Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Can't Recognize Your Anxiety

Transcript

When You Can't Recognize Your Anxiety · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about when you
• 0:11
  cannot recognize your anxiety. And this is a common issue of
• 0:16
  people that I work with who are extremely worried and tense all
• 0:20
  the time, but they just don't identify as anxious.
• 0:24
  And this can be very frustrating to Partners, you know, or adult
• 0:27
  children or actual children, but they don't know why they're
• 0:31
  upset. They just know that the parent
• 0:33
  is really difficult and worried and stressed.
• 0:35
  But you know, when they're older as when they say my mother has
• 0:38
  anxiety but won't deal with it or whatever.
• 0:42
  Okay. And before that please do
• 0:43
  subscribe, I have great subscriber only episodes coming
• 0:47
  out and all the time, the most recent one was whether never
• 0:51
  fall asleep, angry is good advice or not.
• 0:54
  So please do subscribe, follow me on YouTube, follow me on
• 0:57
  Tick. Tock follow me, everywhere that
• 0:58
  I am and do join my Facebook group to.
• 1:01
  All right, so let me read you. You for the hell of it.
• 1:06
  What the you know, the criteria are the DSM criteria for
• 1:11
  generalized anxiety disorder, which is the sort of anxiety
• 1:14
  where you're just worried all the time.
• 1:16
  So do you feel like this? So let's let's look one the
• 1:19
  presence of excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of
• 1:23
  topics events or activities worry.
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  Occurs more often than not for at least six months, and is
• 1:29
  clearly. Excessive, of course, in this
• 1:31
  case, the person doesn't see, it's clearly excessive, but, you
• 1:34
  know, just kind of It's in your head as you go.
• 1:36
  The worry is experienced as very challenging to control.
• 1:40
  The worry May easily shift from one topic to another.
• 1:44
  These are the same criteria for adults, and kids, by the way,
• 1:48
  the anxiety and worry are accompanied by at least three of
• 1:51
  the following physical, or cognitive symptoms.
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  And in children only, you only need one of these symptoms
• 1:57
  listen to the symptoms. See if this is like you edginess
• 1:59
  or restlessness tiring, easily impaired concentration or
• 2:04
  feeling like you're Mind goes blank irritability which may or
• 2:08
  may not be observable to others depending on how tight a lid.
• 2:11
  You keep on yourself increase muscle, aches or soreness, and
• 2:15
  difficulty sleeping. So there's a lot of people who
• 2:19
  see those or hear those and say, wow.
• 2:21
  Like I have a lot of those but you know, I don't have anxiety,
• 2:24
  I have. And then here's like some things
• 2:26
  that people say I have a completely normal response to a
• 2:29
  pandemic or I am fine, it's just that my partner doesn't help
• 2:34
  enough and that's I am so anxious all the time or so
• 2:37
  tense, or in our society women are expected to do too much.
• 2:44
  And that is why I have all of those symptoms.
• 2:46
  Listen everybody, you know was in a pandemic, you know, most
• 2:51
  Partners, you know, or annoying at some time or another, I mean,
• 2:56
  and our society is, you know, our society.
• 2:58
  That's what we're in. But even within that they're
• 3:01
  not, everybody feels like this. Not everybody has those some
• 3:05
  Sometimes now here's some other ones that are not in the DSM.
• 3:08
  Does your partner think that you're really anxious as your
• 3:11
  partner consistently? Tell you that the things that
• 3:13
  you're thinking about aren't going to happen and are
• 3:15
  irrational? Do you write that off as them
• 3:17
  being invalidating? But in reality, if you think
• 3:20
  about it, maybe some of your shit is irrational.
• 3:23
  How about this? Do you have parents that are
• 3:25
  really anxious? Or they paranoid about people's
• 3:27
  intentions? Did they raise you not to trust
• 3:30
  other people, or to fear the world.
• 3:32
  Are they obsessed with health and/or, safety?
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  Because That genetics are important.
