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Episode 4: Overcoming Perfectionism and Setting Healthy Boundaries · Heal Yourself Podcast

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive deep into all things healing.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I'm Denise, a speech-language pathologist and a self-love coach for adults and teens.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and functional nutritionist, and we are here to guide you through the transformative process of healing your body, mind and soul.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: From the latest in functional medicine to nurturing your relationship with yourself, healing trauma and even transforming your money story.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're here to empower you with the knowledge and tools to create lasting change.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: So, whether you're looking to heal physically, emotionally or spiritually, join us as we explore the many paths to wholeness and wellness.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Hey everyone, and welcome back to another episode.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Today, Denise and I are chatting about perfectionism and lack of boundaries.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: This is a big one when it comes to health.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Denise, I'm totally going to kick it off to you.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: How do you want to start us off?
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: You know how I tell her that I'm a recovering perfectionist.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I call myself, of course.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm still working on it, right, because sometimes it does creep in.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: So this is how I see it.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Perfectionism and lack of boundaries.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I'm still working on it, right, because sometimes it does creep in.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: So this is how I see it.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Perfectionism and lack of boundaries they rob your freedom.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: You're not free when you are succumbing to being perfect.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I can't send this email out before I read it 20,000 times, or I have to double check and prove, and my house and this Everything has to be perfect, perfect, perfect.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: So you're not free because you are giving your power away as well.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: And and then, basically, what you're doing with perfectionism, like boundaries, is that you and everyone and everything has access to your precious energy, and remember, everything is energy and you have a limited amount of energy per day, so why are you wasting your energy on things that don't?
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: matter you want this energy for you, so you give your power away to perfectionism and to everyone and everything, when you don't have boundaries.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: So this is also how I see it.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like you're taken away from you.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: It's like peeling off of you.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: What do you?
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: think, kira no, I mean we didn't go into it, but I touched on even last episode leaky boundaries equals a leaky gut, right exactly Perfectionism and lack of boundaries.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: We lumped these together because I think they tend to go hand in hand.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Um a lot of perfectionists they are there?
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: They, yeah, yeah.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: So I think they're a massive deriving factor behind health issues, but again, something that people tend to ignore.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Or for years I don't know about you, but for years I thought perfectionism was a good thing, like I did yeah, right, like I strive to be perfect, and no, that was like killing me I know it was stressing us out.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: remember, even when we were doing, when we used to do our health coaching and then creating our courses and our things, it was always like, oh my God, spelling this grammar, oh, and it doesn't really help because we both, like, have teaching backgrounds.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, I mean not too long ago, you and I, I mean we still work on it today.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's that we we we saw this in the first episode and we're going to continue to say it like healing is a journey.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: We're still working on it.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: We're not perfect, but we're also not aiming for perfect anymore.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: And it's yeah.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: It's such a trap that people fall into, because when you get into perfectionism, you're never good enough.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: Then, because there is no such thing as perfect, right.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: So you were always oh, I'm not good enough because this wasn't perfect, and oh, that email wasn't good enough.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Then, whatever, whatever it is you're doing in your life, you're never going to be good enough, because you're chasing something that cannot exist.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Oh, I love that You're chasing something that does not exist, and that's yeah it doesn't.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Perfectionism doesn't exist.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: No, no, because there's always like no matter how much you think it's perfect, guess what someone else is gonna find a flaw in it yeah, and you usually find a flaw in it too, right, yeah, like, yeah, you think something's really good and then you look at it again, you're like, but it could have been better.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: And it's like again you're chasing something then that it cannot exist.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: It's not even that it doesn't exist.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: It cannot exist.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: There is no such thing as perfect, because not every single person or being out there is going to agree that it's perfect.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, where does it usually come from?
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: I mean, honestly, I think a lot of it comes from a desire for validation or control.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: So many of us have control issues due to you know whatever in childhood or things growing up and the same thing goes for validation.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: Like I need validation.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: I need someone to tell me that what I did was really good, because you are missing that internal validation and that that goes back to self-love.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: That's my well.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, what are?
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Where do you think perfectionism stems from?
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Do you have any thoughts around it here?
