Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Women Fake Orgasms

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Why Women Fake Orgasms · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about why
• 0:10
  women fake orgasms who fakes, who gets faked with Etc?
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  And before we do that, I must tell you to subscribe.
• 0:19
  The most recent subscriber episode was on hand jobs, the
• 0:23
  answer to, I don't like blow jobs and I don't want to have
• 0:26
  sex, so you should definitely listen to that.
• 0:30
  I'm doing a lot more subscriber episodes now that the price is
• 0:34
  higher. So, That you get, what, you are
• 0:36
  paying for, and before that. What else did I have?
• 0:41
  The one right before that was when you were smarter than your
• 0:44
  spouse. So we got two good ones just in
• 0:47
  the most recent to, okay. So how many women have probably?
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  I mean, this is not scientific. This is from 14 years in
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  practice, and I think there were statistics, that said something
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  like the majority of women have faked an orgasm, but I would say
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  almost every woman that's been in a sexual relationship has
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  faked an orgasm. One time or another, sometimes
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  it's not the first orgasm so that's like a way that some
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  women do it is they just you know they have a real orgasm so
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  they say Alright good you know, good but he wants me to
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  apparently have more of them. I'm not feeling it but he's a,
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  you know, a great guy. So might as well make him think
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  that this is just, you know, amazing amazing.
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  And you know, have a few more for the fuck of it, right?
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  And so I mean, if we're going by that definition of women who
• 1:34
  have faked even Your orgasms, and I would say 100 percent of
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  women have done that in their lifetime, you know, I mean,
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  unless we're talking about situations that are very extreme
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  where, like, a woman has literally never had an orgasm
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  and when a woman has never had an orgasm frequently, she
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  doesn't really even know how to fake and doesn't want to fake
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  and is really not that into sex. But in the situation where it's
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  a woman who enjoys sex enjoys being in love and joy as men and
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  Joy's relationships, sometimes you just fake an orgasm.
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  Now, very insecure men on the internet.
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  Say things like, well, this just shows all women are lying
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  bitches and you know, that whole rhetoric that's really makes you
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  always know why they've had trouble with women from the very
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  first comment, but it is not that women are Liars, men.
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  Like, constantly, I mean, your wife wants to watch some fucking
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  TV show, reality TV. I told you to watch reality TV
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  with her. A good man, you're doing it.
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  She says, oh, don't you love it? You say oh yes, sure this was
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  great. This was one I really liked it.
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  You know? Or like she cook something and
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  it's terrible. You say it's good or she comes
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  down and some lingerie that she's really trying to you know,
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  impress you with. And it looks like something that
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  you know her own mother you could picture wearing, you know,
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  currently as an elderly person but you say yes, sure.
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  You look hot. Wow.
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  You know, I mean people do this. It's not like how about your kid
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  comes to Like a picture. You're like, wow, that's really
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  great. That's a, that's a deer, like
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  elephant. You're like, that's exactly what
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  I was gonna say. It looks like shit, right?
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  It looks like it. Nothing does not look like an
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  elephant and you say yes, that is the best elephant that I've
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  ever seen. Okay.
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  So yes of course I even have an article stop feeding your child
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  fake praise. So if all the time they do
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  scribble Scrabble and you say that they're you know, Van Gogh
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  then you're setting them up to be a huge narcissist but
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  sometimes If it's like your Father's Day present and they've
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  worked hard on it and it just, you know, they just really does
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  not look like an elephant at all.
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  Then you will say great, elephant, and that just means
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  that you're a good guy, right? Means that you're not an asshole
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  and so your wife, sometimes you're trying very hard in bed.
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  She's nowhere near close to anything, you know, but you are
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  trying valiantly. She's really not in the mood.
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  She's about to get her period in a couple of days.
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  She is thinking about the grocery.
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  She's thinking about, oh, and by the way, you could be like a man
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  Careful lover, and you could go to the gym, eight days a week
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  and she'll still be thinking about the groceries, when she's
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  not at her right time in the cycle to enjoy herself.
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  You know? I mean that just is what it is.
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  Like it's extraordinarily narcissistic and delusional for
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  a man to think that there is some level of good lover that he
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  could be within a marriage. That would mean that a woman
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  never took her mind off of him. This is like the guys that think
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  that you shouldn't think about somebody else.
