Latest / Questionable Detour / Putting out cigarettes on your Uber Driver, what white men are truly afraid of, and putting frogs in mailboxes.

Transcript

Putting out cigarettes on your Uber Driver, what white men are truly afraid of, and putting frogs in mailboxes. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:24
  Yeah, I want to draw attention to myself, mainly because I have self-esteem issues.
• 0:28
  And it's not really because of the movements that I...
• 0:31
  Now is this why you have a guy behind you carrying a spotlight directly over you?
• 0:37
  So you're constantly in the spotlight.
• 0:38
  Yeah, he sort of follows me around, sort of like a shadow.
• 0:41
  And what's his name? He doesn't have a mic, so we can't ask him obviously.
• 0:44
  No, no, you can't ask him. His name is Tobias.
• 0:48
  He's giving Evan eyes right now. Is he looking for maybe a good-looking man in front of a mic?
• 0:54
  He told me before we got here, and I meant to bring this up to Evan before we got on the air,
• 0:58
  but I guess it's fine now, he has a crush on Evan.
• 1:01
  Oh, that's kind of sweet. What do you think about that, Evan?
• 1:03
  He said before we got here, that little Evan guy, he a cute little boy. Let me get some sugar.
• 1:09
  Wow, Tobias. He sounds a little bit different than I anticipated.
• 1:13
  What do you think about that, Evan?
• 1:15
  In fact, while we're here, Tobias, go ahead and get on the mic.
• 1:17
  Go ahead and get on the mic. You and Evan can have like a little conversation.
• 1:20
  Let's go get that going. Why not?
• 1:23
  I'd rather not, but okay, here we go.
• 1:24
  No, okay, here we go. We're here.
• 1:25
  Tobias, this is Evan. Evan, this is Tobias. I'm glad to introduce y'all.
• 1:30
  Oh, hey, Evan.
• 1:31
  Hello.
• 1:32
  Evan, why are you visibly uncomfortable?
• 1:34
  I don't know. It's just a weird situation. I've been thrusted upon me, but I'm happy to be here.
• 1:39
  I ain't thrusted upon you yet.
• 1:42
  Now, Evan, don't be rude. Ask Tobias a question.
• 1:47
  I'm not trying to date him.
• 1:49
  What's wrong with me?
• 1:50
  Now, Tobias, give me Tobias.
• 1:53
  Hold me back.
• 1:54
  Alan.
• 1:54
  Tobias, let Evan warm up. This is sprung on him.
• 1:58
  Yeah.
• 1:58
  I mean, yeah.
• 1:59
  Scared and confused. Tobias, I'm very happy to hear about your affection, but I am happily married,
• 2:05
  but I assume it's the eyebrows.
• 2:07
  That's what do it for me. Yeah.
• 2:09
  Yeah, no, it gets at all the people. They're thick and coarse and bushy.
• 2:14
  If your eyes are windows into the soul, then the eyebrows are the curtains that cover those windows.
• 2:18
  That's right.
• 2:19
  That's unfortunate. I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you.
• 2:21
  You can pick up the spotlight for Alan again and keep continuing to do your job.
• 2:25
  Thank you, Tobias. You've been very, very helpful.
• 2:28
  You've done more than enough.
• 2:32
  Evan's over here sweating.
• 2:33
  You just boosted Evan's confidence and made him.
• 2:36
  Tobias, if I can get a little of that spotlight too.
• 2:38
  Evan, you want it to be in the spotlight too?
• 2:41
  Yeah, it feels nice to be in it.
• 2:42
  So you and Alan, the spotlight's not very big, so you and Alan are very close, basically because
• 2:46
  they're in the same territory.
• 2:47
  We want to share the same spotlight.
• 2:49
  We want to share the same spotlight. He sets in my lap most episodes.
• 2:53
  That's true. That makes sense.
• 2:55
  We only have two mics here in studio.
• 2:58
  We got to make it work.
• 2:59
  You two are sitting around one mic and do a gang.
• 3:02
  Well, thank you for being here, Tobias.
• 3:04
  Thank you for shedding a light on the situation.
• 3:06
  Thank you for shedding light on the situation.
• 3:08
  Welcome to Questionable Detour, Tobias, but also welcome to Questionable Detour
• 3:12
  for people that are listening. Let's do hypotheticals.
• 3:14
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 3:19
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 3:23
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 3:25
  Okay, so in today's world, you have the option of getting onto an app and ordering a car service
• 3:31
  to take you around. So a famous one is Uber, a famous one is Lyft.
• 3:35
  And I just want to know, and maybe we'll tell the people, how do y'all normally
• 3:39
  handle that situation? Because they can be awkward.
• 3:42
  You're getting into a car with a stranger. You're paying them to take you there.
• 3:47
  You're totally at their will. So how do y'all handle riding in an Uber?
• 3:52
  The biggest thing for me in basically any social situation is I hate to,
• 3:57
  especially with the service industry, I hate to make or inconvenience anyone
• 4:02
  and make them do anything out of their way.
• 4:05
  So I just, I feel bad because someone's doing something for me and I may or may not be paying
• 4:10
  them, but to take that weight off of my shoulders and, you know,
• 4:14
  And you do everything for yourself.
• 4:16
  Yeah. Well, mainly for me. Who else would I do it for?
• 4:20
  Sure.
• 4:20
  Who else matters in this world? It's only me.
• 4:23
  I try to give back to the Uber driver, try to make sure he's not inconvenienced
• 4:28
  or as inconvenienced as little as possible. So first thing I do is, you know, I confirm
• 4:32
  that the Uber is for me. You know, they roll down the window, Evan. I'm like, Hey, Paul.
• 4:36
  Is their name actually Paul?
• 4:38
  Yeah. Well, whatever it is, you know, and I walk over to the driver's side and open their door,
• 4:43
  yank them out of the car, mildly abuse them, maybe get them a little day,
• 4:49
  throw them in the back of the car.
• 4:50
  Now, do you mean the trunk or the back of the car?
• 4:53
  Yeah, the back seat. And I drive them pretty much everywhere to my destination.
• 4:57
  And then I let them out and then I drive their car and Uber for them the rest of the night,
• 5:02
  go pick up random people, drop them off, obviously, and just basically perform the
• 5:06
  Uber service for them and they get all the money.
• 5:09
  That's excellent. You don't have the Uber app. So are you just picking up random people on
• 5:13
  the side of the road and just kind of basically kidnapping?
• 5:16
  If anyone comes up to me, rolls down their window and says any name, I just say yes.
• 5:21
  Yeah, kidnap them.
• 5:23
  Because you don't know where they're going. You don't have any way of knowing who is ordered an
• 5:27
  Uber.
• 5:27
  Well, it doesn't even matter that they're an Uber driver. They could be a family,
• 5:31
  you know, family of four and you'll do the same thing to them.
• 5:34
  Yeah, if they if they say any name outside of their window. Yeah, sure.
• 5:37
  Like you're collecting people.
• 5:39
  It sounds like you're collecting people.
• 5:41
  Are you dropping all these people off at one location?
• 5:43
  I'm going to say yes. Whoever I pick up does make it to their destination,
• 5:48
  even if they didn't know that was their destination.
• 5:51
  You're almost like a spiritual leader.
• 5:54
  Yeah.
• 5:54
  You take them on a journey they weren't ready for.
• 5:57
  Yeah.
• 5:58
  So when you pick these people up and they're in you, you throw them in the back of the car.
• 6:03
  What's the normal interaction like? How does that go?
• 6:06
  They're like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm saving you.
• 6:09
  As a spiritual leader, I am.
• 6:11
  Oh, so you've taken on the whole like Gandhi persona then?
• 6:15
  Yes. Well, they need to know what they're in for.
• 6:18
  You're wearing lots of beads and maybe have some crystals in your pocket.
• 6:21
  There's full white robe.
• 6:22
  Gotcha.
• 6:23
  You've like colored your skin too.
• 6:25
  And purple.
• 6:26
  Kind of offensive, but because it's purple, it's maybe fine.
• 6:29
  I think it's OK. There's not a race as purple,
• 6:32
  but also weird that you think that is a natural color that people's skin take.
• 6:36
  If you were to sit next to maybe some sort of crystal that was a shade of pink
• 6:41
  and you light was shown through the crystal for long enough in a pink shade.
• 6:45
  And now when we say crystal, we mean a woman with a muffin top that smokes a lot.
• 6:50
  Yeah, she wears a lot.
