Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / COVID Interlude - The Humanity Bureau

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COVID Interlude - The Humanity Bureau · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

• 0:00
  Oh god. Oh my god.
• 0:03
  Fuck!
• 0:06
  Fuck!
• 0:13
  So, I mean, we don't have Sean to normally...
• 0:16
  I know, normally he'd be the one.
• 0:18
  ...thrust us into this, but uh...
• 0:19
  He is the thruster.
• 0:20
  Yeah. I could just start out with my favorite quote.
• 0:24
  So last week I was unable to give you guys a quote because I couldn't remember it,
• 0:28
  because I didn't write it down, because I'm not good at things.
• 0:31
  So my favorite quote from Stolen was Nicholas Cage down in the sewer
• 0:37
  when he's like plasma melting stuff, and he's got the rod up there,
• 0:41
  and Amber Heard's like, oh we gotta go, and he's like...
• 0:45
  Wait, wait...
• 0:46
  Malin Ackerman?
• 0:47
  Yeah, whoever. That chick that was down there with him.
• 0:51
  They're all the same now.
• 0:53
  She's like, we gotta go, we gotta go, and he's like,
• 0:55
  I just, I wanna see if I can get more gold out of it.
• 0:59
  And that was my favorite.
• 1:01
  Because for some reason he really had to emphasize the gold.
• 1:05
  Yeah, right.
• 1:06
  Oh man, that movie was something.
• 1:08
  Yeah, so, hi everybody.
• 1:11
  This is Producer Peter, and you have tuned into a weird episode of Cage Match because...
• 1:17
  A very special episode.
• 1:19
  A very special episode.
• 1:21
  Sean got COVID, then our...
• 1:23
  Like a chump.
• 1:24
  Proposed guest Eric also got COVID. Maybe from Sean.
• 1:28
  Yeah, it's very suspect.
• 1:30
  So then Nick and I decided that we were going to pivot and do a special episode
• 1:36
  where we were going to do one of our proposed Patreon episodes.
• 1:40
  And we started watching, or I started watching Outcast, which stars Hayden Christensen,
• 1:46
  and apparently, and this is the most important part, kind of stars Nick Cage.
• 1:51
  Yeah, he gets billing on it.
• 1:53
  So we then pivoted again, and we moved to the Humanity Bureau, which...
• 1:58
  Stars Nicolas Cage.
• 1:59
  It does.
• 2:00
  In earnest.
• 2:01
  And you can safely say it stars him.
• 2:03
  This is one that, do you remember our episode zero where we talked about all the possibles?
• 2:08
  Yeah, a little bit, and I remember coming up on this and the trailer looked so bad.
• 2:13
  All the CG, like the green screening on it, is just awesome.
• 2:17
  Yeah.
• 2:18
  It looks like he's performing in front of like just a widescreen TV at some points.
• 2:23
  Yeah, like the trailer, I thought maybe this was going to be kind of fun,
• 2:27
  like weird future tech, stupid romp that didn't take itself too seriously.
• 2:32
  It definitely took itself pretty seriously.
• 2:34
  Yeah.
• 2:35
  And it definitely wasn't much of a romp.
• 2:37
  No.
• 2:38
  But it was future.
• 2:40
  If I hadn't watched that trailer, I don't think I would have gotten past the first scene in this movie.
• 2:44
  Oh, yeah, with him driving in that...
• 2:46
  OK, he drives an El Camino and he's a like it's his government car in 2030.
• 2:54
  It's pretty awesome.
• 2:55
  The green screen outside of the window just looks...
• 2:58
  And the like random drone that just shows up and like buzzes his car and talks to him.
• 3:03
  That's so weird.
• 3:04
  I loved when he was driving along and it's just like approaching, approaching, approaching, arrived.
• 3:12
  You are now leaving the new...
• 3:14
  New America.
• 3:16
  Why does it have to say approaching, approaching?
• 3:19
  Hey, man, you're about to leave America.
• 3:21
  You left America.
• 3:23
  Yeah, it's stupid.
• 3:24
  I'm not going to try and get too caught up on the dumb shit in this movie.
• 3:27
  So things got shitty in the world.
• 3:31
  Should we just read the intro cards?
• 3:34
  Yeah, why don't you do it in your reader voice?
• 3:36
  Oh, good.
• 3:37
  After economic catastrophe and climate change came famine, the Great Migration and the Civil War.
• 3:44
  Society collapsed.
• 3:46
  Manufacturing and industrial production of food and goods ceased.
• 3:50
  America built walls around itself and its cities.
• 3:53
  The government gave sweeping powers to a single agency whose task was to assess and separate those citizens who were deemed a burden on the system.
• 4:01
  The agency was known as the Humanity Bureau.
• 4:05
  Yeah, why can't all of our movies start like this?
• 4:08
  Because it would make it so much easier to do these introductions if the movies just wrote it out for us.
• 4:15
  Yeah, that would kind of rule, actually.
• 4:16
  We wouldn't have to try so hard.
• 4:18
  Yeah, I'm trying real hard these days.
• 4:20
  I'm putting in maximum effort.
• 4:22
  So, yeah, everything gets bad.
