Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 204. 5 Loves Languages: How to Utilise them in friendships/relationships/kids & co-workers

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204. 5 Loves Languages: How to Utilise them in friendships/relationships/kids & co-workers · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apodjay Production.
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Speaker 2: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashi and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment.
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Speaker 3: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
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Speaker 3: authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 4: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises Ashly in Tiana
0:34
Speaker 2: Wednesday episode. Today, we're going to be talking all about
0:37
Speaker 2: love languages. This is something we have spoken about briefly
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Speaker 2: on the podcast before. You might have heard little bits
0:42
Speaker 2: and pieces, but we still get quite a few dms
0:44
Speaker 2: asking us to do a full episode.
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Speaker 1: What are they?
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Speaker 2: How to incorporate them, why do we have them there?
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Speaker 2: How they shop in our relationships? So, well, let's talk
0:52
Speaker 2: about it today.
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Speaker 4: Let's talk about it.
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Speaker 2: So, first of all, what are the five love languages?
0:57
Speaker 2: So love languages are a way that you give and
0:59
Speaker 2: receive love. And there's normally like one or two driving
1:02
Speaker 2: ones that you like the most, but in reality we
1:04
Speaker 2: like all of them. But you'll find there's one or
1:06
Speaker 2: two particular ones that they're like, oh, makes me feel
1:09
Speaker 2: so loved when that person does XYZ. So there's physical
1:12
Speaker 2: touch it's an obvious one. Lots of kettles and kisses, intimacy,
1:16
Speaker 2: even if it's like driving, hand on the lap, holding hands,
1:19
Speaker 2: it'll brush up the neck, kisses on the forehead, it's
1:21
Speaker 2: like being touched. There's gifts, obvious buying gifts that's like
1:26
Speaker 2: surprises or just like yeah, food one flowers. There is
1:32
Speaker 2: words of affirmations, so that's like talking to a job.
1:35
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. Oh my gosh, you look
1:37
Speaker 1: so beautiful.
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Speaker 4: My gosh, I love you. I believe in you.
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Speaker 3: Well you do coroll with that. You're just the smartest
1:41
Speaker 3: person I've ever met in my life.
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Speaker 2: Little text message appreciate you, Yeah, like you killed it today.
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Speaker 3: It just like words, I love words, I appreciate you.
1:48
Speaker 2: There's acts of service, so people doing something for you.
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Speaker 3: So it could be doing the dishes for you, out
1:55
Speaker 3: tiding the house while you're away, or while you're.
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Speaker 2: Out feet go to the shops, getting the groceries.
2:00
Speaker 4: Picking something up on the way home for you.
2:02
Speaker 2: Husband goes and feels your car up. Just like the
2:04
Speaker 2: act of going to do a service. That makes your
2:06
Speaker 2: life easier.
2:07
Speaker 3: Yes.
2:08
Speaker 2: And then there is quality time, which is an obvious
2:11
Speaker 2: one as well. So just like spending quality intentional present time,
2:15
Speaker 2: phones are away, eye contact. Yeah, doing something that's just
2:18
Speaker 2: YouTube together that you can really connect on that deeper level,
2:21
Speaker 2: not just passing ships at home or at work.
2:23
Speaker 1: It's like actual quality plugged into Yeah.
2:26
Speaker 3: This is not just like spending time side by side
2:28
Speaker 3: while doing separate things.
2:29
Speaker 4: Yes, this is intentional.
2:31
Speaker 3: Nothing is in the way, no distractions, no, nothing, You're
2:33
Speaker 3: having actually plugged in time.
2:35
Speaker 2: Yeah. I don't know if this is true, but I
2:36
Speaker 2: have heard that whatever you were starved off as a
2:38
Speaker 2: kid will be your prominent love language as an adult. Interesting,
2:42
Speaker 2: I personally do think it's true. It might not be,
2:43
Speaker 2: but I do think it's true because your love languages
2:46
Speaker 2: can change over time too. And I've seen and witnessed
2:49
Speaker 2: and felt mind change and Steve's change depending on what
2:52
Speaker 2: season in life we're at and whether we're nailing one.
2:55
Speaker 2: Like for example, mine was always acts as service because
2:59
Speaker 2: my parents didn't really do much for me. I always
3:01
Speaker 2: had to walk everywhere. They didn't really help with homeworks
3:03
Speaker 2: they were both working, had to like get lifts off
3:05
Speaker 2: my friends and I felt like they just weren't there
3:07
Speaker 2: to do things for me. They provided a home and
3:10
Speaker 2: you did the best they could. So when anyone does
3:12
Speaker 2: anything for me, I just'm like, oh my gosh, I
3:14
Speaker 2: feel so love like they had time to do that,
3:16
Speaker 2: or like they did that even caring. Even if I
3:19
Speaker 2: asked my parents to do something, it was just like
3:20
Speaker 2: the biggest burden. So that was always mine. And then
3:23
Speaker 2: when I got pregnant with Tala, Steve just stepped up
3:27
Speaker 2: and did everything because I was a bit more sick,
3:28
Speaker 2: a bit more tired. I wasn't getting much sleep at night,
3:30
Speaker 2: and he just did everything. So that kind of went away.
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Speaker 2: I was like, that's getting fulfilled now. Now it's physical touch,
3:36
Speaker 2: and I wanted more touch, and his was the opposite,
3:38
Speaker 2: was always physical touch.
3:40
Speaker 1: And then he had kids. You should see him at
3:41
Speaker 1: night time. He's it on the couch.