• 6:51
  We don't mean the rock. We mean crystal as the woman.
• 6:54
  Somebody who's going to get mad at the Walmart checkout lady.
• 6:58
  Got a pitch of fit because they wouldn't take her coupons.
• 7:01
  Yeah.
• 7:02
  That wears flip flops no matter time of year.
• 7:04
  No, no.
• 7:05
  Probably has a Hello Kitty tattoo somewhere on her.
• 7:08
  That crystal.
• 7:09
  And you just kind of she's with you at all times.
• 7:12
  Well, yeah, I like to position her between me and the sun just so I can always be in shade.
• 7:17
  Now, as the Uber driver have their son with them,
• 7:21
  or do you mean the sun in the sky or do you mean one of the three holy parts of the Holy Trinity?
• 7:26
  What I'm thinking.
• 7:27
  Son, are you talking about?
• 7:28
  I'm picturing a weird seating arrangement where it's the driver, the sun, crystal and Evan.
• 7:36
  Who's the sun?
• 7:38
  I said, I'm trying to say who's the sun.
• 7:40
  There's multiple meanings to this.
• 7:41
  Who's the sun here, Evan?
• 7:42
  I think that's up for your own interpretation.
• 7:44
  I'm going to assume I start and where my spiritual essence ends, there is no bound.
• 7:49
  No one knows where that is.
• 7:50
  The sun could be the one in the sky.
• 7:52
  Sure.
• 7:53
  So you just kind of hold crystal up as a weird white trash umbrella.
• 7:56
  It's more of like I am on all fours most of the time trying to stay in her shadow.
• 8:02
  She castle wide shadow at least.
• 8:03
  Like a spider in the desert.
• 8:05
  Yeah.
• 8:09
  She castle wide shadow.
• 8:10
  She's a hefty broad.
• 8:12
  Yeah.
• 8:12
  She's stout.
• 8:13
  She's squatty to bring up.
• 8:16
  Is Crystal's day job following you around or she got something else going on?
• 8:21
  No, she's a follower.
• 8:22
  You've kind of started your own little following here.
• 8:25
  Yeah.
• 8:25
  I bet it's annoying.
• 8:26
  I bet she mouth breath.
• 8:27
  So I bet it's annoying to have her follow you around.
• 8:30
  But again, it keeps me warm in the winter.
• 8:34
  It you don't refer to her as a person.
• 8:36
  The breath.
• 8:36
  Oh, the breath.
• 8:40
  So Crystal, Crystal just breathes on you when it gets too cold.
• 8:43
  Yeah.
• 8:43
  If I get cold, she just stands over me and kind of breathes.
• 8:46
  I bet her breath smells like Funyuns.
• 8:50
  Funyuns and cigarettes.
• 8:51
  Yeah.
• 8:51
  It's a little Miller Lite mix in there.
• 8:57
  So go back to the sun thing.
• 8:59
  He's trying to make it all spiritual, Alan.
• 9:00
  But I know he finds Uber drivers with their child at work with them.
• 9:04
  And he literally kidnaps them and separates them from the child with Crystal and himself.
• 9:09
  Yeah.
• 9:10
  I mean, their son is usually in the passenger seat as they would be.
• 9:14
  They wouldn't just sit in the back with a passenger.
• 9:16
  Total stranger.
• 9:17
  Yeah.
• 9:17
  Total stranger.
• 9:18
  Yeah.
• 9:18
  That is kind of how once I assault the father, put them in the back seat.
• 9:22
  Yeah.
• 9:23
  So you assault the father, you separate the son.
• 9:26
  Is there a ghost involved?
• 9:29
  And then there's always just the spirit that looms over me.
• 9:33
  Okay.
• 9:33
  So you assault the father, you separate the son and the spirit looms.
• 9:39
  It's always there.
• 9:40
  It's always kind of in the back of your mind.
• 9:42
  And you're like, is this guy going to make it to wherever he needs to go?
• 9:45
  And then the spirit leads me to wherever this guy does need to go, which was my original
• 9:50
  destination.
• 9:51
  Most likely to just a gas station where Crystal can get a six pack.
• 9:53
  I always put a Wendy's in.
• 9:57
  You're a Baconator guy.
• 9:58
  I know that about you.
• 9:59
  It's not me.
• 10:00
  It's Crystal.
• 10:01
  She loves her son of the Baconators.
• 10:05
  She thinks the Baconators a little too much.
• 10:06
  The more I hear about this, the more I think Crystal's in charge
• 10:11
  and Evan works for her.
• 10:12
  He says he's on all fours getting in her shadow, but it sounds like he's bowing down to her.
• 10:16
  Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
• 10:18
  She's a great, great gal.
• 10:20
  Evan, are you following around a white trash woman?
• 10:23
  I got to make a buck somehow.
• 10:26
  It's been a long year in and out of a lot of jobs.
• 10:29
  Finally found one that fits.
• 10:31
  But somebody with your lack of self-esteem really, really fits into this kind of job.
• 10:35
  Yeah.
• 10:35
  I'm someone that just needs to be told what to do because otherwise I'm lost.
• 10:40
  Give us one thing that Crystal usually tells you to do.
• 10:42
  Evan, go get me some snouts.
• 10:45
  Go grab mama a beer.
• 10:48
  Evan, does my belly button piercing look infected?
• 10:51
  Will you rub him hands over my bunion?
• 10:55
  Are your belly creases sweaty too or is that just me?
• 10:59
  Well, isn't she just carrying on the family business of stealing catalytic converters?
• 11:05
  Oh.
• 11:06
  Isn't that why she's taking all these cars?
• 11:08
  Yeah, that makes sense.
• 11:09
  I can't say definitively for legal reasons, but the cars are a little bit louder.
• 11:15
  They have one less mechanism on their motor.
• 11:17
  Yeah.
• 11:18
  But yeah, she's just trying to find her place in this world.
• 11:21
  And I mean, aren't we all?
• 11:21
  Who are we to say that Crystal, there's something wrong with her?
• 11:25
  What is normal, you know?
• 11:27
  And if you steal Uber driver's vehicles for their catalytic converter and you end up at
• 11:31
  a junkyard selling those catalytic converters, maybe that's just where you belong.
• 11:35
  Yeah.
• 11:35
  And if that's what you want to do, then Mrs. Meth, go for it.
• 11:38
  It's not messed up at all.
• 11:40
  Crystal Meth can do whatever she wants.
• 11:42
  That's right.
• 11:43
  Her last name is Meth?
• 11:45
  She's Mrs. Meth, yes.
• 11:45
  Okay.
• 11:47
  Well, I mean, maybe bring Crystal in, old Crystal Meth in.
• 11:51
  I would love to know how to get a catalytic converter off a vehicle.
• 11:54
  She sounds like an impressive woman.
• 11:55
  I bet you she can do it in record time.
• 11:59
  She's good.
• 12:00
  She's got her power tools down.
• 12:02
  She sounds like a handsome woman.
• 12:03
  Yeah.
• 12:03
  She's got a firm grip.
• 12:06
  Not on reality, but...
• 12:07
  That's interesting.
• 12:08
  I'm glad you found a partner to run around with.
• 12:11
  Yeah.
• 12:12
  Keeps me busy.
• 12:13
  Keeps you busy.
• 12:13
  Yeah.
• 12:14
  You're never bored.
• 12:15
  All right, Alan, you order an Uber.
• 12:17
  What do you do?
• 12:18
  Yeah. So when I order an Uber, I immediately start getting really nervous.
• 12:22
  I'm nervous about what I'm going to talk to this guy about.
• 12:24
  I'm nervous about how the drive is going to be.
• 12:27
  Am I going to be uncomfortable?
• 12:29
  Are we going to hit too many red lights?
• 12:30
  So when I get in there, I immediately just start chain smoking.
• 12:33
  And I smoke about half a cigarette, then I just burn it into the seat.
• 12:38
  And that helps you become less nervous.
• 12:40
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 12:41
  Half of the cigarette, you know, helps helps me to calm my nerves down.
• 12:45
  The other half of burning it into the back seat of the car.
• 12:48
  That's just that's just for fun.
• 12:50
  You know, like just helps me pass the time while we're while we're driving down the road.
• 12:54
  And when I've been when you when you meet new people and you quote that as one of your hobbies.
• 13:00
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 13:00
  Just burning burning seats.
• 13:02
  Burning cigarettes into things.
• 13:04
  Yeah. And sometimes if I if I'm out of cigarettes, I'll just I'll just start burning the back seat
• 13:09
  just with whatever I can find, like a Flint starter fire starter, you know.