• 4:26
  Most of America is just kind of a wasteland.
• 4:29
  Everybody's expected to be a productive member of society.
• 4:32
  It's actually illegal to be non-productive members of society.
• 4:37
  And so that's what the Humanity Bureau does.
• 4:40
  They go around and they find pieces of shit and then they tell them that they have to leave America and they have to go to New Eden,
• 4:47
  which is like some idealized kind of like place to send people.
• 4:52
  It's like, why do you send the shitty people there?
• 4:54
  Send the people who have been good to society to this place where there is abundant food.
• 5:01
  They don't have to boil and filter their water all the time.
• 5:04
  They have a pamphlet. It looks compelling.
• 5:06
  Well, I mean, you've got a pamphlet, so that's pretty good.
• 5:09
  The movie starts off with him just going out and talking to this guy.
• 5:13
  The guy's like, he's old, and he's like, I'm not going to go.
• 5:17
  And Nick's like, you got to.
• 5:19
  And he's like, I'm going to my room for a second.
• 5:21
  So he goes to his room.
• 5:22
  And this is where we get to see like the beginning of the political hammering of this movie.
• 5:28
  Oh, yeah, because he's got like this old guy's got like a 2016 Make America Great Again poster on his door.
• 5:35
  Like he's 16 or something with Donald Trump. Yeah.
• 5:38
  Yeah. Because he used to be a Colorado governor.
• 5:41
  He dined at the White House.
• 5:43
  I don't think it really needed any of that, but I guess they wanted to root it in our timeline.
• 5:49
  It's probably important to note, too, that this is a Canadian production company.
• 5:53
  I didn't even realize that. That makes sense in the end.
• 5:56
  Yeah, for sure. This movie is full of twists and turns.
• 5:59
  So old dude comes back with a shotgun and he's like blasted all over the place.
• 6:04
  And then the owner of the motel comes in and he's like, what the fuck?
• 6:09
  And he's blasted all over the place.
• 6:11
  And then Nick Cage pops up from behind a couch and he he just puts to like right in this old dude, one right between the guys.
• 6:18
  Everybody gets shot right between the eyes in this movie. Really accurate.
• 6:22
  He had shots just everyone center of mass brain.
• 6:26
  I like it. You mentioned the like hotel manager, whoever the fuck it was.
• 6:30
  I don't even really understand what this is, but I love that scene.
• 6:33
  He's such a shit to Nick Cage when he shows up because I guess nobody likes the Humanity Bureau.
• 6:37
  But then he like tries to sell him water.
• 6:39
  And one of the things that he notes about it is that there's no detectable liquid waste in it.
• 6:45
  Yeah. Like, what a fucking selling point.
• 6:49
  I mean, that's pretty sure there's no shit in here all the times.
• 6:52
  Like they talk about like people drinking piss.
• 6:55
  Like it comes up twice. Yeah.
• 6:57
  Like right in the beginning. And I'm like, oh, man, even kids are drinking piss these days.
• 7:01
  It's like, that's wild. They'll be eating ass and drinking piss into the end of times.
• 7:05
  But the future sounds awesome. Yeah.
• 7:07
  So when they mentioned that twice, when we get to the scene later on where the kid drops like or sets down a glass of lemonade, I'm like, are they serving him piss?
• 7:17
  It's not. I don't think they explicitly say that it's like lemonade until later on.
• 7:23
  Yeah. So I also had started outcast and I got like 20 minutes into it and nobody was drinking piss where they know what someone gets pissed on in it.
• 7:32
  So I was like, what am I doing with this movie?
• 7:36
  That's awesome. Yeah.
• 7:40
  Continuing on, I guess.
• 7:41
  Then like immediately we're on to his next case. He's scoping out this house that has this lady and a kid and he goes to deport them.
• 7:52
  But then like some sob story seems to sway him and like because the kids got a recital and I love the fucking recital.
• 8:00
  Oh, the recital is good.
• 8:01
  So he's like or the mom's like, oh, he's got a recital tomorrow. We can't go to New Eden.
• 8:07
  Like they'll miss it. So Nick Cage delays filing his report for 24 hours.
• 8:13
  And that's where we meet his buddy, Adam, who also works for the bureau.
• 8:18
  He's kind of like, you know, joking around, but also kind of a hard ass.
• 8:22
  He seems like kind of a piece of shit, but like they have some jocularity.
• 8:26
  So you're like, maybe he's fine. Yeah.
• 8:29
  Maybe he's not the main antagonist for this movie. He is.
• 8:33
  It's like four people in this entire movie. So most of them got shot in the motel room.
• 8:38
  First thing. So Nicholas Cage delays the thing.
• 8:42
  The kid gets to have his recital. Nick Cage shows up at the recital for some fucking reason and just wanders in and like stands there and watches.
• 8:51
  But this recital is so fucking ridiculous because they couldn't afford to like get real music or anything.
• 8:58
  There's like seven kids with a giant projection of the American flag across them and they're just singing Amazing Grace.
• 9:06
  And then kid gets his chance to like do a standout solo piece and he just steps forward and merely recites the Pledge of Allegiance with a weird pause too.
