe. These subscriber episode from
• 0:28
  yesterday. Was about why?
• 0:31
  Women actually want you to care? What they look like.
• 0:33
  Like, even though they say that, That they don't.
• 0:35
  But some of them say they do but you know, you can't fucking
• 0:38
  understand women so you might as well give it a listen.
• 0:40
  Okay, moving on. Oh and everybody should follow
• 0:43
  me on TiK ToK by the way, because I don't know people seem
• 0:46
  to like video, basically, everything.
• 0:48
  I don't like people like, so I hate podcasts people love
• 0:50
  podcasts. I don't like video people of
• 0:52
  video, so, you know, like just kind of just do every like you
• 0:56
  can just do everything that I don't like to do.
• 0:59
  I love to read pose fucking nobody reads posts.
• 1:03
  I mean, it's like it's funny. But anyway, so how can you
• 1:08
  ensure that your son has a terrible sex life?
• 1:10
  I don't know. Make sure he sees a completely
• 1:12
  sexless marriage because sexless marriages are basically
• 1:16
  genetically transmitted. I mean, they're obviously not
• 1:19
  and I'm being a hyperbolic but they might as well be because if
• 1:23
  you see a sexless marriage growing up, you basically gonna
• 1:25
  be in a sexless marriage. I have seen this so many times
• 1:29
  among my clients, so men in particular.
• 1:31
  So why do I say your son and not your daughter?
• 1:34
  Okay. I mean, unless you've been
• 1:36
  living in a hole, I mean, you got up to like three hundred
• 1:39
  something out of my podcast now. So you should know, men
• 1:41
  predicate, a lot of their self-esteem on whether they're
• 1:43
  getting laid, your sweet. Little boy, who likes nothing
• 1:46
  more than to play soccer and play video games is going to be
• 1:49
  the same way most likely. He will be real rare for him not
• 1:54
  to be. But of course, nowadays, you
• 1:56
  know, there's all these ranges on the spectrum of asexuality.
• 1:59
  So maybe you'll have a little asexual in which case proceed
• 2:02
  with your sexless marriage. But in the A large, you know,
• 2:06
  percent likelihood that he is a sexual entity, you want to show
• 2:11
  him some sort of template of what it looks like when a male
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  is pursued by a female because this is literally what men want
• 2:20
  the most out of their entire life.
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  And that is genetically and evolutionarily programmed
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  because men are supposed to spread their seed.
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  If I was a Biblical person I'm sure there's a Bible quote about
• 2:30
  that but I'm not so you could insert one if you'd like But
• 2:35
  anyway, men are supposed to like fucking oh it's Hebrew, its Prue
• 2:39
  or Vu be fruitful and multiply. So yeah, that's what they want
• 2:42
  to do. So women want to do that to, but
• 2:45
  not the same way because they can't have 100 babies.
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  Whereas, a man cat, you know, biologically not that he should.
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  You don't need that many grandchildren, that would be
• 2:53
  expensive. So the point being here, your
• 2:57
  son is never going to think of himself as a man who could have
• 3:00
  sex. If his father's, not a man who's
• 3:01
  having sex, this does not mean that your father, his father
• 3:04
  needs to take him. The room and show him.
• 3:06
  Here's how you been sir, your penis.
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  No, I'm not talking about anything ridiculous.
• 3:10
  Kids can pick up on Vibes just like anybody cat fucking dogs
• 3:16
  pick up on when you're sad, right?
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  So it wasn't your kid going to pick up on the turmeric as
• 3:19
  Lovelace. Of course, you could tell
• 3:21
  yourself different and it's not true because if you reflect, if
• 3:25
  you are in a sexless marriage or a low sex marriage, or marriage
• 3:28
  in which sex is fraught, and a matter of contention, then it is
• 3:31
  extremely likely that you saw the same thing and didn't you
• 3:34
  See the same thing. Don't you know what was going
• 3:37
  on? Even though you weren't in their
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  bedroom? Yeah, of course, because every
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  time, the Dad tried to reach out a hand, to Mom.