• 13:13
  You just have like a campfire starter.
• 13:15
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 13:15
  I just you know, what if it gets cold back there is kind of what I'm thinking.
• 13:19
  You know, what if what if I don't agree with this Uber driver's heat to air ratio?
• 13:24
  You know, like, yeah, I'll start my own fire.
• 13:26
  And listen, let's be real.
• 13:28
  There's nothing better than smelling like a campfire.
• 13:30
  Mm hmm. Yeah.
• 13:31
  Is it a slight towards the driver?
• 13:33
  Like maybe you don't agree with his political statement or he doesn't have enough sense in his car.
• 13:39
  Yeah. What I do if I'll really lay into them, just just really start burning that back seat.
• 13:44
  If I the Uber driver pulls up and I see that they've got a whole bunch of bumper stickers
• 13:49
  on their on their back glass, I know exactly what they're about.
• 13:52
  That's one cigarette per bumper sticker.
• 13:53
  That's one cigarette.
• 13:54
  You don't even look at the bumper sticker.
• 13:56
  No, I don't even care.
• 13:57
  I don't I don't care what they have.
• 13:58
  They have a lot of them.
• 13:59
  You estimate that.
• 14:00
  That means that they've got too much disposable income.
• 14:03
  They're going to spend on these bumper stickers.
• 14:05
  And I don't like that.
• 14:06
  If you got the disposable income, you should be cleaning up.
• 14:10
  Why are you driving for Uber?
• 14:11
  So is it kind of like an interview situation?
• 14:13
  You're sitting in the back.
• 14:14
  You ask them a politically charged question like who did you vote for this lax less?
• 14:19
  Yeah.
• 14:19
  They tell you and you smoke a cigarette and just burn it into the seat.
• 14:23
  They say like something like whoever's in the green party.
• 14:25
  And I'm like, yeah, you do not care about that.
• 14:29
  And it's just kind of one question after the other.
• 14:31
  Yeah.
• 14:31
  Yeah.
• 14:32
  And I just I get get really personal.
• 14:34
  Like what's your relationship with your mom like?
• 14:37
  Now, what answer do they give that causes you to burn the hole in the seat?
• 14:40
  If they start disrespecting their mom, who is a nice lady.
• 14:45
  Oh, you know their mom.
• 14:46
  I do my research.
• 14:47
  I know I know everybody's mom before I get in a car with them.
• 14:51
  Yeah, I don't think I would ever get in the car without knowing someone's mom.
• 14:54
  I think it's I think it's just it's just smart.
• 14:56
  They say stranger danger.
• 14:57
  You know, you don't want to get in the car with somebody that is a complete stranger.
• 15:00
  You and other roots.
• 15:01
  Exactly.
• 15:01
  Yeah.
• 15:01
  You want to know that they come from good or bad stock.
• 15:05
  Yeah.
• 15:05
  So if they start talking about how much they hate their mom,
• 15:08
  I'm going to start burning that backseat with more cigarettes.
• 15:10
  Because you've had multiple dinners with their mom at this point.
• 15:13
  You know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 15:14
  We have we've we've gone out to eat, taken in a movie,
• 15:18
  bought office supplies at Office Max together.
• 15:21
  And you did all that in between the time it took you to call up the Uber and him arrive.
• 15:26
  Yeah, we we make good time.
• 15:28
  It sounds like it.
• 15:29
  But yeah, and they start talking bad about their mom.
• 15:32
  And I'm like, son, I'm about four steps away from being your stepdad.
• 15:35
  Oh, you're going to drop it on them.
• 15:37
  You ever talk bad about your mother like that.
• 15:40
  That usually shuts them up on the mom front.
• 15:43
  It's kind of it's kind of hard to come back from that.
• 15:45
  But you know, there's always a they start start getting a little attitude.
• 15:49
  I don't burn the backseat.
• 15:50
  I just burn their shoulder.
• 15:52
  You just stick it on any exposed skin.
• 15:54
  And yeah, any any exposed skin that usually shuts them up.
• 15:57
  Now, what happens if you go so hard at the burning
• 16:00
  that it actually catches the backseat on fire and you're still in the car?
• 16:04
  What what happens then?
• 16:05
  Oh, I'm committed.
• 16:06
  You're going down with the ship.
• 16:07
  I'm going down with the ship.
• 16:09
  Yeah, I brought that because they drove the car into the river.
• 16:13
  Yeah, yeah.
• 16:15
  If the car is just engulfed in flames, I immediately reach in the front seat,
• 16:19
  grab the wheel and find the nearest body of water.
• 16:21
  Whether that be an above ground pool in someone's backyard or the local pond
• 16:28
  on a golf course, I'm immediately finding that water.
• 16:31
  So you turn the car into a ship so you can not just metaphorically go down with the ship.
• 16:36
  Yeah, I don't I don't think like that.
• 16:38
  I don't take things very literally.
• 16:40
  When I say I'm going to go down with the ship, I drive that car into a body of water,
• 16:44
  pretend to raise a sail, tell somebody to man the rudder.
• 16:50
  You know, they're looking at you confused.
• 16:51
  They're like, there's no rudder on this.
• 16:53
  They're like, this is a Prius.
• 16:56
  Because I'm obviously not I'm not getting Uber XL, you know, I guess.
• 16:59
  Because you're one man.
• 17:01
  Yeah, yeah.
• 17:01
  You got your little accordion up there on the plane.
• 17:04
  The bow shanty.
• 17:05
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 17:06
  I always like to bring an accordion when I go into Ubers.
• 17:09
  I feel like that shows the driver kind of everything they need to know about you.
• 17:13
  And plus it kind of gives a good emphasis, a surprised emphasis.
• 17:17
  Maybe you're playing in the backseat and they answer one of your questions
• 17:20
  and you can just all of a sudden stop with that.
• 17:22
  Yeah, that you know, you have you've heard that accordion when somebody just stops
• 17:25
  and you start burning.
• 17:27
  It's good to have that accordion there.
• 17:28
  Yeah.
• 17:28
  Now, how many cigarettes do you normally go through on an Uber ride?
• 17:31
  I come in there with a couple of cartons.
• 17:32
  I just I mean, I don't.
• 17:33
  A couple of cartons.
• 17:34
  Yeah, I think there's 12 in each carton, like 12 packs in each carton.
• 17:37
  Oh, wow.
• 17:38
  See, I'm not aware of how much is in a carton.
• 17:40
  It's just going through them.
• 17:41
  I'm like I'm like an old stove, you know, like I was just smoking.
• 17:47
  You go through how many cartons you say?
• 17:51
  Three.
• 17:51
  Three cartons.
• 17:52
  I think there's 12 in each carton.
• 17:54
  How many cigarettes are in each pack?
• 17:55
  I'm trying to do the math here.
• 17:57
  Ten.
• 17:57
  So there's 10 packs, 20 cigarettes in each.
• 17:59
  Mm hmm.
• 18:00
  So but I'm only smoking half of them and then using the other half to burn.
• 18:03
  OK, so we're saying so just take that number and cut it in half.
• 18:06
  So we're saying you smoke three packs.
• 18:08
  Mm hmm.
• 18:09
  Three packs, that's 30 cartons cigarettes.
• 18:12
  That means there's 30 times 20, which is.
• 18:15
  This is every time I write in an Uber, too.
• 18:19
  So I'm going to die.
• 18:22
  I mean, probably tonight.
• 18:24
  You go through 600, 300 because you're smoking half.
• 18:28
  Yeah.
• 18:28
  So you go through 300 cigarettes during an Uber ride.
• 18:31
  Yeah.
• 18:32
  Now, that's a that's a standard.
• 18:34
  So it doesn't matter if the Uber ride is 20 minutes or five minutes.
• 18:38
  Yeah. If it's if it's a shorter ride, I've got to I've got to start puffing.
• 18:42
  You know, there's there's no way.
• 18:44
  So no way around it.
• 18:46
  I've got just a full full line of cigs in my mouth, you know.
• 18:51
  You can't ask him questions because you're coughing the whole time.
• 18:57
  Turn them all into one big cigarette, a cigar, you know,
• 19:00
  and kind of tape them together and a circle.
• 19:02
  Yeah.
• 19:03
  Yeah.
• 19:03
  Yeah.
• 19:03
  No, I don't feel like I feel like taking them wouldn't be a good
• 19:06
  it wouldn't be a good idea, though, because that would just take up time.
