Latest / The Rochelle Christiane Podcast / 187: Opening to a trigger through curiosity and self acceptance

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187: Opening to a trigger through curiosity and self acceptance · The Rochelle Christiane Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the emotional mastery podcast.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I am your host, rochelle.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I'm a holistic human design health coach and this is a space for human design and spiritual journey.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: It's not about being a master of your emotions, rather mastering the tools to self-wrangulate, to awakening yourself and remembering who you are.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Human design changed my life about five years ago and I've been learning and teaching the system ever since.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: This podcast is human design meets spirituality, meets astrology.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: You don't have to have a belief system to be here, just an open mind and curiosity.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: This is a journey of meeting yourself and awakening to your infinite potential.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Now let the magic begin.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of the emotional mastery podcast.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: This week or weekend has been really intense and I wasn't even I feel like I didn't really even have the energy to come and record this this week.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: I was going to just edit a interview that I had done, but I feel like it was actually important to come have this conversation because I think, collectively, we're experiencing a lot, we're moving through a lot.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Of course you can look at astrology, but just in general, I think there is a heaviness to the collective energy right now and if you are highly sensitive or you're an empath or you're just tuned in.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I think you're feeling it right now.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I had a moment on Saturday where I witnessed myself be triggered so hard and I know we throw that word around a lot and a lot of people think or not, a lot of people, some people maybe people who are avoiding it within themselves or have suppressed it or whatever, or have this sentiment or this idea that you should just be over it and I literally witnessed myself just completely be launched into a space emotionally that had very little to do with the actual situation and, of course, through reflecting I was able to witness that and understand that.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: But in the moment I was so incredibly angry at a situation beyond what should have come up for that specific situation and anger has always been the one emotion that I guess I've tried to avoid.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: That has always felt a little scary to me.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I think I mostly witnessed it coming towards me as rage or unhealthy expressions of anger, because anger in itself is a healthy emotion.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: It was one of the first things my therapist told me when I started therapists.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: We looked at some emotion chart and she was like all of these emotions are neutral, including anger.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Right, it's what we do with it, it's the way that we react to it, and so I feel like I was never really modeled how to express anger in a healthy way and I have moments where even just saying hey, I'm really angry right now feels so free.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: But there's been like an anger that's been brewing in me for years and I can feel it as I talk about this.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I did IFS years ago and we attempted to connect with the anger part of me and it was such a physical reaction like I started shaking and the therapist asked me if I wanted to proceed and I just didn't feel safe in my system.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: And I've done a lot of work since then and I understand anxiety, intrusive thoughts, all the things, and so I have a lot of tools now to work with that.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: But when this specific expression of anger came up this weekend, it was really really intense.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: It was really difficult and challenging to face that, to know that that is still inside and so many shadows came up with that.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I was so angry at myself for continuing to repeat patterns that I know better.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: I have done so much work.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: I have done so much work on just valuing myself and being able to put that out there and I felt like it was all for nothing, almost like that anger inside of me was just like clawing me down and tearing me down and I sat with it and it was yelling at me and I read you know, like I said, I did IFS like five years ago and I've always been really interested in the work, but it's not something I consistently did.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: And I just read the book no Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz by Richard Schwartz and it was really really good and he has a lot of exercises within that book on how you can connect with your parts, how you can speak to your parts.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: Of course, if you feel like it's a lot and you need to seek professional help, do so.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: But I was able to.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: This weekend, when all of this was bubbling up, I sort of sat with that part, with that angry part, for probably the first time ever and there was you know whether you want to call it an inner child.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: You know IFS calls it the exile.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: There was this part that was behind this manager protector part that was yelling at me and I couldn't access it.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: It was scared or it was just sensitive or I don't know it.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Vulnerable, that's the word I'm looking for.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: It was vulnerable and this part was just keeping me from it, and so I, like, took the beating of this part that was just screaming at me and telling me I was worthless and all this work was for nothing, and I didn't know how to stand up for myself and I don't know what I want and all the things, all the things that our mind repeats, you know, over and over, and I feel proud of myself in the sense that I feel like I've been able to get to this point where I can experience or witness, watch, listen to my mind without becoming attached to the stories.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: I can understand that the stories of my mind are bullshit and they don't need to be my reality, and the mind is always going to do what the mind is going to do.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I don't know that we're ever going to get to a place where we can completely silence the mind, unless you're Buddha, right, or Jesus, and that's an enlightened state that not many of us will reach in this lifetime.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: And so I was able to sort of watch it and witness it, allow it, asked it what it wanted to communicate with me, a held space for it, and I just sat there.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I had a bottle of wine that I was so tempted to drink, but instead I poured it out and I sat with it and I cried and I threw things and I understood a little bit after again that it had nothing.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: It had very little to do with the thing that had actually triggered it.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: The thing that had triggered it was just that.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: It was a trigger.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: It was like my past coming at me and it was.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: You know, I interviewed Colleen Cashman last week for the podcast and something that she said was that you know our intuition, or our triggers, it is our subconscious.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: It's an invitation to explore what's in the subconscious, and so that's really what that was this weekend.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: It was a part of myself that is very unhealed, that I didn't realize was still unhealed, and it's in these moments that we can really do the work to heal it, and, I think, through awareness and self acceptance.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: And after that I had a.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: I did have a glass of wine that night because I was angry and I was waiting, which that was the trigger waiting for someone, that was my trigger.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: And so, anyway, so I dumped out the wine that night and then I was like you know what?
