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Rewriting Your Story with Marci Owen · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to IMPACT Parenting with Perspective, episode 240.
• 0:10
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important, building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:26
  Ben: Join me Each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your team turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:37
  Ben: All right, guys, welcome back to the podcast today.
• 0:42
  Ben: I have with me Marcy Owen.
• 0:44
  Ben: This is the lady that was on my podcast last week.
• 0:49
  Ben: We're back today.
• 0:51
  Ben: Today, Marcy's going to tell us How she teaches how to do that.
• 0:56
  Ben: All right, Marcy, tell us, like, I know you have a math tutor story that you'd like to share.
• 1:02
  Ben: Let's kick things off with that.
• 1:04
  Marci: Yeah, so I think it's very important to understand where these patterns come from.
• 1:11
  Marci: Okay, we talked about the patterns and kind of what they looked like, last week.
• 1:15
  Marci: And, they're created from experiences.
• 1:19
  Marci: That we have.
• 1:21
  Ben: Yeah.
• 1:21
  Marci: And the belief system that we start to tell ourselves about ourselves or about other people or about the world.
• 1:28
  Marci: And when I was in junior high, I struggled with math, you know.
• 1:34
  Marci: Me too.
• 1:34
  Marci: I think most people do.
• 1:37
  Marci: And my mom got me a tutor.
• 1:41
  Marci: And I remember going over to their apartment after school and I just remember, like, he was trying to help me with some, you know, my assignment.
• 1:53
  Marci: I did not get it.
• 1:56
  Marci: And the more I didn't understand, the more he, like, he started to get really frustrated with me.
• 2:03
  Marci: Yeah.
• 2:04
  Marci: And when that happened, I I start to shut down, right?
• 2:07
  Marci: Because I'm, I'm feeling like blah, you know, and our brain goes offline and, and that's like, that's part of the thing that I talk about is our nervous system starts to get involved to where it's like, this is looking like it's a threat.
• 2:23
  Marci: He's getting mad at you.
• 2:26
  Marci: And then the, you know, the brain starts to shut down.
• 2:28
  Marci: So anyway, I, I, I think he yelled at me.
• 2:32
  Marci: I don't remember like what he said.
• 2:34
  Marci: I just remember being.
• 2:38
  Marci: I didn't understand, he got mad, and I went home bawling.
• 2:44
  Marci: And so the belief system that was created at that time was, I'm stupid.
• 2:51
  Marci: I'm stupid.
• 2:52
  Marci: I'm not good at math.
• 2:55
  Marci: You know, um, it's, it's unsafe.
• 2:58
  Marci: If I don't understand or if I get it wrong, you know, um, if, uh, if I don't get it right, I'm going to get in trouble.
• 3:05
  Marci: Like, this is just the story that was created around this experience.
• 3:12
  Marci: Um, Even like I need to be perfect kind of came in and you know, I'm, I don't want to get in trouble like I'm bad and so this is this story that has just affected my life in so many areas, you know, it made it hard for me to apply myself in math because I'm like, I'm dumb, I can't get this, you know, or when I was trying to, you know, Um, like as soon as I got to high school, I took basic math and I'm like, I'm done.
• 3:52
  Marci: I never took pre algebra, nothing because I'm bad at math.
• 3:57
  Marci: It was so unpleasant for me, you know?
• 4:00
  Marci: And so then when I, I really noticed it when I then running my own business and just sitting down to write a post, even though it's not math.
• 4:14
  Marci: My brain.
• 4:16
  Marci: My nervous system would like, no, we can't get this wrong.
• 4:22
  Marci: We've got to do this right.
• 4:24
  Marci: And it was so hard for me.
• 4:30
  Marci: It could all be inside, but I couldn't get it out of me.
• 4:35
  Marci: It's like there was a lid on my brain and I would type, I would try to force myself to do it.
• 4:42
  Marci: It was so hard.
• 4:45
  Marci: And I, I'm like, there's some, what is wrong with you?
• 4:48
  Marci: And you just have this belief.
• 4:49
  Marci: Something's wrong with me.
• 4:51
  Marci: Not knowing that, oh, there's a pattern that's trying to protect me.
• 4:57
  Marci: No, we're not going to do this because we don't want to get yelled at.
• 4:59
  Marci: We don't want to get in trouble.
• 5:01
  Marci: Right.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: So
• 5:02
  Marci: it then it activates my nervous system and it shuts my brain down so that I can't do the thing I wanna do.
• 5:10
  Marci: It also would lead into, you know, trying to have relationships.
• 5:16
  Marci: You know, I don't wanna get in trouble if I say something wrong.
• 5:21
  Marci: See how it just kind of starts to move out through just much larger than math.
• 5:27
  Ben: Yeah, yeah, I feel like I hear exactly what you're saying, like we talked about, so while you've been talking about the Rubik's Cube, slowly working on the Rubik's Cube, I can do it pretty fast if I'm not like engaged in a conversation.
• 5:44
  Ben: But yeah, I thought I was too stupid to do Rubik's Cube.
• 5:47
  Ben: I thought it was like something that smart people could like look at it.
• 5:51
  Ben: Identify all the patterns and be like, Oh, it's just, and one of my friends had a five year old who was learning how to solve a Rubik's cube and he had a step by step guide and he was like, the Rubik's cube is just a series of algorithms.
• 6:08
  Ben: And I'm like, dude, I'm stupid.
• 6:11
  Ben: Talk to me like I'm five.
• 6:12
  Ben: Like, what's an algorithm?
• 6:13
  Ben: He's like, bro, they're just patterns and systems and He's like, take this book home, go buy a Rubik's Cube, you can learn how to do a Rubik's Cube.
• 6:22
  Ben: And I really thought that I was too stupid.
• 6:26
  Ben: Like I was in special ed.
• 6:28
  Marci: Yeah, I was gonna say why, where did that come from?
• 6:31
  Marci: There's always, there's always an experience behind that belief.
• 6:38
  Marci: And this is key to understand.
• 6:40
  Marci: We have to be able to trace it back.
• 6:44
  Marci: Where did that even come from?
• 6:46
  Ben: See, and this might be a spot where you and I slightly disagree.