• 19:09
  And you got to be efficient if you're trying to go through 600 cigarettes.
• 19:12
  Yeah.
• 19:13
  I mean, it's got to be I mean, how many cigarettes do you think you can fit in your mouth?
• 19:16
  Legitimate question.
• 19:17
  I don't know. 13.
• 19:18
  13 cigarettes.
• 19:19
  Let's round. Let's do it seems small.
• 19:21
  Let's do 10 because that just makes it easier math.
• 19:23
  OK.
• 19:24
  So if you could fit 10 cigarettes in your you have 600 cigarettes to go through,
• 19:28
  that means you need to get 60 rounds.
• 19:32
  Well, cut it.
• 19:33
  Of cigarettes.
• 19:34
  30. 30.
• 19:34
  He's burning the other half.
• 19:36
  That OK, that is. Yeah.
• 19:37
  Yeah. So I find this I find this very interesting, like the thought bras of
• 19:42
  how many cigarettes can you go through?
• 19:44
  I mean, not enough, probably.
• 19:46
  I don't I don't I don't know.
• 19:47
  Like you would have to like you would have to put the 10 cigarettes in your mouth
• 19:51
  and just inhale all at once.
• 19:53
  Like you would have to be one inhale to get it all down.
• 19:56
  Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's kind of what I do.
• 19:58
  OK. I believe in your lung strength.
• 20:00
  Thank you. Thank you.
• 20:01
  Not for not for much longer, though.
• 20:03
  There's a there's a shelf life on these bad boys.
• 20:06
  Those old air pumps.
• 20:08
  Are you Ben from Uber yet?
• 20:09
  Not yet. No.
• 20:10
  But when I do, I will switch over to Lyft.
• 20:14
  And then just the the dirty taxis.
• 20:17
  I'll get into those.
• 20:19
  I will not have been the first person to burn the back of a taxi seat.
• 20:22
  You'll probably meet somebody in there already doing it.
• 20:25
  There's worse things happen in the back of a taxi, I'm sure.
• 20:29
  But if the taxi driver is probably like you only smoke 600 cigarettes.
• 20:33
  Yeah. Come on.
• 20:35
  Got to get those numbers up.
• 20:36
  Yeah. All right. So how I Uber call an Uber, they show up.
• 20:39
  I get in, you know, give them the pleasantries.
• 20:43
  I immediately start dressing terrible wounds that I've gathered.
• 20:47
  I'm bleeding all over the place.
• 20:50
  I've been shot. I've been stabbed.
• 20:52
  I'm trying to wrap up these wounds with gauze.
• 20:55
  It looks like a frantic scene from a Civil War movie.
• 20:58
  You know, I'm biting down on a piece of wood.
• 21:02
  I've taken out a hacksaw and I start amputating my leg.
• 21:07
  I start dressing every wound I have on my body.
• 21:10
  And it's like a Civil War scene because your Confederate fellow soldier
• 21:15
  is there sitting beside you saying we're going to get him this time.
• 21:19
  Yeah. He often says the South will rise again.
• 21:22
  I don't necessarily subscribe to this notion.
• 21:26
  I just have him around for my moral support.
• 21:28
  He's great at moral support as I stitch up a gash in my chest.
• 21:32
  He always knows what to say.
• 21:34
  He always knows what to say.
• 21:36
  What are some of the things that he says, though?
• 21:39
  He often says we need to say loyal to old Dixie.
• 21:43
  I'm screaming in pain. Tears are going down my eyes.
• 21:46
  Not only because that is a beautiful saying.
• 21:49
  Sure. Yeah.
• 21:50
  Streaming.
• 21:51
  But also because I have a three inch blade coming out of the left side of my thigh.
• 21:57
  Yeah. And like Alan, you also start a small fire in the back to heat up your blade.
• 22:02
  To carterize it. Yeah.
• 22:03
  To carterize your blade. Yeah, absolutely.
• 22:04
  It really helps with blood loss because I don't know if you'll know, you need your blood.
• 22:08
  Yeah. I have heard that.
• 22:09
  Yeah. And once you have been slashed
• 22:11
  maybe in the femoral artery down in your leg, you lose a lot of it.
• 22:14
  I have old Stan. That's his name, Stan.
• 22:17
  Yeah. And maybe he'll get out and give me a bucket of blood to maybe start replenishing
• 22:21
  my blood supply that now has been lost all over the floor of the Uber driver car.
• 22:25
  And he just gets that from a Halloween supply store?
• 22:28
  Yeah. It's not real blood.
• 22:29
  And it literally says bucket O blood. Yeah. It's a weird Irish St. Patty's Day.
• 22:35
  Okay. Party prop.
• 22:37
  As you can see, I'm very pale. I have bags under my eyes because I'm running very low on actual blood.
• 22:44
  Yeah. It's mainly just water with red food coloring.
• 22:46
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 22:47
  They're floating through your veins.
• 22:48
  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.
• 22:49
  The Uber driver is usually not too happy about that. I've noticed.
• 22:52
  So weird.
• 22:52
  Kind of the blood and the fires and the miscellaneous tools that I use to stitch up my wounds.
• 23:00
  Cause you've got a full, you've got the full cot set up in the back seat, right?
• 23:03
  I do have the full cot set up in the back seat. I have my wife of 37 years back there crying
• 23:10
  cause she's like, how am I going to raise our 12 boys on the farm? She's a woman. She doesn't
• 23:16
  understand how to do all that. She knows how to have kids and make some unleavened bread.
• 23:21
  And you've got the white bandages and gongs wrapped around her head.
• 23:24
  Yeah. Yeah. And maybe I have one of my 12 boys is a little, he's lame.
• 23:30
  Let's go back to the farm real quick. You've got 12 boys. Did you not teach your kids how
• 23:34
  to run the farm before you left for war?
• 23:36
  They just kind of play phone games.
• 23:42
  Angry birds. It's very hard to get them off of that. I mean, I realize we're trying to go
• 23:47
  kind of going with the whole civil war soldier gimmick right now, but you know, you can only go,
• 23:51
  it's still the 21st century. I live in reality, you know, one kid won't stop doing the Fortnite
• 23:56
  dance and yeah, your dad's over here dying in the back seat of an Uber and he's over here.
• 24:02
  Look at my dance. Yeah. I'm like, I'm trying to grab them. Take care of your brothers and sisters.
• 24:07
  He's just doing the gritty across the street. He's like, Oh, you're dying. No cap, no cap. For
• 24:12
  real, for real. I have one son that's a lot like tiny Tim. He has one of those crudely made crutches
• 24:19
  that he walks around on and you know, he's full of spirit and he's full of joy, but no,
• 24:23
  he's not going to last much longer. No, no, no. He might, he might die before me and I'm losing
• 24:27
  blood profusely and you won't get him a better crutch either. Like why is no, I build character,
• 24:33
  you know? Okay. Okay. In fact, the crutch on top, you know, where it supports under your armpit is
• 24:38
  all sandpaper. Guy would say the crutch is a crutch. The crutch is a crutch and he's using it as a crutch.
• 24:43
  I don't want them to use the crutch as a crutch. You know, like Evan always says, I mean, if they
• 24:47
  don't stop using that crutch, they're never going to learn to walk. So you just, you just always,
• 24:51
  you kick that crutch out from under them, right? Evan, when you come give a seminar to my family,
• 24:55
  it's a lot of people, so it will seem much like a seminar. Yeah. And I think the big problem with
• 25:00
  your family is they may be strong. Whoa, let's get personal here. I think your family has issues. I
• 25:10
  got to say, but what are you a family counselor? Hold on. Let me finish. Gross. All right. Now I'll
• 25:18
  keep talking. Okay. Um, the problem with your family is they are strong emotionally, very poor
• 25:26
  physically, very poor. They are weak. Yeah. Like weak, like, but they're basically homeless people.
• 25:33
  They're like the homeless people of the physicality. Yeah. We don't shop at normal stores. We hunt and
• 25:38
  gather for our food. And let me tell you, they're about as good as hunter and gatherers as they are
• 25:42
  farmers. Um, very malnourished. Yeah. That and most of them, like we talked about tiny Tim here,
• 25:48
  are using some form of physical device to, to help them live their life. One of your kids basically
• 25:54
  lives in an iron lung. That's very inconvenient because he wants to play on a playground. It's
• 25:59
  very hard to push that thing down a slide. Let me tell you, he's fallen out of that thing. You got
• 26:03
  to squish him back in. That's really inconvenient for you. And I hate that. Yeah. I, I'm, you,
• 26:09
  y'all never asked me how I got these wounds. I'm trying to get out of this world. Yeah.
