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When Your Parents' Trauma Becomes Your Childhood · Groove with Portia

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Guru Portia, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
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  Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Portia the producer, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: where we will exchange laughter, of course, the best medicine
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: of them all. Reflect on cherished memories. Remember that time
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  Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
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  Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park? Yikes. And of course, discover
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  Speaker 1: gratitude while navigating one of life's hardest challenges, loss. So
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: get ready to grew with me, Portia, the producer. Let's
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: dive in. Why, hello everybody, and welcome back to Grew
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: with Portia. I'm your host, Portia Booker, and as always,
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  Speaker 1: don't forget to like, share, and subscribe to keep up
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: with all things Grew with Portia. So one of the
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  Speaker 1: things that I often think about with my own grief
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  Speaker 1: journey is the relationship that I wish that I had
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  Speaker 1: with my dad growing up. So those of you know,
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  Speaker 1: both of my parents have made their physical transitions, but
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  Speaker 1: my dad and my mom, they had both different lives.
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  Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is, They both had
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  Speaker 1: different experiences that made it where they couldn't make things
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  Speaker 1: work as a union, but they still co-parented. But when
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  Speaker 1: I think back on, for example, the father-daughter dances that
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  Speaker 1: I would see some of my friends go to with
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  Speaker 1: their own fathers, I didn't have that luxury to do
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  Speaker 1: that with my own biological father. So for my audience today,
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  Speaker 1: for you guys who are tuning in, how many of
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  Speaker 1: you are finding yourself grieving experiences that you wish that
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  Speaker 1: you had received growing up. Let that sink in. So
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  Speaker 1: today I'm joined by an individual who is no stranger
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  Speaker 1: to grieving an experience and life that she wished that
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  Speaker 1: she had had. She is the author of the new book,
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  Speaker 1: Life with Less of Me. And before I introduce who
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  Speaker 1: she is, I want to give a special shout out
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  Speaker 1: to Mr. Dave Roberts for the introduction. So welcome to
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  Speaker 1: Guru of Portia, Ms. Juliana Burmish. Juliana, how are you today?
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  Speaker 2: I'm good. Thank you so much for inviting me to
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  Speaker 2: your podcast.
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  Speaker 1: Juliana, it's an honor. I think so many people are
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  Speaker 1: in this transitional phase in their life where a lot
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  Speaker 1: of old experiences are coming up and they're trying to
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  Speaker 1: find that middle ground, right? And I'm curious for you, Juliana,
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  Speaker 1: And I don't know if you know, I go deep
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  Speaker 1: very quickly. But as I mentioned, grief isn't just that
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  Speaker 1: physical transition in our life. It's grieving a normal childhood.
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  Speaker 1: It's grieving relationships that we wish could have lasted longer.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm curious for you, Juliana, when did you begin
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  Speaker 1: recognizing that you were carrying grief for experiences that you
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  Speaker 1: never had?
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  Speaker 2: I recognized it. pretty early in life when I realized
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  Speaker 2: that my childhood wasn't what other people had. And in
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  Speaker 2: that way, I became very angry with my parents, blaming
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  Speaker 2: them for the fact that I was different than other people,
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  Speaker 2: that I had a lot of trauma in my life
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  Speaker 2: and anxiety issues that I needed to work through.
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  Speaker 1: Julianne, I get it. I mean, and anger, as me
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  Speaker 1: and you both know, is frowned upon if you're a woman.
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  Speaker 1: You're not allowed, and I... There was years ago, Juliana,
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  Speaker 1: I was having a conversation with someone and they described
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  Speaker 1: anger as that nudge that you know that you deserve better.
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  Speaker 1: The reason why you're projecting how you're feeling because you
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  Speaker 1: know that you want a different outcome than what's currently
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  Speaker 1: being presented to you.
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  Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
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  Speaker 1: And Juliana, another thing that I know that both of
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  Speaker 1: us also share in common is the obviously transition of parents.
