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Distraction Is Destroying Men (Here’s Why) w/ Trey Tucker · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved us a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on lowes.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 0:30
  Distraction can look a lot of different ways and alcohol is just one of them, but man, whatever we choose, we got to figure out what are we running from. The lie men tell themselves most. I'm not good enough.
• 0:42
  It's not really the events that keep us stuck. It's what we think about the events. What I found is if you'll fully own something in yourself, you can fix it. What's really happening when a man goes quiet? There's a Bible verse that says, be still and know that I'm God. It means literally take your clenched fists and release your grip. So you're really saying surrender. Exactly.
• 1:06
  One time I was in a really bad spot and I knew I needed something drastic. So I went on an eight hour walk where it was just silence, no phone, no ear pods, nothing. Just start small. You don't have to do the eight hours, but like don't wait until you need eight hours. If I'm pushing because I'm here to make a difference, then there is no limit because I'm just here to spread the good stuff that's already in me.
• 1:30
  Today, I'm talking to Trey Tucker, licensed therapist, MBA, and the man 1.5 million people online called the guy's guy. Trey doesn't use the word trauma. He calls them injuries. And that distinction tells you everything about how he thinks. Let's go.
• 1:51
  Those of you that are watching and you tune in every single week, please smash that subscribe button. We are focused on growing that for you to get bigger and better guests. I appreciate it. It means the world to me and our team breathing into you. If you're watching this on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify, subscribe on that platform.
• 2:15
  My man Trey, thank you for making the trip here. Welcome to the Heart of Life Show, everybody. Trey's book, we're gonna talk all about it, called Tough Enough. You open tough enough with distraction, not discipline, not mindset. Why is distraction the first enemy and what does it tell about what men are actually losing? Distraction is our enemy because we have a purpose, we have a mission, and then we have an enemy that's trying to keep us from fulfilling that mission. And comfort, we are just so wired for comfort.
• 2:44
  I know you get up at like 4 a.m. every day, right? 3.59. 3.59. But I bet, at least maybe in the beginning, you probably had that voice to be like, hit the snooze, just stay comfortable. And like, I know I still have that voice. So anytime that enemy knows from the outside that we want comfort, we also have to remind ourselves, what do I want more than the comfort?
• 3:04
  Because the comfort is just in the short term. And you know this, I'm going to pay the price in the long term if I choose the short term. So distraction just becomes the way that guys can just block out all the stress, all the thoughts, all of the emotions that they don't know what to do with because it's sometimes like a tornado in there. I have a friend, a really close friend, who every morning, every night, he gets home from work and he watches a full movie. Like two or three hours. Wow. Yeah. Wow.
• 3:32
  So wait a minute, just so you know, the 359 didn't scare me. The thought of watching a movie every day just made me want to vomit. So I'm weird. I'm uncommon. I get it. But that like this, the waking up early. Nope. I know. Yeah. But I'm guessing there was a time in your life when that comfort, just the escape might have felt better instead of waking up earlier. I don't know. I escaped an alcohol man. That was my fun. That was my fun. I had a blast doing it.
• 4:00
  Right. And that's escape. I mean, that's that's distraction. Distraction can look a lot of different ways and alcohol is just one of them. But man, so whatever we choose, we got to figure out what are we running from? I don't really care what the distraction is. That is so good. What are we really running from? Because that's the God's honest truth. But what I was running from is people knowing the real me. I figured if people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me. Yeah. Turns out people love me.
• 4:29
  So I don't know what you're afraid of, but keep going. And I loved your book. As I said, I read it literally in three days. So you referenced one of my favorite books in there, one of my favorite people, John Gordon's Energy Bust. I'm pretty certain the Energy Bust was the first book, the first personal development book I've ever read. Man's Search for Meaning was my first one, but I...
• 4:54
  I didn't know that was a personal development book, but John Gore's energy bus was. So I want to quote this, and I'm going to look down and read this. We only have one ride, so give it all you got. But you also cite the stat that the average person burns two hours
• 5:10
  and 24 minutes a day on social media. Yes, sir. That's seven years of a lifetime. You kicked me in the gut on that. How do you reconcile telling men to give it all they got when you built your platform on the very thing you're warning them about?
• 5:29
  But it called me out. Thanks. Hey, this is hard to like, baby. Exactly. Yeah, it's the tough question. I did wrestle with that coming into this whole social media world because I wasn't a user of social media before I started posting. So I had two friends tell me I should get on there and post. I was like, why would I do that? And they said, well, you could help people that you never meet in person. And if you know any therapists, you know, we're addicted to helping people sometimes in a healthy addiction, sometimes not. But I got on there. I'm like, okay.
• 5:54
  How do I reconcile this that I'm feeding the very thing that's actually keeping people unhappy? So I just thought, all right, well, this is where they are. So I'm never going to reach them any other way. So I got to at least go where they're at to help them find the different path. That's how I keep it in my head.
• 6:10
  Well, I say it like this. Anything in moderation, including moderation, is good. That's number one. Number two is you got to leverage it for good. Yeah. But set timers, set boundaries. I watch myself. You ever want to scare the shit out of yourself?
• 6:25
  go and look and see how many times you pick up the phone. There's a number in your phone. Mine average is over 100 every day. Because whenever I'm waiting on something, I just flip open real quick. I bet yours is the low end too. And yeah, probably the low end. But I have tried to be conscious because I tell people I am famous and you can steal this.
• 6:47
  Take a phone vacation. Yeah. And I mean not just, if you could only do a day, do a day. Yep. But I do a week a year, the week between Christmas and New Year's. That's strong. It is wild, especially being here, because you need your phone to get in everywhere. Yeah. And you never know how much we use our phone until you can't have it. I take it and I put it in my...
• 7:10
  in my nightstand, and I shut it off. Yeah. You know how many times I'm reaching for it? I'm like, oh, my God, I lost my phone. Like, oh, no. The gym, the car, I mean, maps. Right. We are, they have tricked us for this ding distraction device. Yeah, and they've lied to us. You say every guy deserves to be fathered.
• 7:30
  I guess I'm going to know the answer to this one. Were you fathered? And if not, when did you realize the gap? And what did it cost you before you named it? Yes, I had a fantastic dad. And he had blind spots. He had gaps. Because here's his story. His dad left him and his family when he was five years old.