• 26:15
  I'm trying to leave. All right. These wounds are self-inflicted. Cause that iron lung is loud too.
• 26:21
  It's like possible to sleep after that child in Neville dies, Alan, you're welcome to use that
• 26:26
  iron lung. Cause 600 cigarettes per Uber ride is you're going to end up in that thing. Can I ask
• 26:31
  you though, have you ever tried to just give these kids away? It seems like they're a big problem
• 26:36
  for you. Yeah. So what I do, you, you ever been in the front of a Walmart or just kind of any kind
• 26:41
  of super center and you'll see these pins that has puppies up for adoption. I do the same thing. I
• 26:48
  set up a pen in the parking lot in the shade. I'm not a, I'm not cruel. I'm an animal. And I put out
• 26:54
  a little Jermex thing right in front of the pen. So you use, and you come in and play with them.
• 26:59
  Maybe if you want to adopt one, you go ahead and take one. Yeah. You got to take a child. Yeah.
• 27:04
  Yeah. I bet it's tough to get rid of the one with the iron lung. I feel like he's going to be,
• 27:08
  he's going to be the toughest sell. People do tend to stay away from. If I'm looking for,
• 27:13
  for a kid to buy or, or adopt, I want one not with a, not with a crutch or with the iron lung.
• 27:21
  I want one with like an augmented leg. So like maybe he lost his leg and he's replaced it with
• 27:25
  something cool. Like a, I don't know, like a shovel or something like you have, do you have a kid like
• 27:30
  that? Um, not yet, but I do, like I said, I do have a hacksaw so we can make that happen. Kids are made
• 27:36
  to order. That's right. Somebody comes up to you and they're like, Hey, I'll take a number three
• 27:40
  with fries. You're like, I think I can make it happen. Yeah. Bring out the saw.
• 27:47
  But yeah, I don't know. All of our questions get away from the Uber.
• 27:52
  I forgot that there was an Uber involved. It just, it's a springboard onto really what else is going
• 27:57
  in our life. Yeah. There's a lot of issues we were dealing with. Yeah. And the Uber, Uber just really
• 28:03
  brings them out of us. Yeah. We've got a lot to talk about. Uber is just the beginning. This program
• 28:09
  was brought to you by Uber also. Yeah. Let's go to the Uber. I mean, Uber send us a, send us a check.
• 28:14
  Send it. We're giving you a lot of free shout outs. I mean, what other company, car company will let
• 28:19
  you burn holes in their seats, chop off your own leg and, and maybe bring in a white trash lady to
• 28:28
  live in their car. I think I'm not really sure what Evan's situated with. I'm not going to be honest.
• 28:34
  I was all over the place there for a bit. You kidnapped the person and then you lived in the
• 28:38
  car. I think I, there was a woman named Crystal. I don't, I don't know. I honestly don't know
• 28:44
  anymore. Okay. Well it was something along those lines. Uber, I barely know her. Yeah. You have to
• 28:49
  get it out. It was on the table. Yeah. It was really, we're 30 minutes in and it shouldn't have
• 28:54
  been taken that long to get to that point. We'll do better next time. Oh man. But there you go.
• 29:02
  That's how we Uber. I hope other people have just as interesting. If you, if you have an interesting
• 29:06
  story with your Uber, you tell us, you know, or if you're an Uber driver and you're listening,
• 29:11
  let us know what your weirdest story is. That would be cool. I would love to hear some, I bet
• 29:15
  there's some weird stories out there. And with all the Saturday workers we got out here, we know those
• 29:18
  Uber Uber drivers are clocking in on Saturdays. They're out there, but there you go. That's,
• 29:23
  that's the hypothetical for today. Now I don't, I don't know if you are seeing the questionably
• 29:27
  tour landline ringing right now, but I think we have it. The NPR has a story to tell us and I'm
• 29:33
  listening. Let's don't underestimate our appreciation for what the NPR guys do. Yeah.
• 29:38
  They're, they're like, they're sort of like the first line of defense. I think their boots on the
• 29:42
  ground. Yeah. If knowledge is power by God, by God, we are powerful because of those guys.
• 29:48
  Like a nuclear reactor. Oh my gosh. A nuclear, I would totally take out Hiroshima right now.
• 29:54
  But, uh, all right, let's, let's, uh, give it over to the QD NPR guys.
• 30:06
  All right. Welcome to QD NPR. I am Zacchaeus. I am joined here with Evanescence and Alejandro.
• 30:12
  Today we will be speaking on the very touchy and very tragic topic of the loss of the water cooler
• 30:19
  within society. Alejandro, you are at the forefront of this issue. You have seen firsthand what goes
• 30:26
  on in these establishments that have lost the water cooler. What impact do they have on the average
• 30:32
  white American male? Thank you, Zacchaeus. I have just come from a local business park and let me
• 30:38
  tell you what I've seen is horrifying. There are white men wandering aimlessly around an office
• 30:45
  because they have no water cooler to gather in. They're trying to find something to fill that
• 30:51
  void. They're walking up to copiers, fax machines. They have no idea what they're doing. They have
• 30:57
  lost the will to work because they have no idea what to do with their break time. That is tragic
• 31:04
  and scary, Alejandro. Now I'm with Evanescence over here, a local white man. Evanescence, what do you
• 31:09
  see as the white men? What do you see is the biggest impact to the average white male? Thank you.
• 31:15
  Zacchaeus, the white male today without the water cooler, there's just nowhere for them to go.
• 31:22
  So they have nowhere to get out all the feelings and thoughts and things they did this weekend
• 31:28
  that they need to tell someone else and maybe get their opinion on a local sports team. Where are
• 31:33
  they doing that now if there's no water cooler? Teams, meetings, email, it's all being pushed
• 31:38
  somewhere else. The feelings are building up. There's only one place that can lead, their lines.
• 31:42
  Dear God. This is causing the average middle-aged white male to actually have to have conversation
• 31:51
  with each other. They're no longer able to hide behind the fortification that is small talk.
• 31:56
  They're having to accept their vulnerabilities and show it to other men. And I think it's important
• 32:03
  to talk about what this has done for water cooler companies. They have had to shut down the bottling
• 32:10
  of their water. Companies have gone completely bankrupt. Fires have been started because there's
• 32:15
  been no water. They can't put out these fires. Fires are raging in the streets. Someone get water
• 32:20
  to us. They can't find the water coolers. Help us. You're seeing an increase in the stress levels of
• 32:27
  these middle-aged white men as they aimlessly walk around their cubicles, their faces bloodshot red,
• 32:35
  as stress levels are increasing. Hearts are beginning to explode from the stress levels,
• 32:40
  veins popping out of foreheads. I don't think the white American male will last much longer.
• 32:47
  I think they are nearing the end of their days. Numbers are dwindling and the white male is
• 32:52
  dropping like flies. There's nowhere for them to go, nowhere for them to hide, nowhere for them to
• 32:57
  get release. And there has been local groups that have risen up such as the group Fight For What's
• 33:04
  White that is on the forefront fighting for water coolers to be reestablished in places of business.
• 33:14
  So men in khakis and polo shirts have places to talk about their lawns and their fishing trip.
• 33:22
  And the less problematic group, What's Cooler Than a Water Cooler has also been leading the
• 33:30
  charge in getting water coolers implemented back in an office building. There is also the group
• 33:36
  Bottled Up Emotions that is fighting to make sure emotions stay bottled up and that water coolers
• 33:43
  are in place to have small talk again. The scientists have also been tinkering with the
• 33:48
  theory that the water cooler was replaced by the Yeti cooler. They think that white men may have
• 33:55
  taken their conversations outdoors for a more casual feel outside of the workplace. We see an
• 34:03
  increase in sales in portable cups such as Yeti and we have groups such as Don't Be Petty, Don't Buy a
• 34:08
  Yeti rising up trying to make sure nobody buys portable cups anymore so water coolers stay
• 34:14
  prevalent. But now it's a big question mark. What will men talk about if they don't have a place to
• 34:19
  gather? Will we know about their lawns? Will we know about their fishing trips? Will we know about
• 34:24
  the silly things their wife did this past weekend? I think we'll be forced as white men to confront
• 34:31
  a series of other problems such as what hurts the most emotionally. Why can't we get along with our
• 34:39
  son? Is it because we had a poor relationship with our father? Oh that is a that is a scary thought
• 34:45
  Al and Andro that these men are going to have to think about that now that they can't hide behind
• 34:50
  small talk. If there is no small talk there is big thought and we cannot have that as adult men. I
• 34:57
  think at the end of the day we can all say we're afraid of daddy issues. It's amazing what
• 35:02
  water coolers in the workplace shielded us from. But that seems to be it for QDNPR. If you would
• 35:09
  like to join any of these groups we have talked about please go to our website h20no.com.