• 6:49
  Ben: I don't think it's always important to trace it back.
• 6:53
  Ben: I think you can identify the belief.
• 6:56
  Ben: And like, I think there's some beliefs that you could be conditioned from birth.
• 7:01
  Ben: Like if your parents are like, man, why did we have such an ugly baby?
• 7:06
  Ben: Seriously.
• 7:06
  Ben: And from birth, like you may never remember and maybe your parents die at like three or four and you get new parents that are like, man, you're so beautiful, but because of the old programming, but yes.
• 7:18
  Marci: So, so I will say this, when I, I, If you can, it's powerful, but do you have to?
• 7:27
  Marci: No! And the thing is, is just knowing that there was something there that maybe we just can't recall is part like that, you know, there's the power in that.
• 7:40
  Ben: Like knowing that.
• 7:42
  Ben: But whether you can recall it or not, it's still programming, which can be updated and revised.
• 7:48
  Ben: Yes.
• 7:48
  Ben: Yeah.
• 7:48
  Ben: I 100 percent agree.
• 7:51
  Ben: So like I was in special ed and I remember my mom trying to help me with things and asking me questions like, what is wrong with you?
• 8:00
  Ben: Well, guess what?
• 8:01
  Ben: If you think something's wrong with you, you're going to look for answers.
• 8:04
  Ben: Right.
• 8:05
  Ben: I remember they had me tested like there was one time I couldn't sleep for more than like Two hours, one night.
• 8:12
  Ben: And I had to be awake for so long.
• 8:14
  Ben: Cause they're going to put electrodes on my head and figure out what was wrong with me.
• 8:18
  Ben: The doctor was basically like, well, we can't tell what's wrong with him.
• 8:24
  Ben: Like he probably has ADHD dyslexia.
• 8:27
  Ben: Like we'd have to do other studies to figure that out, but his brain's working.
• 8:33
  Ben: Right.
• 8:33
  Ben: Basically.
• 8:34
  Ben: He's just lazy and I'm like,
• 8:36
  Marci: Oh,
• 8:36
  Ben: I'm lazy.
• 8:37
  Marci: See, there's that message.
• 8:39
  Ben: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Ben: It's all the same messaging.
• 8:42
  Ben: Now, The thing that's important, I I run my own business and there are things that I'm just like, you've met my wife.
• 8:49
  Ben: She's awesome.
• 8:50
  Ben: I'm like, here Deb,, you figure this out because I'm too stupid to do this.
• 8:56
  Ben: I guys still have to catch myself.
• 8:57
  Ben: And you're like, no, no, that's the old programming.
• 9:00
  Ben: Right.
• 9:01
  Ben: And you can figure anything out.
• 9:02
  Ben: And I've learned, I can figure anything out, but there's things that.
• 9:06
  Ben: Once I figure out, I'm like, yeah, we're going to hire someone to do that.
• 9:10
  Ben: Right.
• 9:10
  Ben: Right.
• 9:11
  Ben: So like, I always tell my teen clients, I'm like, you know, when you're an adult, there's an annual math test.
• 9:18
  Ben: And they're like, what there is.
• 9:19
  Ben: I'm like, yeah, it's called your taxes.
• 9:23
  Ben: Here's the thing they don't tell you.
• 9:24
  Ben: You can totally hire someone to take that math test for you.
• 9:28
  Ben: Yes, you can.
• 9:29
  Ben: And they're probably going to be better at it.
• 9:31
  Ben: Like, when we talk about.
• 9:32
  Ben: Conditioning and old programs just because you think you're stupid and maybe you hate math doesn't mean that you have like, let's reprogram it.
• 9:44
  Ben: You don't have to think you're stupid, but it's okay to still hate math.
• 9:47
  Ben: I could totally do my taxes if I wanted to, but I'd rather pay this dude a few hundred bucks.
• 9:54
  Ben: He does better than I do anyways.
• 9:56
  Ben: Right.
• 9:57
  Marci: But still the thing is, is like, we all have our own strengths and gifts and talents.
• 10:01
  Marci: And so we might be more prone to, you know, be creative in a different, you know, not with math, but creating a program for your teens, right.
• 10:14
  Marci: Or like me creating a program for my, my self, you know, my self love lab, you know, and stuff like that.
• 10:20
  Marci: Okay.
• 10:21
  Marci: So it's totally fine to have other people.
• 10:25
  Marci: Now that I know.
• 10:27
  Marci: That I, um, not stupid and I know what was happening for me trying to write my posts.
• 10:35
  Marci: You know what?
• 10:36
  Marci: I still have a VA that helps me because it frees me up to, to do other things.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: The things that you're passionate about.
• 10:44
  Marci: I still do posts, but it's not my favorite.
• 10:48
  Marci: Uh, you know, and it does, it frees me up to do other things that I'm more passionate about.
• 10:54
  Ben: Yeah.
• 10:54
  Marci: But I don't carry this.
• 10:56
  Marci: I'm dumb.
• 10:57
  Ben: Yeah, before we get into reprogramming, I want to just throw this out and you can tell me what you think about it.
• 11:05
  Ben: Um, I feel like there's a, bad stigma around like programming your mind or brainwashing or, you know, But the thing that I think is important is that your mind is designed to create patterns and processes.
• 11:26
  Ben: Like, if you've ever driven somewhere a handful of times, like, you've probably done this.
• 11:32
  Ben: Marci, have you ever, like, driven to the store and you get there and you're like, huh?
• 11:37
  Ben: I don't remember like turning left here or stopping it.
• 11:40
  Ben: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 11:41
  Ben: How did I get here?
• 11:43
  Ben: It's because that's how your mind is designed.
• 11:45
  Ben: It wants to automate things to free you up to focus on bigger problems like survival.
• 11:53
  Ben: So.
• 11:53
  Ben: When I talk to like, I'm probably really not pro school right now because I think schools are brainwashing our children.
• 12:05
  Ben: It doesn't mean that I'm against brainwashing.
• 12:07
  Ben: I'm all for brainwashing, but I think you should be in control of how you brainwash yourself and how you program your mind.
• 12:17
  Ben: And it's a really slippery slope.
