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Trying to Sink A Ship To Hit On The Coast Guard? · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here? But first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour. So absurd, so
0:10
questionable. Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour. Okay, Alan, I want you to
0:25
sit in the hot seat for us. I'm in the seat.
0:31
It's not hot, but it's, let's say, comfortably
0:34
warm. You're hot in it, though. You look great.
0:37
Thank you, thank you. Short shorts, button, shirt
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button, not all the way. From the bottom. Not
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from the top, from the bottom. Not like you'd
0:46
think. You look like a cholo. Knee -high boots.
0:50
Yeah. Knee -high boots. Unzipped. You've shown
0:54
some skin. I want to be able to take the boots
0:57
off if I need to. He doesn't want to get too
1:01
hot either. In the hot seat, I guess. Yeah, in
1:03
the hot seat. But also if I gotta go. The boots
1:06
are not completely off so I can zip those bad
1:08
boys up and get out of here. And they'll make
1:09
a dramatic zip as you zip them up. It's way longer
1:12
than you think. By the time you think it should
1:18
be done, it's still going to be zipping. But
1:24
you're in the hot seat and you're on a high horse
1:26
because you get to travel this week. You're going
1:29
somewhere. You're actually going somewhere. This
1:31
isn't a hypothetical. This is actual reality,
1:33
which us three in this room don't exactly live
1:36
in too often. No, not really. You're going to
1:39
Seattle? Seattle, yeah. So let's keep it in reality
1:42
here, obviously. You're flying, right? This isn't
1:45
like a old covered wagon trail style journey?
1:51
We will be taking two planes. Now, you're taking
1:54
two planes at the same time, like one leg in
1:56
one plane, one leg in the other, ski style. Actually,
2:01
I'm flying in one plane. My wife and son are
2:04
flying in another. Yeah. I wanted to get rid
2:06
of that responsibility of having to take care
2:08
of them on the flight. Sure, sure. You don't
2:11
have to keep the baby, the crying baby. Yeah,
2:13
yeah. You put him in the pilot seat. Throw him
2:18
in the cockpit. So that's cool. You're taking
2:20
two planes, same time. You're looking like a
2:22
World War II bomber raid with you and your wife.
2:27
Are there going to be other passengers on this
2:28
plane? I'm going to assume so. That's kind of
2:31
how... air transit works is i'm not i know people
2:34
might think because we're just three podcasting
2:37
moguls that we just have the kind of money to
2:39
just have two planes by ourselves but we're a
2:43
couple of just every men you're telling me you
2:46
didn't check the manifest it seems like you you
2:48
would be someone that would check the manifest
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he did write a manifesto yeah that's what you're
2:53
that's what you're thinking that's what you're
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thinking i missed the oh So you're writing a
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manifesto before you go on this trip? It's more
3:00
like a dear diary. Should we assume the plane's
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not going to land correctly? The plane's going
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to land just fine. What I'm doing is I'm like,
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I'm writing ahead about what I think my day is
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going to be like. See, when we were going to
3:14
Seattle for a wedding, but I've got ulterior
3:17
motives. As you guys know, I always like to try
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and make a trip worth it. If I can knock out,
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kill two birds with one stone, you know. to go
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hunt some orcas i think okay and orcas uh historically
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you know just predators of the of the cold water
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you know um got two fake eyes on their head um
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those little white dots you find them to be dishonest
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they're yes they are one of the most dishonest
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creatures in the world i want to say federally
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protected as well right you don't care who's
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asking you know he lives by god's law that's
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right yeah i don't think that federal government's
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gonna be in the water you know gotta be a different
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different body of government there you believe
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the federal government's a physical thing that
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can actually be swimming in the water i think
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they leave what happens in the water up there
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to the natives are you going back in time like
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with the natives do you think this is like a
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different reality of a different world no no
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i just i just think that the way that they the
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way that they govern up there is they say Land,
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yes, that is the normal government. But as a
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way to coexist with the Native American population,
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I believe that they gave the waters to the Native
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Americans to control. You're talking about the
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Native Americans, not just people born in Seattle.
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No. No, I can see where that might have been
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a little bit of point of confusion. You need
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a plane to hunt orcas? Really taking a new twist
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to the white whale Moby Dick style hunt. Yeah,
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yeah. I mean, there's going to be a harpoon gun.
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But I mean, you guys know that's the way that
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I live. My life is just with a harpoon gun. You
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did. You brought it in. You brought it in with.
4:59
Yeah. I mean, it went off. There's a harpoon
5:01
in the ceiling right now. It is inconvenient
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because it is a one shot. Yeah. You know, like
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you, you got to go back and I'm going to have
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to pry it out of the ceiling here and reload
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again. And you don't do the reloading gracefully.
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It's a lot of grunting. Yes. A couple misfires
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along the way. Yeah, and it sucks because I only
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have one harpoon. Yeah, so if you miss a whale.
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If I miss a whale, my trip's kind of done for.
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I mean, I'm still there for the wedding. I can
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do all that, but no dead whale. No dead whale.
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Yeah, you'll go to that wedding all wet and sad.
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Yeah, I guess that was going to be my question.
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Are you mad when you miss it, or are you just
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like, all right, and you just move on? Move on
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to the next thing. You know, it's kind of disappointing,
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I think. I think I'll live to see another day.
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You're not going to kill yourself with a harpoon.
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He doesn't have a harpoon anymore. That's true.
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Okay, well, you'll live to see it another day
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because you don't have the ability to knock yourself
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off. Yeah, yeah. I think there's more to life
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than orcas. That's interesting seeing you got
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the orca tattoo on your chest saying life is
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orca. Not much more than orcas, but it is more
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than orcas. It is an orca with his mouth open
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and the teeth say life is orca. Yeah, which from
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a sentence structure standpoint. It doesn't make
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a lot of sense. No, no. Well, that's good. I
6:19
feel bad for the orcas out Seattle way. It's
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not a great shot. That is true. That's a good
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point. And he'll be very noticeable by the fact
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that he's using an old school oil lamp on the
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boat to look for. Yeah, I'll be the one dressed
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like a 1800s whaler. Lots of big leather coats.
