Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Husband Doesn't Have To Treat The Kids The Same Way You Do

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Your Husband Doesn't Have To Treat The Kids The Same Way You Do · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show Please, Subscribe by clicking.
• 0:11
  The link in the description and then you get access to all the
• 0:14
  bonus episodes. Like my most recent one about
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  sibling rivalry and how to deal with it.
• 0:19
  So today what we are going to be talking about is something else
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  related to children and that is this radical idea.
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  Radical only in this recent era that your husband is allowed to
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  treat the The kids differently than you treat them.
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  So he's even allowed to have his own personality.
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  So I know some of you have to sit down because this is radical
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  this is radical information but I mean you know I joke but
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  honestly I get a lot of couples in counseling where it's like
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  everybody drank the Kool-Aid that the woman knows better than
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  the man, how the man should treat the kids.
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  It's the strangest thing. So the woman is certainly
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  allowed to choose how she The children, but I'm not talking
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  about times where the man is, like, beating the child.
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  It's nothing like this. Nothing, abusive.
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  It's nothing neglectful. It's that he has a different
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  tone of voice or maybe he has different standards are
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  different expectations. Usually erring on the side of
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  harsher, sometimes he even yells.
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  Oh my God. And in reality people nobody
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  believes that a child should be exposed to, literally one kind
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  of person. Analogy.
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  If you were asked this on a multiple choice question quiz,
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  you would not say yes, it is best for my child's developing
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  brain and personality and learning about how to be in the
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  world that they should only be exposed to one sort of
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  Personality ever and it should be mine.
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  I mean that sounds crazy right? So you would know to check off
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  false, right on a test, but then a lot of the more hyper-vigilant
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  overly anxious parents of today specially mothers believe.
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  But everybody should act just like they do with the child and
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  the kicker is that they're usually overly anxious and
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  overly soft on the child. So, they are usually more of
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  what we describe as the helicopter parent and then they
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  believe that anybody who is not a helicopter parent needs to be
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  immediately reprimanded, and the child should be taken out of the
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  potentially abusive, you know, purview of whoever this person
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  is Is whether this is a teacher camp counselor or in fact, the
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  child's father and a lot of this is born from Good Intentions.
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  So a lot of the most anxious parents were themselves
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  neglected or abused in some way. And if, for example, your child
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  who grows up and your father is allowed to run completely
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  roughshod over you and your mother and the other kids and he
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  has horrible anger issues, maybe drinking a Choose and you get
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  hit and smacked and you get screamed at and curse that, then
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  you're going to be very hyper Vigilant to the idea of your
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  child ever being mistreated. So, if that happened to you,
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  then you will see any time that your child is mistreated but
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  you're also going to get a lot of false positives.
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  So there's times where somebody's just annoyed with
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  your child and you're going to think of it as verbally, abusive
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  or somehow harmful. So I will trust that most people
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  listening to this could tell if a gun was to their head, what is
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  abusive and what is not? Because here's the funny thing
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  about this, you know, is people know.
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  I tell them all in the first session, right?
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  If you told me about any child abuse, I have to report it
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  because I'm a mandated reporter. And they say yes, and then they
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  go on to tell me about all this terrible shit that their husband
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  does. So nobody thinks it's abusive.
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  It's Definitely not abusive because they know I'm not
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  reporting it. They're not telling me to
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  report. It's not abusive, it's not
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  neglectful. What it is, is it bothers them?
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  Because, and this is what they don't say, it triggers their own
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  issues from their own upbringing.
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  So personally, I heard a lot of yelling growing up and I hate
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  mail yelling because of that, you know, of course, I also deal
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  with it a lot and couples counseling where men do get loud
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  sometimes. Times.
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  And in that domain, it doesn't trigger me as much triggers me.
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  When I hear a man yelling a child in particular.
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  Right, well though it's not great either of them but as many
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  of my fellow therapists know whatever we do with, you know,
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  it's kind of what we're familiar with.
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  We could be very good at dealing with it and understanding it,
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  but for me, so I'm taking me personally.