• 12:19
  Ben: Like my nine year old just sent me a video.
• 12:23
  Ben: Just yesterday, we left him home while we went to the big city.
• 12:27
  Ben: Uh, I live in a very small town and we call anything your side of the Wasatch Mountains, but anyways, he sends me this little thing on Facebook messenger saying that school is killing intelligence and he's nine.
• 12:41
  Ben: I've already brainwashed him.
• 12:43
  Ben: And he's like, man, dad, I, don't make me go to school so I can work on my creativity.
• 12:49
  Ben: When we had the conversation, I'm like, I also think YouTube is killing your creativity.
• 12:54
  Ben: But anyways.
• 12:56
  Ben: It's a slippery slope, but if we can empower parents, if we can empower teens to really realize you are responsible for your programming.
• 13:08
  Ben: Yeah.
• 13:08
  Ben: And you get to choose from this point on, how are you going to program your mind?
• 13:14
  Ben: Which is exactly what Marcy's here to tell us about.
• 13:18
  Marci: Yeah.
• 13:18
  Marci: Well, you were asking me what I felt about the reprogramming of the mind and this, the stigma around that.
• 13:25
  Marci: And I'm like, well, Why, I, I think it's more dangerous if we want to use, you know, like, I think it's more harmful to stay with belief systems that are inaccurate and that shut you down and that put masks on you and hide the real you and what you're capable of.
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 13:49
  Marci: Hide your strengths and your talents.
• 13:53
  Marci: I mean, like, and if it, like, that to me is a tragedy.
• 13:58
  Ben: And here's an example.
• 14:00
  Ben: It's not like spot on, but it's close.
• 14:02
  Ben: Like I'm working on being healthier and it's Christmas time and people are like, bro, are you better than us?
• 14:12
  Ben: Like you're not going to.
• 14:14
  Ben: Eat the cake.
• 14:15
  Ben: You're not gonna eat your pressure.
• 14:16
  Ben: Yeah People are like what you're reprogramming yourself to not enjoy our holiday traditions.
• 14:24
  Ben: Like what is wrong with you?
• 14:25
  Ben: You're like People don't get it.
• 14:28
  Ben: But fortunately, that's where i'm responsible for what my programming is
• 14:35
  Marci: And the thing is is if reprogramming doesn't sit well with somebody, you know, that's just a word that's like They just can't really get past.
• 14:44
  Marci: Well, then what I like to say is we're just going to shift your story.
• 14:49
  Marci: They're going to shift it and we're going to step outside of it.
• 14:53
  Marci: You know, and so it all, it can also just matter how we phrase what we're doing.
• 15:02
  Marci: Like people don't like to say, use the word proud.
• 15:06
  Marci: They think it's bad, you know.
• 15:08
  Marci: Okay, then let's use pleased.
• 15:10
  Ben: Yeah, I have an example of that.
• 15:13
  Ben: Members of the church don't like the word hypnotism and I'm all about like self hypnosis like get into your mind like start reprogramming it do some work to know your inner thoughts and how things work and one in particular is like no we can't call something hypnosis like it's not like you're out being hypnotized in front of like The masses for entertainment.
• 15:43
  Ben: It's like doing the inner mental.
• 15:47
  Ben: It's a state of mind.
• 15:49
  Marci: Yeah.
• 15:49
  Marci: Yeah.
• 15:49
  Ben: It's a state.
• 15:52
  Ben: Say a state of mind and in my opinion, a state of spirituality, like you're getting deeper than like just thought and you're getting into like the original settings and the programming like, Oh, I am divine.
• 16:10
  Ben: I anyways, we can get on and on about that, but let's just, if someone was like Marcy teach it to me, like I'm five.
• 16:19
  Ben: Okay, maybe not five, but someone who wants to understand and implement, how would you go about reprogramming?
• 16:27
  Marci: How would we go?
• 16:28
  Marci: Well, um, let me just reiterate this before, like we need to like understand what the patterns are like being able to start picking up on them where a lot of times we just think, well, this is just the way I am, you know, or this is my personality or this is how I was raised.
• 16:48
  Marci: That's a clue.
• 16:49
  Marci: How would we go?
• 16:49
  Marci: Oh, This is probably a pattern, right?
• 16:52
  Marci: And we don't think we can do anything about it, but you can.
• 16:56
  Marci: And so we've got to understand, oh, things that we're doing, and then try to say, hmm, I wonder, I wonder where that originated.
• 17:05
  Marci: I wonder why I have that story.
• 17:08
  Marci: Because just as we were talking before we came on the air, you know, you started bringing up, when I was telling you about my math tutor, you start, you brought up the Rubik's Cube, and I'm like, hmm, wonder where that started?
• 17:19
  Marci: And then you're like, your mind went right to the Rubik's Cube.
• 17:24
  Marci: elementary school being put in special ed classes.
• 17:27
  Marci: And there's where the story was developed.
• 17:29
  Marci: See how simple it is to start to be like, we just have to pause and be aware like, Oh, because it's subconscious.
• 17:36
  Marci: It's, it's just happens.
• 17:40
  Marci: It's a pat, you know, it's a habit way of being and thinking, and it just happens.
• 17:45
  Marci: And so we, we want to pump the brakes a little bit and go, wait, wait a minute.
• 17:49
  Marci: What's up, what's going on here.
• 17:50
  Marci: So, and then just to realize that when we're in those at times.
• 17:55
  Marci: It does give us, it can give us a physiological response.
• 18:00
  Marci: It can activate our nervous system, which makes it even harder for us.
• 18:05
  Marci: You know, we can walk.
• 18:07
  Marci: I I've walked around in functional freeze most of my life until I did the nervous system start, you know, the advanced training and I went, Oh my gosh.
• 18:18
  Marci: And we get so used to a way of being that we don't even know that it's actually not normal, you know, cause it's feels so normal.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: But there's something we can but it
• 18:30
  Marci: feels awful, you know, it feels awful though, you know But they're so there's I just want people to know there's something you can do about it And even if your kids are listening your young kids are you know, your clients are listening to this Oh my word for them to know this now is huge and for their parents to know this now is huge too, right?
