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Melania's Leaked Audio (Satire) and Her Most Unusual Moments · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

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  Melania Trump realized it was a bad idea to give
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  her husband her hand when she couldn't get it
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  back. And new reconstructed audio based on Melania's
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  internal thoughts has been revealed, based on
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  absolutely no evidence whatsoever. Photos of
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  the President and the First Lady emerge looking
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  a little less than thrilled to be together. Melania's
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  public appearances have been 100 % completely
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  normal in every possible way. Yeah, right. And
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  Melania was given the opportunity to make her
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  husband look great on Fox News, but decided to
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  throw him under the bus. Leading off today at
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  the tail end of President Xi's visit, out of
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  nowhere, President Trump grabs Melania's hand.
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  And then things get weird. Their hands start
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  moving back and forth for reasons that are not
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  immediately clear. It looks like Trump is moving
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  Melania's arm around while she's holding on for
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  dear life. And eventually, after what can only
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  be described as a brief hand -to -hand negotiation,
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  Melania wins back the custody of her hand. Then,
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  things seem to return to normal. Trump and Melania
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  walk off in opposite directions. She and Peng
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  are holding hands. Trump and Melania are not.
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  Everyone seems perfectly comfortable with the
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  arrangement. Until later, when this photo emerged.
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  And judging by the looks on their faces, this
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  was not exactly a Kodak moment, Trump looks absolutely
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  miserable, Melania looks just as thrilled, and
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  somehow this photo has become one of the defining
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  images of the visit. But if you've been paying
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  attention to Melania lately, you know this is
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  hardly unusual. We've gotten pretty accustomed
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  to Melania Trump's unusual public appearances.
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  Recently she was talking about the importance
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  of preserving historic architecture at the White
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  House, which sounds like a great initiative until
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  you realize the circumstances. The White House
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  stands as an architectural autobiography of America.
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  Right, an architectural autobiography that your
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  husband just demolished. So we put a nice backdrop
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  to this speech, which we think is a lot more
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  appropriate. Embodying the enduring values of
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  ambition, democracy, and civic life with its
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  design, craftsmanship, and the objects. Honestly,
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  I don't know how she does these things with a
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  straight face. Does she not see the irony here?
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  Then there was the classroom visit where she
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  didn't know what an egg was, but she asked if
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  she could put it in. I'm not kidding, here's
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  that moment. It's called an egg. That's right,
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  she looked at something that was identical to
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  an egg and asked, what is this? Go ahead and
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  put it in. Suffice it to say the vibes were off
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  between Melania and this robot. Although there
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  are plenty of other robots that Melania gets
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  along great with. I'm sure you all remember this
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  iconic moment. And just earlier this week she
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  stood next to her husband while he went after
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  CNN. It's an honor to be here. I'm surprised
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  that CNN is here covering me. The United Nations
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  allowed us in, sir. You should not be here covering
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  me. You said you weren't going to cover me. You
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  shouldn't be covering me. Two -thirds of Americans
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  don't think that the US is winning the war. While
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  Trump was sparring with Caitlin Collins, Melania's
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  facial expressions appeared to tell an entirely
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  different story, which, of course, I interpreted.
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  Case in point, here's a clip of what I think
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  Melania's internal dialogue might be based on
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  absolutely no evidence whatsoever. Don't give
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  a fuck about the UN. I'm working my ass off,
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  but I need to do it right that smell It's intolerable.
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  I can't hold his hand anymore. I said no touching
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  This is why we hired mentally Listen if he wants
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  touching my rate is going up You probably guessed
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  that's AI, but I just wanted to tell you it definitely
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  is AI, but as a lot of people noticed on the
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  internet, they know it's fake, but they still
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  think it's really funny. I'm just here doing
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  what I do best, filling in the gaps whenever
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  I get the opportunity. I said no touching. Anyway,
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  when Milani appeared on stage today and casually
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  tossed a microphone behind her back, obviously
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  I was paying attention. She didn't discreetly
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  put it somewhere, she didn't hand it to somebody,
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  she just... tossed it behind her. Every time
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  Elani appears in public, I put my popcorn in
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  the microwave. Like, remember that time she showed
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  up at inauguration dressed like the hamburglar?
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  She never disappoints. But this time, it wasn't
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  just the microphone that caught my attention,
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  it was the event itself. Melania was there to
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  launch something called Imperia. It's described
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  as a forum bringing together women who determine
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  the next decade of business. And look, helping
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  women succeed in business is obviously a good
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  thing. I wholeheartedly agree with the goal.
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  But there was something about this particular
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  event that I found interesting. Because if you're
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  launching a forum about the future of business,
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  you'd probably expect the person behind it to
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  have a fairly substantial business track record.
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  And that brings us to the Melania's fellow guest,
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  Lisa Su. Lisa Su is the CEO of AMD, and this
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  is not a woman who needs much of an introduction
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  in the business world. AMD recently crossed a
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  trillion dollar valuation under her leadership.
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  She's an engineer, she's been running one of
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  the world's most important semiconductor companies.
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  She's literally a titan of the technology industry.
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  So I'm sitting here thinking, okay, Lisa Su.
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  Melania Trump. These two are apparently here
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  to talk about the future of business, so what
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  exactly does Melania bring to the table? Well,
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  there's the architecture degree, except no there
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  isn't. Melania's biography and website once described
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  her as having studied design and architecture,
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  but reporting in 2016 found that she had not
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  actually graduated with an architecture degree,
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  so scratch that. What else? Well, she's married
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  to a very successful businessman, although of
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  course her husband has had six corporate bankruptcies.
