Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Get Couple Time When You Have Small Kids

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How To Get Couple Time When You Have Small Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:06
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
0:08
Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about how to make
0:12
time for intimate couple connection when you have small
0:17
children. So, this is a common problem.
0:21
Is that in our society now? People do not live in, you know,
0:25
extended family networks. You still eat it.
0:29
Used to be that people would live with Mother mother-in-law.
0:32
Lots of extended family people were around too.
0:36
Children if need be people do not do that as much anymore.
0:39
So there are many couples with small children that are very
0:43
isolated. And in covid, there were people
0:46
who were anxious about getting babysitters, although hopefully
0:49
that is wearing off now. But either way, people end up,
0:55
not really having the time to spend as a couple while they
0:59
have small kids, which is exactly the time of life where
1:03
you would need this. The most to connect with your
1:06
partner because you may feel very disconnected on a daily
1:09
basis. Women in particular get to feel
1:12
touched out if they're nursing, if they are have very small kids
1:16
climbing on them all the time and then they don't even want to
1:21
hug or kiss their husbands who then feel even more distant from
1:25
them and hurt. So, this is a time of life where
1:27
it's really important to have regular time that you connect.
1:32
So how can that happen? Practically speaking.
1:36
Well, the first one is that, sorry men, but research shows
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that women need more sleep than men.
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So if it seems like your wife is tired, all the time, are you
1:46
doing everything that you can in order to help with the sleep?
1:51
Because nobody can feel sexy if they're exhausted.
1:54
So what a lot of guys do who are smart, is they get up on both
2:00
weekday mornings and is rather weekend mornings with the kids
2:04
and allow her to sleep. And also they do over, you know,
2:09
they get up in the middle of the night when the child needs also.
2:12
Now, if a woman is more rested and she feels that the guy is on
2:16
her side and on her team and trying to protect her rest, then
2:19
she will frequently be more in the mood for romance and I don't
2:23
just mean sex. I mean smiling laughing
2:26
connecting sex to but everything, right?
2:30
Whereas when women are exhausted, they they are.
2:33
So tapped out that they cannot We imagine themselves as a
2:37
sexual person. So my first practical tip in
2:40
this regard of how to connect as a couple when you have small
2:42
kids is to make sure that the woman gets as much sleep as you
2:46
possibly can. If you snore, you got to fix it.
2:50
You got to go get a CPAP or you got to go sleep in another room
2:54
frequently sleeping in. Another room, will actually
2:56
increase your sex life because she's going to be able to sleep
2:59
through the night. So whether you have sex, and
3:01
then you leave, or you have sex in the morning, either way, if
3:05
your wife, if is coping with constant stress of not being
3:09
able to sleep because you are allowed, this is more common
3:12
than people think people have sleep apnea, that's untreated.
3:16
And this is like a major thing that women complain about in
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session. I know women get sleep apnea to
3:21
but men don't complain about it. They are.
3:23
Maybe the sleep apnea is better when you're physically smaller
3:26
person or maybe men just don't complain about it because they
3:28
sleep better. I don't know, either way women
3:31
complain about this in men, a lot so making sure that the
3:34
woman is getting Sleep is massive.
3:38
The next one is that if anybody has a fear of paid help
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sometimes when people are very, very anxious about kids, they
3:45
can go down this Rabbit Hole of thinking that every babysitter
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is a potential child molester. Something this is not reality
3:52
you know there are many babysitter's that you can find
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that are very nice people with many years of experience, many
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references, people have babysat for your friends, kids,
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whatever. It's very Hard to not have
4:06
family help but then also decide that you're not going to have
4:09
paid help. This means you can never go out
4:11
to dinner. This means you can never even
4:16
take a walk. Go to play a game tennis.
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Well whatever the hell you do you can never do it because you
4:22
can never leave little kids alone.
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Now you can use a babysitter judiciously you don't?