• 3:43
  She rebuffed him or nobody reached out on your hands.
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  I don't know. And they basically didn't touch
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  it. Unless one of them had to put
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  out the other one that just, you know, was lit on fire and
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  possibly not even then. So there's so many people that
• 3:55
  never see their parents kiss and canoodle and cuddle.
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  And then they are the ones that think this is normal and this is
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  Expect it. So these are the boys that very
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  much want a close and sexual relationship as again, 99% of
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  men will but that wasn't a real statistic, maybe it's 97.
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  I don't give a shit, but they can't get one because they have
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  no idea that that is a possible and B they have no template for
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  how to do it. Don't like underestimate the
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  importance of parenting on shaping your templates for
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  relationships. I talk about this all the time
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  to the point that by now they should Just be a key aspect of
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  your worldview. Parenting shapes children,
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  parenting then shapes the children that grow into adults.
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  Those adults are shaped by what they saw growing up, you know?
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  And if you are a boy and you have never seen your father, be
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  basically romantically successful, how the fuck do you
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  know how to do that? You don't, you literally don't.
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  And as I said in a previous podcast, you're not even really
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  getting those templates on popular media anymore, like
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  there's no sick. Year, old boy, that's Googling
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  happily married men. No one, no one.
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  They're Googling like, you know, as mff threesome.
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  You know, they're not Googling happily married, man.
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  There's a lot of cute little tick, tocks, and stuff.
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  As I've talked about, in my intimacy porn one, where you can
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  see, like a husband, you know, going over and kissing his wife,
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  but they're not researching that shit, and it's not on the
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  popular media. It's not on the TV anymore.
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  The storylines of the parents are barely there anymore because
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  our society. Society's become increasingly
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  child-centered and increasingly sex phobic.
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  So while as I discussed in the TV one, you know Angela Chase is
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  parents on my so-called life. We're having sex.
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  It's not like that on. Never have I ever now the other
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  show. So you should go back and listen
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  to that one because I think it's pretty interesting.
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  It's reflective of the entire sociological change in how we
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  perceive sex. So there's really no template
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  for a teenage boy or a younger boy that is going to grow into a
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  And then an adult about how to think about yourself as a man,
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  who deserves a willing and responsive an enthusiastic
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  romantic partner. If the guy does not see it in
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  the young man, the boy does not see that and his family of
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  origin. So this is the primary reason
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  that you as a mother or you as a father should be working on your
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  relationship. It's not just you and the game.
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  Once you're a parent, the number one thing that makes boys
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  anxious around with And it's because they've not seen their
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  father be successful with women, you know, for all of how bad it
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  is to have a dad. That was a cheating philandering
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  piece of shit and I see many of them, you know, boys especially
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  and some girls, you know, grown up.
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  So they are there for men and women who had real piece of shit
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  narcissistic parents, right? So that's why they end up in
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  therapy. But I'll tell you, you know,
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  like the guy who always saw his dad successfully flirt with
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  women that weren't his mother, although Guy was a raging
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  scumbag. That boy does not usually have
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  its many problems with women. He has trouble with trusting
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  women, he has trouble with being nice to women, but he is not
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  trouble getting women and I'll tell you another sobering truth.
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  Like depression is going to come for the boy who thinks he can't
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  get women more than it comes to the boy who uses women for sex.
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  Now listen, you don't want your son to be either of those
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  people, right? You really don't but you let's
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  be real. Are all kind of selfish about
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  our kids. You less likely want the child
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  that's struggling with debilitating depression, right?
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  I mean, I would so, and, and tremendous, asphyxiating, social
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  anxiety, vis-à-vis approaching the opposite.
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  Sex boys are like, you know, the whole in cell Community, right
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  in cell involuntarily celibate? That's the that's their little
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  abbreviation for it. These are the guys who do.
