Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 40 Anxiety, Overthinking & the Search for Acceptance — Caitlin’s Story
Transcript
- Kristina Bruce: Helen had already done the work to heal her anxious relationship with food, but the anxiety didn't go away. In fact, it had started taking over more and more of her life, fueling constant overthinking, rumination, and a search for reassurance and proof that everything was okay. For so many women, struggles with body image and food are intertwined with anxiety, anxiety about how you look, what you eat, what other people think, and whether you're doing it right. That's part of what brought Caitlin to me for one-to-one coaching. She was desperate. Her life had become so small and she was ready for it to expand again. In this honest conversation, Caitlin shares what changed when she stopped trying to think her way out of anxiety and began learning how to relate to it differently. If you struggle with anxiety, overthinking, or constantly searching for reassurance and acceptance, I think you'll relate to a lot of what Caitlin shares. By the end, feel much more. Hopeful that life with anxiety can become better. Let's dive in. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right, and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural work, and what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Caitlin, thanks so much for being on the podcast today. Thank you for having me. Yeah, really happy to have you here. So we worked together, Caitlin, a few years ago now at this point, wasn't it? Yeah. What I'm curious about is what's the long-term effect of that? And so that's why I'm really excited to have you on today to share your experience. And I I appreciate you being here. So to begin, can you share with me a bit about You know, what did anxiety look like for you in your day to day life before we started working together? Yeah. I've struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. ⁓ and it's always I've had ups and downs with it. And especially, you know, I had gone to therapy for about six years before I started talking to you. And I felt like I was tackling all these things and yet not making progress in the biggest thing of like just the day to day life. So I was Really struggling just getting up in the morning, really struggling facing the day. And I had just been diagnosed with OCD a couple months before I reached out to you. And it would just hold me back from going out. It would hold me back from showing up to things that I really wanted to show up to. And it kept me from being who I wanted to be in just day to day interactions. How would you say that it showed up for you? like mentally, physically, like emotionally in the day, like what was that internal experience like? Well, I would ruminate. I would have a a day, you know, go to work or go see a friend or whatever. And then when I would get home or when I was gonna go to bed, I would start to replay everything. My whole life I heard I had such a good memory. And it was because I replayed everything that happened to me. So I was able to recount every word I thought I said. That was another thing was I would make up things that I thought happened and I would try to look for, ⁓ this person hates me. Maybe they showed it to me when they did this little gesture, or maybe when they said this word, that was that was them saying, ⁓ they actually hate me. Cause I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't feel valued. I didn't love myself. I didn't feel loved. ⁓ and I was kind of looking for proof in that. What did you feel was the most exhausting or frustrating about it? I mean, honestly, the whole thing was exhausting. Like spending your whole day thinking is exhausting. And then when you try to go to bed at night and you're then replaying everything that happened, I just existed in my mind all day. And then even when I would try and go to bed and I would wake up at two AM and do the same thing. ⁓ so everything was exhausting. And I didn't know I was exhausted, but I didn't have capacity. I didn't have capacity to like show up the way that I wanted to, to friends, to family, to my job, to peop to coworkers, to people around me. I would say no to a lot of things just because I was exhausted. And then I would also be afraid of like, well, what if I say something that I upset someone or I embarrass myself or this interaction goes horribly, I'll just say no to it. I just won't go. And so it was my world kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller. But yet I had big goals for myself. I wanted to buy a house. I that was a big one that I kept putting off because I was afraid. I was like, what if I make the wrong decision? What if I regret it? What if I waste all my money? What if I you know, I can't afford it. What and it was always these what ifs and so it prevented me from these big things that I wanted to do. Yeah. Yeah. And you had said that you'd done some therapy before and also worked with a coach for disordered eating. And what did you find that supported you with? I it really got rid of that fe that anxiety that I felt around food. And then when I tackled that it was like, ⁓ okay, I I did this thing. I tackled this huge thing that I thought was the thing. But then anxiety started popping up in other ways. Instead of it controlling how I think of food, how I eat, how