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Yeah. Wide brim hats. What else is there to life
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if it's not just orcas? I think one of the big
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things that's really important to life is electricity.
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Electricity is definitely ahead of orcas. So
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just kind of by the logic you use in life, orcas
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are most of life, so you hunt them. Yeah. Do
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you now hunt electricity and those who make it?
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He sees a fuse box. He sends a harpoon right
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through it, dude. They spark it and electrocute
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everywhere. They still suck on harpoons. Yeah,
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he hunts it with the harpoons. I would say, yeah,
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we got to hunt electricity. It's important, but
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not so important we got to have it, right? Listen,
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there were people that lived for hundreds of
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years, thousands even, not using electricity.
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They did just fine. Genghis Khan did just fine.
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So, OK, so I get it now. At first, I was thinking
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that you were very pro electricity, that, yes,
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most of life's value comes from the slaughtering
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of orcas. And electricity is a good thing. But
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you're saying that you would want to do away
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with it because at some point humans live without
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it and you will try to physically kill voltage
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as it run through, run through. runs through
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wires well i'm not gonna lie that's how it started
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you know as the as this thing started you know
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peek behind the curtain it was going to be electricity
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was uh everything now like after after evan said
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a few choice words i've come to say electricity
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is nothing and it needs to be hunted flip on
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in on a dime like you would just change your
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mind on an instant yeah You're going to have
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to go to your pro -electricity rallies and really
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break the news that, you know what, maybe this
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isn't what I stand for anymore. Yeah. You flip
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off the lights as you leave. You're like, I'm
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done. It'll be a problem for a lot of people,
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I think, but they'll get over it, I'm sure. So
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you're saying in your brain, electricity has
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no power anymore. There's another tattoo for
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you. Yeah, let me write that down. I need to
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get to my ink artist. All right, well. uh that's
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very fun but i think i feel like this is a great
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segue into whoever's listening right now you
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should also tell people about questionable detour
9:08
tell them to come over hang out we talk about
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killing wells and how we hate electricity i mean
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really where else is there yeah you're not gonna
9:16
find that content anywhere else i don't think
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yeah nowhere nowhere else and probably for good
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reason uh but welcome to questionable detour
9:24
let's do a hypothetical can i pose a somewhat
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abstract purely hypothetical question. I guess
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I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical
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question. Well, that's a hypothetical question.
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All right. So for this hypothetical, I really
9:39
want to know what y 'all do on a cruise. Cruises
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to me are so interesting. People say they want
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to travel, but really they just want to stay
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on a hotel that's watertight. That's it. An all
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inclusive. buffet drinking just really a boat
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of gluttony that's all people want to do on a
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cruise and i just want to know how y 'all handle
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going on a cruise what do y 'all do what's it
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like cruises for me when you're surrounded by
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thousands of people you guys know how lonely
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it is there's people everywhere but what are
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you getting out of it so i like to bring my flare
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gun um i like to bring just emergency distress
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signals I like to call in to the local Coast
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Guard, just kind of get other people on board.
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Like the Coast Guard, like local shipping vessels
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or local fishing vessels that maybe hear our
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distress signal and want to come try to help
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rescue, quote unquote. I just like to get as
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many people on this cruise ship as I can so I
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can feel that there's somebody else there. Let's
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say you reach out to emergency services and...
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They say, you know, you're not really on the
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priority call list right now. We've got an oil
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rig on fire out here. We've got to deal with
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first. How do you put yourself higher on the
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priority list for them? How do you escalate it?
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Yeah, you never want to hear that because that
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does. That really pisses you off. It really gets
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my goat because what do you mean I'm not high
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on the priority list? What do you mean that I
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want you here so bad, but you don't want to be
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here? That just. ooh ruffles my feathers and
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what an oil rigs on fire how do i become first
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priority maybe we gotta set the cruise ship yeah
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i was assuming that's where you'd go yeah i don't
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want to do it they've made me do it sure your
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hands are tied this isn't on me they made me
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set the cruise ship on fire so they would respond
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to my call and it really answers my question
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on do you go through with creating situations
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where they actually need to come save the ship?
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Or is it you sneak into the helm? And you just
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somehow commandeer the radio and just start sending
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out SOS signals. Based on that answer, you are
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doing what's necessary to actually make this
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real. I'll do anything to get these people on
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board because I paid thousands of dollars to
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be on this cruise ship. I don't want to be bored.
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I don't want to be lonely. Who knows a good time
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better than the United States Coast Guard? So
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I need these people on board or else I've just
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wasted thousands of dollars. We talked about
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the fire, but is there a situation where you
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realize that the ship is too watertight? And
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maybe you go down into the engine room and start
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just pulling on different levers and maybe take
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a big, big wrench and start just like unscrewing
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nuts and bolts just to maybe have like a Titanic
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situation. So, yeah, I mean, I'll put a I'll
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put a hole in the bottom of the boat. Can you
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tell me how you put a hole in the bottom of the
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boat? What method used to punch through may probably
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inches of steel at the bottom of the boat? I
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got a sharp wrench that I've whittled down. in
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my bunk, as I like to call it. This sounds like
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a prison situation. I whittled down a wrench.
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You got a whittle wrench? A whittle wench. I
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whittled my whittle wench into a sharp metal
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object that I then ferociously start banging
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on the bottom of the boat. Yeah, you just brute
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strength it. Yeah. I want to ask, so you're putting
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holes in the bottom of the ship. You're setting
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it on fire. Are you on top of the ship just setting
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off that flare gun? I want to explore the flare
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gun real quick. Well, the flare gun, it has a
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lot of uses. Of course, I bring as many flares
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as I can carry. That is my carry -on, is just
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flares. Heaven forbid somebody light a match
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around you, because it will light up like Christmas.