• 7:51
  The dude just went off and started another family and never even talked to my dad or his two sisters much after that. Yeah. Horrible. So when my dad was about 10 years old, like any son, he wanted to connect with his dad. So he wrote him a letter, just hand wrote it as a 10 year old. A couple of weeks later, he gets a letter back in the mail and he's all excited because he's thinking, all right, dad wrote me back. He opens the letter. It's his letter.
• 8:15
  And his dad had taken a red pen and marked up all the grammar mistakes and all the spelling mistakes and just mailed it right back. That was his response. So from that point on, they never had a relationship. And I never got to meet my granddad on that side because they just, they never had it. But two men stepped up and fathered my dad. Just they saw him. This was Jacksonville, little beach town at that time. And they saw this little kid running around, skipping school, surfing the waves, and they thought,
• 8:42
  Where's that dude's dad? Because at that point, when my dad was growing up, everybody had a dad around. It was weird to see somebody that didn't. And so those two guys, they fathered my dad and turned him into the man that he was. And so, yeah, I've thankfully got a great dad because of those two dudes, and I'll forever be grateful for them. So that's why I want other people to mentor younger people themselves.
• 9:04
  Yeah, man, I wish... I walked into my dad shooting up heroin, and then he died when I was 22. And I never really got to... I remember my dad when I was really, really young. Yeah. And I just...
• 9:20
  To this day, I'm 50 years old. I either sometimes I wake up in the morning and I say, I wish I could talk to my dad today. Yeah. I want to tell him something cool. And I missed out on that. And I missed out on the mother and I missed out on the childhood. And I'm not saying that, oh, my God, feel bad for me. But I just want to understand how things that you think aren't working out for you actually do. But I want to highlight your book again, because I want to say what what an amazing dude you are, because guys, we're going to talk a lot about his book Tough Enough here. But this is what Trey is.
• 9:49
  So he sends me the book and I kept this handwritten note. I can't believe you kept this. This is what kind of people he is. He writes a handwritten note. And by the way, he drove here today. So this dude, he's got a million and a half followers, but he's salt of the earth. And I'm grateful you are. He says, Kelly, you are the man. Thanks for being willing to read this. Looking forward to more adventures with you, Trey.
• 10:15
  I'll keep this forever. And one day we're old and gray. I'll pull this up and go, this is what started us. You didn't know me from anybody, but I grabbed your book. I read it and it was beautiful. And now we're here to talk about it. So let's get even more deep. Man, that hits me, bro. I'm about to tear up right here on this tough guy podcast here. I did that to butter you up for the next question. So, all right. You were addicted to sex. Yes, sir.
• 10:44
  Most therapists hide that. Yep. What made you decide to put it on the table? And what's the version of that story you still haven't fully told? Oh, whoo. I hadn't had that second question before. You're going to throw me a curve ball here. Okay. The reason that I started telling this story is because nobody can relate to perfection. Like,
• 11:03
  I grew up, so a little bit more about my dad and how I grew up. He was the head of a school, and it was a fairly prominent school in the area that we lived. And so people just knew me growing up, and I didn't know them. But as a kid, I just kind of took away the perception that, like, since a lot of people know me and I don't know them, I better just look like I have it all together. Like, nobody ever told me that. Common dude stuff. Yeah, exactly. And so that just stayed in me because I didn't know it was in there. It was just like a piece of software running under the hardware, but...
• 11:33
  As I became an adult, I was like, okay, I've got all these screw ups, but I still have this need to look like I'm perfect and look like I've got it all together. And just, I never connected deeply with people with that whole approach. And so somebody told me one time, they said, hey, you can either be respected or you can be real.
• 11:51
  I'm like, all right, well, if their version of respect means like success and achievement and looking like you have it all together, I'm like, that's probably not the kind of respect I'm looking for. So I'm like, I won't just try being real. I'm going to go first and give other people the gift of going second.
• 12:06
  And when I started doing that, that opened up a door for true connection and then a whole another level of respect. Because then when you're real, nobody really cares your accomplishments because you make them feel understood. Like, even if my flaws aren't your flaws, if I expose mine first...
• 12:23
  You're over there sitting like, oh, now I can expose mine because we're all eager to talk about our mess ups and our screw ups without being judged. And so that's why I tell that story. And your second question was a story I haven't fully told. The story I haven't fully told is I'm not fully over the demons of that addiction. Like it is right under the surface. Some people talk about their addictions and I don't know if I believe them or not, where they're like, I fully kicked it. I don't have any more temptations and like, it's done. I'm like, hmm.
• 12:49
  Maybe maybe there's some people that actually have that going on. But for me, it is at any moment I could go right back to it. So I heard somebody say this one time. They said look I'm a dog not in a good sense of the word. I'm like I can get In all kinds of awful trouble, but i'm a dog because i'm a dog on a leash And I know what my limits are and i've got accountability to keep me within my limits but
• 13:13
  I still break my limits. Sometimes I still break through my accountability because that, that part of me that wants me to go back to that addiction is still there. I've just got other areas that are more fulfilled and going back to that long-term satisfaction. Like enough parts of me know that the long-term is the way to go.
• 13:32
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on Lowe's.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 14:01
  So there's people listening to this going, whoa, that's me. And I'll be honest, you went first. That was me. And it probably still is me too. I'm with you. When you just said that, it's right there. I have done massive amounts of work on myself. And I keep asking, where does sex work into the healing? So you're...
• 14:22
  The therapist. Tell us. Like what. Where does this. The sex addiction work into your unhealed parts? Yeah. For distraction. It can be distraction. But usually it's more about getting the win. Yeah.
• 14:37
  Like it's about the rejection from the past. And then we think that getting the girl to say yes is going to somehow at least temporarily fix that part of us that got rejected earlier in life. And, you know, if you ask most guys, the actual act of the sex, like, yeah, it's fun, but
• 14:53
  The apex of feeling good was getting her to say yes to the whole thing. Okay, you're right. Yep, I can vouch for that. Yeah, so like the short version, and we can go as deep as you want. No, no, please go deep because I don't think anybody on this show, we're only 250 deep, has gone deep in this. And this is something that everybody needs to hear because I don't battle it.
• 15:18
  I just don't put myself in situations where I have to make a choice. And I don't drink or do drugs. It makes it a lot easier. If I had a drink,
• 15:26
  I'd be running around the freaking building knocking on doors. Like, where's that hot chick? And it was the thrill of the chase and the win. And as soon as I knew it, I was like, I don't even want to go through with the act. I did. But it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy. I had this hole in my heart. And no matter how many women I batted, I couldn't fill that hole. I had to fill it with love and self-love.