I even think about what recipes I'm gonna make, like it started to concentrate on just general everyday anxiety. ⁓ so it just got shifted to something else. Yeah. And what did the therapy, how did that support you? I got the OCD diagnosis. I started working with my therapist with that. And pretty early, maybe like within two months of that diagnosis, I realized that talking about the things that I thought made me feel worse. So I would spend 50 minutes in therapy talking about this very specific thing, and it was validating that thing that I thought or that. thing that I interpreted in a certain way. So there was never it never felt lighter after I ended a session. And I talked to my therapist my therapist about that. and they had some suggestions of, well, we could do this, we could do this. And every time we would try and do a new thing to try and combat the anxiety, it just it for me, it just made it worse. It just made it more prevalent. Yeah. So what did you feel like you were missing even if you couldn't like fully name it at the time? I was so caught up in my own interpretation of something. And I did have people in my life being like, Whoa, you're you're going from A to Z, like how did you get there? ⁓ and it was because I had spent, you know, four hours thinking about a situation and made up every other step along the way. And so I could see that I was missing peace. Like I I knew that my anxiety it was holding me back. I and I didn't know that it was the thinking. I thought it was just like my reaction to daily life. But I knew that much that it was just holding me back from living the life my life in the way that I wanted to. I could never s sustain the lack of anxiety. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there was those moments where you realized, okay, it's possible to not live with so much anxiety, but how do I yeah, how do I make it sustainable? So what was it that made you open to trying something different at that point when you reached out to me? Honestly, it was like it can't get worse. Like my O C D was just at all time like it was controlling me. And it was just like, I'll try anything. I don't Like is su something has to be better than this because I can't live like this for 30, 40 more years. Like this is this is literally destroying me. so I I heard you talk on a podcast and what you were saying made sense to me and it made me feel better. and I was like, Well, maybe this is something I can do. Maybe ⁓ maybe I can learn from this person. Yeah. So when we first started working together, what stood out to you? Well, we did that ⁓ that one session where it was like a trial session and I was so devastated with just life. Just like I don't even know how to explain it. and I remember we did that first session and you had done like a there was like a meditation you did at the end. Cause I was just so like overcome with emotion and like couldn't even couldn't even hear what you were saying because I was so in my own head. And you did this meditation that was like ⁓ listening to my body. And I re so vividly remembered listening to your meditation, being able to turn off the noise in my brain. And then you said, okay, what is your heart saying to you? And instantly what popped up in my head was you are love. And that was like with OCD, that's my biggest fear is that people hate me, that everyone hates me. And I like even now I feel emotional thinking about it. Like it it made me cry. I was just like, ⁓ my gosh, I've been so afraid of this thing. I've been so afraid that like I'm not loved, that like I will spend all of my time looking for examples that I'm not loved and trying to find proof of it and to hear my own. body tell me. No, like what you're afraid of. That's not true. And it was just like like a a huge relief. And like that was where I was like, okay, maybe this this can do something. Like maybe maybe I can learn to listen to what my body is actually telling me. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's such a powerful experience when we have that moment of hearing from like what I call an inner wisdom. And so tell me then a little bit of, you know, what the experience was like then as because then you decided, okay, I'm gonna do this work more consistently, you know, I think we signed up to do like three months together. what did you start seeing about your anxiety that you hadn't seen before? ⁓ well, it was a process. I remember the first thing that we worked on was just knowing when anxiety pops up, which took time to even recognize. And I my anxiety would crop up at different times in the day. It would be very predictable. And when I started to notice that, it was because, ⁓ I'm I feel anxious and I'm trying to distract myself. And so something that we worked on was when I start to notice that I'm anxious, forcing myself to sit and say, hello anxiety, like there you are. And so I would start to do that. I would start to feel and I could feel it like in my heart is where it would start and sometimes go to my stomach if I felt really, really anxious or nervous. And I would always have this urge to do something and to or to think something, to tell myself a story or to replay something. And instead I was learning to sit with that feeling. And it felt so incredibly, incredibly uncomfortable. And just force myself to sit there and say, Yeah, that's what anxiety feels