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  If she didn't think about somebody else.
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  Believe me she'd have to fake a lot more because just normal for
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  a woman to I have to have a fantasy going on because as I
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  told you evolutionarily, every time she ovulates you supposed
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  to think about a different she's supposed to sleep with a
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  different guy. So in lieu of that, some women
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  think about a whole different scenario.
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  May involve you. It may not, sometimes it doesn't
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  even involve your gender. You know what they did?
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  It could be anything. So, the point is, people are
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  allowed to have their thoughts. People are allowed to have
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  private brains and sometimes, you know, it just doesn't go
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  along with what the couple is experiencing.
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  Were those private thoughts to be made public?
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  So if so how about this, once your birthday, let's say and she
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  is definitely not going to orgasm because she is a day away
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  from her period. She's in the dearth of the Low
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  Valley, the nadir rather of her cycle and also your kid just got
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  you just got called from the school that your kids acted like
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  a sociopath in some way or another, you know.
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  And so she's thinking about that, you know, as Little Johnny
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  Going to grow up to be a serial killer, but it's your birthday
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  and she's really trying to give you a very good time and she's
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  put on the lingerie you asked her to put on and she gave you a
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  blowjob to and everything. Now it's up for the sex part.
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  Do you think that she shouldn't fake?
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  I mean, I think she should fake you, you do.
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  And I'm somebody who thinks that she usually shouldn't fake and
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  I'll get to that too. But I think in that situation it
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  would be extremely pro-social if she knows she's not going to but
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  you know what? It's within the Civil love life,
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  where you do know how to give her an orgasm and you're a good
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  guy. And you know what about this
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  one? What if you were on death row
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  and you got that one more fuck. Then should she fake?
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  She's worried about you dying. She loves you.
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  She's not gonna have an orgasm unless you just gets off on
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  death. So should she faked if you were
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  on death row, many more people will say yes with all of these
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  examples. So, you know, that's how she
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  thinks about it. She's a nice person.
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  She doesn't want to show you up. She doesn't want you.
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  To feel like a bad lover. She doesn't want you to sulk and
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  I'll get to that in a second. So she tries to take one for the
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  team and do a lot of moaning and moving around.
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  Is she faking per say? Oh, we don't know but you know,
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  she is kind of leaving it. Open to interpretation.
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  If you so desire, many women, if you then ask them, did you come?
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  They'll be like, well, no honey. But you know, I wasn't really
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  going to be in the mood to do that.
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  That wasn't really gonna be possible but they will have.
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  But if you don't ask And you could think that they did
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  because like some men who think that they're smart is my
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  favorite, they're like, but there's contractions.
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  You think a woman doesn't know how to move her own vagina.
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  It's like you know, it's like wiggling your ears but except
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  everybody can do it. You know, when everybody can't
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  wiggle their ears. So if a woman wants to make you
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  think that she came and, or if she wants to hasten your own
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  orgasm, she could certainly contract her own vagina.
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  I mean, it's part of her body, so that should settle that
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  debate. But okay, so which kind of men,
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  get faked with, or on more than others.
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  The ones that are sulky and difficult and oversensitive.
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  Because if, if, when she tells you that she doesn't necessarily
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  like the way that you mowed the lawn, you got a problem about
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  it. And the problem last for
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  eternity, then how she going to tell you that you don't know how
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  to make her come. I mean shit that's going to make
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  you she's going to be dealing with the ramifications of that
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  shit, show for the rest of her life, you know?
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  So if you want to be and I have a whole podcast on this if you
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  want. Don't be the guy that gets
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  genuine performance feedback from your wife, just type in
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  feedback to get to this one. Then you got to be open-minded
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  willingness to accept feedback, coachable in all aspects.
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  Not just in bed, right? If you are perceived as somebody
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  difficult or argumentative. I mean, there's some guys who
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  actually try to out argue that they are good lovers to their
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  own wife, who is saying that they're not.
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  So like they literally literally will say Well, no, that is
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  supposed to get you off, literally, like, they'll say
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  that to the woman, I have read about this.
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  And that is what foreplay is supposed to be like, and that is
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  what supposed to get you off of the woman saying it doesn't.