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  There's about 30 percent of anxiety is passed down.
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  Has a genetic component and the rest is environment, you know,
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  and so, for most people, they were raised by the same people
• 3:47
  who gave them their genetic anxiety.
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  So, I mean, there are two for two and if you were raised in a
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  household where people were very scared of the world and scared
• 3:57
  of death and danger, with seemed to lurk around every corner,
• 4:01
  then it's real hard not to come out with anxiety yourself.
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  There's something called the diathesis-stress model of mental
• 4:08
  illness, which I've touched on before.
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  But what it means is that if you have a predisposition through
• 4:13
  genetics or environment to a certain disorder and then you
• 4:15
  have a big stressor then the, the predisposition manifests as
• 4:20
  the disorder. So let's say your parents were
• 4:22
  really anxious and you were always able to just Slough it
• 4:25
  off and just keep on moving and you did not, you know, yourself,
• 4:29
  really let yourself be constricted or constrained by
• 4:31
  their anxiety after you left the house etcetera and Then you had
• 4:36
  a big stressor such as you had a baby that's a big stressor, a
• 4:41
  hormonal change, as well as something really, evolutionarily
• 4:44
  to be worried about or a huge job change or something.
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  Unpredictable happened outside of your control, like you got
• 4:50
  really sick, so then this is your stress.
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  So that's when your underlying predisposition toward anxiety
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  can come out. And then it's easily seen as
• 4:58
  anxiety by everybody else, but you don't identify that way.
• 5:03
  If you are constantly feeling like you have a million things
• 5:08
  to do, you're so edgy and Restless you run around
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  constantly, but you can't get anything done.
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  You're talking really fast. You see that when you engage
• 5:15
  with your partner, they seem stressed out by your intensity.
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  Do people really say that your type A that really fucking ought
• 5:24
  to be on there? You know, because like there's
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  type A and then there's the people who are told that their
• 5:28
  type A and like if a bunch of people are telling you that your
• 5:31
  type A like, it's Leave a either mean that you're anxious or
• 5:34
  you're an asshole or both, you know.
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  And so I think about that, you know, I mean, because there's
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  plenty of people who are type A, but like everybody in the world
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  doesn't like have to comment on it.
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  So usually, especially with women.
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  It means that you're anxious, you know, and you could be like,
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  but I'm not anxious because now that I think about it, I make
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  the entire my entire environment perfect, and since I'm able to
• 5:58
  make my entire environment, exactly what I want, and my
• 6:00
  routine is perfect and I get up exactly an hour and 18 minutes
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  before I need to do this or do that and everything is exactly
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  how I need it because I do that then I'm not anxious.
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  Well guess what though then you're still anxious because how
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  do you act when something happens outside your control?
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  Another big clue that you're actually anxious.
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  Is people think you're controlling a lot of controlling
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  people are not narcissistic or self-involved but rather just
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  highly highly anxious and they do not know how to stop the
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  anxiety without completely trying to control their
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  environment and only wear in their environment is completely.
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  Lately control. Do they think that, you know,
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  that things are okay, but when their environment has even a
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  little bit of. So, for example, let me give you
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  an example. So let's say that you are
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  somebody. Who, let's say, you're divorced
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  your ex-husband thought that you were anxious, but you thought he
• 6:52
  was a fucking asshole, so fuck him, right?
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  We're not listening to him, then you get back on the dating
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  market and you don't really meet anybody that you like finally
• 7:00
  do. And this person Seems great
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  except that this person doesn't like to plan.
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  Well shit. Now you really like them.
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  But they don't like to plan and you get very anxious.
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  What does it mean that they don't like to plan?
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  What about next week? What about Monday?