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Well, you may be wondering how I start my fires,
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and that's where half my ammo goes, is just shooting
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flares into the top deck and interior cabins.
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You're just running down the hallway opening
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cabins shooting flares? Just popping flares off,
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desk pop after desk pop. um of flares and then
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the other half is me standing on top of the smokestack
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of the cruise ship where you know the exhaust
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is coming out from the engine and i'm just up
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there popping flares off as i uh as i see fit
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i assume you're dual welding fire flare guns
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almost like a old mexican cowboy just shoot them
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in the air as you run up and down the the deck
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of the ship as everybody tries to enjoy a sunny
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day out exactly and i'm going high pitch screaming
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as i'm doing it of course yeah Give us a rendition
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of that. Go ahead and give us a high pitch scream.
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Wow. Okay. Yeah. I was very vulnerable of you
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to share that noise with us. Thank you. What
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if somebody tries to stop you from shooting these
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flares? Is it a high noon situation where you
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quick draw on them? Shoot a sparkling flare at
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them? Well, I would say it is a draw situation,
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but I'm a fair man. I give them 10 paces. We
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go back to back 10 paces. Turn around and draw.
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You can't count to ten, though, so it's... No,
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I've only learned to count to eight. So I always
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fire first, and I always win. They assume you're
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dishonest. You're just dumb. No, I just don't
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know what's going on. Yeah. It's better that
14:53
you count to eight and not twelve, and they turn
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around, and you're just kind of walking away.
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Like, you're just disinterested in the situation.
15:00
They feel bad. Yeah, I get shot in the back.
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it's also kind of impressive that you're able
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to talk these security guards into doing this
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because their whole job is to stop you and the
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charisma that you have to have to go wait a minute
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have you ever seen lonesome dove yeah exactly
15:16
yeah and that's just my german mexican heritage
15:19
um very persuasive people yeah you head back
15:23
up to the helm you get a hold of the radio you
15:25
want to give us a rendition of maybe what that
15:28
sos call when when you know maybe the the coast
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guard hears it S .O .S., S .O .S., this is the
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Carnival Cruise headed to Nassau. We got a couple
15:45
souls on board. We're on fire. It's hot. There's
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some mosquito -sized holes in the bottom of the
15:50
boat as well. We're sinking slowly. Help? Help,
15:56
please? Come on. Yeah, this is Rear Admiral Peterson
16:02
of the USS. USS Toledo. You say you got a bunch
16:13
of mosquito -sized holes in your hole? Yeah,
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I whittled a wrench down. Hey. Can you do the
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mitting to it? I whittled a wrench down, and
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I started banging the bottom of the boat. Started
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hitting the bottom of the boat with the little
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sharp wrench, and I could barely make any headway.
16:34
We need help, though. It worked a little bit.
16:36
We need help. Are you guys going to come on?
16:39
All right, so that connection was a little fuzzy.
16:41
You had a little winch, and you're banging in
16:46
the bottom of the boat. Is this a legitimate
16:50
emergency, or are you just bored? Yeah, of course.
16:53
There's a fire. What do you mean, is it an emergency?
16:57
Come on, bud. I need somebody, okay? Listen,
17:03
listen. I paid thousands of dollars for this
17:06
thing. I'm so lonely. Unfortunately, we won't
17:09
be able to rescue you, but as you've said, this
17:12
is an active hostage situation. We're going to
17:15
call in a drone strike, I think. Wait, on me?
17:21
It seems like nobody should have to go through
17:24
what you're going through on this cruise ship.
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I, as somebody who is of the sea, understand
17:29
your reverence for it. You'll come hang? Nope,
17:33
not that. But just so that nobody else has to
17:36
go through what you're going through right now,
17:38
I'm sure you'd be willing to sacrifice yourself
17:40
as we just sink this vessel. I think that it's
17:45
not one of their nicer vessels. I'll tell you
17:48
that. It is Carnival. I'm not going to lie. I
17:51
don't love it, but it feels like an overcorrection,
17:55
if I will. I don't feel like I want to die, but...
17:59
I mean, I guess if that's what you feel like
18:00
we have to do. I know you guys are like the best
18:03
of the military. Thank you for that. So we can
18:06
either call in that drone strike or I can enlist
18:08
you right now. Oh. I mean, those are my options.
18:16
Bravo 2 to USS Toledo. We are en route to the
18:19
hostage ship. T -minus 35 seconds until arrival.
18:24
Go ahead and give us the green light to splash
18:26
down. Over. Bravo 2, this is Rear Admiral Peterson
18:29
of the USS Toledo. I'm going to have to ask you
18:31
to hold up there just for a second. We might
18:34
have someone coming over to our side. We might
18:36
be coming in with a fellow brother in arms. Who
18:39
is that? Negative there, Toledo. I have my finger
18:44
already on the trigger, and it's going to be
18:45
hard to pull the reins back on this. Is he coming
18:48
to hang out? Well, you do what you see fit. God
18:52
help us all. Hey, Rear Admiral, who is that?
18:56
So I'm coming, right? So I'm going to be in the
19:01
Coast Guard and I'm going to get my Sea -Doo?
19:03
Son, I'm going to be honest with you. This is
19:05
going to be our last communication. What about
19:08
the Sea -Doo? New number. Who dis? I guess my
19:12
final question is, you do all this and it's successful.
19:15
You get all the emergency services onto this
19:17
boat. What then? What's the end outcome to this?
19:21
We crack a couple cold ones and... I assume a
19:25
cold one is a dead body at this point. I assume
19:27
there have been many deaths. Yeah, I mean, they're
19:30
still warm by the time they get there, hopefully.