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  So the idea of a man who's out of control temper, out of
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  control is definitely trigger, so if I wasn't going to explore
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  it than any, Time that anybody ever raised their voice at my
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  kid, I may get activated you know, Aunt think that they're in
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  a situation where they need immediate protection.
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  So right so I understand this is my point I definitely understand
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  why this would happen. It comes from good intentions
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  but if you try deeply to think about why it activates you so
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  much, it's usually going to come back to you because these same
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  women usually when I when they say for Example.
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  Oh, my husband wanted to my kids room and it was a mess and he
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  said, oh my God, it's a pigsty in here.
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  And so I told him, you know, you can never ever speak to her like
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  that again. And the man is, is like, you
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  know, morning. He's like, oh yes, I know, I
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  know I did something so terrible.
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  Why why did he do something so terrible?
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  I don't understand. So if she leaves her room like a
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  pigsty, right? Why can nobody say that is the
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  word if you're not saying the girl is, Is a pig or a pigsty
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  her cell, you're saying, the room looks terrible.
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  So, this is a normal sort of annoyed response.
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  The room looks like a pigsty in a raised voice.
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  I mean, it's not like, you know, the best, the man's probably not
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  super proud of losing his temper, but did this really harm
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  that kid usually, not within the context of a, loving
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  relationship with the father? This usually it doesn't really
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  do anything except say, maybe I should clean my room or really
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  annoys dad, and some people get more annoyed, this would not be
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  articulated, but this is something a child learned.
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  Some people get really annoyed by me.
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  Not doing what I say. I'm gonna do.
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  I said I was going to clean up my room.
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  He told me to clean up my room. I did it.
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  So that really bothers people and everybody doesn't respond in
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  the way that Mom does wear. Then she says, oh well I guess
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  you know I guess you'll do it tomorrow.
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  Maybe honey. You know and I guess other
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  people say this room is a pigsty.
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  Okay there. Different personality types in
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  the world, got it? I didn't die when Dad said that
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  to me. Maybe it even motivated.
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  Me who knows? And so the child can learn that.
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  There's different personality types but not if both parents
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  are deciding that the mother's personality type is only one
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  that's ever allowed to be around the kids and let the father's
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  best chance at having a happy marriage is to emulate the
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  mother as much as he can. You can imagine, by the way,
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  with this does for the sex life for the mothers to have Of a
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  mirror image of herself trying to be as feminine as possible in
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  dealing with the child because it kills the sex life in case
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  anybody doubted it because you want an assertive proactive man.
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  If you're a heterosexual woman usually you want more of a
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  dynamic proactive man and sometimes that goes along with
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  being more aggressive like all the time.
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  So that's why men play sports like rugby or something you know
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  or anything. Really testosterone leads to
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  more aggression. Men are more aggressive, that's
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  like how it goes. So a man can be both more
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  aggressive, but also not harmful not abusive in any sense and can
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  show a child what another personality type is like that of
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  like a man who gets mad sometimes or who doesn't have a
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  lot of patience. So many men.
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  Remember their fathers as like no Nonsense types and they
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  respect their fathers for that. But there's really very little
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  no-nonsense that is allowed in the current day and parenting
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  climate by men because as soon as it gets more strict or a
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  little bit more rough, the woman usually jumps in and says that
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  this is going to somehow deeply hurt the kid and because most
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  men see their wives reading parenting books.
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  Like you know 30 hours out of the day they they defer They
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  also don't want their wife to hate them, you know?
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  So they will defer and I'll say, well, I guess she knows more
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  than me. I guess everything about my
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  personality is wrong and I guess I should just kind of try to
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  emulate whatever she does. So, if a man does this, he may
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  get along better with his wife. He's certainly not going to get
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  laid anymore because he is of course, then just acting in a
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  more, you know, boring softer kind of way that the exact
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  opposite of what women tend to want in.
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  A man, but what he is going to do is he's going to avoid a
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  fight. But with the child, what happens
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  to the child is that the child sees that there's only one
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  personality type allowed? The person has to be very, very
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  soft and gentle and deferential to me otherwise I might get hurt
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  because obviously, when Dad came in and raised his voice and I'm
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  not saying it's wonderful to yell at your kids, certainly
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  not, but sometimes it happens. Sometimes you raise your voice
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  at your kids. This is normal.
