Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should You Wait To Have Sex With New Partner Because Of Oxytocin Being Released Or Whatever BS Theory You Read Online?

Transcript

Should You Wait To Have Sex With New Partner Because Of Oxytocin Being Released Or Whatever BS Theory You Read Online? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to this episode of the Doctor Psych Mom
• 0:08
  Show. This is going to be a good one
• 0:12
  because it targets the theory that people banzi about online.
• 0:17
  One of the myriad theories that are kind of garbage, where you
• 0:22
  shouldn't have sex with somebody.
• 0:24
  Because when you do your body releases all this oxytocin and
• 0:28
  you bond to them like a baby koala to its mother.
• 0:31
  And then you will be that that will prevent you from seeing any
• 0:35
  other red flags in them and then you will marry them and and your
• 0:39
  life will be a devastation And that's bullshit.
• 0:42
  And I'll talk about why right after I tell you to subscribe.
• 0:45
  Most recent subscriber episode was if your wife has never
• 0:49
  experience sexual frustration, that's why she thinks you're
• 0:52
  coercive. And I also have the great quote
• 0:55
  from a Facebook group member Grumpy if she doesn't get the
• 0:59
  Dick because I I did add that one into the episode because if
• 1:04
  your wife has never been Grumpy, if she doesn't get the Dick, she
• 1:07
  does not really understand how you feel when you're sexually
• 1:10
  frustrated. And that may lead to her saying
• 1:12
  you're maritally coercive in ways that that subscriber
• 1:15
  episode describes. All right.
• 1:17
  I think it's a pretty good one, too.
• 1:19
  All right. So moving on.
• 1:21
  So a lot of times obviously I'm super on the side
• 1:25
  philosophically of sex is a huge part of a relationship.
• 1:29
  Sexual compatibility chemistry attraction.
• 1:34
  And of course Dr. goes down after the honeymoon stage.
• 1:37
  And within monogamy and the couples that can best weather
• 1:40
  that are the ones who are sexually compatible at the
• 1:43
  start, which means similar erotic blueprints.
• 1:46
  And you could refer back to that and very attracted to each other
• 1:49
  and have this you know, have good sex maybe the first time is
• 1:53
  it as great technically as all the subsequent times.
• 1:56
  But you know if somebody's sexually compatible or they're
• 1:59
  not, you really do when you have sex with them.
• 2:02
  So there is no way to tell if you will be sexually compatible
• 2:05
  with somebody before having sex with them.
• 2:08
  Just like there is no way to tell if you will be, you know, a
• 2:11
  good workout buddy with somebody unless you go work out with them
• 2:14
  or good at travel with somebody before you travel with them.
• 2:18
  Or here's a great one. Some people ask for like a, you
• 2:22
  know, a free, you know, 10 minute consultation with a new
• 2:25
  therapist to see if you click. You don't know shit about if you
• 2:29
  click because they're not doing therapy.
• 2:31
  They're trying to make a sale because you can't do therapy in
• 2:33
  20 in 10 minutes. They're just trying.
• 2:35
  They're they're on an interview, you know, if they're good at
• 2:37
  interviewing or not, you know, And that doesn't have to do with
• 2:40
  whether they're good at therapy. So you got to actually do the
• 2:43
  thing that you're going to do to know if somebody's good, a good
• 2:47
  fit with you at the thing, whatever the hell The thing is.
• 2:51
  So since sex is such a big part of a happy relationship, sex is
• 2:54
  part of of it. You know, do I say have sex on
• 2:56
  the first date? I mean, if you want to, But, you
• 2:59
  know, most people don't, or many people don't.
• 3:01
  And so. But within the first few dates,
• 3:04
  right. Why would you keep going on for
• 3:06
  months with somebody who you may not be sexually compatible with?
• 3:10
  Well, people say, well, it's because of science.
• 3:13
  Capital S says that you release oxytocin.
• 3:16
  Let me tell you, Taxi Tosin is released during hand holding
• 3:21
  during studies show. Looking at a picture of your
• 3:24
  beloved partner, breastfeeding, cuddling like anything.
• 3:31
  Thinking of your partner. Women release milk when they
• 3:34
  look at a picture of their baby when they're trying to pump
• 3:36
  during the day. So it's any thought about
• 3:40
  somebody that you love or spending time with them,
• 3:43
  smelling them, sitting next to them.
• 3:45
  All of this shit releases the bonding hormones.
• 3:47
  People are meant to bond and fall in love.
• 3:49
  Don't you remember being Maybe not.
• 3:51
  Maybe you didn't have, but the people who had high school
• 3:53
  sweethearts and didn't have sex with them, didn't you still love
• 3:56
  them? Of course you could love them
• 3:58
  more. Why?