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  What about Tuesday? What are we going to be doing on
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  Wednesday? How often are we going to want
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  to see each other? What is the game plan for
• 7:19
  everything? And listen, women have lots of
• 7:21
  friends, right? And anxiety, manifests more in
• 7:25
  women. So I'm just thinking two women
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  on this. Women have, lots of friends
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  friends are very loving and supportive and so friends aren't
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  really going to call you out on being like, All the anger
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  micromanaging or being like, excessive some will close closer
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  ones, but it's really possible for a woman to get through her
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  whole life. Just being number one performer
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  super perfectionistic over function or overachiever by the
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  way, over function overachiever goes along with this.
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  And I never until she's in an intimate relationship.
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  Does anybody say anxious? And then since he's the only one
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  that says it or says you are controlling or micromanaging or
• 7:59
  whatever difficult then she thinks it's his Problem.
• 8:03
  Listen, nobody is nobody's Partners 100% wrong.
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  Your partner, observes, you all the time.
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  Unless there's some kind of sociopath that we're in some
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  kind of Lifetime movie where there are like plotting your
• 8:15
  demise and they're like some complete psycho which isn't, you
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  know, going to happen. Then the things that people
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  think about, you generally are related to Something in the
• 8:25
  world about you, you know, they're generally related to
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  some sort of true observation about who you are and And I
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  mean, you certainly think that your observations about an
• 8:35
  intimate partner or correct, right?
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  So I mean it's just a typically likely that they would be right
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  about you as well. So in this situation and I see
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  the situation frequently, let's say go back to this divorced
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  woman, she doesn't have to be divorced, but my situation,
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  let's say she's divorced. Cause a lot of women coming to
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  me who were divorced. And so, she felt pretty good
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  when she could control every single thing about her and her
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  kids environment, she didn't feel anxious at all.
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  But then, when this guy comes in and he doesn't like to plan as
• 9:02
  much as she Does then she gets very anxious, doesn't see it as
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  anxious has some sort of excuse like, oh well you know, he's a
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  child only like adults, don't want to any adult would want to
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  plan for the future and like just all this stuff that comes
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  out because she's really, really anxious.
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  Now, I'm the first person to say, if you're you're dating
• 9:20
  some guy, he doesn't talk about marriage, you know, sooner than
• 9:23
  later. If you're like after divorce.
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  And you don't know at all where he stands then, that's some
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  bullshit, and don't be in that relationship.
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  But that's not what I'm talking about.
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  I'm Talking about somebody who is only okay when they are in
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  charge of the whole schedule. And they get very triggered
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  though, when anybody else is in any way, unpredictable or can't
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  be controlled or can't that were doesn't want to fit into their
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  highly, specialized plans. This is a common one.
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  Another common thing that I see is that women stay married.
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  They don't they control every single thing around them.
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  They are the master of Google. Under they do every single
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  thing. They constantly talk about how
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  wonderful they are for doing all of this stuff and then the
• 10:09
  children Rebel, and or at least the one that isn't like them
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  rebelled and says, you were basically, you're always up my
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  ass. Leave me alone.
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  You never give me any downtime, you are so crazy.
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  This happens, more like adolescent age and then finally,
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  they'll come into therapy and they'll be like, why does my
• 10:27
  child dislike me? And then we're like, well shit,
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  you know, they had 47 million activity.
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  From the time, they were two and a half at the latest and maybe
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  this could be related in some way to your anxiety, you know?
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  Or you don't let them have sleepovers or you, don't let
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  them date or you don't let them this.
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  You don't let them that we actually nowadays.
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  Interestingly it's funny. Anxious people will sometimes go
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  the complete other way anxious mothers and they will let the
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  kid do everything because they are so terrified that the child
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  will be estranged from them. So, in fact, they become
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  permissive parents overly permissive, and unable to
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  discipline, because They are terrified that the child will
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  hate them. So again what is this Terror?
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  It's called anxiety. So go back to the beginning of
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  the podcast, listen to the symptoms, you know, if these
• 11:13
  sound like you what's the point in putting your head in the
• 11:15
  sand. You probably got feedback over
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  the years that if you look at it in a different lens, a little
• 11:21
  bit straighter in the face than you may realize is people
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  telling you that you're anxious type, A overly organized,
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  micromanaging controlling, you know, anxious sometimes Will
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  literally be called anxious, but they'll be like, I'm not fucking
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  agent. Anxiety is a normal reaction to
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  the state of the world. Anxiety is not a normal reaction
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  to the state of the world, you know?