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  Any parent knows that this is normal?
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  And within the context again of a loving relationship.
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  This is fine again. This is it.
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  Screaming cursing, breeding, certainly nothing physical with
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  your kids. This is, I've seen this happen
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  when a parent just literally raises his voice, gets
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  reprimanded. And what happens then is the
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  just child learns that they're very fragile.
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  And this is why also Link in the description of this pose to the
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  stop compulsively, validating your child's every, you know,
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  All right, children, when they learn they're very fragile, then
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  they can't really deal with the world definitionally.
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  They are too fragile. So what happens when a coach
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  raises their voice? You know and says come on get
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  your head in the game. What like then?
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  What happens this was already something that may have happened
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  at home, that their dad got really yelled at for you know,
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  so there they may start to cry. They may feel that the whole
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  sport is not for them. They may take it very personally
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  that the coach is extremely Same thing happens with the teacher,
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  same thing with a friend, you know, if you're playing
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  dodgeball and like somebody screams at you on the other
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  team, don't you want the kids to be used to that?
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  Like sometimes, you know, people yell at me, you know, sometimes
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  people yell, it could mean many things, it could be near
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  inpatient. It could mean, they are feel
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  disappointed. It could mean that they
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  themselves are having a bad day, you know?
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  So it's interesting because it used to be more the case that
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  parents were allowed to have different personalities, but
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  that did not mean that you couldn't explain a personality
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  to a kid who is more sensitive. So, for example, if like let's
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  say dad comes in and the example and says your room is a pigsty,
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  right? And then the kid goes to the mom
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  and says, daddy yelled at me. Oh, all right.
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  So now, what would happen usually?
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  Then the without passing go collecting $200.
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  The woman goes right to the man, usually in front of the kid
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  wine. Not really drive home, but the
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  child is more important than the husband and says, I can't
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  believe that you would yell at her and see a pigsty.
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  Like that is really not appropriate.
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  I really suggest that you would apologize to her right now then
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  the man is like, okay, I'm sorry, like why is he really
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  sorry? Like maybe he does feel sorry in
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  that moment, but how could he know when he's being treated
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  like a child and really kind of Disrespected.
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  So this is not ideal. What would be better if you want
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  to try something new. So your husband comes in and
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  says the room is a pigsty. Your kid comes to you and says,
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  daddy yelled at me, you say. I really hear him yell at you
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  that bad. I think he just said your room
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  is a pigsty. I mean, let's look around.
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  You know, looks looks like a mess to me too.
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  So he did tell you to clean it. So why don't you try to clean
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  it? And then see what he thinks?
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  And then if the kid is like, but a, my feelings are hurt.
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  Then you say, well, I'm sorry that your feelings are.
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  You know, but Dad has a point. Dad loves you remember?
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  Just yesterday, dad, took you to ice cream?
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  Did all that cool stuff with you?
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  Well, you know, today is different day and maybe you need
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  to do your do what he tells you to do, if you would like him to
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  be happier with how your room looks.
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  So why don't you try to clean it?
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  That would be explaining. Hey, look, dad's a person who
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  loves you. That's also a person who gets
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  impatient with your room, so why don't you try to fix this
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  problem? So that way.
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  Way like fast forward then so that childless, he's eight years
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  old, so let's fast forward, 10 years child.
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  Is that his first summer internship and he says, the boss
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  told me that my PowerPoint was trash.
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  So what are you going to say? Why don't you quit?
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  Quit quit and I'll give you money for the whole summer.
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  I'll give you gas money, I'll give you everything.
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  No, hopefully not what you would say is oh, was your PowerPoint
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  garbage, you know? Like wow, how was your
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  PowerPoint? You can send it to me.
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  I look at your PowerPoint, so, Like your boss was having either
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  a bad day or your PowerPoint was so bad that it gave him a bad
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  day. So let's try to look at it.