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I know everybody doesn't have a million dollars to spend for it,
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right? But these things, these people
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like twenty dollars an hour. So if you want to go do Think
4:36
outside the box, like by idea of taking a walk playing a game of
4:40
tennis doing fun, go bowling, it doesn't always, just have to be
4:46
dinner, you know? Sometimes women don't really
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even want to go to dinner because they feel that that will
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make them bloated and uncomfortable before they come
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home. And then, you know, they are not
4:55
in the mood then. So if this is, you explain that
4:58
to your husband, but anyhow, there's lots of things you could
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do with, even just two to three hours, but you can't do any of
5:04
them if you have. No.
5:05
Oh, supervision for your children during those times,
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okay, so if somebody is too anxious for paid help that
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anxiety and are linked to descriptors of Parental anxiety.
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And how you know that I write about this and how this can
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really limit families and really hurt children to, if somebody
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has a fear of leaving the kids, this kind of has to be examined
5:29
ASAP because this is a major issue and will really pretend
5:34
bad things for Future of the couple and remember the couple
5:39
needs to be the priority because the couple is the center around
5:43
this entire around, which this entire little family.
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Orbits, the kids orbit around the center of the happy close
5:52
couple. If the couple is not close, the
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whole family is at risk, right? I mean everybody does things so
6:01
that they, you know, all these good things for the kids, you
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know, you want the kids to be happy.
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Healthy enriched. But what about if you get
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divorced because you have not had a date night in three years
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and you haven't had sex in close to it then you get divorced and
6:15
then that's a lot of stress on the children.
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Of course it can be ameliorated and various ways but it is still
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a massive stressor for kids that it's so funny how people will do
6:27
every single thing for the kids, not focus on the couple.
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And I mean, funny in a sad way, not actually, haha funny but not
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think about, This means for the future of their children and
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their children's mental health. If the family is not able to
6:41
remain intact or if the children are constantly exposed to
6:45
fighting whether that's overt or covert kind of sniping because
6:49
the couple again does not feel close.
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All right, so what's another practical strategy?
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So we have make sure the woman gets enough sleep babysitting.
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What else you can do things after the kids, go to sleep.
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As long as it's not just sit on your butt and watched.
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Television. If you guys like sitting on your
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butt and watching television, you actually talked about the
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show's cool if it's interactive. But just sitting there whether
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it's television or on your individual phones is even worse
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and basically being in a coma State parallel to one another,
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but not engaging this wastes the little precious time that you
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have after bedtime. So maybe playing a board game.
7:29
Having a conversation. I can link you to my Hundred
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date night questions. That could be fun.
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Having I'm sort of a little snack or even saving dinner
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sometimes until when the kids go to sleep, anything that isn't or
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or a Home Project, some people like doing that like being next
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to each other, while they do some sort of thing, like, in the
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house, whatever it is. As long as you are, not sucked
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into separate, or even many times, the same electronic
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device or TV is good. However, an exception to that is
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really. If you can watch a movie or a TV
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show and then and really talk about it then.
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I mean I could link you to the show sex life actually wrote
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prompts for that. That people can discuss if you
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can discuss TV fine, but if you just watch it and then go to
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sleep silently, this is not fine anymore.
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This does not do anything for your closeness and connection
8:23
time. My next tip is that you should
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not be scared to have sex when your kids are in the house or
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awake. Now, some people with babies,
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obviously you're not going to leave a baby or a small toddler
8:39
unsupervised, although they do not app, that's the benefit of
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all of them, you know. I mean, they nap and then the
8:47
whole time that they're awake, you have to supervise them, but
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they sleep more. Whereas older kids do not nap
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but you don't have to supervise them.
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Second and fear for their life if you don't.
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So if you have children that are like three years old, they
9:02
should have a nap time, right. And if they don't have a nap
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time than they could have quiet time in their room and if all
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else fails, you can also give them screen time screen time
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should be saved for things that when you really need them to be
9:15
quiet, right? So as I mean, I'm not averse to
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giving children screen time when you need to should it be
9:22
constantly, certainly not. Should it be A judiciously.
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Yeah. And one of the important times
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to do, that would be so that you and your partner can be intimate
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as a couple, I can link you to the post.