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah, and I learned that recently and I don't tell me why.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: If you know it, don't tell me why you learned that recently okay, I learned that fear stands for false evidence appearing real.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so we're afraid.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: That's false evidence, obviously.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: And then this is where you're thinking that you know you want to be perfect because, at in the the bottom of it, it's driven by fear.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the fear of being rejected, the fear of being criticized, the fear of not being validated, not belonging, the fear of being excluded.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: So you're like, oh, if I'm perfect, if I'm doing this perfectly, maybe, but, like you said, you don't want to change something that doesn't exist.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: It.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the thing.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: There can be different types of perfectionism too, and this is where I think awareness is really key, and not just looking at where it stems from, but like where the perfectionism is.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: Is it all over your life?
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Is it self-oriented, right?
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: Like, do you just have high expectations of yourself for whatever reason?
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: And that's where this is where the true healing comes in, guys.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: This is where you got to do some digging.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: Why do you have such high expectations of yourself?
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Is it other oriented Meaning?
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: You have these unrealistic expectations of others, and here's, here's one for you, and I don't remember where I heard this, but I think the quote was my gosh.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: I'm going to butcher it, but unmet expectations are the number one cause of unhappiness, or something like that, because we can't put expectations on others.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: It just doesn't work that way.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: You can expect things from yourself you can't't have.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: You can have expectations, right.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: So like I'm thinking of kids, like I expect you to clean the table or I expect you to right whatever, but like putting these expectations on others, like well, I thought you were going to call me at this time and I thought you were going to do that.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Well, that's expecting others to, um goodness, to meet your value, but also that's that's getting in people's mind, like expecting that, expecting them to know what's in your mind without you telling them what's in your mind.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then another thing it's like get out of people's minds.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: You don't know what they're thinking.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: End of story yeah, and you're not in their mind, you're not a mind reader and they're not mind readers either.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: So if you are not talking about it, no one's going to read your mind.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: So don't assume and expect them like you can't expect, let's say, your husband to do something like, for example, bring your flowers and you didn't tell him that.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: You know, like you didn't talk about, you know that I love flowers, for example.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: This is just an example.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: So you got to get out of people's minds as well.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: It's none of your business, but they think what they say and if you want something met and something expressed, express it.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Don't assume that people are going to just read your mind because you're grumpy or because you know you're, whatever.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: I used to do that Like I'll be grumpy when things don't happen my way and I respect my husband or my kids or my family to know oh, denise is grumpy because something didn't happen.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Oh, what do you?
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: How do you want us to please you?
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: So yeah, and that's the thing that high expectations of others is a form of perfectionism, and I don't think people realize that.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: So my big thing there is awareness and doing the true healing work, which is digging into why that even exists.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Where does my need to be perfect come in?
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Is it just in one area of my life?
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: Is it in all areas?
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Is it because I never feel good enough?
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: Then why don't I feel good enough?
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: So you have to become your own best coach.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: You've got to learn to keep asking why until you can get to somewhere where you're like, oh, and that's when a shift happens.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah um and we gotta do the investigation.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: So sit with yourself.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Like you know, I know sometimes some of these things are not pleasant or whatnot but, you need to be honest with yourself, because remember what we talked about and you know when we talked about the in the self-love episode.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: Like you, this is the most important relationship that you have is the one that you have with yourself it is so sit down with it, with the discomfort, it's okay.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: You know, like like, analyze, like, oh, it's fine, bring it to the awareness, right, what is it?