3:43
Speaker 2: Both kids are wanting to be on him, Taco frizzy,
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Speaker 2: everyone's wanting him huddles from him. So it's not his
3:50
Speaker 2: main love language anymore because he almost gets a bit
3:52
Speaker 2: touched out sometimes because everyone wants his cuddles. He's just
3:56
Speaker 2: like a safe, calm energy that I think everyone, even
3:58
Speaker 2: animals are very drawn to too gravitate too, so it's
4:01
Speaker 2: interesting to see.
4:02
Speaker 1: How it changes.
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Speaker 2: But only recently I've acknowledged that there isn't just too
4:06
Speaker 2: like I actually really enjoy all of them.
4:08
Speaker 1: I love when you praise me.
4:09
Speaker 2: I love when you bring me home flowers just on
4:11
Speaker 2: a random day.
4:12
Speaker 1: I love the quality time. I love a gift.
4:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, all of it. And it's not bad to want
4:18
Speaker 2: and enjoy all of them. But what you'll notice is
4:21
Speaker 2: you will give love in the way that you want
4:23
Speaker 2: to receive it.
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Speaker 4: Absolutely so.
4:24
Speaker 2: I remember Tony Robins saying one of his events that
4:27
Speaker 2: you'll hear like, say a husband or a wife just
4:28
Speaker 2: be like I do everything for them, like everything, but
4:32
Speaker 2: it's like you've done everything you think they want, but
4:34
Speaker 2: not what they actually want.
4:35
Speaker 4: Yeah.
4:36
Speaker 1: So for man's it's like I.
4:37
Speaker 2: Take out the garbage and I do the dishes, and
4:39
Speaker 2: I do all these things. It's like, Okay, you're nailing
4:41
Speaker 2: access service, but have you actually plugged it in her
4:42
Speaker 2: quality time? If that's her love language, she's not going
4:45
Speaker 2: to feel loved.
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Speaker 3: Or have you given her any physical touch in the
4:47
Speaker 3: way that she needs and and craves it. But then
4:49
Speaker 3: you've done all these things, and she's not receiving the
4:52
Speaker 3: love and the way that you're giving it and the
4:53
Speaker 3: effort that you're actually pouring in simply because she's not
4:56
Speaker 3: receiving it as love.
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Speaker 4: She's receiving it as you just doing something for her.
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Speaker 3: Virtually, it doesn't hit the love language in the way
5:02
Speaker 3: that physical touch would. Yeah, so like you could do
5:05
Speaker 3: month's worth of doing things for her, but like one
5:07
Speaker 3: month worth of physical touch, little grabs on the bumb
5:10
Speaker 3: like game to brushes, you know, on the neck, or
5:12
Speaker 3: kisses on the face and things like that would fill
5:14
Speaker 3: her cup up so much more than the other stuff.
5:16
Speaker 2: Yes, since that's really important to checking what it is,
5:18
Speaker 2: because otherwise you'll just do it's natural for you. And
5:21
Speaker 2: it is a lot easier for couples if you both
5:24
Speaker 2: have the same love language because you have to think
5:26
Speaker 2: about it. It's unconscious. If you've both got physical touch, boom,
5:29
Speaker 2: you're both in and actually do that. But if one's
5:31
Speaker 2: words and one's physical touch, you actually have to be
5:33
Speaker 2: very conscious to put active time and effort into fulfilling
5:37
Speaker 2: that love language.
5:37
Speaker 4: That can be really challenging.
5:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, I had my previous relationship was like that, where
5:42
Speaker 3: my love language was physical touch and words of affirmation,
5:45
Speaker 3: and his was acts of service quality time. So for him,
5:51
Speaker 3: he would give acts of service and quality time, but
5:54
Speaker 3: then wouldn't be so big on the physical touch, whereas
5:56
Speaker 3: the physical touch was like my number one. And then
5:59
Speaker 3: I felt like so deprived of all of those. But
6:01
Speaker 3: he was like, but I do all these and then
6:02
Speaker 3: I'm here and I'm doing all these things and like
6:04
Speaker 3: I'm press and then we spend quality time together.
6:06
Speaker 4: I'm like, yeah, but you're not you.
6:08
Speaker 3: Know, you're not touching me, not cuddling me, you're not
6:10
Speaker 3: like giving me that five minutes a couple time before bed,
6:12
Speaker 3: and it just like it was really missed, like effort
6:15
Speaker 3: didn't feel matched.
6:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
6:17
Speaker 3: So it's really easy to like misconstrue the way that
6:20
Speaker 3: your partner is doing things for you because it's just
6:22
Speaker 3: not received in a way that you see it as love.
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Speaker 2: And it can be frustrating, if that's how I want
6:26
Speaker 2: to talk about it, because if you don't understand these,
6:28
Speaker 2: you'll feel like you're banging your head against the wall
6:30
Speaker 2: because you're like, I'm trying so hard, it's never going
6:32
Speaker 2: to be good enough. But actually, if you just check
6:34
Speaker 2: in what they actually need and want. And I said
6:37
Speaker 2: this on a previous episode because Steve and I've been
6:39
Speaker 2: talking about all five of them, and he's said, I
6:41
Speaker 2: really want to improve on doing all five of them,
6:42
Speaker 2: not just the one that you say is your favorite.
6:44
Speaker 4: Yeah, why can't I do all of them? Yes?
6:46
Speaker 2: And I reflected to him, like, how can I do
6:48
Speaker 2: all of five for him? It doesn't have to be
6:50
Speaker 2: every day of every week, but like often as you
6:52
Speaker 2: can think about those little things you can do. It's
6:55
Speaker 2: like even this is the other day, Sebro, I love
6:57
Speaker 2: you on a little note down.
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Speaker 1: On my desk.
6:58
Speaker 4: I know, I was so cute.