like. And I remember we talked about making room for it to pass through. And so to know that it it'll it'll arrive and sometimes it's predictable and sometimes it's not predictable when it will arrive, and recognizing it and then sitting with it. And that was like the first thing that I started to notice a big shift where I could recognize That, ⁓ I'm thinking because my body's starting to feel anxious. And then how can I stop what I'm thinking and just sit and don't move, don't try to distract myself, sit and just notice where I am. ⁓ that was a huge first step. Yeah. And what did you notice then about the feeling and the anxiety when you started to practice that? That eventually it would leave. Eventually it in in the beginning it took a lot longer. ⁓ because my brain would still come in and it still does this too. It like it'll wanna come in and be like, Yeah, but you're missing this. You're not looking at this. What if this happens? My brain was trying to come in and distract me. So realizing that my brain is gonna try and interpret things. And the longer I let myself think, the longer I let myself ruminate on something, the longer I'm sitting with anxiety. And so if I can Stop that thinking, stop that ruminating. The time that the anxiety would last would be way less. So after a while of practicing that, it would be a couple seconds. It'd be, you know, 10, 20 seconds of like, ⁓ for whatever reason right now, I feel anxious in my body. I can feel it in my chest. Okay, that's anxiety. Okay, we're just gonna sit here. And then it would go away. And then I and I very vividly remember I remember talking to you about this too. ⁓ starting to noticed, like there was someone who was wearing a red shirt. And I remember so vividly being like, That is so red. That shirt is so red. And talking to you about it, and you were like, Yeah, because you were present. You were there. Like the colors were more vibrant, you were there. And that was like one of the few moments I had really been present in my life. Like I had struggled with anxiety up and down. But I don't think I had ever learned how to be in the moment. And obviously there were times where I would be meeting someone new and I'd still be nervous. But overall, I felt authentic. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything, like I was embarrassed about who I was. I didn't feel like I was searching for acceptance. Like I felt like I had accepted and loved myself. And it just felt like it felt livelier. I don't Like things that bothered me before or insecurities or jealousies or they didn't get to me. It was it was just an acceptance of like, well, what do I want? I don't need to be jealous. I don't need to be insecure. Like, how can I be how can I show up as myself? You know? Yeah. I mean, that's that's really powerful. ⁓ what did you notice then changed in your day to day life? So you know, before you were saying it was tough to even just get out of bed in the day and and do things. So how did day-to-day life then start to change for you? Well I slept a lot better. I wasn't waking up at 2 a.m. replaying everything. I wasn't ⁓ looking for evidence that someone hated me or that I did something wrong or that I embarrassed myself. I w there there would be times of course it would crop up where I'd be like, ⁓ I can't believe I said that. And I'd be like, yeah, it's done. It's so you know, and like I don't know how that person perceived it. And I don't need to figure out how they perceived it. So that was really helpful. And I something I talked about a little bit ago was I really wanted to buy a house and and that was a huge thing where I was like, Okay, I'm gonna do this thing. I'm gonna like pursue this interest that I have, this goal that I have. And that became like a concrete thing that I wasn't afraid of of just like trusting each step along the way. I I remember one huge thing was I went on a trip that I would have like never said yes to. It's like a huge thing for me with OCD of like I'll never have enough time because I'm so exhausted, I need a lot of rest. So it was always a really huge worry. And it was so much fun. And I would have never said yes to that. And something that I took away from that experience and brought to one of our sessions was like, okay, now I'm replaying the happy parts of this trip. What had changed was what I was replaying and I was like, ⁓ but maybe it's okay if I'm replaying happy things. And I remember stopping and and being like, ⁓ I'm still anxious. Like just because I'm replaying happy things, I'm still anxious. I'm still covering up the feeling. And it was a realization that there was this fear that what if I never have this again? What if I never have a trip like this again? Or I connect in this way. And that one was harder to like stop the thinking because it felt so good. It just was like, this feels so fun to think about. And to stop and be like, I have to trust that I'll have these experiences again. And I have to let that experience be in the past and move on. ⁓ because at the end of the day, I'm using it to tell myself that I'm loved, that I'm valued, that I have these connections, and I have to trust that they'll happen. What would you say then how you saw things differently that made the biggest shift for you? I think the one They were it wasn't one thing. ⁓ it started off being like, Well, I'm not alone. This