• 15:56
  Yeah, yeah. That's it. I'd look in the mirror and go, I've got to fill this. And what I was trying to do was fill the love of the void of my mom and dad. Yes. And it wasn't working. And I left a carnage of people. And anybody in Detroit that's listening to this, they'll know. And I'm not proud of that. I talked about it on the last podcast. I'm not proud of that. I heard, you know, Trey, you're lucky you don't have, I got a daughter. Mm-hmm.
• 16:23
  So when you get, when, when God gave me a daughter, I said, Oh my Lord. Yeah. Yeah. This is a karma coming full circle. And then I started thinking all the things that I did that I said, all right, the beauty part about it is that I knew exactly what every guy's going to try. She's now of an age. She has boyfriend. I'm like,
• 16:41
  Mm-hmm. That's why I keep banging. Spooning that gun at you. So, anyways, go deep into it, please. Yeah. Because there's people listening to this. We've never talked about this to you. Okay. So, I'll tell my story, and then you can probably broaden it out from there. Because everybody has a different root story, but it's generally the same kind of root. So, for me, it was rejection. So, when I was in fourth grade, I was the only new student at my elementary school. I had moved from Florida to Tennessee, Tennessee.
• 17:07
  Everybody had been together since kindergarten. I was the new guy. I walk up to gym class. They're sitting on the gym floor in a circle talking to each other. And I'm nervous, like, are they going to accept me? Am I going to fit in? You know, all the stuff we worry, even at our age, probably still. So I walk up and there's one guy. He turns his head to look up at me in the circle and he goes, damn, I'm glad I'm not looking into a mirror right now. And at that moment, I was like,
• 17:37
  Because number one, looking back, that's pretty clever insult from a fourth grader. Right. But in that moment, I was like, oh, my gosh, the very first interaction I had with these new kids, I get rejected. And everybody's laughing, guys and girls both laughing like at me. I mean, if there was a hole in the floor, I would have loved to have dropped into it.
• 17:55
  But I had no idea that that stuck with me. Like there's there's a bunch of traumas that we have. There's big T traumas or little T traumas, but it's a lot of the little T traumas that start stacking up into some pretty big effects. So like I talk to a lot of guys and I want to hear their story because it's usually those first 10 years of your life that kind of shapes the rest.
• 18:13
  And I ask them, like, hey, tell me some of the best things that have happened to you and tell me some of the worst things. And most of them can't tell me any of the any of the top five major traumas that that you could have. So they think, well, like, I'm fine. There's no there's no negative experiences. I'm like, well, yeah, you don't have the major stuff, but a lot of the little stuff like the story I just told can stick with you. So going back to that.
• 18:34
  I didn't know that that memory stuck with me because here's what happens. It's not really the events that keep us stuck. It's what we think about the events. It's like the message that we interpret from the event. The meaning we attach to it. Yeah, the meaning we attach to it. And so looking back, I realized I believed at least two or three things. Number one, I must be ugly. You take that and you put it at like age 20. I'm like, I'm going to prove I'm not ugly. I'm going to get every single girl to say yes. Yes.
• 19:02
  And I didn't even know that was running under the surface, but that was really part of the drive. Another thing was anytime I'm the new guy in a situation, I'm probably going to get rejected. So just avoid being the new guy at all costs. Or if you can't avoid being the new guy, just don't attract any attention to yourself. Just be the wallflower and listen.
• 19:21
  I look back, I'm like, a lot of my middle school years, a lot of my high school years was spent just trying not to get rejected, just playing it safe. And that's one of the reasons I'm so big on like, no, take risks, push against that thought, because that's the thought that's trying to move you toward distraction and escape. But...
• 19:37
  That's at least my story, but it's usually some sort of injury. I hate calling it trauma, but that's the word that most people go by. But it's usually some sort of injury from the past that leaves that message inside you, that message you attach to the event. And then those are the sunglasses you're wearing, that filter you're wearing through any future experience. And until you realize it, that's just normal life for you.
• 20:02
  I'm going to get into that injury stuff because I actually love that. I wrote a whole question on it. We're going to get to that next. But I want to just realize something. I love doing this show because y'all are healing me. Literally. I just realized it was fourth grade when I was called Smurf. Oh, yeah. Remember the Smurfs? Yeah. So I didn't think I was big enough or worthy enough. And I was already getting that. That. Yeah.
• 20:28
  You're not worthy at home. Yeah. Over and over and big T and little T. And then what I...
• 20:35
  What I did is the biggest dude that called me Smurf, I called him out and I said, we're gonna fight. And I was small, but I was full. And we fought right in front of the school and I laid this kid out. And I'm a little, he's huge. I, there's nothing like being full of piss and vinegar. Knocked this dude straight out and went, oh, I'm super powerful. But what stuck with me was,
• 21:03
  violence. Yeah. And so I have a question about that. If you didn't like putting yourself in new situations and be the new guy, how would you pick up women? Because you have to approach women. I know. To go up to this. So you leaned into your fear. I did. Something clicked around, I want to say freshman year of college. And I realized like I started working out. I started getting attention because of the working out. And then I realized how that works.
• 21:29
  Yeah, exactly. So like you get a little bit of that. Yeah. And so I just thought, okay, well, the quest for that acceptance is more beneficial than what's going to hold me back in terms of the fear. You know, you always have to have something bigger than the fear. And unfortunately, it became that I got over the fear, but I was chasing something else that was going to end up hurting me further in the long run. So were you drinking and doing drugs or anything?
• 21:53
  No, my addiction was the actual chase and the physical act of it. But thankfully, the substance part, like there's I'm a little bit of a control freak. And I think that helps me to stay away from some of the substances just because I don't like that feeling of giving my brain control over to some other substance. And especially now as a therapist, if I if I drink something or smoke something that's going to take away my filter, a lot of people are going to go down because I got a lot of people's secrets in my head.
• 22:22
  I try to keep it controlled. Don't strike that out. So something I learned was I wasn't addicted to alcohol. I was addicted to the women. Yeah. It was sex. Yep. Because alcohol to me was the gateway to the sex. Yes, sir. Because if you go where the alcohol is, that's where the vagina usually is too. And then people's inhibitions get things. And it was so easy.
• 22:51
  And so that's and it's it's funny after I eliminated the alcohol. I'm like, wait a minute. There's still some work to do. But I want to go into that that term injury. Yeah. Use the term injury instead of trauma, which I love.