• 18:52
  Marci: but um We want to so i've talked about identifying it You And understanding that and so then we can go into I have some questions.
• 19:06
  Marci: You know that you can ask yourself and I can give you a link so they can download these questions, but the first one is to kind of like notice where you repeatedly get frustrated in a certain area.
• 19:23
  Marci: You know, like you had the Rubik's cube, for example, like I, I can't do that.
• 19:28
  Marci: Like that's, you know, mine was math or sitting down trying to write a post like notice where you get frustrated in a certain area.
• 19:37
  Marci: or maybe where you hesitate or you get distracted, you know, cause again, that's that pattern that you're bumping into.
• 19:45
  Marci: No, we're not going to do whatever the thing is.
• 19:49
  Marci: Okay.
• 19:50
  Marci: And then It's helpful to understand.
• 19:52
  Marci: Okay.
• 19:53
  Marci: Well, then what do you do instead you sit down to try to do the thing you get frustrated or distracted, what are you doing instead and You know, do we get on our phones and scroll?
• 20:07
  Marci: Do we try to write and then you race over and over and over?
• 20:12
  Marci: Again, you know or do we just like even try like with the Rubik's Cube?
• 20:17
  Marci: You're probably like no I'm not able to do that.
• 20:22
  Marci: I'm dumb.
• 20:22
  Marci: That's for smart people.
• 20:23
  Marci: So we don't even try Right?
• 20:28
  Ben: Yeah.
• 20:29
  Ben: Like, I probably have been doing a Rubik's Cube for, for maybe five years.
• 20:37
  Ben: So I'm 43.
• 20:38
  Ben: So I spent like, I remember one of my friends getting a Rubik's Cube for Christmas once and I looked at it and I'm like, too bad I'm dumb.
• 20:49
  Ben: I know.
• 20:51
  Marci: Like that.
• 20:53
  Marci: And look what you've been, look what you missed out on all those years.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 20:57
  Marci: But not only, not only doing the Rubik's Cube, but how you talked to yourself and how you believed about yourself.
• 21:05
  Marci: That's the saddest, you know, that's the, the part that I want to shift.
• 21:12
  Ben: Which is sad, but in a way there's also a sense of beauty to it.
• 21:18
  Ben: Um, I spoke, there's a LDS life coach retreat and I was one of the speakers.
• 21:26
  Ben: I didn't even know what I was going to speak about.
• 21:28
  Ben: I was like, I don't know.
• 21:29
  Ben: It'll come to me.
• 21:30
  Ben: And I was over there like doing my Rubik's cube.
• 21:33
  Ben: And people get offended when I'm like doing the Rubik's Cube and they're like speaking.
• 21:38
  Ben: I'm like, come on, like, I could have an annoying little fidget spinner or I could just quietly solve this.
• 21:44
  Ben: Anyways, I was like, dang, I'm going to talk about this.
• 21:46
  Ben: I talked about like how I used to think I was dumb.
• 21:49
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:50
  Ben: And now I can do this and I have a fancy Rubik's Cube.
• 21:53
  Ben: It's not here with me.
• 21:54
  Ben: It's called a mirror cube.
• 21:56
  Ben: It doesn't have colors.
• 21:57
  Ben: It has different dimensions to it.
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: You're advanced now.
• 22:02
  Ben: I know the thing is though like I wouldn't go back in time and Change the past What I can do is I can embrace The past that I experienced and view it through a lens which better serves me totally and Like I love being an example of when I coach parents of teens and they're like my kid's in special ed They don't behave.
• 22:31
  Ben: I'm like I was in special ed.
• 22:33
  Ben: I lit my school bus on fire and I turned out.
• 22:35
  Ben: Okay, like Your kid will be okay Stop worrying about them and reprogram your parenting like change Who you are and start being the parent that you want to be And so if anyone Listening to this, you're like, I can see programming in so many areas.
• 22:54
  Ben: Like, maybe you're not where you want to be financially.
• 22:57
  Ben: Maybe you're not where you want to be with physical health.
• 23:00
  Ben: Maybe you're not where you want to be in your relationships.
• 23:03
  Ben: And you start developing this awareness and realizing, Oh, it's because of my parents! Okay.
• 23:11
  Ben: Yeah, you probably, that might.
• 23:14
  Ben: There is a lot of truth to that.
• 23:15
  Ben: I'm sorry.
• 23:16
  Ben: But the thing is, your parents are not responsible for your programming.
• 23:22
  Ben: You are.
• 23:23
  Ben: And they did the best they could.
• 23:25
  Ben: Yeah.
• 23:26
  Ben: When I coach teens all the time, I'm like, let me tell you a secret about your parents.
• 23:30
  Ben: I talk real quiet and they like lean in.
• 23:32
  Ben: They're like, what's the secret?
• 23:34
  Ben: I'm like, Your parents have no idea what they're doing.
• 23:37
  Ben: They're just making it up.
• 23:38
  Ben: And the kids are like, what?
• 23:42
  Ben: No, they don't know.
• 23:43
  Ben: They're doing
• 23:44
  Marci: the best.
• 23:44
  Marci: Like, yeah.
• 23:46
  Marci: And sometimes our best isn't that great,
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: you know,
• 23:50
  Marci: and it's just innocent, you know, with your parents saying, what's wrong with you, why are you acting like that there that's them being frustrated.
• 23:59
  Marci: But the message that the story that you start to develop because of it, you're, you know, Limits you.
• 24:08
  Ben: Yeah.
• 24:08
  Marci: You know, a parent, getting really frustrated with their child crying.
• 24:13
  Marci: Stop crying.
• 24:15
  Ben: Yeah.
• 24:15
  Marci: You know, and then they're sending a message that emotions are bad.
• 24:21
  Marci: We're not allowed to feel them.
• 24:23
  Ben: So the beauty is, okay, Marcy, we should consider this.
• 24:28
  Ben: 99 percent of the people that listen to my podcast are moms.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 24:34
  Ben: So, let me just put this out there, moms, I love you.
• 24:39
  Ben: You know I do.
• 24:39
  Ben: We don't.
• 24:40
  Ben: Yeah.
• 24:41
  Ben: You are programming your kids unintentionally.