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  We want to keep a really matter-of-fact tone with our
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  children about the idea of people having different
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  personalities. Now, this is a common thing
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  among anxious people to feel like you're setting some sort of
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  a precedent such that. If you say if you're cool with
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  one thing, then you got to be cool with everything.
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  So let me explain so that an anxious person Might feel like
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  if they kind of minimize the boss saying your PowerPoint look
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  like trash, then the child will be okay if the boss sexually
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  harasses them or, you know, I don't know.
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  Punches them in the face. This is not true.
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  You know what you are trying to do is not minimize its to
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  normalize the idea that people can have responses that you
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  don't like and frequently. Takes two to tango and maybe
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  your PowerPoint was crap. Now, they keep the, if they
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  email you something that's like world's best PowerPoint, right?
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  Then you could be like, yeah, I guess your boss was having a bad
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  day but hey, try harder. Is there anything good about
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  this boss? The boss.
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  Like anybody, you know, is this boss, somebody who's going to
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  really set you up to have like a good reference letter?
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  How'd you find the boss? Let's focus on the positive.
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  If every day, the kid comes in and says my boss, you know, not
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  only says, my PowerPoint is trash, girl, so that I look like
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  trash and then say, Then why don't you get another
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  internship? Sounds like this is a difficult
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  person, but if you constantly conflate something like a raised
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  Voice or one negative comment with the idea that your child is
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  being abused and harmed by an egregiously acting aggressive
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  crazy person, then your child not only will not do well with
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  their other parent, but will not do well with anyone who does not
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  have it extremely Soft, gentle overly deferential personality,
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  which is at least you know, 50% of the world and should be at
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  least 50 percent of the world, right?
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  Because everybody should not have the same personality,
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  that's a crazy thought and the idea that everybody should treat
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  any situation? The same is just nonsensical.
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  People are all along the bell curve in terms of how they act.
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  So why don't you think about this idea?
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  Share it with your partner and really be open.
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  With whether you have been respectful of different sorts of
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  ways of approaching the kit, you know, or whether you have acted
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  like one parent, usually, the man's personality is just
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  terrible and needs to be worked on at every turn.
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  When really they fall? Within normal normal personality
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  type and the child knows that the parent loves them.
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  Now, the child doesn't think that the parent loves them.
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  If you see the child being totally, Scared constantly of
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  this parent and they don't want to be left alone ever.
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  And you know, like you oh, here's a real key one.
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  If your child act like even when they're getting something good.
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  So like even if Dad says, hey, come on, I'll take you for ice
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  cream. The kids still doesn't want to
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  go. Then there's a problem, you
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  know, then there's something going on, but if the kid is
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  cool, whenever Dad's doing exactly what the Kid Likes, but
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  then the key, when the dad says to do something that Kid doesn't
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  want to do. Then the kid says dad is mean.
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  Well, then dad's me because definitionally he's not doing
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  what I want. That is something to still
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  respect a different personality. You will know if you have a
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  child that totally hates and fears another parent, this is
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  not the usual situation. Unless by the way, just as a
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  corollary to this, that sometimes happens when there's
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  intense marital conflict and a child allies with one parent.
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  So, Is a situation where Dad is, maybe a totally nice guy.
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  Yeah, he has a temper sometimes but nothing out of the norm,
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  bought the fighting between Mom and Dad is so severe and the
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  child is allied with Mom so much, Dad, Dad, whatever dad
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  does. He seems like a tremendous
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  villain and then that will be the situation where he doesn't
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  want to even go with Dad for ice cream.
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  But this doesn't have to do with dad being an abusive parent.
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  It has to do with the fact of both parents being abusive in
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  the the fact that they are allowing their child to be
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  exposed to so much marital conflict.
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  So, I can actually link to that to, I'll link to that article to
• 18:44
  about exposing your kids to marital conflict.
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  Constantly is abusive. All right, so discuss this with
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  your parent, parent, partner, and hopefully gave you some food
• 18:54
  for thought, something to think about, in a new way and have a
• 18:57
  great day, everyone.