19:35
Yikes. But I did primarily mean cold brewskis.
19:39
Me and the boys from the Coastie Gardie are cracking
19:43
some cold ones, talking about... You know, all
19:47
the things they do while they're doing the Coast
19:50
Guard thing, which is anything but military things.
19:54
So we just, you know, hang out. It's sinking.
20:01
Fire. And there's this drunk guy just so happy
20:05
to see you. Yep. You give him hugs. Long hugs.
20:10
Too long. Your hands are strolling up. Wandering.
20:13
Yeah. Wandering up and down their back. Yeah.
20:18
You compliment their back. You go down to the
20:22
glutes. One of these two. It's just, it's like
20:27
they don't, these are military men, you know,
20:29
like they've been working out. They've been putting
20:31
time into their bodies. You want to put something
20:33
else in their bodies. Cold brewskis. Cold brewskis.
20:38
And good times. Yeah, so anyway. In about three
20:42
inches. Generous. Okay, so you're really filling
20:50
these guys up. They're going to be pretty pissed
20:52
off. Yeah, but I'm going to be so excited to
20:54
see them. They might be excited because they
20:56
have something to do. Exactly. They may also
20:59
be excited because they finally have something
21:01
to do. It's not military action, but they got
21:04
something to do. They got action. They're going
21:06
to get a really heavy anti -coast guard episode.
21:11
I say that as I walk up to him. I say my body
21:13
is warm. Not warm. I say my body is a temple
21:16
and my body is a wonderland. How shall we proceed?
21:20
They just... What would you like to do with this
21:23
information? The ball is in your court. And slowly
21:29
they just, they look confused at first. They
21:31
drop their guns from high ready and then slowly
21:34
they just put them down. They just, they slowly
21:37
just come around to the fact that this is...
21:39
now the situation well they're putting their
21:41
gun down because it's like the michael jackson
21:44
music video where i slowly put my hand on the
21:47
tip of the gun and i push it down yes yeah and
21:50
you stick one barrel in your mouth you gotta
21:56
nom it yeah i say do god's will drop the gun
22:05
into one of their pockets and you're like what's
22:09
going on here what you got what'd you bring What'd
22:14
you bring in this venture? A wanderer. Your mouth's
22:18
on the barrel and you're just taking things out
22:20
and looking and tossing it. Is that a bullet?
22:24
Is that a bullet in your pocket or are you just
22:26
happy to see me? You pull out a snack and you
22:30
eat it. I mean, while I'm here. Eat it around
22:33
the barrel. You know, I thought the bulk of this...
22:45
answer was going to come from how you disable
22:47
the ship really the the meat of it if you will
22:50
is what happens when they get on this answer
22:54
starts when they arrive everything else was the
23:00
prologue i would not want to be on that cruise
23:05
you would want to be in the coast guard you got
23:09
to it before i could deny that so i guess i don't
23:13
know how to end that I think that's it. All right,
23:17
Alan, you're going on a cruise. What's that like?
23:20
How do you take a cruise? How do you take a boat
23:22
vacation? One of the things I like about a vacation
23:24
is being able to spend it with other people.
23:27
Being able to relax and enjoy the company of
23:30
others. Problem with that is there are very few
23:33
people that want to go on a vacation with me.
23:35
Ah, that's sad. It is. One of the opportunities
23:40
that a cruise presents is just... being stuck
23:45
somewhere with a bunch of other people. They
23:48
can't escape. They can't escape. And what I like
23:52
to do is I like to pick out some people on the
23:55
cruise and pretend to be their distant relation,
24:00
their distant cousin. Say, hey, we met one time.
24:03
Family reunion, 05. We were on the same kickball
24:07
team. And I just like to... Get in close with
24:10
them. I gaslight them into believing that I'm
24:13
one of their old relatives. And then they'll
24:15
buy me things. Even though most of it's free?
24:18
They're like, you pick up a free pizza off the
24:20
bar. And they're like, wait a second. Let me
24:24
pay for this. You pick it up and you say, thanks,
24:28
pal. This one's on you. If you make them think
24:32
they're paying for you, they feel really good
24:34
about themselves. how selfless of you now i i
24:38
like i like using people for financial gain that
24:42
i mean of course great it's like my mo steal
24:46
money take money now how far are you going with
24:49
this let's say they accept you i assume they
24:52
do right because you're very persuasive yeah
24:54
they go okay cousin alan do you then stay with
24:58
him the whole time like do you bunk with him
24:59
like you're like i have my own room but i mean
25:02
now that we're family might as well share a bed
25:04
you know I follow them to their room at night.
25:08
Do they know? They do. Okay. My thing is you
25:12
never want to have that conversation lull. Don't
25:15
ever let that conversation die down. So as long
25:18
as you're constantly talking to them, they never
25:20
have the chance to say, okay, well, I got to
25:23
get out of here. I got to go to bed. You keep
25:25
talking. Oh, you're one of those people. Walk
25:27
them all the way to their door. If you feel things
25:30
starting to go south, get a video on your phone.
25:34
somewhere between 10 20 minutes yeah um stare
25:40
them in the eyes the whole time they're watching
25:41
it lock eyes so they know you're engaged yeah
25:44
prime engagement um and then if there comes a
25:48
part in that video where you enjoy it but they
25:51
didn't seem to get the gist of it maintain eye
25:53
contact and just rewind that a little bit back
25:57
it up 30 and say let's watch this again and this
26:00
time uh pay attention Let's show a little enthusiasm.
26:06
You find a way to always be in constant contact
26:10
with them. You walk them to their room and they
26:12
open the door while you're still talking to them.
26:14
You're still watching those videos. So you get
26:16
in there. You slide right in. The door opens.
