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The Avoidant Partner. Episode 2. If It Felt Like Love Yet Broke You...... · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode two.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I I gave her everything and she did as well.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: She gave me everything.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I really believed that it was real.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: But then she just began to disappear.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And even though she did, I still gave, I waited, I I tried to understand, and then I guess I humiliated myself.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: She kept taking, and I kept giving, and I gave more.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And but ultimately I just became the listening voice on the phone every day, listening to whichever drama had occurred the day before or that morning.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was some kind of guardian.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I did so many things, trying to help, trying to anticipate things, and my words and my actions were completely constant.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, so much so that her parents kept expressing their gratitude that I was there in her life and that I was helping to look after the children in different ways, so many different ways.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'd be there in the middle of the night if I needed to be.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would do anything.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And some of what I did was out of what I would regard as being a kind of normal thing to do.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I told her at the beginning that I couldn't be without her.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: When I said that, I felt that being with her meant that I could be without her.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how I could exist.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I reached a point where I nearly ended my life.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: These were the words of a very genuine, a very kind and loving, compassionate man who deserved an honest and truthful partner, one who was open, one who would reciprocate.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And he sustained a good deal of damage over a five-year period, and it was cruel beyond belief, but he discovered that he wasn't the first, and he probably won't be the last.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: His story is compelling, it's exposing, and it will resonate.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, will he survive and will he ever trust again?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is for episode three.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as he talked, he said that things changed.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: There was one sudden disappearance and then a return, but with less response, less warmth, less presence, and then intermittently warmth.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was a very, very curious and very manipulative pattern of behavior which is all too familiar.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: He said that he found himself waiting for messages for reassurance, for the things that used to come so easily, and he started to wonder, was it him?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So he tried harder.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: He explained himself more, he softened himself more, he became more understanding, more patient, more accommodating.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: But the more he did that, the less response there was.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now I hear this quite a lot in the consulting room, and it's always painful.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I see the enormous pain that these kinds of relationships have inflicted, how deep the wounds go and how hard it is for the person who is on the receiving end.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a kind of curious pattern of a slow, almost imperceptible shift from a sense of secure connection to complete confusion.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And what makes this dynamic so powerful and so damaging is that it doesn't announce itself clearly.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It sort of unfolds gradually, relationally, psychologically.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And over time the person has to reorganize the internal world of the person who remains, or at least they reorganize themselves, but not always healthily.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they lose themselves in the process.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: At the center of this pattern is a relational experience which is described as anxious, avoidant dynamic.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: One partner moves towards closeness, the other moves away from it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: But crucially, these movements are not random, they are responses.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: The more one partner seeks the connection that they've been promised and reassurance and emotional presence, the more the avoidant partner experiences pressure, overwhelm, and the need to retreat.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so they withdraw, which in turn intensifies the anxiety of the other partner.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't dysfunction and isolation, it's a system.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Peter Foneggy, the neuropsychiatrist, helps us to understand this beautifully.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he says that when emotional security drops, our ability to think clearly about relationships also drops.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so instead of understanding the pattern, we become caught inside it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now the psychological impact of this can be devastating.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what begins to happen over time isn't just relational strain but internal change.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: The partner of an avoidant individual begins to reorganize themselves around the relationship.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Self-doubt emerges.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too much, it's me, I'm not this enough, or I'm not that enough, or I'm too sensitive, or I'm asking for too much.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: When he told me about these experiences, I put to him, I don't think you were asking for enough.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think you were not asking for anything.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think you held what was reasonable back, and you became completely accommodating and lost sight of yourself.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: But they're not just truths, these are adaptations.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hypervigilance develops.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're necessarily insecure by nature, but because the relationship has become so unpredictable that that's what happens.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So then what we see is emotional overfunctioning.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: They begin to carry more, more emotional labor, more responsibility, more relational effort.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: They explain more, repair more, accommodate more, and slowly, without noticing, they begin to disappear.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And there's an interesting element here, because one of the most powerful forces within this dynamic, and it's very, very destructive, is what's known as intermittent reinforcement.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is the same mechanism that underpins addiction.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: The pattern looks like moments of warmth, followed by withdrawal, moments of closeness, followed by distance.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what this creates is not stability, but dramatic uncertainty.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the brain does something very specific in response to uncertainty, it tries harder.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because the reward, connection, warmth, presence, reassurance still seems possible.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not consistent.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, it's not real.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what people become, this is what keeps people in an emotionally invested state long after the relationship has stopped meeting them.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, this dynamic creates something deeper than frustration.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: It creates injury.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not dramatic, it's not explosive, but it's cumulative.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: The injury of not being responded to, not being appreciated, acknowledged, not being met, not being emotionally held, and perhaps most powerfully the injury of beginning to believe that this is what love looks like.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the absence of love that wounds most deeply, it's the intermittent presence of it.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: People who experience these kinds of relationships become significantly damaged.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: They question their own versions of reality, they question their own integrity, they question the behavior of the other person, but they do it in a silent way.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And they believe, because they've been seduced into believing that something is possible, something that resembles how it started.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: But in fact, that was an illusion.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't real.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: No matter what the other person says, if they have the courage to return to what went wrong, is they will say things like, they meant every word they said.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but those were just words, weren't they?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because the actions clearly contradicted those words.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So the confusion that this creates, inevitably, for anybody who is a victim of this kind of experience, inevitably causes them to doubt, question, and feel completely insecure about their own judgments.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: By the time people arrive in the consulting room, they're no longer asking, Why are they like this?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're asking, What's happened to me?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where recovery begins.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not with fixing the avoidant partner, because that's a complete waste of time.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not with trying harder, that's just more of the same.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: But with turning gently and often very painfully towards yourself.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've spoken in previous podcasts about the three stages that I call recognition, the reckoning, and recovery.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we will look at that in more depth.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: We won't be looking at the relationship you lost, because in truth it was never a relationship.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: But with instead the self that you are ready to reclaim.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.