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  I mean like the state of the world is uniform across humans
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  or, you know, at least across all the humans in your
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  demographic with people. Another important.
• 11:51
  Interesting point is like, goes to like so sometimes people say,
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  but all of my friends are consumed with anxiety, worry and
• 11:58
  sleeplessness. It's like, you know, shit all
• 12:01
  the people at Cirque du Ale know how to do acrobatics, you know,
• 12:05
  I've either it's so selected here.
• 12:07
  So if you are at a play group and you make some comment about,
• 12:11
  and this is true, you know, going a time machine back to
• 12:14
  when you're meeting people at playgroup, right?
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  And your baby. And if you're the one who says,
• 12:19
  oh my God, I'm so anxious that she's not talking yet out of the
• 12:22
  three women sitting there at playgroup.
• 12:25
  The one who responds. Oh my God, I'm so anxious about
• 12:28
  such and such is going to be your friend, this is just how it
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  goes. So like goes to I can with the
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  men and women or women and women are men and men with mating.
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  It's called assortative mating. Which I've mentioned before, but
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  it's the same thing. With Frank chips is even more
• 12:42
  friends. Go to similar people.
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  So, yeah, your whole friend group may be anxious.
• 12:47
  I mean, if you think about it is that wrong, you know, a lot of
• 12:50
  people be like, oh, yeah. Well you know, mmm, yep, yep,
• 12:54
  everybody kind of tends in One Direction or at least me and my
• 12:57
  best friend, do or me? And my sister or me, and my mom
• 13:01
  or whoever the person is that I talked to the most and we a each
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  other up in this way. So think about it, if it's you
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  because the thing is with anxiety, is this really easily
• 13:11
  passed down as I talked about. So it's passed down to you.
• 13:14
  So it's going to be passed down to your kids and it's really not
• 13:16
  a way to live, as you know, from your sleepless nights, your
• 13:19
  muscle aches and whatever other symptoms you crossed off, you
• 13:23
  know, that you have. So I was raised in a very
• 13:26
  anxious, hold myself. So this is kind of like my pet
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  cause is helping people recognize when their anxieties
• 13:31
  hurting the kids. Cause it ends up constricting
• 13:34
  them and it ends up making them feel like the world is a very
• 13:37
  dangerous place with people who are ill intention and they
• 13:39
  always have to watch their back and that's really a shitty way
• 13:44
  to grow up and it's a shitty way to think about the world and it
• 13:48
  really Cuts you off from people. It makes it hard for children.
• 13:53
  Raised in such households to really connect with others.
• 13:56
  It impacts your ability to trust others within relationships.
• 14:00
  It impacts everything. It even impact your, you are
• 14:05
  academic and job potential. Because you end up so risk
• 14:10
  averse that you don't know how to take healthy risks and
• 14:13
  frequently dad to her on the other end of this who are
• 14:15
  married to. There's they have kids and
• 14:17
  they're married to women who are anxious.
• 14:18
  This is their number one thing. So I've talked about reasons
• 14:21
  that men get divorced men don't usually initiate divorce.
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  But when they do, you know, the other reason I only say it 1
• 14:27
  million times since they're not having sex but the other one is
• 14:30
  because the woman's really anxious and it's Early, when the
• 14:34
  kids get old enough which is maybe only even toddlers.
• 14:38
  But certainly after that that the man is like holy shit.
• 14:41
  She doesn't let the kids do anything, you know.
• 14:43
  And so I see this a lot like she doesn't let the kids climb high
• 14:46
  or she doesn't let the kids go anywhere because they're going
• 14:48
  to get sick or this that the other.