26:19
You don't even allow them to shut the door. What
26:21
you do is when they open the door, you act like
26:24
they're opening it for you. You're like, thank
26:26
you. Thank you, guys. I appreciate that. Very
26:28
chivalrous of you. And because they're so chivalrous,
26:30
well, You didn't have to offer me your bed, but
26:33
I'll take it. I appreciate you sleeping on the
26:36
floor. And you just sort of become the main character
26:39
of somebody else's family vacation. And I assume
26:41
you need to take a shower almost immediately.
26:43
It's been a long day, yeah. And somebody is sweaty.
26:46
And somebody that's proud of their body. Yeah,
26:49
definitely. You just robe immediately, too. You're
26:53
like, it's time to hop in the shower. Wash this
26:56
filth off. Yeah, yeah. I definitely have to clean
26:59
up. It was mostly sunscreen, wasn't it? And the
27:02
thing I appreciate about you too, Alan, is you're
27:04
pretty environmentally conscious, so you like
27:06
to save water as much as possible. You invite
27:08
them in for the shower. Absolutely. They're not
27:12
big showers on those cruise ships. It's like
27:15
showering in a cabinet. It's like Harry Potter
27:21
showering under the stairs. yeah yeah you're
27:24
still watching a video in there while you're
27:27
in there with them in the shower you're like
27:29
check this out yeah i put that phone in a in
27:31
a ziploc freezer bag um just so there's no water
27:35
getting in there's there's no way that video
27:37
is going to stop because of the water you know
27:39
you put ziploc freezer bags on your feet too
27:42
you don't want to get that wet he has a bad case
27:45
of athletes yeah that's true Yeah, that's it.
27:48
That's it, too. You take off your clothes, put
27:50
on the Ziploc freezer bags on your feet. You're
27:53
like, well, I just want to be conscious. I mean,
27:55
this is my family. You know, I don't want them
27:57
to get exposed to any athlete's foot that I've
27:59
got going on. Showers are tiny. It's it's inconvenient.
28:03
The beds are also tiny, which is convenient.
28:05
Yeah. That's convenient. That's convenient because
28:08
they can't sleep in there. I've taken the bed
28:11
and they've gotten to the floor. But in the middle
28:13
of the night, you get up and get in the floor
28:14
with them. It's a spooning situation. What I
28:17
do is in the middle of the night, I get in the
28:20
floor, I pick up their limp body and put it in
28:22
the bed. Did you kill them? No, they're just
28:25
asleep. No, no, he said they're unconscious.
28:29
He tried to slip that bias. They're unconscious.
28:32
But then I wake up, and I'm like, and so I go
28:34
over to him, and I'm like, hey, man, did you,
28:35
cousin, did you just swap spots with me in the
28:38
bed after you already gave me the bed? And now
28:40
they're feeling real guilty. Oh, you gaslight
28:42
them. Yeah, yeah. After you poured your shower
28:46
on them, you're going to gaslight them? They're
28:47
feeling real guilty, and they're like, oh, my.
28:50
They're like, I do sleepwalk. They are profusely
28:52
apologizing. I mean. Are you still naked? Did
28:56
you ever put clothes back on? Are they just apologizing
28:59
to you full dangle? I definitely put clothes
29:03
on. What I wear to sleep is something a little
29:06
bit different than most. It's half a mascot uniform.
29:10
Which half? Bottom half. So the head is exposed.
29:15
Because it would be terrible to them not know
29:18
who you are for a little bit because the top
29:20
half was on. yeah yeah it's big it's big bird
29:23
going full dangle yeah that would be that would
29:25
be very it'd be very frightening um but i find
29:28
it comforting to uh just know who's under the
29:30
mask sure which uh which mascot is it that you
29:34
usually go for i've got a variety just because
29:37
you know you never want to repeat you know tacky
29:40
it is it is and if anything i am a professional
29:43
um the one that i the one that i've used most
29:45
recently is a tiger mascot Okay, so just a general
29:49
tiger. I think that's cool. That's not freaky.
29:51
That's not freaky at all. I would say when they
29:53
wake up at night, but it doesn't sound like they're
29:55
waking up. It sounds pretty knocked out. Use
29:58
that unconscious. And I want to kind of get into
30:01
that. I figured you might. How do they fall asleep?
30:05
Or enter unconsciousness, I guess is a better
30:07
way of phrasing for that. How do they go under?
30:11
Is it like a Dennis Laughing Guy situation? Maybe
30:14
you fill the room with it. And you're just like,
30:17
man, I hope I also don't pass out. It is like
30:20
a Dennis laughing gas situation. But I can't
30:23
fill the room because I'd be worried about accidentally
30:26
filling the other rooms with gas. I just have
30:28
a breathing mask with just a canister of that
30:32
sleeping gas attached to it. And, you know, stick
30:36
it over their mouth, nose, breathing it in, breathing
30:40
in long draws. You're behind them. You're smiling.
30:43
You take a hit every now and then. you're like
30:48
they're they're slowly passing like don't hog
30:51
it like take a hit every now and just to feel
30:54
something right as they're about to pass out
30:58
i take it away from them and i get a hit myself
31:00
and then they come back to consciousness a little
31:02
bit and then i say here you go i give it back
31:05
to them and we we do that a couple times you
31:07
know they're fading in and out of consciousness
31:11
Very often. It's a good back and forth. It's
31:13
like a yo -yo situation. That's just torture.
31:16
Well, we don't want to say, we don't say torture.
31:19
All right. Okay. Okay. So you, you, you gas.
31:22
Yeah. Yeah. They've already, they've already
31:25
been emotionally gas lit. It would only make
31:27
sense that they are actually physically, you
31:30
know, yeah. Physically gas lit. So you, you,
31:33
you, you gas them and there's no doubt about
31:35
it. You went, you could have filled the room
31:36
with the gas. and maybe had some plausible deniability
31:40
that it was you. I could have. You'd stick it
31:43
right on their face, fingerprints all over it.
