Latest / Shouty Brain / #8: Bridgett Farmer
Transcript
- Trevor Holland: Hello, welcome to the Shouty Brain Podcast. My name is Trevor Holland. Hope you're all doing very well. This week I've got a very special guest by the name of Bridget Farmer. She is a late-diagnosed autistic herself. She also is a mother of three. Two of her children are autistic as well. And the youngest of those is also living with a very rare genetic disease. So Bridget is a neurodiversity and rare disease advocate. She's got a quite a strong social media presence, wonderful. guest she's got a really interesting story about her own journey through motherhood being disabled herself and raising disabled children at the same time which is really really fascinating a little bit emotional at times as you would expect but another really important conversation now if you enjoy this podcast please as usual like subscribe and follow me on my social media all of the links are available on the the show description or the the the the show notes depending on which format Whether you're on audio or video, just to remind you, if you are on one or the other, if you're watching on the video, the audio version is available through all podcast platforms. If you are listening to the audio, then the videos are available on my YouTube channel. So please interact, please engage. I really appreciate all of you. And for more information just go to shoutybrain.com. Enjoy Hello, Bridget. Hello. Bridgett Farmer: Hi. Trevor Holland: Welcome to Shouty Brain. How are you doing today? Bridgett Farmer: I'm doing well. I'm a bit tired. I didn't sleep very good, but that's motherhood I guess. But all in all it's it's a good day. And I'm excited to to chat with you. Trevor Holland: Likewise there. Thanks for taking the time today. The reason why I invited you on, we had a bit of an interaction on Instagram and I stumbled upon your profile and I was just saying before we started recording, it's one of the most interesting Instagram feeds I've ever seen. Now it's visually incredible. I need to ask you. Do from that background, do you have a visual arts background or graphics or anything like that? Because it looks like it looks as though you do. Bridgett Farmer: So I'm I'm actually self taught. Trevor Holland: Mm-hmm. Bridgett Farmer: And I I do all of the the imaging and and graphics myself. I like to think that I have an artistic background. I've been in the hair industry for 20 some years now. So I've been a hairdresser. I actually have a little beauty shop in my basement. I've kind of had an eye for creativity and in art, so it's been a good outlet for me to kind of use my feed as like a aesthetically pleasing, eye-catching way to get people to interact and hopefully help someone else that's in in similar space if they if they see like just one of my posts. I I try to to make it stand out a little bit. Trevor Holland: And you do, you do that. So, yeah, so one of the reasons I invited you on is because having had that brief interaction, looking at your feed, you are yourself late diagnosed autistic. How long ago were you diagnosed? Bridgett Farmer: So it was a year ago. this July was my one year late diagnosis anniversary, I guess you could call it that. but I I'm finding it's quite common for women to be diagnosed late in life, just with masking, medical professional saying it's just anxiety and depression. and that was my case. So for a lot of years I was told I w I just, you know, was anxious, depressed, had OCD, PTSD, and so I was given medication and tools for that. But it I knew there was something different about me after finding glimpses of myself and my two children. So after both of my kids were diagnosed, I then decided to pursue an adult autism diagnosis. Trevor Holland: So talk to me about your two kids. So it's Mila and Max, your two children. Yeah. Bridgett Farmer: Yes. So I have three children with my husband Luke. we live in a small town in northern Utah in the United States. we actually have a like a little farm with sheep and stuff. But my oldest, his name is Maximus, we call him Max. He is eleven and a half. He was first diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, learning disabilities at age 10, and then at age ten and a half, last year he was diagnosed with autism and he would have gotten an earlier diagnosis if the wait lists weren't so long here and the problem was is he had been masking for so long that it wasn't until he had burnout that a lot of the symptoms manifested and so I felt quite guilty about that. because in addition to Max I have a neurotypical child named Magnus. He's nine we call him Gus and he's a little jokester. And then I have Mila. She's seven and a half and she is my medically complex child. She's yeah, we've had quite a ride with her and so This all started about five years ago. She was three in November 2021. She had severe regression, loss of speech, and we thought maybe she just needed a little bit of speech therapy. We tried that. professionals said I think there's something a little more going on here. And then we had a long wait list trying to get her services. we finally got her into a special education where they started preschool and we met her teacher and that I I think that was a turning point meaning her teacher because she honestly changed our lives because she was the first one to say she thought Mila was autistic. And so we started the process of trying to get her diagnosis. And then so that was November we started seeing signs. March of 2022, she started preschool. and