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  So maybe that's not quite the business resume
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  we're looking for either. And then there's your
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  documentary. Amazon reportedly committed about
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  $75 million between acquiring and promoting the
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  film, and the movie opened to around $7 million
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  at the domestic box office. So that's leaving
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  about $68 million on the table to claw back just
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  to break even. Which certainly makes an interesting
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  business story. I'm just not entirely sure what
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  lesson we're supposed to take from it. Maybe
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  the movie was reading the art of the deal. And
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  of course, we also know Melania loves online
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  shopping, so she clearly understands the fundamentals
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  of commerce. She buys things, things get delivered.
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  That's business, right? I'm coming up a little
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  short here, and I'm still trying to figure out
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  what Melania Trump and Lisa Sue have in common.
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  But maybe, maybe that explains what happened
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  next. Melania came out on stage, she sat beside
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  Lisa Sue and the host, and then she tossed the
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  microphone behind her and said absolutely nothing.
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  Now I could be wrong, maybe she simply didn't
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  want to speak, maybe the microphone was in the
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  way, maybe she was just finished with it, but
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  watching the moment, I couldn't help thinking,
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  perhaps she felt a little out of place sitting
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  next to actual titans of industry, because What
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  exactly was she supposed to add? I'll play you
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  now the host acknowledging Melania's presence.
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  Thank you all so much for being here. And Madam
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  First Lady, you have brought together such a
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  concentration of female firepower here, which
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  brings together people who are not only having
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  a seat at the table, but who now will have the
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  power to change what happens at the table. So
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  congratulations on Imperial. Yay, congratulations.
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  for just sitting there? And she made a comment
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  about Milani and Lisa Su that sounded almost
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  like she was trying to convince herself. These
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  two are actually pals. It's great to have you
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  both. They're actually pals. I'm guessing she
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  used the word actually because it sounds just
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  as ridiculous to her as it did to the rest of
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  us. These two are actually pals. It's great to
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  have you both. Watching them together they looked
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  about as cozy as two strangers sharing a 45 minute
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  Uber ride. And then the host turned to Lisa and
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  started talking about all of her incredible accomplishments.
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  And that's when things got even more awkward,
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  because after talking about Lisa, the host suddenly
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  turned to Melania. And then Melania left. That's
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  it. She stood up to applause, walked off the
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  stage, and left the microphone sitting in a chair.
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  Meanwhile, the host and Lisa kept clapping as
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  they watched her go. And I have to say, I'm not
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  sure I've ever seen someone be thanked quite
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  so enthusiastically for doing quite so little.
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  And that was Melania's big appearance at a forum
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  about the future of business. A short stage appearance,
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  a microphone tossed behind her back, an implausible
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  friendship, a very generous thank you, and then...
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  an exit, finally allowing everyone to exhale.
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  I'm exhausted and I'm a lot of popcorn. I think
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  we've got a concept here for MelaniaVision because
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  I'd pay for a subscription. If this is what happens
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  every time Melania appears in public, I think
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  we've got a television network. How is the president
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  doing in Trump 2 as compared to Trump 1? But
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  that wasn't it of the unusual public appearances.
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  Melania went on Fox News to talk about the launch
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  of Imperia. which admittedly was pretty boring,
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  but that didn't last long when Melania was asked
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  a softball question and Melania responded with
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  a difficult answer. How do you see him handling
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  the job differently? He's very focused. He has
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  a lot on his plate. It's very different what's
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  going on around the world now. What's going on
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  around the world now? Oh, you mean the war that
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  he started? Yeah, that is pretty different Melania.
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  But I think he's doing the best that he can.
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  Ouch. He works non -stop. He has the most energy
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  than anybody. He's from morning till evening
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  non -stop working. Oh, she had me at the best
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  he can do. I think that's about the worst thing
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  that Melania could possibly say about Donald
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  Trump. He's doing the best he can. It implies
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  that... He doesn't really have the capacity to
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  do very well, but he is doing it at his absolute
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  best. Great, Melania. That's what we see. Absolutely.
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  Thank you so much for being here. And so are
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  you working nonstop. Melania working nonstop.
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  This is the same woman who took up to 30 days
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  off at a time from her official duties. I'm not
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  sure this is a news interview or an arm of state
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  -run propaganda. Another movie? Yeah, that's
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  right. Milani is getting ready for a two -part
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  docu -series. And the Daily Show has tried to
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  figure out what actually might be in that documentary,
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  so they put together a fun promo. In January,
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  one documentary changed the world. Here we go
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  again. And now she will change the world again.
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  Here we go again. Introducing a new Melania movie.
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  We don't have exact date yet. Sometime soon.
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  It's coming out. Any day. Any day. Prepare yourself.
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  November, maybe November. Block out November.
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  And if you think this is just another cash grab
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  like the last movie, you're wrong. It will be
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  very different what is in the movie. It could
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  be about anything. She's been talking about robots
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  a lot lately. Maybe that. The robots are here.
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  We're speculating here. So this November, maybe
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  watch Melania 2, if that's what we're calling
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  it. It's very exciting. So it's kind of exciting.
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  It's kind of exciting. Thanks for watching Breaking
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  Absurdity. And remember, don't stare into the
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  abyss alone, let's do it together. Like, subscribe,
• 11:42
  and leave a comment below. Let me know what you
• 11:44
  thought about this episode. I want to hear from
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  you.