Latest / Mom Gone Mild / Rainbows and Butterflies

Transcript

Rainbows and Butterflies · Mom Gone Mild

• 0:00
  Trigger warning in this episode I do talk openly about anxiety,
• 0:04
  depression, pregnancy loss, postpartum anxiety, and
• 0:08
  intrusive odds. If these topics are sensitive or
• 0:12
  triggering for you, please listen with care and know it's
• 0:15
  OK to step away or skip this episode completely.
• 0:18
  Your mental health matters. Hey guys, and happy New Year.
• 0:37
  Welcome back to Mom Gone Mild. I'm your host Lex, and I just
• 0:43
  want to say thank you guys so much for listening and I hope
• 0:46
  that you enjoyed your holidays with all your loved ones.
• 0:50
  And as we step into this new chapter, a lot of you have been
• 0:53
  asking me about my journey, my pregnancy journey, my birthing
• 0:57
  story, things like that. So I just want to be honest and
• 1:01
  real and open because honestly if I share this and it helps one
• 1:05
  person, then this whole podcast is worth it.
• 1:08
  Remember, not everyone's journey to motherhood is the same and
• 1:11
  that's OK. Motherhood isn't A1 size fits
• 1:13
  all. It's not directions that are
• 1:16
  given to you. We grow up.
• 1:17
  Being taught the perfection is something to aim for.
• 1:20
  But real life just doesn't work like that.
• 1:22
  It's not an aesthetically pleasing photo.
• 1:25
  There's tons of tears, doubt, waiting, prayers, you know,
• 1:29
  strength, loss, unfortunately love that comes from that.
• 1:33
  And you know, everyone's story is beautiful and different and
• 1:36
  that's what makes life, you know, worth living.
• 1:41
  So before we do get into this episode, I do want to say it's
• 1:44
  not as light hearted and funny as the other ones because life
• 1:48
  isn't always funny and lights, not always rainbows and
• 1:51
  butterflies. But as I've mentioned before,
• 1:54
  I've struggled with anxiety and depression pretty much my entire
• 1:57
  life. It really intensified when I
• 2:00
  started, unfortunately, using recreational drugs.
• 2:03
  No, I'm not proud of the person I was at that time.
• 2:08
  I was awful. I lost a lot of friends.
• 2:10
  I was pretty much thinking that I was having fun, but it really
• 2:14
  turned destructive. I've lost a part of myself I'm
• 2:17
  still trying to find. Yeah.
• 2:19
  So if you were my friend back then, I do apologize again.
• 2:22
  I feel like I always apologize for that.
• 2:24
  But, you know, can never hear more than once.
• 2:27
  We're all human. We make mistakes and after a
• 2:31
  relationship before my husband, I hit one of the lowest points
• 2:35
  of my life. And no, this is not a dig to the
• 2:39
  person I was with before because I honestly think that we go
• 2:42
  through like trials and just tribulations before we really
• 2:47
  end up on the road that we're meant to be.
• 2:50
  It just, you know, wasn't the right person, wasn't the right
• 2:53
  time. But I'm so thankful that I went
• 2:55
  through everything that I went through in my past to be able
• 2:58
  to, you know, really enjoy and grow into this person that I'm
• 3:02
  becoming. So full transparency, I was
• 3:04
  really low when I first started dating my husband, Randy.
• 3:07
  And I need to say this out loud because I never really tell him,
• 3:11
  but he's an incredible human. Never once did he make me feel
• 3:14
  crazy. Although trust me, I did go
• 3:16
  crazy for a while. Never once did he make me feel
• 3:19
  unworthy of love. Even if I didn't have self love,
• 3:22
  never once did he make me feel like he'd give up on me.
• 3:26
  Although I've given up on myself way before he came along, I
• 3:30
  carried a deep sadness once I started realizing how much
• 3:33
  unresolved trauma I had. And no, this is not to relive
• 3:36
  the trauma, that's not the point.
• 3:38
  But I'm here to talk about how I overcame it and how it came back
• 3:42
  in a completely different way after becoming a mom.
• 3:45
  Before anything else, I want to say we we all have our own
• 3:48
  battles, we all cope differently.
• 3:50
  But please don't keep things to yourself, especially when you're
• 3:54
  in a dark place. There's always someone to talk
• 3:56
  to, you always reach out. And honestly, don't be so harsh
• 4:00
  on other people either. Don't be judgmental.
• 4:02
  You don't know what they're going through.
• 4:04
  Little back story, a little history and physical on me.
• 4:08
  So a few years ago I had an ovarian cyst rupture that
• 4:12
  required emergency surgery. I also was just diagnosed with
• 4:16
  PCOS and then I had an ovary removed.