• 24:45
  Ben: Here's the thing that I want to just be really clear about.
• 24:49
  Ben: I don't want you to take anything away from what we're talking about.
• 24:54
  Ben: And feel like I need to program my kids better because everything I do is programming them.
• 24:58
  Ben: The takeaway that I want you to have is to realize, oh, how I live, my way of being impacts my kids future programming.
• 25:09
  Ben: I'm not responsible for their programming.
• 25:12
  Ben: How can I be the mom of my dreams?
• 25:15
  Ben: How can I just, you know, Change my programming so that I can be who I want to be and just trust that your kid who's ultimately responsible for their programming Will have a powerful example in you.
• 25:29
  Ben: Yeah Don't beat yourself up because you programmed your kids wrong.
• 25:35
  Ben: I Did that too and I'm still doing it, but I'm really working on being the dad of my dreams Right the most powerful programming I can do Give myself.
• 25:46
  Marci: Yeah.
• 25:46
  Marci: And my people are moms too.
• 25:50
  Marci: And, um, we can be super hard on ourselves.
• 25:56
  Marci: And I think the more we can just accept that, you know what, some days we're going to nail it and we're going to be great.
• 26:05
  Marci: And there's other days we are going to mess up and we're going to make mistakes.
• 26:09
  Marci: And either way we impact our children, but we are.
• 26:13
  Marci: Doing the best that we can, even when our best isn't that great.
• 26:19
  Marci: It's still like we're human now.
• 26:22
  Marci: And so to, to take what we're talking about today, it's for you, because when you take care of you and you learn this stuff, the ripple effect that goes out from you to your kids, you know, in your relationships, all the areas, all areas of your life is.
• 26:46
  Marci: It is so beautiful and amazing.
• 26:50
  Ben: Here's something I want to say, while Marcy was talking, it reminded me of one of the things that I teach parents in my program all the time.
• 26:59
  Ben: Ugly, imperfect parenting moments have the potential to be more impactful for good, by the way, than if you would have just done it right the first time.
• 27:12
  Ben: I love it when parents Come to me and they're like, Ben, I messed up.
• 27:18
  Ben: Like one of my favorite stories, this mom was like, I was so mad.
• 27:22
  Ben: I had my son's shoes.
• 27:23
  Ben: I can't remember how she had shoes in her hand, but she chucked a shoe at her son and drilled him square in the face.
• 27:31
  Ben: And she was not proud.
• 27:32
  Ben: And I'm like, I love it.
• 27:35
  Ben: Like that is an imperfect parenting moment.
• 27:37
  Ben: Now, how would you like to handle it?
• 27:39
  Ben: And she's like, I need to apologize.
• 27:42
  Ben: Yep.
• 27:42
  Ben: I need to tell them that I will never do that again.
• 27:45
  Ben: That like, I had worked with her for one round, and she didn't really change.
• 27:51
  Ben: She was doing the best that she could, but she Second round, early on, throws a shoe at her kid, drills him square in the face, like that was her rock bottom.
• 28:03
  Ben: Marcy's laughing, by the way, internally, she won't, go ahead Marcy, it's okay, you can laugh about this.
• 28:10
  Ben: Because this was the rock bottom moment that created the shift.
• 28:17
  Ben: And when parents tell me, Ben, I screwed up, like, I have hit rock bottom.
• 28:21
  Ben: I'm like, it's awesome! Rock bottom is the best place.
• 28:26
  Ben: to start building your foundation.
• 28:27
  Ben: Yeah.
• 28:28
  Ben: And so any parent listening, if you royally sucked over Christmas break, that's okay because imperfect parenting has the potential to be more impactful than if you would have done it perfectly.
• 28:42
  Ben: So, yeah.
• 28:43
  Ben: And I,
• 28:43
  Marci: and I love like being able to come back around and say, I'm sorry, that's not how I wanted to handle things at cause you're showing your child.
• 28:52
  Marci: We don't always have to be perfect that that's not even a thing really and it's okay to mess up and come back around and do repair.
• 29:00
  Ben: Yeah,
• 29:01
  Marci: you know, but also this is the part that moms forget.
• 29:06
  Marci: We're going to repair with son, but we need to repair with ourself.
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah,
• 29:10
  Marci: like that was not how I wanted to act.
• 29:15
  Marci: I'll try to do better next time.
• 29:16
  Marci: And.
• 29:18
  Marci: I still love me any way.
• 29:22
  Ben: Yeah.
• 29:23
  Ben: And look at it from the son's perspective.
• 29:26
  Ben: This son, I talked with him a couple of times, not after the shoe throwing incident, but this mom didn't work with me after the second round.
• 29:35
  Ben: Like, she got the change that she wanted.
• 29:39
  Ben: She's posted about her son.
• 29:41
  Ben: They cuddle together.
• 29:44
  Ben: They're like, they enjoy each other.
• 29:47
  Ben: Like, it's one thing to apologize.
• 29:49
  Ben: She's the one that changed.
• 29:50
  Ben: Yeah, it's one thing to apologize for drilling your son in the face with a shoe, which if you're listening to this podcast, you know who you are.
• 30:00
  Ben: You have an open invitation to come be on my podcast so you can better represent yourself.
• 30:06
  Ben: But the thing is, look at this from the son's perspective.
• 30:09
  Ben: Mom drilled me in the face with a shoe.
• 30:12
  Ben: She's not perfect.
• 30:13
  Ben: She wasn't perfect in the past.
• 30:15
  Ben: She's apologized for mistakes in the past, but there was something different about the shoe event.
• 30:21
  Ben: Not only did she apologize, but she backed it up by creating the change that she was looking for.
• 30:28
  Ben: Yeah.
• 30:29
  Ben: Yeah.
• 30:29
  Ben: Now the shoe event is not only impactful in a positive way for mom, but also for this young man, who's like, dang, my mom really changed.
• 30:41
  Ben: Like she must really love me to put in that work.
• 30:45
  Ben: It's powerful.
• 30:47
  Ben: Be the change you want to see in your teens.
• 30:49
  Ben: And okay.
• 30:49
  Ben: So Marcy awareness, I'm just taking this back, putting it into my own words, but like awareness is kind of like your step one, right?