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Oh, there's a quote.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Bring the unconscious conscious but it will ruin, oh, it will ruin, your life and you'll call it destiny.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know who said that, and word by word.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: But you gotta, in order to heal or whatever, you gotta or change your destiny, you gotta bring the unconscious to the conscious level so stop burying it deep down and making it continue to be part of your subconscious.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Uh, you know broken record that you're feeding.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, and then back to just perfectionism.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's going to lead to health issues, guys.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Right, it's not just one of those things where it's like, oh okay, it's just annoying because I'm chasing something.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: But perfectionism can lead to anxiety, it can lead to depression, it can very easily lead to burnout.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: So we touched on stress in the gut episode and obviously we could have maybe we'll do a full episode on stress.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: But there's different ways to look at stress and sometimes people view it as like, oh no, I'm not working crazy hours and I'm a stay at home, mom or this and that, and I'm not stressed.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: But being a perfectionist and you know, I'm just looking at home, mom or this and that, and I'm not stressed.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: But being a perfectionist and you know, I'm just looking at some of the clients I work with that are like, well, I, you know, I can't sit down, I can't relax, because there's laundry and there's this and there's that, and I don't ever ask for help, and my husband comes home and he's tired from work, so I don't get a break and you've got all these perfectionistic tendencies like that's going to burn you out in that stress.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: So look at the impact of perfectionism on your health and again, knowing that you're not going to succeed because there's no such thing as perfect.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: And then this ties in with boundaries again, because if you're a perfectionist and guilty here, you're going to struggle with setting boundaries because you're kind of overextending yourself, right Like I've got to please these people and meet these unrealistic expectations of myself or others that I think have placed on me.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: So I'm not going to set boundaries.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: Um, and I bet we can both share some experiences here, and I'm going to touch on one of mine, one of the areas I've really lacked boundaries and this is so embarrassing to share, but it's in my business.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: I would have like one of my boundaries is clients don't text me, they can use my portal and that's it, and I was not following that along with other things, mind you.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Like there are multiple, multiple things Like people message me all the time hey, can you give me feedback on this?
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: They're not even a client.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: Boundaries are broken a lot in my business and it's been something that I have been working on and I've been digging into why am I not setting those boundaries?
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: And one of the things that kept coming to the forefront of my mind was like, if I set these boundaries.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: This client's not going to like me, this client's going to give me a bad review, this, whatever, like it's these stupid stories, but it was the lack of boundaries stemming from perfectionism.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Right, and it shows up other ways in my life, but that's just one that I've really been working on.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Is boundaries in my business, but that's just one that I've really been working on.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: Is boundaries in my business, do you?
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: I mean, I know you've got to have a story.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Give us the story I am working to this day.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: right now, I'm working on boundaries with my daughter she's 13 and she's a teenager and I tend to sometimes want to please her because I don't want her to be grumpy, I want to give her what she wants, et cetera.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: But what does?
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: That gives me frustration.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: So I am.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: We've been setting boundaries and she's not liking it.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I mean, matter of fact, she's been texting me non-stop right now to the point where I have to tell my husband I really needed to talk to her right now via text message to stop having herself text me, because she texts me like five, six, seven text messages in a row.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Come pick me up.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Come pick me up, just because she forgot her science notebook.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: So I told her it's your decision, I'm not going to rescue you.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: So that's where I stood in my boundaries today, whereas in the past I would immediately rescue her, send an email to the teacher.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: So my boundary was no and I told her I, because she told me that she didn't bring it yesterday.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: That's why she doesn't want to go today, because she basically forgot it days in a row.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I said well, you got to deal with the consequences.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, mommy cannot keep rescuing, because what am I teaching her exactly?
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: that's what I said today.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: What am I teaching if I continuously rescue you?
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: What am I gonna?
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: What am I teaching you?
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm teaching you basically to avoid, to avoid difficult situations and, I'm sorry, like too bad, so sad type of thing.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: At this point I'm not being insensitive, you know, I know I'm a great mother, I know I do a lot for her and so, but I had to kind of like but I'm not gonna lie to you like, but the way that she negotiates it, like kids, are master negotiators yeah.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: So, and I was really honest with her.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I said, I mean, I has nothing to do with how much I love you and everything, it's just I, I'm not gonna rescue you, you're gonna have to deal with it.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and now she's coming up with all the excuses.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: I'm sick, my, my nose is ready, I'm coughing again and I'm like okay oh, that's classic but you're right that?
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: yeah, it's especially with kids, right, that's a whole conversation on boundaries with them.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: But you're spot on.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: What are we teaching that?
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: I'm not trying to teach my clients anything, but at the same time, if you've got those leaky boundaries due to perfectionism, what is that doing in your body?
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: so, yeah, yeah, and then I noticed that when you please other people, you're displeasing yourself you really are you know, and it's like and at the end of the day, it's not selfish, because everything, everything like we talked about, is coming.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: It comes down to self-love and how much you love yourself and value yourself.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: So why do you want to displease yourself?