is just what the brain does. It's not personal and it's going to be ⁓ it's not easy to stop that. it's been doing that for so long and like I've allowed it to do that for so long. It's gonna take work to stop. And then the the other thing was that the thoughts are usually very similar. Like when I get down to the bottom of it, it's like, am I loved? Do people like me? Do I belong? Am I good enough? Do I feel safe? It's it would always break down to those things. And my biggest thing was acceptance. Like I was always searching for acceptance. And so recognizing that it's always the same thing. And when I think through these problems, my thinking never solved the problem. It's just for it would just forever be on. And then the hugest thing was that I don't have to live like that. This doesn't have to be my day to day. And that I have moments where I'm anxious or nervous about something. And then when that happens, what I try to do, I'm not always able to do it in the moment. But what I try to do is to sit back and just don't do anything. Just let myself be totally still. And it it helps to like reset. And that's when I'm able to see that person looks really anxious. That that person looks really nervous. Like I'm not clouded by my own thoughts. I'm not concerned with my own story. And so it feels, I don't know, it it doesn't feel so lonely. And I guess there's just like more acceptance. I definitely I remember the demonstration that I would take with me was when you were would say like you have to be watching the thoughts. you have to be above the thoughts. And that was something that I would remember is like my brain is gonna be, yeah, doing all this thinking and I have to be conscious of it. I have to be aware of it. And I have to be watching it. And it is something that when I have those moments of anxiety and I can get in tune with the anxiety and realize, ⁓ this is anxiety, it is like that. I'm above it. I'm watching it. Yeah. You're rising above the thought. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, let's talk about this too, because I remember when we were talking about doing this interview, you were saying, like, it's not like I never experience anxiety. Like I don't want people to think I never have that. I think it's Truthful to be honest about that, because I think we can sometimes think, ⁓ anxiety is something I have to get rid of. Like the whole goal here is never to have it again. But what in I think what I was saying to you is and what you had kind of noticed for yourself is when you just come back to those root principles, you know, that we had talked about, the the anxiety gets handled in the exact same way. And The beautiful thing about it, and you tell me, because I want to hear your experience now, when you went back to those root principles that you initially learned and we discussed when we were we were working together, was it easier to see the anxiety this time? Like did it move more quickly than it would have before? I had messaged Juya about a week ago saying I am starting to feel nervous and like anxious about this interview because I have anxiety and ⁓ actually the anxiety is popping up even more than it was a month ago or, you know, whatever. And so I was like, like, ⁓ what if like am I a phony? Like am I am I fake? Like maybe I shouldn't do this interview because I'm actually anxious and I'm I'm nervous and I don't want to come across like I am and I'm not nervous because I am nervous. and definitely at the start of this interview was more anxiety inducing than as it as it has progressed. And I felt, yeah, like a a fraud or a phony. And I remember messaging you that. And then just saying that out loud at first was like like a relief of like, okay, I I've said the fear. I've said what I'm afraid of. And and then you responding saying, Yeah, it's that's normal. Like you're gonna be anxious. Like you're human. It's okay. And that was what I needed and that was like the lightness I needed. I had been thinking that I had to be just like completely stoic, like compl like n unbothered by anything. And that's not realistic. But the time for when I noticed the anxiety and when I'm able to admit it too. I think before not only would I have not known I was anxious really, but I was embarrassed to admit it. And now I find myself Saying, like, ⁓ that made me anxious. But it is a lot faster. I definitely had a a downward dip in the winter. We had talked about like walking toward what feels good. And I found myself, I kept walking toward what felt bad. And what felt bad was, well, you're anxious. And how are you gonna do this interview? Cause you're anxious. Like, how how is your perspective gonna be good? Cause it's not a good perspective. And I kept walking toward what felt bad. And in your message, you had said, like, No, you have to walk toward what feels good. and what felt good was like being honest and open that I still have anxiety, that it's a progress, and that the things that help or like the rules that help don't change. Like walking toward what feels good, sitting with stillness, being above the thought and seeing the thoughts as just anxiety. They're not true. They're just anxiety, just doing its thing and recognizing those patterns. So my spiral was a lot quicker, like it came out of it a lot faster. I remember you talking about being able to do things with anxiety. I remember