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From Eating Disorder to Choosing Wellness · Mom Gone Mild

• 0:08
  Hey, guys, welcome back. I'm your host, Lex.
• 0:11
  This is Mom Gone mild. And today is officially the 10th
• 0:16
  episode. So that means that if you want
• 0:19
  go back, catch up, binge watch episode one through 9.
• 0:24
  You know where it's at. And yeah, so we have covered a
• 0:29
  lot of partying on this podcast, the wild years, the chaos, the
• 0:33
  stories, postpartum anxiety, depression.
• 0:38
  But today is a little bit different.
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  Today is another part of me. I really don't talk about this
• 0:45
  part of me whatsoever. So I don't even talk about this
• 0:50
  really to my close friends, to be honest.
• 0:52
  Yeah, but I just want to get untoxic because over and here,
• 0:58
  like we know we're planning ahead, we're moving forward.
• 1:00
  We're in this whole era of like soft girl era.
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  And with March coming around, I thought it'd be the best time to
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  start 75 hard and just a Wellness journey.
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  I can't step into this without being honest and telling you
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  guys where I've been. So before you get into this
• 1:19
  episode, I do want to give a gentle reminder that this
• 1:22
  episode we'll be talking about eating disorders, addiction and
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  mental health, and postpartum body image.
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  If those topics feel sensitive for you right now, please take
• 1:32
  care of yourselves and skip this episode if needed.
• 1:35
  I promise I won't get mad. So let's just get into it.
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  Today I'm sharing my history with bulimia, addiction and a
• 1:43
  relationship with my body. So all right, let's get into it.
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  I remember being 10 years old in a Weight Watchers meeting.
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  Yeah, 10 years old. I was literally sitting there.
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  I remember we would do like weekly weigh insurance and just
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  like, kind of like give updates throughout, like, you know what
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  we were going through that week. And I remember sitting there and
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  being like, I just feel like this is so off for like a 10
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  year old. I feel like I should be out
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  having fun. I should be out with my friends.
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  But no, I was already so focused on my weight, my body image.
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  And yeah, if you are, if you grew up in the early 2000s, you
• 2:27
  know that that era was freaking brutal.
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  Skinny was everything. I mean, what was in like low
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  rise jeans, flat stomachs, you know, belly button piercings,
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  basically tabloids that would zoom into celebrities Cellulite.
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  I just remember like skinny was in and if you were anything
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  basically above like 6-8, you were considered fat.
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  Yeah, I know it was definitely that era has.
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  It's just like so different from like what we're in now.
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  It's like everything's about body, like, you know, positivity
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  and just, it's so crazy because coming from the other, you know,
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  time, we didn't have that and we didn't have like this whole
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  basically people accepting how you look and just seeing past,
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  you know, your weight. And yeah, it was hard.
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  It got even harder when I was older.
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  I feel like because I would surround myself with a lot of
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  like, tall, gorgeous girls that were super skinny and was I fat
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  back then? No, I was literally like, I'm
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  going to be honest, I was like a size 8.
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  And but the mess up thing is that back then that was
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  considered fat. So yeah, bulimia became a part
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  of me. It became a way of me kind of
• 3:50
  taking control back. It's because I can control the
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  amount of food that I would intake and then everything that
• 3:57
  I would, you know, output. So yeah, if I couldn't control
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  life, I could control food, which was huge to me.
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  That's just the kind of relationship I had.
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  I feel like my family never put like any kind of like, pressure
• 4:15
  on me. I put it on myself.
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  So let's be clear with that. No one really pressured me.
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  They just, like, always were there for me.
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  And I just remember, like, when I was younger, I was like,
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  counting calories. I was drinking slim fasts and,
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  like, replacing meals. And this was like, sorry to go
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  back and forth, but this was like, roughly, like around 12
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  years old. So I was already doing that back
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  then. And yeah, so as you can probably
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  imagine, it got even worse for me as I became an adult.
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  So I was in cosmetology school back then, Literally, my meals
• 4:51
  were Coke, iced coffee and cigarettes all the time.