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's you know.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: You just said that's not selfish, and I think that's a good one, because sometimes people view it as that like I'm going to be perceived as selfish, I'm going to be perceived as I don't care.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: So you've given me some good analogies on boundaries.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Talk to me about like your home.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Ooh, you know what I'm talking about.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the home, the home, exactly so.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: So lack of boundaries is basically you're doing what everyone wants instead of what you want.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: For example, in your home, do you just give everybody the code to get in?
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Or just a random stranger taking a walk felt like you know what.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I'm thirsty, I'm just going to walk into this home, open the fridge and or like pour myself water.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: You just don't allow that in your home.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: So why are you allowing that in your energetic field?
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, your home is your sanctuary.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: You keep it locked.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: You have the alarm system, you have the ring, the I know what you're talking about.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: The video, whatever.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: What is it?
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's called.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I'm blanking out, I know it's called.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Talking about the video whatever.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: What is it?
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's called.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: I'm blanking out.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I know it's called the ring is the brand, but it's a video doorbell.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: There we go.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, no one, just random person comes in.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Have you ever walked in your house and then you saw a random person just sitting on the couch watching TV?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: No, thankfully not Exactly, however.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: So why are you allowing, or why am I allowing my daughter, or whatever?
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: why are?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: you allowing your clients to get into your energetic field, your energy, because, I mean, this is your home.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: You need to, you need to protect it and that is the literally always think about your home.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: You don't randomly allow people to just walk in.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's really important to you know not allow other people to dump, to dump their shit on you.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so, when you have that boundary, when you are protecting and it can be like you know how, when you wear a hat, you're actually a physical hat you're protecting your comfort, you're protecting your scalp from the like sun or whatever same thing, so you have the invisible energetic shield.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: So take your time to draw that and make sure that other emotions, other people's uh, dramas or traumas or ideas, opinions don't allow that to rob your to rob.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: That's why you got to have that little energetic bubble or wall, whatever you want to call it, but it's really important to have that.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think, looking at different aspects of your life where you know there's boundaries and perfectionism that seem to or I should say a lack of boundaries that tend to creep in because the universe just keeps giving you the same lessons over and over too.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: Like I know, you've been dealing with this with your daughter for a while.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: I will say like boundaries in my business has been a lesson for a while, and so I keep bringing people in that push those boundaries, just like your daughter is going to keep pushing those boundaries until we learn our lesson.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: So, trust me, if you're like I don't know that that's my issue.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: It's going to keep creeping in on you until you finally learn.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: So if you're someone that keeps over committing, you don't know how to say no, you're prioritizing others needs because you're afraid you're going to look selfish or you feel guilty when you take time for yourself and I'm like nodding as I'm saying some of these things like those are all signs that you got some weak boundaries and you got some perfectionism issues yeah, absolutely.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: And yeah, those experiences are going to keep repeating until you learn from them once and for all and they won't repeat.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: But new things will repeat, absolutely, because we're in constant, uh, growth, I feel, and in constant I mean if you're choosing to, unless you're choosing not to grow and change your life.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: So you're listening, hopefully you're, and then you know how like I love how you said that you know the universe is going to keep sending you those experiences and then sometimes wonder why is this happening to me all the time?