• 35:15
  Thank you for joining us at QDNPR. Please join us next time for what is on the forefront of this
• 35:22
  world. For Alejandro and Evanescence I am Zacchaeus. Thank you.
• 35:26
  Evanescence I am Zacchaeus. Thank you.
• 35:42
  All right so that was that was our boys over there at the at the sister station QDNPR.
• 35:50
  We are I guess we're just really thankful for them. They do all the legwork so that we can just have
• 35:55
  fun over here on our end. So we're uh we're definitely thankful for them. And don't get us
• 35:59
  wrong we have a water cooler in here in the studio with us. We yeah we understand the epidemic that's
• 36:04
  happening out there. We're not ignorant of of what's happening. So that's that's good. Um but
• 36:10
  speaking of what's happening I don't want people to underestimate the burden of knowledge and the
• 36:15
  burden of wisdom that we have and the burden of responsibility that we have to help people in their
• 36:21
  at their lowest points. And I mean y'all can speak to that. I mean do y'all feel when y'all wake up
• 36:26
  every morning y'all do y'all feel burdened by the fact that you are smarter than everybody else?
• 36:32
  It's tough when you have to fix everybody's problems. Yeah. When everybody else is I don't
• 36:36
  know for lack of a better word an idiot. And you can't live your life because you're too busy
• 36:43
  fixing everybody else's. Gosh I I can't stand the weird looks that we get from just being I don't
• 36:48
  know more intellectual. Enlightened I would say. Yeah. But we share the burden with each other
• 36:55
  like a pack of derm we continue on with the immense weight on our shoulders. And that's what we're
• 36:59
  about to do. We're about to give some people that have written in some advice.
• 37:08
  I need help. All right so our first email in is from Sam. He titles it how do I find my voice?
• 37:16
  I'm a 33 year old man who is having trouble finding his voice mainly at work. And by that I
• 37:21
  mean speaking up. For example when I don't agree with something. If a co-worker annoys me I feel
• 37:26
  like I'm under so much stress and I don't know how to easily resolve it. Problem is I am not sure
• 37:31
  I know how to do it. Matter of fact I don't know if I can. My instant thought process when I get
• 37:36
  mad with someone or want to confront them is to speak up. Say something. How will they confront
• 37:41
  me? That's what I don't want. Confrontation. That word terrifies me for whatever reason. Any
• 37:46
  advice on how I can man up in a sense? How can I stop being walked over and taken advantage of? How
• 37:51
  can I finally find my voice? So he couldn't ask a better group of men. Yeah. Gosh. The amount of
• 37:58
  chest hair in this room is ridiculous. Stalky broad men barrel chested. Evan's over there cutting
• 38:05
  wood right now on a flannel. Look at him he's glistening. This sweat. Sweat and sawdust just
• 38:11
  cakes this man. It's their sawdust. That's how good he is at chopping wood. Literally sawdust
• 38:19
  is coming off of that of that axe. It's a swift one swift movement. Guys I mean y'all heard that
• 38:24
  email from Sam. How can Sam find his voice? How can he stop being walked over? Sam I feel for you
• 38:30
  man. I think we've all probably been in this situation. I know I have. The way that I got out
• 38:34
  of it. Just start carrying a gun. Holster that 44 magnum. Just walk into your boss's office. Hand on
• 38:43
  your hand in your holster on on your gun. Then you ask him a question. I almost guarantee you're
• 38:49
  going to get the answer that you want. Nobody says no to a loaded gun. And if he doesn't give
• 38:55
  you the answer you want you just count down from three and then yell draw. Meet his eyes and say
• 39:01
  say when. Listen I think some of the the the I think the epitome of masculinity is John Wayne
• 39:09
  and Clint Eastwood. They got their way because they were always ready to shoot somebody. And I
• 39:15
  feel like if you walk in with a gun you get whatever you want. Why do you need a voice when
• 39:19
  you can let a gun do the talking? You know? That's right. That's right. I think what a lot of men in
• 39:24
  America are missing these days is not acting like it's America in the 1880s. There aren't as many
• 39:30
  tumbleweeds these days. Not as much dust flying through the air. I'd like to see more covered
• 39:35
  wagons. Yeah. I think maybe a little bit more dysentery. Nothing will prevent you from getting
• 39:42
  walked over when you put your hand on that six shooter and you say high noon. That's right. And
• 39:47
  you walk out. People will do whatever you want. You'll get anything you want for free. You carry
• 39:52
  around a gun Sam. You don't have to draw it either. The the implication that your hands on the
• 39:58
  on that gun says enough. But then again you also can draw your gun. You can get a piece of paper,
• 40:05
  put it on his desk, trace an outline of the gun onto the piece of paper and whoever can draw it
• 40:11
  the best kind of wins the argument. So you want him to do a drawing contest? Yeah. You're drawing
• 40:18
  the gun. Okay. And also if you're in a meeting point with your gun. Use it as a not so laser laser
• 40:27
  laser. Do you have a little laser on it? Use it as a laser point. Use it as for power. Things can be
• 40:32
  two things. And there's nothing wrong if people are getting rowdy and not listening to you in a
• 40:37
  group. Just shoot it into the ceiling. They will get their attention. You will have command of the
• 40:44
  room. If they don't give you the company before long I'll be surprised. Yeah. I think it's good.
• 40:50
  That's a good that's good advice Alan. Carry a gun. My advice to you Sam is carry around a megaphone.
• 40:55
  You sound like a beta male. Somebody that's willing to get walked over that has the voice of a mouse.
• 41:01
  So here's what you do. You get a megaphone. You walk around with that thing. I don't care if the
• 41:05
  person you're talking to is two feet from you. You stick that megaphone in their face. You press that
• 41:10
  button. You let rip whatever you need to say. They won't have trouble hearing you then. And if you do
• 41:15
  that, I mean you could eventually just have everyone's voice because you'll be the only one
• 41:19
  that can speak in a room. That's a good point. That's a good point. You won't have everyone's voice.
• 41:23
  There's nothing that makes you feel more superior than quieting everybody else. Being the only voice
• 41:29
  there is. Turn it all the way up. Even if it's in the bathroom with your co-workers. Walk in there.
• 41:36
  Turn that speaker up. Let it rip. They will have no choice but to hear you then. And by let it rip
• 41:42
  you mean sometimes fart into that megaphone. Right? It's a great attention grabber. I mean if
• 41:50
  you people are talking and not paying attention to you, let it rip. Fart right in the microphone.
• 41:54
  They'll turn around. They'll notice you. You'll have a very cool reputation around the water
• 41:58
  cooler that I'm sure is there. I feel like too you could be like a church camp counselor. Alan can't
• 42:05
  be a church camp counselor. Well he can't go to church. Legally. Yeah he can't go to church.
• 42:08
  For certain reasons yes. I'm unable to quote unquote be a camp counselor. Anyway they got
• 42:17
  the microphone and they're holding the two and you gotta be like hey you over there you gotta come
• 42:21
  over here everybody single file single file and you kind of gather the whole office under your
• 42:27
  command at that point. Blue team we're headed down to the lake to go canoeing. Can I get a whoop whoop?
• 42:35
  You'll unearth some subliminal obedience from your co-workers because everybody's been to a
• 42:41
  summer camp where the camp counselor was the absolute authority. I would almost be willing
• 42:46
  to guarantee that they'll all go into a childlike state like the same way that they were when they
• 42:51
  were in the fourth grade. Yeah yeah and they'll just you'll just transport them back to camp.
• 42:55
  You'll be there you'll be their leader in no time. Walk over to Tom and a cowling give him a
• 42:59
  give him a dodgeball. See who he hits with it. Yeah yeah dodgeball and a quick kiss on the lips.
• 43:05
  You went to very different camps. You went to very different camps than us. You know like a camp counselor does.
• 43:10
  Yes to everyone right. That very relatable situation. But yeah there you go. Find your voice
• 43:18
  by literally amplifying your voice Sam. That's that's what we that's what we say. I love it.