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  Speaker 1: And one of the things that I know in your
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  Speaker 1: book that kind of depicts about your mom's life. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm curious, Juliana, for our audience, you mentioned that your
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  Speaker 1: mom deserved better than what she got. And I'm curious,
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  Speaker 1: what do you wish life had given your mother that
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  Speaker 1: she never got to experience?
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  Speaker 2: A loving partner, loving parents. Generational trauma goes from one
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  Speaker 2: generation to the next because people aren't able to heal.
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  Speaker 2: And she came from a home with a parent who
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  Speaker 2: was extremely judgmental and didn't want her and her dad
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  Speaker 2: had wanted a boy and she really lacked a loving childhood.
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  Speaker 2: So when she became a parent herself, she, first of all,
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  Speaker 2: didn't have the tools and experience in knowing how things
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  Speaker 2: were supposed to be. Although she did want to do
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  Speaker 2: things differently. She really did. But she managed to marry
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  Speaker 2: a man who was just as critical and self-centered as
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  Speaker 2: her mother. And it was very difficult for her because
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  Speaker 2: she was dealing with her mental health issues, depression, she
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  Speaker 2: was being abused. She couldn't be the parent that she
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  Speaker 2: wanted to be. And it took me a long time
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  Speaker 2: to realize that. It actually took me writing this book
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  Speaker 2: to really see how she was not able to be
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  Speaker 2: attentive and responsive as a parent because she was dealing
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  Speaker 2: with her own mental health issues and being abused.
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  Speaker 1: Juliana, I've been wanting to have a deep conversation about
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  Speaker 1: this because I think so many people don't recognize that
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  Speaker 1: what their parents experienced affects how they parent you. I
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  Speaker 1: know my mom, I mean, my mom was military, but
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  Speaker 1: some people may or may not know my mom was
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  Speaker 1: married a few times and her first husband was very
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  Speaker 1: much abusive. And I believe that she went to the
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  Speaker 1: military to get away from him. And that was her
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  Speaker 1: way of finding, to me, her voice, finding her strength again.
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  Speaker 1: But when I think about how she parented us, some
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  Speaker 1: of that came through.
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  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 1: And don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful that my
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  Speaker 1: mom kept her foot up my butt to get me
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  Speaker 1: to where I am today. But sometimes it was it
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  Speaker 1: was a little difficult because I wondered, like, could this
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  Speaker 1: be a little softer? Could you respond in this way
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  Speaker 1: and not that way? And I don't think a lot
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  Speaker 1: of people truly understand that, even with my dad. My dad,
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  Speaker 1: from what I know, he went through his own challenges
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  Speaker 1: of never feeling as though he was good enough. So
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  Speaker 1: his way of trying to feel good enough was buying things,
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  Speaker 1: always trying to win all the time to show that
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  Speaker 1: he had it, to fill that void of never being
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  Speaker 1: good enough in the eyes of everybody around him.
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  Speaker 2: Right. And my parents put on that face as well.
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  Speaker 2: My mom came from a family that worshipped wealth. And
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  Speaker 2: their goal in life was to show people, no matter
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  Speaker 2: how much financial difficulty they were in, in a particular minute,
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  Speaker 2: they wanted to show that they were valuable by... showing,
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  Speaker 2: you know, buying things and living an existence that was
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  Speaker 2: really false. Yeah. It's interesting how much of that carried
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  Speaker 2: in to me as a young person, feeling pressure to
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  Speaker 2: get just a little bit bigger diamond in my ring,
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  Speaker 2: you know, even though my husband had to use his
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  Speaker 2: student loan money to pay for it. I'm feeling that
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  Speaker 2: after I was treated terribly by a doctor that I
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  Speaker 2: had to go into doctor. appointments wearing expensive jewelry because
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  Speaker 2: I had to show I am valuable. I am somebody.
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  Speaker 2: And it took me a long time to get past that.
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  Speaker 1: All right, everyone. Sorry about that little technical blip. As
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  Speaker 1: I mentioned before, we kind of had some technical difficulties.
