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Old Ideas: How to Uncover, Discover & Discard What's Keeping You Stuck · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
Nobody told me that getting sober wasn't the hard part.
0:03
The hard part was finding out the version of myself I'd been
0:07
dragging along for years and realizing most of it wasn't even
0:13
mine. You might have heard this phrase
0:15
before, but today I want to talk about old ideas, and the phrase
0:18
I'm talking about is uncover, discover, and discard.
0:23
When I come into recovery, I carry a lot of baggage.
0:26
I carry a lot of ways of thinking, behaviors, patterns,
0:30
ideas, thoughts that I have about the world, grand plans,
0:36
perspectives that I am unshakable in.
0:38
I will not see it your way. I always say this, but my
0:42
biggest problem today is I'm right.
0:44
I'm right, you're wrong. This is the way it has to be
0:47
done because this is the way I do it.
0:50
So when I come into recovery and people tell me to leave that
0:54
shit at the door, check my ego, dispel, uncover, discover,
0:58
discard, to me it means I am unlearning.
1:01
I'm peeling back the layers of my addiction that I carried
1:04
around with me for so long because those behaviors, those
1:07
ideas, those perspectives keep me sick.
1:11
And if I don't open my mind to new concepts and new ideas,
1:15
first of all, I wouldn't be sitting here today if I didn't
1:17
do that. And if I don't continue to do
1:18
that, I'm going to be back in the hotel rooms using coke and
1:21
meth by myself to all hours of the night once again, because
1:25
that's essentially how I relapsed.
1:26
I'd, I'd say a lot of reasons for how I relapsed.
1:28
There's it's multi layered, but at the end of the day, honesty,
1:31
open mindedness and willingness. I stopped being open minded.
1:35
I stopped being honest. Yeah, for sure.
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Anyone that relapses, there's a level of dishonesty that
1:39
happens. But I also stopped being open
1:42
minded. I stopped looking at other ways
1:44
to do things. I was right and I was stuck on
1:49
this idea that I needed to use steroids to fix my God sized
1:54
hole. I needed ADHD medication to fix
1:57
what was going on in my brain when the keys to the house were
1:59
inside the whole time. I'm like, I love the analogy of
2:04
I'm like the guy stuck in prison, but I'm also the baler
2:08
and I'm also the key holder. I'm all three of those things.
2:11
So I'm stuck inside the jail. I have the keys in my pocket and
2:14
I'm also the guard, the prison guard watching me.
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It's like the answer's right there.
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I just don't want to dig for it 'cause it's work.
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I'd rather take shortcuts and I'd rather use outside things to
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change my insides because it's less work.
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And the guy on Instagram told me he's happy when he does
2:28
steroids. And the guy on my buddy told me
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he got real big from doing peptides and losing weight.
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And that must be the answer. That's got to be it.
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That's where my discomfort and and unease is coming from.
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That's where I'm disturbed. That'll fix it.
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And then I lead down this road of not telling people things and
2:44
eventually I'm relapsed. So this episode isn't a how to,
2:47
it's not a manual, not a guide. I'm just going to talk about
2:50
basically the old ideas that keep me sick, keep us sick and
2:54
how to get rid of them. How to come into recovery and
2:57
start to leave your old ideas behind because not all of them
3:00
serve you. And let's be honest, not all of
3:02
them are bad either. Some of them are helpful.
3:04
Some of them get me through hard times.
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But a a good example of one that's killing me right now is
3:10
this money idea. I need money to be successful.
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I need a good job to be successful.
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I need a high paying job to be successful.
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I'm dispelling that everyday or trying to because I'm getting
3:22
back into this counseling industry.
3:24
Not back. I've never was in it before, but
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I'm getting into the counseling industry and as you know, the
3:28
money's not good in. It's something that needs to
3:31
change, but it's just the way it is.