• 43:23
  Yeah it's great. Yeah all right Evan what's your what's your advice to Sam? Help Sam. Help Sam
• 43:31
  stop getting waltzed over. Sam you will if you will. Samantha. He said male didn't he? Okay so.
• 43:37
  Samson. Sam okay Sam. Samson? Do we just need to go through all them? Yeah how many Sam how many
• 43:41
  we got Samuel Samson Samathy. Samathy. Samwise. Samwise Gamgee yeah. But anyway Sam to find your voice
• 43:49
  I think you need to get on the the interwebs look through a bunch of famous accents voices
• 43:56
  and just kind of pick your favorite. Maybe that's Kermit the Frog. Which Alan I don't know if you
• 44:01
  can give us a sample of. I just want to get ahead of that. So you want Sam to not find his voice but
• 44:10
  find somebody else's voice. Find someone else's voice. So Alan's gonna give us an impression of Kermit the Frog.
• 44:16
  Yeah so go ahead Alan give us a precedent maybe what Sam can use. Something like uh oh yeah oh hi
• 44:23
  oh yeah it's me Sam using the using a Kermit the Frog voice. Sam don't use that Kermit the Frog voice.
• 44:29
  That wasn't a that wasn't a Kermit the Frog voice. Yeah so find a voice on the internet emulate that
• 44:38
  and uh take that to your boss so you he's yelling at you and you need to or you need to bring up a
• 44:43
  situation to him ethically that you're like I can't stand for that. Go into your best Kermit the Frog
• 44:47
  and kind of tell him what's going on. Yeah I think I think that's great to hide behind other people's
• 44:52
  voices. You got to hide behind a facade so that the true you can come out. Absolutely. What's uh what's
• 44:58
  some other power voices that they can use just to just to really really take command of the office
• 45:04
  space? You could do you could take the Seinfeld voice. What's the deal with all this paperwork?
• 45:11
  I think he needs a Mickey Mouse voice. Oh boy oh boy boss I can't I can't I didn't get the memo.
• 45:17
  I saw Jenny and Steve make it out in the bathroom the other day.
• 45:26
  We have our voice so we don't need to take other people's voices but this is just you know this is
• 45:31
  for you. Fine fine voices for you but the Mickey Mouse would be a great one. Christian Bale's Batman.
• 45:37
  Boss I have a quandary. Boss I didn't get the excel spreadsheet. Tom never is filling up that
• 45:44
  printer with paper after he's done with it. Boss I forgot to clock out last night. They I mean Sam
• 45:51
  we have our voice so don't we're not impressionist all right we we are strong men with hair on our
• 45:56
  chest. We're trying to help you out. Trying to help you out. We don't judge us. These are just some of the options you have.
• 46:01
  Yeah. Just be a chameleon. Morph into whatever character you need in the moment. You don't seem like a great guy.
• 46:06
  Yeah don't be yourself like hide behind the character. But there you go Sam. I mean you
• 46:12
  can do all of these by the way at one time. You know bring a gun. Bring a megaphone. Do a voice that
• 46:20
  is not your own in that megaphone. And I think you'll make a name for yourself at work. He's got
• 46:26
  megaphone in left hand. Right hands on the gun. Yeah. He says oh draw. Oh boy. Draw. There you go Sam.
• 46:37
  I hope that helps man. Write it back in. Tell us how. Tell us how you became manly with our advice.
• 46:45
  This one is from Ashley. Ashley says I need hobbies that will fill my time and help me be more patient.
• 46:52
  I know that if I sit around and basically do nothing except listening to music and daydreaming
• 46:56
  along with going on a few walks per day I'll get really anxious and antsy. So needless to say I
• 47:02
  don't want that to happen and I want something to occupy my time to be more productive and
• 47:07
  help the day go by faster. So here's a list of my hobbies that I have right now. Writing, drawing,
• 47:11
  daydreaming, going on leisurely walks, browsing the internet on my phone, tablet, and computer,
• 47:16
  playing different games on different consoles platforms, reading either books or fan fiction,
• 47:22
  listening to music and that's basically it. So yeah I need more ideas on how to conquer boredom.
• 47:27
  If y'all could give me any advice and that'd be great. Well listen Ashley boredom is right. You
• 47:32
  sound like a snoozer of a person. None of those are hobbies. Yeah I wanted to read those back off
• 47:39
  and just kind of we go one by one. Yeah so we can say is that a hobby or is that not a hobby.
• 47:43
  Let's go to Judger. That could be a new segment. Is that a hobby? Is that a hobby?
• 47:48
  I think it's important to define what a hobby is. A hobby is anything you become skillful at.
• 47:53
  Would you consider wakeboarding a hobby? Wakeboarding is a hobby. Yeah. Would you consider
• 47:57
  uh trying on shoes a hobby? No. No. So her hobbies are writing. Is that a hobby? Yes or no?
• 48:05
  It's something you become skilled at. It's a boring hobby though I'd say.
• 48:08
  I consider that a hobby. What are you writing? Yeah I consider that a hobby. Drawing? I consider
• 48:13
  that a hobby too. Sure it's a fine hobby. Yeah it's good. It doesn't seem like a big jump from
• 48:17
  writing. It's just the visual version of writing. It's writing in straight lines. You're just writing
• 48:22
  pictures. Third hobby daydreaming. Not a hobby. Not a hobby. 100% not a hobby. You should find a
• 48:30
  hobby about making better lists because it looks like you got lazy on that list. It's basically
• 48:34
  like she's saying yeah my hobby's being lazy. It sounds like she says oh I stared at a wall for six
• 48:39
  hours. That's my hobby. I guess I did that. Not a hobby. No. Okay not a hobby. For going on leisurely
• 48:45
  walks. Not a hobby. Not a hobby. I wouldn't think so. If you do the same things that you would do
• 48:51
  in a federal penitentiary it's not a hobby. Daydreaming and going on walks that's what you
• 48:55
  do if you are in prison for life. Turn that leisurely walk into a run then you may have a
• 49:01
  hobby. Yeah maybe. I still don't even know if that's a hobby. That's just exercise. Is exercising a hobby?
• 49:05
  You can master it though. I think it could be. Maybe. I don't know that's a fine line. Not for anybody in
• 49:10
  this podcast I don't think. Exercise is not our hobby. No. Number five browsing the internet on my
• 49:18
  phone tablet and computer. Not a hobby. Weird flex. Not a hobby. She does it all at once. It'd be a hobby if you did it all at once.
• 49:25
  I guess so. Bunch of screens around you. You like the the NSA with all the screens around her. Kind of
• 49:30
  like the NRA though if you're just googling guns on on all three of those devices. It's not a hobby.
• 49:38
  Not a hobby. No. That's just something you do. Yeah absolutely. Really weird flex till she has a phone tablet
• 49:43
  and computer. She could have just left it at bro. You should lose the screens and get more hobbies.
• 49:48
  Yeah sixth one playing different games on different consoles slash platforms. Is that another subtle way
• 49:54
  of uh telling us she's got yet another piece of technology? Exactly that's what I was gonna say. She's just flexing again.
• 49:58
  She has different consoles and platforms. She has so few hobbies but so many screens and
• 50:05
  video game consoles. We get it you have things. I could say that's a hobby. It's a hobby. It's a hobby.
• 50:10
  Seventh one reading either books or fan fiction. I'll give that as a hobby. Why do we think she's
• 50:16
  she specifically said and fan fiction. You didn't have to say fan fiction. You just said reading.
• 50:20
  Maybe it's a questionable detour fan fiction. I hear Tobias Evan fan fiction hot. That one uh gets
• 50:28
  a little spicy around the climax if you will. Oh dear. We said that's a hobby. Reading's a hobby.
• 50:35
  Yeah. Last one is listening to music. Would not say that's a hobby. It's not a hobby. You don't master
• 50:40
  a list unless you are a deaf person that somehow has gained the talent of hearing. Not a hobby.
• 50:47
  It's usually a thing you do while you do other things. Yes. So I wouldn't consider that.
• 50:51
  Absolutely. Start playing music then we'll talk. Yeah. So you said there's seven things she listed.
• 50:56
  I think eight actually. Eight. Oh there's so you there's eight things that she listed. I think we
• 51:00
  named off what half of those as actual hobbies. Yeah I think so. Well I mean no yeah you half of
• 51:06
  those aren't even hobbies Ashley. It just seems like you just seem to be a more in person. Guys
• 51:11
  we should give her three hobbies that she can try. Yeah. First one that comes to mind is turning
• 51:16
  butter. I think turning butter is a great one. It's a great hobby. It works the arms. It's
• 51:21
  productive because you get butter out of it. You turn something into butter. You love butter.