then it was interesting 'cause her preschool teacher had been teaching for about twenty years and she said Mila was the most complex child she had had in her career. because at the time, Sh Mila couldn't even stand fifteen minutes of school instruction. So we would have to I would drive her to school, she would sit in the classroom for about fifteen minutes. And then gradually over time we worked for her to be able to to be able to s have school instruction 'cause her sensory processing disorder we we weren't aware of was just it was She just couldn't handle a lot of her environment. And so then over time we we finally got her Autism diagnosis a couple months later. so that would have been spring of twenty twenty-two. Mila started having several medical issues that weren't necessarily like they didn't fit the autism profile. And so I just kept pushing for like medical help and like genetic testing and 'cause she started having seizures. She started having sleep disturbances. The left side of her body started having cerebral palsy like symptoms. She She was just struggling, and Trevor Holland: Hmm. Bridgett Farmer: it took over a year for us to finally get a diagnosis. So in January of 2023, we got her rare disease diagnosis. It's called METTL23, and at the time she was one of six reported cases in the world. Trevor Holland: Wow. Bridgett Farmer: And her neurologist and geneticist came in, they had The the information was so limited. It it was just two sheets of paper. And they're like, she's got such a rare neurological disease. We don't know much about it. at the time there had been two research study publications done. One was on a little girl in China and the other one was on a family in Pakistan. And We weren't able to get in contact with any of the people associated with that. And so then Amila's medical team said, I have no one to connect you to. we don't really have information. You can read about these two research studies. And at the time all it said is Metal 23 was a A recessive gene that both parents have to have in in order Trevor Holland: Mm. Bridgett Farmer: for the child to get it. And on being to my husband and I, we had the genetic lottery that anytime we were to have children, we would have had a 25% chance of our child having Mealers Rare disease. And so we said, go to social media, maybe you can find somebody. And so it took me a year and a half of posting, weekly, sometimes daily, just talking about my daughter. And then I was able to connect with a family in Germany that had a little boy that was around the same age as my daughter. And then with like constant posting about Mila, it's been what, like three years? no, four, four years now, four and a half. That we are now up to sixteen families with three adults and eighteen children. And we were working on a research study publication and we're getting really close to having our findings published through the medical journal and We lost all our funding. And that happened because of the the administration in the United States. They cut all the funding for rare diseases and a lot of other programs. So the Metal 23 research publications in in limbo until I can secure more funding. me and my s well, myself and a couple other moms, Have kind of banded together and we've been all tr trying to ask all of our children's doctors and medical professionals if they would help us continue with it, but we just don't have the resources yet. But I am quite confident that hopefully soon we can get it published and get more awareness on Mila's rare disease. Because like if you type it in to like Google, it it really doesn't say a whole lot about it. but we've been able to find more people that's actually than what's recorded on online. And so the youngest I found, he was born November of last year. So what does that make him like ten ten months old? Eleven months old? And then the oldest, think he's thirty-four. So we've got quite a range. But anyways to get back to your initial question I was so for the longest time we were just so heavily consumed with Mila's needs that I unfortunately overlooked Max's needs and myself. So it's been there's been a lot of growing, learning and unlearning. It's it's been a journey, but I I Trevor Holland: Yeah. Bridgett Farmer: think we're in a better spot now than we were like even a year ago when I got my diagnosis that was that was really hard. Trevor Holland: And so your diagnosis was the you were the last of the three, right? Bridgett Farmer: The last. I was the last. Yeah, so so Mila's was twenty twenty two. Max's was last year, but only a couple months before mine. So Trevor Holland: So how did that then roll into your own diagnosis? Bridgett Farmer: So it's kind of funny because you're like, you kinda question, you're like, am I am I really autistic? Am I reading into things more? Like I would take these online questionnaires and they'd be like, yeah, for sure. And so I kinda already knew like the screening process. I had done all the questionnaires and all the testing processes with my children. So I knew the DSM V pretty well. And I was like At one point I I thought, well, am I gaslighting myself? Like, is this really true? And then it was it was kind of funny. The paperwork that I got from the physician that did my diagnosis, he actually specializes in late autism. diagnosis is where we live in in our town, and he teaches other practitioners how to do that because there it's It's kind of a niche thing. There's not as many late in life autism diagnosis professionals we can go to where we