• 23:06
  That's a deliberate clinical choice. Yep. What shifts in a man when he stops calling his past trauma and starts calling it an injury? And is there a point where that reframe because it's becomes its own form of avoidance? I literally struggled with that. I'm like, I like it.
• 23:28
  But it does feel like I'm spinning it. I call it a reframe in the question, but it feels like I'm spinning it. In other words, you were avoiding calling it trauma? Or what were you avoiding? I'd never heard of it before. I call it trauma. Right. But everybody labels it trauma. Right. You said injury, and I'm like, oh, I like that. But I'm like, wait a minute. Are we just...
• 23:48
  Are we just renaming it to make it sound softer? Right. And that's why I asked you the question. So what does your clinical research and mind say about that? What I've found is if you'll fully own something in yourself, you can fix it. And it doesn't matter what we call it, right? Right. Jesus. You just said that to a boof. Shut up, Kelly. Okay.
• 24:12
  Well, I have to talk to myself that way. Oh, man. Do you speak like that? I do. Oh, man. If I said some of the things I say to myself out loud, you guys wouldn't like me. Yeah. Is there more? Do you want to talk? Is it any kind of a form of avoidance at all? Am I just the thoughts magical lie in my head?
• 24:30
  I think, first of all, I'm glad you're looking for possible avoidance. That's always good to be looking for. But, I mean, if you've already acknowledged the stuff that you needed to work on and own and then go through whatever healing from, you did your job. Thank you for saying that because, you know, I don't give myself enough grace. Yeah. That's one of the biggest things, especially for high achievers like you is like,
• 24:54
  That word enough is the moving goalpost. Like, no matter how hard you hustled or how much achievement you got, like, still just keep beating yourself up because there's not enough achievement to actually, like, feel like, okay, now I'm enough. True, true. Not enough women, not enough drugs, not enough booze, not enough achievement, not enough money. Yeah, yeah. I'm being facetious, guys. That's the issue. Moderation, man, moderation. Yeah, all those things are great. Like, yeah.
• 25:22
  Money is great and success is great and relationships with women is great. Health, sex is great. But how are we using it and what are we expecting it to do for us? That's where it can get us off track. I want you guys to understand where I'm blazing through this book. Get out and read it, even though we're covering a lot of it. I'm leaving some good things, just the things that really hammered my heart. So you men that...
• 25:43
  that follow me religiously. Get out and read this book, it's good. Trey's the real deal, he's not trying to be anybody, he's not, and you talk about the five whys, it's so funny, I just realized it's your book that I got these five whys from. I thought it was, I'm reading The Body Keeps the Score right now, and I used it in the last interview, and I said, where did I hear this five whys?
• 26:07
  I don't remember that from the body he just scored. It's your book. So you talk about the five whys. It's digging to the root cause of a trigger. Yep. Walk the listeners through an actual five why chain from a real client or me. We can do it together. Not the sanitized version. The one where the fifth why.
• 26:26
  made someone go silent. Okay. And I can role play with you or you can just change the name and tell me something. Let's role play it if you want to. Let's do it. Now, I can't promise that it's going to be exactly five because sometimes it's three. You've done so much work, you can probably get to the root. But I'll play along. Yeah, there we go. Well, I'll say this. With guys who haven't done the work, it takes sometimes even more than five. But five is just a nice number to at least shoot for. Okay. I liked it, by the way. That's why I brought it up. Guys, it's in the book. It's...
• 26:54
  Let's do it. Okay, so just so people who are watching know, the general idea here is a guy will come to me with some sort of thing he's trying to change. I'll give you one. Yeah, tell me. Why am I still trying to protect that eight-year-old? Ooh, okay, we're going to extra deep. Okay, I like this. I'm protecting everybody, including my employees at NTM, but I'm really just trying to protect myself, and I don't know why. I'm working on it as hard as I possibly can. Okay, let me ask you this. In the past,
• 27:24
  Why have you had to protect yourself from anything, whether it was from eight years old or at any point? Because I would get beat. Mm-hmm. Okay. Like, physically, like, pummeled. Man. Not just a smack in the face. Like, beat, drowned. So I tiptoed. Yeah. It meant...
• 27:45
  and there was a few times I thought I was going to die that I probably should have died. And I, I, somebody came out, Steven was reminding me that, you know, my sister saved my life once, a flailing arm saved my life once. And, uh, you know, it's, it's, it truth be told, it scares the bejesus out of me. I don't want to die. I got a lot to live for. Yeah. All right. Why do you have a lot to live for? I asked that eight year old this morning and he said, uh,
• 28:15
  I went through all this so you pay it forward. So stop playing small. Go do what you're doing. So it's to pay it forward. And I know that's the flashy thing, but I didn't choose this podcast, I didn't choose the book, it just came out of me. Wow. Got you stopped going. This is good. Normally people can't get this deep this quick. So why?
• 28:41
  Why were you playing small? Or are you still playing small? I'm still playing small. I'm still playing small, yeah. Let me just say that. It's hard to say that, admitting a weakness. But I'm better at it. I'm playing small. And small is, I wouldn't say safe. I'm playing safe. I don't want to upset the cart. So the question was, why am I playing small? That's what I started with you. Why? I don't know. I'm playing. What does it mean is I'm just trying to keep the peace.
• 29:10
  Yeah. A lot of time we can flip it to this. This why game can flip to what? What is that part of you that wants to play it safe? What is it trying to keep from happening? What's it afraid of?
• 29:24
  afraid of upsetting my angry mother and stepfather and get beat again okay and if i just played quiet kept everything's quiet then everything would be hopefully peaceful yeah okay i'm trying to obtain peace okay so and in doing so i'm not obtaining any i'm very chaotic and frustrated
• 29:47
  Yeah. Where's that coming from? The chaos and the frustration. Because I'm not living up to my potential. Okay. So you got one part that wants to keep the peace. Holy shit, they're conflicting. Oh, so keep going. No, this is on you. You got this. Come on. That's where the freaking, the fighting is happening. The two are completely polar opposites. One's got to be killed off.
• 30:14
  So either peace or progress. Oh, Jesus. I hate you already. He's good, people. He's good. He's good. Can I offer a different perspective on the two parts? The natural instinct, especially for us guys, is to find those conflicting parts and then find the one that's holding up the progress and don't want to kill it. That's a natural inclination. Which I just did.
• 30:38
  Yeah, but this happens to all of us. And when I started doing my work, I had the same inclination. But when we try to kill the part that's holding us back. I think I know what you're going to say. Tell me. I got to lean into that. Yes, sir. That's how I got to do more of it. And it's the peace. Yeah.