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  I rarely ate. And when I did, it was like a
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  salad, no dressing. And I counted every calorie I
• 5:02
  put in my body. It was a very toxic
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  relationship. It was lot of back and forth.
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  There was a lot of roller coaster.
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  It just felt like I was always up, always down.
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  Eventually coke became way too expensive, so I ended up, you
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  know, doing worse things, cheaper things.
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  And that's kind of where I started feeling good because I
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  started feeling like, OK, the weights literally coming off
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  because I wasn't eating anything like at all.
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  Like I would have to force myself because I would get like
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  so nauseous and dizzy. And then I started getting a lot
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  of compliments, like you look amazing.
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  You lost so much weight. How did you do it?
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  And I just remember I that how did you do it always scared me
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  because I'm like, I'm not really going to sit here and tell
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  people how I did it. So I would make up this complete
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  crazy lie counting calories, which I did.
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  But it was like staying like, you know, just like on this path
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  of like working out things like that.
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  And yeah, I would go to the gym, but that was more like kind of
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  just to cover up what I was really doing.
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  And yeah, I was really sick. You know, it wasn't discipline,
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  it wasn't confidence. It was absolute self destruction
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  and honestly the hardest part wasn't even the weight loss or
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  like my body image. It was honestly hiding things,
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  hiding things from my loved ones.
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  I was so secretive. You know, addiction makes you
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  lie even when you don't even know you're lying, to be honest.
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  I it makes you disappear emotionally before you
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  physically disappear. I broke a lot of relationships
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  during that time, friends. I had a boyfriend that it really
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  messed with. And then, you know, my husband
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  now, he found out and that was like a whole different thing and
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  it was terrible. But people who genuinely love
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  me, I basically broke all those relationships because I didn't
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  know how to be close to them without telling them the truth
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  about my day-to-day, to be honest.
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  So I kind of pushed them away. And when you're hiding
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  something, you are not present. So it's basically like you are
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  on just automatic on cruise control.
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  I wasn't real. I was performing normal, I was
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  smiling, showing up, working harder than ever.
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  And which is really crazy because I was high functioning.
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  When I say high functioning, it's not like I would show up to
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  work. I'd do myself.
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  No, like I was honors in school. I went above and beyond when I
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  was working and I just like homeless a lot of things.
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  So I think that that was like kind of the worst part because
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  that's why I got away with it for so long, because I wasn't
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  just out partying. I was, you know, taking it
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  literally just to lose weight. So it wasn't like a party drug
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  to me. But yeah, so people never
• 8:12
  questioned it really. Like I, I think I remember some
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  people like being like, you know, you lost weight pretty
• 8:19
  quick. But then like, they would see
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  how I'm doing in life and they wouldn't really question it.
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  They were just kind of like, OK, maybe she's stressed or stuff
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  like that, but that's super dangerous because I was obsessed
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  with my next fix. When am I going to get it?
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  How am I going to get it? I went to sketchy places to get
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  it, to pick it up from the sketchiest people.
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  I literally would meet people at hotels.
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  It was just like really bad. I mean, I'm just really glad
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  that like that is done with because it was so scary.
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  Like, you know, you're in this like kind of mentality of like
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  you will do whatever it takes to get that next fix and you don't
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  care. You don't give a shit where you
• 9:01
  are to get it. Like you can be meeting a
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  straight up serial killer and you're like, ah, you got it.
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  OK, cool. Like I really don't care.
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  Like, that was really scary to me.
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  I like I said, my mind was all over the place, You know, I was
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  constantly calculating, constantly covering my ass, like
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  pretending, just living a double life.
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  And it was so lonely. I wasn't thriving.
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  I was falling apart quietly. I felt like it was like slowly
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  because since I was so highly functional, I wasn't like
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  physically like or like showing people how destructive I was
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  being. But like in my head, I can
• 9:44
  definitely feel like there was nights where of course I took so
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  much that I would literally be up the entire night and then,
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  you know, I would take stuff Downers to fall asleep And it
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  was just like a endless cycle, endless, endless.