• 14:51
  And so the man starts to feel like almost if he doesn't get
• 14:54
  out of the marriage, then the kids are going to be raised like
• 14:56
  Hothouse flowers and they will have no risk tolerance at all
• 15:00
  and no ability to engage in the world.
• 15:02
  In courageous, forget courageous, I mean, in kind of a
• 15:06
  normal way. So if I rarely say anymore to
• 15:14
  share my podcasts with your partner because as I've
• 15:16
  mentioned, people start doing that too much, then I got people
• 15:20
  saying my partner doesn't want to hear anymore your fucking
• 15:22
  podcast which like I so don't, you know, I mean, I'm not for
• 15:25
  everybody. But, you know, there there are
• 15:28
  some that, you know, could be useful to share.
• 15:33
  Early. If it's like it, here's your new
• 15:36
  rule, only share my stuff if it's literally like either,
• 15:39
  you're going to go to couples counseling.
• 15:40
  You're like have that like almost scheduled you're like
• 15:43
  almost there or maybe they'll be some sort of epiphany from
• 15:46
  listening to my podcast or both. So like if you're already at
• 15:50
  kind of a do-or-die moment and you're already feeling very
• 15:55
  upset about an issue then why not share my podcast, right?
• 15:59
  Because really, why not? You're going to be either going
• 16:02
  to Couples counseling or even potentially ending a
• 16:05
  relationship or at the very least, it's leading to
• 16:07
  tremendous conflict, which is not very least, that's very bad.
• 16:10
  So, in those situations where you feel like this is a really a
• 16:14
  topic that's already causing a lot of conflict anywhere in
• 16:17
  that. You feel very very strongly
• 16:19
  about then share it. So for some people, it would be
• 16:21
  this one where you really want a partner to think about how
• 16:24
  anxious they are. Now, with men anxiety, manifest
• 16:27
  slightly differently, they're not usually as obsessed with the
• 16:29
  children and health and safety, but they can be obsessed about
• 16:32
  The things they could have social anxiety, they could get
• 16:35
  very closed off, kind of like Hermits.
• 16:38
  They could get extremely worried about money.
• 16:40
  They're logging into all the accounts all the time and
• 16:43
  looking at them and and worrying about the future of the family,
• 16:46
  even though the they are financially secure.
• 16:49
  But then they get like really Frugal and crazy about spending
• 16:53
  because they're so anxious. They can sometimes especially in
• 16:57
  today's climate of equal parenting here.
• 17:00
  Get really anxious about the kids they can but But I don't
• 17:03
  see it as much but they do get anxious.
• 17:06
  They get anxious about Job performance.
• 17:08
  The like never be late, never miss anything, be obsessed with
• 17:10
  how they're perceived at work. So there's different ways that
• 17:13
  men can be anxious so think about those two but really those
• 17:17
  are the original criteria that I read or gender neutral so that
• 17:20
  could be for a man or a woman and or for a child.
• 17:23
  I mean you may think of have heard that and be like holy holy
• 17:26
  shit. That's my kid and that case.
• 17:29
  And in all cases anxiety is very responsive to that.
• 17:32
  Basic cognitive behavioral therapy or really to any therapy
• 17:35
  that has exposure component in it.
• 17:38
  I've had podcast and post about exposure therapy.
• 17:40
  It means confronting your fears even, imagine Ali, even in your
• 17:43
  mind. And so basically, any sort of
• 17:46
  therapy that involves openly discussing your fears and being
• 17:49
  helped to, to confront them, whether that's even just in your
• 17:53
  imagination or verbally or in reality is going to be useful.
• 17:58
  So anyhow, hope this was helpful and I hope that at least out of
• 18:02
  All of my listeners one person is like holy shit.
• 18:06
  I really may be anxious. I thought that I might be pushed
• 18:09
  it out of Consciousness, but now I am going to seek help because
• 18:13
  I do not deserve to live that way and my children don't
• 18:15
  deserve to have an anxious parent.
• 18:16
  So, if that happens to one person that's wonderful and I
• 18:19
  will talk to everybody soon, have a great day.