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Bosses, zombies and a dog roommate · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:25
Gross, I hate your stupid mouth-swallowing noises.
0:28
Hello and welcome.
0:30
This is Evan's podcast where he just makes mouth noises.
0:33
He makes banana noises.
0:35
Mwah, mwah.
0:37
That's more of a whale noise.
0:39
That's me preparing my voice.
0:41
Mwah.
0:43
Evan, while we're here and we've got a few extra minutes, why don't you do some vocal warm-ups?
0:51
Yeah, I wanna...
0:53
Mee-mee-mee-mee-mee-eeeer.
0:55
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
0:57
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
0:59
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
1:01
This is A plus material.
1:03
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
1:05
Alan, do you have any vocal warm-ups you wanna do?
1:07
No.
1:09
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
1:11
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
1:13
You max out the mic?
1:15
That's gonna be fun to be able to listen to.
1:19
That's gonna be painful.
1:21
But that's my vocal warm-up is just hacking.
1:23
Just acting like I'm a 40-year smoker.
1:25
forty-year smoker. He's really brave. You're so brave. Alright, welcome to Quest. Wipe
1:34
off this pop filter. Yeah, we're gonna get a new pop filter. These things are ruined.
1:41
Hey everybody and welcome to Questionable Detour. This is a podcast about nothing important.
1:47
You're not gonna learn anything. You will probably leave here with less knowledge than
1:52
you started off with when you showed up. I'm Alan. I'm joined here by Evan and Zach. We're
1:59
gonna jump into some hypothetical questions. Let's go. Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract,
2:05
purely hypothetical question? I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
2:10
Well, that's a hypothetical question. Alright, welcome to Questionable Detour. Alright, boys.
2:16
First hypothetical. You're at work. Your boss does something you disagree with. You're upset
2:22
about it. How do you handle it? Because there's multiple ways you handle it. You can handle
2:25
it as a grown adult. Go into the office, talk to him, communicate, control your emotions.
2:32
And I don't expect that from y'all. How are y'all handling a disagreement with your boss?
2:37
Remind everybody that this is hypotheticals and we would all let them walk right over
2:41
us. Every boss would use us as a doormat. Yeah, absolutely. We have no backbone. No,
2:47
we're fineless. We have the backbone of a chocolatey Claire. That is true. That is what
2:52
we say to each other often. We're like, how's your chocolatey Claire backbone? But the way
2:58
that I would handle it is my boss disagrees with me or I disagree with my boss. I challenge
3:04
him. Not to like a fight to the death or whatever. I want him to call three of his smartest family
3:11
members or I call three of my smartest family members and we get on Family Feud and we...
3:17
Fight. The feud style to see who wins. And we don't win money for charity or whatever
3:23
that crap is. I don't know what they're giving money away to charity for. You're not a big
3:27
charity guy. No, no. You see a cancer kid, you're like pull yourself up by your boot
3:32
straps. Get through it. Yeah. He hates orphans. Get a parent. Gosh. I want my boss's family.
3:42
I want my family in one soundstage, Steve Harvey in the middle. I want us to fight to
3:49
find out how the spreadsheet needs to be done. Yeah. Or whatever. I mean, it's going to be
3:53
so minimal. He wants something in Times New Roman font and I'm a Calibri guy. I mean...
4:00
I just can see that email come across to Alan's desk and all of a sudden just in the office
4:05
you hear somebody slam their hands on the table. Dang it. You hear in the background,
4:11
da da da. No, that's what you do going to his office. You start singing the tune as
4:17
you walk to his office. I start calling him Playa like Steve Harvey. Now listen, he'll
4:25
play. You carry a large mustache around with you in your pocket so you can slap it on.
4:30
Wait, are you becoming Steve Harvey as you get there? You're like shedding off... You're
4:34
iconic Steve Harvey. I think if you... So that he knows what's happening. Yeah. Yeah.
4:39
You don't see somebody walk in doing Steve Harvey and wonder if he's going to record
4:44
an audio book or something. No, no. He's not doing that. We're about to get on Feud. This
4:49
is how I imagine the situation going. You get the email. You hear the slam of a fist
4:55
on a desk, an angry fist. You hear a dang it ring across the office. All of a sudden
5:00
Alan gets up. He starts humming the Family Feud theme song. He starts shedding his clothes.
5:05
Is he getting naked? No, he has a full three piece suit. He sticks on a mustache, starts
5:11
shaving his head as he's walking to the boss's office. He gets there and he goes, let's feud.
5:19
I walk in and I say, 100 people were surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Is this wrong?
5:30
Here's your question. Is my boss a dead? And like he gets in there. He says all that. All
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of a sudden things start shifting around. The desk rolls out of the room. Walls come
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up. All of a sudden he's on the set of Family Feud. The boss is confused. He's looking around.
5:48
His family's there. Somehow you have roped... Why is Uncle Ted here? He's not even in the
5:55
top five smartest. There's a studio audience. Just somehow there. Your boss is looking confused.
6:03
He's in no mental condition to do Family Feud. He doesn't know where he is. He thinks he's
6:08
dropped acid. He thought he is finally snapped from the corporate world, finally pushing
6:13
him down. No, but you're fully ready. You get over there by the initial buzzer and you
6:18
call him over there. You're ready for that first question. You're ready. You've been
6:22
practicing at your desk how to hit a buzzer as quickly as possible. But I don't shake
6:25
his hand. No. They always shake hands. I don't do it. You slap it. I reach my hand out. He
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reaches his to shake it and I go, oh, and put it right behind my head. Oh yeah. You rub
6:36
your head. You got him. Yeah. And that's really setting the stage. And Steve Harvey's over
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there giving me eyes. Well, he's giving you eyes because you've dressed like Steve Harvey.
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Yes. I do look exactly like him. You do. It's weird. You do the little handshake miss and
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rub your hair back, you know, and then he looks over his wife, just sad, just hoping
6:56
that he didn't lose his masculinity. His wife is like, his wife has her head in her hands
7:01
on the podium, just shaking her head, disappointed in her emasculated husband, failed handshake.