6:59
Speaker 2: We're taking them two seconds, but like made my whole day. Yeah,
7:01
Speaker 2: so cute little things, little little micro moments consist only
7:05
Speaker 2: will keep your relationship consistently more connected, and they'll feel
7:08
Speaker 2: love from you.
7:08
Speaker 4: Yeah.
7:09
Speaker 2: Why are you in a relationship to feel loved, to
7:10
Speaker 2: feel supported, to feel held, Yeah, to get surprised, to
7:13
Speaker 2: like experience life and make that beautiful together. It's not
7:17
Speaker 2: just the intimate relationships. It's your friends too, yeah, and
7:19
Speaker 2: your coworkers. It is what your kids do, it is.
7:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, it shows up in all different areas and
7:24
Speaker 3: it's also it's because it's humans.
7:26
Speaker 4: You're dealing with humans, You're dealing with a relationship point,
7:29
Speaker 4: you know what I mean.
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Speaker 3: Like it's like we only really look at love languages
7:32
Speaker 3: in our intimate relationships, but not in every other area,
7:35
Speaker 3: you know. And so I feel like when you get
7:37
Speaker 3: to create friendships that are really safe and deep, and
7:40
Speaker 3: you know, you treat them as your intimate relationships, as
7:43
Speaker 3: important as those, and then you start to learn, okay, cool,
7:46
Speaker 3: like how can I show this person love in a
7:47
Speaker 3: way that they're going to receive it? You know, you
7:49
Speaker 3: start to inquire a little bit more. It's just yeah,
7:53
Speaker 3: it's so beautiful. Yeah, and you can ask your friends,
7:55
Speaker 3: but also just take note how they give love, Like
7:58
Speaker 3: you're an easy one.
7:58
Speaker 1: You buy everyone flowers.
8:00
Speaker 4: She fucking loves flowers.
8:01
Speaker 1: So easy.
8:02
Speaker 2: I know that you love that because you always do
8:04
Speaker 2: it with Jess, our friend Jess, and she loves receiving flowers.
8:07
Speaker 2: She always use everyone flowers. It's like an obvious interesting
8:10
Speaker 2: you give love how you want to receive it. Yes,
8:12
Speaker 2: I always do everything for everyone, Yeah, every active service,
8:16
Speaker 2: everywhere I can fix help solutions of like I will
8:18
Speaker 2: make everyone's life easy, because that's what I wanted. I
8:21
Speaker 2: wanted people to do that for me. You do do that,
8:23
Speaker 2: but once you're aware of it, you're like, oh, so
8:25
Speaker 2: if you're not sure, and your friends just observe how
8:27
Speaker 2: they give love, no, give you a pretty good idea.
8:29
Speaker 4: You're also a gifts person.
8:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Like I swear, not not every done,
8:34
Speaker 3: but like there are a lot of times when I
8:36
Speaker 3: come in the car and you'd be like, oh.
8:37
Speaker 4: Hey, Baybe just brought you this.
8:38
Speaker 3: I just got you this, like leg it's something that
8:40
Speaker 3: you'll buy for yourself, but then you'll also buy me
8:41
Speaker 3: one too. Yeah. You're just like really thoughtful and generous
8:44
Speaker 3: in that sense, like you'll buy like a little It's
8:45
Speaker 3: all a bit like I bought your chucky or like
8:47
Speaker 3: I bought you this, or I bought you crete gummies
8:49
Speaker 3: or like you know, you just you do. You're very
8:50
Speaker 3: much a gifts person too, Yeah, especially why you're singer
8:52
Speaker 3: like taking.
8:53
Speaker 4: Care of you.
8:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, my girl, and I do like gifts now.
8:59
Speaker 2: I think for a while there, I didn't value gifts
9:02
Speaker 2: as much because for the first time in my life,
9:03
Speaker 2: I actually had money to buy my self stuff. But
9:06
Speaker 2: it's not just the gift, it's a thought. It's the
9:08
Speaker 2: thought of someone else going to the effort to buying
9:11
Speaker 2: you the gift, to thinking or even seeing something like, ohyeah,
9:13
Speaker 2: I thought.
9:13
Speaker 1: You'd like this.
9:13
Speaker 2: Yes, I didn't like flowers, but then like you brought
9:16
Speaker 2: me so many flowers like it came home the other day.
9:17
Speaker 1: I was just I didn't know. I think that's an
9:19
Speaker 1: shty day.
9:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this flowers my favorite fun day lollies, and
9:21
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my god, I feel so loved.
9:23
Speaker 1: It's so nice.
9:24
Speaker 2: You know.
9:25
Speaker 3: It's when I think of you getting me stuff all
9:28
Speaker 3: like little things like that. It's the generosity and it's
9:30
Speaker 3: the consideration, you know, because I feel like you're generous
9:33
Speaker 3: in your love and then your consideration in terms of
9:36
Speaker 3: how you want me to feel. Yeah, when I receive
9:38
Speaker 3: gifts from your anything like that, when you've done little
9:40
Speaker 3: things like that for me, that's what I think.
9:42
Speaker 4: Yeah, you just want to like make the day a
9:43
Speaker 4: little bit brighter. So if it's a darker day, literally
9:46
Speaker 4: you've done that for me too.
9:47
Speaker 3: When I was going through it, I remember you put
9:48
Speaker 3: little flowers and a little chucky on my doorstep and
9:50
Speaker 3: it was.
9:51
Speaker 4: A pinapple and a pineapple. That's right, call it to
9:54
Speaker 4: the pineapple that was the best. It was actually made
9:56
Speaker 4: me laugh so much. I just like taking photo of
9:59
Speaker 4: this pineapple. The next station's like that was a juicy
10:02
Speaker 4: pineapple that was It was actually a really good one.
10:04
Speaker 1: So funny.