• 30:57
  Ben: You got to understand what's the old programming, where did it come from?
• 31:01
  Ben: And the patterns.
• 31:03
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:03
  Ben: Uh, yeah.
• 31:04
  Ben: Awareness in terms of like, what's the programming, what are the patterns?
• 31:08
  Ben: How am I responding?
• 31:09
  Ben: Where did it come from?
• 31:11
  Ben: What?
• 31:11
  Ben: And by the way, when I coach people, I tell them, Hey, I know you're in a hurry.
• 31:15
  Ben: I know you want to change quick, slow down.
• 31:18
  Ben: I tell people take a week, two weeks, maybe even three weeks.
• 31:23
  Ben: Let's really take our time with the awareness component.
• 31:26
  Ben: Because it's so powerful.
• 31:27
  Ben: You can't change something if you're not aware of it first.
• 31:31
  Marci: Well, slow is fast, and fast is slow.
• 31:35
  Ben: Yeah, I agree.
• 31:36
  Ben: And, and
• 31:36
  Marci: like, I, I know they can't see this, but I have those, one of those expandable balls.
• 31:41
  Marci: I use this all the time.
• 31:43
  Marci: And when we want to go fast, you see the, it's like the ball is contracted, and you can't get insights.
• 31:52
  Marci: and understanding.
• 31:53
  Marci: But if you go slow it down, then you're able to see yourself in real time.
• 31:58
  Marci: And I've expanded the ball now.
• 32:00
  Marci: And there's all these openings where you, insights can bubble up, you can observe yourself doing whatever you're doing.
• 32:09
  Marci: And you're learning in real time and seeing in real time to where you're Oh.
• 32:14
  Marci: Yeah.
• 32:15
  Marci: There's that pattern.
• 32:17
  Marci: Yeah.
• 32:17
  Marci: And then maybe the story bubbles up, I wonder why I think that, and then you're like, oh, yeah, cause I was in special ed when I was, like, you know, and then you're just like, phew, it's, it is so cool.
• 32:29
  Marci: That's the only word I like, I don't know how to explain when the insights come, cause they come from inside and we've got to be able to slow it down to let them come up.
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: You
• 32:40
  Marci: know, and it is almost euphoric when that happens.
• 32:46
  Marci: Yeah.
• 32:46
  Ben: I teach this to my football players.
• 32:49
  Ben: I tell them all the time, fast is sloppy, fast is slow.
• 32:55
  Ben: And, but I always say, slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
• 33:01
  Ben: Like if you can get players to slow down, get into a rhythm, do it smoothly, they're fast.
• 33:08
  Ben: Right.
• 33:09
  Ben: But the focus is on being slow, smooth, intentional.
• 33:13
  Ben: Intentional is the And, It speeds you up than when you're just trying to go, go, go, go fast, and that actually slows you down.
• 33:21
  Ben: Yeah.
• 33:21
  Ben: Okay.
• 33:21
  Ben: So, we got step one, which is kind of awareness.
• 33:24
  Ben: What comes next?
• 33:26
  Marci: Well, we were going through the questions.
• 33:28
  Ben: Oh yeah, and that's part of the awareness and Marcy is going to have a PDF that you can go download that will have a bunch of questions.
• 33:37
  Ben: Yeah.
• 33:38
  Ben: Okay.
• 33:38
  Marci: Yeah.
• 33:39
  Marci: So once we have the awareness and, and we're understanding, oh, This is what I do and, and I understand kind of why I do it, you know, like the story or where it originated or maybe just a time like I, I know it's there.
• 33:56
  Marci: I don't, can't really pinpoint it.
• 33:58
  Marci: Then, we want to rewrite it.
• 34:00
  Marci: You say reprogram, mine is rewrite the story.
• 34:03
  Marci: And we just do that by doing one small step differently.
• 34:10
  Marci: Okay.
• 34:11
  Marci: You know, um, and when we do that, we gradually rewire the subconscious mind,
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: you
• 34:19
  Marci: know?
• 34:19
  Marci: and you do like what feels true for you instead of repeating the same pattern and we want it like, you don't think you're stupid anymore.
• 34:30
  Marci: I don't think I'm stupid anymore.
• 34:32
  Marci: Right.
• 34:33
  Marci: And so we, what do you think you are now?
• 34:37
  Marci: Capable.
• 34:37
  Marci: Awesome.
• 34:38
  Marci: Freaking awesome.
• 34:40
  Marci: Um, see, that's a reprogramming.
• 34:44
  Marci: The story instead of like, I'm stupid, I can't do that.
• 34:48
  Marci: Or what's wrong with me.
• 34:50
  Marci: I'm bad.
• 34:50
  Marci: Like, we're like, no, there, that is no.
• 34:53
  Marci: And I always like to put my hand up like, no, stop.
• 34:59
  Marci: And I'm going to think something differently.
• 35:02
  Marci: I'm going to do something differently, you know?
• 35:06
  Marci: And so for me to start to get myself to write, When I knew it was, what was going on, I would have to take the different thing instead of pressing, pressing, pressing.
• 35:18
  Marci: You're gonna sit here and you're gonna get it done.
• 35:20
  Marci: You know that, oh, that tightness.
• 35:23
  Marci: I would be like, okay.
• 35:25
  Marci: I would almost talk to myself and I'm like, okay.
• 35:27
  Marci: Yeah, we're gonna write a post, almost get permission.
• 35:31
  Marci: I would soften and I would breathe that because I would regulate my nervous system.
• 35:36
  Marci: Let it know we're not in trouble.
• 35:38
  Marci: No, we're not gonna get in trouble, that it's safe.
• 35:40
  Marci: And I can do this.
• 35:42
  Marci: Like I, I have it in here and it's safe for me to let it come out.
• 35:47
  Marci: And so it's, you know, how I'm telling a different story by doing something different than just letting my subconscious run the show.
• 36:00
  Ben: And you've probably heard the saying, repetition is the mother of all learning.
• 36:07
  Ben: I think we forget about the importance of repetition.
• 36:11
  Ben: Like if I were a basketball player and I wanted to be better at making shots.
• 36:17
  Ben: Yeah.