• 9:18
  Like right in the middle, like he pauses for effect and looks around and he notices Nick Cage out there and it's like a little nodding of approval from both.
• 9:27
  Then he goes into the part about like God and justice and stuff. I don't know.
• 9:32
  And well, they had a rapport at that point because not only had the kid falling off the roof and Nick Cage like thwacks him on the back and he's better.
• 9:41
  Yeah. But that was also the worst CPR I've ever seen. Right.
• 9:45
  Like the kid. OK. So the kids outside playing while Nick Cage is interviewing the mom and the kid like finds a bird that fell out of a nest.
• 9:53
  So he goes to put it back in the nest, but the nest is on the chimney. So he has to get on the roof and instead of walking all the way up the roof to like be on level with it, he tries to like tiptoe his way up and then just falls off like an idiot.
• 10:08
  So he crashes through like a part of a ceiling and then he's laying on the ground and Nick Cage runs up and he's doing like irregular chest compressions.
• 10:17
  Like sometimes there's like four, then there's one and he's not breathing into his mouth. He's just checking to see if he's breathing.
• 10:25
  So it's like I'm going to pump your heart and hope that just magically what's air in your lungs.
• 10:30
  And then that doesn't work shockingly. So he like lifts him up and just like gives him a big old bro swat on the back and kids like, oh, OK, I'm OK.
• 10:40
  The whole time the mom is just sitting there like, oh, spreading away. God, this is fucking terrible.
• 10:46
  But before that, you both deserve to go to New Eden. Yeah, exactly. You are a burden on the system.
• 10:51
  Yeah. But before that, Nick Cage shows up and the kids like, do you have a gun?
• 10:55
  And he's like, yeah, here you go. His hands have a Beretta. Yeah.
• 11:00
  Yeah, just whips it out. I mean, he did take the magazine out and made sure there wasn't anything in the chamber.
• 11:06
  But still, like kids, 11 years old, do you have a gun? Yep. Here it is.
• 11:11
  Have at it, champ. Next, you'll be telling them about all the old men you shoot in motel rooms.
• 11:16
  So the mom is an actress named Sarah Lynn Lind, and she's pretty bad, I think, as far as acting goes.
• 11:25
  It was fine. No one no one was good in this movie. It was a fairly forgettable performance.
• 11:31
  But what I got excited about, because I was trying to deep dive into literally anything with this movie.
• 11:37
  And I paused the movie. It's not a very deep movie. And I started bouncing around.
• 11:41
  I got into a rabbit hole. But she was in a movie called Wolf Cop. Oh, I've seen Wolf. You've seen Wolf.
• 11:47
  I can't have seen Wolf Cop. Yeah, that's awesome. It looks great. I just watched the trailer.
• 11:51
  Oh, definitely. Watch it. It's right up there. I think it's better than Velocipastor.
• 11:57
  OK, so that's good. Give me a benchmark. Yeah. Have you seen Wolf Cop 2? No.
• 12:04
  OK, we might need to watch Wolf Cop and Wolf Cop 2. And I'm assuming there's a Wolf Cop 3 and probably four.
• 12:10
  Probably. And I bet none of the original cast is any of the movies.
• 12:14
  I love that the main character that is Lou Garou, like that's so hamfisted, but it's great.
• 12:23
  Yeah, kind of in a similar vein. The newer Ninja Turtles animated series, Rise of Ninja Turtles,
• 12:30
  Splinter is like hiding in America before he becomes a rat. This is a weird sidebar.
• 12:37
  But he is like a stunt performer or something. I don't know. I haven't watched it. But his name is Lou Jitsu.
• 12:45
  This was a whole lot just for that. Yeah, no, that's a long walk for a short drink of water, but I liked it.
• 12:52
  All right. So anyway, like they've gone to this recital, which sucked shit. Oh, it was terrible.
• 12:59
  Especially the kid. I can't believe they commuted his sentence for 24 hours for that shit.
• 13:03
  For that. Yeah, of all things. I thought he was going to like play piano or something, but no.
• 13:07
  I thought he would at least like squeakily sing out like, I don't know, the wheels on the bus or something.
• 13:13
  Yeah, nice solo. Not that the kids would know what buses are. Apparently, vehicles haven't been made for 30 years.
• 13:19
  Just keep those El Caminos running. Yeah, it did make sense looking back at like when all the Humanity Bureau cars were leaving
• 13:27
  and it's just like the most hodgepodge. Oh, yeah. Like I think one person was driving a garbage truck.
• 13:34
  That's not ominous at all. Let me just pick you up for your deportation in this garbage truck.
• 13:39
  Don't worry. Just jumping back. You're going to a good place. We promise.
• 13:43
  That's new eating. You'll never have to worry about anything. Read the pamphlet. Yeah.
• 13:47
  Just going to start saying things now because I don't really remember where anything happens in this movie.
• 13:52
  I've watched it twice and I'm still not twice. Oh, yeah. Twice in 24 hours, baby.
• 13:58
  I'm committed to this. Yeah. So like, I don't know. It's all weird.
• 14:03
  Like you see a bunch of things going on back at the Humanity Bureau, like Hugh Dillon, who plays Adam West, Westinghouse.