10:05
Speaker 2: And then kids as well, Like I'm learning kids need
10:08
Speaker 2: all five up until they're seven, you shouldn't neglect any
10:11
Speaker 2: of them. But apparently after seven you'll start to notice
10:14
Speaker 2: what their main one is, right, and that makes sense.
10:16
Speaker 1: So Taji definitely needed all of them.
10:18
Speaker 2: But now he's not as physical touch but his little boy,
10:20
Speaker 2: he was more touchy and now he's not. His words
10:23
Speaker 2: like through and three words in quality time. Yeah okay,
10:25
Speaker 2: Like he loves praise. And also that's another thing too,
10:29
Speaker 2: So say, if you're a words of information person, you
10:31
Speaker 2: thrive when someone gives you positive words, but if they
10:34
Speaker 2: criticize you, it kills their fucking soul. So if I
10:37
Speaker 2: have a criticized Taj or give him feedback, yeah, I
10:39
Speaker 2: just see him crush. I get the moment. For example,
10:41
Speaker 2: it's a good example. He wants to edit my YouTube videos.
10:43
Speaker 2: He's encouraged me to get back on YouTube. It's like
10:45
Speaker 2: I want to edit them for you, mum, it's really
10:47
Speaker 2: exciting for me. I want to learn and they can
10:48
Speaker 2: do it together and it's so fun and he's done
10:51
Speaker 2: a great job at it. But doing a thumbnail has
10:53
Speaker 2: been really, really challenging because he can't seem to get
10:55
Speaker 2: the thumbnail right and the sizing of it. And then
10:57
Speaker 2: he tried to use AI and it was making our
10:59
Speaker 2: faces look all disordered, and I gave him feedback. It
11:02
Speaker 2: was like, you know, this might be something I have
11:04
Speaker 2: to outsource to a designer. Or he made one and
11:06
Speaker 2: I just didn't love it. I said, like, I love
11:07
Speaker 2: how you've done this. I sandwich approach it, but I
11:10
Speaker 2: just don't like how this border's on here, Like.
11:11
Speaker 4: Do you think we could change that? And he got
11:12
Speaker 4: really frustrated.
11:14
Speaker 1: I'm doing my best.
11:15
Speaker 4: I have the bad son.
11:17
Speaker 1: Maybe editing's not.
11:18
Speaker 2: Cut out for me, ah Taji, and he had his moment.
11:21
Speaker 2: I just let him have his emotions and I went
11:23
Speaker 2: down to his level because he's on the ground. I said,
11:26
Speaker 2: this has nothing to do with your video editing. You've
11:28
Speaker 2: absolutely nailed the YouTube video. I've had to do a
11:30
Speaker 2: single thing there. This is a thumbnail that AI is
11:33
Speaker 2: not responding to your prompts. Yes and sometimes it dissorts
11:37
Speaker 2: the faces. And this is your first time ever doing
11:40
Speaker 2: a thumbnail. I don't even know how to do a thumbnaw.
11:43
Speaker 2: We can either learn together, or if it's really really
11:45
Speaker 2: stressful and you're not enjoying this process because you enjoy
11:47
Speaker 2: the video editing, we can get someone else to do that.
11:51
Speaker 2: But I could just see and Steve had to put
11:53
Speaker 2: me Oh, another example, he's cleaning our cars for money
11:56
Speaker 2: at the moment. The first time we did a terrible job,
11:59
Speaker 2: absolutely terrible marks. I followed the carts and vacuum properly,
12:02
Speaker 2: and Steve's like his first time, he needs to get
12:04
Speaker 2: better each time. Dot at are So the second time
12:06
Speaker 2: you did much put a job, But I just said, like, oh,
12:08
Speaker 2: can you see just the sand in the corner of
12:10
Speaker 2: the car seats here?
12:11
Speaker 1: Like do you reckon? You could do this again and
12:12
Speaker 1: he started to cry.
12:14
Speaker 2: We spoke about it afterwards, and Steve, I think we
12:16
Speaker 2: just need to be really mindful of how he world
12:18
Speaker 2: and really sandwich it. And it's like you can still
12:20
Speaker 2: give feedback, but you can just tell words absolutely crush him. Yeah,
12:23
Speaker 2: but then when you praise them, he's.
12:24
Speaker 1: So lit up.
12:25
Speaker 2: Yeahsa Tala, she just loves it all. I couldn't pick
12:29
Speaker 2: one at the moment that she needs more of. Yeah,
12:31
Speaker 2: it's so interesting. I really love this topic. It's just
12:35
Speaker 2: so cool to get to know what everyone likes and
12:37
Speaker 2: needs to feel loved by you.
12:39
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so interesting.
12:40
Speaker 3: When I'm thinking of my love languages, it's kind of
12:42
Speaker 3: weird because I feel like, when it comes to my
12:44
Speaker 3: love languages words, is I can relate to Taj on
12:47
Speaker 3: that one words the big one for me, Yes, like
12:49
Speaker 3: I thrive and like love the praise and you know,
12:52
Speaker 3: like just beautiful words.
12:53
Speaker 4: I love that.
12:54
Speaker 3: But when I think about my parents and where that
12:56
Speaker 3: came from, it's like, I think I never really got
12:58
Speaker 3: that from my mom, So that's probably why I have that.
13:00
Speaker 3: But it's interesting because I got that from my dad.
13:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm a parent that you didn't get.
13:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like, even though I got it from my dad
13:08
Speaker 3: and I love that I receive it from here. I
13:10
Speaker 3: enjoy it, but then I also didn't have it from here.
13:12
Speaker 3: She's more of an act of service kind of woman
13:15
Speaker 3: because she wants people to make her life easier.
13:17
Speaker 4: She wished somebody that for her.