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You have a little smirk. You're like, this is just the beginning. Uncle Ted sitting over
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there like good answer, good answer question. Haven't even been asked. Ted, he's drooling
7:22
eating just some cereal out of the box. Like with his hands, like he's a feral bird. I
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guarantee though that happens. Your boss is never disagreeing with you. Every time you
7:38
walk around him, he's going to be looking at you and looking around, just hoping Steve
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Harvey doesn't come up from the floor like Michael Jackson on his thriller tour, you
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know, like, like just hoping nothing happens. I like that. That was good. That's, that's,
7:51
I think that's a great way to resolve conflict. I think a lot of people should probably settle
7:55
disputes like that. I think if more people settled disputes in a game show variety, we
8:01
would have more fun arguments by the end of it. One party would win maybe money. I don't,
8:06
I don't know, but the money's not important. The money is not important. The resolution
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is important. The resolution is important. And you can't put a price on that. But if
8:15
you were, it's however much you just won in family feud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're
8:21
going to get the money, right? Yeah. You know, he's got uncle Ted on his side. He's not winning
8:25
anything yet. No. The questions like a hundred people have been surveyed. What's the best
8:30
way to take care of your hair? Uncle Ted's over here. I'm like, I tie my shoes. Sometimes
8:35
Steve Harvey looks at them confused. He's like, show me tying your shoes. Sometimes he
8:39
just a buzzer. And he does the thing where he just kind of stares at him, shakes his
8:43
head like this white dude, show me tying your shoes. A big X comes up. Uncle Ted starts
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clapping. Like he's so excited. He's like, yeah, I did it. Like, no uncle Ted, you didn't
8:59
do it. You got it wrong. All right, Evan. So Alan is forcing his boss on the family
9:05
feud. He's going to degrade his boss in front of his wife on family feud. What are you doing
9:10
to your boss when you have a disagreement? Similar to what you just framed his answer
9:15
as I'm going to replace him. It's like not in the workplace, but everywhere else in his
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life. I'm taking every picture he has of his wife and children out of his office. I'm replacing
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it with a picture of me and his wife and children. Oh, okay. I thought you're just replacing
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it with a picture of you. I am now married to his wife and the father of his children.
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He goes home and his wife doesn't know who he is. She calls the cops. She says, this
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man's not my husband. He just broke into my home. I walk in. She says, no, this is my
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husband. It's me. The boss locks eyes with me. He says, what are you doing here? How
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did you do this? I say, get out of my house. You stranger. His kids are just wrapped around
9:57
your legs. They're like, daddy, who is this man? Yeah. Who's this scary man? The cops
10:03
drag him away. I come into work the next day. He's in his office in shambles. He slept there.
10:12
I'm still his employee, so it's a weird relationship there, but I didn't get promotion. I think
10:19
you missed out the promotion. Yeah. So you take over his life, everything outside the
10:25
workplace. That really messes with his mind though, because he feels like he has the power
10:30
over you at work. The minute he clocks out at five, he holds no power. I'm just groveling
10:37
for him in his office. No, this work is right. I did so well. His insurance was sold correctly.
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I don't work for insurance. The premiums boss. The premiums. I gave these guys a great insurance
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rate. We bundled their home and auto. So I'm just, I'm having a terrible time at work and
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he thinks he has power over me. And then the second we step outside those doors, he's at
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my will. Yeah. You're like, where's your family right now? Boss. Yes. I'm going to go home
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to our family. My family. You call him boss. You don't know his name. Yeah. I've never
11:14
met the guy in my life outside of the workplace, but his family is now my family. Yeah. Yeah.
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You go on vacations with them, take selfies, send them to them. Yup. You're like, don't
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you wish this was you? Yeah. But you wish you didn't disagree with me on my spreadsheet
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now. Those insurance rates were good boss. I told you I plotted that correctly. You thought
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I didn't. Here's what I'm doing. I'm going to try to inconvenience my boss in the most
11:43
minuscule ways. Initially, you know, I'm a, I'm a kind of a strike in the pen type anger, right? Like I'm upset that we've, we've disagreed. He's like, you know, you're too good looking. You're too well rounded of a person. He disagreed on you with that. No, no. He said you were hideous and he said you're too good. Yeah. You're way too good looking. Yeah. You know, I was just, he came to my cubicle. I was trying to really support you. Yeah, maybe. But the point is, the point is that we disagreed. So he comes to my cubicle. I'm crying, my insecurity.
12:13
Insecurities on the rise. I'm a broken man. He comes, man, you're a good, you're a good looking guy. I turn around, I start marching toward him with ferocity. I start going for something in my pocket very fast. I start pulling it out. It's a note and it just says shut up. And then I turn away. Later that day, I start doing things and convenience. I start letting his air out of his tires. Not enough to put him in danger, but just enough so people see his car and go, think your tires a little low there. He fixes it. The next day,
12:42
I do it again. He gets to some gas station. Hey, sir. I think your, I think your tires are a little low there. He's slightly annoyed. This goes on for the next month. He, every day he's having somebody tell him that his tires are slightly low. Playing the long game. Yeah. It's, yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's a mental game where I break him. Like I'm a broken person. Right. I want you to feel the pain. I feel exactly. I, I change his windshield wipers out for windshield wipers that are good.
13:12
Less good, right? They leave streaks on windshield. Right. That is a serious inconvenience. It sucks. His lawnmower. I take one of the blades out. So it's just like a three blade. So it's lopsided. That lawnmower is rocking back and forth. It's not cutting the grass correctly. It's leaving streaks in his lawn. That'll emasculate a man. It will emasculate a man. His neighbors will look down on him. Right. His milk. I unscrew the top just slightly. He pulls it out, spills everywhere. Top wasn't on. Right. He blames his wife.
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They start a fight. They get a divorce. Slightly inconvenienced. Right. That is slightly inconvenient. But he gets custody of the kids, which is also an inconvenience. Yeah. He gets like him. He doesn't like the kids. He, they don't get along. His son is one of those like, I hate my dad types, but you know, that's slightly inconvenienced. I go to his barber. I mess with the clippers that cut his hair. He goes to his barber to get a haircut.
