Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Remember There Are Also Men Who Do Nothing And Barely Work And Still Get Women

Transcript

Remember There Are Also Men Who Do Nothing And Barely Work And Still Get Women · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show if you have not already subscribed then please
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  I mean obviously I'm putting out constant free content.
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  So the add-ons are going to be paid because this is after all
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  my job as well as my passion. So today I am going to discuss
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  something that is Is I I've always wanted to write a post
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  about, I mean, I write about it. I kind of address it by
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  addressing both sides of this but I haven't ever really just
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  directly named the fact that both of okay.
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  So people, all right, let me back up.
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  So there's all these guys that follow me and I'm grateful for
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  you. And basically, the guys who
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  follow me are ones who want to work on their relationship.
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  So let me just tell you that is not all the men in the world.
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  So there's like This real logical fallacy here going on
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  where these men think that? Because there's a lot of them
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  that want to work on the relationships.
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  That's like, how all relationships are men are the
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  ones who want to work on it. They are always researching how
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  to be closer, how to be better, how to get laid, more, how to
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  work on their body, how to be the man that their wife desires?
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  All this shit, right? No.
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  Let me tell you something. That you all are not
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  representative the other half of people who follow me.
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  Our women and your same position who feel like they are the ones
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  who do everything in the relationship to make it better.
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  They're the ones that read all the books, they're the ones who
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  work on themselves. They're the ones who are
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  frequently also want more sex, you know, and not exactly as
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  frequently in that regard, it's 1/3 woman 2/3, man for the
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  libido. As I mentioned all the time but
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  really it's half and half for who's the like the engine of the
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  relationship that thinks about the relationship and who puts up
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  with more? From the other person, this
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  cross is gender. This is not a male-female thing.
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  In half of unhappy marriages, the woman is feel.
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  She is the one doing everything and in half of unhappy
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  marriages, the man feels he's doing everything.
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  This is a pursuer distance, a relationship.
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  It has nothing to do with gender.
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  It crosses gender. It could be manifest somewhat
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  differently due to gender but the reality is pursuers can be
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  men or women and distance, others could be men or women.
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  That's just how it goes. So, The thing is and the reason
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  that I think this is so so important to explicate very,
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  very clearly is that Men start to think and women start to
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  think. But let's start with men sorts
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  of thing. All women don't give a shit,
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  they just get married. And then they, you know, they
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  don't care anymore, they just want the man to do everything
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  that they want, they just care about their kids, and they care
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  about other things. But they don't give a shit about
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  the relationship about our closeness about our sex life
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  about their looks anymore. Not That they just don't care.
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  You know what, half of women, think the exact same thing of
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  the man, and I linked to a couple articles about this in
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  the description, which for women.
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  This is no shit Sherlock. But for men, it's especially
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  again, the men that are really into self-development that
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  follow my blog. They seem to think that men are
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  always getting shit on by women and obviously, this can lead to
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  some misogyny. When women think that men are
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  always shitting on women, it also leads to misandry in that
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  case. Either way, it's no good to look
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  down on a gender in its entirety, because not least of
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  which like you could have children of either gender and
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  this is not good for them. If you hate one gender, right?
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  And nor is it good for you to be consumed with hatred and
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  resentment? So it's better to understand the
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  reality that this is not a gender issue.
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  This is a pursuer distance or issue.
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  Why would a person male or female be the pursuer?
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  Well, that's because they're preoccupied attachment.
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  Occupied attachment is when a child gets inconsistent,
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  caregiving growing up. Sometimes the mother loves them.
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  Sometimes the mother may always love them.
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  But sometimes the mother acts, like she loves them.
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  And sometimes she acts like she just is Tapped Out.
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  Can't give a shit. She is maybe angry, she's
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  depressed. She has other shit on her plate.
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  She's in an unhappy marriage, she's an alcoholic.
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  Whatever the case may be, I mean, I say mother because it's
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  primary caregiver and that's most usually the mother primary
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  caregiver is The parent with whom the attachment primary
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  attachment bond forms. So if you were in a relationship
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  where you knew your parent was capable of love but they just
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  couldn't give it to you when you needed it for any of the reasons
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  that I said, then you grow up with preoccupied attachment,
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  which means you're more frequently.
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  Controlling jealous worried about the relationship focused
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  on the relationship, thinking about the relationship.
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  It doesn't matter what gender you are.
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  You could be a man or you could be a woman, it does.
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  Matter. What matters is the type of
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  parenting that you receive that made you very insecure about
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  getting consistent. Love you feel like if you're not
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  hyper Vigilant about the relationship, then the person is
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  just going to leave you or they're just going to go away.