13:18
Speaker 1: She's a MoMA of five. She's everything to take care
13:21
Speaker 1: of your guy.
13:21
Speaker 3: She literally will go above me. She'll give you the
13:23
Speaker 3: shirt off her damn back. Like she is a very
13:25
Speaker 3: generous woman in terms of her time and how much
13:27
Speaker 3: she will do for you and all of the things,
13:29
Speaker 3: but in terms of all words, it's just like not
13:31
Speaker 3: it's not how she gives love.
13:32
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was like communicated.
13:34
Speaker 1: Do you like more from her from that? I don't know.
13:36
Speaker 4: That's a good question, I don't think so.
13:38
Speaker 3: I think with my mom, there's been, it's been it's
13:43
Speaker 3: been challenging over the years to kind of like get
13:46
Speaker 3: what I need from her. So I think, like, you know,
13:49
Speaker 3: while she's been the best mom and I love her
13:51
Speaker 3: and she's an incredible human being. We love Shazzah, there's
13:54
Speaker 3: certain things that I've wanted from her over the years
13:56
Speaker 3: that I felt like she maybe didn't have the capacity
13:58
Speaker 3: to give me.
13:58
Speaker 1: Which most moms can relate to first out.
14:01
Speaker 3: Yeah, So with that, I think it was one of
14:03
Speaker 3: those things where I didn't bring to her, kind of
14:05
Speaker 3: dealt with on my own and just was like, Okay,
14:07
Speaker 3: this is something I can grieve on my own, give
14:09
Speaker 3: to myself, and then receive love from her. And the
14:11
Speaker 3: way that she gives it, Yes, like I just met
14:13
Speaker 3: her where she could meet me yep, instead of requiring.
14:16
Speaker 4: Her to meet me. Yeah, that's about the capacity too,
14:19
Speaker 4: If that makes sense.
14:20
Speaker 2: I think it's really important in your relationships too, to
14:22
Speaker 2: be super clear on exactly how that looks. Which I
14:24
Speaker 2: know I mentioned this on another episode, but if you
14:26
Speaker 2: missed it, I'll just go over it again. When I
14:28
Speaker 2: asked Steve, which is his love language at the moment,
14:30
Speaker 2: or I want actual examples of what feels good for him?
14:33
Speaker 2: So say if it is words I said to him?
14:35
Speaker 2: Is that leaving little love notes? Is that through text messages?
14:37
Speaker 2: Is that face to face? Is it through love notes?
14:39
Speaker 2: Is it three cards? Like?
14:41
Speaker 1: What exactly is it? Or is it all of them?
14:43
Speaker 1: You love all of it?
14:43
Speaker 2: And he's like, oh, I actually need time and space
14:45
Speaker 2: like think about this so I can get really clear
14:47
Speaker 2: on what would feel good for me.
14:49
Speaker 1: So you've got to You've got to really dig the try.
14:52
Speaker 4: Yeah.
14:52
Speaker 3: You know it's funny you say that, because now I'm
14:54
Speaker 3: thinking about I'm like, oh, this is so a conversation
14:56
Speaker 3: I reckon I could have with my mom.
14:57
Speaker 4: Now I'm like too, yeah, I'm like maybe I'll bring
14:59
Speaker 4: it into her.
15:00
Speaker 2: And I've had it with Steve lately too, because words
15:02
Speaker 2: is up there for me and I I know Steve
15:05
Speaker 2: so proud of me, I know it, but he's not
15:07
Speaker 2: a worthy person. Yeah, he's just like not the man
15:10
Speaker 2: that sends a novel long text of how proud he is.
15:13
Speaker 2: He'll say like I'm so proud, babe, and put a
15:14
Speaker 2: couple of kisses.
15:15
Speaker 1: But I've been saying to him lately like I would
15:17
Speaker 1: like more.
15:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm doing the Rachel signal sign language more please, more,
15:23
Speaker 2: we want more, I mean to, don't always joke around,
15:25
Speaker 2: like more.
15:25
Speaker 3: Love, more attention, more valide, validation, words of affirmation, more sweets,
15:33
Speaker 3: more hugue, more steakcase.
15:36
Speaker 4: Holiday.
15:36
Speaker 3: Actually have a good amount of those coming up.
15:38
Speaker 2: But yeah, so I've been giving him examples of like, Okay,
15:42
Speaker 2: this is getting super vulnerable. But I've started these dance classes,
15:46
Speaker 2: and for me to go and book a solo dance class,
15:49
Speaker 2: it has taken me years to get the courage to
15:52
Speaker 2: do this. Dancing for me growing up was my savior.
15:55
Speaker 2: It honestly saved my life. It was just what I
15:56
Speaker 2: look forward to every day. It was something I was
15:58
Speaker 2: really good at. So I got a lot of praise
16:00
Speaker 2: in something I enjoyed. I was connected to my body.
16:03
Speaker 2: I just I loved it so much. I lived for it.
16:05
Speaker 2: And without dance, like, I just don't know how I
16:07
Speaker 2: would have got through my childhood and my teenage years.
16:10
Speaker 2: And now it's been twenty years and I haven't danced
16:12
Speaker 2: for twenty years. So the last couple of years, I've
16:15
Speaker 2: been wanting to go back to a class. But I
16:17
Speaker 2: used to think when I was in classes and I
16:18
Speaker 2: was in my teenage years, the old mom's at the back,
16:21
Speaker 2: slowing me down.
16:22
Speaker 1: I used to hate it.