14:12
It's the one thing he has left. The one thing he can control is his hair. He can't even control that. The barber cuts his hair. It's as streaky as his lawn. I think you need to take an inch off the sole of his shoes. Yeah. There you go. I like that. On one of them. Yeah. So that he always walk in lopsided, but he doesn't really know it. He just kind of feels like he's walking lopsided. And then he does it for long enough and he gets hip problems. Slightly inconvenienced. I want to put like, I want to put on my pants.
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He's got holes in his socks. It's not that bad, but it is uncomfortable when you just have the hole in your socks, why it's in your shoes. And not only that, but now his shoes are lopsided, you know, he's needing the hip replacement eventually. Yeah. Well, yeah. I've already made him get a divorce.
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Hip replacement is just the next logical step there. Sneak into his house, loosen the screws almost completely in his cabinet doors. That way when he goes to open it, he pulls the thing right off. Yeah. I like that. That's a north. And if he has soft close cabinets right now. So every time he goes to close his cabinets, he just throws his cabinet shut and they soft close. Change out the soft close. There you go. Real close. He's a little angry one day because I've switched out the soles of his shoes. He tries to slam the cabinets knowing that they're
15:27
not going to slam. He's paid a lot of money for these cabinets. They actually slam. So he's having a really bad life. So he's probably drinking a ton. Yeah, probably. Swap out his really bad life. A slightly inconvenienced. I mean, he's got a divorce and he's stuck with this terrible kid. So I mean, he's having a slightly inconvenienced life. So he's probably drinking a lot. Yeah, sure. Swap out his beer for that non alcoholic fake. Oh, that's good. I like that. He can't quite.
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He can't quite get drunk. He can't escape reality and never get there. He's like, this tastes gross, but it's not getting me tipsy at all. What is going on? Why can I still feel thing? Maybe I swap out his prescription glasses with some more like just off his normal prescription. He can't see as far or as close. I don't know. I didn't do enough research until if he's near side and far side. I don't care.
16:25
He maybe has contacts. You give him one contact with one prescription. That's a good one. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I give him toothpaste. That's not meant. It's just that gross tart toothpaste. You swap out his fabric softeners. Yeah. Throws into his dryer sheets. Swap those out with like dryer sheets made of dog hair so he can never get his clothes rid of dog hair or cat hair.
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One. I could take that one step further. No, there's no longer any kind of way to get his clothes clean. I just switch it out with starch. Yeah. So he pulls his clothes out of the dryer is as hard as a rock. He has to put on that shirt in the morning. Just it's crunching over his body. He gets the work. He looks like he's a person that's been paused on a video. Like there's no movement in his clothes.
17:17
It looks like flat Stanley. He's walking with some weird lip because his shoes are off slightly. He's just he has rings around his eyes. His just body makeup is a mess because he's having to take care of these kids by himself. He just got a divorce. His life is just slightly inconvenient.
17:40
You find you find the container that he keeps his brown sugar cinnamon in and replace it with sand. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Or maybe instead of salt you put sugar in his salt shaker. Oh yeah. Vice versa. He's going to make a fresh cup of coffee again with the small joys he has left in his life. He starts putting salt in his coffee. You know, I switched out from the sugar and it's just one one thing at a time just to kind of slowly break it down. He acquires the taste eventually. Oh, and then you swap it back. You swap it back. He's like this is that's so funny.
18:10
It's gonna take some monitoring on my part to be like every time he takes a sip. You're like, how do you I want to know how you manage a full time job while you're also I don't I'm not a good employee.
18:23
The disagreement was about I'm sure. Yeah. Well, no, the disagreement was because I thought I was ugly. He thought that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would have to monitor his sips me like he seems like he's 30% more enjoying this cup of coffee this morning. His eyes didn't squint as much today.
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You have to have like small break room talk with him, you know, just to see how things are going. If if you gauge that they're going a little bit too good, you got to add more to his. Yeah. I got an act. I got four hours of sleep tonight. I'm like crap.
18:52
And I had to change that. Yeah. I'm gonna go change out his pillows for pillows that are slightly less plump. So they're just kind of more flat. You know, you do the you do the old situation where you're putting pillows on top of other pillows. You're fluffing them up. You know, you're almost building like pillows, but they're Legos just to sleep on them correctly. He's going to do a that there's no way he's going to be able to sleep on that. You know, maybe at night he sets his temperature to where he wants it. The perfect temperature to sleep. I sneak in, change it. He goes, what the heck? It's too hot.
19:22
It's too cold. Whatever. Whatever his temperature is. He goes back changes it. No, I'm still in the house. I'm upstairs with a son playing video games. I feel I feel the temperature change. I go back downstairs, change the temperature back just to a couple degrees off. That way he's just slightly uncomfortable.
19:39
Why he sleeps zombie apocalypse has been a virus. The world in the chaos. There's zombies around. What are you doing to survive? What weapons are you using? How are you surviving the weapons I'm using would be my wit and my charm. The classic two weapons always unsheathed.
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Those two weapons. So he dies in the first episode, I guess. Could you imagine it's everybody just like, where's my family? Just gathering supplies. Evans just like smiling, like walking down doing doing handguns. He's just like, what's up? What's going on? Life is good. What's everybody freaking out about? You turn kill these zombies with my popped collar. Why do you turn into an Italian New Yorker? What's everybody freaking out about?
20:25
What's the problem? But now, all right, my first instinct. My first trip is to a graveyard. Digging up all the graves. I'm finding the recently deceased recently buried ones. Right. Right. Digging up all the graves. Grabbing the brains. I'm setting up shop in a factory. I'm selling brains to zombies. They can't get rid of me because they need me. I'm a supplier. They're hooked on the stuff at this point.
20:52
Okay. Somehow you have brought capitalism into the zombie apocalypse. Capitalism is survival. Yeah, that's right. So take that communist. You know what a great filter on to the deciding what economic system is best. Can you set up capitalism in a zombie apocalypse? Yes, you've just decided you could. Can you set up communism? Have fun doing that. Tell those zombies to work for nothing for the greater good of the other zombies. They're not doing it.