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The social service work industry is not the pay that a lot of
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people might think it is, and it's not advantageous in the
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financial aspect. So I need to find worth
3:45
elsewhere. And I mean, listen, at the end
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of the day, we all know money doesn't bring happiness, but you
3:49
have to go and scrape your knee to try because we're stubborn.
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I'm stubborn. I need to learn the hard way.
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But at the end of the day, I'm chasing this this path because I
3:57
think it'll work out. I know it's the right thing to
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do for me right now. And if it's not, I'm going to
4:02
learn someday and then I can just pivot and go back to
4:04
something else. But I'm going to try it for now
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because I like it, I'm good at it and it brings me joy to help
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others that are were once suffering like me.
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So setting the stage, what are old ideas?
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What do I, what are we talking about when I say old ideas?
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There was a moment when I realized I wasn't addicted to
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just the substances. It was I was addicted to the
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whole way of thinking, the whole pattern, the I need outside
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things to fix my insides. I have a problem.
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I'm going to use. It's going to go away.
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I'm concerned about my drug use. So I'm going to keep using
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because when I continue to use, my problems go away and I get
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that reprieve. I get that breath, I get that
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relief. I don't have to think about all
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the people I've heard. I don't have to think about the
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consequences that I'm enduring. I, I, it just goes away.
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It's magic. Old ideas, they're not
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necessarily front and center opinions that we might be aware
4:55
of their subconscious operating system.
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So they operate in the subconscious.
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They run in the background without us knowing.
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It's I'm programmed, my upbringing.
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I've been programmed my whole life to know that money is a
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tool. But when I was growing up, we
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didn't have necessarily an abundance of money.
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We weren't hard off either. We were middle class.
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But I was always taught I had an old idea that money is sacred
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and you hold onto it and you save it and you don't spend it
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when you you don't buy nice things.
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And so I think what I'm realizing over time is I've
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learned, I have a learned belief of I can't have nice things like
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my neighbors do because we don't have enough money.
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That was sort of the narrative that was spun into my head.
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At least that's the way I remember it.
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So another example of old ideas, I have to earn love.
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So for me, it's, if I can make you laugh, you're going to love
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me. I have to bring value to you.
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I have to be of. I have to bring joy to your
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life. And that's how I'm accepted.
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I have to think that you like me and this is where codependence
6:00
comes in. I need you to love me so that I
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can love myself. I was I run one of my biggest
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old ideas that is so detrimental to my life, but it's also
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helpful to there's two sides to every idea is the fact that I
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judge myself worth on your opinion of me and it's gotten a
6:17
lot better. But I still fall into that old
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pattern of thinking that if 10 people in a room all love what
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I'm doing, they love the podcast, they love my opinions,
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they I'm helping them so much. That 11th person says, dude,
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you're the worst. I can't believe you think like
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that. Are you for real?
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I got a comment today on my YouTube.
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Somebody commented on my YouTube, both.
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Is this for real? No, I'm joking.
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Like, yeah, it's for real. I posted it.
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Why are you watching it? Move on.
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Anyways, I will focus on that one person because I want to
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please everybody. And at the end of the day,
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people pleasing, It's, we know it's not good, but at the same
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time there's a skill behind it too.
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I can adapt to scenarios to for my betterment.
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I can do it, use it in business and in work and I can read the
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room. And if, if I'm trying to do
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something at work, I can use that skill to get you on my
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side, to persuade you to help me do something that's in work and
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in the business world. But my point is there's two
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sides to everything. So it's not just people pleasing
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is not something that's just ruining your life forever.
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There's also another side of it where you can use this as an
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asset. You can use this to build
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relationships and learn from people that, well, this worked
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and this didn't. I, I people don't like when I do
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this. They like when I do that.
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I just need to be authentic. At the end of the day.
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There's a lesson in every weakness, in every character
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defect. Another one is showing weakness
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gets you hurt. So men aren't supposed to be
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vulnerable. That's another idea.
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Men don't cry. We just move on and we provide
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for our families and we work hard and we're supposed to look
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strong all the time and that, that's another old idea that I
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come into recovery with. Another old idea off the top of
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my head, I need drugs to have fun.
