Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 160. Constantly Misunderstood: “Why Does She Always Make Me the Bad Guy?”

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160. Constantly Misunderstood: “Why Does She Always Make Me the Bad Guy?” · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: it won't be too much. Bring it in.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome to our bestie segment. Girl, my girl, this is
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  Speaker 3: the place for you.
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  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to a bestie Advice and of
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  Speaker 1: my favorite times of the week where we get to
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  Speaker 1: answer one of your anonymous submissions with you in a
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  Speaker 1: sticky situation or maybe you need some best advice. It
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  Speaker 1: is raw, it is unfiltered, and we're gonna get s
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  Speaker 1: right into it absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: A close friend of mine has now twice spoken to
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  Speaker 3: me in a way that made me feel like I
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  Speaker 3: was the bad person when I wasn't trying to be.
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  Speaker 3: The most recent time, I was actually being kind and reassuring,
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  Speaker 3: and I told her something along the lines of it's fine,
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  Speaker 3: no stress, it's totally up to you. Let's just move
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  Speaker 3: on from it. But she turned it back on me,
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  Speaker 3: saying I would never speak to my customers like that.
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  Speaker 3: That really hurt because I've apologized, I've tried to take accountability,
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  Speaker 3: and I've always approached things with a kindness. Instead of
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  Speaker 3: meeting me there, she twisted my words and made me
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  Speaker 3: feel like I was rude and intimidating. This is the
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  Speaker 3: second time this has happened, and I'm starting to think
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  Speaker 3: she genuinely sees me that way, which feels so far
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  Speaker 3: from who I really am. If that's the case, then
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if I want somebody like that in
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  Speaker 3: my life. My true friends know my heart and I
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  Speaker 3: don't want to keep defending myself to somebody who doesn't.
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  Speaker 3: Has anyone else been through something similar where a friendship
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  Speaker 3: makes you feel constantly misunderstood or misrepresented, how did you
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  Speaker 3: handle it? I do want to forgive her, so if
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  Speaker 3: she does apologize, I'm really torn if I should let
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  Speaker 3: her back in again.
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  Speaker 2: Ooh, what do you think about this?
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  Speaker 3: I hear you on that, and I think it can
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  Speaker 3: be really challenging when you're confronted with these kind of things. However,
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  Speaker 3: there's something that you said in this that said, that's
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  Speaker 3: not what I'm like, And maybe it's coach Tiana coming out.
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  Speaker 3: YEA coach Tiana is literally saying like, because you think
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  Speaker 3: that you're not that, it's likely that there are ways
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  Speaker 3: that you are showing up as that. And I say
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  Speaker 3: that with so much love, like I'm saying this with
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  Speaker 3: the most neutral perspective grounded coming from such a loving place.
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  Speaker 3: Because I'm going to challenge you on this, it might
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  Speaker 3: be true that there was an undertone of resentment or
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  Speaker 3: anger or frustration if you were constantly always trying to
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  Speaker 3: be the nice person when you don't actually feel like that.
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  Speaker 3: This is probably not what you were expecting with this,
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  Speaker 3: But I really think this is really important because this
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  Speaker 3: is actually what's going to heal your relationships.
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  Speaker 2: There's a level of.
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  Speaker 3: Accountability here of Okay, asking that person, how did I
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  Speaker 3: come across? Get curious about it? You can even ask
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  Speaker 3: this person, Okay, how did it feel for you when
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  Speaker 3: I received that or when you received me saying that
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  Speaker 3: in that way? Can you tell me what you saw
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  Speaker 3: when I showed up that way? This is going to
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  Speaker 3: teach you more about yourself, more about parts of yourself,
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  Speaker 3: so that you can then step into control and go okay, cool,
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  Speaker 3: Well next time I get to show up like this.