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  What that one did Elliot Rogers, I He killed a girl who rejected
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  him is offered to go to the prom they have internet communities,
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  right? So when that happened, I'm like
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  looking through them because of course I'm interested in all
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  things people thankfully because this is my job would be stupid
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  job if I wasn't and you got to see those, you know, the
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  rhetoric is super interesting. Like they really think of
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  themselves. These teenage boys who post on
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  these forums. They really think of themselves
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  as victims and And just kind of the men that women don't want
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  and therefore they're almost dumb, they're extremely angry.
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  They don't really view women as people.
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  They view their lives as just an unfair joke because they cannot
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  get women. You if you have, if you're not
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  familiar with this kind of talk, especially if you're a woman and
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  you're not because men are like, oh yeah, I could see that, you
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  know, but like women are like what you know you got.
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  Like read some of this like that's who you don't want your
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  son to become, I don't care how handsome he is.
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  He may feel like that at some point if he does not have
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  confidence to approach women and he will not have confidence to
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  approach women. If he does not see a father who
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  is confidently able to approach a woman and the only woman, if
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  y'all are married that his father's allowed to approach.
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  If he's not being a douche bag is, you is the woman.
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  So I don't, I'm, you know, I always vacillate, I never know
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  who I'm talking to here is probably primarily.
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  Eerily dudes for a podcast of this sort, but who the fuck
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  knows? It's a lot of women to.
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  So, the point is, it's extremely extremely hard for your son to
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  develop healthy self-esteem, which involves thinking of
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  himself, as a person who can approach women and who likely
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  will be responded to well, and who can have a loving and close,
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  including close physically relationship with a woman if he
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  never sees this. So, It's really a sobering
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  thought, you know, because you may not have a lot of impact on
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  your kids in many different ways, a lot of shit is
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  genetically mediated. Like if your kid, if you have
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  ADHD kind of likely your kids going to have ADHD, nothing, you
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  can really do about that. You could certainly set up a
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  good situation for them with a lot of organization, and
• 10:23
  goal-setting, and help them, you know, with their calendar.
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  But if they have ADHD from their genes, that's just what they
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  have this though, this is not genetically mediated this is
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  environment. So, you know, if a man has a
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  self image of somebody who cannot approach women
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  successfully because he has never actually seen that happen
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  in his home. Then you know, like he's
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  probably going to go one of two ways, either he's going to be
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  very, very socially anxious and close early on almost the first
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  woman who gives him any attention irrespective of.
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  Whether she is very affectionate a very warm or not because he's
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  so happy and relieved that some woman, Giving him the time of
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  day cause he never thought it would happen or and this is
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  equally bad. He can go down a rabbit hole of
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  like how to manipulate and game women because he feels so lost
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  and has no fucking idea what to do and then he really does turn
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  into a douchebag. So you know, these are two paths
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  that I see frequently in my practice.
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  If you are, if you are somebody who very much wants your son to
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  be happy as an adult, you kind of need to get Give them the
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  template of what a loving relationship looks like because
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  that is a key factor in men's self-esteem, and their ability
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  to confidently navigate the world.
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  Do they know that a woman can love them, you know.
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  Like do they feel lovable do is their male role model?
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  Lovable is somebody that this so you can say well you know this
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  is different because like he's like me you know, as a woman.
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  He's like me, he's like Mommy, he has like a lot of my trades
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  and so like I don't really think he's modeling himself on his
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  father at all, man, you That a bridge to sell you.
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  If you really think that like males model themselves on males,
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  like I've never literally never ever had a man.
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  Who in a session, when I said, who is your role model?
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  Not everybody, says my dad, but like, no man.
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  Say my mom, they just don't put her in that bucket.
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  They say, I'm really admire. My mom, she's great.