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I wrote about how sex, a good sex life is important for your
9:37
whole family, including your kids, because again, it's the
9:40
glue that keeps the couple together so some people say,
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wouldn't that be mean to leave my four-year-old watching a
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movie. So I could go upstairs for a
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half an hour. No.
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Why would that be mean? I don't really even understand.
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I've had three four year old Different times and they love to
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watch movies and you know I mean that's great leave them there
10:00
watching whatever they want the same stuff that you don't
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usually like to watch. Anyway where you're sitting next
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to them on your phone they can watch that by themselves.
10:09
They don't need to have a snack during that half hour.
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They'll live everything's fine and then you can go upstairs.
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If it's a longer movie, stay upstairs for 45 minutes, dab
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stairs for an hour. They don't need you every
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second, right? The if you Have a 45 or
10:26
certainly older child. That will not stay and watch a
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movie alone for that amount of time.
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That is an issue. That's an issue with boundary
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setting because they're not learning to be independent,
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independent, people children can sit down and to be entertained
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without simultaneously. Having an adult for secondary
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entertainment, / servant duties, right?
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So you can certainly have sex during the day when your
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children are awake, as long as you think about it, Something
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that helps them in the long run. Are their parents going to be
10:59
happier? Yes, is the family likely or to
11:01
be, you know, close and connected when the mother and
11:06
father, feel close and connected.
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Yes. So it's certainly a good idea
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and a nap time to obviously to make it your business to be
11:14
intimate and to prioritize sex and physical connection.
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During those times, many women do not like to have sex at
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night, as I always say, because of exhaustion.
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And testosterone is at its lowest in the evening.
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Many women really do like to have sex in the afternoon, so if
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you can be together in the afternoon, this should come
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before any other things. Now, if you're a man and you
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said, yeah, that would be great. If at 1 p.m. we would have sex
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but she has to do laundry and she said she has to do this and
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she says, well how could we do that?
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I have too much to do. So think clearly, this is when
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you should say, I will do those things, I will do the laundry.
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I will do whatever. I will do those things.
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Me what to do? Write it down, I will do it.
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Don't worry, let's go upstairs. If you can do this then your
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wife will likely do it because she if she feels too overwhelmed
12:07
with stuff to do now, there are situations where somebody is
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extremely anxious. They always feel like they have
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too much to do. And nothing is going to help
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except working on their anxiety about that.
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But if you are in a different sort of situation where the
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woman feels overwhelmed, and she feels like she's the only one
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that does all of this stuff then do it.
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Do the stuff, right? Then what can she be?
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About it is not true that the for the majority of people that
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they will always find something wrong.
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Many people say this about their spouse, but they've never
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actually tried to make the spouse fully happy in the way
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that the spouse request. So this goes both ways.
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There's many women that say, oh no amount of sex will be enough
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and I say, well what amount have you tried in there like two to
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three times a week? And he still says it's not
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enough. Well yeah, because he still
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thinks it's not enough, right? So if you're the kind of man on
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the other side, we said Said I try to help with the chores, and
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she still says, it's not enough. What do you do?
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Well, sometimes I throw in a load of laundry.
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I always drive the kids to school and this time last week I
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vacuum. Well, yeah, like no shit.
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You're not doing enough just like I'm sure she's not doing
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enough for you and other areas what you can do to make somebody
13:21
do more for you, is do more for them, which is an obvious truth
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that people understand in, you know, the boardroom and with
13:30
friends but they How fail to understand it with an intimate
13:32
relationships. So, the next time, that one p.m.
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rolls around or your child decides to watch something on
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television, that is very appealing to them.
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And you say, let's go upstairs and your spouse says, no,
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because I have to do the dishes and then I have to get ready for
13:49
the playdate tomorrow and then I have to order something from
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instacart. You say I will do those things.
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I promise I will do those things, write them down but our
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child is only watching. The show right now.
14:01
So let's go upstairs. And then actually do the stuff.
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If you don't do the stuff, you're never going to get laid
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again. Obviously, nor do you deserve to
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could you? That would have been a fake
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promise. So that is my other suggestion.
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It's really two suggestions. This last one, make use of the
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children's awake time just as you try to do with their sleep
14:21
time. Hopefully so don't discount the
14:23
awake time. Certainly, don't get insane
14:26
about whether or not they spend a couple of moments alone.
