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How to Manage Low Self esteem With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: He everyone, it's Culi here and welcome to this week's
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  Speaker 1: Mojo Monday. So today I want to talk about something
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  Speaker 1: that's pretty close to my heart, and that is self esteem,
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  Speaker 1: because I think we often misunderstand what it is and
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  Speaker 1: how we can build it. So I grew up pretty
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  Speaker 1: much with low self esteem as a child, teenager, of twenties,
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  Speaker 1: even into my thirties. And I don't say that lightly
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  Speaker 1: because when I look back now, I can see how
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  Speaker 1: deeply it shaped the way I felt about myself, the
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  Speaker 1: choices I made, and especially the way that I related
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  Speaker 1: to other people. Because when you don't feel good about yourself,
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  Speaker 1: relationships can become really complicated because you're not just in
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  Speaker 1: a relationship with the other person, You're also in this
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  Speaker 1: relationship with all the thoughts that you have about yourself. So,
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  Speaker 1: for example, you might be sitting with a friend or
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  Speaker 1: a partner and a group of people in a social setting.
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  Speaker 1: Instead of being fully there and enjoying the moment, your
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  Speaker 1: attention is often turned inwards on your own thoughts and
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  Speaker 1: your own bodily kind of sensations, the feelings you know,
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  Speaker 1: wondering whether they like you, or whether you've said the
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  Speaker 1: wrong thing, or whether you're too much or you're not enough.
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  Speaker 1: And when your attention is caught in that loop, it
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  Speaker 1: becomes really hard to be present, hard to listen properly,
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  Speaker 1: it becomes hard to give yourself freely and relax into
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  Speaker 1: the relationship because so much of your energy is being
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  Speaker 1: used to monitor yourself. And this is something that I've
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  Speaker 1: been thinking about. Maybe self esteem is not only about
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  Speaker 1: whether we like ourselves. Maybe a huge influence on our
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  Speaker 1: self esteem is where our attention lies. Because low self
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  Speaker 1: esteem can make us very self focused. And I'm not
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  Speaker 1: saying that we're selfish, because we're actually trying to protect ourselves.
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  Speaker 1: So it's it's our minds kind of doing its job,
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  Speaker 1: scanning for risks of rejection or signs that we're failing
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  Speaker 1: or not measuring up. And it's exhausting and it can
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  Speaker 1: start to rob us so the very thing that we
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  Speaker 1: want the most, which is genuine connection with other people.
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  Speaker 1: So I have been pondering over a question. Do you
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  Speaker 1: need high self esteem to live well? Do you need
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  Speaker 1: it to be a good friend or a good partner?
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  Speaker 1: Do you need higher self esteem to thrive in life?
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  Speaker 1: And at first you might think, well, yeah, of course
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  Speaker 1: we do it. We need to feel worthy before we
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  Speaker 1: can show up well. We need to love ourselves before
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  Speaker 1: we can love others. We need to feel confident before
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  Speaker 1: we can step out of our comfort zone. But I'm
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  Speaker 1: not sure that is always true. In fact, I know
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  Speaker 1: it's not allway. It's true because what happens if you
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  Speaker 1: don't have high self esteem yet? Like right now? Do
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  Speaker 1: you just wait? Do you wait for the self esteem
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  Speaker 1: theory to arrive one day and sprinkle you with confidence
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  Speaker 1: and worthiness and inner peace? Do you keep looking back
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  Speaker 1: at your past and saying, well, this is why I
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  Speaker 1: am the way I am, and I can't move forward
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  Speaker 1: until I feel differently. And of course our past matters
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  Speaker 1: your past, my past, and of course the way we
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  Speaker 1: were loved or maybe criticized, which was my case, ignored
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  Speaker 1: or supported, has a huge impact on how we feel
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  Speaker 1: about ourselves. I would never want to dismiss that because
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  Speaker 1: for many people, including me, low self esteem has very
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  Speaker 1: real roots. It can come from childhood and from relationships,
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  Speaker 1: you know, maybe bullying or failure or comparison to others,
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  Speaker 1: or years of feeling as though you are somehow not enough.
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  Speaker 1: But even with all of that being true, I think
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  Speaker 1: there's another truth that sits alongside it. We can begin
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  Speaker 1: to build a life before we feel completely good about ourselves.