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That's a perfect example. I need drugs to enjoy life.
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I can't leave my house without having drugs on me or the
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anticipation of getting drunk or the ability to look forward to.
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I need something to look forward to.
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That's another one. I always have to have something
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that I'm looking forward to that I am anticipation of, in
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anticipation of I'm excited about.
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That's not always going to be the case in life, as you know,
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we're not going to. There's a lot of things I don't
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want to do that I'm not looking forward to that I have to do
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anyways. And I spin a story in my head
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about how it's going to be the worst thing and then I go and do
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it and it's never as I thought it would be.
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That's fear, right? Face everything and recover or
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fuck everything and run. So there's this concept in
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psychology called schema schema. I don't know.
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I'm, I'm reading it like in Italian SCHEMA schema.
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It's deeply held beliefs formed early in life that filter how we
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interpret everything. So I'll build a perception we're
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looking at it through a filter, through a lens based on our
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childhoods, something learned early on.
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This is why so in recovery literature, framing framework,
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you hear sometimes in 12 step recovery, rarely have we seen a
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person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
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The path requires more than not using.
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It requires examining what's underneath.
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I have to do the work to realize why I do the things I do, why
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I'm predisposed to picking up drugs and alcohol, why I like to
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escape myself, what parts of my avoiding, what am I trying to
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cover, blot out? What am I trying to not address?
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What am I trying not to face with drugs and alcohol?
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I'm escaping something. I need to be sober to do that.
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And that leads me into the next one, which is uncover.
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But before that, I'll ask you a question.
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What's 1 belief you carried into recovery that you picked up
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before you ever touched the substance?
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1 belief you carried into recovery that you picked up long
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before you ever touched the substance.
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Think about that. And is it benefiting you?
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Uncover the question here is what is actually running me
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right now? So if you have the opportunity
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to do an inventory process in recovery, I highly recommend it.
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It's such a great exercise to get out your fears, your
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resentments, your relationship patterns, not the events, but
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the beliefs in column three or four underneath them all.
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What are the beliefs? What are the ideas here that are
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limiting me, that are affecting my behavior, that are affecting
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my relationships, the way I live and see the world?
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Is it financial insecurity? Is it sexual relations?
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Is it pride? Am I worried that I'm going to
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look a certain way? Am I comparing myself to other
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people? Is it ego?
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These are important things to uncover because they'll run your
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life if you're not aware of them.
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One of the ones that hit me the hardest when, when I do this,
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and I did this, I've done a few of them in the ten years that
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I've been doing recovery, working recovery program, is
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that I compare myself to other people.
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So when I walk into a room or when I'm in public, when I'm
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around other humans, I do this thing subconsciously where I've
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realized that now doing during meditation and doing the work, I
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compare myself to you. So you're either worse than or
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better than me. You're either more successful or
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not as successful. And then if you're more
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successful, I envy you or I'm jealous or I'm, I, I build some
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resentment that oh, you must have gotten it from your parents
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or you're just lucky and you're, you're not an addict.
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So you got a good hand. You were dealt a good hand in
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life. All these lies, these stories I
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spin up in my head. And then if you're less than me,
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if I consider you less, I, you know, my subconscious mind will
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say, oh, poor guy. He doesn't know anything.
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I can't learn anything from. It's a lack of humility.
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And I have to constantly work on that.
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I'm building my worth by scanning the environment and
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looking for differences and not similarities, which is a
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dangerous place to be. So uncovering isn't about blame,
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it's about visibility, awareness.
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You can't fix what you won't look at.
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You can't heal what you don't feel.
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You can't heal what you're not aware of.
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I need to uncover the problem before I can find the solution.
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A screwdriver is a great tool, but if I have a flat tire on the
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highway, a screwdriver isn't going to help me for shit.
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So I need to find the problem, and then I need the right
12:21
solution to solve the problem. Usually the solution to these
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problems is the opposite of whatever you're doing.