• 4:20
  So I was already told that my chances of getting pregnant were
• 4:23
  really low. My husband and I, we kind of
• 4:26
  went into marriage with the mindset of, well, if it happens,
• 4:30
  it happens. And right after we got married,
• 4:32
  we went on a beautiful Hawaiian honeymoon.
• 4:35
  I know, super cliche, but it was awesome to be honest.
• 4:38
  And like most newlyweds, yes we definitely enjoy that honeymoon
• 4:42
  suite. And when we got home, well a few
• 4:45
  weeks later we got a surprise. The pregnancy test was positive
• 4:49
  and I had never felt this kind of happiness before in my life.
• 4:53
  So overjoyed. I felt like everything I had
• 4:55
  been through led me to this moment.
• 4:57
  We were over the moon, we only told close family since it was
• 5:01
  still pretty early on. Then one morning everything
• 5:06
  changed. I just woke up really sick.
• 5:09
  I was in unbearable pain, you know, physically, emotionally,
• 5:13
  everything. I felt drained.
• 5:15
  So we went to the ER found out after hours that it was an
• 5:19
  ectopic pregnancy. Also, I do want to let you know
• 5:21
  if you do go to the ER for this, you will be waiting a long time.
• 5:24
  You won't get admitted. You basically get home, sent
• 5:28
  home with Tylenol and sorry. And it's no diss at the
• 5:32
  healthcare system. I'm a nurse, I get it.
• 5:34
  What would you really do for me? But maybe a little bit more
• 5:37
  sympathy would have been nice. So instead of celebrating and
• 5:41
  sharing our joy with the world, we were grieving a loss I
• 5:45
  wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was devastated, to say the
• 5:48
  least. It was a heartbreak.
• 5:50
  It was. I was heartbroken, and it's
• 5:52
  something I don't wish on anybody.
• 5:55
  You saw so clearly and suddenly it just felt like it was taken.
• 5:58
  All at once. Life felt like it stopped.
• 6:00
  But of course, life never truly stops, does it?
• 6:03
  Time keeps moving and even when your world feels like it's at a
• 6:07
  standstill, it's not with the help of family, friends,
• 6:11
  especially my husband who again was there for me even on the
• 6:15
  days I couldn't talk. He simply was just there,
• 6:18
  holding my hand, holding me, hugging me.
• 6:21
  This is why they honestly say it matters who you build your life
• 6:24
  with, because the right partner and right time doesn't.
• 6:27
  It just they don't love you only through the good times, but
• 6:31
  they'll sit with you through the dark times and they'll be there
• 6:33
  for you. Eventually.
• 6:35
  We made the decision to stop trying.
• 6:38
  I felt really fragile, almost like too broken to even think
• 6:42
  about going through that pain again.
• 6:44
  So I shifted my focus. I poured myself into my career,
• 6:47
  landed my dream job, and for the first time in what felt like a
• 6:51
  really long time, I felt stable again.
• 6:53
  We told ourselves if it's just us the rest of our lives, that's
• 6:57
  enough. I had a career I dreamed of.
• 7:00
  We were financially secure. We decided we travel, love our
• 7:04
  pups, enjoy life together and just breathe.
• 7:08
  We haven't done that in a really long time.
• 7:10
  And then it happened. It truly happened when we least
• 7:14
  expected it. And this isn't everyone's story.
• 7:17
  I know we were incredibly blessed.
• 7:19
  So what I thought was the flu turned out to be our little
• 7:21
  miracle, our rainbow baby Axel. The tests showed positive and I
• 7:28
  didn't believe it. So I took six more tests just to
• 7:31
  be sure each one said the same thing, positive.
• 7:34
  I was so hopeful what I secretly prayed for every night came
• 7:38
  true. Anyway, so we go to the doctor.
• 7:41
  There was a heartbeat. Also, can we talk about like,
• 7:44
  the time you find out that you're pregnant and the
• 7:47
  ultrasound? There's so much time in between.
• 7:49
  I get it. You can't hear a heartbeat.
• 7:51
  You can't, you know, know a lot of things about the pregnancy
• 7:54
  right away. But Dang, it feels like forever.
• 7:57
  But there was his heartbeat, his perfect rhythm.
• 8:00
  I cried during that appointment. I thought it was just not in the
• 8:05
  cards for us. That pregnancy was hard, though.
• 8:08
  I struggled, struggled with my blood sugar, struggled with my
• 8:13
  blood pressure. I swear anything like you could
• 8:17
  have during pregnancy, I swear I had it.
• 8:20
  I had Kovid again, I was told at 22 weeks that I would have to be
• 8:24
  on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy because he was
• 8:27
  going to come early. I got steroids to, you know,
• 8:30
  strengthen his lungs. It was, it was pretty messy.