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  And if you don't do everything, you can to be good and to take
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  care of everything, which I've called a Workhorse for men and a
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  people pleaser for women. Then the person is just going to
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  up and leave you. So for every man and there's a
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  lot of you and that Make all the money and then do at least half
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  the housework and you may Outsource the other half and you
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  do at least have the childcare and you may have Outsourcing for
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  the other half and the woman still won't sleep with you.
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  Well, listen, this isn't a problem about women because
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  there's some women that are listening to this falling out of
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  their chairs. You're like, holy shit, what is
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  she talking about? I thought only women suffer like
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  this because for me another preoccupied attachment person
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  may not have thought of it, but now maybe she maybe realizing
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  it. I do.
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  Being in the relationship. My husband is a bump on a log.
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  He does nothing. He sits on the couch.
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  He is between jobs all the time. He doesn't really give a shit
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  about any housework. He barely knows what grade the
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  children are in and I am the one constantly looking up ways to
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  make this marriage better ways to incorporate him ways.
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  To work on our sex life, our romantic life, our emotional
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  life are whatever. So this is not a gender issue,
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  it's not a gender issue. This is a gender Under there's
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  maybe a little gender difference, right?
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  And as much as I've said, many times women think more about the
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  children and women have slightly lower sex drive on main effect.
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  Remember 1/3 2/3, but in terms of who gets treated badly or who
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  gets to sit on the couch more, this does not have to do with
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  gender, this has to do with what you saw growing up.
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  Now you may say all right, fine, if I'm preoccupied attachment.
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  What about my partner? Who is the bump on the log?
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  Or the one who does push away at every turn or the one who does
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  not want to have sex. And does not want to really do
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  much of anything at all. What are they?
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  Well, they usually avoidant attachment, which is a child who
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  grew up with a parent who always told them just go play.
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  Just go play just do your thing right and so they never got any
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  intimacy and so they don't know how to be intimate frequently.
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  Also the person has narcissistic traits which is a different sort
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  of upbringing that could either be totally coddled or totally.
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  Basically neglected. So, I've written about what kind
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  of parenting makes a man, arrogant, it's pretty much same
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  for a woman. I could link you to that if I
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  remember with all these other links.
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  So the point here is, yes, you are an enabler, you are
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  preoccupied attachment. The other person may be somewhat
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  self-absorbed. They may be depressed, they may
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  be avoidant, whatever they are. It's not based on whether they
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  were a man or a woman having a penis or not does not make you a
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  Wouldn't or not. So everybody who thinks oh more
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  men are emotionally unavailable. No, it's not true.
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  It's really not true. From what I see, it's really
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  half-and-half. There are men who are begging
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  for their women's, their wives affection, and care and love,
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  and don't get it and the same thing for women with men.
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  So if this has been thought to be some sort of a gendered
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  socialized thing, it really isn't, there's just as many
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  women that could put on a pedestal as women that put men
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  on a pedestal and And just think about all the bad boys and all
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  the, you know, men that are constantly kind of doing
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  nothing. And women are picking up the
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  pieces, you know, men that don't work, men that don't do much
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  with the kids, man that don't really do anything and the woman
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  is still taking care of everything.
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  This is a common Dynamic and it's just as common as the man
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  who makes all the money. Does everything around the house
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  pretty much and she still doesn't really want much to do
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  with him this. No matter which direction this
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  goes, it's a dysfunctional Dynamic that has to do with what
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  you saw growing up and your expectations for yourself and
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  your self-esteem, which if you get into such a situation needs
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  work via therapy, you need work on your self-esteem because
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  obviously you are in a situation where you feel that your needs
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  are not getting met. The truth is some probably
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  somewhere in between, you probably have a black hole of
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  needs that are rarely ever going to be mad because of your
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  upbringing. And once your upbringing is
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  worked, On work through and processed.
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  Then maybe you can express certain specific needs that then
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  maybe your partner can can give you if they don't always feel
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  that you are constantly harassing them for more more
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  more more more or you may realize that the relationship is
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  so dysfunctional, that there is no hope.
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  And that you want to be married to somebody else who is not
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  quite so messed up. And now that you're working on
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  yourself, you may think that you want somebody who wants to work
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  on themselves. I apologize for the noise.
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  That was a garbage truck. So anyhow, what the point of
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  this is is there are no easy answers.
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  Like all women are XYZ and they'll respond like XYZ same as
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  men. You know, there's, there's no
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  specific like one way that all men are all women act.
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  There are main effects. You know, certainly more men
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  have a physical touch love language, more men like to
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  pursue Hobbies. More women think, About the kids
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  24/7. I mean, I've really elucidated a
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  lot of the differences, you know, but one difference that
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  there is not is who's attacked who's avoided and who's
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  preoccupied these things of, who's the pursuer and who's a
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  distance sir, those switch in every couple that I see it is
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  completely separate and mutually exclusive with gender.