31:45
Not exactly, though. Oh, okay. I'm wearing a
31:48
mascot uniform. There's no way you have the dexterity
31:52
enough to use this contraption. There's no way.
31:57
You're fumbling with it. But it's only the bottom
31:59
half of the mascot uniform. So you're telling
32:04
me they only ever saw the bottom half of the
32:06
mascot uniform. So if the cops or security came
32:09
in there and they were like, please identify
32:11
this man. And they just showed a bunch of pictures
32:13
of people's bottom halves, a normal bottom half,
32:16
a normal person's bottom half, and then a tiger
32:18
suit. Oh, you were in a tiger suit the whole
32:21
time? Yeah. Oh, okay. He's in a mascot uniform.
32:23
Which, okay, I'm glad that cleared that up. Let's
32:26
talk about the police officers only showing them
32:28
bottom halves of people. Well, because he only
32:31
has the bottom half of a mascot uniform. Well,
32:33
it's like the bottom half of a mascot uniform.
32:37
I think is just neck down. Yeah, sure. So basically
32:41
they can show a bunch of pictures of my face,
32:44
but the family would be like, I don't know. Do
32:47
they like where he's a, where he's like a centaur
32:50
or something? Like I, I just, I'm having trouble
32:53
visualizing it because this bottom half was a
32:56
tiger. he was like he was like an egyptian god
32:59
yeah yeah and they're all hopped up on the gas
33:02
there's no way their memory is at all sharp yeah
33:05
yeah they think they're talking about a sphinx
33:08
and the police are like at your high that doesn't
33:11
make any sense but really they know exactly what
33:13
they're talking about honestly once you explain
33:17
it it makes total you you really discredit them
33:19
yeah i was gonna say victims i your family members
33:22
family members family first That's good. I would
33:28
like to really extend this because this is interesting.
33:31
But this all happens the first night. Yeah. You're
33:34
on a seven day cruise. I just assume this repeats
33:39
multiple times. Is it the same people or is it
33:42
different people? Each family, each day is a
33:45
new family. My goal is excursions. I'm trying
33:50
to get out. I'm trying to get some excursions.
33:52
Let me do a zip line. Let me. Ride a bike. That
33:59
might not be an excursion. That might just be
34:02
what they do in the country we dock at. That's
34:05
just transportation. How exotic. Ride a bike.
34:09
They're like, you want to dive into a cenote?
34:11
He's like, no, give me a bike. Give me a Schwinn
34:14
and let me hit the road. Swim with dolphins?
34:19
You're like, he has something with two wheels.
34:22
A little basket on the front. I think that's
34:26
very cool. I mean, really, however you decide
34:28
on relaxing, that's all that matters. As long
34:31
as you're able to relax. That's what it accrues
34:32
for, right? Absolutely. It doesn't matter if
34:35
the other people aren't relaxing as long as you're
34:37
relaxing. Yeah. All right. So like Alan, I find
34:41
the situation of people being secluded to one
34:46
area very. And why wouldn't you? Right? They
34:49
can't go anywhere. They're on a boat for at least
34:51
a few days before they get to the port to go
34:54
on an excursion. And I don't know if y 'all know
34:56
this, but I am an expiring tattoo artist. Expiring?
35:00
I am expiring. Slowly, slowly dying. And because
35:07
I'm expiring, I have to take drastic measures.
35:13
And find people to practice tattooing. What better
35:15
place to find people to practice tattooing than
35:18
on a place where they cannot escape me? Yeah,
35:21
no. You got to get your message out there before
35:23
you die. Yeah. Exactly. I have a lot to say.
35:27
I don't do pictures. I write. You're an artist.
35:31
You just have to express yourself in different
35:33
ways. I just don't find the same. You're built
35:37
differently. I'm literally quite. Quite literally,
35:40
it's the cancer. It is riddling my body. I have
35:45
limbs falling off. I don't want to put this on
35:49
you too late in life, but they have these things
35:54
called diaries. You don't have to tattoo your
35:56
words on people's bodies. The diaries don't try
35:59
to get away. So it's part of the chase that you're
36:04
really after. Yeah, absolutely. As somebody that
36:06
is expiring, I really have to get as much adrenaline
36:10
hits as possible. But obviously there's a limit
36:13
to it because I don't want to chase people too
36:15
long. That's why I've gone on a cruise. Limits
36:18
them. So I go on the cruise to practice my tattooing
36:21
as an expiring tattoo artist. Well, yeah. I'm
36:26
expiring, but I'm also starting. It's really
36:28
sad. I'm leaving the practice as soon as I get
36:32
into it. You're an expiring, aspiring tattoo
36:36
artist. So you're not good at it yet. God, no.
36:40
I'm very shaky. Chemo is very shaky. You took
36:44
on a hobby too late in life, is what happened
36:47
here. I picked it up! Right as the doctor gave
36:50
me the diagnosis, I was like, oh, I'm going to
36:52
tattoo tomorrow. So this is not like a Walter
36:58
White situation where you're starting to tattoo
37:00
because you got the disease and you're trying
37:03
to make money. No, I've always wanted to tattoo.
37:05
I was just procrastinating. Oh, okay. And then
37:08
once I found out that I was expiring as a person,
37:12
I became the expiring, expiring tattoo artist.
37:17
When you're looking for, as you were calling
37:20
them earlier, blank canvases, do you look for
37:26
somebody that's asleep in their cabin, or are
37:28
you looking for someone who's tanning on the
37:32
top deck? Here's the thing. It depends on how
37:35
straight they want their lines that I tattoo
37:37
on them to be. If they're asleep, a lot straighter.
37:40
They're more still. If they're awake, if they're
37:44
conscious. A little harder to draw the landscape
37:49
on them as I'm running behind them just... It's
37:55
good that you leave it up to them as the option.
37:58
That you give them the option of straight lines
38:00
or not straight lines. I go into their cabin.