live. you can find a lot of those resources for children, but there's like there was only him where in where we live, and then I would have had a driven like an hour and a half, two hours to find someone else. but I was filling out the paperwork and Because the questions that they have, I I got like five or six sheets of paper that had all these questionnaires like on a scale of one to ten or like great your how would you answer all these things and then there were a couple of sections for you to like write your answers in paragraph form, but I didn't have a enough space. So then I made my own Word document and then t I typed it up and then I color coded it like their question was black. My answers were blue, like all the things. And as soon as I got the paperwork, I went home, sat down, got everything done in less than an hour, printed it off, took it right back to the doctor, and he was when we got it done, he's like, Yeah, you no rush, you could take like a week or so, but in my my mind, I'm like, I have to get this done now and get it out of the way because I have so many other things I have to deal with. And he said in his career. he had never seen someone fill out the paperwork an assessment like I had and the the amount of like detail and the color coding and just like everything that it was easy to follow and that he didn't even have to really like check the format to his cause it was like the same and he was like He said without really reading through everything, he he knew right off the bat, but because of scheduling, there was a two-week period where I had to sit and wait before I actually knew. And that was that was hard. Cause I kept like going back and forth, like questioning, like If I was reading into more of my childhood or past liv lived experiences, if I was just thinking back on life that I was too oversensitive, or if I was overreacting, or maybe I I didn't misread things, or I don't know, like I had a really hard childhood. I would say My life was really hard until I met my husband, to be honest. And so, and that was until I was twenty six. And so I just never kind of fit anywhere. And so I was like questioning everything for that period. And then when I got that diagnosis, I thought I'd be okay, but it just it rocked me. Like I thought I'd feel relief and it was the opposite. Trevor Holland: Right. That's exactly what we were talking about before we started recording. I was briefly kind of explaining my own diagnosis. And it just sends you, you sideways, right? Because I was saying, Bridgett Farmer: It does. Trevor Holland: I was saying that my journey to getting diagnosed is one that's been about 15 years in the making because I had, I had a At the advice of my psychiatrist, I was sent for an autism assessment when I was about 28. It's amazing how much changes in that space of time, but that assessment was very disappointing for me because I was right in the throes of a lifetime of masking and all the learned behaviors that I picked up over my life. And so they outright dismissed the possibility that I was autistic on the basis that I was quite engaging in conversation and I was emoting when I talked and I was able to maintain a certain level of eye contact and I could crack a joke here and there and if they asked me a question I'd give them a frank answer and I, know, they said there's absolutely no way you're autistic. You have too many... you're too able to engage socially to be autistic, because it's not possible. But that never sat right with me. And when I got my ADHD diagnosis shortly after that, and this is something that I've, in conversations I've had with people, is fairly common, is once ADHD is treated and managed, you can then find that those autistic traits that you've always had become a little bit more pronounced because you're losing a certain amount of impulsivity and spontaneity you're really digging into the need for predictability and structure and routine and you know, the fixations and the special interests and stuff like that that starts to come out and the sensory issues as well. But anyway, that's so basically I had I an assessment that didn't go very well. And then I spent years thinking, that's not, don't, I don't agree with that. I think I probably am autistic. And then I had a second assessment, which was done virtually like you and I are talking now. And they said, Yeah, you're sure this was about two or three years ago, you show a lot of traits of autism, but it's it's, it's inconclusive as to how much of an impact those traits have on your life. So then I had a third assessment about about three months ago. And they looked at the the assessment report that said how inconclusive the results were in terms of the impact. and he was just listing them off saying, well, you talked about the impact here and here and here and here and here and basically sat me down and said, absolutely, you're autistic. But because I'd had it in my head for 15 or so years that I was autistic and I'd done a lot of reading on the subject and I just felt like I was reading my own biography when I was reading other people's. went for the assessment, the third assessment, I thought this is great because what's going to happen here is I'm going to be diagnosed and then I'm going to validated, I'm going to feel heard and it's just going to be a box that I can now tick and I can close the book and I can move on with my life because I was right. But what actually happened was a complete roller coaster of feelings that I just didn't see coming. I felt so lost. felt