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  Like, I look up to my mom, but they don't say, like, my mom is
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  my role model, because that's not their template for how to
• 12:29
  view the world, their template, for how to view the world is to
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  pick up mail as their role model.
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  Some people have no Role model, but women can say do say, my mom
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  and sometimes women say my dad, but I not heard men, say my mom,
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  they say she was great. She was a single mom.
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  She works her ass off, whatever. You know, various things that
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  they could say for respecting her.
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  But in terms of an actual role model that usually another male.
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  So they are looking at their father and they're assessing
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  whether their father seems to be successful and happy.
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  And that's not how much money he makes that.
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  Is whether he is approved of and accepted and loved at home
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  because Your son's not super materialistic.
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  I mean he may be depending on the climate of your home.
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  But I mean, he it's this is this is far deeper the desire to
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  connect with a woman is a far deeper motivator for men than
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  money. Thankfully I mean that's good
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  relational rather than just materialistic and so his father
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  can make all the money in the world but if a kid if a boy does
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  not see that man be successful with women that is going to run.
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  Very, very deep and affect his core self image and make him
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  running scared. But he's going to be Running
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  Scared throughout his adolescence and young adulthood
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  to ensure that somehow he does not end up in the same situation
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  and fear, leads to stupid decisions, leads to either
• 13:52
  closing too quickly, on the first woman who Smiles, at you,
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  or trying to turn into a player. And neither is a wonderful
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  outcome. So, hopefully this gave you
• 14:01
  something to think about because There's no amount that you can
• 14:06
  love your kids that teach them about successful adult, Intimate
• 14:11
  Relationships, you are teaching them deeply to trust.
• 14:14
  Yeah. They'll trust people like if you
• 14:16
  love your kids enough, then you're teaching them that people
• 14:19
  can love, but you know, and that they should not fear other
• 14:23
  people, but you're not giving them any sort of automatic
• 14:26
  default for how relationships work.
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  So then it also begs the question, some people will say,
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  well, I'm a single parent and I don't feel like date.
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  Eating. So what do I do?
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  Well, I mean, in that case, at least you're not giving them a
• 14:39
  bad role model, you know, like, is it's easier to have nothing
• 14:42
  than to have something bad bad Burrows itself into your
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  Consciousness. So, in that point you would say,
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  you know, like I don't feel like dating but, you know, I hope
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  that you can learn about relationships from let's say,
• 14:54
  and Susie, and Uncle Jeff or whatever and you know, and make
• 14:59
  your own way in the world. Obviously, like I feel that
• 15:02
  you're very lovable and wonderful but I am your So, you
• 15:05
  know, it's super important for you to learn about that sort of
• 15:08
  thing. And unfortunately, I can't show
• 15:10
  you a direct template for it. I have confidence, you're smart
• 15:13
  and you'll figure it out, but that is like.
• 15:16
  So then the kid kind of knows, okay, I'm going kind of blind
• 15:19
  into the world, you know, in this regard.
• 15:21
  But at least so here's here's what's interesting too.
• 15:25
  Because like, that's open that's open and honest.
• 15:28
  And honestly, even if you said absolutely nothing and you're
• 15:31
  just a single parent, they know they're like, oh I I have no
• 15:35
  template for like they don't say template, but you know what I
• 15:37
  mean? Like, they'll say mental, say to
• 15:39
  me in session, you know. Yeah, I really didn't know
• 15:41
  anything about relationships. I didn't see any, you know, so
• 15:45
  kind of, I'm kind of cobbling shit together, right now.
• 15:47
  Like, when men's father died, you know, then they'll say,
• 15:50
  well, I didn't have a role model for Dad because my father passed
• 15:52
  away when I was a boy. But, you know, I've always known
• 15:56
  that. And so it's been important to me
• 15:58
  to figure out my own bath. Has a father.