• 30:53
  Oh. Tell me more about the peace for a second. What do you mean? The being more peaceful, being more stagnant, being more calm and letting things happen instead of trying to make things happen. And just enjoy that little boy wanted peace. Yeah. And never got it. So now, what do I want? So I'm trying to do peace.
• 31:18
  To create peace when it's just saying, hey, if you just sit and be, you'll be peaceful. And it's just so familiar, I'm creating my familiar misery. Got it. That's a win right there. That's wild, man. You guys got to really... I've been stuck on that for a while. I've been talking with my other coach and I just got to sit. I've been set at peace, peace, peace.
• 31:44
  Yeah, well, and you know, a lot of people, they'll chase peace or some people, like you ask a lot of guys like, hey, what do you want out of life? And they'll say, oh, I want peace or I want happiness. Those are two words I hear a lot. It's hard ones to obtain because they're not, there's no number or such. They're very...
• 32:00
  Objective. There's no subjectiveness. There's no this is when you achieve peace, right? No finish line Yeah, and so what I try to ask him is I'll ask him that okay What would it look like for you to know you've achieved peace or happiness and then? And then I'll ask him because they can never answer the question But then I asked him what are you doing to attain the peace or the happiness and they're like, I'm just trying to get it Let me blow your mind more. Do you know that I'm peaceful and happy right now good. And what do I do? create the freaking
• 32:30
  The opposite. Yeah. By chasing after what I've already got. Yes. Break that down for me. I'm chasing the mythical thing that I already have. And if I just be...
• 32:43
  Dude, I live a really good life. I mean, I was in Costa Rica last week. I was in Detroit with my daughter, loving on her all week, and then boom, I'm down here with you, and I just got frickin' amazingness. He's taking pictures. So tell me about that for a second.
• 33:01
  You're peaceful in the moment right here, and you're happy in the moment right here. But then there's that part that's wanting to drive. What is it looking for that's creating chaos? Or what is it trying to create? It's not creating chaos. What is it trying to do? It's trying to make massive impact. There's something calling me. I didn't go through, like that little eight-year-old boy. I didn't go through all this. So the meaning, I went through EMDR therapy. Man, this is a...
• 33:27
  You're flipping the script on me right here. I went through EMDR therapy and the meaning that I, and you know, it's, you have to assign logic to something that's illogical. Right. Meaning to something that's illogical. And that beating that I, that my mom gave me on my birthday.
• 33:43
  where she almost killed me. And literally, I could see her today. She's punching me square in the face, as hard as I've ever been hit. My mom was really muscular. My friends called her American Gladiator because she worked out like a fiend. That's where I probably got my body from. And she was pummeling me.
• 34:02
  And it was, she kept saying, fix it, fix it, because I had broken this earphone that my dad had bought me for my birthday. And she was so drunk. She didn't know it was just broken and you couldn't fix it. And she's pummeled. Fix it, fix it, fix it. And I'm boom, boom. And I'm nose busted. And then she stops and starts gouging my eye.
• 34:26
  And out of nowhere, the door comes bust and open. My sister punches her in the face. My sister had moved out because she was the one that was getting beat. So she bolted and then happened to come back for my birthday because she wanted to check and make sure I wasn't getting beat. Thank God she was there because I'd be dead. I couldn't understand
• 34:46
  my mother who's supposed to love me, would try to kill me. So the meaning I assigned with it in EMDR, and I literally, I had to go two full sessions, and it was, I'm gonna make you tougher, I'm gonna make you harder than life, and a life that's going to be hard and it's unfair. And that's the only way I could process it. It took three hours.
• 35:16
  to process that. And that's all I could do. I could only put, the only meaning I could put to that was we're going to make you toughest, toughest nails. So, and, and I'm tough as nails. So what do I do? I want to pay it forward. And, and then I create toughness and when it doesn't need to be tough. Ah, okay. Okay. I just need to keep saying to myself, uh,
• 35:36
  It's not, it's not tough. It doesn't need to be tough. I'm not trying to use a pun here. I don't want to use a pun here, but is it possible that there's a part in you that thinks if I could just get tough enough, then my mom would stop beating me? Well, probably is why I'm so big now because nobody can beat me. Yeah. I mean, it's part of it. Probably. Okay.
• 36:03
  Ain't nobody going to beat me anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I beat me. Mm-hmm. Exactly. And can I give you a reason to not beat yourself going back to giving yourself grace? Please do. You guys are seeing a massive.
• 36:17
  this is so good thank you welcome to the Kelly Siegel therapy session this is so fun I'm so thankful that you let me do this because what I'm going to say in terms of giving you a reason to pat yourself on the back and give yourself some grace is two things the fact that you're telling me all this is courageous because to talk about stuff like this it takes guts like
• 36:39
  To admit stuff that we went through, that takes enough guts. To admit our own weaknesses, that takes guts. Because I know it's scary, and you can't be courageous unless you're scared. So you're doing it. And the fact that you can tell your story and those violent stories in such detail while staying present. It's funny you're saying that because that's why I'm struggling. He's laughing at me. My producer's laughing at me because he's like, I need your stories in detail more. But I did that because I'm working hard.
• 37:07
  very hard on that exactly because i've sugar-coated it because i was afraid that i would scare people away yeah so yeah thank you for for saying all that and i'm working on it man well it's showing because most people that went through what you went through they wouldn't be able to even talk about it at all much less with the detail that you went went into and if they did talk about it in such detail they'd probably fall apart emotionally in the moment and
• 37:33
  you showed the hard work you've done is paying off because you're able to tell it and stay present. Thank you. I received that, man. I don't care what you say. You need...
• 37:43
  We need attaboys. And not only do you need attaboys, you need checkpoints where it shows that you're winning. We were just talking about that with the last guest, where it's like, right when you make a massive change, the first feedback you get is always negative. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, oh, why is it? And that's the test to see how bad you want it. That's right. So the first, you say, I'm not gonna do this anymore, and then all of a sudden, it's just, life gets bad.
• 38:08
  And then when you get through that, then the good stuff happens. Exactly. And that part of us, by the way, that when we start initially trying to make changes, there's always that resistance. It is a test and you can interpret it that way. That's great. What's going on neurobiologically is...