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So if I'm greedy, it's being humble, or if I'm greedy, it's
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being. If I'm greedy, it's being
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grateful, living in gratitude. If I'm angry, it's love.
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If I'm resistant or I'm in resentment, I'm angry again.
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Another one could be acceptance. If I am defiant, acceptance is
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the opposite. That's the answer.
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I need to practice more of that. I need to replace the defect of
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character with a spiritual principle.
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So there's an important distinction here between when
12:58
when something clicks is instead of asking yourself, why did this
13:02
happen to me? Why, why, why?
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Because you'll sit there forever and self pity wondering why.
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Why did I become an alcoholic? Why did I become an addict?
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Why did my financial situation end up like this?
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Why did I make this mistake, move over to what did I decide
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about myself because of it? What identity did I form as a
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result of that thing? I also learned recently that
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I've been grieving my past recovery life when I had 7 1/2
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years and I had a lot of money and I had a job that was paying
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really well and I had a condo and I was thriving in recovery.
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I had money in the bank. I wasn't spending that much.
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My, my life was seemingly in in order and I was on top of the
13:43
world. And I, I realized recently that
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I've been grieving that version of myself.
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I've been holding onto and comparing myself today to that
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guy, that version, which is not healthy.
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It's I need to look at that as a point in my life and not a
14:01
destination. Now I'm striving to be something
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else. I was obviously missing
14:05
something there. I wouldn't have relapsed.
14:07
There is obviously a part of my recovery program I wasn't
14:09
uncovering and I wasn't deal dealing with.
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Now I need to I'm I'm Anthony 3 point O.
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Now I'm a new version. You're a new version of yourself
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in this time around recovery and you need to develop what that
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looks like in that identity, in that version and lean into it,
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address the root cause of the problem and move on.
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So the distinction between events, circumstances, and
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meaning making, it's a trauma. Trauma research supports that.
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It's often the story we assign to events, not the events
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themselves. It's the narrative I have in my
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head about that event, the perspective I'm spinning on it,
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and I'm telling myself my reality, my version of reality.
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Again, perception is everything. Everything is perception.
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Perception is reality. I can choose how to look at any
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situation at any time. I can choose to look at this as
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being bad, or I can choose to look at this as being an
15:00
opportunity. My alcoholism is a perfect
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example of that. I can look at my alcoholism as a
15:05
curse and my life is over. I'm screwed.
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I'm never going to have fun again, which I did in the
15:08
beginning or today. I can look at it as the greatest
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asset in my life. It has brought me a spiritual
15:13
toolkit. I have a purpose now in my in my
15:17
life. God hooked me the F up.
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I have a direction I can follow and help others through.
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I can use all those attic skills that I have and develop, build a
15:27
business, build a podcast from it.
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Whatever your thing is, use those skills to your advantage.
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It's your superpower as Eminem always says, that drive that you
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have to get high all the time, that that ability to stay
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persistent on things and obsess over things.
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That's a skill man. Use it towards something good.
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This is not about minimizing what happened.
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Both can be true. Something terrible happened and
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we built beliefs around it and now run us on autopilot. 2
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things can be true here. Question for you, when did you
16:00
first realize a belief you had about yourself wasn't actually
16:05
yours, it was something you absorbed from someone else.
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OK, segment 3 Discover where The question here with discover is
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where did this come from and what was it protecting me from?
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The difference between uncovering and discovering.
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Uncovering names, the idea discovering traces it back.
16:28
We're looking at the root of the the problem here.
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I talked about this a bit in the open, but my problem with money
16:34
and my tying myself worth to my external circumstances, having
16:39
myself worth contingent on my external circumstances, I think
16:43
goes back to some part of my childhood where I needed
16:45
everything to be OK in the house.
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I needed there to be no problems so that I could feel OK.
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That's the the belief that was built in my childhood and now
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today it's everything's not OK on the outside.