when you said that ⁓ in one of our sessions. I was like, whoa, that is I do things all the time. Like I hate flying, but I fly. Like and I'm anxious the whole flight, but I still fly. ⁓ and it was something that I had never thought. Like my brain told me, No, you can't do this because of this. And I couldn't see all the times that I had. Yeah. Just like this interview. Yeah. Yeah. And I think about when I reached out to you this week about my anxiety because of this interview and just like sharing in general. It makes me nervous and like opening up and like being on camera and like all these things make me nervous. And I knew it was something I wanted to do, but it was something that my brain was saying, no, but have you thought about why you shouldn't do this? And I remember when I messaged you and the realization, the same things that you and I talked about two years ago are gonna help me right now. So like observing the thought, sitting with the discomfort, sitting in the stillness, and moving toward what feels good. And that was the huge one the moving toward what feels good is that I was like, why am I moving toward what is making me feel bad? Like I'm actively pursuing. this feeling. So if someone is listening right now who feels stuck in anxiety, what would you want them to understand that maybe they can't see yet? I had the feeling of like this is how it's always going to be. And that is so scary and that is so isolating. And it doesn't have to be. This doesn't have to be how you always feel. This is how you feel at the moment. And I think a huge thing for me was that I was even like a afraid to explore these things because like well who am I without this? Like it became my identity, you know, especially when I got a diagnosis of OCD. I'm like, ⁓ I am OCD. That is me, right? And so like it doesn't have to be who you are. And it isn't. It isn't your identity. And so like there are things that you can do to feel better, to feel lighter, to love yourself, to accept where you're at. to accept the position you're in, to accept life as it is. And that is so much more beautiful and it feels so much more calming. I mean even just saying this conversation we've had, I have felt as the conversation has gone on, I have felt lighter and I have felt more acceptance. Whereas even in the beginning, there's like I can recognize it now of like this this feeling of like not accepting the interview. Like kind of like a inner struggle of like a combating that reality. So yeah, I guess acceptance. Like there are things that you can do and it doesn't have to be you. It doesn't have to define who you are or your day to day. And you don't have to live a small life. You don't have to say no to things. You can can do the things that you really want and not be afraid. Yeah. Easier said than done. Yeah. And I'm still learning. I remember you also sharing too a really big event where both you and your partner lost your jobs and there was a flood and you were able to handle it. with so much more ease than you would have prior to that. So even I just want to acknowledge you how much growth there has been and we can forget that, I think. It's easy 'cause we're always looking at the anxiety. It's like, ⁓ here it is still. ⁓ no, it's not completely gone. And and and because it's become your new normal, we can like forget that actually a lot has changed. Yeah. Yeah, and I feel it and I didn't feel it a week ago. Like I definitely felt like, ⁓ I'm back where I was. ⁓ and that was my mind lying to me. That was anxiety running the story. And I can see that now. the way I have come to realize it is you need grounding. I I still need someone to grab my ankle and pull me back down sometimes to earth and say, That's not that's not reality, that's not the situation, or that is anxiety, or that is your mind talking. I still need those moments and I'm able to provide those moments for myself more than I was before, but I'm still learning and I can see the progress where before what I spent most of my life doing is using validation from other people as proof that I've grown or that I am this way or this way or whatever. And the way that I want to continue to grow is to provide that for myself. I want to walk toward a way where it's just like pure acceptance. But I also want to be the person who can pull myself down and put my feet firmly on the earth and say, no, I'm here. This is where I am. ⁓ I have grown a lot and I see that. And I see the ways that I'd like to live. Thanks so much for taking this time and sharing your story, Caitlin. And I'm sure a lot of people are gonna resonate to what you're saying and I hope that they found some hope in it and even maybe some little light bulb moments or some tips on how to be with anxiety and see it in a different way. Thank you. Thank you. If you've been relating to Caitlin's story today and would like support with anxiety that you're struggling with, I offer one to one coaching for Women who are ready to build more peace, trust, and freedom in their relationship with their bodies and themselves. You can learn more about working with me in the description below. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help this show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, You're already everything you've been trying to become. Enough, worthy, and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.