• 8:34
  I was in and out of the OB department.
• 8:36
  We were so close. Admission didn't even need to
• 8:39
  get my information anymore at this point.
• 8:42
  But to be honest, it was nice because I knew all the nurses
• 8:44
  when I went to Labor Delivery and, you know, post.
• 8:48
  So in comes actually his little dramatic entrance surprise.
• 8:54
  It was an emergency C-section three weeks early, which was
• 8:57
  much better than, I don't know, 20 something weeks early, right?
• 9:02
  So my husband had gone home for the night because we were told
• 9:07
  that you can go home to take our puppies because I'd be in labor
• 9:11
  from 24 to 48 hours. And it was just not happening
• 9:14
  anytime soon. But I get a call from my doctor.
• 9:16
  She says that my blood pressure was up the wall.
• 9:19
  And yeah, she was coming in to do an emergency C-section at
• 9:23
  midnight. So that was fun.
• 9:26
  And when I tell you it was like an episode of Not an Episode,
• 9:32
  the movie Father of the Bride, it literally was.
• 9:35
  So he was racing down to the hospital.
• 9:38
  He barely made it on time. It was a whole scenario so he
• 9:44
  made it just on time. After the epidural I had a full
• 9:47
  blown panic attack. I couldn't move anything except
• 9:50
  my head and I was convinced I needed to escape the operating
• 9:53
  room, which is funny now because I was literally paralyzed.
• 9:59
  I threatened to throw myself off the table.
• 10:01
  They had to freaking sedate me. My doctor finally said we have
• 10:05
  to put her under. That was the last thing I heard.
• 10:07
  I freaked out thinking I'd missed the whole thing.
• 10:10
  And to be honest, I'm kind of glad that I did because I don't
• 10:12
  think my anxiety can handle like them opening me up and then
• 10:16
  seeing everything and then I know they put the curtain up.
• 10:19
  But yeah, anyways, and my husband said that he was so
• 10:23
  confused when he entered the room because they make the
• 10:26
  husband wait outside till you know, you're ready.
• 10:29
  And then he says that I was snoring the whole time, which is
• 10:33
  kind of funny but honestly good thing he missed that entire show
• 10:37
  too because next thing I know I'm waking up from the best snap
• 10:41
  I've ever had in my life and I hear a cry.
• 10:43
  Oh my gosh, it's his cry. For a second I thought, is this
• 10:46
  even real? And then they placed this
• 10:49
  perfect little baby next to my head.
• 10:52
  Oh my God, she was so cute. And let me tell you, when you
• 10:56
  are about to give birth, you picture this whole you have like
• 11:00
  a birthing plan and you know, you have all these things and
• 11:03
  this was so far off of my birthing plan that I couldn't
• 11:07
  even make it up. I thought I was gonna get my
• 11:11
  lashes done. I thought I was gonna have my
• 11:12
  makeup and hair done. I looked like I was bald, like I
• 11:16
  had literally gone through World War 2.
• 11:19
  But anyways, the point was we did it.
• 11:22
  We had this perfect baby boy, 10 fingers, 10 toes, two eyes and a
• 11:26
  perfect face. Postpartum anxiety kicked in.
• 11:31
  And this is the part that no one really talks about.
• 11:34
  I feel it's actually been more normalized now.
• 11:37
  You hear about it, but you don't really know about it until you
• 11:40
  go through it. So the anxiety comes back into
• 11:45
  my life. It was almost immediately,
• 11:47
  actually, it was before that because I just had a panic
• 11:50
  attack through the whole thing. But yeah, the anxiety literally
• 11:55
  kicked in as soon as he came out.
• 11:58
  I didn't sleep at all that first night.
• 12:00
  I was literally up watching that little boy breathing.
• 12:04
  I through the pregnancy I was constantly watching videos on
• 12:07
  TikTok talking about SIDS, talking about like just all the
• 12:11
  worst things that can happen. The things that came to my mind
• 12:15
  were so wild. The scenarios I made-up in my
• 12:17
  head. Jeez.
• 12:19
  I still haven't had a solid 8 hours of sleep since he's been
• 12:23
  born but honestly I just couldn't shut my mind off.
• 12:27
  Also let me talk about when people say pregnancy tired is
• 12:30
  better than newborn tired. Respectfully, I disagree.
• 12:34
  I had terrible backing feet that were the size of a watermelon,
• 12:37
  carpal tunnel that I couldn't even hold a pen and still
• 12:40
  receive better sleep than newborn sleep.
• 12:42
  I'm finally feeling like since he's getting older almost he's
• 12:46
  five months now. It's been getting better but
• 12:50
  don't believe it. Anyways, my mind wouldn't shut
• 12:53
  off and for the first time I remembered why.