14:29
The snowflake will not Die. If they watch a movie by
14:32
themselves. And if your spouse is
14:36
overwhelmed to the point that they always feel like they have
14:38
housework to do during these moments that the child is
14:41
napping or watching TV, do it do that stuff.
14:46
Men are a lot happier when they're doing more housework and
14:48
getting laid more than we're then when they're doing less
14:51
housework and getting laid less, and for all of them and who do
14:54
more housework than their wives and believe me.
14:57
There are many, I see a lot of them in couples counseling, It's
15:01
you know, I'm not talking to you.
15:03
I'm talking to the other ones who don't do as much as their
15:06
wives and the situation, okay? And so what is my last tip?
15:11
My last tip is to try to be fun and spontaneous it's goes back
15:15
to my romance podcast. You could listen to that ways,
15:19
to be more romantic. The ways to find couple time,
15:23
none of them matter, if your spouse does not feel
15:25
romantically connected to you because they don't want couple
15:28
time. So, the way to make More couple
15:31
time. And to make two people that are
15:33
motivated to make couple time is to make little cute romantic
15:38
gestures during the week and that serves as a motional
15:43
foreplay and then your partner will actually want to be closer
15:47
to you. So this is little notes, like,
15:50
getting flowers, maybe not, doesn't have to be so expensive,
15:54
getting their favorite candy bar.
15:56
When you're at the grocery store, a text message about how
15:58
attractive they are and how much you Of them, any little thing if
16:03
you are doing things like this on the regular, then your spouse
16:06
is likely going to want to brainstorm with you ways to be
16:10
more connected and will probably want to execute on my tips.
16:14
Otherwise, you're going to send them this podcast and they are
16:17
going to think. Oh, couple time.
16:20
I know what that means. That means he wants to get laid.
16:23
Well, maybe if he was nicer, then we wouldn't have this
16:27
problem because, you know, it's usually not a Time problem.
16:30
Sorry. To tell anybody, it's usually
16:32
not a Time problem, because even if you were glued to your
16:36
children, they do at some point fall asleep and you would be
16:40
able to be being romantic in some way.
16:42
If you were both motivated to at the same motivation level
16:47
frequently, one person is less motivated than the other.
16:50
And that is the one with the lower sex / Romance Drive, who
16:53
feels more tapped out and more burdened by the demands of the
16:56
children. So as we're discussing be more
17:00
romantic. Antic.
17:01
Make sure that the woman gets more sleep schedule a babysitter
17:06
to come, right? Make use of your time without
17:11
the children, even when they're awake in the house, get away
17:14
from them, get a lock on the door, get away from them.
17:17
Nobody is traumatized by the fact that Mommy and Daddy have a
17:20
door closed. This doesn't happen.
17:22
You know, what traumatizes children abuse neglect, marital
17:26
conflict, you know, the kind of marital conflict that people
17:28
have when they never connect, you know, they know, Having
17:31
marital conflict and that ends up, traumatizing the kids.
17:33
Sure. What does not traumatize?
17:36
Loved healthy. Secure children is to adults
17:39
that go into a room and say we'll be out in 10 minutes.
17:43
See you soon, we love you. That does not traumatize a child
17:47
if your child is traumatized by that, then there has been a lot
17:51
of teaching that we are together constantly all the time in a
17:55
codependent way. That really does not provide the
17:59
scaffolding that a child would need.
18:00
Need to be an independent human. Who can tolerate short amount of
18:06
alone time? Particularly not even fully
18:09
alone when you're in the same house and they have some sort of
18:11
entertainment going, all right, please give me other topic ideas
18:17
and I'm happy to make these. I just got a fan email from
18:21
somebody who said that my podcast or making his marriage
18:24
better. Great.
18:25
Thank you. And please sign up and subscribe
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so that you Get my bonus content as well.
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And I am glad to be talking to you and to be helping you and
18:39
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you are benefiting from these podcasts and from my blog in
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general. All right guys, have a great
18:49
day. Bye.