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  Speaker 1: If you want to get a copy of Juliana's book,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Life with Less of Me, you can find it on
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  Speaker 1: all the major platforms. If you forget, who we are
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: and what we're talking about, you can also do an
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: AI search of Juliana and myself. So Juliana, I want
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  Speaker 1: to talk about your book really quick. One of the
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  Speaker 1: things that stood out to me was the title of
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  Speaker 1: your book. The title of your book, Life With Less
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  Speaker 1: Of Me. And I'm curious, Juliana, for our audience, your
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  Speaker 1: title is something so different that I've never heard before.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm curious, what inspired you Those words, life with
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  Speaker 1: less than me. And what do you hope readers will
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  Speaker 1: understand about your journey reading the book?
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  Speaker 2: Well, throughout my life, I have had many issues, physical issues.
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  Speaker 2: I've had infections, a very serious necrotizing infection that put
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  Speaker 2: me in a hospital for two months and it caused
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  Speaker 2: me to lose, almost lose my leg, but instead they
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  Speaker 2: were able to keep my leg. But when I got
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  Speaker 2: out of the hospital, it was the width of a
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  Speaker 2: beer bottle. I mean, it was really cut down because
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  Speaker 2: the flesh eating part of the infection took so much.
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  Speaker 2: And they had to remove so much tissue. It took
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  Speaker 2: me a year to learn to walk again. And in
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  Speaker 2: speaking about grief, I had to grieve not being able
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  Speaker 2: to do a lot of things that I had been
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  Speaker 2: able to do in the future. I mean, even things
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  Speaker 2: like wearing a bathing suit in a normal way. because
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  Speaker 2: my leg is not pretty. And so every time I swim,
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  Speaker 2: I have to put leggings on underneath my swimming suit
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  Speaker 2: or do something to cover my leg because it's a
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  Speaker 2: little shocking to see. And being able to walk without
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  Speaker 2: feeling like this is hard. I grieve that. Now I
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  Speaker 2: don't even think about it, really. I do pay attention
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  Speaker 2: to how I walk and depending on how strong I
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  Speaker 2: am at a particular time, I may limp more than
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  Speaker 2: other times and things like that. But losing the abilities.
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  Speaker 2: I have fought back, though, quite hard. I mean, I
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  Speaker 2: love to cross-country ski. I have to do it on
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  Speaker 2: flat land, but I can do it. And I really
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  Speaker 2: have challenged myself with hiking and doing different things. So
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I had to grieve the loss of ability,
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  Speaker 2: but then I also succeeded in challenging myself and found
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  Speaker 2: ways around some of the things that I lost. But
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  Speaker 2: I also lost part of my breasts from breast cancer
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  Speaker 2: and lost the feeling that I don't have to worry
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  Speaker 2: about cancer coming back because my cancer was very aggressive.
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  Speaker 2: And I have, again, battled back and I don't think
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  Speaker 2: about that all the time anymore. And I have fought
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  Speaker 2: back on everything. And I feel that I'm really good
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  Speaker 2: with how I am right now. But I have lost things.
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  Speaker 2: And then when I was thinking about my mom and
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  Speaker 2: how her life shrunk because she was not allowed to
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  Speaker 2: have her own interests. She had to do what my
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  Speaker 2: dad wanted and be interested in what he wanted because
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  Speaker 2: he would make her life impossible if it wasn't his way.
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  Speaker 2: When my dad died, she emerged and she traveled with
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  Speaker 2: my sister and I. We went down to Florida and
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  Speaker 2: we had... So much fun. But that was so short-lived because,
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  Speaker 2: like me, she had a lot of physical problems. She
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  Speaker 2: had had ovarian cancer. Luckily, it was found very early.
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  Speaker 2: And then she... Finally, she died of gastroesophageal cancer. So she.
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  Speaker 2: Had this opportunity to be who she wanted to be.
