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Overwhelm, Excuses, and What to Do When You Want to Quit · #BeMoreLobster

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just exhausting to keep starting over.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually damaging your self-concept as a businesswoman.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: You see, commitment doesn't happen in the decision, it happens in action.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: But when you keep the door ajar to old behaviors, your brain jumps on the option to opt out.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it'll give you a ton of acceptable reasons, but have no doubt they are nothing more than well-dressed excuses.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And every single time you opt out, you reinforce your limiting beliefs.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: You reconfirm the identity that has created the results that you have now, the results that you actually want to change.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm talking about why you keep getting stuck in the start-stop cycle, what makes it so exhausting, and how you can break it today.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're ready, you know what to do.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Grab your brew.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dive right in.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the opt-out happens because somewhere in your brain you've made it an option.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's available to you to opt out.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: You made your commitment conditional.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It means it sounds something like this.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you might not be even aware that you're doing it, but I'll do it when I've got the energy.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it when I've got the support of my partner, my friends.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it when I can execute a perfectly planned schedule.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it when I feel aligned, when I get that gut feeling, when the moon is full, like whatever it is.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So the minute that you feel tired, or somebody challenges your actions or your beliefs, or your schedule gets disrupted, or you're feeling a little bit low, you step out, you back down.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a really common way that this shows up, and I see it over and again, is when women tell me, well, I had a wobble.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And those wobbles tend to be periods of time where emotions are running particularly high, things feel more tough than they normally do.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly what they're telling themselves is that everything's going wrong, nothing is working.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: There becomes a very blanket statement that covers sometimes not just their business, but their entire life, like nothing's working.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And when I talk to people about this, there are some very common things that they'll say.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So the model that they're running, to the circumstances their business, or the wobble that they're having, and they're telling themselves things like, Well, it's because I'm not good enough.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: This shouldn't be happening at this stage.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I should be over this by now.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Other people aren't having this experience.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just evidence that I'm not going to make it, like I'm not made out for this.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to take too long.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've left it too late.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the more that you say those things over and over again in your head, the more proof and evidence you'll just keep getting that, yeah, sure, you're right.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And your in your brain will just keep offering you more and more and more.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're running that model of those thoughts, the feelings that tend to come up are intense.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: We get frustration, upset, overwhelm.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps there's anger and exhaustion, all coming from what you made the wobble mean.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, on top of that, and what makes this even worse is that when we have these wobbles, the first put of call is often to check out because you're telling yourself, or your brain's telling you, that it's because you're doing these hard things is why you feel so crap.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the easiest way to get out of feeling crap is to stop doing the hard things, and now we're back to ground zero again.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when we're in that moment, I want you to notice that the very first thing that's happening is resistance to the actual current experience.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: The resistance to the current experience is coming only because you are giving it meaning that something has gone wrong.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not even so much, this is my personal professional experience, it's not even so much that people are saying, like, it's the emotion, I shouldn't be having the emotion.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: The emotion's not comfortable, they know that, but it's because they're making it mean that something is wrong, that things aren't working.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So we're in resistance to what is, and now we're putting self-judgment on top of it.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're judging ourselves for having the experience.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Then we might judge ourselves for stepping out or backing down or not being good enough, and we get stuck in the resistance self-judgment loop, and it's very, very hard to break with the same level of thinking that you're having over and over again.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, because we're talking about running a model, model goes circumstance, thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you do when you're running this model of having a wobble of stepping out of your commitment?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes nothing.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You just down tools and you walk away.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: But not in a resource thought, let me just take a deep breath kind of way and come back to it as in, well, F you, like you're gonna make this hard, mm-mm, I'm checking out, right?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: We have this, it's like I'm gonna just justify my behaviour of stepping away.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you do take action, but you half-ass it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, in terms of your operational field and your coherence, like you're not really in it, you're just doing it for the sake of doing it.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the result of that is that you fall back into old unresourceful behaviors, old identities.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you quit again, maybe you start over, and now we're back in this stop-start loop.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: You made your commitment conditional, you made your commitment reliant on how you felt, and that's what keeps you in that resistance and self-judgment cycle, which keeps you in the exhaustion.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you've got to bank yourself up again in order to generate an element of belief and desire to start over again, but now you're dragging another lot of judgment with you, another lot of times with like, oh my god, I'm starting over.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I want you to see from that is that your commitment has to be unconditional.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You'll do it even when you're tired, you'll do it even when you're uncertain of the results, you'll do it even when somebody says, What are you doing that for?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You'll do it even when you have a full moon and a period on the same week.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And in order to support yourself doing that, you're going to schedule that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I tell my clients, schedule around your cycle.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you know that it has an impact, schedule around your cycle, schedule around the full moon.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not kidding.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Use it for you instead of using it against you.