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How Coercive Control Echoes Into Parenting And What Heals It · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Leachard, an adolescent psychotherapist, and I am offering podcast today which in many ways is a natural progression from the previous three which had to do with complications in contact with separating or separated and divorced parents.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: But today I want to speak about something which is more to do with mothers and their children, and thinking particularly about those who have endured what I would regard as coercive and controlling relationships.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I'm wanting to do that is because there is a very clear pattern that emerges for people after the relationship has ended.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we have to understand that just because the relationship may have ended, the echoes of it and the effects are particularly powerful.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this is about recovering after such a relationship, but it's also about, I think more specifically for mothers, because the residue of the damage continues to find expression and of course is most likely to have been experienced by the children in some way.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So in talking directly to you about recovering, I also want to reference the fact that you're doing so while still parenting.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a very particular kind of recovery because you're not just recovering for yourself, you're simultaneously caring for your children at the same time.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And these are children who may carry confusion, fear, loyalty conflicts, and certainly emotional residue from what they've lived through.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode is about recovery, parenting under emotional strain, internalized voices and triggers, and how the recovery process supports that in your children.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, with this double burden, mothers often carry the additional weight of needing to protect the child and rebuild stability alongside managing practical life.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: But they're doing so while still navigating internal emotional aftershocks.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And many mothers say, I don't feel like myself.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I worry that I failed my child.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm constantly second-guessing.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be strong, but I feel exhausted.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't weakness, this is the nervous system recalibrating or trying to recalibrate while still under significant responsibility.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of the most powerful legacies of coercive control is internalization.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So even after the relationship ends, the psychological voice of control might well remain, questioning your judgment, undermining your confidence and creating fear of getting it wrong, and triggering guilt or shame.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: This can affect parenting in a variety of subtle ways.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes over-explaining to the child, doubting your decisions, feeling anxious about discipline or boundaries, and trying to be perfect to compensate for the past.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Some mothers just say, I don't trust myself anymore.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: But recovery involves learning that this voice is not you.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was installed through control and it can be unlearned.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, triggering occurs when children quite unintentionally activate emotional memories.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this happens because you are emotionally open to and with your child, you care deeply about their safety, and your nervous system is still sensitive to past threat.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: So triggers may arise when a child becomes distressed or dysregulated, where conf conflict occurs or the child is withdrawn or angry, you feel criticized or rejected, and in some ways, maybe you experience the child in the same way that you experienced the person who treated you this way.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: You fear repeating the past, and sometimes mothers may feel sudden panic or fear, overwhelm, guilt, emotional shutdown, or a strong urge to over-repair and to over-protect.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't failure, it's trauma meeting present-day parenting.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Often mothers will carry guilt.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: They may feel I should have left sooner.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I exposed my child.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I failed to protect them.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good enough.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: But guilt often confuses responsibility with blame because we have to remember that you are navigating fear, control, psychological pressure, and very often without support.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And despite all that, you are here parenting, protecting, and rebuilding.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And as I say so often, children do not need perfect mothers.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: They need emotionally present, repairing, and safe mothers.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, recovery while healing is not about becoming a different mother.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's about becoming a freer version of yourself.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there are key movements in this process.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So one of those is about rebuilding internal safety.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Before anything else, your nervous system must begin to feel safer.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this involves recognizing triggers without judging yourself, pausing rather than reacting, learning emotional regulation.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And as internal safety grows, your child senses it too.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So children very often respond not so much to words, but to felt emotional stability.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now separating your child from the past is a second stage because sometimes children become emotionally linked to what happened.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So you may feel hyperprotective, fear of history repeating itself, or overinterpret the child's distress.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So recovery involves gently recognizing that my child is in the present, not in the past.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've referred to this before under the heading of that was then, this is now, which is a psychological and central nervous system shift.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, rebuilding parental confidence is the next stage.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it grows when you trust your judgment again.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: You set boundaries calmly, you say no without fear, and you allow yourself to be imperfect.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So every small moment of confident parenting behavior weakens the internalized voice control.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's as if you're regaining yourself.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Repairing is the next stage.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: All parents make mistakes, and recovery doesn't remove this.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: But children heal through repair.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And repair sounds like I was overwhelmed earlier, but I'm here now.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't your fault, you're safe.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: We can try again.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming yourself as a woman.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Many women disappear into survival and parenting.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And recovery involves gently rediscovering your voice, your preferences, your emotional needs, your identity beyond survival.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And a crucial truth for mothers is that this recovery process doesn't require perfection, it requires awareness, compassion towards yourself, a willingness to be open to grow, and patience.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And children don't need a mother without scars, they need a mother who is emotionally alive, reflective, and safe.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to talk more in a bit more detail about the psychological components of recovery for the mother because as much as this focus has been about seeing the relationship between the recovery in the mother and recovery in the child, I'm going to return to the question of recovery as a woman.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that means moving from having been a victim to becoming a survivor.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: For now, I hope this helps, and I will produce the companion episode shortly.