• 14:10
  Westinghouse. What a great name. That's his buddy and his partner back there.
• 14:15
  Doing some kind of like investigation into Nick Cage for some reason, being like, you got to check him out. Why hasn't he turned in that report?
• 14:23
  He's up for a promotion. That's why. Blah, blah, blah. And it's like none of this makes any sense.
• 14:28
  And even like the guy that's there. Oh, he has a cool name. Yeah.
• 14:33
  This cell is the cell is which is cellless. The cell is Shannon. Yeah, that's a pretty good name.
• 14:38
  Agent Porter. He was probably my favorite side character in this movie because every moment he's on screen, there's just something like in this.
• 14:46
  Like it's standard procedure to investigate him when he's up for a promotion.
• 14:51
  And the cells is just like standard procedure since when?
• 14:56
  And it's like, oh, you're going to get slapped, buddy. So I liked him the next time he shows up.
• 15:01
  So Adam Wessinghouse comes to like get the people because he's like Nick Cage is up to something and he gets shot in the eye with a BB gun by the shitty kid.
• 15:10
  And they escape, you know, in the best way possible.
• 15:14
  So he got shot in the eye. Adam and Nick Cage are like fighting inside. The fight scenes were so bad. They were like super shaky.
• 15:23
  The camera was way too close. Like, obviously, Nick Cage is just not a young gentleman anymore.
• 15:29
  He can't do these fight scenes as well. So next, Vasellas and them show up and they're like going to go inside.
• 15:37
  And then the El Camino rips away just kind of in the distance.
• 15:41
  So you don't see like anything about the end of the fight or anything like that.
• 15:44
  But instead of like chasing them, they just kind of stand there with their fists on their on their hips, just going like, well, shocks.
• 15:51
  That sure looks like his branded Humanities Bureau vehicle escaping.
• 15:56
  It might be a different one. I don't know. It looks like there's three heads in there.
• 16:00
  I don't know. But they don't do anything.
• 16:02
  They like nobody runs inside to see if there's anybody there.
• 16:06
  Nobody chases after him. So Vasellas eventually goes inside.
• 16:12
  This is maybe my favorite scene in the entire movie.
• 16:16
  There's good details in this, too, because Adam's chain like handcuffed to the radiator hot.
• 16:22
  And he's yelling at Vasellas to get the key out of the cookie jar.
• 16:27
  And so he goes up to the cookie jar and opens it and there's nothing in there.
• 16:32
  And Adam's like, I said the cookie jar, the bear with the hat.
• 16:36
  Don't you listen? And there's just two cookie jars next to each other.
• 16:40
  So we just picked up the wrong one and he's getting screamed at.
• 16:43
  But my favorite detail in this is his eye.
• 16:48
  Yes, he's just got a piece of bread taped over his eye.
• 16:52
  So there's just bread taped to his face to soak up the blood.
• 16:55
  He got shot and then handcuffed to a radiator.
• 16:57
  But it was in reach of bread and electrical tape.
• 17:02
  Unless they did it for him.
• 17:04
  I like to think that Nicolas Cage did it for him.
• 17:06
  Knocked him out, handcuffed him, showed him where you put the key and then applied first bread,
• 17:13
  which is probably the best first aid we've seen in this movie so far.
• 17:16
  Technically it is. Yeah. So yeah, they they run off. They escape.
• 17:20
  This is where it gets a little ambiguous.
• 17:22
  Somewhere in the mix, Nick Cage has like met his insider guy who gives him a like USB drive that has information revealing what New Eden really is.
• 17:33
  What the fuck is up with this?
• 17:35
  Because they never show anybody like like how who contacted who or anything.
• 17:41
  He just shows up at a greenhouse storage unit or something.
• 17:44
  Well, he walks into like a building that's like obviously under construction.
• 17:48
  It's like exposed metal studs and things like that.
• 17:51
  And then gets in an elevator and there's some dude in there and he's like going up.
• 17:55
  Hey, we're going to tell you the truth about it all.
• 17:59
  Oh, OK. So they do all the like talking to him.
• 18:02
  And then he goes to the greenhouse because in the greenhouse there's an envelope and that's where the little like Scani Drive thing was.
• 18:10
  And on the Scani Drive, there's something because all we see is his back and he just sits there and goes, what have we done?
• 18:18
  Yeah. But then like the next scene pretty much is Westinghouse now with his like slick ass eye patch being talked to by the like upper management.
• 18:28
  And they're pissed that Cage got away and they're like sitting with this palette of boxes.
• 18:34
  And at the end, they just open it up and it's like dust, but they're like, oh, is this a child's tooth?
• 18:40
  What was with the audio in this scene where it was just like super fucking weirdly echoey and like it was just bad.
• 18:48
  This movie was made for six million bucks.
• 18:50
  And it's no surprise that it made sixty thousand.
• 18:52
  Sixty thousand. Yeah, that's almost that's a hot take home.
• 18:57
  They reveal that New Eden is a death camp gas and burn everybody.
• 19:03
  Yeah, I kind of really wanted it to be more of a like the world's fucked up.
• 19:07
  Why didn't they turn people into food?