21:22
Boom. Capitalism wins. What are they paying? What a zombie's currency is it brains? Are they paying? Because I don't think zombies are that have, I mean, just cold hard cash maybe is this less of a business than Evan thinks it may be that Evans just giving them brains so they don't eat his. Yeah, it's mainly just survival. Really? Okay. Okay. I thought I really just survived. I thought you're using your wit, your charm. You may be finding.
21:52
A three piece. Yeah, maybe I'm finding my way to get to convince them to give me something like they're bringing me weapons. Yeah, they're bringing me fortifications. I have a zombie army at the end of the day. They're fighting for me. I take over the world. Evan Evan like his target demographic is police officers and military people because they always have weapons on. Yeah, that's right. So he gives them a brain and he just takes their gun. Now they zombie military. You just give it brain. Okay. Okay.
22:21
I don't know if you're like, all I have is brains. Normal person. They're not very smart, so it's tough to work together. But because they really just want one thing and that's brains. Well, I feel like you would have to get ahead of them, maybe put a brain tied to a stick and just kind of leave them wherever you're going. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be tough to lead them into like a hive mind situation, but I think we can get there. Yeah. I like that. I love the thought of you just using actual money being like, this brain is worth $5 and you're like, I'm going to take your brain and you're going to take me to the next level. Yeah. I'm going to take you to the next level. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
22:51
You just stop hiding money for no reason.
22:53
I love that.
22:54
Currency has really gone out the window.
22:57
At that point, you're just collecting paper.
22:59
Yeah, the zombie comes up to me at the brain stand.
23:01
Of course, there's a queue.
23:03
There's a line.
23:03
The brain stand.
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And he comes up, I'm like, all right,
23:08
here's your brain, that'll be $5.
23:10
He reaches in his back pocket for his wallet.
23:12
He pulls it out, he opens it up, sees he's out of money.
23:15
He only has $3.
23:16
I'm like, it's not good enough.
23:19
Yeah, we don't haggle here.
23:20
Yeah, this isn't a barter.
23:22
You give me money, I give you brain.
23:25
Give me money, give you brain.
23:27
And he's like,
23:30
I'm like, buddy, back of the line.
23:33
If you ain't got the money, you ain't got the brain.
23:35
That's right.
23:35
You say that a lot.
23:38
The only money they have is in their back pocket
23:40
from when they die.
23:41
Exactly, exactly.
23:42
He turns out his front pocket's spare change falls out,
23:45
but it's only like five cents.
23:47
And then he has some blood in there,
23:49
and you're like, buddy, come on, keep it up.
23:51
He's just looking sad at you.
23:53
He just turns into the big puppy eyes.
23:56
His face is half falling off.
23:57
Wrong.
24:01
Throw me a brain here.
24:04
He turns around to his zombie family,
24:06
just to mean this is how I keep my family alive.
24:10
You're like, no, no, no, cold hard capitalism.
24:12
You have to have the money.
24:14
No handouts here.
24:15
That's right, pull yourself up by your boot strap.
24:19
He's wearing one boot, the other one's falling off.
24:21
Yeah.
24:23
I like that.
24:23
I imagine that your brain business
24:26
is just like a kid's lemonade stand.
24:29
Like it's just-
24:30
Yeah, it's just a little wooden box.
24:31
Crudely, crudely just a sign, you know,
24:35
all over the top of-
24:36
So they can definitely just walk-
24:37
Warm wet brains just sitting there in a bucket.
24:39
Piled up behind me,
24:41
where they could easily just walk around and kill me.
24:44
They don't know that though.
24:44
They respect entrepreneurship, you know?
24:47
Exactly.
24:48
They get that.
24:49
They said, we want to support small business.
24:51
So.
24:52
Except you're not small business.
24:54
Yours is the biggest business in the world at that point.
24:56
Eventually, yeah.
24:57
Yours is the only business, that's it.
25:00
Every business starts as a small business, you know?
25:02
So I gotta work my way up.
25:04
So what's the business called that sells brains?
25:07
Brain Flakes?
25:09
Oh, Brain Flakes, yeah.
25:10
Raising brain.
25:11
Raising brain, there you go.
25:13
Which also works cause it's like raising cane, you know?
25:15
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:16
Yeah, raising brain.
25:17
Brain Loops, Cinnamon Toast Brain.
25:20
What?
25:20
Just cereal.
25:22
You're just adding-
25:24
Why are your business names all based on Jacks?
25:26
Brain Jacks.
25:27
Like, why do I-
25:29
Captain Brain.
25:29
Yeah.
25:30
Evan's like, I only have one idea and it's cereal.
25:33
It's all cereal.
25:34
Cereal.
25:36
It's Captain Crunch, oops, all brains.
25:39
All right, Alan, how are you surviving the apocalypse,
25:45
the zombie apocalypse?
25:46
So a lot like Evan, I took to capitalism,
25:52
where American businessmen, we thrive on capitalism.
25:57
I am going out to the land that I own
26:00
and I'm going to start charging people
26:03
to build a shanty town there.
26:05
Nice, yeah.
26:06
I'm going to say you have to provide me
26:09
with some sort of food, weapon, something like that,
26:14
in order to stay there.
26:16
I'm not gonna live there cause I'm not poor.
26:18
Capitalism, you know?
26:21
Yeah.
26:22
This man said I would never live in a shanty town.
26:24
I would definitely not live there.
26:27
There's, you know, obviously there's no outdoor,
26:29
or there's no plumbing, everything is an outdoor bathroom.
26:32
Well, yeah.
26:33
It's gonna smell like feces.
26:34
There's an option for it.
26:35
There's an option for indoor plumbing.
26:36
You don't choose it though.
26:38
No.
26:38
You're like, you people can use the bathroom outside.
26:40
It's called a shanty town.
26:41
Like they know exactly what they're getting into.
26:44
That's the name of it?
26:45
You didn't rename it, you just called it shanty town?