16:23
Speaker 2: I'd be like, Oh, why these mums in the class
16:25
Speaker 2: I go back to your kids actually think that. So
16:28
Speaker 2: it stopped me going to a class. I'm like, I
16:29
Speaker 2: don't want to be that old mom in the back
16:30
Speaker 2: that can't get the routine and the young girls are
16:32
Speaker 2: wanting to keep going yeah, and it's valid be slowing
16:36
Speaker 2: the class down. So I finally booked a dance class
16:39
Speaker 2: and I'm absolutely loving it. And I remember he swiped
16:41
Speaker 2: up one day and he was like, oh, my dance
16:42
Speaker 2: are put up, and he was like, so good, babe.
16:44
Speaker 1: I was like, that's it.
16:46
Speaker 4: And I remember like a week later, I was like,
16:47
Speaker 4: are you proud of me?
16:49
Speaker 1: Like are you not proud of me? That took a
16:50
Speaker 1: lot of courage.
16:51
Speaker 2: It's like, oh, but you go to heels dance class
16:52
Speaker 2: all the time, Like is it not the same thing?
16:54
Speaker 2: I was like, absolutely not. It's so different and I'm
16:58
Speaker 2: not doing it to get as validation. But it also
17:00
Speaker 2: is really really nice to have your close ones expressed
17:03
Speaker 2: through words of affirmations that they're you. And that was
17:06
Speaker 2: just an example of like how I would like more
17:08
Speaker 2: of him. That's a musclere. He's like learning to flex
17:10
Speaker 2: because it's not very natural for him to talk like that. Yeah,
17:13
Speaker 2: he grew up in a house where there was no love,
17:15
Speaker 2: no words of affirmations, like they talk about emotions. No,
17:19
Speaker 2: it wasn't there. So it's not that he's bad at it.
17:21
Speaker 2: But now I'm out in my life right now, I'm like,
17:24
Speaker 2: this is what I desire to have more of, Like
17:26
Speaker 2: can you meet me there?
17:27
Speaker 1: And he's like absolutely, I was good to practice.
17:29
Speaker 2: So the last couple of dances like fuck ye are
17:31
Speaker 2: so good when you're throwing your body around, I could
17:33
Speaker 2: never do.
17:33
Speaker 4: That's so good.
17:35
Speaker 1: You can see it's expanding.
17:37
Speaker 4: Yeah, it feels nice the effort and like that he
17:40
Speaker 4: heard you in.
17:41
Speaker 1: That he heard me.
17:42
Speaker 4: He's doing that. That's really beautiful.
17:43
Speaker 2: It's even cool for me to hear, like how much
17:45
Speaker 2: words mean to you. Now, I feel like we are
17:47
Speaker 2: pretty wordy with each other. But that makes me go, ah,
17:49
Speaker 2: I'm going to click that and it's like yeah, data,
17:51
Speaker 2: but like one she loves that. Oh, and you are
17:54
Speaker 2: really good with your words too, with like birthday cards
17:57
Speaker 2: and stuff like that, Like you put a lot of
17:58
Speaker 2: effort in so that's a good sign of.
18:00
Speaker 4: That stuff like that.
18:01
Speaker 1: You love stuff like that.
18:02
Speaker 3: And it's been good for me too. I was literally
18:03
Speaker 3: doing the same thing here. I'm like put that in there. Yeah, go,
18:06
Speaker 3: life easier, yeap, so good.
18:10
Speaker 2: That's so funny, is and it's such a cool way
18:14
Speaker 2: to learn how to deepen your connections. And at the
18:16
Speaker 2: end of the day, I always want the people around
18:19
Speaker 2: me to know how loved and special they are. So
18:21
Speaker 2: if I can like pinpoint specific ways to do that,
18:25
Speaker 2: fuck yeah, I'm winning it. Live Yeah, make the people
18:27
Speaker 2: around me feel good. This is such a cool conversation.
18:30
Speaker 3: Actually it is because when you can listen, like you
18:33
Speaker 3: can discover so much. Even if you have this conversation
18:36
Speaker 3: with your girlfriends or friends or family members, and like
18:38
Speaker 3: just sit and listen to what they're saying and ask
18:41
Speaker 3: them the way that they give love or yeah, things
18:43
Speaker 3: like that. You're going to find little pockets of things
18:45
Speaker 3: that you can do too. Like my sister Chantel. I
18:47
Speaker 3: live with her and she is like, I don't know
18:50
Speaker 3: if it's like gifts or acts of service, but like
18:53
Speaker 3: she's very big on Like I think it's maybe acts
18:55
Speaker 3: of service.
18:55
Speaker 4: I think so too, beca many people doing things for her. No,
18:58
Speaker 4: but it's in the form of food and snacks and stuff.
19:00
Speaker 3: Like she will be the happiest woman alive if I
19:03
Speaker 3: bring her a coffee in the morning and she doesn't have.
19:04
Speaker 1: To ask what she does post about that?
19:06
Speaker 4: Does She's so sweet lying Chantella coffee next week. Literally,
19:11
Speaker 4: it's like her, she's like you thought of me. She
19:14
Speaker 4: posts about that all the time when you buy her coffee.
19:16
Speaker 4: Loves it.
19:16
Speaker 3: That's why I do it because I know she loves
19:18
Speaker 3: and it's her thing in the morning where she's like, oh,
19:20
Speaker 3: this is just me time.
19:21
Speaker 4: You know.
19:21
Speaker 3: Obviously she's got children as well, so she's like, this
19:24
Speaker 3: is my mean time, that's my emotional oh period.
19:29
Speaker 4: That's so sweet.
19:29
Speaker 3: Cute, but yeah, you know, or if she's like having
19:31
Speaker 3: a bad day or whatever, I'll buy her like a
19:33
Speaker 3: favorite chocolate and yeah, you know, put it down, and she'd.
19:35
Speaker 1: Just be like, oh, she launched her business. You put
19:38
Speaker 1: her flowers.