• 19:09
  Like, why is this not a Soylent Green thing?
• 19:11
  The Soylent Green or like there's so many more interesting ways they could have handled New Eden.
• 19:16
  Anything they could have literally been plugging them in and using bioelectricity to power a city.
• 19:23
  Right. That just came to me. That would have been more interesting.
• 19:25
  That's way more interesting. It's probably already a movie, but that's this is the thing with this movie is I feel like every opportunity
• 19:32
  they had to do something that was like fun or interesting or like sci fi out of the box.
• 19:37
  They just fucking don't. Yeah. Nothing.
• 19:40
  The most high tech thing is his cell phone, which is pretty cool.
• 19:44
  It's a pretty cool cell phone. Yeah. But that's it.
• 19:47
  Well, his car is pretty cool because when he punctured the gas tank, it was like gas tank punctured, gas tank punctured.
• 19:54
  And he's like, well, switch to reserves.
• 19:56
  And it's like reserve tank empty. So then he's like, well, transfer the fucking fuel from the main tank to this car.
• 20:03
  Yeah. And then apparently it does that.
• 20:06
  So that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Actually, that's that's good future tech.
• 20:09
  Now, I've never had a gas tank puncture. Have you ever had a car that had a double gas tank?
• 20:14
  Yeah, I used to drive a 74 F-150 back in the back in the days. There you go.
• 20:19
  My country days. I did have a car that had a rust hole at the top, the gas tank, though, so I couldn't ever fill my car up.
• 20:28
  I would just kind of get down to like a quarter tank and then put like 20 bucks in it because I knew that that wouldn't overflow it
• 20:35
  because there were numerous times where I'd fill up my car and it would like just pour out the bottom.
• 20:40
  And I'd be like, well, good thing it's three in the morning.
• 20:43
  Nobody's going to watch me drive away leaking gas down fucking Rainier Avenue.
• 20:49
  They escape. Yeah.
• 20:50
  Northerly. They go north. They get some assistance. To go to Canada.
• 20:55
  Yeah, because it's always about Canada.
• 20:58
  There's a lake up there that he remembers from his childhood, but everybody's like, everything's burnt up. It's all irradiated.
• 21:05
  There's no more lakes. There's no fish in the ocean.
• 21:08
  So they get some help from a farmer lady who trades them cars.
• 21:13
  She kind of says, go talk to this dude. He can help you.
• 21:16
  They talk to this dude and he's got the worst German accent. So bad.
• 21:21
  But his name was what was it like Adolf Schroeder? Yeah, Schroeder, because he because when he was a kid, he came to America.
• 21:30
  Then like his parents died when like the famines and stuff.
• 21:33
  I don't know. But for some reason, he still clung to this German accent. I don't know.
• 21:39
  I think he puts it on, but he can't afford proper like vocal coaching because like Schwarzenegger maintained vocal coaching to keep his accent.
• 21:48
  Oh, interesting. Because you're in a country for so long.
• 21:51
  You just lose sort of adapt. Right. I bet this guy couldn't afford it.
• 21:55
  Or there was there were no vocal coaches that wasn't appropriately contributing to society and the humanity.
• 22:00
  They got burned up. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.
• 22:03
  I mean, one of his lines is I am German. Yeah. OK, thanks, Adolf. Yeah, we got it.
• 22:11
  He and his, I don't know, it's cohort. I don't know.
• 22:14
  I don't know what they are. The two children who have fashioned themselves as Native Americans
• 22:20
  and are referred to as Indian Braves later by the kid.
• 22:25
  Then the mom's like, they're not Indians. He gives them some like directions on how to get up to Canada,
• 22:32
  like the only way to cross and then gives them like some iodine tablets and a Geiger counter.
• 22:38
  And he's like, go on, have fun. At one point, they do hit like some really heavy radiation.
• 22:45
  But there's I guess just to show the Geiger counter working or something.
• 22:49
  Yeah, it must have just been for that because there's no repercussions for it in the car.
• 22:55
  Like the kids just like, is my hair going to fall out? Blah, blah, blah.
• 22:58
  But then he like gets a nosebleed. He's like, I have a nosebleed.
• 23:01
  And it's like, OK, radiation. And then the kids just like, I get nosebleeds sometimes.
• 23:05
  What the fuck? Why couldn't that just be an effect of the radiation?
• 23:10
  Show us like some kind of peril. Yeah, that's exactly right.
• 23:14
  Like there isn't any peril, even when there are people shooting at them.
• 23:17
  It has no stakes. Oh, OK. So shooting the first fight with Adam back at the farmhouse
• 23:24
  when the mom has this gun, she like shoots and it's just like this rainbow arc of automatic fire.
• 23:32
  But then 24 hours later, they're in this abandoned gas station or warehouse or something.
• 23:41
  And there's these dudes that are coming at Nick Cage or whatever.
• 23:45
  And they're shooting at him and like she shows up and then she just straight malls them.
• 23:51
  Like fucking mows them down with this automatic rifle.
• 23:55
  She goes like three or four of them. Yeah, three of them. Yeah. Right away.
• 23:58
  No, like no misses, I'm sure. I'm sure they were all headshots. Exactly.