so disabled suddenly. Nothing on the surface, absolutely nothing had changed from the day before I was diagnosed to the day after I was diagnosed. Nothing had changed. My life hadn't changed. My experiences hadn't changed. But suddenly, all those experiences had definition and I didn't know what to do with myself. I really felt quite lost for a while. So how you alluded to it a little bit with your own diagnosis. What was your experience post diagnosis and how you processed it? Bridgett Farmer: Well, so I went to my second session where I then got my diagnosis and I went by myself because my husband had to care for our three little kids and our daughter is has high needs and she needs constant supervision. we couldn't get anyone to to watch them at the time, for him to come with me. And so I felt the same way that that you did that, I'll just go in, they'll just they'll say I'm autistic like my kids and I've been around autism long enough that it's it's fine. We'll be fine. And then I just remember like seeing my file, my medical file then said autism on there and then the list of all my other medical issues underneath it and just seeing that on paper made it seemed Final. And he handed me like a couple little pamphlets, said that there was a psychiatrist that I could do virtual sessions with. but this if I wanted to go and see someone that would be able to have the time to see me in person it would it would be like a three hour drive. And I started thinking of like My younger self, maybe missed potential, sensory needs that weren't met. Maybe if I had more support, my life could have been different. Maybe you you know, you start replaying all these events in your head, and I just started weeping. I got to my car, I sat in the parking lot, and I don't really know how long I sat there for. I do remember feeling kind of the same feelings when when my daughter was diagnosed, when she was three, just kind of like the unknown, like I had more of a roadmap for my child with with autism and what to do to help them. but for myself, what do the adults do? And so I I sat in the the car for a while and then when I and I I when I was able to finally be composed, I drove home and my husband saw that I was a crying mess. And he said, so what's wrong? He's like, he's like, you're crying. He's like, you you have thought for a long time that you're autistic. He's like, are you upset because you're not? And I said, no, I am. And he's like, then why are you crying? He's like, you tell the kids all the time that they have beautiful brains, and we celebrate neurodiversity in our house. And he's like, what what changed? And I said, everything changed. Because I started thinking like of little me. my kids are still young. my youngest is seven and a half, my oldest is eleven, and I thought like If I was their age and my mother could mother me like I'm trying to mother them, my life would be completely, completely different. And anyways, I had so much shame and guilt and depression and just It was really hard. I ended up having to start medication because I was in a dark spot and but then I still have all these little kids that rely on me that I have to be present for and take care of and at the time I felt like I was drowning because I was like I didn't know who I was. I I had to think about like, do I really like these things? Like, I had pushed through and tried to act a certain way for so long I didn't really know who I was. And so you're like, you start thinking, okay, tell my my children to take the mask off. Am I able to do that myself? Because I was 39. it's it's like if if I try to be my more authentic self, now will people still love me? Or will they think that now all of a sudden I have this diagnosis that that now I'm leaning on the diagnosis just so I can be different? When all I really wanted was to feel seen. And so I didn't know quite what to do. And so little by little it just I started talking to some of my friends that I have online that, you know, had been in that space before trying to get their perspective or I talked to people that were like a safe space for me, like telling them my feelings and what I was experiencing. And once I felt like there wasn't judgment, then I started to being more myself and leaning into things that felt more comfortable. like Some the things that may seem simple, like trying not to t to people please as much, learning to say no, being okay with with leaving special occasions or family events if it was too loud or f my nervous system started not feeling comfortable in my body. Giving myself space and time for having a break, I never took breaks. I never asked for help. I just thought, this is life, this is what you do, it's hard for everybody. I never Trevor Holland: you Bridgett Farmer: gave myself time to even rest. And It was interesting after my diagnosis, I started having more health issues. Trevor Holland: Right. Bridgett Farmer: And it was my body forcing me to kind of take that time and space to connect with myself. And it's interesting because I've learned more about myself this last year. been all my life, which is crazy 'cause I'm forty now. Trevor Holland: Hmm. Bridgett Farmer: But I think it's made me a better Partner to my husband to be my authentic self to be able to express to him like how I'm feeling, if I need help. I have more empathy for a lot of people because you don't really know what people are dealing with. Trevor Holland: Mm. Bridgett Farmer: I Really am grateful for my children because they were the roadmap to my diagnosis and they