• 38:23
  our brain is always wanting safety and therefore it wants predictability. So if something is predictable and pretty certain based on the past, it's going to want to stick there because it thinks, well, at least that it's kind of like the devil, you know, is better than the devil. You don't know. And if I can stay with what's
• 38:41
  predictable and comfortable, then we're good. But if you start trying to change your habits, even if long term, it's going to be beneficial, that part of you say, no, no, it's dangerous because it's unpredictable. So if you can have some grace for that part of yourself, too, that will help. I've said it a million times. What's
• 38:58
  good for you feels horrible at first. Yeah. And what's bad for you feels really good at first. It's like, think about going to the gym. You're like, nobody wants to go to the gym. But when you leave, you're like, sweet. Yeah. This one rocked me as well. You write that we can only love others to the heights we've been loved.
• 39:17
  That's a ceiling, not a floor. What happens to the man who was never loved well? Does Tough Enough actually have an answer for him or just a framework he can intellectualize without ever feeling? Ooh, okay. Yes, the book is gonna take you through the process of what it's gonna take to get what you needed
• 39:38
  into your body. When I say your body, I mean your nervous system. Because I think what you just alluded to in the question is, when you intellectualize stuff, you're only living in your head. And you're not living in your body. And if you can integrate the mind and the body, then the engine's running like it should. But for so long, I was living just from the neck up, and I had no idea what was going on physically in my body. But all those sensations that we feel, the things that we try to distract ourselves from, those are like check engine lights in the car.
• 40:06
  any kind of uncomfortable sensation, whether it's like anxiety or anger or whatever, that's just a check engine light that means, hey, check under the hood. Something needs some attention. So if you're trying to actually bring a solution, it can't just be new thoughts and new information. So I put specific tips in there to help guys get the information actually into the body because I didn't want to write just a typical men's self-help book because it's just more information. No, it wasn't. It was good. So yeah, I appreciate it. You spoke right to me as you're seeing because we're sharing it.
• 40:36
  in depth is that why when you're in therapy they ask you where do you feel the pain and what color it is yes sir get the hell out of here i was like what does it matter what color it is right and it all because to me it was always in my heart and it was always a red or yellow ah yeah yeah
• 40:55
  Why are you asking me to say damn question? Probably because it's this safe life keeps sending you that lesson until you learn it. Yeah. And that was me being stubborn and thinking I didn't. I just put two and two together. Well, and on that point, and this is this in the book too, but like the tip people can do on their own. They don't even have to read the book for this part, but we'll give it away for free. If you'll find that part of your body, like your therapist was taking through with you
• 41:17
  It's what it's doing is it's telling that part that like, hey, I'm listening. And therefore, since I'm listening, you're free to basically leave. You don't rush it out. But like when we don't listen to it, it's getting all like he's got to he's got to hear us. He's got to hear us. And then when we finally just close your eyes for 30 seconds and just watch that part, like if it's in your heart and then ask it like, OK, what color is it? What shape is it? If it had a temperature, what would it be?
• 41:44
  The questions aren't really the point. The point is to engage with that part enough to like loosen it and let it dissipate. Cause if you just watch it long enough sets of like 30 seconds, try it four or five sets of 30 seconds. You'll I guarantee you'll notice if it's in your heart, it's probably going to move around. It's probably going to get bigger, smaller. It's probably going to at least start to ease up, but it might get more intense at first, but you can't quit when it gets more intense. Cause getting more intense means it's like, Oh,
• 42:12
  Oh, he's listening. We can actually like dissipate because it really is trying to leave your body. It's just a chemical. And if you'll tune into it, then it'll leave eventually. I've said in the past, so right when I would feel a feeling, I subconsciously, unconsciously, I would go pour a scotch. Yeah. And it was like the second scotch. Yep.
• 42:35
  I've said repeatedly, if you can just sit in that feeling, it will last shorter than it'll take you to pour, drink that scotch, and feel. Yeah. So you just said 30 seconds. How long does a feeling, an emotion, an intense, visceral response typically last? Max three minutes. Yeah, that's what I've read multiple, three freaking minutes. You can sit,
• 43:03
  HCL Nation, I'm telling you, sit still for three minutes. Usually, I'm going to steal his thunder. It's 30 seconds. Right. Three minutes would be the max. 30 seconds. If you actually feel it, if you push it away, it will last the three minutes. It may stay longer. Yep. I stole that. No, no, no. That's good. A little bit of work. And if you can name it. Yeah.
• 43:26
  that'll actually dissipate it a little bit more. So three minutes to get through it, guys. We can do three. I always say I can do an hour of anything. Yeah. So three minutes. But some, you know, some guys, and for me, three minutes used to sound horrifyingly scary. So just start with 30 seconds or hell, start with 10 seconds and then build it up. One time I was in a,
• 43:48
  really bad spot and I knew I needed something drastic. It wasn't gonna take like a 30 minute meditation. It was gonna take a lot more. So I went on an eight hour walk where it was just silence, no phone, no ear pods, nothing. And it was, the first two hours were so uncomfortable. I wanted to quit so bad.
• 44:05
  but I pushed through cause I knew like on the other side of this, I'm going to feel better. And eight hours later I felt so much better. It wasn't perfect by any means, but like the stuff that was swirling and the volcano that was erupting, it was so much more chill. So just start small. You don't have to do the eight hours, but like don't wait until you need eight hours, eight hour walk. That's insane. I little known thing. I don't, I don't think I've ever said this where you guys are pulling this out of me today. Um,
• 44:32
  I believe that the pandemic happened for me because that's when I did, I wrote the book. It's when I started the podcast. I was forced to be alone with my thoughts. And in Michigan, we were one of the states that were locked down. So I sat there and cried and cried and bawled in tears and there was no outlet. Now there was a whole, I have a full bar in my house, so there was a bar I could have drank, but it just felt like,
• 45:03
  It was weak. I'll be full blunt. It was a bitch way out of it. And I was like, nope. And having that sitting there as temptation and me staring at me and me not doing it, it build resilience in me that I know I can do anything.
• 45:20
  Bro, I bet you you're probably one of a thousand people that chose that route to just sit there with the distraction of whatever, you know, in your case, it was the alcohol, but it was right there for the taking. And you chose to sit in the uncomfortableness of it. That's I mean, I'm looking at my own clients. Yeah. 999 of them. Think about it. This trade. We go to the gym. When do you get the best gains?
• 45:44
  Yeah, that's true. When it hurts. When it hurts. Yeah. Ooh, I just figured out that that's also how I grew up. You know, I was taught love hurts. Yeah. Ugh, no. Yeah. No. And with that in mind, and this is for somebody I can kind of sense it, your mom did all that horrible stuff to you.