• 51:27
  I eat a lot of butter. Any kind of situation or activity you're like does butter come from this.
• 51:32
  Yeah and I do say we don't turn enough butter. Yeah. Most days before we start the podcast I
• 51:37
  say let's get turning that butter and then y'all flip the mics on and I'm like oh wait. He's always
• 51:41
  pressing the butter. It's funny and I think that's where his his classic catchphrase comes from. We
• 51:47
  gotta turn that butter. Gotta turn that butter. Yep. That is. I say that a lot. Yeah you say it
• 51:52
  almost every day like he knows the schedule. He knows we're recording on that day yet he comes in
• 51:57
  and hopes that our name is Jebediah Job and Elias and we're all Amish people and we're going to be
• 52:03
  in the studio turning butter. He expects it every time yet disappointed every time. A man can dream.
• 52:08
  Yeah turn butter. Turn butter Ashley. That's a hobby you can master. It's a hobby Evan wishes
• 52:13
  you would master. Yeah. He wants butter. Send me some butter uncooled out of the refrigerator. I
• 52:17
  want it. I want it pliable when I get it. Like a marmalade. I want to sink my finger through it.
• 52:24
  You better come in a ziplock bag. It's not crushed and popping out the seams.
• 52:31
  I'm gonna send it back. All right Alan what's a what's a hobby Ashley can try? I would say learn
• 52:36
  how to drive a skid steer. What's a skid steer? What's a skid steer? Tell tell the people that
• 52:43
  don't know Alan what a skid steer is. Learn to learn to drive a bobcat. Oh okay okay yeah yeah.
• 52:49
  Yeah gotcha. Bobcat being the the brand skid steer being what it is. Got you okay okay yeah. So you
• 52:56
  mean you mean like a construction equipment? A piece of yeah a piece of equipment. Okay um
• 53:02
  I'm glad you told the people that didn't know that that are not in this room. Yeah I know I know
• 53:06
  everybody here knew what that was. As we roasted Sam for not being masculine we all know what a skid
• 53:12
  steer is. Definitely. Just get out there and move some dirt around. You know take up your entire flower bed.
• 53:18
  Just just run right over it. Use that bucket. Learn how to just pick up all that dirt. Build
• 53:24
  yourself a dirt wall you know around your home. I don't know just fun things that you can do with
• 53:30
  a with a skid steer I guess. Take it down to the local uh water hole. Get some buddies in the bucket
• 53:36
  and kind of bring them back to help you. Yeah and like you can you can also volunteer with the local
• 53:40
  sheriff's department in case they're like trying to clean up like riots on the street. You can just
• 53:45
  bring your skid steer down to the down to where the riots are happening and just kind of put it
• 53:49
  into that. Now something I've always thought people should do too is build moats around their houses.
• 53:55
  I think a skid steer would really help in that. Be a great tool. And I know it sounds like quite a bit
• 54:00
  of work but I think a good hobby is. Yeah and I think it's also fun as well you know. I have a blast.
• 54:06
  You get to drive heavy machinery maybe drink before you do it. Um take some ambient maybe. Sleeping
• 54:11
  pills. Yeah absolutely. I think a muscle relaxer will do the trick you know. But uh there you go.
• 54:18
  Maybe drive heavy machinery. You don't have to buy it. It's sitting on the side of the road.
• 54:23
  Usually yeah. Yeah. You just hop in it start messing with it. I think it's free if nobody's on it.
• 54:28
  Yeah if it's I mean if it's there it's for free for the taken. Look you pay taxes probably. So
• 54:34
  that's probably government-owned equipment on the side of the road you know. And um if you get caught
• 54:39
  and get thrown in jail you didn't hear that from us. Don't mention us. We are not a legal podcast.
• 54:45
  I can't stress that enough. My my advice to you Ashley my hobby I would push on you is to collect
• 54:52
  toads. Find like frogs. Yes find frogs toads. Put them in people's mailboxes. There are plenty of
• 54:58
  mailboxes out there. There are plenty of toads. There is not plenty of toads in the mailboxes.
• 55:03
  Collect as many as you can. Put them in your neighbor's mailbox. Give them a surprise right.
• 55:08
  You know how boring is it for your neighbors to open up that mailbox and it'll just be bills.
• 55:14
  One time they just want something other than bills. Give them toads. Give them more. Right now it's
• 55:19
  it is sweltering outside. Put that toad in your oven of a mailbox. Let that thing cook.
• 55:29
  Really dry those bad boys. And see play have a contest with yourself. See how many toads
• 55:34
  you can fit in a mailbox. Pack them in there. Pack it when when they open up that front hinge
• 55:40
  of that mailbox. Toads fall out. They have to dig through those toads to get to the bills they still
• 55:45
  have to pay. Like they still have to pay the bills. Yeah. You actually you've been taking up this
• 55:49
  hobby for years right. That's why I have toads in my pockets right now. And there's toads in
• 55:54
  your pocket. I forgot about that. Just because I'll cross the mailbox on the way out of here and I'll
• 55:57
  put a toad in it. That's what that ribbiting is. I swear it's been happening this whole time. Oh yeah you you've probably
• 56:03
  have noticed all the toads that live in your mailbox. I meant the ones in your pocket but yeah.
• 56:09
  My pocket's all your mailbox. That is where I get all my bills. But yeah Ashley um stick some amphibians.
• 56:17
  Find some amphibians, toads, frogs. Stick them in mailboxes. Or NPO boxes. NPO boxes. Don't stop
• 56:24
  at just regular mailboxes. Take them down to the postal station. And if if the government gets upset
• 56:29
  at you because that probably is illegal. Put a stamp on the toad. Tell them you're shipping it somewhere.
• 56:35
  Then it becomes mail and therefore not an issue. Boom legal advice. Loophole in the legal system.
• 56:41
  That's right. You can still you can do it. All right that's a QD guarantee right there. Let's
• 56:46
  stamp it. Got them. If if the three of us are on the jury that is deciding the fate of the case of you
• 56:52
  illegally tampering with US mail. I think you're safe. Yeah we're leaving. I think we can convince that.
• 57:00
  The jury will be so hung. There's never been such a hung jury. Three of us in a pool of 12. Even if we
• 57:09
  all agreed on it and then they agree with us. One of us would go back on what we were saying. Yeah.
• 57:13
  Just so we could be on the jury. Absolutely. But anyway Ashley there's three hobbies that you can try to really fill up that
• 57:19
  boring list that you have. It almost made us fall asleep reading it. I think I was reading it out loud and I think I fell asleep.
• 57:26
  Yeah his eyes were shut. And I went into cardiac arrest. Oh god. What'd you even notice? Alan had to give me mouth to mouth.
• 57:34
  How did you not notice that? I was attending to my frogs I guess. I don't know. Always you always pay way too much attention to those dang toads.
• 57:41
  Stop don't get needy. Don't get needy on me right now. He had a medical emergency. He's literally dying.
• 57:46
  The frogs were dying too. I can't stick you in a mailbox. You could try once in a while.
• 57:52
  I think what Evan's saying is he would just like you to pay a little bit more attention to it.
• 57:57
  Shove me in one or two mailboxes every now and then. I'm sorry Evan. I'll try better.
• 58:02
  Carry me in your pocket like a little toad and we'll be alright. You look like a toad.
• 58:08
  Now we're just getting demeaning. Very mature. Oh man but there you go Ashley. There you go Sam.
• 58:18
  Go on. Live your life with the advice that we give you. Read self-aculization. Go forth and conquer.
• 58:24
  Go forth and conquer. That's right. But anyway guys. One-liner wisdom. Alan what you got?
• 58:31
  A flat tire might be bad but it's no worse than a flat coke.
• 58:35
  How true. How true. Alright Evan. One-liner wisdom for everybody. Dogs may be a man's best friend
• 58:42
  but that doesn't mean you don't own them. So let them know that. Really look down on them.
• 58:46
  Yeah. Wow. That's good. We don't get too much dog training advice out of this one. No.
• 58:51
  No. Anyway that's it. That's it for today. If you have a hypothetical you want us to answer.
• 58:55
  If you need advice email us at questionblogtourpodcasts.gmail.com. But there you go.
• 59:01
  Episode 23. Good job guys. Already be done. Yep.