• 36:17
  Ben: I would go take a bunch of shots.
• 36:20
  Ben: I would get the reps in.
• 36:22
  Ben: I would get a repetition in.
• 36:24
  Ben: And I think sometimes when we try and create change in our life, we're like, well, I did it one time.
• 36:31
  Ben: Why didn't it stick?
• 36:33
  Ben: It's because you haven't given it the reps that you need to re do the programming.
• 36:38
  Marci: How long has the programming been there?
• 36:40
  Marci: Right.
• 36:41
  Marci: How many reps has the programming had?
• 36:44
  Marci: Thousands.
• 36:45
  Marci: millions, you know, like so many and you can't just undo it with, Oh, now I know this,
• 36:53
  Speaker 3: you
• 36:53
  Marci: know, um, because you're going to have to catch yourself and there's the different stages of learning.
• 36:59
  Marci: First we're like unconsciously aware, we don't, unaware, we don't even know it's a thing.
• 37:04
  Marci: Now people that are listening, they're consciously incompetent.
• 37:07
  Marci: They're like, no, it's a thing, but we're not going to be very good at it.
• 37:11
  Marci: But the more we like practice.
• 37:14
  Marci: You know, then we can be consciously competent, you know, and then it's going to be a habit where it's like, we don't even talk to ourselves like that anymore.
• 37:24
  Marci: Yeah.
• 37:25
  Marci: You know, just, it'll be put down into our subconscious, but it's different now.
• 37:30
  Ben: Yeah.
• 37:31
  Ben: Have I ever taught you my Wheel of Life principle that I teach?
• 37:38
  Ben: Okay, so I teach that life is a wheel that's constantly turning.
• 37:41
  Ben: Sometimes you're on the top of the wheel, sometimes you're on the bottom of the wheel.
• 37:44
  Ben: On the bottom of the wheel sucks.
• 37:46
  Ben: That's where I always share my story of one time my foot slid under the trailer that we were hauling hay on, and I got run over.
• 37:54
  Ben: Luckily, it was muddy, so it didn't break my foot, but it still hurt.
• 37:59
  Ben: So being on the bottom of the wheel It's hard.
• 38:02
  Ben: You're experiencing like pressure.
• 38:04
  Ben: It's not enjoyable.
• 38:06
  Ben: The reason this is so important for teens is teens when they're on the top of the wheel, they think I'm on the top of the world.
• 38:11
  Ben: I've figured out life.
• 38:12
  Ben: I'm amazing.
• 38:14
  Ben: And then the very next week when their girlfriend dumps them and they get grounded, they're, they're on the bottom of the wheel and they think, man, I suck.
• 38:23
  Ben: I'm broken.
• 38:23
  Ben: What's wrong with me?
• 38:25
  Ben: So the principle of the wheel of life, it teaches you, there are always top of the wheel moments.
• 38:31
  Ben: There are always bottom of the wheel moments.
• 38:32
  Ben: It's just a cycle.
• 38:33
  Ben: The wheel is constantly turning.
• 38:36
  Ben: And I teach this to my football players.
• 38:38
  Ben: When we're running our offense, like for our pregame routine that we do the night before game day, We get out there, we run our offense against air, which means we should be able to do it perfectly.
• 38:54
  Ben: There's nobody trying to stop us.
• 38:57
  Ben: And the players are always like, this is so stupid.
• 38:59
  Ben: Why do we do this?
• 39:00
  Ben: And I'm like, guys, this is a top of the wheel moment.
• 39:04
  Ben: It's, it's.
• 39:05
  Ben: It's easy.
• 39:06
  Ben: We should be able to do it 100%.
• 39:08
  Ben: We should get it right.
• 39:10
  Ben: Top of the wheel moments are the time for you to practice, for you to get the reps in in preparation for bottom of the wheel moments.
• 39:19
  Ben: And when it comes to parenting, one of the mistakes I see parents making all the time is they want to create change in those bottom of the wheel moments.
• 39:29
  Ben: Like when your kid comes home an hour after curfew, he's tipsy, like it's a bottom of the wheel moment.
• 39:37
  Ben: That's going to be a hard place for you to change.
• 39:41
  Ben: But on the flip side, if you can identify top of the wheel moments.
• 39:44
  Ben: Like, maybe you and your teenager are on a drive and he just told you a joke that he thinks is hilarious and you're like, Oh my goodness, we're on the top of the wheel.
• 39:54
  Ben: It's easy.
• 39:54
  Ben: We're having fun.
• 39:55
  Ben: This is a top of the wheel moment.
• 39:57
  Ben: Those are the perfect moments to practice being the parent that you want to be.
• 40:03
  Ben: To practice, to get the reps in, to reprogram so that on the bottom of the wheel, you're It'll be that much easier next time because you've gotten the reps in and the mistake I see is people just trying to change at the bottom.
• 40:17
  Ben: No, do it when it's easier.
• 40:19
  Ben: It'll be way more effective.
• 40:21
  Ben: So that's the wheel of life.
• 40:25
  Marci: Yeah.
• 40:26
  Marci: Well, I think yes, and I also have a little bit of like, hmm Well, I've also think that when we're at the bottom learning the skills that this teaches or that I teach in in the lab.
• 40:43
  Marci: it helps us be with ourselves, even if we're at the bottom of the wheel, you know, with whatever's alive in the moment for us.
• 40:53
  Marci: The learning of how to be with oneself with compassion because when we're at the bottom We usually are very hard on ourselves and critical but learning this work Helps you learn how to be compassionate and that again helps you change And rewrite your story.
• 41:22
  Marci: It is such beautiful work to know how to hold that space because we don't know how to be with ourselves, especially when it's hard.
• 41:34
  Marci: I'm like, when I learned this work and I went through the life coach school and like be with your emotions, like let them be there and process my, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 41:45
  Marci: And then I did this story work and understood the nervous system.
• 41:49
  Marci: I'm like, Oh wow, there is a whole like, just like your advanced Rubik's cube, you know, there is a whole other level of being with oneself.
• 42:07
  Marci: When we understand our subconscious patterns and the stories and where they came from, that that's not the real us.