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I just am better sober, I am going to stay sober.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I just feel disconnected from my body.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: I feel this little bit of a like buzzy, tingly, like energetic thing going on when I drink and I just don't feel myself and I don't know that I I want to say I don't know that I fully feel more self-sober, but that's not the case.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I feel myself sober, but it also feels uncomfortable, especially in social situations, to show up and be sober.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: And you know, I was sober for a year and it was really challenging and I'm also proud of myself because I dated sober.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I went out with friends sober, but it's a very different experience and a very grounding experience, a very humbling experience and so, anyway, so I had that glass of wine on Saturday and then yesterday after work I sat with some co-workers and I had another glass of wine and I could not sleep last night.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And it's not that I feel like I have a problem with alcohol.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I rarely drink anymore, maybe once every couple weeks, and it's maybe two glasses at that, like my cap.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: I don't drink a lot when I do drink, so in theory and on paper, it's not a problem.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: What is a problem is the way that I feel, the guilt that comes with it, the shame that comes with it, even if it was just a glass, and I think it was mostly because I felt like I had self-abandoned this boundary I had set for myself.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: On Saturday I told myself I wasn't going to drink anymore, not because it was a problem, but because I didn't feel good doing it.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: And that's what I had said from the beginning when I reintroduced alcohol.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: If I didn't feel good, I wasn't going to do it.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I was going to look at the reasons why I was drinking and I think that was part of Saturday night.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I pour the glass of wine because I was angry, not because I just wanted to enjoy a glass of wine, because I was so upset and so angry and so triggered, and that was, I think you know that further, further, furthered the trigger because I again was self-abandoning, I wasn't honoring myself, I wasn't listening to myself, I was further disconnecting from myself and I really struggle in relationships.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: It's really challenging for me.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: I was just listening to a podcast.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: It was about narcissists and I think most of us have been in relationships with narcissism in some form or another and sometimes I listen to stuff like that.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like am I a narcissist?
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: But I think, if you're even questioning that you're not, and I know I'm very, very empathetic and I always try and see things from both perspectives, from all sides, but there was an analogy that was given that I really, really, really resonate with that I've witnessed in so much my life, especially in adult relationships.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: It's like when you go to a casino and you put a coin in the slot machine, if you consistently got the same amount out, it wouldn't be a thing, right?
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: If you put a quarter in and got four bucks back, it might be fun for a few minutes, but then you consistently get the same thing and you're like, okay, I don't need this right, like whatever.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Or you would just know what you are going to receive out of that.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: So if you needed $4, you can go put a quarter in and get it out.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: But what they do is you put a quarter in nothing, put a quarter in nothing, put a quarter in and you get a pretty good amount of money, but you know the possibility of that jackpot.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: You know what's there.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: You're like, whoa, I could get $100,000, whatever it is, $2,000, whatever that amount is to you, and so sometimes you'll get $500 out of it, sometimes you get $100 out of it, sometimes you get $25 out of it.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you get nothing out of it, but you don't know what you're going to get out of it, so you keep putting that coin in.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: And what I've realized is a very consistent theme in a lot of relationships is the inconsistency that I receive and I know from my own attachment style I can be very inconsistent, so I think there's an element of mirroring there that's always showing us what we have inside right.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: But I think the inconsistency that I sometimes show is this hot and cold thing where I just don't trust the situation or I feel like it's being inconsistent.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: And I'm not playing the victim.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I take responsibility for my part in relationships, for my healing in relationships and for a lack of boundaries that I don't set in relationships.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: And so all of this came up on Saturday night and I was just so upset and so angry that I feel like I'm repeating the same pattern over and over and over and again.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: And then the mind attaches and it's like well, am I ever going to heal or am I overthinking this?