• 46:06
  But unless tell me if I misunderstood you, but her intention for you was to help you. That's the meaning that I assigned to it. What do I think? I think she I'm going to say some really harsh things, but this is my truth.
• 46:21
  she was an uneducated hillbilly, alcoholic, drug addict, and that's how they did life. And they didn't know anybody. She grew up in a family the same way. So she just repeated the pattern, and I broke the cycle. So they didn't know anybody. She did the best she could. That was how they dealt with her.
• 46:48
  Life. Yeah. In what way am I saying it was okay? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. But I'm saying I get it. And I've forgiven them, not for them. I've forgiven them for me. I didn't move on. I gotta move on. And yeah, she just didn't know how to do anything. And that's what she was taught. Yeah. Forgiveness was the reason I asked the question. Because I can tell you don't harbor that resentment toward her. You came to that conclusion like, yeah. Yeah.
• 47:15
  Forgive her. You've got to give them the good things too. Because you know what? My stepfather was the one that taught me to get up early. The early bird gets to warm. I didn't realize this till years later, but when I quit drinking, I quit cold turkey. So did he. He modeled that behavior. Well, he went dry drunk. I didn't. I went into myself and said, I'm going to be happier and be a better everything. So there's hard work.
• 47:44
  My mom taught me to work out. I mean, you're going to give them the bad stuff. You've got to give them the good stuff. So they did. There was a lot of good. Way more bad. And the bad was so much lower than the good was. Sure. But hey, I'm here. I'm with you. Yeah. The book, freaking fabulous, man. I'm having a good time. Heck yeah. Me too.
• 48:06
  I learned this from a friend. The answers to everything we seek is in stillness, silence, and solitude. And yet we all avoid it, especially as men. And now I want to add a fourth one, which is surrender. Which is if you stay in stillness and solitude and silence, you probably will surrender.
• 48:28
  What's really happening when a man goes quiet? Not the textbook answer, the thing you see in the session that a man himself doesn't recognize he's doing.
• 48:41
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• 49:12
  One thing that hits me hard is there's a Bible verse that says, be still and know that I'm God. And I cling to that. Yeah. Tell me more. What's that? Oh, that just hit me. Be still. God said that, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Psalm 4610. I believe. Is that Old Testament? Old Testament. I believe we're all made in the image and likeness of God. Yeah. I believe we are a God-like. Yeah. You just spoke to me.
• 49:40
  God just came down and said that. Thank you. Thank you. Say it one more time. Be still and know that I am God.
• 49:49
  Be still and know that I'm God. All right. Yeah. And that may be the whole reason we got together as friends. That may be it right there. But the reason I cling to that is because I learned that a lot of times what happens in English in the Bible, it doesn't fully describe what it's trying to say. So I went geek mode. I looked into the Hebrew, which is the language of the Old Testament. And that word, be still, that word we translate as be still, it doesn't mean just don't move.
• 50:15
  It means literally take your clenched fists and release your grip. And that means that kind of stillness. Like, so you're really saying surrender. Exactly. Exactly. Cause look at this, look at the picture. Like my hands are turned upward. I'm like, I'm here to let go, but I'm also here to receive. You know, that's a big thing too, is that that's the universal sign that you're here in peace. Yes. If you open your palms to people,
• 50:38
  That means you're not a threat. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know Krav Maga, the fighting style? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do know. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So one of the things they teach. What's his name? Hoist Gracie? Yeah, Gracie. Yeah. So one of the things they teach, first thing they teach is this is your actually, your fighting stance because you're saying, hey, I don't want any trouble. Please step back. But from here, you can either close your fist and throw the punch quickly, or you can throw the palm here, heel. But right there is like...
• 51:07
  Exactly, you gotta grab. So yeah, exactly, like peace first, but also you're ready to fight if you need to. Wow, Dre, you're blowing my mind, bro. I just thought of something. If someone's listening to this, and we're, I don't know, 40 minutes into this right now, and they're like, give me more, give me more, I don't know what to do. We're talking about concepts.
• 51:30
  Let's drill down to the average listener. Not the average. It's the normal freaking dude that we used to be. And we are. Still are. Like if they're listening and they're like, how Kelly and Trey, how do you stand still? And how do you. How? Yeah.
• 51:45
  Number one, start short, start small. Just any kind of progress is great. Again, like I said, if it's 10 seconds of just being still and turning inward, that's awesome. That's something you didn't do before. So celebrate it. Anything that we celebrate is going to get repeated, both good stuff and bad stuff. So we can go all into that. But start small. And then two,
• 52:06
  Keep it simple in terms of this. Here's a little first exercise I give a lot of guys. It's like, tune in, just get quiet. What are the negative thoughts that immediately start flowing up? Because the reason we don't want to go to silence is because we're avoiding those negative thoughts. So what are those top two or three negative thoughts that we're trying to avoid? Write them down.
• 52:26
  Cause when you write them down, they're, they're tiny. They like, when you see them like, Oh, that's not that scary. But when they're just in our head, it seems like this tornado inside that we, we get overtaken by. But when we get it visual, it's like, Oh, that's it. That's not that bad. And then step three is take that thought and replace it with some version of gratitude. What am I, what am I thankful for? We can't believe we're this far into it. We haven't talked about gratitude yet.
• 52:51
  Yeah. So that that's the easiest little exercise I can give you to start to just start out and then it can go deeper from there. I want to ask a couple more questions about this book because one of them is about resilience. And I don't think there's a more resilient. Well, maybe Goggins is more resilient than me. But chapter two says that there are no limit to the resilience we can develop.
• 53:13
  I don't buy it. Where's the ceiling? And what happens to the man who believes there isn't one and pushes until something breaks that he can't rebuild?
• 53:23
  All right, tell me that again. This was literally me. This is why I said it. So I don't buy that there's no ceiling to our resilience. Okay. Where is the ceiling and what happens to the man who believes there isn't one and pushes until something breaks that he can't rebuild? Push.
• 53:44
  Push until something happens. That's what it stands for for me. Persist until something happens. Okay. And when you say something breaks, what do you mean by that? Something breaks and you can't rebuild it. So, like, I've thought about this. Like, there's been times when I've been real close to what I would assume would be a panic attack.
• 54:01
  What if that turned into a hard attack? I don't know. So it's something that you can't come back from because I keep pushing, pushing, pushing. Okay. All right. So let me take this angle and you tell me if it resonates.