38:02
They're asleep. I poke them with my hands. I
38:04
rock them back and forth. I wake them up and
38:06
I go, run or stay here. I say, escape or don't.
38:13
This is happening. And they just hear the tattoo
38:17
gun start. And maybe I give them a great rendition
38:23
of a Greek statue right on their back. And they
38:26
do get a choice. They're screaming. They're crying.
38:28
I'm like, I have cancer. I'm expiring. I'm expiring.
38:33
Do you have an expiration date? Was that your
38:35
first tattoo was best by? Yeah. Used by? Like
38:42
a milk carton. Sometimes up on the deck, you
38:46
have a bunch of people on the deck in the lounge
38:48
chairs sunning themselves. I see that as an opportunity.
38:51
Yeah. As anybody would as an expiring, aspiring
38:55
tattoo artist. So I take the tattoo gun at the
38:59
level of the people. I just take off down the
39:01
line. Just drawing a big line across them as
39:05
I go. Just, you know, one by one. And here's
39:09
the thing. Here's the cool thing about that.
39:11
They have a permanent mark on themselves across
39:13
their bellies. they will have a connection to
39:15
those people quite literally for the rest of
39:18
their lives. Yeah. They will be able to go to
39:21
reunion parties as the tattooed, line up just
39:25
like they were and take a good picture. Wow.
39:28
So we talked about how you choose people, but
39:30
within that, so if you're up on the deck, and
39:34
I know you go through a whole line of people,
39:36
but if you were trying to pick out one specific
39:38
person to... just give a nice tattoo to. How
39:41
do you choose that? Is that based off of the
39:43
condition of their skin? You walk up to them
39:46
and like, oh, you're nice and leathery. I go
39:50
up to them like somebody that found an exotic
39:53
car. I walk around them. I, you know, look up
39:57
and down. I hand feel the curves. Yeah. I'm like,
40:01
this is a great machine. Prime. Is this Italian?
40:08
Is this Italian? And I was like, what year is
40:11
this? Like Alan said, they're blank canvases.
40:15
And a tattoo in an artist is only as good as
40:19
the canvas they work on. You think of the statue
40:21
of David. He had to pick out the perfect slab
40:23
of marble. That's kind of how I do it. I thought
40:26
you were going to say the perfect naked person.
40:29
But yeah, that's how I do it. You know, just...
40:31
It's like Michelangelo just picking out a slab
40:34
of marble. And I call him a slab of marble. And,
40:37
of course, they start running. I've got to chase
40:38
them down. It's a whole thing. It's very fun,
40:40
though. I am getting better. Not physically.
40:43
I am dying. But as a tattoo artist, I am getting
40:47
better. But that's what I would do on a cruise.
40:49
But, you know, for everybody listening, write
40:51
in. Tell us what you do on a cruise. We want
40:55
to get to know y 'all. We want to know how other
40:58
people relax on a cruise. But there you go. There
41:02
are the hypotheticals. Now, let's jump into the
41:05
next segment where the three wisest people in
41:09
the world give some listeners much, much needed
41:12
advice. I need help. All right. As per usual,
41:22
people come to us for wisdom. People come to
41:24
us to help them with their lives, to give them
41:27
advice, to get them out of binds, out of situations,
41:30
and really to reach self -acculation. So, Alan,
41:34
who's writing in? Who needs wisdom? This is coming
41:37
from a young buck named Brandon. Brandon's asking
41:40
for investment advice. He says, I rarely save
41:43
money. But in the past few months, I actually
41:46
did. And it's not that much, but I need to know
41:49
how to grow my money. Also, how can I make more?
41:53
I feel like Brandon needs to focus less on money
41:56
and maybe learning how to write. Yeah. He's missing
42:01
key words in that request. Uh, well, Brandon,
42:06
I'm glad you wrote into us. I mean, we're wealthy
42:08
beyond measure. Yeah. You can't measure our wealth.
42:11
Evan's like screwing McDuck. Evan's like Scrooge
42:16
McDuck, right? He jumps into a pool of coins.
42:20
It's painful. It glitters though. It's painful,
42:26
but he's wealthy. So I'm glad you came to us.
42:28
There's a lot of financial podcasts out there,
42:30
but none. that will actually give good financial
42:33
advice. Brandon, for my advice, it's simple.
42:35
People have money. You do not. If you get people's
42:39
money, then you have money. I know that's complex.
42:43
Do I need to say it again? Do I need to say it
42:45
louder for the people in the back? Break it down
42:47
a little bit, yeah. People have money. Brandon,
42:50
zero money. He gets those people's money. He
42:54
now has money. Okay, I think I'm tracking. I
42:57
mean, it's pretty straightforward. Really, it's
43:01
simple. So here's how you do that, Brandon. Steal
43:04
the money. And I realize that's low -hanging
43:06
fruit, especially for the Questionable Detour
43:09
podcast. But everybody steals money the same
43:11
way. They break a window with a mask. They hop
43:15
through the window. They start rummaging around
43:18
in the drawers. Somebody catches them. A murder
43:21
happens. They run. This is normal. That's cliche.
43:24
We're not cliche here. It's your everyday murder.