26:48
It's...
26:53
It just, people come in for salvation,
26:56
they come over to the town,
26:56
it's just a crude sign, just shanty town.
27:00
This is a shanty town.
27:02
I just imagine Alan being the mayor of that
27:07
with his stupid suit on,
27:09
and he walks out holding his collars, you know,
27:11
like they do, and he just becomes the villain
27:15
of some kind of coming to age story arc
27:18
for some kids in that shanty town trying to make it.
27:21
They're like, the old evil Mayor Alan
27:23
is stopping us from saving our families.
27:26
Well, shanty is, I say that,
27:28
I mean, it is a shanty town for sure.
27:30
Yeah, yeah.
27:31
That's because they sing a lot of sea shanties.
27:33
Oh, that's interesting.
27:34
They do that there.
27:36
I think it's because of the name.
27:37
Shanty actually stands for something.
27:40
Oh.
27:41
Small housing, all new.
27:44
Thank you.
27:45
Thank you.
27:46
Thank you.
27:47
Small housing, all new, thank you.
27:53
It really gets the point across that this is not a,
27:57
this is not a big neighborhood.
27:58
Yeah.
27:59
It is all new, not good.
28:01
It's not good.
28:02
And thank you for providing me with food
28:05
and weapons to live here.
28:08
Yeah, yeah, there you go.
28:09
It's new only in the fact that you just built it.
28:12
Yeah.
28:12
You're using old things.
28:14
Oh yeah, there's nothing, there's no new supplies.
28:17
And what I'm doing is like currently,
28:19
I have a couple of rental houses,
28:21
so I'm already sort of in the slumlord landlord business.
28:24
Yeah, no real estate, yeah.
28:25
I think that that's kind of a skill
28:29
that will transfer over into a zombie apocalypse time.
28:33
I think so, I like that.
28:34
I think you're already a head start.
28:36
You know, you got the land.
28:37
You have the capitalistic attitude.
28:39
Yeah.
28:40
You're gonna use people for your benefit.
28:43
And Evan, if you wanna set up like a brain stand,
28:46
it sounds like the construction of your stand
28:48
is not unlike the construction of the houses
28:51
at Shantytown.
28:52
Well, luckily mine's portable,
28:54
so I can set up shop there for a little bit.
28:56
I may open up a new location over there, you know?
28:58
Franchise it out a little bit.
28:59
Oh my gosh. Hey, that would be good.
29:01
That would be good.
29:03
We can't let capitalism die with humanity.
29:05
Absolutely not. That's right.
29:06
We need to let it live on, really.
29:10
Imagining you two with y'all's businesses
29:12
restarting society kinda scares me.
29:15
Isn't that?
29:16
Well, then that brings us to you, Zachary.
29:19
What are you doing to survive?
29:21
If you think ours is so frightening.
29:23
I'm going to Shantytown.
29:25
That sounds great.
29:26
They have shanties.
29:27
They have a really cool mayor.
29:29
As long as you're paying your dues to get into Shantytown.
29:34
I have to give you weapons, food.
29:36
Tell me what you have to offer me
29:38
before you can get in the door.
29:39
I don't do anything.
29:40
I am not planning for the zombie apocalypse, right?
29:44
So it happens.
29:44
I'm just in the streets looking confused.
29:46
I see Evan walk by with his pop collar
29:48
being all happy and merry, New York Italian.
29:52
I don't understand.
29:53
Yeah, he says that to me.
29:54
I'm like, you know me.
29:55
What are you?
29:57
You're not in my way at all.
29:58
Yeah, you yell across the street
30:01
to the other side yelling that at me.
30:02
I just want you to notice that I'm walking.
30:07
Hey, I'm walking here, look.
30:08
You're bragging.
30:10
You're bragging about it.
30:11
I don't know why, but I look confused.
30:14
I don't know what's going on.
30:14
I have not planned for this.
30:16
So immediately I have nothing.
30:18
I have my labor.
30:19
Does Shantytown need maybe some just day laborers?
30:24
Like what?
30:24
I think we could probably use some.
30:26
Now, you don't have to be skilled.
30:29
No, and I'm not.
30:30
The houses are not put up well.
30:33
They're mostly duct tape and staples.
30:36
Leftover nails.
30:37
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:37
It's a lot of rust.
30:39
Just a lot of rust.
30:40
Technus runs rampant in that place.
30:43
They say that Shantytown is the new belt buckle
30:48
of the new Rust Belt.
30:50
That's a heck of a phrase.
30:52
Lots of word in that slogan.
30:54
Shantytown, the new belt buckle of the Rust Belt.
30:56
Of the new Rust Belt.
30:57
The new Rust Belt.
30:58
That is a heck of a slogan.
31:01
I won't be saying that too often.
31:03
I don't think many people die
31:05
before they're able to finish it.
31:06
Yeah, lots of tech.
31:08
I have all kinds of diseases.
31:10
But I will offer up my body in the form of day laborers.
31:14
I don't have anything.
31:17
Again, I didn't plan it.
31:17
So maybe I'll go to Evan's brain stand, brain flakes,
31:21
and then I will maybe, yeah, raise him brain.
31:25
Hey, we're workshopping.
31:26
We're workshopping.
31:28
Maybe I'll work for him.
31:30
I'll have some of his cold hard cash just on hand.
31:33
Do you take currency that no longer means anything?
31:37
The only outdated currency I'll take is Confederate money.
31:39
That's just as backed up as our dollar by gold right now.
31:46
Anyway, so.
31:47
If the dollar's gone, there's really no point
31:50
in no point in asking for that.
31:52
Yeah.
31:53
Confederate money just seems cooler.
31:54
What if I have the dollar bills,
31:56
I have the cash that Evan brings in,
31:58
I do origami with the cash.
32:01
I don't know origami.
32:02
So mostly it's just gonna be,
32:04
just gonna be it folded a couple of times.
32:05
It's gonna be a square.
32:06
Well, now that might be of some use
32:09
because there won't be any real electricity of any sort.
32:13
I'll need some sort of entertainment.