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If I'm not financially stable, it means I'm, let's be honest,
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it feels like I'm dying. It feels like I'm eroding into
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society. I am falling behind.
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Behind what? Behind this old version of me
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that I spun the story that I should be here again.
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We're using the shoulds. I should be doing this.
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This should be this way. Not accepting the nature of my
17:21
reality. This part is uncomfortable and
17:24
I'm not going to sugarcoat it. There was grief here for
17:27
whatever you're going through. There was some amount of trauma
17:29
that happened that developed this old idea.
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You can only decide for yourself what that is.
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And with the work of a good therapist and maybe a recovery
17:38
sponsor as well, tracing back. But therapy is so important in
17:41
this aspect because I need to learn why I do the things that I
17:44
do so that I don't have to do them anymore.
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And then when they come up, I can just spin this quick line in
17:50
my head, which I've been doing a lot lately.
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Oh, there's that financial insecurity fear coming up again.
17:56
Oh, my brain is telling me is doing that thing again.
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That is telling me I need external circumstances to be OK.
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I need my external environment to be OK, whatever that means.
18:07
OK for me to be feel safe, for me to feel accepted, for me to
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belong, whatever The thing is for you.
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Discovering the origin didn't excuse the behavior, but it
18:17
explained the function that mattered.
18:19
Question for you. Have you ever discovered where
18:22
one of your survival strategies originally came from?
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What was that like? OK, discard.
18:28
So the third one we have uncover, we did discover and now
18:32
we're going to talk about discard.
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How The question here is how do I actually let this go?
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And important part here, what do I replace it with?
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Because I need to subtract by addition, I need to take away by
18:46
adding something else. Discarding isn't a decision that
18:49
happens in the moment overnight. It's a practice.
18:52
I had to act as if the old idea wasn't true before I believe the
18:57
new one. So acting as if acting as if
19:01
this wasn't true, is this really true?
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Is this thing really true? This belief that I have, is it
19:06
100% without a doubt true? Most of the time it's not.
19:10
It's a story that we spin in our head.
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So if you can act as if it wasn't true before you believe a
19:15
new one, you're on a good start on a good path.
19:18
So there's a gap period here that when you when you've let go
19:22
of the old idea, but the new one hasn't taken root yet, the space
19:26
in between is where a lot of people relapse or white knuckle
19:28
it. You're finding out your
19:30
identity, you're learning your true self.
19:31
You're, you're uncovering, discovering, discarding and
19:35
growing in recovery, but you're still looking for those new
19:37
ideas. I had to go to recovery spaces
19:40
full stop too. I followed around and I continue
19:43
to follow around guys in recovery that have what I want.
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They have that sense of ease and comfort without taking a drink.
19:49
They look calm and peaceful and they make me feel calm and
19:52
peaceful. You ever been around one of
19:53
those people that's always anxious and you can like hear
19:56
their thoughts out loud almost. They're so uptight and wound up.
20:00
How do you feel when you're around those people?
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Not very good. You feel the anxiety coming off
20:05
them, the energy that they bring to the room.
20:08
I started to hang around people that had good energy and what I
20:11
mean by that, I don't mean it in a woo woo way, but the people
20:14
that made me feel calm when I hung around them, that were
20:17
forgiving and they weren't talking shit, they weren't
20:20
gossiping. I started to hang around those
20:23
people so that I could steal their new beliefs and apply them
20:27
in my life. That's what works for me today.
20:30
Hey, can I borrow your belief and practice it?
20:33
And look, I'm happier now as a result.
20:35
What are the chances of that? Who would have thought?
20:37
If you want what we have, you have to do what we did.
20:40
Full stop. So discarding also means
20:44
grieving the identity that formed around the old idea.
20:49
So again, I'm grieving my old 7 1/2 year self because I'll never
20:53
get back to that guy. I'm not saying that I'll never
20:55
get 7 1/2 years sober again. I'm saying that I will never be
20:58
exactly like that version of me. I'm growing.