• 3:59
  Because you idealize more stuff. You don't know what sex would be
• 4:03
  like, so you assume that it would be wonderful.
• 4:05
  This is all these purity culture couples that I see that waited
• 4:08
  to have sex, and they waited and they loved the person so much.
• 4:12
  Oh, what happened? I thought they couldn't love
• 4:13
  them that much because they didn't release oxytocin.
• 4:15
  Well, that's a bullshit garbage theory, right?
• 4:17
  So of course you can fall in love.
• 4:19
  And you fall in more love because there's more
• 4:21
  idealization happening because you're so in love with your
• 4:25
  beautiful fiance who's going to be your beautiful wife.
• 4:27
  And then your sex life is going to be as good as everything else
• 4:30
  in your relationship. Bam, honeymoon stage ends.
• 4:34
  And the honeymoon, the actual honeymoon happens and it's
• 4:38
  terrible, you know, no, no sex, no sexual compatibility anywhere
• 4:43
  to be seen and people try to work on it and it turns out that
• 4:46
  they are just not suited in that area and that many, many, many
• 4:51
  people wait for marriage because they can, because it's easy for
• 4:54
  them. There is some idea that that was
• 4:58
  mentioned my Facebook group that guys think that women who don't
• 5:00
  sleep with a lot of men or who who are virgins especially have
• 5:04
  a lot of self-control. This is stupid.
• 5:06
  They don't want to do it. How is it self-control?
• 5:09
  So I said it's just like saying that a woman who's never got
• 5:11
  into a bar fight has a lot of self-control.
• 5:13
  Most women are terrified to get into a bar fight.
• 5:16
  Women are not men. They you know, so a high libido
• 5:19
  woman that for her maybe it would be self-control not to
• 5:22
  have sex before marriage, but for a low libido woman, it's
• 5:26
  it's great. It's the best part of her life,
• 5:28
  you know, not having sex. Once she starts to have sex
• 5:31
  after marriage, she she was like, oh fuck, you know, I mean,
• 5:34
  I wish this was back before marriage when I didn't have to
• 5:36
  do this. So this I.
• 5:38
  So my my point is, is that there's really no way to tell if
• 5:41
  you're compatible with somebody in any domain without actually
• 5:44
  doing the thing. And there is no increased
• 5:48
  bonding. I see people obsessed with
• 5:51
  people that they don't sleep with, even more than people that
• 5:55
  they do sleep with. Because you're idealizing more
• 5:58
  and you're putting something on a pedestal and you're thinking
• 6:00
  it's going to be even better than it is.
• 6:01
  So this oxytocin thing is bullshit.
• 6:04
  It's just total bullshit, you know?
• 6:06
  It's the same. You could look up.
• 6:08
  I'll find you is here. I'll put you on pause.
• 6:09
  I'll find you the study that I found here super fast.
• 6:13
  Not that you know, because I put you on pause, but it only took
• 6:15
  me like 30 seconds, you know, to type it in.
• 6:18
  Oxytocin is released in response to pleasant mental experiences.
• 6:23
  Such a release of oxytocin may EG be induced by seeing,
• 6:26
  hearing, smelling or thinking of well known and loved persons,
• 6:29
  but also by other pleasant situations.
• 6:32
  And then we go and we talk all about it.
• 6:34
  Also released in response to activation of somatosensory
• 6:37
  nerves which mediate non painful and pleasant Francis non noxious
• 6:41
  information, EG induced by touch, stroking, warmth and
• 6:45
  light pressure of the skin. This in case anybody cares, is
• 6:50
  self soothing behaviors with particular reference to oxytocin
• 6:53
  release induced by non noxious sensory stimulation.
• 6:56
  Frontiers in Psychology, 2014. Five, volume 1529 Whatever.
• 7:05
  It doesn't matter. It's it's.
• 7:07
  It's just a known thing. Every mother reads about this.
• 7:11
  Cuddling, breastfeeding, looking at the baby, stroking the baby's
• 7:15
  head. All this shit releases oxytocin.
• 7:18
  This isn't just by getting like, fucked by some guy.
• 7:21
  Like what are we crazy? You know, Like that is not real.
• 7:24
  So you have an orgasm with a guy but you can also fall in love
• 7:27
  with him from a make out session, which by the way, many
• 7:31
  women feel much more pleasurable about the make out session than
• 7:34
  sex because you don't have to see that he doesn't know where
• 7:36
  clitoris is or whatever, you know.
• 7:38
  So so let's just just think straight.
• 7:42
  There's not going to be any situation where you fall in love
• 7:45
  with somebody that is is is different because of hormones
• 7:50
  and a different situation where you fall in love with somebody.