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Stop using it as a way to check out and use it as a way to dial in on your unique way of building your own business.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Find things to say to yourself that when you're tired, that you do it anyway, but make sure that you're eating properly and getting the sleep and working out the best time of day for you.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, here in the UK, it is like the surface of the sun hot.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I have to work out really early in the morning, otherwise, I'm literally just gonna melt.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I could use it as an excuse not to do it because I am actually not gonna work out in 35 degree heat, not gonna happen.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of saying, okay, I'll take the week off, I just get up and I get outside and I'm working out for 6:30 a.m.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So when you make your commitment unconditional, you will adapt and mould your schedule and your support around that commitment, not the other way around.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And to finish up today, I want to give you just a couple of simple steps to get you into this space of staying committed.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So that if and when, I should actually just say when, because we all have wobbles, it's part of being human.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is another thing that I see so many business owners telling me is that they feel like they should feel great all the time.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably like the biggest lie you're telling yourself.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're feeling great all the time, then you're probably not pushing yourself hard enough, you're probably not getting yourself into enough certainty, into enough growth stretch.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want to remind you that sometimes that oftentimes the wobbles are just evidence that you are stretching into a whole new identity and it's supposed to feel scary.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing that I want you to do in that, I'm gonna give you like I think I've written down three things here.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one is that I want you to just accept your current experience because in the acceptance you delete the resistance.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: The resistance is the real issue.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can accept it and not like it, you can accept it and know that you're not gonna stay here, you can accept it without judgment.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's just this is just what is.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: The reason that you won't accept is because of the judgment, because of the meaning that you give it.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So acceptance means not making it mean anything other than this is just is.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need right now?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: What can I learn?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's my next best step?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, number one is acceptance, and you do not move until you are in a space of acceptance.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is, I want you to focus on facts, not feelings.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain will lie, your body never lies.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're having feelings, it's because your brain is offering you up a thought that doesn't make you feel good.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like this shouldn't be happening to me.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I should be over this by now.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm never gonna make it, I'm absolutely useless.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Any other story that your brain offers you.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: The feelings are coming from a non-fact in these circumstances that your brain's giving you, and then that's when people tend to blanket.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, everything's going wrong, nothing is working, I'm never gonna make it, right?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So we do we we we call it like we we universally quantify it by making it an all or nothing thing.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So get to the facts.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: What is actually not working right now?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you won't even know how to answer that question.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I said to you, you're having these feelings of what's not working, you'd be like, Well, that's that happens to clients, they can't answer the question.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So answer the question: what are the facts?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: What's not working?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: What specifically is the issue here?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you said to me the specific issue is I feel like crap, okay, can you just feel like crap and do it anyway?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stop giving it so much weight.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because the more weight you give a thought, the more important your brain thinks it is.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if your brain thinks it's important, it's gonna keep dishing you up evidence to support it.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third thing, and I got this from one of my clients, is she said every time you get stuck in your own head, it means you're not thinking about your clients.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So the quickest way to get out of your own head is to think about how do your clients need you to serve them?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: What do they need to hear from you?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: How do they need you to be?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Go back into a place of service.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't an opportunity for you to suppress what your experience is, to negate your experience, to tell yourself off for having the experience.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we start with acceptance.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having this experience.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is safe to have this experience.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm allowing this experience to move through me.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: You are not dumbing it down, you are not berating yourself for having it.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: But once you've got the facts, not the feelings, the next thing is let me think about my clients.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let me think about the next best thing that can happen now.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this takes time, okay?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can start the practice today, and maybe at first you can hold the acceptance for five seconds, and then maybe the acceptance will disappear and you'll go into resistance.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's an improvement because tomorrow you can do it for ten seconds, and then maybe tomorrow you can do it for ten seconds, and then ten seconds, and then ten seconds.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest thing in your business is your willingness to be patient and to keep practicing these embodied states about understanding what you give meaning to, about deciding to create new meaning, about recognizing that the business your business success is completely and utterly correlated with your level of commitment to impro in to transforming your identity.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, if you have a wobble in that moment, you've got to decide if you're committed or not.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: If there is any opt-out in your brain, if there's any door open, your brain will dish you up all reasons why it's okay to check out.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are managing your energy and you're setting yourself up with the space and the support and the schedule and the standards that honour your commitment, you won't opt out.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: You'll double down, you'll do the thing in the emotion, and you will grow in that space.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is the kind of work I do with my one-to-one clients and inside my group program, Inevitable.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to know more about those, make sure you're following me on social media, drop me a DM, and we'll have a conversation.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And until then, I will speak to you in the next episode of the Be My Lobster podcast.