• 24:03
  30 rounds, empty to clip all headshots across three dudes in this scene.
• 24:08
  They were there like the car was overheating.
• 24:11
  So the kid goes to like, oh, no, he goes to take a crap.
• 24:15
  Nick Cage is working on the car and he's like, oh, where's the kid?
• 24:18
  And she's like, he's taking a dump.
• 24:20
  He's like, why don't you go in? And she's like, because he's taking a dump.
• 24:23
  Yeah, he's 11. Yeah. So Nick goes back there and like Adam just is mysteriously there.
• 24:28
  He's just always there.
• 24:31
  Like how did he get into the bathroom?
• 24:33
  Because he like scares the kid by rolling toilet paper underneath the stall.
• 24:37
  And I don't know, he just kind of wiggles a couple of fingers.
• 24:41
  Is anybody home? You tap your feet three times.
• 24:45
  Yeah, like Adams just always there.
• 24:48
  How did he know they were going to have car problems and stop at this place?
• 24:53
  How because they're not in the bureau car anymore.
• 24:56
  They're in the station wagon. So I don't fucking know.
• 24:59
  Adam has captured the kid. Oh, yeah.
• 25:02
  Oh, and Nick Cage and Rachel, the mom drive off and they're like, we're going to get him at the back door.
• 25:07
  We have a safety plan or whatever. I don't know.
• 25:10
  But the kid like immediately is talking shit to Adam.
• 25:15
  And then once you've shot a guy's eyes, it doesn't matter how old you are.
• 25:19
  You get to fucking. Yeah. Oh, man.
• 25:22
  So then he like lifts Adams fake eyeball out of his pocket and then makes fun of him.
• 25:27
  Why was it there? I don't know.
• 25:29
  Like, you've got a perfectly good eye hole.
• 25:32
  Just take that patch off. Yeah.
• 25:35
  And then it gets like knocked out of his hand and it goes down into a gutter area and the kids like, I'll get it.
• 25:42
  Just jumps in there and leaves. And Adams just like, OK, I hope that kid comes back with my eyeball.
• 25:49
  Yeah. And then he just somehow manages to get outside right as like Nick and Rachel are driving around and almost almost pancake him.
• 25:58
  Yeah. So then they escape.
• 26:01
  But they go up to Canada, see the cooling towers, they check the Geiger counter and it's like, oh, there's only two milligrams or whatever.
• 26:11
  Microrems. I don't know. Yeah. Two radiations here.
• 26:15
  And they're like, well, it must be wrong. So they check the batteries and it's like, oh, no, there's just no radiation.
• 26:22
  And then we get the super great line of it's easier to build fear than build a wall or something like that.
• 26:29
  It's like, Jesus. Then they like they're driving and then the car breaks down again.
• 26:34
  They like get up to the like border crossing kind of place.
• 26:38
  Humanity Bureau agents chasing them and they're like trying to the kids like, hey, help us.
• 26:43
  And it's like, yeah, because they man the border crossing in this area that's supposed to be completely devoid of anything.
• 26:51
  Yeah. Even though there's fucking trees everywhere, Adam confronts them because he just shows up out of nowhere again, I'm assuming.
• 26:58
  He probably has like wings of an angel.
• 27:01
  So he just swoops down where he's needed the most to shoot people.
• 27:06
  Yeah. He's got them like lined up and it's like, give me the fucking Scani do that USB drive.
• 27:13
  Yeah. Of the future. Yeah. Future USB, USB D.
• 27:17
  And look for it this Christmas.
• 27:21
  He's like, give me that thing or I'll fucking kill you.
• 27:24
  And Nick's like, no. And then he's like, I've only got one ticket back anyways.
• 27:29
  So he shoots the mom boom out of nowhere.
• 27:32
  She's just done with this movie. Dead. Headshot. Square in the floor.
• 27:36
  Right between the eyes. Fucking headshot.
• 27:39
  And she's out. It's like, OK, well, that's fine.
• 27:41
  So now it's just Nick and this kid and Nick is just like, let him go. Let the kid go and I'll give it to you.
• 27:47
  And so Adam's like, I'm feeling pretty generous. So I'll let him go.
• 27:52
  So the kid runs off into the woods, just into the woods. Right. And good luck in Canada.
• 27:58
  Nick gives him the thing and like Adam's partner goes to like scan it.
• 28:03
  It's empty. And so now Adam's pissed. So he just turns around and shoots Nick. No interrogation. No like trying to figure out what's going on.
• 28:12
  Maybe you could give me that information that's on there. You really hosed me here.
• 28:16
  I'm just going to shoot you. So he shoots him. And then the fucking kid rolls back around and starts throwing rocks at Adam.
• 28:23
  He's such a little fucking shit and dumbass. He is so dumb.
• 28:27
  So he's about to get shot in the head.
• 28:30
  And then cavalry comes out and like some Native American sniper just starts shooting everybody. Is it Native? Well, yeah.
• 28:38
  Well, yeah. Indigenous person. Indigenous person. I don't know what they call them in Canada.
• 28:42
  I think it's indigenous people. First nation. Who knows? I'll just say all my woke words today.