• 54:17
  when we figure out why we're pushing, then that usually can tell us where the ceiling is. Because if I'm pushing in order to prove myself or to achieve a new level of whatever it was, then yeah, there's a ceiling. If I'm pushing because I'm here to make a difference and I'm already celebrating who I am and the fact that I'm good enough and all the things, then there is no limit because I'm just here to spread the good stuff that's already in me.
• 54:44
  So have fun while we're doing it. That's literally what I heard. Have fun. Have more fun. There you go. This is a great therapy session. Do the worst things first. That's your daily operating rule. Yeah. Give me the full system. And what do you, does your first two hours of the day look like? What's the decision architect or what happens on the days you don't follow it?
• 55:04
  Yeah. Oh, that's good. So I try to do little things tough. Like if I have a water bottle, I'm right handed. I'm going to open it with my left hand just because it's tougher. You and I are separated at birth. I just say brush your teeth with your left hand. Yes. It's good for your brain, too. It's so hard.
• 55:20
  It is hard, but it's so good for your brain because you're using a different part that doesn't get used very much. So it's like exercise for the brain. So, yeah. Like, okay, first 30 minutes, I don't get on my phone. Like, I'm doing other stuff, whatever it is, eating, exercising. I just – the screen, the light from your screen in that first 30 minutes is so damaging for the rest of your day because it's zapping all your happy chemicals.
• 55:39
  No phone the first 30 minutes. And then every day is a little different in terms of whatever is hard for me. But, yeah, exercise is always part of that. If there's emails I didn't want to send, if there's stuff that I can feel like I want to put that off, I just do it. Because, like somebody told me long ago, you can separate yourself from other guys so easily if you just do the thing that you think about right in the moment. Consistently. Consistently, yeah. Persistence beats persistence hands down. Yes.
• 56:06
  So just do the hard things. I just had to. That's harder than life. That's what I do. My first two hours are insane. And that's where fulfillment comes from, right? At least partly. Accomplishment and fulfillment. And just keeping the commitment you make to yourself on that. And you talk about snooze. I don't hit snooze, you lose. Yes. I don't hit snooze. Me too. I just said it to my daughter this week. She's hitting snooze. I'm like, she's like, I have three different alarms. I go, that's loser. Sorry. I love you. That's just loser stuff. You literally start the day with a loss.
• 56:34
  Yep. Two things. Define the caveman that you break down in there.
• 56:39
  Okay, the caveman is my way of talking about the nervous system because I hate talking about scientific language and nerdy language. So the caveman is just that part of you. We talked about him before without me naming him, but it's the part of us that wants to keep you alive. It has one job. It's keep you safe, keep you alive. So cavemen are stupid, but they're pretty effective at keeping you safe. Like if you need a bodyguard, you want a freaking caveman around because he sees threat and he's going to attack the threat or help you get away from the threat. So...
• 57:06
  He doesn't care if you're happy. He doesn't care about anything else. As long as you're still breathing, he's done his job. The problem is we don't live lives that are physically dangerous much anymore. So he doesn't have a real job much. So he starts looking for things that he thinks are going to really hurt us or kill us. And then he misidentifies something. So public speaking speech, an awkward conversation, whatever it is that makes us nervous, he thinks that must be a physical danger. So...
• 57:32
  He's his language is all those uncomfortable sensations that we would call anxiety or depression or whatever. And the problem is he doesn't speak English. So we can't just tell him like, hey, shush, we got to do the thing like we talked about. Get still. Let those physical sensations do their thing. That's letting the caveman know like, hey, I hear you. Thanks for trying to help. And this is actually the direction we're going to go. But it's like it's taking him by the hand and leading him rather than yanking him.
• 57:57
  Because if you try to fight the caveman, he's like, oh, I know better. But if you be patient with him, then he'll follow you. Patient and peace. Good Lord. Last question. And I had to throw this one in there because it's a little long, but it's beautiful. Chapter 12, save 10%, give away 10%, live off of 80. You also say anytime you put never in a statement, you're heading in the wrong direction. So when a man is drowning financially and says, I'll never get out of this.
• 58:24
  What's the first behavioral shift, not the mindset shift, that actually moves the needle? The thing I've seen the most,
• 58:31
  is when you just start tracking what you've already spent. Somebody looked back over their previous week of spending and they actually saw the totals that went to food or coffee or alcohol or whatever it was. They're shocked, like 100% of the time. They're like, I spent that much on that? Like, yeah, yeah, you did. And like, I don't beat them up for it. Cause again, you beat yourself up, whatever gets attention gets repeated. So like, okay, so now you see what it is. So now what do you wanna do about it? That's where I try to help them see is like,
• 58:58
  We just don't realize what we're spending on and how much we spend. So it's pretty simple. Just same with calories. Do you count calories? No, I don't. I count protein, grams of protein. Because I'm sweating right now, burning calories. It's not my issue. I need to make sure I get enough protein. Yeah. So same idea, though. You're tracking stuff. Whether you're tracking money or protein. What you measure gets better. Yes.
• 59:23
  So I just thought of this in my head. You just download your bank statement, drop it in a chat, GVT, and say, help me save 10%. Yeah. Help me give away 10%, and how do I live off of 80%? It'll tell you. Just like that. Exactly. Be careful, though, because it isn't 100% private. All right. We've had fun. We've got to wrap it up, and we end all the shows now with rapid fire, which are...
• 59:47
  Becoming my favorite thing. So I'm going to read something to you, and I'm not going to say a word. You go one word to one sentence. Quick answer. Okay. Tough enough in one word. Solution. The lie men tell themselves most. I'm not good enough. Injury or trauma, which word does more damage when used wrong? Trauma. Distraction or discomfort, which one is actually winning right now? Comfort.
• 1:00:16
  The emotion men suppress most? Fear. You don't think it's vulnerability? Well, I would think I'd say fear because fear of the vulnerability of getting hurt. Discipline without self-awareness equals? Empty pursuit. The thing you were least tough enough for? Ooh.
• 1:00:37
  Were or are? Which one? Were. Were. Being real. Being vulnerable. Social media tool or trap for men? Trap. A man who never processes his injuries becomes? Selfish. Stuck. Selfish. All the same. Yeah. Guys.
• 1:00:59
  I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. That was a master class. I was as vulnerable as I could possibly be. I give it. Share this with our friends. I recently this week had a friend pass away. He was far too young. And he probably could have benefited from this. So have these kind of conversations. Share them with people. Men, women. Until next week, be harder than life.
• 1:01:24
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.