32:15
I'll be kind of like a medieval lord sort of.
32:20
You might have a king, yeah.
32:21
Or how they would have like a jester or something.
32:23
Am I gonna be the jester?
32:24
You could be the jester
32:25
and you could use your origami skills to entertain me.
32:29
Right, I cry a lot.
32:30
Is that something you want from a jester?
32:32
I prefer it.
32:33
My main skill, you're gonna gather people into your court,
32:38
you know, and you're gonna be like,
32:39
entertain me jester.
32:40
I'm just gonna go in there,
32:41
my knees are gonna come together,
32:43
and I'm just gonna cry.
32:44
I'm gonna cry for everybody.
32:45
What's your jester name?
32:46
Like you probably have a persona that you could use.
32:49
It was the one you use in clown college.
32:51
Wacky Zacky.
32:54
I like Wacky Zacky.
32:56
What about the molester jester?
33:01
I don't think anybody wants to be called that.
33:04
That guy has been banned from Shantytown.
33:07
He saw it.
33:09
For obvious reasons.
33:11
That guy saw it as hunting grounds.
33:16
He is no longer allowed here.
33:18
The molester jester, that just sounds like somebody
33:22
just kinda like skipping around,
33:24
like looking all like nefarious
33:26
and just like they lend somebody real things.
33:30
Running off into the shadows.
33:32
But yeah, maybe I won't be the molester jester.
33:35
Wacky Zacky sounds fun, that's a fun name.
33:37
I'll have a little nose that makes a honk noise.
33:40
More family friendly.
33:44
Yeah, you know, but I basically,
33:46
my plan on surviving the zombie apocalypse
33:49
is just relying on y'all two.
33:51
As I've done through modern society,
33:53
I am just a parasite.
33:55
I take- Just piggyback on other people.
33:56
Exactly, I take, take, take, take, give nothing back.
34:00
I think we've got some,
34:03
I think we've got a good little enterprise going on here.
34:05
I'm glad y'all think I'm a part of that
34:07
and not just kinda carrying along with y'all.
34:10
Well, we've got a good enterprise.
34:11
We've got a good, sorry, I didn't specify.
34:14
That was directed at Evan.
34:17
Zack, I bet your origami skills are mediocre at best.
34:22
Mediocre at best, yeah.
34:23
But you could entertain the zombies while I'm selling,
34:26
like the ones in line.
34:28
While I'm selling the brains. There you go, there you go.
34:29
That's my job, that's my job.
34:30
So they don't get out of line.
34:31
Yeah, pun intended.
34:33
Pun intended.
34:34
Yeah, that's my job, that's my job I'll do
34:35
at Raisin Brains, so.
34:38
All right, y'all wanna do a Craigslist?
34:40
I need to go make water first.
34:46
Wanna break from the ads?
34:47
No!
34:48
["Raisin Brains Theme Song"]
34:54
All right, this episode is sponsored by Raisin Brains.
34:57
Are you a no longer alive human being in search of brains?
35:02
Well, come on down to Raisin Brains.
35:04
It's a little wooden shop on the side of the road
35:06
that you'll see that you definitely can't walk
35:08
around the side of, so don't try.
35:11
I will sell you brains that you're hungry for.
35:15
I got Cajun brains, different season, I got Italian brains.
35:20
I got plain Jane White brains for those people
35:27
that are looking to keep a little seasoning off,
35:30
keep your cholesterol down.
35:31
So come on down and give me your cold hard cash.
35:35
This episode is also sponsored in part by Shantytown.
35:40
Has society just crumbled around you?
35:43
Have zombies taken over?
35:45
Do you not know where to go?
35:47
Well, come on down to Shantytown.
35:50
That stands for small housing, all new, thank you.
35:57
Shantytown is not necessarily a nice place,
36:00
however, with society in the state that it is,
36:03
you'll be glad to have it.
36:06
There is a lot of rust.
36:10
It's almost entirely rust.
36:13
There's also mold, decaying wood.
36:19
Why is that your selling point?
36:21
We also are glad to be partnering with Raisin Brain.
36:26
They're opening up their second location here at Shantytown.
36:31
So come on down to Shantytown.
36:33
When society falls, you'll be glad you did.
36:37
And brought to you by me.
36:38
I didn't plan for the zombie apocalypse.
36:40
If you need somebody to mooch off of you,
36:42
completely deplete your supply without giving anything back.
36:46
Go ahead and just call me up.
36:47
I'll gladly do it.
36:48
I don't have anything going for me.
36:50
So, oh, I also kind of know how to do origami.
36:54
But not very good.
36:56
There's just going to be mostly kind of squares.
36:58
Just square pieces of paper.
37:00
Call me.
37:01
I don't have a phone though.
37:02
So you just call a random phone and hope it's me.
37:04
Craig's List has got what you need.
37:08
But sometimes Craig's List needs what you got.
37:11
All right, for Craig's List today,
37:13
I have somebody looking for companionship.
37:16
It happens a lot on Craig's List,
37:18
just people looking for companionship.
37:19
We know that.
37:20
We've been through plenty of Craig's List ads.
37:22
This person says in the title,
37:25
single male looking for single female.
37:28
In the body of the post, it says,
37:30
single male is looking for an open-minded woman
37:32
to be his roommate.
37:33
I will let you have the bigger room.
37:35
Please reply with a pic if you're interested.
37:38
Immediate thoughts?
37:40
This is not a post on a roommate.
37:42
This is, he's looking for a lover
37:44
that he can put in another room.
37:46
Yeah.
37:47
If you have to immediately approve what they look like,
37:50
then that's probably.
37:53
Yeah, when you're not looking for a roommate,
37:54
you're like, I want the hottest of roommates.
37:56
You just need somebody to help pay your rent.
37:58
This guy doesn't need that.
37:59
He specifies that it has to be a female.
38:01
Yeah.
38:02
An open-minded female.
38:03
Now, I assume that doesn't mean
38:04
she just had brain surgery.
38:06
I mean, she probably wants to be in a relationship
38:09
with an old man.
38:11
Which is what we are.