helped me become who I am today. I wouldn't have thought that a little three-year-old being diagnosed five years ago would have left led led to her brother being diagnosed and then to myself and then then learning along the way that there are other f family members of mine that have late diagnosis that weren't caught until they were a lot older than me. Like I have an uncle that wasn't diagnosed until his mid-50s. Trevor Holland: Mm. Bridgett Farmer: I suspect my grandmother on my dad's side was autistic, but they they said that she was bipolar and I start thinking of kind of the patterns of family history and I can Trevor Holland: Mm-hmm. Bridgett Farmer: see why people acted a certain way or how s certain environments were and finally recognizing in myself that I can kind of break that general rational mold. and try to give my I my kids more neuroaffirming space without shame, without masking. I just wanna give them what I didn't have because it's been hard reflecting back. Trevor Holland: you Bridgett Farmer: It's been very hard. I've had to write a few letters to little me. And just I don't know. The grief was hard for a long time. Just lost potential. A lot of pain I didn't have to necessarily go through. Like feeling that like I didn't belong, feeling othered, It it it it just I'm glad I can take those experience I had to make sure my kids don't don't feel them. Trevor Holland: Wow. It is a very powerful exercise actually. The talking to your younger self. It's heartbreaking as well doing it. But it is a powerful thing to do and I've done it to an extent. What I haven't done yet is sat down and written a letter. I might do that. I think I'll be a bit of a mess. Bridgett Farmer: It's Trevor Holland: afterwards. Bridgett Farmer: You will be. You will be. I had to pause and take breaks actually. I I couldn't do it in one sitting. Trevor Holland: Hmm. Bridgett Farmer: just because then the motions come up again and you just you remember how you felt and then but then if you reflect back to who you are and who you are now, It can it can be quite healing. one of the the good things that I've learned, even with just Mila's rare disease diagnosis, is she's a little bit older than some of the other kids that we found. And so we have been able to use our experience as a roadmap for other families, because some of those children are also autistic as well. And so I have mothers that have children that are infants or toddlers and they will they will call me in the middle of the night or they'll text me and they'll be like, does your kid do this? I'm seeing this, have you experienced any of this? Tell me what I should prepare for. And being able to have a sense of, you know, answers or even be hope. I think has really been life changing. I think we all just want community and connection and my biggest thing is trying to use the last five years to help somebody else. I guess that's my hope anyhow. Trevor Holland: You talked about wanting to nurture a neuroaffirming environment for your two autistic children. What does that look like in real life? Bridgett Farmer: so I'll talk about Max first. Trevor Holland: Sure. Bridgett Farmer: so last year he was in public school and that was very traumatizing for him. He got bullied to the extent that he got a concussion and kids were calling him just slurs and names because of his autism diagnosis. And anyways, he ended up being so ill he couldn't physically go to school anymore because of the the dread and the anxiety. And so I I pulled him out of public school and I started homeschooling him last year. And we've dove deep into all of his special interests. a lot of the his learning that we do. I kind of cater to things that that interest him. things and you know we'll we'll take breaks and do things that bring him joy. and like he he has like sensory breaks and I just make sure we have a lot of things around the the house that make it seem like a a safe space for him. I encourage him to, you know, wear his headphones when he goes. you know, outside and not care what anybody says, you know, like I'll I'll wear him too. Like, I just he's getting more comfortable for advocating for his needs. and being able to to see that even at eleven years old, saying like, I need I need a break, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed or like like if we're visiting with with people and he says that he's all peopled out that he needs like time to recharge, he'll excuse himself and then go to it to go to his room. w it's just kind of a judgment free zone. Like he eats the same safe foods all the time. I'm not gonna make him feel bad about that. If, you know, he wants to have sandwich every meal all the time. and some chips as long as he's eating, you know. I just like we have tons of toys and equipment in our basement in the house that helps with regulation. It's funny, our our basement kind of looks like a physiotherapy room right now. just so they can get those wiggles out and Trevor Holland: Hmm. Bridgett Farmer: but we Wait, I just want it to feel safe, you know. 