• 28:47
  Drop it in the comments. A bunch of sex workers start shooting guns.
• 28:52
  I know I got really excited because I was like, oh fuck, is it the Mounties?
• 28:55
  Nope. It's just somebody we've never seen before. Shoots everybody except for Agent Porter.
• 29:03
  Agent Porter just kind of goes, nope, throws his gun down and like runs away.
• 29:07
  And it's like, yeah, you go, dude. You're the best character in this movie.
• 29:11
  Then the kid is just next scene with these two indigenous people, first nation sex workers.
• 29:19
  And they're like, oh, so the thingy was empty. And the kids like, oh, sure.
• 29:25
  And the guy's like, well, did he give you anything? And the kids like, well, he gave me this rabbit's foot.
• 29:30
  And the Indian guy pulls it out and it's like, oh, it's got the thing. And they play it.
• 29:35
  And next thing you know, it's like all of this damning information.
• 29:39
  But it's like immediately a worldwide broadcast, but it's only Nicolas Cage talking.
• 29:45
  You're just having to take his word for it. This guy you've never heard of.
• 29:49
  New Eden is a death camp. It's a gas chamber crematorium. OK, sure.
• 29:56
  Oh, let's not forget that at one point they just decide that the kid is Nicolas Cage's kid.
• 30:02
  Oh, that's right. Yeah.
• 30:04
  Just well, you know, in case we needed another plot point.
• 30:07
  Yeah, this kid was once Nick Cage. Well, I mean, it came from Nick Slowing.
• 30:12
  And the mom was never actually the mom. It was the the real mom's neighbor.
• 30:18
  And the real mom was going to sell the baby.
• 30:21
  And she was like, you know, people were eating people back then.
• 30:24
  Yeah, it was during the famines. So I didn't feel right about it.
• 30:28
  And we got in an argument and I killed her. Those babies are tender.
• 30:31
  I killed the mother of your child.
• 30:33
  But then once you have that information and you go back and you watch this movie a second time, it's like,
• 30:38
  did they just decide that, like on the day because none of these other scenes like he never acknowledges that this woman,
• 30:45
  because he's got a photo of the actual Rachel Weller.
• 30:49
  At most, he makes like a little like interesting kind of face.
• 30:53
  They never say a fucking word about it. Yeah.
• 30:56
  It feels like one of those things where like scenes were shot independently,
• 31:00
  like nobody involved in the previous scene helped to write or direct or shoot the next scene.
• 31:06
  It was weird. Yeah. Nobody attached to this movie really had anything impressive that I saw.
• 31:13
  I mean, aside from Nick Cage, you know, I kind of enjoyed Adam.
• 31:16
  He did have almost like a character arc.
• 31:19
  Even at one point, he's just like, we're on the wrong side of history, Porter.
• 31:23
  Yeah. It's like, OK, they at least tried to do something.
• 31:27
  But even after acknowledging that they just go out and try to cover up all the information.
• 31:33
  It's like we're on the wrong side of history, but so are the Nazis and we saw what happened to them.
• 31:37
  So I guess we just carry on.
• 31:40
  There's no like redemption at all in this movie.
• 31:43
  Like the only one who gets any sort of good come up is the kid.
• 31:47
  And he sucked. We don't even know like if it's good for him in Canada.
• 31:51
  Good point. Well, I got to go swimming right before the credits roll.
• 31:55
  Yeah, that is the movie. And it was awesome.
• 32:00
  Yeah. How many radiations do you give it?
• 32:03
  I give it a perfect seven out of five. Good. That's that says a lot.
• 32:07
  Yeah. I mean, if anyone actually wants to watch this movie, I watched it on Tubi with ads.
• 32:13
  It's on Peacock also. OK. I don't know.
• 32:16
  Did you have a quote from it that you liked? No.
• 32:19
  The only one that I even made a note of and I was like, I think this is probably going to be the best one.
• 32:23
  He is in the elevator with the guy who gives him the new Eden documentation or whatever.
• 32:29
  And he just goes, what is the truth?
• 32:35
  It's like this was such a stoic, boring performance from Nick Cage.
• 32:39
  The whole movie was just kind of bizarre. If you're really bored, it's worth watching.
• 32:44
  That's you're more generous about it than I am. Experience this.
• 32:49
  I don't think you're going to like it. It's just so mediocre.
• 32:53
  It's not bad enough to be enjoyable. It's not good enough to be enjoyable.
• 32:57
  I don't know. I mean, like, what would you do to change this movie to make it not such shit?
• 33:01
  Changing the stakes would really kind of help a lot.
• 33:05
  Changing the whole new Eden thing, maybe making Adam Westinghouse's revelations about it parallel cages.
• 33:15
  So he finds out about it because it's kind of alluded to that he knew.
• 33:19
  Yeah. Well, it wasn't all that surprised by the box of bones that were all cremated.
• 33:23
  Maybe make him kind of discover this as well, sort of give us a character moment for that guy.
• 33:31
  I think for me, if this had any budget and they could have made the future tech stuff more interesting, I think that could have been cool.
• 33:38
  If you could imagine, you know, sort of Minority Report visuals paired with this, I think it could be a little more interesting.