21:01
I'm the circumstances are changing.
21:03
My life is growing, evolving. I'm changing.
21:06
My perception of the world is changing.
21:08
I'm more mature, I'm maturing in recovery.
21:11
I'm growing up. So if your story was I don't
21:14
need anyone, I'll I've got this. I could do this on my own, which
21:17
is common for a lot of us. Letting that go mean sitting
21:20
with how lonely I actually was. Cognitive restructuring does not
21:25
equal positive thinking. It's about identifying the
21:28
distortion and replacing it with something more accurate, not
21:31
just optimistic. You're you're being more
21:33
realistic and and accepting and noticing things for what they
21:37
actually are. Act therapy, which stands for
21:40
acceptance and commitment therapy.
21:41
Highly recommend doing it if you have a therapist.
21:44
The framework is diffusion. Learning to see the thoughts as
21:48
thoughts, not facts. Listen, I don't know about you,
21:52
but I have no control over my first thought a lot of the time.
21:55
I have no control over a lot of the thoughts that pop into my
21:57
head. But I do have control over my
21:59
action and my next thought and what I do about that thought.
22:02
Do I dwell on it or do I notice it?
22:04
For a train passing through the station, That's it.
22:07
It's a train passing through the station and I don't have to
22:09
identify with it. I don't have to attach myself to
22:12
it. Neuroplasticity basics.
22:15
Repeated new thought patterns literally build new neural
22:19
pathways over time. Recovery changes brain
22:21
structure, not just behavior. You're rewiring your
22:23
neurotransmitters in your brain to think more realistically and
22:28
in turn end up thinking more positively.
22:31
Here's something I'll leave with you if anything is possible in
22:34
the future. If you're of a fear of the
22:36
future like I do and I just, I don't know what's I have a fear
22:39
of the unknown. Well, guess what?
22:41
The unknown could also be the best thing ever for you.
22:43
Think about that for a moment. The unknown could be is scary,
22:47
it's frightening, it's petrifying at times, but it
22:50
could also be if you look at it this way, exciting and
22:54
illuminating. And if I don't know what's going
22:55
to happen in the future, that means anything could happen,
22:57
including all the good positive things.
23:01
Whatever you put your magnifying glass on, you're going to notice
23:03
more in your life. It's the same reason if I tell
23:05
you look for a blue car and all you, you leave this podcast and
23:09
all you see on the road are for your driving right now listening
23:12
to this and I say blue car, blue car, blue car.
23:14
All you're going to notice is blue cars and you're not going
23:16
to notice. Wow, I saw 25 blue cars today.
23:18
What are those chances? You, your brain notices what you
23:21
put energy into, what you focus on.
23:24
Just remember that your magnifying glass is looking at
23:26
the negative. Turn it to the positive.
23:30
This isn't a one time thing. Uncover, discover.
23:32
Discard is a loop. It's constant, ongoing for life.
23:35
It's a new layer, new inventory, new freedom.
23:38
I still catch myself running in that old code, that old
23:41
behavior, that old programming. The difference is I notice it
23:44
faster now. I notice when it's running my
23:46
life and it's not serving me. Where are you today with this
23:49
process? What's still being worked on?
23:51
Keep it honest, not resolved. So what am I still working
23:54
through? Recovery is not just about the
23:57
removing of the substance. If drugs were my problem, I
24:00
would have stopped a long time ago.
24:01
If alcohol was my problem, I would have stopped a long time
24:04
ago. My problem is my perception.
24:06
The way I think, the way I see things, the way I spin stories.
24:09
That is my problem today. I'm right, you're wrong, I'm
24:13
right, that's my problem. Thank you all for being here
24:16
today. I appreciate every single one of
24:18
you. If you haven't already, please
24:20
like, follow, subscribe, rate the podcast.
24:23
It helps me more than you know. If no one's told you this yet,
24:26
today I love you. And remember, recovery is
24:29
simple, not easy.