'cause Trevor Holland: Yeah. Bridgett Farmer: when I was little home didn't really feel safe. And Trevor Holland: Right. Bridgett Farmer: and your home should be somewhere that you c you can go and recharge. Just be with your people and not have to worry about the the outside world 'cause It's hard out there. Trevor Holland: me. Bridgett Farmer: but like with with Mila to make it a safe space for her. she's very particular about things, even just like she's got a little purple blanket. We have probably five or six copies of it, and we always make sure she has a clean one on hand because she wraps it around her like armor and it It helps soothe and and calm her. we have like a bunch of like little chewies because she this is oral sensory seeking. she has a special disability that to keep her from eloping. We had to get her that because she has a sleep disorder and she has no sense of safety and we had to figure out a way to keep her safe at night and so we could still get some sort of sleep. Because at before she started medication she slept for maybe three hours a night, but it was un it was interrupted sleep. So she'd sleep for half an hour and then be up for like two, three hours. And then that would that cycle would go into the wee hours of the morning, so no one was getting any sleep. so now that she's on medication and has a a safe bed that's been life changing. I don't know, we just try to have the tools at home to to make sure everybody's happy and regulated and supported and safe, whether it's, you know, little wobble chairs to do homework or it's fidgets, headphones, Blankets, special blankets, soft clothing, safe foods, visual Trevor Holland: I think. Bridgett Farmer: schedules. Trevor Holland: I think what you're doing is beautiful. I think what you're actually creating... is the very antithesis of what most people's childhoods are, which is, you know, with the best of intentions, parents often will... push their children to push their boundaries and to push through the uncomfortable to go out of the comfort zone to help develop as a person. Which in some people is a good thing but not necessarily for us. So what you're doing is you're showing your children how to listen to their own signals, aren't you? And to encourage them to understand what their bodies are telling them, what the nervous systems are telling them. And you're not creating an environment where they have to try to stifle that side of them and try to push through to fit in with what you think is what you should be as a person. And it's, I think that's so great. It's beautiful because Bridgett Farmer: Thank you. Trevor Holland: they just, they have such an understanding of themselves and that's an understanding of themselves that I wish I could have had. You know, when I was thinking, but not saying out loud, I'm done with peopling now. I was thinking that a lot, but I could never act on it. And so I think I was just burnt out my whole life basically. It's because I was constantly being forced or encouraged into situations Bridgett Farmer: Interactions. Trevor Holland: that just was not compatible with me. Bridgett Farmer: Yeah. Trevor Holland: But you're avoiding that and it's wonderful. Tell me about special interests. So you were talking about how you're kind of deep diving into Max's special interests, but what about your own? Do you have any? Bridgett Farmer: I'd find that again, to be honest. I really didn't I had to sit down and really think about that for a long time because I didn't really know what I liked anymore. Trevor Holland: Right. Bridgett Farmer: after my diagnosis. So this last year I've been trying to find myself again. whether it's just being able to have a a book to read, sit down and and read and have that time for myself. I really like to bake. And my middle child Gus, my neurotypical child, he loves to bake. And I found that that's the way he likes to connect, that we can have that one on one time with each other. All of a sudden he'll get on the computer and find a recipe and he's like, Okay, let's make this and then sometimes we don't know what we're doing and we fumble through it, but we still have a good time. I like to just any way that I can express creativity is is fun. Whether that's drawing or doing digital work that stuff that I create, I actually enjoy that process, even just making sure my feed looks looks okay. I don't know, I'm I'm just trying to to find things that I guess joy in l in the in the little things. Trevor Holland: Mm. Bridgett Farmer: Of course the the things that I enjoy, not everybody in my household does and so just just trying to make time for that. 'cause like Max's special interests are different than mine. He's really into Pokemon in the Mario Brothers right now and he will list off all the characters and he's made spreadsheets and books and everything and whether or not I really understand half of the stuff that he says, it's just another way that he's trying to connect with me. So I I'm glad that he he likes to immerse me in that. we're trying to lean into some of the things that he's interested about, even just school related. Like I'm gonna be buying him a microscope and a telescope and where he wants more musical instruments. We bought quite a few of those last year for school. and Yeah, Gus likes to bake, he likes to be active. He's because he's neurotypical, trying to balance his needs with his siblings is a little tricky because he I do have to push him more than his siblings and he does like to be more Trevor Holland: Hmm. Bridgett Farmer: social than than I like to do. so I'm glad that my husband's more outgoing. So he'll go take him to soccer pro practice and games and and and I'll come but I just that that that social aspect I I kinda have a hard time with. and then Mila's special interest right now is she loves Bluey and she loves it's it's funny show. It's it's done by Pixar. It's called Soul. It's about this jazz pianist. think she probably just likes this the soothing music in it. But no, I I think that if I would have had