• 33:45
  I think if they could have gone the other way with the tech, sort of everything's fucked like cars.
• 33:51
  They don't make cars anymore. Right.
• 33:53
  So why do we have super fucking fancy cell phones that project things up for us and whatnot?
• 33:59
  Yeah. Maybe focus on getting cars again. Yeah.
• 34:02
  Or so like make everything like almost homemade tech, cyberpunk, red, slapdash sort of technology.
• 34:11
  I feel like that could have helped it.
• 34:12
  They would have at least given more flavor to the the environment.
• 34:17
  Because really, it just looks like they filmed everything in Wyoming or something and that's it.
• 34:21
  Like nothing is beautiful or interesting or no.
• 34:26
  But that really kind of I think that helps with their low budget and being able to be like everything's fucked.
• 34:34
  Everything's brown and like irradiated and dead.
• 34:37
  But you can do you can do brown and irradiated and dead. Cool.
• 34:40
  Like Mad Max Fury Road is a fucking wasteland and it's beautiful and interesting. Yes.
• 34:47
  So but they also had budget and a great director. Yeah.
• 34:52
  Yeah, I guess that helps.
• 34:54
  I would give it a better story.
• 34:56
  That's what I would do to make this a better movie. I would make it a better story.
• 35:00
  That's thinking out of the box, man. I like that.
• 35:03
  You know, that's what I'm here for.
• 35:05
  It weirds me out the way they flip back and forth between like bureaucratic government officials and detectives.
• 35:14
  It's like, what are you? Yeah, absolutely.
• 35:16
  Why are you solving this mystery?
• 35:19
  Also, why are you so good at shooting people in the head?
• 35:22
  Everybody. It's all they train for. Exactly.
• 35:25
  Just right between the eyes. That's it.
• 35:27
  NFL receivers train for one handed catches.
• 35:30
  This guy, everybody in the world now.
• 35:33
  Aim for the head. Just really good at that.
• 35:35
  Maybe there's a background story we're not hearing about zombies like irradiated zombies.
• 35:41
  That's why they're so good at shooting for the head. Go for the dome.
• 35:44
  Because they don't they don't have a lot of bullets left in the world because there's no cars.
• 35:48
  This is a non sequitur. Well, it's not. I mean, it is a sequitur.
• 35:53
  Have you ever heard of Leslie and the Lies? No.
• 35:56
  She was kind of a weird video music subculture icon for a little bit.
• 36:03
  And she was in like a couple of Internet things.
• 36:05
  Do you remember the Save the Internet's video with like the Peter Pan guy and the Tron guy?
• 36:11
  Yeah, she was in that. Oh, OK.
• 36:14
  But anyway, there's a song that I saw once when I was staying at some hotel and I had turned on the TV at like one in the morning.
• 36:20
  And it was just like weird music videos.
• 36:22
  And there was this black and white video about the zombie apocalypse and it's her singing about you have to shoot all of them in the head.
• 36:29
  It's kind of a banger. Yeah. Leslie and the Lies.
• 36:32
  I bet if I look it up, if it's Internet related, I'll see it and be like, oh, OK.
• 36:37
  That's this lady. She's like in a sparkly onesie always and has super like big granny glasses.
• 36:43
  OK, that's our recommendation for this week.
• 36:46
  Don't watch this movie. Watch Leslie and the Lies. Shoot zombies in the head.
• 36:50
  Yeah. And I mean, if you've got an hour and a half, go ahead and watch this movie.
• 36:54
  Yeah. But you can watch Leslie and the Lies on your phone while you watch this movie.
• 36:59
  You can. Just repeat. You don't have to pay too much attention because the writers certainly didn't.
• 37:04
  I think the only other thing is we want to call out our new patron, Matt. Thank you for joining on.
• 37:10
  We really appreciate it. And thanks to our other patrons, Josh, Sean, Josie and Rico.
• 37:15
  If anybody wants to, it would be great if you could like, subscribe and support us if you can tell your friends.
• 37:21
  We need more people to listen and appreciate that. And someone, please, God, give Nick a comment.
• 37:27
  Yeah, it's really weird. I think I figured out where to find them.
• 37:30
  I mean, you've asked for it every episode, I think. Yeah. But I haven't put in a lot of work on my end.
• 37:35
  Fair enough. Maybe I'll go comment.
• 37:38
  Next episode, we'll be back to the regularly scheduled plan.
• 37:43
  We're going to have Sean and Eric back. Well, Eric is our guest.
• 37:46
  And we will be reviewing Peggy Sue Got Married and The Family Man.
• 37:52
  Yeah, just in time for Christmas, but it will come out after Christmas. So fuck y'all.
• 37:56
  Look for that in the beginning to middle of January. Yeah. Perfect timing.
• 38:02
  Good night.
• 38:32
  The Box of Wood and Silky Pajamas.
• 38:36
  Shoot them in the brains, if you want to live.
• 38:40
  Shoot them in the brain.
• 38:44
  If you want to survive them eating your flesh.
• 38:49
  I suggest you shoot them in the brains.
• 38:53
  You zombie killers.
• 38:57
  You don't make him love