• 42:16
  Marci: That's not who we really are, and that when we are in the top great, but when we're on the bottom, how to be there for ourselves is the most beautiful work and skill set
• 42:36
  Ben: I agree.
• 42:36
  Ben: This is the reason when parents come to me and they're like, help me fix my kid.
• 42:42
  Ben: I'm like, well, if your kid wants help, I can help them, but if they don't want help, let's start with you.
• 42:50
  Ben: What if we help you be okay with your kid?
• 42:53
  Ben: Because there's stories
• 42:55
  Marci: behind them, like their stories and patterns for that parent of why their kid needs to be a certain way.
• 43:03
  Ben: Yeah.
• 43:04
  Ben: Yeah.
• 43:04
  Marci: There's, they've got stories behind that.
• 43:08
  Ben: Really good.
• 43:10
  Ben: Well, if my listeners.
• 43:14
  Ben: Wanted to go find those questions, which I'm sure they will, because guys, if you want to improve your life, improve the questions that you ask yourself.
• 43:26
  Ben: Don't go around asking yourself, what's wrong with me?
• 43:28
  Ben: Because your brain is just going to be like, Oh, well, Well, let's have a heyday here.
• 43:34
  Ben: But if you can ask more empowering questions, which Marcy has already prepared a list, go check them out.
• 43:42
  Ben: Marcy, where could People go find these questions.
• 43:46
  Marci: Well, I'll give you the link for it.
• 43:49
  Ben: It'll, so it'll be in the show notes for the podcast and you can just go to Ben pew coaching.
• 43:55
  Ben: com.
• 43:56
  Ben: Click on the little, Podcast tab.
• 43:58
  Ben: It'll take you to the most recent podcast, by the way, if you're just coming in and you've only listened to the second episode, go back, start with the first one.
• 44:08
  Ben: And I am sure Marcy will be on my podcast again, because.
• 44:14
  Ben: We have really good conversations.
• 44:16
  Ben: Marci, where can people find you?
• 44:18
  Ben: If I remember correctly, you use Instagram more, more than you use Facebook, right?
• 44:23
  Marci: Yeah, uh, Instagram, it's Marci, M A R C I dot Owen, O W E N, coaching.
• 44:31
  Marci: That's all one word, Owen Coaching.
• 44:34
  Marci: That's, Instagram.
• 44:35
  Ben: I
• 44:36
  Marci: have my website, it's marciowen.com.
• 44:40
  Marci: I also do my podcast, I do a podcast too, which I'm going to have you on it, um, but my podcast is The Courageous and Confident Christian Mom.
• 44:51
  Ben: Awesome.
• 44:52
  Ben: And I'll be the first man on there, right?
• 44:54
  Ben: Yes, you will.
• 44:54
  Ben: Yeah.
• 44:55
  Ben: That's awesome.
• 44:55
  Ben: Yeah, it works.
• 44:56
  Ben: I mainly coach moms.
• 44:59
  Ben: That's what I'm passionate about.
• 45:01
  Ben: And the thing is when moms change, okay.
• 45:03
  Ben: There are some dads that listen to my podcast.
• 45:06
  Ben: Dads, you might want to plug your ears.
• 45:08
  Ben: Cause I don't want to hurt your feelings when moms change.
• 45:14
  Ben: Everything changes.
• 45:15
  Ben: I just, I can't tell you how many dads have thanked me.
• 45:18
  Ben: They're like, bro, my wife started listening to your podcast or my wife started working with you.
• 45:25
  Ben: Everything has changed in my home.
• 45:27
  Ben: And I'm like, because of the moms.
• 45:29
  Ben: They're the most important part.
• 45:31
  Ben: I don't know why us dads think it should be us.
• 45:34
  Ben: But no, it's the moms.
• 45:35
  Ben: It's a team thing.
• 45:37
  Marci: The mom is the heartbeat, I guess you could say.
• 45:40
  Marci: Marcy's
• 45:41
  Ben: like, it's a team thing, but yeah, the mom is the MVP.
• 45:44
  Ben: Let's be honest.
• 45:48
  Marci: Can I tell them about the self love lab?
• 45:50
  Ben: Yeah.
• 45:51
  Ben: Yeah, tell us about the self love lab.
• 45:52
  Ben: I mean, the doors are
• 45:53
  Marci: opening up the beginning of January, right when this drops, the doors will be open.
• 45:59
  Marci: And it's just a nine week.
• 46:01
  Marci: experience where they will, you'll, they'll learn a lot more about stuff like this mindset, nervous system, how to face fears that, you are divine and parts of me.
• 46:16
  Ben: Okay.
• 46:16
  Ben: The self love lab, and they can learn more about that at marciowen.Com.
• 46:21
  Marci: Yep.
• 46:22
  Marci: They can.
• 46:23
  Marci: I would love to have them join.
• 46:24
  Marci: It's a small group of women.
• 46:26
  Marci: And it's really a powerful transformational experience.
• 46:32
  Ben: Do they have to be Christian?
• 46:34
  Ben: I would say about half of my listeners are not Christian.
• 46:38
  Marci: No, you do not.
• 46:39
  Marci: It's not a religious thing.
• 46:42
  Marci: Awesome.
• 46:43
  Marci: I mean, all except for, I talk about one week, we talk about you are divine,
• 46:49
  Speaker 3: but that's
• 46:49
  Marci: your essence.
• 46:50
  Marci: Like that's who you truly are.
• 46:53
  Marci: Instead of all the masks that are on you because of life and stories, you know?
• 47:00
  Ben: I love that.
• 47:00
  Ben: Okay.
• 47:01
  Ben: we could go on more, go check out Marcy Owen.
• 47:06
  Ben: com.
• 47:07
  Ben: Also go check out the show notes for this podcast.
• 47:10
  Ben: I will have a link when Marcy gets that ready to where you can go download her list of questions to help you build awareness and go check out Marcy's podcast.
• 47:21
  Ben: And eventually you'll hear me on that podcast.
• 47:24
  Ben: Yes, you will.
• 47:26
  Ben: Okay.
• 47:26
  Ben: Everyone.
• 47:27
  Ben: Thank you for listening to this podcast.
• 47:30
  Ben: See y'all next week.