• 7:52
  Now if you're saying that you're religious, you don't want to
• 7:54
  have sex before marriage, you just got to understand this
• 7:57
  stuff then, right? Like, so you got to really,
• 7:59
  really, really go into it with your head on straight.
• 8:02
  You have no idea about sexual compatibility.
• 8:06
  You really don't. Let's maybe you do everything.
• 8:08
  But, I mean, I don't really know.
• 8:10
  And isn't that not the spirit of the law?
• 8:12
  So sometimes people say, well, what do you do if you don't want
• 8:15
  to have sex before marriage, but you want to know sex is good
• 8:17
  before marriage? It's like, I don't know.
• 8:20
  I'm not. I'm not a magician.
• 8:22
  I can make some shit up. I can make a a quiz up for you.
• 8:26
  But no woman knows how she's going to feel about sex till she
• 8:28
  starts having sex. It's like no man knows that
• 8:32
  either. By the way, nobody knows how
• 8:34
  they're going to feel about sex until they start having sex.
• 8:36
  And you most certainly don't know who you're sexually
• 8:38
  compatible with. So yes, within a loving
• 8:42
  relationship that you're trying to figure out, like, you know,
• 8:47
  if you should be together, sexual compatibility is a huge
• 8:50
  part that doesn't make you shallow.
• 8:52
  And here's what happens, by the way, when you wait the few
• 8:54
  months, because I've seen this app.
• 8:56
  So a woman decides she read all this shit about oxytocin on the
• 8:59
  Internet, right? So she's like, oh, fool me once,
• 9:02
  not going to do it, not going to sleep with him, right.
• 9:04
  So instead, she stays with this guy for three months, getting
• 9:07
  more and more in love with him, having extensive, you know, long
• 9:11
  walks, long talks, long cuddles, all of which releases oxytocin,
• 9:16
  100% of those things. She's drunk on new love.
• 9:19
  Which 100%? You don't need sex for that.
• 9:21
  And then she's like, I'm going to do it.
• 9:23
  I'm going to finally have sex with him, you know?
• 9:25
  So she had sex with him. It's shit.
• 9:26
  It's garbage. He comes instantly.
• 9:29
  He doesn't ask to finish her off.
• 9:31
  Doesn't seem to evince any knowledge of her body at all.
• 9:35
  You know, actually, he he himself just is, is a
• 9:40
  disappointing lover in in all ways and she's just not
• 9:44
  attracted to him in bed. But Oh no.
• 9:47
  But she was in love with him. She was so in love with him.
• 9:50
  She was talking to her girlfriends about him.
• 9:52
  He's so smart. He's really funny.
• 9:55
  He's, you know, he's he's going to be a great dad.
• 9:57
  And you know what? She was in love with him.
• 9:59
  So I guess we could work on it. So she tries to have sex with
• 10:02
  him the next week. It's the same kind of thing.
• 10:05
  Maybe she has no experience, of course, except the one guy she
• 10:08
  slept with too early, which she's doing all this in reaction
• 10:11
  to, right? In my hypothetical example here,
• 10:14
  because I said shame, you know, fool me once.
• 10:17
  So she she has barely any idea about her body.
• 10:20
  She has no idea what to tell him to do.
• 10:21
  She's never seen porn in her life.
• 10:23
  She never wants to. She she doesn't really know
• 10:25
  anything. So what she knows is that the
• 10:28
  kissing, you know, was the best part of it, but everything else
• 10:31
  is kind of shit, and she doesn't know what to say to make it
• 10:34
  better. She doesn't want to be somebody
• 10:36
  so shallow that would break up with him over this.
• 10:38
  So she thinks to herself, all right, you know, I guess this
• 10:41
  just won't be a big part of our relationship.
• 10:43
  That's fine. You know, I wanted a more
• 10:45
  spiritual relationship anyway, and I really love him.
• 10:48
  And so they get married and guess what?
• 10:50
  5-10 years. She's very, very unhappy.
• 10:53
  She realizes that she made a grievous error.
• 10:56
  She doesn't want to go the rest of her life without sex and
• 10:58
  without sexual attraction. They've gone to like 15 sex
• 11:01
  therapist. Nothing helps.
• 11:02
  And, you know, then they get divorced.
• 11:04
  So is that better? Is that better?
• 11:06
  Or maybe she remains with him in perpetuity, just masturbating on
• 11:09
  the side. I mean, is that better?
• 11:11
  No. No, it's not better.
• 11:13
  So my point is, have sex early enough that you wouldn't.
• 11:16
  You don't already visualize a life with this person.
• 11:19
  Because once you visualize a life with the person, then you
• 11:22
  have to be the person who would pick bad sex over that whole
• 11:26
  life, and people are not strong enough to do that.