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  Speaker 3: And something that I want to bring to you is
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  Speaker 3: you may have responded in a really kind way in
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  Speaker 3: that moment or thought. You may have, but if there's
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  Speaker 3: an undercurrent of anger there, it seems out in really
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  Speaker 3: unproductive ways, and it usually is either in our tone
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  Speaker 3: the way that we say it, the way that we
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  Speaker 3: project that word, or how quickly we have to get
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  Speaker 3: those words out to say it. So just offering you
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  Speaker 3: a different perspective. I'm not saying that any of this
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  Speaker 3: is true. You will know if this is true. But
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  Speaker 3: I think when people we love bring things to us
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  Speaker 3: like this, it's always an opportunity for us to be
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  Speaker 3: a better friend, partner, lover, coworker, whatever, because when we
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  Speaker 3: take on constructive feedback like that, we're showing them, hey,
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  Speaker 3: I'm a really safe person for you.
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  Speaker 2: I'm listening. Yeah, I'm listening.
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  Speaker 3: I hear you, and fuck, I'm so sorry for doing that.
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  Speaker 3: And you've also said like you've taken accountability for it,
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  Speaker 3: so you don't need to overly explain or overly compensate.
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  Speaker 3: Now you've said sorry once, you don't have to do
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  Speaker 3: it again. It's totally okay. And also if this doesn't
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  Speaker 3: feel true for you too, that's also okay. You can
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  Speaker 3: leave it too.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, beautiful, I've got nothing out of that. That's beautiful
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  Speaker 1: for that was No, it's perfect. It's a really cool perspective.
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  Speaker 1: But I think she would have expected.
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  Speaker 3: You to say that, yes, And I feel like you
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  Speaker 3: may be resistant to hearing it. Yes, so I just
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  Speaker 3: want to let you know, Yeah, I see you. And also,
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  Speaker 3: we are very quick to cut people out of our
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  Speaker 3: life when they, you know, reflect back to us. But
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  Speaker 3: accountability is everything when it comes to friendships. And if
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  Speaker 3: you have a willingness to grow, maybe that person might
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  Speaker 3: meet you there and I quld be totally off the mark,
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  Speaker 3: and that person could just be dismissing you and misrepresenting
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  Speaker 3: you and be committed to misunderstanding you. But this can
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  Speaker 3: also be true too, and if you're willing to explore
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  Speaker 3: this regardless, you will have better friendships.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, because even if it's not true, at least you've
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  Speaker 1: explored that, gotten curious, taken accountability, made her feel safe,
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  Speaker 1: and if she continues to show up like that, then
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  Speaker 1: you've got your evidence and you can walk away from
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  Speaker 1: the friendship going well, I actually tried everything.
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  Speaker 2: I took full accountability.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, she wasn't prepared to meet me there, and she
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  Speaker 1: continued to project this stuff onto me. You can walk
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  Speaker 1: away knowing that it's not the friendship for you, Yes,
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  Speaker 1: but really you're still like questioning it. Maybe that is
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  Speaker 1: within you, that's like, oh, this has part me too,
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  Speaker 1: because it does take two to ten go a lot
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  Speaker 1: of time.
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  Speaker 2: Yes it does.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to think it does it, So no
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  Speaker 1: blame like point the finger, blame someone else.
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  Speaker 2: Think that we're all innocent, and I would never do that.
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  Speaker 1: I would never say that, but like, we're all capable
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  Speaker 1: of everything, absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: And you know the reason why I say this is
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  Speaker 3: maybe because it comes from personal experience, like I have
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  Speaker 3: been in your shoes, and I think maybe that's why
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  Speaker 3: I can see it. I could be wrong again, I
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  Speaker 3: could be assuming.
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  Speaker 2: You let me know.