19:38
Speaker 2: Made me emotional and I wont crying about Bye, you've
19:41
Speaker 2: got your period. I'm juice, stop it. God, God, I
19:45
Speaker 2: know right, I do love her so much. But yeah,
19:49
Speaker 2: I remember when she launched her active her business and
19:51
Speaker 2: you bought her flowers, and like, I just remember the
19:53
Speaker 2: selfie that she posted with it.
19:55
Speaker 1: She just looked so lit up. I could tell she
19:57
Speaker 1: felt so loved. And that's so nice.
19:59
Speaker 2: You know.
19:59
Speaker 4: It's so beautiful.
20:00
Speaker 2: She's literally a single mom to three young children and
20:03
Speaker 2: it's working her butt off and to know that she's
20:06
Speaker 2: like seen, you know, it just would mean the world
20:09
Speaker 2: to her.
20:10
Speaker 4: Yeah, my god, I'm like crying. I know, no, it is.
20:13
Speaker 4: It's so beautiful. I'm so proud of her.
20:14
Speaker 3: She's such an incredible human spits for a lot, like
20:17
Speaker 3: having to navigate single parents, being a single parent, you
20:21
Speaker 3: have three children all under the age of six, it's
20:24
Speaker 3: very full on. But she's a super mama, superhuman and
20:26
Speaker 3: what she.
20:27
Speaker 1: Does hats off to single moms.
20:28
Speaker 4: Tell you what, Yeah, hats off to single moms. More
20:31
Speaker 4: proud of you, very proud. Not an easy job.
20:34
Speaker 3: No.
20:35
Speaker 1: Back to love languages.
20:36
Speaker 3: Actually love languages, love languages, So my love languages.
20:38
Speaker 4: Have changed also over the years.
20:40
Speaker 3: When you said that, I was like, oh, my gosh,
20:41
Speaker 3: that's so true because previously I remember words of affirmation
20:46
Speaker 3: being really strong in like my past, past relationship, and
20:49
Speaker 3: then after that I was like, oh, you know what.
20:51
Speaker 4: Words not so much. I want acts of service.
20:53
Speaker 3: I want like someone who's just going to do and
20:55
Speaker 3: not actually say, which is interesting because it was always
20:58
Speaker 3: such a strong one for me. Even now I'm noticing
21:01
Speaker 3: I love the words. But then I'm like, hmm, do
21:03
Speaker 3: acts of service hit a little bit more for me
21:05
Speaker 3: lately or interesting? Yeah, I know that physical touch is
21:08
Speaker 3: always a big one for me. I'm such a like
21:10
Speaker 3: a lover girl. Physical touch for me is connection to me.
21:13
Speaker 3: So when I get that, I'm like, oh, I feel
21:15
Speaker 3: loved or yes, you know, feel close, And I.
21:17
Speaker 4: Love that when your dad puts petrol in your car,
21:19
Speaker 4: it's so sweet.
21:20
Speaker 3: That's an active say yes yeah, Which is interesting though,
21:22
Speaker 3: because when I grew up like my parents are very
21:24
Speaker 3: active service kind of people.
21:26
Speaker 4: Yeah, they are, both of them. Yeah, very true.
21:28
Speaker 3: But then when they were acts of service people, I
21:30
Speaker 3: just wanted quality time and words of affirmation.
21:32
Speaker 1: Could just start with the other ones.
21:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know, I feel like I've got a
21:34
Speaker 3: sufficient amount of that. I kind of am like I'm
21:37
Speaker 3: chopping and changing.
21:38
Speaker 2: So you'd say physical touch on words right now, your
21:41
Speaker 2: love languages, quality time. I mean, you like all of them,
21:43
Speaker 2: but all of If you had to pick a top two,
21:46
Speaker 2: oh that's hard, it is.
21:48
Speaker 1: It is tricky. Is three?
21:50
Speaker 4: Go for it?
21:51
Speaker 3: Quality time is definitely up there for me, quality time,
21:54
Speaker 3: words of affirmation, and acts of service.
21:56
Speaker 4: M yeah, what are the other two?
21:59
Speaker 1: Physical touch?
22:01
Speaker 4: All of them?
22:02
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, it is hard to pick, isn't it.
22:05
Speaker 3: I think physical touch for me and intimate relationships, Yes,
22:07
Speaker 3: it can be different for different people, yes, totally, whereas
22:10
Speaker 3: the other three father areas.
22:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like physical touch with Steve. But yeah, so
22:14
Speaker 2: girlfriends be more quality.
22:15
Speaker 4: Times, yes, ondredcent So it depends on the person too.
22:18
Speaker 3: Yeah.
22:19
Speaker 1: So interesting.
22:20
Speaker 2: So there's a book that you can read and there's
22:22
Speaker 2: also a test that you can do online. But also
22:25
Speaker 2: regardless of the tests, like hopefully just hearing this conversation
22:29
Speaker 2: you know pretty quickly. Yeah, and have the conversation with
22:31
Speaker 2: your partner even if they say oh like like I
22:33
Speaker 2: di would see like words of affirmations.
22:35
Speaker 1: How does that feel for you? Is it through texts?
22:37
Speaker 1: Three notes?
22:37
Speaker 2: Like?
22:38
Speaker 1: Ask more examples?
22:39
Speaker 4: Get've got specific?
22:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, a bit of a cheat code because once Steve
22:42
Speaker 2: he's doing it today, Actually I love Yeah, I asked
22:44
Speaker 2: him to write it all out for me. Once you've
22:46
Speaker 2: got clarity, then you get to put your own creative
22:48
Speaker 2: spin on it. And that's fun to me. It's like
22:50
Speaker 2: finding creative ways to make my loved ones feel more loved.