someone when I was younger like genuinely care about the things that I cared about. and realized that when I talked about them I was trying to connect with them instead of trying to stifle it or tell me that that was dumb or I was too old to like those things or have helped me be a little bit more assertive and confident as myself as an adult if I had that support. So even if I may not truly understand the things that are important to my kids, if it's important to them, then it's important to me. Trevor Holland: Thinking about my childhood recently, realized actually I was in a very fortunate position. My parents, they indulged me with my whims and my flights of fancy and the things that I became obsessed with. Probably behind closed doors in the dead of night when I was asleep, they were probably talking to each other saying, you know what Trev's obsessed with now? being a little bit kind of derisory about it, but they were so good to me like that. If I was obsessed with a thing, they would just let me be obsessed with it and they would Bridgett Farmer: That's Trevor Holland: let me talk to them constantly about it. It was really sweet. Bridgett Farmer: That is first. Trevor Holland: what I'm interested in because listen I've got I don't have children I know, I'm never going to know what it's like to have children. All I know about it is what I hear about it what I can imagine. But I think... I don't understand how you do it. I think that's probably what I'm trying to say. don't, I, what I don't understand is having the capacity, especially for people like us, how you've got the space to, Bridgett Farmer: Do both. Trevor Holland: be able to raise three children and just how all encompassing that is, especially with two of them being neurodiverse and one having particularly high support needs while still going through your own journey of self discovery while as you've found out that you have a disability yourself, how do you split yourself into so many different things and still manage to be kind to yourself? How do you carve out any space to still be able to sit back and still try to nurture your own needs? Bridgett Farmer: Well it it's taken a lot of trial and error. I think that I've been able to do that because I have such an incredible spouse. I I would not be able to to parent as well without without him. He works incredibly hard so I can stay home full time to to nurture and take care of these three little amazing humans. sometimes he's not home until really late at night. His mornings start really, really early too. But he he's kinda like my anchor. Like he grounds me. he's always accepted me. for who I was even before diagnosis. I feel like he's been the only person that's really seen me and didn't want to like change me or say I was too much. And that's beautiful in its in its in its own. So I'm really grateful for him. We actually live next door to my husband's parents. And so I have my in laws that I can reach out to and lean on if I do need help with the the kids, which has been huge because I could not do it without the the three of them, without my husband and father in law and mother in law. I think a lot of it too is I I want to show the beh the behavior that I want my my kids to have. So like if I'm getting a little overwhelmed, I'll say out aloud to like my boys. I'll be like, I I I need a minute, like it's there's too many sounds happening, like give me five minutes, I'll be right back. I'll take take that minute and and ground myself and and then come back and then parent and help them. but some days are really hard. I think I'm just trying to be a lot kinder to myself and know that my experience is my experience and same with motherhood. No one else is gonna have the same journey that I have, so I shouldn't compare. And so that's been huge because if I look at my neighbors or someone else and be like, well it's not fair that they get to do this or that it's like, well that would never work in my household anyway. So why am I even why am I even comparing? I'm trying to focus on being present and more of like the the little things are the big things. I don't know, it's motherhood has been the hardest but the greatest thing I've ever done. it actually kind of terrifies me a bit because I feel like I need to live forever because of Maximila. And I know Trevor Holland: Right. Bridgett Farmer: that's not possible. So I need to make sure that I have things set up for the future for for them. and also be able to support Gus because his journey is different than his siblings. So there's there's a little bit of heaviness to that too, but I can't think too far down the line. Sometimes you take it day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute, because if you focus too far ahead, you're gonna miss what's really the magic that's happening right now. Trevor Holland: Hmm. Since I had my diagnosis, what I've found is going through this emotional rollercoaster that I described. When I arrived at a point at which I was able to, I actually felt quite liberated eventually once I processed what was going on. It was incredibly freeing because I realized that I now understood myself so much better and I was able to be unapologetic, not try to excuse things that I was doing or things that I was feeling. I was able to be honest with myself and to start to try to be honest with other people. And so, and also just, being able to listen to my nervous system or to my body and think, I've had enough of this now, I'm going to go and just do that. Just do it. Bridgett Farmer: Yes. Trevor