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  So if you are a guy who's extremely rigid, if you're one
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  of these guys that gets on my page and trolls, all, you know,
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  internet trolling, you know, and only believes that, you know,
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  that, you know, they are always right and they are somewhere
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  above God and their love in their ability to assess and into
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  it, you know, All situations and always have unfailingly good
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  judgment. And if a woman says that you
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  don't, then you basically have a panic attack about it.
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  Then you're always going to get women faking orgasms always
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  because they don't want to deal with you.
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  You know, you're getting women with low self-esteem to begin
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  with, because that's the only women that will put up with you
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  and within that they certainly don't even want to make you mad.
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  You know, at all they have low self-esteem, they don't want you
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  to get mad at them and tell them that they're wrong somehow or
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  that they caused it or something.
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  So they just fake and everybody's Happy from their
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  perspective, except they're not really happy because they're
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  still partnered with an asshole, but, you know, you're a happy at
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  least as happy as you get, because you are the asshole.
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  So either way, but who else gets what kind of women now, jumping
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  from that fake people Pleasers fake much more than average
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  Young Women fake more than average because they don't
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  really know what the hell they're supposed to be
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  experiencing anyway quite yet, you know.
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  So whatever young women of this current generation seem to fake
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  out of my clients, Or why? Because they've been exposed to
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  porn. So they know what a fake looks
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  like. So women in my generation and
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  again, I'm 42 don't really look at porn that much maybe as an
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  adult but certainly not when you were like 16 years old.
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  Like I'd like dial-up internet, you know, and I was a girl like
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  it just wasn't a thing. But most men obviously that are
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  42 of you know consumed an incredible amount of internet
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  pornography but not so much the women, but the women in their
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  20s now They have and their boyfriends of wanted them to and
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  they've been interested on their own because they have its high
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  sex drive their 20s. So a lot of women will look at
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  it and then they're like, oh I guess that's what I'm supposed
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  to act like. So some of them are faking
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  without even knowing that they're faking because they just
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  think that when a woman is having sex she's supposed to act
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  like she's being impaled, you know by the Vikings.
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  And so she just tries to do that because you know, you want to be
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  on Trend you want to do what you're supposed to do.
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  So anyway, so who else? Well, as I said it's women who
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  are people Pleasers Men who are partnered with sulky or
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  difficult men. It's also women that don't have
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  a sex drive anymore because of menopause or because of
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  antidepressants, or because they are nursing or because of, you
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  know, Myriad medications, they could be on besides
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  antidepressants or because they were depressed, that one gets
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  you coming and going if you're depressed, you can't.
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  And then if you're on antidepressants, you can't.
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  But anyway, if they just can't have an orgasm anymore, then
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  they don't want the guide to just be completely demoralized.
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  And so, then they fake. And remember, there's different
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  ways to fake one is, like a sin of omission, right?
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  You just don't mention that you didn't come, but your body
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  language indicates, you might have, you know, so that, you
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  know, it's kind of Choose Your Own Adventure.
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  The guy could go down the rabbit hole of actually asking you or
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  if he's having a pretty good day overall he could just decide to
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  just let that lie and who no pun intended and not really ask and
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  you know no harm, no foul don't ask, don't tell, but you know.
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  And then there's literally women that are like Oh baby.
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  That was the best and convey by that, that they did,
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  specifically definitely have an orgasm.
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  And again, there's really no distinction, except the level of
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  people, pleasing or the level of how difficult you are, or the
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  level at, which they were, never going to have an orgasm in that
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  encounter for whatever reasons, possibly do to you not being a
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  good lover, and possibly due to them, not having a libido or
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  both both would be the worst. Now if you're a woman listening
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  to this, should you fake orgasms?
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  Then I'm saying it's totally normal.
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  Totally. Chiral.
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  Well, you know, no, of course not.
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  You know, lying people do constantly, it's completely
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  normative to lie but you shouldn't, you know, that's not
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  ethical. And in this case, it's not
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  ethical to lie. Despite I see why you do it.
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  And that's what I'm pointing out.