22:52
Speaker 1: Like how fun is that?
22:53
Speaker 3: Yeah?
22:53
Speaker 4: Interesting?
22:54
Speaker 1: So cool?
22:54
Speaker 4: That's good fun.
22:55
Speaker 2: Another example for me, like I'll make a big deal
22:57
Speaker 2: about someone's birthday. Yeah, guess what I love. I love
23:00
Speaker 2: when someone makes big deal about my birthday.
23:02
Speaker 4: You love surprises.
23:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I just think there's been so many birthday
23:05
Speaker 2: so I've been like forgotten or didn't get to have
23:07
Speaker 2: a party or whatever. So I just never wanted anyone
23:09
Speaker 2: feeling like Not everyone likes that, So that's something I
23:11
Speaker 2: gotta be careful as well, because not everyone loves big
23:14
Speaker 2: shing dig for their birthday.
23:15
Speaker 4: That I don't like all the attention is more attention.
23:17
Speaker 2: Yes, I love it. Take my photo. I had like
23:20
Speaker 2: a bali I had like five birthdays this year.
23:24
Speaker 3: Yeah literally really honestly, we rode that wave hard.
23:29
Speaker 2: We did, and it was the best. But yeah, take
23:32
Speaker 2: note of what your friends do because you'll learn a lot.
23:35
Speaker 4: I love you. I'm literally thinking it had crossed over
23:38
Speaker 4: two months?
23:39
Speaker 1: Really was it two months?
23:42
Speaker 4: I think it was gone on like five weeks.
23:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was quite a few things.
23:45
Speaker 4: It was good to had a great time.
23:46
Speaker 1: We had a great time.
23:47
Speaker 4: That's how you do it. Yeah, why not. Life should
23:50
Speaker 4: be celebrated now. Yeah, even the man that I'm dating
23:52
Speaker 4: right now.
23:53
Speaker 3: Yes, things that he's mentioned to me, I think maybe
23:56
Speaker 3: acts of service because whenever it has to do with
23:59
Speaker 3: food and I like cooked dinner for him like that,
24:02
Speaker 3: he'll mention it the next day and be like, you
24:03
Speaker 3: know that thing that you did last and like that
24:06
Speaker 3: is everything. Yeah, okay, it's almost like a taking care energy.
24:09
Speaker 1: Well that's nurturing. So yeah, it makes sense.
24:11
Speaker 3: So I think maybe like acts of service physical touch
24:14
Speaker 3: is a big one for him.
24:15
Speaker 2: And because he's always out and about with his work.
24:19
Speaker 2: Maybe I don't know, but I'm assuming, maye, he doesn't
24:20
Speaker 2: have enough time or prioritize to cook and prep or whatever. Yes,
24:23
Speaker 2: so you doing that for him? He's like, Oh, I
24:25
Speaker 2: get this beautiful home cooked me or by the girl
24:26
Speaker 2: that I'm like obsessed with. That makes him feel really nice.
24:30
Speaker 3: And it's interesting though, because he is very good with
24:33
Speaker 3: words of affirmation.
24:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, like that might be his love language then too.
24:36
Speaker 3: Well, I think it is, actually, but I don't know
24:38
Speaker 3: how well he is at receiving it. I have to
24:40
Speaker 3: ask him, actually, because he's obviously so used to giving it. Yeah.
24:44
Speaker 3: I always used to feel like I was the person
24:46
Speaker 3: who did words of affirmation, and I feel like he
24:47
Speaker 3: tops me. Yeah. He's a very good communicative Yeah, wordy
24:51
Speaker 3: kind of guy, like loves to talk, loves to talk
24:53
Speaker 3: be conversationalists. Yeah, so when he does give words of affirmation,
24:57
Speaker 3: it's beautiful, you know.
24:59
Speaker 4: But I'm like, oh, this is very interesting. I feel
25:00
Speaker 4: like I just learned something about him.
25:01
Speaker 1: It's so interesting.
25:02
Speaker 4: Yeah.
25:03
Speaker 2: I was teaching my neighbors about it because they didn't
25:05
Speaker 2: even know what theirs was. So they asked me a
25:07
Speaker 2: bunch of questions. And you can even see with some
25:09
Speaker 2: people they can't receive it.
25:11
Speaker 4: So that's thinking.
25:13
Speaker 2: One of my neighbors he was like gifts, but I
25:16
Speaker 2: can tell his words like he doesn't. It doesn't receive
25:19
Speaker 2: him very well, but I can tell like he likes words,
25:22
Speaker 2: and he's that kind of guy that you can call
25:24
Speaker 2: and do anything for everyone from.
25:25
Speaker 1: Like access service. Yes, but receiving it for some people
25:28
Speaker 1: is really really hard.
25:29
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it.
25:32
Speaker 3: I think for him as well, he goes above and
25:33
Speaker 3: beyond in terms of like we'll do anything for you,
25:37
Speaker 3: So maybe like acts of service and words of performation.
25:39
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't prowl the shit out. Yeah, I think
25:41
Speaker 4: sounds like hope he doesn't listen to this.
25:44
Speaker 1: Stay tued even if he does. You know it's true.
25:48
Speaker 4: It's true, and then I think the world of you.
25:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's like if you guys, haven't any other questions.
25:54
Speaker 2: Pop it into our private Facebook forum. We have the
25:57
Speaker 2: Shoe Rises for him that is free for anyone to join.
25:59
Speaker 2: If you want more support other women to connect with,
26:01
Speaker 2: pop it in there. Otherwise we'll see you on the
26:04
Speaker 2: next one.
26:04
Speaker 1: I see you on mone day. Thanks for joining us.
26:06
Speaker 1: Bye bye
26:13
Speaker 3: MHM