• 16:00
  All right? This is like even honest and
• 16:03
  even-handed kind of honest. Duh reflection what people don't
• 16:07
  do when they're in a sexless. Marriages is say things like,
• 16:10
  well, Bobby, do you see how I kind of shudder and revulsion
• 16:14
  when Daddy tries to touch me? That's because I have
• 16:17
  deep-seated fear of sex, that was passed to me, from my mother
• 16:21
  also, your father, had some instances of infidelity during
• 16:24
  are dating. I've never really forgiven him
• 16:26
  for those, but I really don't like to talk about feeling, so
• 16:28
  we don't go to couples counseling.
• 16:30
  So never do anything. We do Bobby, best of luck to
• 16:33
  you. Know what they say is Daddy, and
• 16:37
  I love each other. We're a happy family.
• 16:40
  Yeah, bullshit. So now Bobby poor Bobby, right?
• 16:43
  I'm getting upset even though he's a fiction, he's like, oh,
• 16:47
  this is what happily married people do they kind of look at
• 16:50
  each other with, you know, sorrow and anger and never touch
• 16:56
  and dad looks lonely. I shit.
• 16:58
  And maybe that's why he drinks so much and moms angry all the
• 17:01
  time. I guess.
• 17:01
  That's pretty normal, you know? And so then when Meet a girl in
• 17:05
  like my sophomore year of college who's kind of angry
• 17:09
  seeming doesn't really like to touch, but, you know, every few
• 17:12
  weeks. So let me fuck her.
• 17:13
  I'm gonna think I hit the jackpot, man, because I just met
• 17:15
  my next wife. That is what Rings, all those
• 17:18
  bells in my head for familiarity because I was never told not to.
• 17:22
  I would never told not to it now with this doesn't mean is that
• 17:25
  you should say, Bobby your father's a piece of shit, you
• 17:28
  know? And that is the only reason why
• 17:30
  our marriage isn't working out. Now you be sure never to be like
• 17:33
  him. No, don't do that.
• 17:34
  That's horrible and bad and emotionally abusive.
• 17:38
  So if you're going to stay with Bobby's Daddy, what you got to
• 17:41
  do is work on the marriage so that Bobby could see a mutually
• 17:44
  respectful loving marriage or if you're really can't and you got
• 17:48
  to look at that man with contempt always then you gotta
• 17:50
  leave them right to that. Bobby doesn't think this is a
• 17:52
  happy marriage. So, I mean that's really the
• 17:55
  upshot. If you cannot give your kids a
• 17:57
  healthy template for a marriage, you got a deeply consider,
• 18:00
  whether you should stay in. Because if they are seeing
• 18:02
  something where they are learning, Is that particularly
• 18:06
  for men? Again, who really from
• 18:08
  everything I see cannot be happy unless they are in a loving
• 18:13
  relationship with a woman or ended in Aura.
• 18:17
  At least a, a liking relationship with a woman having
• 18:23
  an having romantic relationship with a woman.
• 18:26
  Very, very few. Adult males are happy in the
• 18:28
  absence of a romantic relationship.
• 18:30
  Many more females are because of differences in hormones.
• 18:34
  But anyway, so there's wait. So like, how men get married
• 18:37
  quicker after divorce. They get married quicker after
• 18:39
  widowhood. They just get married quicker.
• 18:41
  They, it's very key to them to be in a romantic relationship.
• 18:44
  There's evolutionary reasons as I discussed.
• 18:46
  So the point is, unless you're willing to be a healthy template
• 18:50
  or at least put in some effort toward it, you can't really say
• 18:53
  that you're doing everything that you can to have a happy
• 18:56
  family. And to, you know, solidify
• 18:59
  either either genders of children's later, happiness
• 19:03
  within relationships. Ships but particularly the males
• 19:06
  who statistically are going to put more weight into how they
• 19:09
  are perceived and accepted sexually by women.
• 19:12
  Okay? Hope that you got something out
• 19:14
  of this guy's and I'll talk to you all soon.