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  But it also makes him a worse lover overall and he never gets
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  used to getting any feedback. So yeah, he may be an asshole
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  after he gets feedback but you're also allowed to point
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  that out, like you're allowed. To say, you know, I didn't come
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  and maybe next time you could use your hand more and if he's
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  like, what do you mean, like, go out where I've read that book,
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  you know, come as you are and it was talking all about me going
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  down on you. And, you know what, like a lot
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  of women would want that lot of women want guy to go down on
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  them. Well, first of all, that means
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  he has not listened to my oral sex on women podcast which
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  explicitly delineates that many women do not.
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  But also, that's when you say, hey when you respond in a
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  defensive way, it means I'm less likely To be honest, I don't
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  want us to have a relationship where we lie.
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  I'd like to be able to tell you that, I need something in bed
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  and you to respond in a way that is collaborative and
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  team-oriented. You know, instead of being a
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  douchebag about it and he, well, may continue to be an asshole
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  for that night, but the next day, he may be nice about it or
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  he may at least incrementally have become more willing to
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  accept feedback and you didn't lie.
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  And at least he's not going to think that him going down.
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  You is the be-all end-all of your life anymore, which is
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  probably fairly irritating in and of itself if you are in that
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  sort of situation. So also also, if you fake, then
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  he comes quicker and everything goes according to plan, right?
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  But he also gets more and more lazy because he thinks that like
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  forget about the extra stuff. Some of these guys think that
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  then just penetration, is leading to orgasm, he becomes
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  super lazy. Your entire encounter ends up
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  being five minutes in which somehow Now, he's convinced
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  himself that you can come and you've colluded in this
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  deception, you know, again you're not a terrible person.
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  I see why you do it. But, you know, now, he thinks
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  that you are one of those poor and women that can get off in
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  like less than five minutes from intercourse.
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  How's that helping, anybody? He's getting even worse in bet.
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  So he's worse than accepting feedback because he's not
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  practicing. And he's worse in bed because he
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  thinks some superstitious shit about how.
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  You know, his penis is like giving you an orgasm through
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  Magic. Go through like 5 minutes of
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  penetrative sex. It's like not going to happen
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  with no foreplay. So you're also allowing him to
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  be an idiot and when we love people we don't want them to be
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  idiots. We want them to be their best
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  self. So to you know to summarize here
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  men lie about things to make women feel good.
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  Women lie about things to make men feel good lies tend to be
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  well intentioned when they are within a loving marriage
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  frequently, but they always have ramifications.
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  Haitians. And in this specific case, the
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  ramification is that over time, the man gets both worse at
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  accepting feedback and he gets worse in bed, and the woman get
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  is much less likely to enjoy herself.
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  So therefore she's less likely to want sex, which overall, then
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  leaves the man. Very surprised because he
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  thought that, you know, she was coming all over the place.
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  And so why the hell wouldn't she want sex?
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  Well, because she wasn't, you know?
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  And so if you are in the situation that you have been,
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  you know, Making every you know, half your encounters or you know
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  a third or whatever. Why not just stop you know stop
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  and try to get him to do more of the things that you like.
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  And if he is sulky, remember I said, what to say is I really
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  don't want us to be in a relationship where I have to
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  walk on eggshells around you. You know, I this is, you know,
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  difficult for me to say, don't want to be awkward, but I also
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  want to enjoy myself more and this is how we could do it, you
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  know, it sounds. Like a difficult conversation.
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  But, you know, it's really over and like, you know, like what
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  like, what's how long that take? Like 10 seconds.
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  You know, you say that. And then you said it and then
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  you guys can potentially work on things.
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  And if you can't, of course, you could reach out to couples
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  counselors. I have an intimacy coach Heather
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  but you know me but but there's people who could help.
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  But in addition you gotta give somebody a chance to even know
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  that what you're doing is not, you know, that what they're
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  doing is not work, all right. I hope this clears up that women
• 17:06
  are not diabolical lying bitches and they are well intentioned as
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  are the men. Who say, oh yes, honey.
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  That was the best dinner I've ever had.
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  Everybody's trying to be a good partner in this situation.
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  So, you know, I mean, it is what it is.
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  You got to understand that lying is not a gender-based
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  characteristic. There are good and bad reasons,
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  but net net. It is not good long-term for the
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  relationship and I hope that that was very useful.
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  Full for you guys and I'll talk to you soon.
• 17:37
  Have a great day.