Latest / Brooke and Jeffrey: Phone Taps / Phone Tap: Preemptive Off-Boarding

Transcript

Phone Tap: Preemptive Off-Boarding · Brooke and Jeffrey: Phone Taps

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there anything more awkward than those first few days
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: right after someone at your company gets let go.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: Oh isn't that the worst?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: There's all this weird tension in the air. You don't
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: know what to say. Well, luckily we solved that problem
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: by telling the guy that the new company he's about
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: to join already has a plan on how to fire him.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Problem solved.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: You are welcome.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Right now.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Hi, Nathan, Yeah, here's this.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: I'm calling from Incorporated. My name is Betty. Betty don't Betty?
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: How you doing.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: I'm great? And I hear that you're starting at the
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: office next Monday. So welcome to the team.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. I'm looking forward to it. It's gonna
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: be fun.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Well, it is my job to help onboard you.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Cool, so like email, log in, security, all that sort
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: of stuff.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: You got it exactly.
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: But before we can do that, we do have to
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: finish your offboarding plan.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Off boarding uh huh, you know, for when you leave
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: the company.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: We like to get that handled ahead of time to
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: avoid any mess.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: What happens if I end up staying there?
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Oh, I mean nobody stays forever. You're gonna have to
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: leave one day?
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, you never know.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: It could be downsizing or a firing. We just have
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: to have it in writing.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm just confused because I've never heard of anyone
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: doing off boarding when they were getting hired.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: No, I hear that sometimes. Let me see if I
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: can clear this up for you.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that'd be fantastic.
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: Actually, in the past, we've had some pr issues when
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: we've let employees go, you know, when it's kind of
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: our fault. Yeah, but that's not a good look for management.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: So we're not doing that anymore.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Okay, So we're going.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: To make sure that we're in charge of the narrative
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: no matter what really happened.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: You can't see, but I'm winking over the phone to you, wink.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: We So basically, you're going to be writing a story
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: of how I leave the company at some point.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: Actually, you're gonna pick the story. We're just going to
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: give you options. Option A embezzlement, pretty white collar.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: I like that one.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Wait.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Option B lude behavior in the office.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Wait wait, wait, hang on, I'm trying to process what
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: this actually is.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what story you like best?
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: I do have a really good third option for you.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: Option see public intoxication and urination at an off site
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: office event.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: No, it doesn't even feel like it's your fault.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is just weird. You're telling me I have
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: to pick one of these ways. You're gonna let me
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: go in the future.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: Well, not like you're actually gonna do it. We're just
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: going to say that you did so nobody looks good.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: I mean, honestly, I think it's pretty fair. Last week,
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: a new employee chose public defecation.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: What you're lucky that's not even on the list.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: No, no, this is this can't be allowed in this
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: day and age.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: Okay, I do think I need to remind you though.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: We can't pay you your signing bonus until you pick.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: The greatest thing. No, my signing bonus has nothing to
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: do with your weird off boarding problems.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Those are the rules, though I.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Haven't even started at the company yet.
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: You know what I can do. I can just click
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: undecided and you.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Know what that means. It means that I get to
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: spin the wheel.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: Wait, why is there?
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: Oh okay, embezzlement. That's fun.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: No, I cannot do this.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Hold on, I just need to put that in your record.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: Let me type it in.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: No, you can't put that down.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: Oh you sound worried.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: Let me remind you again, nobody's gonna see this until
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: you leave the company.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: That gonna be a long time.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: In fact, most people never leave because they don't want
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: their offboarding story to get out.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: That's the program. You just hold that over them as blackmail.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Pretty creative, right.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: It's not creative. It's illegal.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: It's not what your friend Carl said. When we ran
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: the idea by him. He said it was a great idea.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: For a phone tap. Yeah, wait what.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: This is crazy.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: I'm telling you this isn't real.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: This is Brooke from the radio show Brook and Jeffrey
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: in the Morning. We're doing a phone tap on you.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: It's just a prank phone call.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Are you freaking kidding me?
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: Carl said he just wanted to congratulate you on.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Your new job. Oh my god, I thought.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: You would be more excited about the embezzlement choice that
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: the wheel landed on. We could spin it again if
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: you want me to throw in public defecation on there.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: You know, look at that you slept with the boss's daughter.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: Wake up every morning with phone taps weekday mornings on
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: the twenties, Brooke and Jeffrey in the Morning