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  So if you are in a relationship that you have felt is very
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  unfulfilling and you're attributing it to.
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  This is How all men / women are 0 and then people say to me but
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  my friends, my friends have the same problems with their
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  husband. The people make friends with
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  similar people, I mean this is not like a big shock.
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  People make friends with people like them.
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  So if you are a person who's kind of insecure then you're
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  going to make friends who are kind of insecure and all of you
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  may get treated poorly. If you are somebody who is not
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  insecure and then you may make different friends, right?
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  Who all are in different. Kinds of marriages.
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  So it's very, very different based on who you are the friends
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  that you make, right? So the point is, if you don't
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  have the easy out of saying, oh, this is just how all women are
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  /. This is all, how all men are
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  then, what does that make you think about an introspective
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  about about yourself? If you can't write it off to
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  like women. / men are all selfish, then what when you
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  really think about the fact, so if you're a man who's like, in
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  this, Roll. I have to get everything right
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  after. Get everything, perfect and
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  she's not going to love me. She's not gonna have sex with
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  me. I better get all my ducks in a
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  row date night. Better be perfect.
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  How do you feel when I tell you that there are men that are just
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  like literally like barely breathing and their wives are
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  just happy if they get off the couch one time to make one of
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  the kids glass of water once in a week or a month or a lifetime.
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  You know, then you got to think to yourself, what did I do?
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  You don't want to be in that kind of dysfunctional situation
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  but understanding the whole spectrum of behavior Can
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  frequently be very very elucidating about what is going
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  on here with you. Right?
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  What is going on with you specifically?
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  That is makes it such that the woman in this case is just in
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  your to you doing everything around you know the house
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  working doing all these things and still doesn't find you very
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  attractive and appealing. Is it then about you?
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  What are you not doing? Are you not expressing?
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  Your needs? Are you perhaps engaging in the
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  nice guy, covert contract behavior that I talked about in
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  my other podcast. Are you with somebody who never
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  really liked you much to begin with?
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  But you didn't think that you deserved more because of your
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  upbringing where you were not treated very well.
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  I mean, what's going on here? Similarly, if you are one of the
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  women and you could refer back if you're a woman listening to
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  my podcast on and why don't men want to take care of me?
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  That's very relevant to This, right?
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  So if you are a woman where you think, oh my God, there's women
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  that don't have to work, the guy takes care of everything.
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  Then on top of that, he comes home.
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  It does housework. What are you kidding me?
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  Sign me up. If you are a woman that thinks
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  like that, that then it may be very helpful to think.
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  Yeah. There are women in that kind of
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  situation. How did you get into the
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  situation that you're in with this bump on a log?
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  That is always unemployed that you're with right now.
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  How did that happen frequently? When to leave for both people
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  asking themselves, these situations, the man and the
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  woman that I'm hypothetically making up, it would be in a
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  family of origin, where they saw the same pattern, one pair and
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  basically get shit on by the other one parents enable the
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  other parent and I'm not saying the parent who was being enabled
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  as a bad person, they may have struggled with a lot of mental
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  health issues, as anybody does who I'm colloquially saying, you
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  know, the the spouse calls them a bump on a log.
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  Usually, the bump on a log that's just laying There is
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  suffering from depression, untreated PTSD, alcoholism.
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  I mean, they got problems too, you know, and or personality
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  issues such as narcissistic and borderline traits.
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  I mean, we don't know. Nobody's ever trying to be
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  somebody that their spouse would call a bump on a log.
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  Like that is it anybody's reason for living?
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  Is to get that moniker. So there's always something else
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  going on, but my point is this using gender is lazy, you know,
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  it isn't it isn't real. So for all the people that get
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  together in groups and say men suck and the men that get
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  together in groups and say women suck, whether the groups are
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  online or in person or, you know, whatever this isn't true.
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  What you mean is your relationships with women and the
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  one that you saw growing up sucked and so then you don't
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  know anything else and these other people are in the same
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  situation, but knowing that there are completely opposite
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  situations can frequently be very eye-opening and can make
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  you re-evaluate. Why?
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  Why you ended up in the specific type of dysfunctional, Dynamic,
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  that you ended up in, which as I've told you, spoiler alert is
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  always going to be found in your early life.
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  That's where the clues are going to be.
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  So hopefully this was an interesting reframe for you guys
• 16:18
  again. Please do subscribe.
• 16:20
  So you get my bonus content and sign up for my Facebook group,
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  so that you can interact with me more constantly.
• 16:28
  And I will talk to everybody soon.
• 16:31
  Have a great day.