• 12:56
  I used to drink because these feelings are unbearable.
• 13:00
  Instead of enjoying my newborn I felt tormented with intrusive
• 13:04
  thoughts, things that were so far fetched.
• 13:07
  I started feeling like I was literally going crazy.
• 13:09
  I would be up for days, receive 0 sleep and it was just really
• 13:14
  bad. It has gotten better though.
• 13:16
  I'm back on my medication, I have a new therapist, but I
• 13:19
  still have moments. I cry, I grieve for who I used
• 13:22
  to be sometimes and I don't always know how to explain it.
• 13:26
  I just feel sad. I feel guilty because he's
• 13:29
  everything I've ever wanted and I still miss miss who I was
• 13:33
  before. And that's just the reality for
• 13:35
  some of us. And that's okay.
• 13:37
  People ask me how I deal with depression and anxiety as a new
• 13:41
  mom. Well here's the truth.
• 13:43
  I deal with it every day, day by day.
• 13:46
  Some days I get up feeling so good, so energized.
• 13:49
  Other days I feel sluggish. I just want to stay in bed all
• 13:52
  day and be in PJS. Some days I don't shower, but as
• 13:57
  long as he's OK, I feel like my day.
• 14:01
  Has I? I accomplished something for my
• 14:04
  day. This isn't something that
• 14:05
  magically disappears even though you're on medication.
• 14:09
  It doesn't just go away. But now I talk about it.
• 14:12
  I asked for help. I tell my husband.
• 14:14
  I let family step in, which was really hard for me at first.
• 14:18
  I did not want anyone to help me.
• 14:20
  I literally was like, it's just me.
• 14:22
  It's just me. It's just me and my husband.
• 14:24
  But you really do need that, like, support that village that
• 14:28
  they talk about. And I remind myself, helpless, I
• 14:31
  am to have Axel, my miracle baby.
• 14:34
  This is something I carry with me every day and I feel like I'm
• 14:38
  going to carry it my whole life. But I remember how much I love
• 14:41
  my son, how much my life has grown, how much we would miss if
• 14:46
  I let the darkness win. If you're still listening,
• 14:50
  Which? Thank you so much for holding
• 14:53
  space with me today. I know this episode was heavier
• 14:56
  than usual, but it's also important for me to be real with
• 14:59
  you. This new year.
• 15:00
  I promised myself to be more vulnerable, open, honest.
• 15:04
  I grew up wanting to pretend everything was perfect.
• 15:07
  I'd put up a front because just deep down, I'm not.
• 15:12
  But we get through it. We get through all the highs and
• 15:14
  the lows just like everyone else.
• 15:17
  I'm making goals this year, trying to achieve them, to be a
• 15:19
  better mom, wife, friend, daughter, all of the above.
• 15:24
  Hoping to be a better version of me.
• 15:26
  Another goal is to lose all my pregnancy weight and then some.
• 15:30
  But yeah, that's a whole that can be a whole episode.
• 15:35
  Yeah. So I wanted to share this
• 15:39
  because if anything I shared felt familiar.
• 15:42
  If it's through something in you, please, no.
• 15:44
  You're not alone. You're not feeling, you're not
• 15:47
  weak, you're not broken. You're human.
• 15:50
  Give yourself grace tonight. Step away from the noise, hug
• 15:54
  your baby a little tighter, or just take a deep breath for
• 15:56
  yourself. And if you need help, please
• 15:59
  reach out to your partner, friend, a family member, a
• 16:01
  professional. You deserve support just as much
• 16:04
  as anyone else. If I deserve it, you deserve it.
• 16:08
  Thank you for letting me be open and vulnerable here.
• 16:10
  The space exists so we don't have to carry these things along
• 16:15
  and alone. So yeah, that actually felt like
• 16:18
  a therapy session without the high copay.
• 16:22
  And yes, I did steal that line off of ChatGPT.
• 16:26
  But no, literally, I am so grateful that I can do this
• 16:31
  podcast and you know, people reaching out to me and just it's
• 16:36
  just been amazing. So like always, let's do this
• 16:39
  same time, same place next week. And thank you so much for
• 16:42
  sitting with me today. I promise we'll get back to some
• 16:46
  lighter, more fun content next week, but for now, I hope you
• 16:50
  take something from this, even if it's just knowing you're not
• 16:53
  alone. And as always, follow me on
• 16:56
  Instagram at Momgonemild under score Podcast because honestly,
• 17:01
  you never know what trouble we'll get into over there.
• 17:03
  My DMS are always open and I will become more active.
• 17:07
  I just feel like sometimes I don't really know what to post.
• 17:12
  So I have an amazing week. Remember, be gentle with
• 17:15
  yourself and I'll talk to you soon.