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Well, it's happening to you or for you.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: It's happening for you because you're not addressing it.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you haven't learned, you haven't learned.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like when you go to school and you're learning something and it's like you keep failing.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: It's like hello, you gotta learn it in order to move on.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Right, you can't take you know, you can't take one or two before you actually pass one or one.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so we'll talk about tips or yeah, yeah, let's.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about what we can do when we have those leaky boundaries and perfectionism issues the very first one and actually to be honest with you, uh, yesterday I was talking to somebody and she said that she recommended she was a client, she recommended to her client to to just say no without explanation for 30 days to others.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's hard, I know, I know.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: So the very first step for boundaries and fractionism is saying no without explanation, and no is a complete sentence.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: So let's say you know you are, I don't know it's you're working out right.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: So you have, you're going to I'm going to give the example of spin, because I do spin on Tuesday and you have that scheduled.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: You're going to do this for you.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: And then you're I don't know someone texts you to give them a ride during that time.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Well, if you give them a ride during that time, well, if you give them a ride, then you are prioritizing them, not you, I mean, unless they don't have rides.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: So please don't take it to the extreme, but if someone is in need, If someone is in an emergency or in need.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, denise said on the podcast I can't, I can't give you a ride, I get what hopefully they get what you're saying, oh yeah so you are not prioritizing yourself by going to work out.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: so no is a complete sentence, and when you say no to others and to things that don't align with you For example, if you're working on your health and you are working on decreasing your sugar intake, you can say no to sugar.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: So it doesn't have to be no to a person.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: It could be no to a thing that doesn't align with the best version of you or with your goals.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: So when you say no to these things and people, you are saying yes to yourself, you're saying yes to your healing.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: You're saying yes to your healing, you're saying yes to your growth.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: So try it, and without explanation no, I can't.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: No, I love that you said no to others is yes to yourself.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: That's pretty powerful, um, but holy crap, can I just say no with that explanation, like all the stories just crept into my head because I'm the person that's like, well, if I have to, I have to give somebody bad news or tell them.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I can't do something Like.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: I feel like I have to have a long explanation, you know, cause there's that people pleasing.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that ties into the people pleasing and we're talking about that too.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Like people pleasing is part of the perfectionism and the lack of boundaries.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: So when you say no without an explanation, you're pleasing yourself.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't need an explanation.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: You just cannot do it and doesn't even have to be sit, it doesn't have to be followed.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I can't now.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I mean I just can't or no, thank you, I mean it could be.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: Um, here's the text again she's got a new one.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: Well, and the people okay.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to share an example, because I like real world stories too.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: Yesterday I it was grandparents day at my kiddo's school and grandparents aren't local.
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: So I was grandma for the day, grandma um, and one of the things the um director asked was they're getting a new library like checkout system.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: It's like super outdated and they need to put 5,000 books into the system and so they're asking for parent volunteers.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: And she literally asked me so Friday we're doing a training at 1230.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Do you think you can come?
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: And immediately.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: That's where I went to my people pleasing and well, okay, I'll look at my schedule and I'll see what I can do.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: Like in the back of my mind I wanted to say no, like I've got a busy week, I've got stuff happening, because now I'm going to this training, which means I'm committing myself to coming back and spending however many hours doing this whole library system and helping you guys input every book.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: But here I am trying to people, please Ugh.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, see, I mean, but think about it this way and I want to give a perspective.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: This is, I remind myself, pleasing others or people pleasing, or because sometimes you may say, oh, I don't please everybody, I only please this specific person, it doesn't matter.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: Just pleasing anybody, whether it's one person or the whole world, is betraying yourself.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: So when I committed to healing about a few years ago and I was really committed I and even my friends say all the time, like you, you keep using that word.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: I'm like I know because for the for the longest time, I betrayed myself for others and I don't do that anymore.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I will not betray myself again.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: It goes back to the most relations.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: The most important relationship I can have is the one I have with myself, and if I cannot be with myself and be pleased with myself, I'm betraying myself.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I know it's powerful and I know it could like oh type of thing, but it's, it's only the truth yeah and again, because everything also ties it into health.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: When you, when you're in 60, when you're 60 and 70, and you look back and like, why the heck do I have all these health issues?
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: Because all my life I lived, you know betraying myself, people pleasing, and you know thinking about others.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, you know thinking about others.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, you know like dude.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: Just an example Now that you said that I remodeled my whole house based on what others are going to think, I know, and I had to sit with myself, and I'm even saying that on the podcast, I mean I didn't physically remodel it, but my husband my husband did 80% of it and he got so tired and all because it's like, ooh, this will look good.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, people's going to say this.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: And I had to be honest with myself and tell myself and take accountability.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: I mean I love my home, don't get me wrong, I love it, but it could have been.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Maybe some things could have been less or something could have been different if I was pleasing myself.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that goes back to unrealistic expectations too.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: So, like that's.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Another one is look at these expectations you have of yourself.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not even going to bring others into the picture, but, like, what expectations do you place on yourself and why?