43:26
We do that every night. Oh, no, not us. I'm just
43:33
saying life could be more whimsical. Robbery
43:35
could be more whimsical. Here's my advice to
43:39
you, Brandon. Hot air balloon. You get in the
43:41
hot air balloon. You go up high over these people's
43:44
houses, preferably wealthy people's houses. Drop
43:47
an anvil out of the hot air balloon. It has Acme
43:51
printed on the side. What? It has Acme printed
43:54
on the side. Very Looney Tunes. That anvil is
43:58
going to go through their roof. It's going to
44:00
create a hole. You're going to throw out a rope
44:03
with a hook with a grass. It's going to be like
44:06
a claw machine. You're going to throw out that
44:10
line with a claw machine through the hole that
44:13
the anvil created. You're just going to kind
44:14
of pull on that line until it gets some stuff
44:17
and you reel it in. If it's not money, you still
44:20
take it. You're poor. So you want Brandon to
44:22
be like a D -list Batman villain. Or just a bad
44:29
fisherman. A D -list Batman villain is a perfect,
44:34
yeah, that's good. Yes, I just, it's not even,
44:38
it's not even I wanted to be a D -list Batman
44:40
villain. I want him to be whimsical. I just think
44:42
life can be so much more whimsical. And what's
44:45
more whimsical than a guy riding around in a
44:48
hot air balloon, dropping heavy things through
44:49
people's roofs to then, hopefully. pull up some
44:54
some valuable items if you want him to be whimsical
44:56
when he pulls something up is he like he's like
45:00
he he has a fake big handlebar mustache on and
45:03
he's just like stroking the mustache as it happens
45:05
he's like always got a lollipop in his hand you
45:08
know but it never gets any smaller maybe there
45:12
you go brendan have a lollipop while you have
45:16
it If Alan's saying it, it must be useful. It
45:20
just seems like something a whimsical person
45:23
would do is to have just a comically large lollipop.
45:26
Yeah. At all times. At all times. Look, if he
45:32
had a cigarette, that wouldn't be whimsical.
45:34
That would be depressing. Yeah. That might be
45:38
the opposite of whimsy, you know? Okay, good
45:41
point. You're just adding more value to the whimsy.
45:43
Yes, have a big lollipop. Okay, so he's just
45:46
throwing his little hook in, trying to catch
45:49
anything. Is it just like a one -time thing?
45:51
Because hot air balloons are notoriously not
45:53
good at staying in one place. They kind of just
45:55
go where the wind takes them. Is he just like
45:58
tossing it in and he gets one chance? That's
46:00
a good, that's a great point. You have two anvils.
46:04
You're tying a rope to the other anvil. That's
46:06
your anchor. Okay. You can throw it into the
46:09
house too. It doesn't matter. You're just tossing
46:11
it so that the balloon stays put. And you have
46:13
all the time in the world to just really go,
46:16
you're fishing. You're fishing for expensive
46:18
stuff with that hot air balloon. What happens
46:21
if he like pulls somebody up on accident? You
46:23
take the, rummage through their pockets. Throw
46:25
them back off the hot air balloon. It's an opportunity.
46:28
Yeah. Everything's an opportunity. If you're
46:31
poor, everything's an opportunity. How many anvils
46:33
are we bringing? Because. Right now, two. Okay.
46:36
It could increase depending on where this conversation
46:38
goes. Okay. Because is this a one house thing?
46:41
Because if you throw. Oh, that's a good point.
46:44
You need two anvils attached to ropes. But you
46:47
can't pull the anvils back up. Like anvils are
46:50
notoriously heavy. You're not pulling that back
46:52
up by a rope, right? Yes. I didn't think about
46:54
that. So you just got to cut the rope. Yeah,
46:55
you're going to have to cut the rope. If somebody
46:57
gets wise on you and sees you or the police come,
47:01
you got to cut the rope. But then you're kind
47:04
of just like done for the night or are you bringing
47:06
more anvils? To get to the next step. You're
47:10
asking too many questions. That's a good point.
47:14
What is this, a hypothetical segment? I want
47:18
to know the details. I guess you got to go back
47:22
to your house where you have lots of anvils.
47:24
You're done. Okay, you're going back to get a
47:26
new one. Yeah, you're getting two more anvils.
47:29
But you're only taking up two at a time. The
47:30
night doesn't end early if you're run out of
47:32
anvils. You go back to the warehouse and get
47:34
more. Yeah. You throw your anchor. You throw
47:38
the hole anvil, like the anvil that's to create
47:40
a hole. You do your fishing. You cut the line
47:42
and you go back. Man, you're really confident
47:45
in yourself to only bring two anvils. At a time.
47:48
I think realistically, the hot air balloon can't
47:50
carry too many anvils. I mean, it's kind of fighting
47:52
gravity already. Maybe it's a big hot air balloon.
47:55
I don't know. But there. Oh, well, there you
47:58
go. There is the episode. If you have a hypothetical,
48:02
if you need advice from the three wisest people,
48:06
write us in questionable detour at gmail .com.
48:10
But as we end this episode, let's give the Saturday
48:14
workers one last piece. Of wisdom. You can popcorn,
48:20
but you should never corn your pop. Yeah. Yeah.
48:26
He wouldn't like it. It'd be too many kernels.
48:32
That's great. Thanks. Never throw corn at your
48:35
father? Was that? Okay. Pretty much. Yeah. Okay.
48:41
Alan. Trying to one -up that one. Gosh. I don't
48:46
know that I can. If you can tell. That he's choosing
48:50
Texas by the way that he's doing a variety of
48:55
different things. Do not take him to Texas. Well,
49:02
I mean, the pop culture references here. It's
49:09
it's simple math. Come on. Why are we in Texas?
49:16
There had to have been signs. Also, I know this
49:22
is not usual. How do you know he's choosing Texas?
49:24
Does he have a globe? And every time he spins
49:26
it, he just lands back on Texas. How do you know
49:29
he's choosing Texas by what he does? To be honest,
49:31
I was confused in the song because I thought
49:34
it was talking about him and a girl. But then
49:35
I think it's really just talking about Texas.
49:39
I don't know. Listen, I don't get it. Your wisdom
49:42
is great, though. So I think we're done. I think
49:46
we should end it there. Are you all ready to
49:47
be done? Yes. Yes, Dad. God, please. God. I'm
49:52
ready to end it all. Excuse me. What is going
49:54
on here? But first, we're going to make a little
49:58
detour. So absurd. So questionable. Yeah, I guess
50:05
we're just the weirdos. Expect the detour.