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  Speaker 3: But I've been the person who thought I was so
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  Speaker 3: nice and so kind and so caring, but I was
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  Speaker 3: full of fucking rage. I was full of anger, and
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  Speaker 3: I had so much resentment towards everybody, and I was
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  Speaker 3: passive aggressive. I was passive aggressive in the way that
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  Speaker 3: I showed up and how I spoke to people. And
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  Speaker 3: you know, even though I thought it was nice, it
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  Speaker 3: wasn't coming off that way because I wasn't looking at
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  Speaker 3: my anger. I wasn't looking at what was underneath, and
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  Speaker 3: I really suppressed my voice of what I really wanted
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  Speaker 3: to say.
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  Speaker 2: So what made you start to allow that anger to
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  Speaker 2: come up?
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  Speaker 3: Like?
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  Speaker 2: How did you work through that?
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  Speaker 1: And was there a moment you were like, oh, fuck,
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  Speaker 1: I can totally see that I'm being a passive aggressive
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  Speaker 1: Tatiana right now.
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  Speaker 3: Oh. When I first started to acknowledge it, I felt
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  Speaker 3: a lot of shame for it. Yeah, because I was like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: oh my god, these people are gonna judge me and
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  Speaker 3: leave me and never loved me every again.
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  Speaker 2: O would they loved me from?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Why would they love me? Oh my god?
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  Speaker 3: Literally the first thought was oh my god, abandonment. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: But in saying that, it was uncomfortable to sit with,
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  Speaker 3: and so I did what I just suggested, which is
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  Speaker 3: go to that person. Hey, this is uncomfortable for me,
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  Speaker 3: but can you tell me a little bit about how
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  Speaker 3: that felt to receive what I said to you? Because
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  Speaker 3: I don't see it that way? Can you tell me?
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  Speaker 2: Can you show me?
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  Speaker 1: So you just wanted with curiosity, wanting to learn, yes,
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  Speaker 1: and then when they gave you feedback where you're like, choke.
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  Speaker 3: Hold it, and then was willing in that moment, Okay, cool,
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to take accountability for this because I want
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  Speaker 3: to be a good friend. And then in terms of
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  Speaker 3: the question you asked me of like how to process
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  Speaker 3: the anger, I started to allow myself to feel my
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  Speaker 3: anger in the moment, you know, like when I was
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  Speaker 3: angry about something, I'm like, oh so annoying, or like,
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  Speaker 3: oh my god, I really pissed off right now, and
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  Speaker 3: just give myself permission to feel it in the moment.
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  Speaker 3: But what really helped me was screaming.
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  Speaker 2: In the car.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, honestly, this was such a game changer for me
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  Speaker 3: because mostly I always had somebody at home, you know,
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  Speaker 3: so when I was younger, I couldn't do that. But
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  Speaker 3: when I was in the car, I was in this
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  Speaker 3: safe little bubble, and I would just put loud music
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  Speaker 3: on and I would scream until I had nothing left.
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  Speaker 3: And all of these judgments are going to come up.
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  Speaker 3: By the way, you're gonna be like, this is fucking stupid.
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  Speaker 3: I don't have time for.
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  Speaker 2: This, sees me ridiculous.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, all of your self judgments are going to come up.
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  Speaker 3: But after a little while you'll notice it.
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  Speaker 2: You'll start to.
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  Speaker 3: Feel a lot more calm, So that even hitting the pillow,
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  Speaker 3: screaming into the pillow at home, allowing that pent up
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  Speaker 3: anger to come out, and then just start expressing your
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  Speaker 3: anger in the moment, and you'll stop feeling so scared
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  Speaker 3: of it.
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  Speaker 2: That's really cool life. We're done. Come back. That went
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  Speaker 2: on a tangent.
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  Speaker 3: No, I know that it's definitely not what you were
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  Speaker 3: expecting to hear, but.
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  Speaker 1: We'd love to hear from you. How did that feel
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  Speaker 1: to receive that advice? Does that feel true for you?
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  Speaker 1: Is it something you'd like Go and have a conversation.
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  Speaker 2: We would love and.
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  Speaker 1: Updates, so please bring in absolutely Thanks for joining us.
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  Speaker 2: Bye,