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Or is my attachment style coming up?
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Or is my trauma making me blind to what this actually is?
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Or is this actually healthy and I just don't know, but I'm so used to the chaos that can come from the inconsistency within that dynamic, within romantic situations, within dating situations, and, without getting too deep into it, I'm going to call someone out on here, but I sent a message because for me often it's easier to send messages because when I get on the phone with somebody sometimes I'm like, uh, that people please, or me, comes out.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: So sometimes I'm just like I just need an answer and it's okay and um, but I had asked previously what this person wanted out of the situation and I didn't really get an answer.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: I kind of got an avoidant thing and it's fine, we've talked about it before and this wanting to move slow and did whatever.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: But I asked again.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: I was like I'm going to ask again what do you want out of this situation?
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: And the answer that I got was you.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: And then, which in itself I feel like is a very vague answer, very unclear answer.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: But after that they said please stop asking me that question.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: And it was like it all became clear If somebody values you and somebody wants to be with you and somebody respects you and honors you, even if it's in the beginning of a relationship, they're willing to give you the validation that you may need, they're willing to make you feel safe and secure.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: I'm now I'm not saying tell somebody you want to commit to them or you see a future with them or any of that stuff.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: That's the start of what I'm saying.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: But sometimes people need to feel secure, right?
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I've gave the analogy on here before about the person who walked through three days in the desert and was just like parched and hungry and they sit down at a table with somebody who is well fed for three days and the person who's well fed it's going to eat their meal really slowly and enjoy it.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: The person that's starving and thirsty is going to inhale it and they might look really like desperate and needy and all those things.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: And I think you know we have to do the work for ourselves.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: We can't expect anybody else to do the work for us.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: But I can do all this work for myself with myself, on myself.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: But it's in relationships that, A my healing is going to be mirrored back to me and B we are social creatures.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: So I do believe there is an element of connection in relationships that is also healing, and so just being able to hold the space for somebody who may need.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: That is healthy.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: So it's really.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: It's really difficult because we want I know, I do, I always want to see the best in people, but when there's inconsistency, when your words don't align with your actions, when it's not a priority to make somebody feel safe and secure and seen and all the things, then it becomes an issue.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: And again I feel like it's coming back to this space of a lack of boundaries with myself, self abandonment.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: And I was listening to.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: I signed up for a five day wealth.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: It's with the house of we and it's like a wealth workshop, and so I was listening to the last one.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: I literally could not sleep last night.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: Like I said, I had a glass of wine after work and I just felt off all night and I could not sleep.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: It was like two o'clock in the morning.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I have to get up at 5.30.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: And it was like two o'clock in the morning and I was like, okay, I'm not going to just sit here and not sleep and have my mind go crazy.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: So I threw on the replay and it was so good, but something that was said within that workshop when it was, you know, it was talking about money and God and that connection, but something that was really powerful too that was said is it was this if we don't value ourselves, we don't value the relationship with money, right.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: And there was something in that where I was like I do value myself, I know my value, I know my worth, I know that I need to be asking for what I want and I know that if it's not met, it's okay.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: There's something on the other side of that, and asking for miracles to happen, right, and it's like in following your intuition and in following those things that you know the miracle is on the other side.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Right, the miracle might just be hey, I'm going to stay sober, right?