38:12
You're in a relationship with an old man?
38:14
No.
38:15
How old?
38:15
We're...
38:16
How old is the old man you're in a relationship with, Evan?
38:20
It's not important.
38:21
No, it isn't.
38:22
What's important is how much he pays me.
38:23
Oh, come on.
38:24
How much does he pay you?
38:26
I don't know what a good number is for a man to pay you.
38:29
Doesn't he only pay you in the franc?
38:33
The franc.
38:36
French currency?
38:37
Is that a man?
38:38
He only pays you in the franc.
38:41
I'm sure our tens of listeners
38:43
will look that up and let us know.
38:47
No, what I meant is we are single, open-minded women
38:51
who are interested in being his roommate.
38:53
Yes, okay, I see.
38:54
But we're not gonna gloss over the fact
38:56
that you're getting paid by an old man.
38:57
We'll talk about that.
38:58
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:59
Off-mic.
39:00
Yes, we are three open-minded women,
39:01
so I think we would be interested
39:03
in what this guy's selling.
39:04
Well, we say, hello, I am open-minded and need a roommate.
39:09
Easy, simple, gets to the point.
39:11
Nothing weird.
39:12
Nothing weird.
39:13
He goes on to say, well, hello, so you are interested.
39:17
We are going to have fun.
39:18
Please tell me more about yourself.
39:20
What do you think?
39:21
You're in a bouncy house?
39:22
Yeah.
39:23
Yeah.
39:24
What do you think we're gonna have fun means?
39:27
Is it a bouncy house?
39:28
Does he have board games?
39:30
What does he mean we're gonna have fun?
39:33
I assume.
39:34
I think there's a constant game of Uno happening.
39:36
There you go, yeah.
39:37
It's like one of those games you leave on the coffee table
39:39
and just kinda play slowly throughout the day.
39:42
Yeah, I assume it's something innocent, right?
39:45
Let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt.
39:47
He says, please tell me about yourself.
39:49
I said, yes, I am interested.
39:51
What gave it away?
39:52
The fact that I found your post
39:53
and then took the time to email you?
39:55
Question mark?
39:56
About me.
39:57
I love animals, but not squirrels.
39:59
I love sunshine.
40:01
I love long walks on the beach around the neighborhood.
40:04
The beach is not around the neighborhood.
40:06
It's around the neighborhood.
40:08
The sentence reads, I love sunshine.
40:10
I love long walks on the beach and around the neighborhood.
40:13
I love wet food.
40:14
And of course, I love driving the cattle
40:17
into the correct pen.
40:20
You're a border collie.
40:21
Is that what I'm hearing?
40:23
You're a border collie.
40:24
You might be on the right track of it.
40:27
He says, that sounds nice.
40:29
What else?
40:30
What are your hobbies?
40:31
Can I see a picture of you?
40:33
He did say in his initial post
40:35
that he wanted to see a picture
40:36
to approve the roommate situation.
40:38
And the kissy face emoji back in play.
40:40
Yes, the kissy face is back in play.
40:42
Don't know if we've gotten through a Craigslist post
40:44
with the out of kissy emoji.
40:45
Yeah, it's, well, for some reason,
40:48
we keep on getting Craigslist posts
40:49
with people that are just kind of thirsty.
40:52
So I go on to say hobbies question mark.
40:56
Well, anything you throw, I will go get it.
40:58
I love to be scratched behind my ear.
41:00
I hate mailmen.
41:02
I am very easy to groom.
41:04
Sometimes I dig holes in the backyard,
41:06
but I get punished for it.
41:08
I think he heard easy to groom and he immediately said,
41:12
this is the person I need to get.
41:14
He goes on to say, oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
41:17
Well, when we move in together,
41:19
I will punish you for nothing.
41:21
What do you like in a roommate situation?
41:23
Can I see a picture of you?
41:26
I continue to say, well, I need to be let out every so often.
41:30
I don't use the bathroom inside.
41:32
I need to be fed.
41:33
And usually I like my food in a bowl.
41:35
I was not supposed to eat at the table,
41:37
so on the floor is fine.
41:39
My last roommate would put me up when guests came over.
41:42
So maybe you can let me out when somebody comes over.
41:47
He goes on to say, oh, sweetie, who was your last roommate?
41:50
They sound awful.
41:52
You will be able to eat at the table with me
41:55
and please use the bathroom inside.
41:57
That way I can keep an eye on you.
41:58
Winky face.
42:00
There you go.
42:01
That's what he's-
42:02
You want me to keep the door open?
42:02
I don't know.
42:05
Gross. I don't get guests often, but if I do,
42:09
you'll be allowed to show yourself
42:10
maybe in some sexy clothes.
42:12
Winky face.
42:13
Can I see a picture of you?
42:16
Is he gonna parade you around in lingerie
42:19
in front of his friends?
42:20
Is that what's happening here?
42:21
Maybe, maybe.
42:23
So what kind of sexy clothes do you put on a dog?
42:26
Why do you, how do you know it's a dog, Evan?
42:28
That's not-
42:29
There's been a couple of giveaways.
42:32
It doesn't really spell itself out, I guess.
42:35
Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
42:37
Okay, I understand.
42:38
I continue to say, wow, I can eat at the table.
42:41
I'm a very messy eater, so hopefully that won't get annoying.
42:44
Thank you for letting me use the bathroom inside.
42:46
You'll have to clean it up though.
42:48
I don't have thumbs to clean it up myself.
42:51
And normally I don't wear clothes
42:52
unless it's a cute sweater during the colder months.
42:55
My last owners thought it was cute.
42:57
My last owner?
42:58
Yes.
42:59
He said, I don't mind cleaning up after you.
43:01
Winky face.
43:02
And I like a roommate who doesn't wear clothes.
43:05
That's very exciting for me.
43:07
Can I see a picture of you?
43:09
He is completely just seeing what he wants to see here.
43:13
There's so many questions.
43:13
Jumping over the red flags.
43:15
That's the thing though.
43:16
I think these people just get locked onto what they want
43:19
and they just only see, so like he only saw,
43:22
I said I don't normally wear clothes and that was it.