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  Speaker 2: And then that was taken from her too quickly. So
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  Speaker 2: I'm really fighting back and saying, I, I lost because
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  Speaker 2: of physical and mental health issues. After my cancer diagnosis,
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  Speaker 2: I lost my life's work and this is, This book
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  Speaker 2: is my opportunity to reclaim that, reclaim my life's work,
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  Speaker 2: to say it is important what happens to children.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, and Julianne, I appreciate that because I
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  Speaker 1: think people don't realize, again, like what we said, that
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  Speaker 1: things from our childhood affect us as adults, the traumas
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  Speaker 1: we've experienced. the people who influenced us, who inflicted that trauma,
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  Speaker 1: both people who we loved and admired, and then learning
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  Speaker 1: to set those boundaries. And I'm curious, Juliana, I don't
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  Speaker 1: think anybody maybe has never asked you this question, but
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  Speaker 1: what did it take for you to incorporate your grief
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  Speaker 1: and begin to find harmony with your body and trust
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  Speaker 1: it again after all of the different surgeries and infections
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  Speaker 1: that you've gone through?
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  Speaker 2: It is difficult. I still have a lot of anxiety
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  Speaker 2: about my health. And My husband hears about it all
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  Speaker 2: the time. Do you think I should get this checked out? Or,
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  Speaker 2: you know, I'm not feeling well. Do you think this
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  Speaker 2: is going to be something serious? However, I've gotten to
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  Speaker 2: the point now where I can really set it aside.
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  Speaker 2: And I've shared my book with my doctor. And I say,
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  Speaker 2: this is why I call you a lot. But I
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  Speaker 2: wish other doctors would understand. I had an issue just
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: recently where I had a procedure scheduled just before another surgery.
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  Speaker 2: And I canceled that procedure because I knew that it
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: would be too much for me to have both procedures
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: within A week's time. It was too much. And that
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: doctor did not understand. It's going to take you a
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: year to reschedule this appointment. You know, that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 2: And really felt that I was being foolish. And I
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  Speaker 2: didn't feel I needed to explain myself. It's hard. It's hard.
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  Speaker 1: Uh, Juliana, well, lots of love your way is, you know,
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  Speaker 1: the cycle of things continue and, you know, but the
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  Speaker 1: beautiful part is that you have taken what you've been
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  Speaker 1: through and you're seeing it from a different lens instead
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  Speaker 1: of the lens of, oh, this is what happened to me.
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  Speaker 1: I can't do anything about it. you've risen with, you know,
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  Speaker 1: setting boundaries and being clear about the direction you want
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  Speaker 1: to go. And even also honoring your mom, the, you know,
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  Speaker 1: the life that she didn't get to have. Juliana, we're
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: going to be wrapping up here soon. And I mentioned,
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  Speaker 1: you know, this has been a beautiful conversation. We may
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  Speaker 1: have to almost do a part two on just the
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  Speaker 1: childhood experiences that shape us and what especially this newer
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  Speaker 1: generation needs to understand about adverse childhood experiences. And I'm curious, Juliana,
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  Speaker 1: for our audience, out of everything that you've been through from,
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  Speaker 1: you know, losing your mom, the childhood that you had
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  Speaker 1: with your dad being the way that he was and
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  Speaker 1: different health scares and things. I'm curious for our audience,
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  Speaker 1: what does it mean to you today to find your groove?
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  Speaker 2: It means being proud of the fact that I've spent
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  Speaker 2: the last six years in therapy to deal with what
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  Speaker 2: I've had, that I am reclaiming my past. I'm reclaiming
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  Speaker 2: my life's goals. which is to make a difference in
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  Speaker 2: children's lives so that children don't experience what I experienced.
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  Speaker 2: And to realize I can love somebody, but I don't
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  Speaker 2: need to be around them.
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  Speaker 1: Exactly. You can. You can, again, set those boundaries. You
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  Speaker 1: get to choose. And that's the beautiful part is once
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  Speaker 1: you find that voice within yourself, Once you recognize your worth,
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  Speaker 1: you say no in honor that no is a complete sentence. Well, everybody,
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  Speaker 1: that was Juliana Burmish that we heard from today on
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: Grew with Portia. And that concludes our conversation. And until
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: next time, everybody, peace and hair grease, everyone.