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: I noticed in the last few months of experimenting with alcohol, again, my ego has attached to the label of sobriety, but it's also because I just like feel so much better that way, and so I don't know.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I just feel like a lot of my shadows have come up.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And it's also Pisces season and Pisces checking your chart where Pisces is.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: But Pisces is super spiritual, it's super sensitive, but it can lose itself in other people, it can lose itself in addiction.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: It wants to detach and numb out.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: It doesn't really like to be on this physical 3D plane, right.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: It's often the ethers and it's doing its own thing.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: And we all have Pisces within us in some way shape or form Might not look like alcohol addiction to you, it may not look like drug addiction to you, but there's something.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Could be fitness, it could be food, it could be, you know, whatever it is the toxic relationship, we all have it in us and I have a lot of aspects in my chart.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: I have Pisces in my eighth house.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: The eighth house is ruled by Scorpio.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: It's drug, sex and rock and roll.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: My moon is square.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: My Pluto I have some.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: You know, I have harsh aspects.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: My Venus is opposite, you're honest, like I have some harsh aspects in my chart.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: So not only do I feel comfortable, I'm air-quitting comfortable in that sort of hot and cold relationship where I'm constantly my nervous system is activated, but I'm comfortable with that in general because there's just a lot of harsh aspects in my chart.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: And that's not to make an excuses for anything, but I feel like some of us have been put here maybe to deal with the more difficult and challenging parts of life, but I'm doing the work, I'm showing up for myself, I'm giving myself grace and compassion and I think one of the biggest keys is curiosity and self-acceptance, like yesterday when I had that glass of wine and I felt myself, shaming myself.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: I felt guilty for having it when I should have just accepted.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: You know, okay, I said I wasn't gonna have any and I had it last night.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Let's just move on.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: But sometimes the discomfort of where you're at has to be greater than the discomfort of change and being sober.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: In a culture that values drinking connection, social connection over alcohol, is a really challenging place to be.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: I have really felt lonely over the last, however long it's been, you know, year and a half.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I live in a place where I just feel like I have listen, I have so many beautiful connections online.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: So many beautiful connections online.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: I value the friendships I've made via Instagram and social media, but in my physical reality I don't have as many as I feel would support me, and a lot of the connections that I have made have been with men that I've dated, and so I feel like there's always a little bit of an underlying expectation if I were to find support there or give my energy there, and so I think I'm just in this phase of that shedding.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I need to let shit go, I need to make space and, of course, we have a full moon this week Perfect time to shed and release and do all the rituals and routines and everything to create more space for what we're calling in.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: But I just feel like this week was a bit of a wake-up call.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Again, like I said, all my shadows came up.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: I felt like I was emotionally hungover yesterday, which should have been my first clue, or my first indicator that I should not have had any alcohol last night.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: Again, it's not like I got drunk, but it was just the fact that I did it, that when I didn't actually want to, and I did it to feel like part of the crowd.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: To you know, whatever my reasons were, and it's fine, it is what it is I did what I did and, like I said, by all standards I do not have an issue with alcohol, if you want to put it down on paper.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: Again, like I said, I drink once every couple weeks.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: I didn't drink at all in January, but I feel better, I feel so much more clear being in my own system, being in my own body, and, again, pisces season is about spirituality and it's also about addiction and codependence, and so I'm like towing this line and I just was laying there last night at 2 o'clock in the morning.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I'm like I would rather use this energy to connect more deeply with myself, to make change, to make miracles happen, to shift my life, because I think the collective, the astrology right now, is supportive of transformation.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: So, leaning into it, leaning into the incredible discomfort of doing the things that I know I need to be doing, that maybe I've been avoiding.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: Nobody wants to be alone and so I think I've made excuses for people to feel less alone, but I think I need to sit with that and understand where it's coming from.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: So that's my little episode for the week, my little reflection of the weekend.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: I hope that whatever you are experiencing, whatever you're moving through, you find some clarity in it and find some support.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: My door is always open.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: You can reach out to me on Instagram at rachelchristianne.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: My email is rachel at rachelchristiannecom.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: Everything you need to know is down the show notes.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: So connect with me over there, send me a DM, send me an email.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: Holistic Human Design Academy is relaunching March 1st.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited for that.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: I will be posting this week on Instagram, but it is a nine week program.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: To remember yourself, we go through human design, we go through astrology, we go through attachment theory, we go through the physical body, we go through the gene keys.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: It really is a beautiful program.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Again, nine weeks of just like peeling back the onion layers to remembering who you are, to getting clarity on who you are.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: I've had students go on to open their own human design businesses that are launching programs that have just gained more clarity on themselves, that just feel better within themselves, and it really is such a beautiful space and this is one of those things that I was so divinely called to, just like channeled through me, and I am proud of this program and the community behind it as well, and so that will be launching March 1st.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: We also have a membership space coming between me and five other absolutely incredible women in this online space and you're going to get access to astrology, human design, reiki, akashic records like the gene keys.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: It is so amazing and more information on that will be come as well.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: That is launching mid March.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: So just keep an eye out.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: You can get on the newsletter in the link below and everything, again, everything you need to know is down there, and I will catch you next week.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: I believe Moana Leda will be next week's episode.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: I interviewed her last week and, as always, we had a beautiful, beautiful conversation.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: So until then, I love you and I will talk to you soon.