43:24
It was tunnel vision,
43:25
just completely ignoring everything else.
43:28
He didn't hear the word owners.
43:30
He didn't.
43:31
Owners, he didn't, or read the word.
43:34
Thumbs.
43:35
Thumbs?
43:36
Yeah, I don't have any thumbs.
43:37
I don't have.
43:38
Yeah, he just kind of completely ignores that.
43:41
I don't would have read that.
43:42
He would at least know that you're a four fingers
43:44
on each hand human.
43:45
That's a weird question.
43:48
I don't think he really cares about that
43:50
for what he's going for.
43:51
I continue.
43:52
I start kind of pressing the situation here
43:55
just to see if for some reason he picks up.
43:57
I said, just know that I walk on all fours everywhere I go.
44:01
And I do have a tendency to bite,
44:02
so my last people would muzzle me to keep the kids safe.
44:07
I need a smaller door in the normal door to let me outside.
44:11
If a kid wants to own me, the parents must say,
44:14
you know that's a big responsibility.
44:16
You will have to feed and water it
44:18
and take it on long walks.
44:21
He goes on to say, the boyfriend you were with
44:23
before sounds like a terrible person
44:25
and you deserve so much more.
44:26
I will treat you right and you can use the normal door.
44:30
I will let you.
44:32
Can I see a picture of you?
44:33
Is this the first time the boyfriend comment has come up?
44:37
Yeah, that's the first time anyone said boyfriend.
44:39
Because at first it was roommate
44:41
and then now he's like,
44:43
I can just throw a boyfriend in it and it won't be weird.
44:45
I think he's being like the nice guy,
44:47
like you deserve better,
44:48
I can be a better boyfriend than the last one.
44:50
I continue to say,
44:51
well, can I see a picture of you first?
44:53
Normally I would sniff a butt to get to know somebody,
44:56
but a picture will do just fine for now.
44:58
Though just know my best senses are hearing and smelling.
45:01
I can smell bombs or drugs in suitcases.
45:04
In fact, I worked for the airport
45:06
for about 12 years before they retired.
45:08
He goes on to say, oh, you like to snuff.
45:15
He goes on to say, oh, you like to snig butts?
45:18
You're a dirty girl.
45:22
What?
45:23
He meant to say sniff.
45:25
But how is that still all he got out of what you just said?
45:29
But he, you retired from the airport after 12 years.
45:35
He should be asking how old you are.
45:37
Yeah.
45:40
He fat-figured the F's, but geez,
45:43
so it says I snig butts.
45:46
You like to snig butts, you dirty girl.
45:50
Oh man.
45:51
I respond, well, I've only ever been called dirty girl
45:54
when I've rolled in the mud.
45:56
The normal phrasing is usually good girl when I do a trick
45:59
and bad girl when I pee on the carpet.
46:02
He goes on to say, oh God.
46:09
So what just came up on the screen is a picture of the guy.
46:12
Remember I asked if I could have a picture of him.
46:16
Alan, Evan, would y'all like to describe
46:17
the picture of the guy?
46:19
I'm gonna say late 50s, hard life,
46:23
heavy drinker, mustache.
46:25
Hair only on the sides of his head.
46:27
Yeah, yeah.
46:29
Oh gosh.
46:30
Dirty white tee. Bold rimmed glasses.
46:33
No smile either.
46:34
Just a white t-shirt, white undershirt.
46:36
Yeah, just has no facial expression
46:38
other than just kind of disappointment.
46:40
He goes on to say under the picture,
46:42
I will call you a bad girl, now let me see a picture of you.
46:46
So the picture I send is a picture of a yellow lab.
46:56
He goes on to say, is that your dog?
46:58
It is cute, what do you look like?
47:03
I'm going to say, no, that's me silly.
47:06
He goes on to say, I'm confused, that is a dog.
47:10
He still has not caught on.
47:12
Yeah, I said, yeah, you got it.
47:14
You sure know your animals.
47:16
Big animal planet vibes I'm getting from you right now.
47:20
He said, no, I want to know what you look like, not a dog.
47:23
I respond, all caps.
47:25
I am the dog, I am a dog, that's what I look like.
47:30
He does not respond.
47:34
I love, that was great.
47:36
I love that you literally had to spell it out the words,
47:38
I am a dog.
47:40
Oh yeah, no.
47:41
I'm the dog.
47:42
That was about 20, that was about 18 messages,
47:46
just back and forth.
47:47
It took me until the 18th message to tell him I'm a dog.
47:51
And then he did not respond.
47:52
He was not picking up on the hints at all.
47:54
He was seeing exactly what he wanted to see,
47:56
and that was it.
47:57
Do you think he went back through the messages
47:59
and re-read them and was like,
48:00
he was like, oh, that makes sense.
48:03
The signs were everywhere.
48:08
It's like, oh, I can't lie, he sniffs butts now, okay.
48:11
He was like, wait a minute.
48:12
He's on the carpet, oh.
48:14
Wait a minute, these are all things dogs do.
48:17
But I guess for me, when you see the picture of the guy,
48:20
I guess it kind of makes sense.
48:22
For one, old people just don't pick up technology.
48:24
They don't pick up with technology,
48:26
and then he's just like an old man looking for a roommate
48:29
to play around with.
48:31
Like he's seeing what he wants.
48:33
Do you think he actually thinks you're a dog now?
48:35
And he's like, how is that dog typing to me this whole time?
48:38
No, I love the thought of him thinking now,
48:43
he doesn't understand it's still a human,
48:45
but he just thinks it's a dog.
48:49
He seems like a really gullible guy.
48:50
Dogs have really evolved.
48:56
He's like, he can't type.
48:58
I type better than him as a dog.
48:59
He's over here saying he snigs butts or I snigs butts.
49:03
Oh yeah, all right, well, that's it.
49:06
We're done.
49:07
Go on with y'all's lives.
49:08
Goodbye.
49:09
Get out of here.
49:10
You don't get butt.
49:11
I'm gonna check on them.