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  So eventually I hit a point where my now husband, he found
• 10:02
  out and he told me basically that the ultimatum is, you know,
• 10:06
  you stop, you get help, but yeah, you know, or you continue
• 10:13
  going, but we're no longer together.
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  And was he my, like, reason to stop?
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  No. But he was a huge part of it.
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  Because I personally feel like recovery shouldn't be based on
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  one person because you never know what's going to happen.
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  And I thought it was. He was a huge part of why I
• 10:33
  wanted to quit. But definitely I wanted to quit
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  just so I can stop hiding. It was literally like a second
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  job just hiding and lying. And gosh, it was awful.
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  And yeah, so since I got help, I was off everything.
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  And yeah, so my body once again shot up to, like, gaining
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  weight. And this time it was like the
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  heaviest I've ever been. I felt like I hadn't eaten for
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  obviously I hadn't eaten for years.
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  So it just felt like it was catching up to me.
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  And because I didn't just lose the drugs, I lost the identity
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  of being the skinny one. And yeah, I tried so many
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  shortcuts after that. I tried weight loss pills.
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  I tried Ozempic which I've talked about in the past but I
• 11:23
  have hit a plateau with Ozempic so I'm off of it.
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  I basically tried to do any kind of quick fixes, the cabbage diet
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  and a bunch of just weight loss pills and pills that made you go
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  to the bathroom, pills, just every kind of diet you can think
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  of. I tried, I tried eating, yes, I
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  did try eating healthy. I did try obviously working out.
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  I have gone that route. But with me, it's like I didn't
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  get that instant gratification. So it was really hard for me to
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  continue because I felt like if I wasn't instantly gratified,
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  then I was failing. So my addiction now actually
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  moved from drugs to now food. So it's just like, I feel like
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  it's always like a battle During pregnancy.
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  I didn't feel that at all. Like, during pregnancy, I was
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  fully focused on just being pregnant.
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  I ate healthy. I had my cheat meals.
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  But it wasn't like, I wasn't kind of like, so into, you know,
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  my body image. I was trying to just be as
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  healthy as possible being pregnant.
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  But yeah, postpartum now I feel like postpartum has affected me
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  so much. I never thought I would be like
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  this. I knew that I would have
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  probably some issues because I've already dealt with mental
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  health in the past. I've had issues.
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  So I thought, OK, maybe it'll just be like how it normally is.
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  But honestly, postpartum has hit me so differently.
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  But also, you know, I'm very grateful for this body.
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  It gave me Axel. It gave a safe space for him to
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  grow. It built him, it carried him.
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  It gave me the biggest blessing of my life.
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  I'm super grateful. But it's like I have like a love
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  hate relationship because now even though, OK, so it's like an
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  up and down because after I gave birth, I quickly lost the way, I
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  mean like I like lost 50 lbs right away.
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  And I was like, OK, Dang, I feel good.
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  I feel skinny. But yeah, now six months into
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  it, you know, I'm starting to get that kind of unhealthy
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  relationship with food again. You know, every time I get
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  anxious or things don't go my way, I start eating and yeah, my
• 13:46
  body is softer, my hormones are all over the place, and my
• 13:52
  clothes fit differently, which sucks because I actually bought
• 13:54
  a lot of clothes postpartum because I had lost like 50 lbs.
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  So those clothes don't fit me. And so my confidence is probably
• 14:03
  at an all time low, but A, we're working on it.
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  And I read somewhere, I don't know if this is true or not, but
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  I feel like it could be. I mean, five years does sound
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  like a lot, but I, I heard that you don't fully regulate until
• 14:18
  five years after pregnancy. Five years.
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  I think to myself, I'm like, great, I'm only into this six
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  months, but we are literally expected to bounce back in
• 14:29
  months. And it's like guys in my DM
• 14:31
  saying that A that my postpartum depression is made-up be that
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  their wives have bounced back from that, which is great
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  applause to you guys, but that's not me.