• 11:29
  It's very, very hard to turn away from somebody that you love
• 11:32
  in all other ways because you got one more piece of the
• 11:35
  puzzle, no matter how important it is.
• 11:37
  I see this happen all the time with other things too.
• 11:39
  So a man totally falls in love with a woman and it's like 6
• 11:43
  months in and he's ready to propose and she drops some
• 11:46
  comment that she never wants kids.
• 11:48
  So it's he wanted kids his whole life, but it's so hard for him
• 11:51
  to just dump her based on that because he has all this love for
• 11:54
  her. So what happens?
• 11:56
  They get married and he tries to convince her endlessly to have
• 11:58
  kids or he tries to convince himself in therapy for years not
• 12:01
  to want kids. And in reality, he should have
• 12:03
  asked this on the first date, you know, and then he could have
• 12:06
  just left. There would not be all this six
• 12:10
  months of good feeling and falling in love and oxytocin
• 12:13
  release, whether they did or did not have sex, etcetera.
• 12:17
  That is my true advice. And there's no way to, you know,
• 12:21
  make it feel good to people who don't want sex before marriage
• 12:24
  because it's like saying you don't want to talk to the person
• 12:27
  before marriage and then you want to make sure that you're
• 12:29
  really good at talking. It's I mean at at a certain
• 12:32
  point the the reality is this, if you are a very religious
• 12:35
  person and you want to not have sex before marriage, then you
• 12:39
  have to make peace with the fact that sex may not be good in your
• 12:43
  marriage. And there are more important
• 12:44
  things from your perspective and you're going to have a deeper,
• 12:46
  more spiritual connection. And if that's OK with you and
• 12:49
  you have truly made peace with that, then you do what you want,
• 12:53
  right? But also those people change.
• 12:55
  Somebody who's very romantic and idealistic about everything in
• 12:59
  the whole world, including religion when they're a young
• 13:01
  person may get 10 years into a marriage and be like, wait, why?
• 13:06
  Why did I think that, you know, like right now I'm unhappy, I'm
• 13:10
  not really attracted to this person because believe me, when
• 13:13
  you're not sexually compatible, it can get rid of attraction
• 13:15
  that you thought that you had. Attraction that is based on how
• 13:17
  somebody looks goes by the wayside when you do not click in
• 13:21
  bed, right. And many people have experienced
• 13:24
  that in relationships. So the the point is here is
• 13:29
  people have got to make their own decisions.
• 13:31
  But what I try to do is to say what I see in practice, What I
• 13:34
  see in practice is that young people are super idealistic and
• 13:37
  they're idealistic about everything, including how little
• 13:40
  sex is going to have to matter in their relationship.
• 13:42
  And then it does, you know, and it may not be sex itself.
• 13:45
  It may be that's sexual compatibility, that erotic
• 13:48
  compatibility, feeling at home with somebody physically, you
• 13:52
  know, and and some of you are like, well, why isn't she just
• 13:55
  make that guy better in bed? You can't just make anybody into
• 13:58
  anything. You can't.
• 14:00
  You can't just do that. And guys also yell at women for
• 14:03
  wanting to do that on the Internet.
• 14:05
  They're like, how could you marry somebody wanting to change
• 14:06
  him? But think about the woman in
• 14:08
  that situation. Really think about the woman
• 14:10
  that, like, listen to all this garbage on oxytocin and whatever
• 14:14
  religious stuff that she learned and then it turns out that he's
• 14:18
  terrible in bed. What is she going to do?
• 14:20
  She's been trained her whole life to not think sex is a big
• 14:23
  deal, but yet she wants it. And So what does she do in that
• 14:28
  situation? It's like a lady or the tiger
• 14:30
  situation. Look up that short story.
• 14:32
  It's a classic and it's like a no win situation.
• 14:36
  So most women will not dump that guy and then men castigate them
• 14:40
  on the Internet for just married, for just settling for
• 14:42
  somebody that's just stable. But she fell in love with him
• 14:45
  and she waited. And she waited and she's been
• 14:47
  taught that sex isn't the most important thing.
• 14:50
  But then guess what? Over time you learn that it's
• 14:53
  very important to have some sort of physical and erotic
• 14:55
  compatibility with a mate. Anyway, I hope that you guys
• 15:00
  enjoyed this. I hope that you will listen to
• 15:02
  the other subscriber episode as well on female sexual
• 15:05
  frustration. And if your wife has never had
• 15:07
  it, that's why she can't understand yours.
• 15:09
  And I will talk to everybody soon.
• 15:11
  Join my Facebook secret group Blue subscribe button.
• 15:14
  Lots and lots of great threads in there.
• 15:16
  Talk to Y'all soon. Bye, bye.