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The Secret To Getting An Avoidant To Apologize · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  If you're dealing with or have dealt with an avoidant, then you
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  know that getting an apology from them isn't usually easy and
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  sometimes it seems impossible. But what if I were to tell you
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  that there is a way to get an apology from an avoidant,
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  whether they pulled away from you or they broke up with you?
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  And it's probably not going to look the way you thought it
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  would. So you may not even realize that
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  they're apologizing. So how can you get an avoidance
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  to apologize? And what will it look like?
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  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
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  Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship experts specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
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  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 0:57
  Remember our slogan? We don't react.
• 1:00
  We do no contact. And to do no contact, we use my
• 1:05
  app Silencio, and the link to that is underneath every single
• 1:09
  video and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 1:12
  join our army, just hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 1:17
  notification and you're in. And you can read our manual at
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  nocontactsecrets.com or you can read 2 free chapters before you
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  purchase the book. OK, so you can trigger a genuine
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  apology from an avoidant if you do things that work with their
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  attachment style rather than against it.
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  So behaviors that have worked in the past on people who were
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  anxious or secure are not going to work with an avoidant.
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  Trying to pressure them to apologize is going to backfire.
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  They don't respond well to any type of demand or ultimatum.
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  Chasing after them asking foreclosure is also not going to
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  work. They'll just want to get away
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  from you even more. If you're trying to force them
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  to acknowledge your pain, they'll shut down.
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  And if you're anxious, you're going to want to get your
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  feelings out so that they can acknowledge them.
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  But that is not going to make them apologize.
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  And avoidance at first instinct is always to self protect, not
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  self reflect. So trying to get them to think
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  about what they've done is going to backfire.
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  So the first thing you have to do to get an avoidant to
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  apologize is to not try to get any apology at all.
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  Stop chasing closure. Stop trying to fix things
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  between the two of you. Stop explaining how much they
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  hurt you. And a lot of the time it's women
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  who do this. And this is when they write
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  these long paragraphs because I've never received long
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  paragraphs from men telling much.
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  Tell me how much I hurt them, Have you?
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  Well, comment below if you're a woman, and let me know if you've
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  ever received a long paragraph from a man who was hurt by you.
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  And when the women are sending these long paragraphs, they
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  actually think they're doing something, but they're not doing
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  anything. They're just pushing away the
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  other person. So please stop it with the long
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  paragraphs. Those never work.
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  You look low value and desperate.
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  So what actually works is showing them that you can be in
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  pain and that they do not need to fix it.
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  Because when you're begging for an apology or writing those long
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  paragraphs, you're basically telling them that you cannot
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  deal with the pain unless they do something to make you feel
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  better. And that's a weak position to be
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  in. Your best shot at getting an
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  apology is to signal that you don't need it.
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  And when an avoidant feels safe and not pressured, they're more
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  likely to offer it spontaneously.
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  It's always better than chasing after them, trying to get them
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  to do something that they don't want to do.
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  Keep in mind that avoidance process things slowly, so if you
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  try to drag an apology out of them right after a breakup or a
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  withdrawal, they'll just double down on defensiveness.
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  But instead, give them space, Let them feel the loss, and once
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  they're calmer, the guilt starts to creep in, and that's usually
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  when an apology shows up, sometimes weeks or months later.
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  So the moment you leave your ex alone and deal with your
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  feelings on your own, an avoidant can now feel the space
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  that they created through their actions or inaction.
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  And in that silence, they're able to feel the consequences of
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  their behavior. You've pulled away in peace, not
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  in punishment. And that's disorienting to an
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  avoidant because they're used to people either chasing,
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  punishing, or freezing them out. And when you don't do that,
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  that's when they start to think, did I screw this up?
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  Did I lose someone safe? Because you've shown them that
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  you can walk away if you have to.
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  And this often leads to self reflection on their part.
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  And only then can they start to feel remorse.
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  Because sometimes the loudest thing you can say is nothing.
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  And that's when they'll come forward and say something that
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  shows that they know they've hurt you.
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  Now, avoidance. Don't usually apologize the way
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  you expect or want them to. There won't be a grand gesture.
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  There won't be a formal apology. You won't get a speech about how
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  much they regret their actions or a flood of texts.
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  Sometimes it'll be in the form of an active service.
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  They'll fix something that you needed fixed or help with
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  something that you had previously asked for help with.
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  They may send a thoughtful message asking how you've been.
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  We're not looking for the perfect apology.
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  We're looking for humility and regret in their words or their
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  actions or both. When an avoidant apologizes,
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  they've had to fight their own internal system in order to be
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  able to do it. It's not really in their wiring.
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  So it's actually more significant than if someone who
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  is secure or anxious apologizes. And with their apology they're
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  also saying I value you, I don't want to lose you, and I want to
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  do better. Now understand that some people
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  will never apologize, not because they can't, but because
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  they refuse to grow. And that's not someone that you
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  can have a long term relationship with.
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  Here's my personal take on it. An apology is nice, but unless
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  the behavior changes, I really don't care about an apology.
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  I want to know how do we make sure that we don't end up here
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  again? I want to know what's the plan
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  to make sure that they don't pull away or break up with me
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  again the next time they're triggered.
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  Because there's no point in having someone apologize without
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  changed behavior. Whenever someone apologizes to
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  me, I always say thank you. I appreciate the apology.
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  However, how are we going to make this make sure this doesn't
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  happen again? And I say we to make it seem
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  like we're working as a team, even though I actually mean you.
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  So the bottom line is you don't get an avoidant to apologize by
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  asking. You get it by backing off,
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  holding your ground, and letting them come in on their own,
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  usually in a roundabout way on their own timeline.
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  They'll apologize if they believe that losing you is worse
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  than swallowing their pride. If their interest level is high
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  enough, you have leverage. If it's not, you won't get more
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  than silence or defensiveness. OK, so now I want to hear from
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  you. Has your avoidant ex apologized
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  or are you still waiting for an apology?
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  Please comment below and if you would like my help to get your
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  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net and we will
• 8:40
  send you the rates. They are not on the website.
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  If you found this video helpful, be sure to subscribe so you
• 8:47
  don't miss other future videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 8:50
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  miss out on future podcasts. And finally, remember, love
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