Holland: and not have to make excuses for it because now you know why you need to do it. You're far more likely to be able to pay attention to what your body's trying to tell you. So I'm finding things quite nice at the moment, I have to say, because I'm Bridgett Farmer: School. Trevor Holland: just able to just to acknowledge the limitations that I have and not try to persevere through certain things because certain things can't be overcome. And not comparing myself to other people as much as I used to is important. What I am is what I am. Where I am in my life is where I am in my life. The things that I can do very well, I can do very well. The things I can't do very well, I can't do very well. So let's do the things that you do well. Don't do the things you don't do well. And try to have an environment that makes you feel at peace with yourself. yeah, I'm feeling it's been, it's been nice to be able to, to start, I think, as being kind to myself. And one of the things when we were talking about, you know, the letter to your younger self. one of the things I'm probably likely to say to myself is going to be you're so much more strong than you think. Just because you think that the amount of pain that you're in is a sign of weakness, but the amount of pain you're in is a sign of how resilient you're having to be in the face of things that other people are not going to possibly understand. And you don't understand. You don't know why your life's so hard. I'm telling you, your life is hard and it's not your fault. You are so Bridgett Farmer: Next slide. Trevor Holland: strong that you're able to still turn up to school and still have any form of achievement, still have any friends at all. The fact that you're still able to do all that stuff in spite of the limitations you've got, you're a goddamn superhero. Bridgett Farmer: Exactly. Trevor Holland: you Bridgett Farmer: Yeah, it's nice having that framework, the insight and the vocabulary. 'Cause Trevor Holland: Mm. Bridgett Farmer: when you and I when we were kids we didn't really know about neurodiversity and Trevor Holland: god no. Bridgett Farmer: right, that wasn't a thing. Like mental health awareness that yeah, honoring our ourselves and Yeah, but it was a different time. So being able to reflect on little you and where you are now, it it is it is powerful and freeing and I actually have like pictures of little me. And so if I ever start like having a thought of like I can't do something or I'm not good enough or any of that, I'll pull up that little picture of me and it's like, would you say that to her? And if you wouldn't, Trevor Holland: you Bridgett Farmer: don't say that to you now. Trevor Holland: Although I've gone through that period of mourning and grief that we've talked about, so many people do go through the same, I also, and I've said this in other episodes, I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm thankful for the experiences I had. But having to push up against this constant tsunami, my whole life has made me very grounded and emotionally intelligent in a way I don't think I necessarily would have been otherwise because of my obsessive observation of the world around me and my trying to assimilate by learning as much as I could. learned so much that I see people in a way that I don't think a lot of people do. I can see right into somebody's soul because I've studied it so carefully. Bridgett Farmer: Yeah. Trevor Holland: So I think without, if I'd been diagnosed as a child, I don't know, things would have been very different, but Bridgett Farmer: Right. Trevor Holland: me working things out for myself and trying to create my own path and forge my own road, I think has given me some abilities that I don't think I necessarily would have had. I'm not sure, but I feel that Bridgett Farmer: Yeah, I agree with that. Trevor Holland: way, I think. Bridgett Farmer: Yeah, I think I think that's true. Yeah, I've had people tell me that I'm insightful, that I re I remember things, or that I notice stuff that maybe they forgot they they told me or if I yeah. We've had to study. people in our surroundings since we were small just to assimilate. And so Trevor Holland: Hmm. Bridgett Farmer: with that observation, you kind of you do become more insightful. Yeah, I've found that when I I notice those small things and then I I don't I don't know if it's the right term is like is pebbling when you give people a bunch of little facts about something. But I kinda do that with like gestures or like you you said you're not you're not feeling very good or your back hurts. I went and found all these things that we can do to make you feel better. Or like, you know, like It I just it is it's interesting that our experiences help us find different ways to connect. Trevor Holland: Yeah. Yeah. So on that note, Bridget, I just wanted to say once again, I really, really appreciate the time you've taken to speak to me and especially speak about about such personal experiences that you've had around your own journey and and and your wonderful kids as well. It's been wonderful and I hope that it will it will help people out there to to have heard that and I'm sure it will. So thank you and take great care and I'll speak to you again soon I'm sure. Bridgett Farmer: Thank you for having me. I'm glad we got to chat and and I'm really grateful for the opportunity to be on your podcast because you're doing a lot of good for the community and I'm excited to see what happens for you next. Trevor Holland: Thank so much, Bridget. Take care.