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  And also, you know that I should be feeling a certain type of
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  way. And I'm going to be honest, I
• 14:53
  really don't appreciate it. So if anyone in your life is
• 14:56
  telling you that you should be a certain way, just know that
• 15:00
  wherever you are in life is fine.
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  You know, if you're trying to better yourself, that's great.
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  But if you're content with where you're at, that's fine too.
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  But yeah, so that's pretty crazy.
• 15:12
  But, you know, blocked. And I guess, like, now you guys
• 15:18
  are wondering, like, why am I starting my Wellness journey
• 15:21
  now? So I'm starting it now because I
• 15:24
  feel like I'm finally ready to, you know, move forward because I
• 15:29
  don't want to start something and, you know, know that I can't
• 15:32
  finish it or I don't have realistic expectations because I
• 15:37
  know myself, I'll be even more depressed.
• 15:39
  I'll be even worse than I was before.
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  So we're starting this Wellness journey in March.
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  This is not about getting skinny.
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  This is not about punishing my postpartum body because I love
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  it. This is about discipline without
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  destruction. This is about choosing mental
• 15:57
  health over self sabotage, which we do a lot.
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  It's about healing my relationship with food, which
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  has been a long time coming. I feel like it's just about
• 16:08
  healing basically my body. I'm trying to get back that
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  control that I feel like I have lost.
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  And is it going to be a struggle?
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  Absolutely, because I've been struggling with this for so
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  long. But yeah, so if any of this part
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  resonates with you, if you struggle with weight loss
• 16:28
  throughout your life, whether it's when you were young, when
• 16:32
  you were an adult, postpartum, anything that has basically
• 16:36
  changed, depression, things like that, just know that you're not
• 16:40
  alone. You're not weak, you're not
• 16:42
  crazy, you are not your body size.
• 16:46
  Healing is harder than starving, to be honest.
• 16:49
  Recovery is harder than hiding, but it's worth it.
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  And I feel like I have a lot now, more to live for, like
• 16:58
  being a Good Wife, being a good mom.
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  So I feel like now I'm ready to kind of tackle all these things
• 17:06
  that I put behind me. Yeah.
• 17:09
  So recovery, again, it's hard. It's a struggle.
• 17:12
  And if you are struggling with it right now, please reach out,
• 17:16
  get help. You deserve support.
• 17:18
  You deserve love. You deserve all of it.
• 17:21
  So March is our reset. We're vlogging the journey.
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  We're starting new classes. I may fail.
• 17:29
  Actually, most likely I will fail.
• 17:31
  I have my first Pilates class next week.
• 17:35
  And yeah, I will probably fall on my ass.
• 17:39
  But yeah, if you want to have a good laugh, if you want, I don't
• 17:42
  know, just kind of some motivation.
• 17:44
  If you want, you know, some accountability, we can hold
• 17:48
  ourselves to that. So stick around.
• 17:50
  We're doing daily check insurance, we're building mental
• 17:53
  strength and we are here for each other because we're going
• 17:57
  to be doing this together and Mom Got Mild is doing its very
• 18:02
  first giveaway. Guys, I know it's going to be a
• 18:05
  good one. I swear these prizes, I have
• 18:07
  thought like what if I just keep them?
• 18:09
  But no, they're really good prizes and I want to share them
• 18:12
  with you. I want to, you know, share my
• 18:14
  appreciation and yeah, so if you want to join this journey with
• 18:19
  me, the classes, the healing, the postpartum moments, follow
• 18:22
  me on Instagram at Mom Gone mild under score podcast.
• 18:26
  You can follow me also on TikTok, Mom gone mild under
• 18:29
  score podcast. But the giveaway will be on
• 18:32
  Instagram. That's where I'll be sharing my
• 18:35
  basically my day-to-day real in real time.
• 18:39
  Follow us so you can enter the giveaway of course, or honestly,
• 18:44
  if you just want to follow and just see what we get into next
• 18:49
  come on over. We're getting UN toxic over here
• 18:52
  and we're doing it all together. So guys, happy Friday junior and
• 18:57
  let's catch up next week. Same time, same place.