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  Speaker 1: We can act with confidence before we feel confident, show
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  Speaker 1: up as a good friend before we feel socially secure,
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  Speaker 1: or even love somebody before every insecurity has disappeared, and
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  Speaker 1: most importantly, live according to our values before our self
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  Speaker 1: esteem has fully caught up with that. And in many ways,
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  Speaker 1: that's how self esteem begins to lift, not by waiting
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  Speaker 1: to feel better, by becoming somebody who we can quietly respect,
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  Speaker 1: respect ourselves not based on how we feel, but on
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  Speaker 1: the things that we choose to do. And there's something
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  Speaker 1: really powerful about knowing that you showed up even if
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  Speaker 1: it would have been easier to withdraw. You know, knowing
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  Speaker 1: that you were kind when your mind was caught up
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  Speaker 1: in comparison, and knowing that you act with integrity when
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  Speaker 1: no one else was watching. Because we're always watching ourselves,
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  Speaker 1: we know when we are living in a way that
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  Speaker 1: feels aligned with the things that matters to us, and
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  Speaker 1: we know when we're not. We know when we're being
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  Speaker 1: honest with ourselves or honest with others. We know when
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  Speaker 1: we're avoiding situations. We know when we're blaming others. We
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  Speaker 1: know when we are making the effort, and we certainly
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  Speaker 1: know when we are choosing the easy path over a
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  Speaker 1: meaningful one. And I don't say this to make us
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  Speaker 1: harsh with ourselves. Most of us are already way too
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  Speaker 1: good at that. We don't need to practice that. I
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  Speaker 1: say it because there is a kind of self respect
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  Speaker 1: that comes from what action we choose despite the feelings.
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  Speaker 1: Not perfect action, just small, repeated moments where we choose
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  Speaker 1: to be the person that we want to be. And
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  Speaker 1: this is where I think self esteem becomes less about
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  Speaker 1: self focus and more about life focus. So instead of
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  Speaker 1: focusing on whether I feel good about myself today, I
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  Speaker 1: might ask how can I be useful today? Or kind
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  Speaker 1: or honest? How can I listen better contribute? How can
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  Speaker 1: I make something a little bit better for someone else?
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  Speaker 1: You know, as simple as a compliment or a smile
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  Speaker 1: or whatever that is. And that's where this little shift
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  Speaker 1: can happen. When we do this, because our attention moves outward,
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  Speaker 1: It moves away from ourselves and onto the world around us.
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  Speaker 1: And this is so effective. We're no longer obsessing quite
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  Speaker 1: so much over whether we are good enough or liked enough,
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  Speaker 1: or impressive enough, healed enough, We're participating in life, We're
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  Speaker 1: engaged in the task at hand. We're connected to something
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  Speaker 1: bigger than the small, frightened but very powerful story that
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  Speaker 1: we often carry about ourselves. So the question isn't really
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  Speaker 1: how do I get self esteem before I live well?
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  Speaker 1: But how do I live well even when part of
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  Speaker 1: me still doubts myself? Because self esteem, at least from
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  Speaker 1: my experience, is not built by standing in front of
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  Speaker 1: a mirror trying to convince yourself that you're amazing. It's
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  Speaker 1: built in the quiet evidence of your own life and
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  Speaker 1: the actions that you take. It's built when you stop
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  Speaker 1: waiting to feel worthy and start to live in a
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  Speaker 1: way that reflects worth. And please hear me clearly on this.
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  Speaker 1: I am not saying that you have to earn your worth.
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  Speaker 1: I believe we all have inher inherent worth. But feeling
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  Speaker 1: worthy is often different from being worthy. Sometimes the feeling
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  Speaker 1: comes later, sometimes the feeling follows the doing. I know
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  Speaker 1: what it's like to be at the bottom of the
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  Speaker 1: self esteem pick. I know what it is to feel
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  Speaker 1: trapped in your own mind and to be overly focused
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  Speaker 1: on yourself, and to question your place in relationships and
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  Speaker 1: wonder whether you are going to ever feel comfortable with
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  Speaker 1: being who you are. But I also know that you
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  Speaker 1: can rise above it. Not in some magical transformative way
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  Speaker 1: where you're suddenly becoming endlessly confident and never doubt yourself again,
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  Speaker 1: because that's not realistic, but slowly through how you live,
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  Speaker 1: through good deeds, through good character and contribution, and learning
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  Speaker 1: what it means to be a good person and practicing
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  Speaker 1: that in ordinary, everyday moments. So this week, consider another way.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe stop waiting to feel good about yourself, but start
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  Speaker 1: to take action in small, steady ways that help you
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  Speaker 1: respect the person that you are becoming. That is it
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  Speaker 1: for this week's My Joe Monday. Thank you so much
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  Speaker 1: for joining me, and I will catch you next week.
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  Speaker 1: See you