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: Like again, you can't strive for perfect.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: So, like, be realistic.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: You're here, we're dropped off on this planet for a reason, and it wasn't to please others, it wasn't to be perfect, it's to learn lessons, it's to have a purpose, it's to share your gifts look at those unrealistic and to enjoy your experience.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yeah, and that's what I'm also going to say too.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Like, challenge that criticism that comes up, go back to our self-love episode, episode two, especially if that keeps popping up.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: So, like, again, that awareness piece is going to be key.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: Looking at when you're getting annoyed with others because you haven't put those boundaries in.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: It's not just looking at that, but it's digging into why am I not willing to put a boundary in place here?
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: What am I in fear of?
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: Like you said, fear is a driving factor.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: Um, you know, if I'm getting into perfectionism or I am, you know, trying to people please, what is that going back to?
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: And a lot of times it's so close yep and oh, please don't take things personally.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Just do not take anything, the good and the bad and I, uh, read the four agreements by don miguel ruiz.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: I read it twice.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Great one and I love it.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: So I do that.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: I definitely recommend reading it.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Don't take anything personal, even the good stuff, even when someone's like praising and saying, oh, my god, you're amazing, thank you, that's it.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: Don't take it personal, because everything that you say to people and they say to you, it's projection of your insecurity, of your experiences, of your stuff, of your junk, of your baggage.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: So, and don't take anything personal, just don't, don't.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: It's just like some things, that's something, okay, yeah, but really work on the don't take it personally.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: That's all mean.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: Do you want to add anything to that other than just don't?
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: do it, no, don't do it.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: And then I think that's where we also draw a line in the sand of like what's good enough to you know, not, not just taking things personally, but if someone says like, hey, you turn this in, you turn this in.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: Or you know, I'm just using work, you know like you've got a deadline and you drop, or even schoolwork, right, your daughter turning in something like don't take it personally If you get a, b, or if your boss tells you this, like if you were doing good enough and you were doing your best, that's all that matters, that's it.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: Don't take anything else personally.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: And I would say also, have compassion and patience with yourself.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Like we said, we're gonna go back to episode one, where we said healing is a journey, and we both said that and we both have been doing it for a minute now.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: We've been doing it for a long time, whether it's health, spiritual, everything on all levels, and just be patient with yourself.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, be super, super patient with yourself, be gracious and be compassionate, kind of like when you, when you, when you call a friend or when you call somebody, um, you don't expect them to yell at you.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: You expect them to be compassionate with you, to understand you, to give you tips, right.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: So that's why it's important to to do that for you.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, also with that perfectionism piece.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to say, because this has been a hard one for me and I'm sure it is for you, but learning to embrace imperfection and mistakes so don't get me wrong, denise and I are not saying you know, go out there and do a shitty job in the world Goes back to good enough, but like knowing that those little mistakes are fine, like a lot of times they're learning opportunities and no one is going to be perfect, because perfection does not exist.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: The mistakes make you you, they allow you to grow.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: There's just so much like flip the switch and I feel like we've talked about it on another episode already but like that's a mindset shift.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: Instead of I'm not good enough, it's like switch it, embrace the imperfection.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: That's there.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: What else?
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: What is another tip?
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: I think that's it.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think those are big ones, don't take it personally, have self-love, compassion yeah, those are huge because that gives people a lot to work through and, honestly, just having the awareness.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: Truly, awareness is like the starting point for everything.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: You can't make changes in your health if you're not aware.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: So I mean we could look at that from a food perspective.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: If you are not aware of even what a healthy diet looks like, you can't make those changes.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: It's not your fault, Just like if you're getting into okay, I have zero boundaries and I allow people to walk all over me.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: When you recognize that and you have the awareness, you can start to dig into why and make shifts.
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: So just bring some of that to light, start looking at these patterns.
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: We all have aspects of perfectionism and lack of boundaries.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: It just presents very differently.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: So that's the goal this week is to dig into that.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: Love that, love that All right love that.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: All right, I think this is it in the books.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: Well, as always, we'll drop things in the show notes and we'll see you guys on the next episode.